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Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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Day 177.

I've had to face stressful situations in the past months, demons I'd created within my own mind by isolating myself from the real world, phobias. I didn't expect to feel that way, that triggered, just by being in contact with the gaming community. I haven't gotten over any of it, it's plain for me to see. The negative self talk just for being part of it again for a few hours is very real, the guilt even though I am not actually doing anything wrong. I took my distance from a part of me I hated and feared, put all my past in a box and hid it in my basement, that's basically how I was able to move on so far. And I was really happy and positive and grateful and me, right before I realized I'm still afraid of.. me. 

Emotions, I got a lot of them, and in the past couple of months I dealt with them successfully, I learned how to handle myself when I get unreasonable, when I freak out thinking the worst will happen. My way of reacting to that is just waiting it out until all the intense emotions are gone and my logic can work again. Only then can I deal with the negativity, by doing things and not paying it as much mind until I've had time to process everything. Taking action right when I feel bad is not a good idea, at best it's desperate and at worst it's like an obsessive compulsive ritual to make me feel like something is now right but never for long. 

I need to feel in control, in order to feel unafraid again. At this stage, I just have a lot of negative feelings that I need time to process, so that anything that's false in my thoughts gets corrected by logical thinking and anything that I actually do wrong gets changed by my behavior. But as of now, I'm still very emotional and not peaceful enough to do that soberly.

I didn't realize that distance didn't change anything in my self image when it comes to this hobby, everything is just how I left it months ago: miserable, guilty, shameful and terrified. And I can only change that by opening the damn box and deciding what's rotten and what just needs repairing and dusting off before getting out of the basement and into plain sight.

This is difficult, but I'll only grow confident and raise my self esteem by processing it and facing it and doing it right. Otherwise I can just let it stay hidden somewhere in me. But not sure I want that now I have realized how it is.

Thanks for the words @JustTom, gave me a push towards a better state of mind.

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Good approach. I feel it's kinda like trying to reconcile your ex; you are kinda afraid of it, but if you can communicate genuinely, I think it'd be pretty instructive. Good news is, you don't even have to deal with another human, just yourself! :D

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One thing that comforts me about the (many) mistakes I've committed in the past is that, though I can't go back and fix or erase them, and though they might have consequences forever, they are a part of me not only for the bad, but also for the good. Mistakes teach. We just have to look at them the right way. They'll never cease being a part of us, but maybe they don't have to, maybe we need them not to, as reminders, and as lessons we can always look into whenever we need to. Scars. Only the fighters are scarred.

Edited by Ambassador
Typo
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Day 180.

I'm feeling better now and it's only the result of effort. Gaming reactivated all my fears and doubts about myself, brought all the guilt and shame back. And I knew that was going to happen, it's why I decided, six months later, to try it again. I started feeling better about it, if only slightly, once I practiced self control and a schedule. Having a hard limit over which I do not go at any cost, it gives me the sense of control I need. I need to feel that I am the one who decides, not gaming. And my approach to it is finding all the small weaknesses in me that once, piled up, lead me to dependence, and managing them.

Impulsivity is one. Feeling like one more game, and going for that just because I feel like it. This has the biggest impact on my schedule and accomplishing things outside of the computer life, if I let it run rampant.

Feelings are another. I have a lot of them and when gaming there are times when they try to make me act in ways I'll not be proud of later. 

I feel vulnerable sharing these, but it's okay. Finding out how my weaknesses appear and what they do is a step towards managing them. This is still a hard time for me, but I'm sure now that this is the only way to redeem myself to myself, by proving to myself that I am capable of not repeating the same mistakes. I can recognize my flaws, accept their presence in my personality, and soften them or manage them.

I understand a lot of my troubles come from a place of conflict and denial of myself. I understand that for some reason I have been trying to deny my flaws, or when I realized I had them I tried to act straight away in the opposite way to prove I am not like that. But it was an impulsive way to deal with things and it didn't work long term. I always got hyped up for the new me, but a week after my disillusioned self image led me to doing the same mistakes.

So, this is about me actually repairing the behaviors and decisions I take when faced with the very stimulating world of gaming, not just ignoring them forever. It still feels I am pacing on a tight rope, nothing left or right or below me to keep me safe. I only got Fawn to keep me safe and it lies in my steps whether I reach the other side or fall in nothingness again. 

I've always avoided responsibility too. But this outcome, like so many others, depends only on me. This is one more weakness I'm working on.

In case you're reading this and it's not clear enough what "working on my flaws" really is, it's basically throwing myself back into the environment that once made me a basement dweller but this time in a clinical, monitored way,  getting triggered as [email protected], then trying to find out what the triggers are and how to remove them so that the subject doesn't get self-roasted every time it comes in contact with the environment. And that is a slow process of repeatedly throwing the subject in the environment, testing its reactions with every new adjustment on it. Adjustments include factors like exposure duration, contact levels, levels of independent decision making while in the environment and others. It really isn't just throwing the subject in the environment it has labeled as horrible and wishing that away. The subject has to figure out how to change the parameters of its interaction until it no longer gets triggered. 

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Sounds good!

I'm also sometimes impulsive about less important things or some random super interesting research I want to do, but I'm making a schedule for every single day from now on. It's somewhat loose and so it might happen one day I get all my errands done in the morning if I get hyper-motivated, but mostly I need something to go on to avoid feeling guilty about messing around the whole day, doing nothing about the real scarecrows.

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Day 181.

This is a stressful situation I am unable to deal with if I don't process everything on the daily, if not right after the appearance of negative thinking. I am scared something bad will happen just because I'm in proximity of games. Anxious negative thoughts that had gotten significantly lower during my no negativity period earlier in spring are now rampant. Yesterday the only way I could cope with it all was crying it out in the presence of family. And they told me something that I have a hard time seeing, myself. They told me I'm freaking out without actually having done anything like I did in the past. They pointed out to me that everything that I am worried about to be point of being overwhelmed are behaviours I did in the past which have barely come to surface now (prioritizing gaming over everything else, losing sleep to do it, becoming emotional about it). I see those tendencies in me though, I said, and they scare me, like knowing you like hurting people. I don't like them being here, in my brain. And then they reminded me that it doesn't matter what bad tendencies we have, if we decide to do the right thing. If I prioritize my job, spending time with family and doing my duties, it doesn't make me a bad person that I feel an urge to game. But I am confused about that. I feel bad when I notice such an urge. I feel bad because..? Because I judge myself for having that urge. Denial has always been an issue for me, I have a very hard time accepting flaws within myself, but that's exactly what I was working on before allowing games back in my life. Acceptance. I haven't found what the root issue is here. I don't know why I fight who I am. I know it causes me pain and I know it doesn't work in my favor when I desire to manage my weaknesses.  It's like I close my eyes and I wish my flaws didn't exist, then I compulsively take actions to prove that to myself, but the process is wrong and within a few days I'm crushed because I can't keep up those actions and I identify as a loser. 

But what are those tendencies I see in myself? Firstly, if I'm at home instead of the working environment or some public place, now that the option of gaming has reentered my reality, I feel like gaming, instead of doing what I planned to do. I don't do it, but I feel like it, and while a lot of times I ignored it and did my duties either way, there are others which I felt bad for having that urge and that left its psychological mark on me, shame and guilt. It's much easier to do what I intended to do and think little of that urge in terms of judgment when I'm surrounded by people who are also working. It's probably cause I subconsciously know that all of us are here getting shit done even though we'd rather be sleeping/watching tv/gaming or whatever. At home I feel ten times worse for having the urge, because I have the luxury to linger and consider it and that makes it so much worse to have. I guess I lack perspective when I'm alone and one thought can derail me psychologically unless I bring logic into the equation. That's the type of intervention I need to practice on myself, facts to realign my panicked state of mind to truth, and that I am in control, that emotions don't define who I am but only actions do. For the moment, just writing this down alleviates stress.

Another tendency is to act within the game in a way that gets affected by my emotions, then I am not my 'sober' self any more and I regret it later and I feel bad for myself because that's not the type of person I wanna be. And I need an intervention in this case too. I guess I need to pause when I catch myself getting in that state of mind and.. sober up? It sounds like so far my big all encompassing issue is discipline, really.. 

And it fits very well with the third urge I have, and that's postponing or sacrificing parts of my schedule because I want to play "a little more". I feel bad that I haven't slept full 8 hours straight ever since I allowed gaming again. But I didn't feel bad when I occasionally did that for other activities. I guess the difference here is the fact I haven't connected this to destructive consequences when it comes to watching a movie or staying up with friends at a bar.

So yeah, these things trigger me big time and my first guttural reaction is flight, I get anxious and I feel like I am incapable of holding my own. I get overwhelmed and scared of what I might do and how I might end up gaming all day again. But what I need to do is give myself focused time to process the feelings, like how I've been sitting here just writing about it all on my phone and taking my time. I have been postponing doing this real vulnerable conversation with myself, and I have felt like giving up while writing, but I didn't stop even if digging in myself like this is a slow process and uncomfortable and "not pleasant" and I felt like fleeing from it too. But I did it anyway.

This digging and evaluation and realignment makes me feel like I'm in control again. For some reason, I can't really achieve it without writing down my thoughts. I have tried doing it in my brain, alone, but my thoughts race and I can't tame them in logical order. I just become more confused and overwhelmed - unless someone can talk me through it, like how my family helped me yesterday. 

I feel like I'm really growing through this hardship, but I need to put in the mental health work like I was doing up until a few weeks ago when I felt like I'm at a good spot. I need to do my "brain fitness" tasks else I'll sink in anxiety. I just have too many emotions and haven't trained my logical side and discipline to tame them yet. I need to work dutifully on this.

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Hurting people - I'm not sure if you meant it as a hypothetical scenario or if you really like it, but the underlying aggression can be used for good as well, perhaps in martial arts, law enforcement or military. I don't think you want to manifest it in the wrong way as you are thinking of it though and you are correct about that. However, it has its place inside of you and you need to accept it and control it. The greatest tyrants of the 20th century were human too, after all.

Gaming - It's a tough call. You kinda have to trust yourself that if you want to play an hour according to your schedule, you'll play an hour, save and quit or finish the current match and then move onto something else. Maybe you'll fail sometimes and play hour and a half. I can imagine if you relatively "master" that (let's say you play an hour a day for a month with 85% success rate), I think it makes you stronger and more vigilant in life in general. You need some good countermeasures for support though, if other things in your life go south, so you don't fall back into full-fledged addiction, because gaming will be THE first thing to binge on, possibly for the rest of your life.

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Day 182.

I am deeply satisfied with myself and at peace with my actions for the moment. I am grateful for the support I have and do receive, and I see now, discipline and making up my mind without impulse is what I need to feel in control. There is no one rushing me to decide how to act towards games or the people in them, and I am now learning not to rush indeed.

There is however something that seems impossible to fix and that is how I can not sleep properly like I did before, if I'm playing till bedtime. Thus I commit to pushing the limit for games to end one hour before my bedtime, in hopes of getting 8 relaxed hours of rest. Because after I reunited with them, I have almost consistently been only getting 6, and it's not because of alarms. I think my body is unable to let go of the adrenaline and thus wakes up asa it gets the minimum rest. Maybe it thinks I'm in a stressful situation. And so, since I don't have power over that, I accept it and will try to give it time away from mental stimulation. I want to be a healthy human, I won't be a slave to "fun".

That's something I love about games, they stimulate so well, but I think that type of intense fun is not suitable to the evening time, for me at least. 

All in all I feel well, even if my situation isn't perfect. Life doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be meaningful, mindful and fun. I want to achieve a good balance of those.

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Day 184.

I might not be ready for this. I stress about negative outcomes a lot, I'm unable to look at gaming neutrally. My family tells me I'm still kicking it, doing my job etc, but I am afraid. I'm too emotional and it's hard to control that. When I game I feel impulsive and hyper and those things make me afraid cause they remind me of what my life looked like when I was ruled by those emotions. I feel a pull towards hype, but I also find it toxic for my body. Gaming is stimulating, but it creates chemicals that I have nowhere to channel after I'm done with it. And they stay in my body till the next day, and they accumulate if I game the next day. It's only been a week but I am already noticing stress side effects. Maybe I'm sensitive to adrenaline and that's what made me an addict in the first place. But I don't want to feel tense all the time, and I sure as hell don't want to go back to gaming being my priority because of such a sensitivity. Maybe the fun of competition is the carrot stick, but I'm really not in a place where I can get it without getting triggered and afraid yet. It's okay to backpedal out of this situation if it hurts me, body and mind.

And that's what I'm doing for a few days, to see what happens with myself. 

Thank you all for understanding my reasoning for giving this a try and not judging me. 

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It's all good, well done!

I wonder if gradual exposure works with gaming, I think it might. It's used for various illnesses or conditions, like claustrophobia or agoraphobia. It also makes you courageous in a sense, since you act despite fear. I might try that one day myself.

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Day 185.

I'm tired, literally. Ever since I tried to rehabilitate myself, my tension levels skyrocketed. I've been having a hard time falling asleep because I'm thinking negatively. And I only stay asleep for 6 hours or less. Today that was 5 hours. I don't deserve this. I'm so afraid of gaming that I think too much about not messing up. Psychologically, my days have slowly been getting better, I've been practicing focusing my energy to something else when I find myself stressing. But God damn, my sleep is messed up because of it even without gaming, I assume cause I got triggered.

I just want to go to bed and fall asleep at any time I go and stay asleep for 8 hours. Why does it have to be so complicated with me? I could just ban the whole world of gaming again to get back to safety, but it feels like I'd be backpedaling into a comfort zone without getting actually stronger. I'm so mentally tired too, I'm upset with the consequences of rehab, I have so much tension within me. 

I know I'm not doing any acceptance for the most part. It's all fear fear fear, negative projections, and worrying. Am I capable of fixing myself, even? This exposure to game-phobia is really giving me a hard time.

Might add more, submitting for now so that I don't lose the text.

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49 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Day 185.

I'm tired, literally. Ever since I tried to rehabilitate myself, my tension levels skyrocketed. I've been having a hard time falling asleep because I'm thinking negatively. And I only stay asleep for 6 hours or less. Today that was 5 hours. I don't deserve this. I'm so afraid of gaming that I think too much about not messing up. Psychologically, my days have slowly been getting better, I've been practicing focusing my energy to something else when I find myself stressing. But God damn, my sleep is messed up because of it even without gaming, I assume cause I got triggered.

I just want to go to bed and fall asleep at any time I go and stay asleep for 8 hours. Why does it have to be so complicated with me? I could just ban the whole world of gaming again to get back to safety, but it feels like I'd be backpedaling into a comfort zone without getting actually stronger. I'm so mentally tired too, I'm upset with the consequences of rehab, I have so much tension within me. 

I know I'm not doing any acceptance for the most part. It's all fear fear fear, negative projections, and worrying. Am I capable of fixing myself, even? This exposure to game-phobia is really giving me a hard time.

Might add more, submitting for now so that I don't lose the text.

I don't know what to say because i've never faced the decision you've made to train yourself to be in a gaming environment but not suffer addiction. It kind of reminds me of just gaming in moderation and forcing it to work, but I don't know. I don't know if it's a good idea but it is not me deciding. I know I couldn't do it because in my heart I know it's right that I quit gaming. Just be fair to yourself and make sure you're doing the right thing. I'm not a fan of it, but I wish you luck. 

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On 6/4/2019 at 8:50 AM, BooksandTrees said:

i've never faced the decision you've made to train yourself to be in a gaming environment but not suffer addiction.

It's hard, but after all these months, after having a change of heart and mind on what I want from life, I know deep within me that spending the majority of my time in games isn't what I deeply desire. Still, I do not go into the hobby calmly or lightly yet. My past has left me with a lot of shame and I feel guilty just by reconnecting to that world. I'm scarred by my own past actions. I can draw a parallel with having one too many drinks on a usual basis and getting sexually abused a few times while drunk, then forever keeping drinking and abuse connected. I abused myself while I gamed, it was me. And it's both easier and harder to deal with feelings towards yourself, for different reasons. But that's rehabilitation, changing your relationship to the triggers of bad behavior. It's not meant to be easy, but it's meant to be worth it and make you a stronger person.

Don't try this unless you got a solid support system to watch you from outside and see if you're still moving forward with your life while trying to rehab. I feel much safer getting opinions on my routines from people outside the gaming sphere.

 

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20 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

It's hard, but after all these months, after having a change of heart and mind on what I want from life, I know deep within me that spending the majority of my time in games isn't what I deeply desire. Still, I do not go into the hobby calmly or lightly yet. My past has left me with a lot of shame and I feel guilty just by reconnecting to that world. I'm scarred by my own past actions. I can draw a parallel with having one too many drinks on a usual basis and getting sexually abused a few times while drunk, then forever keeping drinking and abuse connected. I abused myself while I gamed, it was me. And it's both easier and harder to deal with feelings towards yourself, for different reasons. But that's rehabilitation, changing your relationship to the triggers of bad behavior. It's not meant to be easy, but it's meant to be worth it and make you a stronger person.

Don't try this unless you got a solid support system to watch you from outside and see if you're still moving forward with your life while trying to rehab. I feel much safer getting opinions on my routines from people outside the gaming sphere.

 

That makes sense to me. I don't think I could handle that right now with my volatility but I'll support you with that journey. 

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Day 187.

This is like a Pandora's box at every turn. There are people I left behind when I quit that make me feel bad and stressed when I see their name because I remember fights we'd get into, the toxicity of online comms. I feel bad for my past behavior, I haven't forgiven myself at all. Every day that I remember something, there's that goblin in my mind trying to find the worst explanation for it, how I was a bad person for going that, even if reality isn't that. It's just excessive doom thinking as a result of being in a triggering environment.

I haven't accepted I was addicted and acted in ways that were wrong. Not deeply, not in a way that allows for moving on. I'm still mentally in that state of guilt and shame and regret, even if my actions are for the most part aligned perfectly with my goals at the moment. Exactly how many leftover garbage bags are there within my heart and mind when it comes to gaming? There's a false, distorted opinion on things at every turn. 

That's what's giving me the stress and tension in my muscles. I feel as if I'm in a dangerous jungle and if I don't deal with my emotionally (fear) created illusion I'll never be able to move on, only close the box again. I have had to correct opinions about myself the last months, a lot of them, sitting down and evaluating them. I'm honestly hesitant to share that about games, what if doing that "publicly" here triggers people? I don't want anyone else to hurt. My struggle and pain is self induced and within a certain frame. I don't want anyone going back to it because of my posts, thinking it can be done. That's still an experiment here.

What do I feel when I'm near gaming? Shame of 6/10 and anxiety of 8/10

What's a thought that's crossing my mind when I feel that way? "You're an addict, you're out of control. You're fooling yourself, this is all a trap. Your whole life is just about games and nothing more. You're a loser and you're going to end up right where you started, you can't do this."

What's false about the thoughts? Well first of all I'm not a fucking loser. I've been doing really well professionally and in the social life aspect so far, and this hasn't taken a back seat since I gamed again either. I have a professional vision for myself and I have goals for myself that I work on diligently, and when my schedule frees up from certain duties I'll try to learn some new stuff to add to my resume so to speak. My life isn't about games. I'm not out of control at all, I'm in this supervising myself very closely.

What's true about the thoughts? My life isn't about games but I enjoy and get excited about them. I get an adrenaline rush because of them, and that makes me feel good. And I like feeling good. 

How do I feel after evaluating the thoughts? Shame 4/10 and anxiety 3/10

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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1 hour ago, fawn_xoxo said:

What's true about the thoughts? My life isn't about games but I enjoy and get excited about them. I get an adrenaline rush because of them, and that makes me feel good. And I like feeling good. 

How do I feel after evaluating the thoughts? Shame 4/10 and anxiety 3/10 

 

Games were like a trap to me, this sequence always repeated: tired -> low grades -> games -> temporary happiness, but you already beat that 187 days you are amazing, I wish one day achieve this mark and Good Luck with your journey! I tried to find an image that shows the sequence. You have a bad day, but when you play you're good and they say "You Win" so this makes me feel good

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5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

This is like a Pandora's box at every turn. There are people I left behind when I quit that make me feel bad and stressed when I see their name because I remember fights we'd get into, the toxicity of online comms. I feel bad for my past behavior, I haven't forgiven myself at all. Every day that I remember something, there's that goblin in my mind trying to find the worst explanation for it, how I was a bad person for going that, even if reality isn't that. It's just excessive doom thinking as a result of being in a triggering environment.

This. You need to forgive yourself and you do that by understanding what led you to that point. Only if you are truthful to yourself, you can bridge that self-disgust and self-hatred that's pursuing you and you can't sell yourself short on that, because your self-trust and integrity is in question.

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10 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

1. There are people I left behind when I quit that make me feel bad and stressed when I see their name because I remember fights we'd get into, the toxicity of online comms. I feel bad for my past behavior, I haven't forgiven myself at all. Every day that I remember something, there's that goblin in my mind trying to find the worst explanation for it, how I was a bad person for going that, even if reality isn't that. It's just excessive doom thinking as a result of being in a triggering environment.

2. I haven't accepted I was addicted and acted in ways that were wrong. Not deeply, not in a way that allows for moving on. I'm still mentally in that state of guilt and shame and regret, even if my actions are for the most part aligned perfectly with my goals at the moment. Exactly how many leftover garbage bags are there within my heart and mind when it comes to gaming? There's a false, distorted opinion on things at every turn. 

3. What's false about the thoughts? Well first of all I'm not a fucking loser. I've been doing really well professionally and in the social life aspect so far, and this hasn't taken a back seat since I gamed again either. I have a professional vision for myself and I have goals for myself that I work on diligently, and when my schedule frees up from certain duties I'll try to learn some new stuff to add to my resume so to speak. My life isn't about games. I'm not out of control at all, I'm in this supervising myself very closely.

I wanted to discuss 3 points with you. I numbered them above and highlighted things that stuck out to me, similar to how Mouxine talked to me. I liked that.

1. I was wondering if you feel regret about the way you acted with people in your past community. Do you wish you could communicate with them and apologize, but also wish they would apologize to you for their participation in the arguments and fallouts? I know I won't apologize to my dad because I don't expect him to apologize to me. But I think for my own health it is better if I apologize to get it off my conscience. That might be the right way to forgive yourself. It might be a hostile environment, but sometimes apologizing and moving on could be the path to forgiveness and letting go of pride.

2. Why haven't you accepted you were addicted to games or that prior environment? Why must you feel guilt and shame if you're not admitting you had an addiction. I also highlighted something. Are you looking for a certain feeling in your heart to click and resonate with you to which you say "You know, I have felt enough shame and guilt and understand that I was addicted and can move forward."? I am not trying to be mean by that statement. I am just wondering if you're burying yourself with guilt and shame to make yourself feel terrible enough to break and understand you were addicted to a degree.  I think you're too strong to be broken and that's a good and bad thing. I don't think you'll allow yourself to be broken because you know it's not worth it. You know you can live the life you want and be the best you can be and that breaking will hold yourself back. I am wondering if you'd benefit by quickly stating you were addicted, but aren't anymore and can move on with your life. The label of an addict is not as bad as it seems.

Not all game addicts need to avoid games forever. Sometimes you find other things that fit your life better and your passions change. Then you can game sometimes and be in that environment again. I relapsed while gaming in moderation because my career sucked and I had no hobbies. Now that I have hobbies and left my career, etc, I don't game anymore. (I do watch porn, but that's more relationship/self-esteem/connection issues).

3. You're not a fucking loser. Correct. You've taken steps away from the drawing you did before and are now doing professional and social development. That takes a shit load of effort and is hard to do all of the time. It's exhausting. I was amazing at runescape. But I remember the first 4 months I played I had to look at the keyboard to type and get killed every time. Now I can type my thoughts without looking at the screen, turn to someone else, and talk to them with an entirely different conversation.  I'm not only bragging because I'm also not a fucking loser, but I am making the point that your journey through game quitting hasn't lasted a year yet and you have so much to prove and do for yourself. The more control you gain in your life the better it is for you. I think as long as you're not derailing your future by getting depressed, playing for hours, getting offline with regret and shame, then crying yourself to sleep, then you're fine. I was doing that when I played in moderation and had to quit. I knew it was not for me because my life was not right for me yet. This is different for everyone.

I hope this helps.

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Day 188.

I can not do this, and it's okay. I wanted to give it a go and measure my strength but it's not worth it. I don't feel bad for trying to overcome the negative emotions, but if it's unbearable and the side effects don't subside with exposure, I don't intend to jeopardize my happiness just to get stronger. I'm not healed completely yet, but the distance had successfully left me to re-become a more carefree version of me. I liked that, waking up with positive thoughts and hopes and smiles. So the "experiment" is officially over for me. The conclusions are, I'm in a better place than I was 6 months ago, but I'm still healing and there's no reason to poke my wounds. 

Looking forward to living carefree again, without immense negative self talk and the like. Life has so much to offer, I will flourish elsewhere for now, not this specific weakness. It's still a Pandora's box, but for now it will stay in the basement.

Thanks for the support everyone, for understanding me. 

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Day 189.

I have so many feelings, it's overwhelming to deal with. Even if it was only my sleep that went backwards for those days, I carry it so heavily within me. I tend to linger in emotions, even if I do my things, do my duties, my work, I still carry that shame, that anxiety. After I came in contact with this trigger I became anxious and fearful and I no longer woke up feeling light and happy. The whole day I felt just like I felt in the past when I gamed all day, everything came back. What is wrong with me? I fight reality in my mind when I realize I have a trait I don't like. I wish that I could behave differently, even if I can't. I am not other people, I am me. Why do I keep comparing myself to other people? If my friend can only game for two hours a day, I should too. But it's not like that. I have to accept my circumstances and my specific strengths and weaknesses. I can not act the same way as other people do, same as they can't act towards other parts of life the same way I do. I am stronger in self control in other parts of life, they might be stronger in self control in gaming. 

I am emotionally lingering in the guilt and fear so much. I am told by those around me that my actions are not wrong, I did not revert back to old habits for the most part, and yet just those little things were enough to make me go back to negative self talk all day long. I don't want that in my head, I don't want that burden in my mind and my heart. I need to accept that what happened in the past is in the past and even if I feel urges, I should not feel bad for having urges. I don't give in the urges, why do I freaking feel bad about even having them? I don't feel bad for having an urge to eat sugar, I just ignore it, I don't blame myself for having the urge, I don't get upset and anxious and fearful of 'what might happen now that I got this urge' for wanting to eat the wrong food, or binge watch a show one evening or something. But I feel terrible just for getting an urge to game. 

I know that I have advised so many people here that only actions matter, how you feel doesn't dictate who you are, only what you do does. And yet my negative emotions have been so big and been left unchecked for all the previous days that they led me to a mountain of upcoming doom, even if only small things happened. So here I am, trying to check them, trying to proof read them. Did I do something utterly horrible? What did I do that was bad? What did I do right? I have to do this factual checking, else my thoughts run rampant on how horrible I am. And it feels really vulnerable doing it here, but I think it's the right thing, and maybe someone else going through the same negative self talk no matter at which point in their journey, they might find it useful. 

So what did I do wrong the past days? Well, I stayed up late most of the days and then I didn't get enough sleep. Then when I  got up and did my things, I wasn't at full mental capacity. Then I felt bad, really bad, knowing this was "like old times" when I'd run on minimum sleep just to game one more hour and one more hour. That was so triggering for my anxiety. But I stopped that. I went to bed at the right time the night before and I woke up at a good time today. I didn't do anything else wrong, it was just this, and logic says it was a mistake, but it wasn't that bad since I went back to sleeping right and distanced myself from it all. 

What did I do right the past days? I ate well for the most part, still on the weight loss journey. I did the tasks I had planned for myself, professionally, and I still got out of the house for social meet ups as intended. I attended to the social needs of my family too, i didn't ignore anyone just to game. 

So, the facts say it wasn't perfect but it wasn't like old times. I really need to reality-check the thoughts that cause negative feelings it seems. I even need to re-read them to really make it stick, what really happened and that the doom thinking in my head doesn't equal reality. 

 

Adding more later on: 

I have neglected doing introspection as things got better for me and I took that good mood and feeling for granted. I stopped journaling and gratitude practice, and then that led me to this, where it was hard for me to force myself to write, cause it would mean admitting things aren't perfect, whereas postponing it gave my ego the leeway to think it got this, it can do it. But it's not true. I need to talk with myself about what happens to me and that thoughts come to me and discuss with myself on paper. That's what got me where I am, that's how I managed to deal with phobias and fears, by admitting them to myself on paper, then moving to committing to doing something about it and doing it, even if it's scary. 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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I feel so stressed because of all this. It's not an easy period in my life in general due to some external factors but.. just coming in contact with games turned on the addict freaking switch, why? Why do I have to be thinking about escaping every responsibility again, after going in that space? Why can't I be like so many other people, why can't it be like Facebook or Instagram, that I log in to kill some time when I'm waiting for a while or something, then not thinking about it at all? Why do I have to feel like prioritizing games, then feeling like I'm out of control again because of that? 

Why, why, why?

I'm not healed by any means, I feel so broken because of the urges. I feel so much in general. I want to be a normal freaking person that can touch "alcohol" like the rest of the healthy, socially drinking population, not an "alcoholic". 

Is my life just empty, still? 

I feel like I'm a little like Tom, from this forum, not really good at a peaceful life. I need high stimulation from life at all times to feel alive and well. I can look back at my life before games and I see actions I took that categorized me as a thrill seeker. I looked for the next hit, even if it wasn't drugs or anything, it was behavioral. I need those high impact situations. I don't know why. But I've been like this forever, and it turned into a gaming addiction once I started playing games. It just took on another shape, I guess.

Just needed to write things down, cause they're on my mind and I can't focus on getting stuff done. 

This makes me feel like I've not progressed as much as I thought. This is my whole life's pattern it seems like.

Always wanting more, wanting the next thing, the better feeling, not being satisfied with what I have once things are calm and steady.

Is it possible I have a mental disorder? These things just pop up in my mind in these emotional moments.

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42 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Is it possible I have a mental disorder? These things just pop up in my mind in these emotional moments.

Absolutely yes. This is why gaming addiction is classified as a disease now, just as all the other addictions. Alcoholics are very rarely able to ever drink again. And those that do it successfully take YEARS to do so. The environment and life situation around it is also important. We don't really know how long this takes for gaming addiction because it's quite a new phenomena, but my guess is that it wouldn't be too different.

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1 hour ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Is it possible I have a mental disorder? These things just pop up in my mind in these emotional moments.

Yes and no.

2 minutes ago, JustTom said:

Absolutely yes. This is why gaming addiction is classified as a disease now, just as all the other addictions. Alcoholics are very rarely able to ever drink again. And those that do it successfully take YEARS to do so. The environment and life situation around it is also important. We don't really know how long this takes for gaming addiction because it's quite a new phenomena, but my guess is that it wouldn't be too different.

I agree that gaming for half the day is an unhealthy thing, however it is generally a symptom of something else. In my case it was social rejection (I was the most unfun person to do anything with when I was 12-16), which was most likely a symptom of my parents not paying enough attention to my irresponsible (but what does a teenager know? everything, except most of it) time usage, which was probably a symptom of my parents' time usage on priorities, which was a symptom... this I would have to ask them about in more detail to continue this, however you get the idea by now that it was something coming a VERY long way.

The good thing is I've identified the core issue on my individual level and I can deal with that in a healthier way than blaming my parents and playing a victim for the rest of the life!

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As a side note, I remembered that I tend to linger in my feelings (is my nature). The truth is feelings are a good factor to judge whether you are going the right way or not with your actions, but they aren't definite. I can be sad and suddenly laugh if I hear a joke. Why do I say this? Because on top of having a bad experience or negative thought, I beat myself up and sink in the bad state of mind, I guess you could call that dramaqueen behavior? I don't know. But I do that, and it doesn't help me, it doesn't serve me. 

I should ignore bad feelings that I have fact checked to be based on something false. And I should take action and be mindfully present in that action, so that I can experience new emotions in the moment.

As far as mental disorders go, I meant the thrill seeking tendencies I've had all my life.

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4 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

As far as mental disorders go, I meant the thrill seeking tendencies I've had all my life. 

It depends, maybe you want to explore and experiment more and conquer your fears. Perhaps you can collect phone numbers from the other sex on the street, go paragliding or whatever else you want. It requires some planning to channel your inner desire though.

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