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Cutler

Honesty and Trust with Partners

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I have been married for 8 years and thankfully I am still together with my wife, but there have been a ton of times that I have lied and hidden games from her and that has caused a huge rift between us where I have made it impossible for her to believe that I am trying and I am sober now.  It has been only two days so far and I was curious if anyone else has experienced this and has any advice on what could be done for showing or proving that I have been without games?

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Trust has to be rebuilt over time. If you've been caught in a lie more than once, it will take a lot longer than two days. You might have to simply accept that you are viewed as a deceptive person for a while until the wound heals.

I hope you do end up quitting games for good, but if you do feel like you're going to relapse, you have to tell her before it happens. Keeping communication open about this and admitting to mistakes without her having to find out on her own will help accelerate the process.

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Going a step farther, you can tell her how to catch you.  Tell her to listen for certain keyboard patterns. Working or browsing news sounds different than gaming.  Get rid of your headphones and joystick/controller.  Turn the desk so she can see from the hall.  Bring the laptop/tablet into the living room.

When she goes out, go with her.  Help her shop or do whatever.

Marriage is us against the world.  

Be as open as you can with her.

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I have been caught in smudging the truth with my partner. I am by no means a professional, and this is honestly my longest relationship... so I don’t know how good my advice is. 

When I hide things from my partner I notice myself mitigating the act morally, like not feeling fully responsible. Conversely, being honest with my partner instead forces myself to be honest with myself. I have chosen honesty, despite it being hard. Despite knowing they’ll be disappointed. And life has been less stressful

we hide it because we don’t want to take responsibility. We hide because we’re putting off facing shitty facts. We hide because we’re in denial. I dunno. Let’s not hide and let’s not neglect ourselves. 

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Also being in gamequitters means you’re and addict. You’ll always be addicted and you may relapse. I have relapsed maybe five times or more since quitting in 2015. Having your partners understanding support, instead of anger, would benefit you both. This requires discussion about addiction and the battle you face, being vulnerable and open to her, and asking for understanding/forgiveness/support(pick one or three!)

Edited by Laney
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I just add that many users here are mentioning (in good faith) the possibility of a relapse. I think that since you're trying, you deserve all the trust. Relapse is not necessarily going to happen. I wish you good luck with your journey.

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Addict will be addicted forever because of biological reasons.

You cannot cure addiction, merely heal it.

Trust, however can be regained, sooner or later.

 

My advice is:

Focus on actually healing yourself, and the trust will be regained meanwhile. You won't even notice that. You can't get into your partner's mind and force them to trust you. You can't get into your mind and force it not to love games. You can only alter your behavior. A lie has no legs. She does, she can run away.

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