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Matt C

90 days in over 90 days

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Hi guys, I made my intro post two days ago (Sunday) being sincerely committed to quitting and going through a 90 day detox - which will hopefully, and I believe, will lead to permanency. 

Both Monday and today I've reinstalled Hearthstone on my phone in the late evening and played two to three games before promptly deleting it. So I'm treating this entry as day 0?

These last few days have been very rough and intense, I've been struggling to remove myself from my bed in the morning despite being uncomfortable and only begin facing the trials of the day at about midday - apologies if this is coming off quite negative! I've since spoken with a few academics within my dept. whom I trust, and opened up about my waning mental state over the last Semester as well as cannabis usage - she/head of Comp. Sci. and Maths knows me well and knows a lot about my previous issues with respect to addiction, depression, eating disorders. It was all beneficial, i've since spoken with the university counselling and am registering with a local GP to enable me to go back onto antidepressants.

Man it's quite late and I'm exhausted. It's been quite difficult to even write this post. I shut my laptop half way through and debated just ghosting this whole thing. A lot of anger arises when I think about the reality of my situation being riddled with self-induced "isms" and makes me want to run away from it all. 

Anyways, I'm glad I persisted on and will treat this as a private/personal journal to gain most benefit via unscrupulous honesty. Day 1 tomorrow/today - it's late.

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Hi Matt , well.done for pushing through on completing your post and well done for having the conversation around your mental state,  I remember having that discussion and it is an important first step.

Have you done any toward planing in regards to filling your time ? 

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Hi Pere, I've got a lot of studying to be done over the next month and a bit until exams are over. I do seem to keep getting to the latter stages of my day and itch to open up a Hearthstone stream to zone out for some downtime. I've got a couple of books I've been reading and would like to start exercising daily as opposed to every other day.

The issue currently seems to be when I'm fatigued from the day and I want to do something calming which used to be Hearthstone for me, I'd like to do these 90 days without watching streams, but I guess one thing at a time? I used to go out dancing quite frequently when I was still curating nights and DJing, however I've always been a little reticent to going back to it because of the associated lifestyle - I've been looking at different volunteering opportunities through the university recently. What worked for you?

So Day 1:

I've been having night sweats pretty regularly brought on from what I'm guessing is just residual anxiety so my sleeps been pretty awful - that's me feeling guilty and qualifying me only getting out of bed at 9AM. I got up, showered, jumped onto a little bit of writing for a summative assessment I have due tomorrow morning worth 50% of one of my modules. At 10AM I then left for a meeting with my academic supervisor at the Maths school, I opened up to him for the first time which was actually very cathartic and positive - discussing feelings of fulfillment and rekindling motivation to study and succeed at uni.
I shot right back home to continue working on my deadline until 12:20 where I went to do some volunteering working with the elderly at the student's union until 5PM, bringing me back home now where I've just eaten some food and tidied my place a little to procrastinate getting back to work on my deadline.

I'm pretty shagged, so i'm planning to get about 80% through my deadline, conk off tonight and get up early to finish off the rest of it to submit it at 11AM.

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully tonight's sleep goes smoothly, get up early and have a productive day. I've had plans with an old friend tomorrow -for nearly a month - to smoke some weed, have dinner and watch a movie with them; It's been on my mind all week because I haven't had the guts to tell them I don't want to smoke - I do; but, I just believe it's best not to right now in terms of productivity and being proud of myself.

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Keep at it! Saying no might be hard in the moment, but it is an action that tells yourself you're the owner of yourself for lack of a better word. It tells yourself you're in control and can say no or yes as you see fit. If only for that self esteem effect I'd encourage you to say no.

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On 12/12/2018 at 7:07 PM, Matt C said:

Hi Pere, I've got a lot of studying to be done over the next month and a bit until exams are over. I do seem to keep getting to the latter stages of my day and itch to open up a Hearthstone stream to zone out for some downtime. I've got a couple of books I've been reading and would like to start exercising daily as opposed to every other day.

The issue currently seems to be when I'm fatigued from the day and I want to do something calming which used to be Hearthstone for me, I'd like to do these 90 days without watching streams, but I guess one thing at a time? I used to go out dancing quite frequently when I was still curating nights and DJing, however I've always been a little reticent to going back to it because of the associated lifestyle - I've been looking at different volunteering opportunities through the university recently. What worked for you?

 

Sorry been away so not had a chance to respond. I would strongly recommend volunteering especially if you are at uni, don't know where you live but here in the UK its a really good thing to do in terms of job prospects. Helps with what we all the soft skills.

Have you tired using the headspace app at all? I find that really works to calm me down, but I get what you mean and that its tough, try to take it easy one step at a time.

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