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fawn_xoxo

Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

On the other hand, you didn't relapse. You were trapped at home for a few days and feeling depressed, but you didn't choose to game. Instead, you wrote a diary to analyze your situation. Respect.

We tend to focus on what we have yet to do instead of we have achieved. But progress matters. A little progress every day is all you need to reach the top.

Also, if you want to, you can always post your paintings here or any other places online. It's natural that we want feedback for our work.

If you feel painful while drawing, then just stop. Do whatever your heart desires. However, do not give up because it is difficult. It's supposed to be difficult. That's why artists are respected.

 

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3 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

 

I feel so bad. I feel so emotional. I don't feel like gaming at all, I am just not happy right now.

Some stuff happened in RL during the holidays that gave me a lot of stress and I have also been getting annoyed by things that are happening in RL, cause they are small little things that add up, ruining my mood, day after day. Delays, changes of plans which affect me negatively and stuff like that. I haven't left the house for almost a week because of the holidays, everything being either too crowded or closed and this might have to do with it, cause I don't like staying in the four walls of my house too much, I need a dose of the world outside. I work every day now (in my house), I am productive. I draw every day, like I had said I would, but I feel no pleasure in doing it the last few days. I have no reason to draw, I don't have those ideas in my head that artists have, or that desire to express myself, I don't have any of that. And even if I think of reasons, like portraits of characters I like, I know that I won't have a result I like right now, cause I am not good at drawing yet. In order to get good at drawing I have to learn fundamentals and the process is so repetitive, and although that was tolerable at first, after doing for days, even if I've seen progress, I don't like it right now. The progress isn't enough to make me happy, because the awareness of all the things I don't know and are stopping me for creating beautiful pieces makes me overwhelmed and discouraged. I am aware of all the things that need fixing if I try to draw something, and so I feel it isn't worth it.

I also understand that drawing, like all other arts that I've dabbled in, needs time. A good drawing might need 1.5hr to complete. A painting might need 10 hours in total to complete. But right now, under these circumstances, I don't feel like it is good for me to stay and do things that I am really bad at for so many hours. It also is lonely and I've never liked spending a lot of time alone, it doesn't feel rewarding to just be with myself. I don't think this sounds healthy though, so idk.

These emotions have been piling up inside me for days now. I am taking it easy since yesterday, being more loose in my schedule, but idk if it's for the better. I just don't want to pressure myself, I want these emotions out of my system and to be calm and neutral. I know myself. I know that this will pass once I get a chance to get out, change scenery for a few hours, get out of my head. I know that I will get back on the horse and continue learning, but right now I'm just feeling like this and sharing it. I am putting it down on 'paper' just so I can get a clearer view and start planning on how to get out of this rut.

So, key things: 
• I don't like being alone for too long. I don't like staying in my house too many days in a row, I only did this the past years because gaming kept me glued to the computer, addicted. Now that I don't have such a reason, I feel very frustrated with staying in the same place for many hours. I get bored, I eat to cope with boredom and restlessness, then my weight gets affected too. So I might need to get a gym subscription, which will get me out of the house for an hour as often as I feel like, will help a little with the weight loss and offer a solution for doing something away from the computer that isn't walking out in the cold. Or I might try to just go for a walk when I feel like that, then come back with fresh desire to stay indoors where it's warm.
• I like working alone, but I don't like working only for myself to see. I have to find a way for the art journey to become more social, even if online only, so that I get motivation from other people, that's what works for me. I don't like producing art just for me, it isn't satisfactory to me, it isn't enough.

 

I'm sorry that you have been stressed out and not at your strongest lately.  I have been here so often over the past few months and sometimes it's so hard to see progress being made.  There are times where I am in the same frustration you are where I don't want to game, but I feel like I need to do something, but can't.  It's because I'm not good enough at the hobby where I need someone else's direction to help me move forward.  Gaming can make me feel confident because I don't need direction anymore.

It's important to realize this because you need direction to learn proper diet, proper workout routines, drawing, writing, digital art, sculpting, etc.  Without direction or purpose for these hobbies we lack the motivation sometimes to keep going and feel sustained.  You are such a proud and powerful person that you can do something so well, but need that purpose or else it feels like a waste.  This is a good thing.  Don't let it hurt your ego.  You are incredible.

I mentioned this to you outside the forums, but maybe an instagram or deviant art account for your artwork could help you build a network.  You can share with your peers, get advice, get compliments, get constructive criticism, and post it.  When I posted my podcasts they made me feel so happy and accomplished.  This could work for you.  I really enjoy seeing your work and would love to keep seeing it.  It makes my day better when I see the work you've done and know how much it means to you.  You have learned so much recently and are doing a great job.  Just remember that your ego, heart, and soul have feelings as well that are unconscious to your brain.  If you are nice and caring to yourself and allow yourself some time to not be 100% on drawing then you'll feel better all around.

Now is the time to start doing smaller things around the house, out of the house, try new healthy recipes (I go to skinnytaste.com), and other stuff for getting yourself a more balanced routine so you're not always drawing.

I am proud of you for getting this far and I know you can keep going.

Matt 

Edited by Matt S
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Day 55-56,  December 27-28th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 27-28

Aaaaand I'm out of the emotional swamp. 😄 I got a realistic perspective on how much I should expect from the time I put in the drawing and just all around adjusted my unrealistic expectations about it. I am starting to find some enjoyment in it too! I am still not 'there'  when it comes to being able to focus as long as I imagine a person not addicted to the internet might be able to focus, but with every week that passes it seems I can stay on one task a little more and a little more. I am satisfied with these small gradual changes and progress!

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Hey 🙂 I'm happy you're doing better. Being out of home, wherever you are, is very important for an addict because it means getting out of your comfort zone and being challanged with life tasks. Also the perception of passing time when you're out of home is radically different. In front of a computer screen, three hours are the blink of an eye. In the outside world they're, possibly, the start and the end of a storm, and everything that happens in between. I'm sorry I don't mean to be too riddley or metaphorical, I'm just very tired 😅

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5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Aaaaand I'm out of the emotional swamp. 😄 I got a realistic perspective on how much I should expect from the time I put in the drawing and just all around adjusted my unrealistic expectations about it. I am starting to find some enjoyment in it too! I am still not 'there'  when it comes to being able to focus as long as I imagine a person not addicted to the internet might be able to focus, but with every week that passes it seems I can stay on one task a little more and a little more. I am satisfied with these small gradual changes and progress!

I don't think we'll ever get 'there' but it's that journey we embark on to get 'there' that matters most to us.  Each week might be different for us, but as long as we hold a few core values true to us along this journey then we'll be able to support ourselves and get through the tough times and revel in the great times.  Keep up the good work.

Matt

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Day 57-62,  December 29th 2018- January 3rd 2019
No gaming day 29-34

No sugar day 6

tenor (1).gif

Hoping to fill this out tomorrow if I'm not busy BUT just wanted to quickly update my timers! I've been kicking it with sugar, accepting the pain of withdrawal as part of your process does wonder for me! 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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January 4th 2019: Day 63 No gaming day 35 - No sugar day 7.

So, what have I been doing? Well, I have been keeping to my routine: drawing and painting, and working! The more I paint and draw, the more I understand about it, the less lost I feel and the higher my hopes are for my progress. I have gone from not being able to stay in my drawing software for more than 50 minutes to now doing 2.5 hours plus (with breaks) of total drawing exercises etc, my brain is slowly adjusting to the process. I feel like I am headed to the right direction, doing things that are good for me, even if my inner chaotic child screams against the chains of discipline. 

During the holidays I had to stay at home a lot and that definitely doesn't make me happy, alas given the weather and the circumstances I can not get out as much. I hope to get out more, draw and paint outside the house during spring, maybe draw people as they move around or in coffee houses, I am not sure yet. 

I am still an addict in recovery, and so even if some days feel more like progress and some feel less like it, I continue. I might procrastinate doing things here and there, distract myself with 30 minutes of youtube or such, but having my tasks for the day planned helps me be accountable to myself and, even if postponed, get them done.I feel good about my life and hopeful for my future. I hope for more discipline and focus in my activities, more awareness in my emotions.

As far as food goes, I forced myself to abstain from sugar again and I intend to keep this with only one, singular dessert per week (as known as cheat meal, but in my case it's not a meal, just a single sugar-containing food portion, ie an ice cream or three cookies). A lot of times I found myself 'wanting to eat' but in truth it was either that I was restless with staying by my computer or that I wanted a change in my current, usual physical situation (aka would have loved to go for a walk instead), or even when I was plain tired. So when I realized I needed a ' state change' , what I did one time was I went to my bed, picked up a book I haven't read yet from my little pile, and started on it. It worked. I know when I am hungry, when my stomach makes the sounds, and I know when I just ' want to eat '. For my health and looks, I am doing my best to listen to my body's needs regarding food, and not my bored/tired/frustrated mind. For that, I gotta go and do something else, relax etc. My weight is dropping again, no complaints here. I just need to be consistent. With everything.

I also noticed how much more emotion I experience, in strength and how often it occurs, now that I am not distracting myself with gaming. I have a lot of feelings, I love deeply and I care deeply for those few people in my life - and that is okay. Just my observation post-abstinence from games. I guess in a way, for some emotions (like missing someone you love), gaming worked as a numbing pill, a drug, right? It could be.

I feel like this post is all over the place and if I'd written it at night before I close my eyes it'd have been more to the point and precise (cause that's when I sum up my day somewhat in my mind and think to plan for the next) but what can you do. 😁

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17 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

I also noticed how much more emotion I experience, in strength and how often it occurs, now that I am not distracting myself with gaming. I have a lot of feelings, I love deeply and I care deeply for those few people in my life - and that is okay. Just my observation post-abstinence from games. I guess in a way, for some emotions (like missing someone you love), gaming worked as a numbing pill, a drug, right? It could be.
😁

Aka brain fog. I remember I used to even dream about gaming, every night. When you have an addiction in your life, there’s no space for, say, emotions. You just keep gaming over and over, your sense of “being present” fades day after day. Usually you even notice it, too. Other people notice for sure.

About the weight concern (you probably mentioned it but I didn’t read your journal yet) what’s your relationship with exercising? Not only as a way to get in a better physical shape but also in a better mental shape, as @Silverlining mentioned in my journal.

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I went to bed at the right time and got waken up by my alarm. For some reason, the sleep doesn't feel enough and I don't feel like getting up from my bed yet. The frustration came back a couple days ago, starting from my lack of skill in drawing, but I'm not certain it's the actual problem. I wonder if I have cyclothymia, uncontrollable changes of mood that is, which are too mild to be considered bipolar disorder. Then I look at my past actions and see how once more this emotion comes to me three days after the last time I left my house. The weather is horrible and it's dangerous to go outside. So I stay in, but the past two days I've been feeling very down. I had a break in my bad mood from yesterday noon till night after talking with someone close to me. Half of yesterday was okay so. But today as I woke up and didn't want to get up, I started wondering why I'm not happy. Why I haven't been happy ever since I decided to be consumed by gaming, around seven years ago. I was enjoying life before, I was going out so often, I was having a great time.

Maybe the answer really is in ditching my computer and getting a work station laptop to go work from coffee places and treating house like a relaxation location only. I lack interaction with new sensations, sight and smell and sounds, and my current observations say that this recluse thing has been a constant all through my bad habits and unhappiness period. 

I went on holiday with my partner last summer, every day was filled with walking and exploring and being together. I felt my best during those active times, I felt my most alive. Maybe this work from home thing is eating me alive. Comfort might be the reason but maybe I'm sacrificing mental health for it. 

In a couple of months I'll be able to start couch to 2k, weather allowing. We'll see how I feel about it then if I'm getting out to do that every day.

No sugar day 11 and no gaming day 39, what I have to report is that since I cut out all the sugar in my diet, eating really is not very interesting any more, it's no longer a fun activity, no longer is it a good answer to boredom or frustration or sadness and so I'm dealing with it all on my own. It's hard, but it's better. I want no such crutches, I want no shackles and I surely don't want the associated health side effects that sugar has. I am 40% fat, even if I don't look it, and I decided to treat sugar intake like a forbidden substance as if I already had a disease. No more insulin spikes in my blood from it, the sweetest thing I eat now is oranges and they taste pretty sweet to me now to be honest. What if my moods are a result of the sugar detox? I don't exclude that possibility either. All the times in my life that I was doing well, I didn't care about food beyond eating to satisfy hunger. All the times I felt alive where times filled with activities and food was only a small break between them because I needed it, not to fill up any gap.

 I feel no urges to go back to gaming. I write this journal for myself, exploring my situation, trying to dig into it. Writing and exploring possibilities helps me, takes me out of the helpless state of mind and reminds me I have to react and fix it in some way.

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January 11th 2019: Day 70 No gaming day 41- No sugar day 13.

Trying to explain my mood fluctuations is hard, I can't be sure about it yet. But yesterday was good, and the day before yesterday was good as well after I wrote down my thoughts here. I think I'm just not satisfied if I have a lot of thoughts but don't tidy them up. So, journal helps with that greatly.

I am considering the gym as a temporary solution to going out of the house more now that it's really cold here. My weight is stuck for the moment and it would give me a boost to do some cardio and burn some extra calories per day. Though truth is everything starts in the kitchen when it comes to weight, and I really haven't been feeling hungry after I cut the sugar out. However the mental connection is still here and tortures me every day lately, seeking an answer to boredom via food. I ordered a pizza yesterday and even though I was full with half of it I ate the rest too. This is problematic, cause I both had this bad physical feeling afterwards and I know that it probably rendered the day useless when it comes to a calorie deficit. There's a lot of boredom for me in staying indoors, I think. Maybe I should try to change rooms when I'm done with work, move to the living room? Then again my house isn't very big and there's not enough space for me to do that comfortably in the living room with the rest of the people.. We'll see. 

Last night between plans regarding my work and drawing I envisioned myself in a better fitness state and that made me smile. I would love to lose the fat I got around my torso and limbs, and look younger and more capable. Fitness is about beauty to me but it's also about being more able to walk longer, to run, to carry groceries etc. I would be more satisfied with myself, taking care of myself that way.

As far as drawing goes, I am still unsure whether it's the right hobby for me, because of how it keeps me indoors. I do it on a graphics tablet and not on a notebook, though I tried doing it on a notebook with a pen and although I couldn't get everything I was drawing right, I didn't feel the frustration. I still draw every day, despite all these doubts, because it's also about the goal, about not giving up, it's about clinging onto the direction I chose when I tried replacing games with other things. I will see what place it will have in my priorities when I go out of the house more, that will tell me a lot. And it's not that I don't like drawing but it's lonely in a way, and my work from the home is lonely already, so it's in that sense that I'm not sure if it's the right hobby for me right now. But it's okay. This is life, not knowing is okay. I'm free of gaming and I don't intend to go back to it, it's been a lazy, easy solution to my boredom with catastrophic results to my self esteem and focus, so no thanks. With that said, I'm now trying not using my phone in bed at night and only using it if I'm not lying down in general. I would like lying down to be equal to sleep and so I'm trying this to see how it will affect it. 

I have been trying to stick to a schedule even if I don't feel like it but I'm not sure it's good for me 100%. I am keeping the obligatory part of doing things first thing in the morning when I get out of bed, but not necessarily the same thing every day. I can get so tired of that, of repetition in general. So right now I'm going for "getting up and doing things from my list of productive activities" until early afternoon basically. Then I pause and see what I feel like doing. That often leads to boredom, cause I've been sitting on a chair all these hours, which leads to thoughts about eating, and I hate that. Then some other times I've chosen to go back to doing productive activities after 6-8pm , and that leads to feeling burnt out. I don't know what to do about it now when it's winter. I hate the cold. Everything points to the direction of going outside more though.

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Not getting enough sunshine can result in a drop in your serotonin level, which may lead to depression. The good new is, you are right about gym. Aerobics and yoga will increase your serotonin level, which can be considered as a compensation. 

As for food craving, I might have some tips. Try healthy snacks. e.g. boiled eggs, if you are not allergic. Eating eggs makes you feel full and crave less, and needless to say how healthy it is. And pecans, walnuts, etc., raw, or roasted. And chewing gums to fight boredom. 

You are cutting down on sugar and your body has not adapted to this change yet. It's natural that you might feel even stronger cravings now and then -- our ancestors had to eat as much as possible whenever there was sufficient food. The good news is, dieting consistently can shrink our appetite. Just like quitting games, it will become easier as time goes by.

Replacing a bad habit with a good one is much easier than getting rid of the bad habit alone. I have deleted anything "fun" on my phone, but I still can't resist the temptation to pick up some digital device before bedtime. So I have replaced it with a kindle, and now I read for a little while before going to sleep. 😄

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On 1/11/2019 at 1:59 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

As far as drawing goes, I am still unsure whether it's the right hobby for me, because of how it keeps me indoors. 

Hey @fawn_xoxo, I really enjoyed reading through your journal! The changes you have already made are inspiring! Just offering a couple of suggestions here... You might be on to something when it comes to changing your environment and getting out of your house for work or the gym. If the weather isn't conducive to outdoor activities, are there coffee shops/a library/a recreation center/a co-working space nearby that you can look into? I think James Clear talks about this in Atomic Habits: regularly going to a coffee shop for 10-15 minutes with the intention to journal signals to your brain each time that this is your designated space for that activity. Doing it all at home might require you to have a designated spaces for various activities in order to create the changes you want to make. 

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January 12th 2019: Day 71 No gaming day 42- No sugar day 14. 2000ml water

I have been doing work and drawing today, those have been good - did that till the late afternoon then stopped to relax. I am focused on doing these changes in my diet and my exercise, and still observing how I behave and trying to work with that. Both yesterday and today I ate more than I needed to, to the point of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. I know that it's a combination of a logical fallacy of not throwing food away and gluttony, no lies about that. I also know that with sugar out of the equation, it's far easier to eat the right amount of calories, but my mental state and the way I approach food haven't changed. It's still an answer to boredom and such for now, even if my daily calorie intake doesn't get affected by it. But I know I am doing wrong to myself, my body, stuffing it with bigger amounts than it can digest and so I have decided to change my eating pattern and help boost my weight loss by eating a big lunch and then a small dinner so I don't have problems falling asleep at night like the past couple of nights from the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

I am going to try and limit the hours that I spend preparing/eating/expecting food to just lunch-til-dinner time and thus not obsess over food the rest of the hours I am awake, what people call intermittent fasting, others might call it one-meal-per-day or similar. For me ever since I stopped sugar I just.. don't feel like eating as much as I used to.. Which is weird. I didn't expect that. I didn't think that this could be me. I thought I'd always crave and suffer in that state. I also don't feel the cravings for junk food and such foods as much I researched it and it seems the better you eat (more vegetables and fruits and such) the less you crave bad foods.. which is interesting. So now as I go my goals for my life are getting updated. I will try to mostly eat those good foods, vegetables, legumes, fruits and grains and avoid sugar and fat and all those foods that give me that high, try to be consistent with that so I made a list of all the foods I like that are in that category, all the legumes and vegetables and fruits and grains I enjoy eating so that I don't quit just because of inconvenience.

As far as scheduling goes, I find that some days I need to just linger for an hour or so and 'waste time' until I feel ready to start being productive. It might only be an hour wasted before I start work and the like, but I feel like I need that, it puts me in a better mood. Other days I am fine with just waking up and working first thing in the morning. I am not the same every day, it goes in circles or such, and that's okay. I don't need to be the same every morning, I don't need to fit into any category. Still, I like to keep a close eye on how many hours I spend each day doing productive activities and learning, or I might slip away and I don't want that. I am this type of person that the more I let go of a schedule and routine, the harder it is for me to go back. And so I don't let it go for more than a day or two, I keep reminding myself of the tasks I need to do and go back and do them and get back in the flow.

I don't ever wanna go back to gaming, it's a waste of my most precious resource, time. But by now it's rather obvious to you who's reading this that my journal has stopped being about games for quite some time. Some times I wonder if I should even write here since most of my stuff has to do with weight and hobbies and work but at the same time it is relevant to my journey after I closed the door to gaming, so I keep writing here. I read in someone else's journal that they can't enjoy anything, they don't feel like doing anything, and I know that for the longest time I felt like gaming was the only thing I was passionate about, everything else was dull. I tried and still try, despite not always feeling like it, to do all these other things and the feelings do change gradually. And that is such a fortunate thing, that we can adapt. Slowly I also am adapting and this forum thread is about my adaptation of life goals and progress once I quit gaming. At first I went for moderation, then I stopped it completely, and that was the right choice for sure.

Not every day do I feel powerful and motivated and on top of the world, no. I have had a couple of duos of days that I felt low and desperate, and why do I feel this way etc. But it's alright, I trust in the process long term, and it got better both times. I have made plans with deadlines for when I will start gym, which times of the day, as well as for my eating, and a plan of how to get better at my hobby. I try to live in the present, as is my natural tendency, but with goals for my betterment. So that my future self will be satisfied with my past self's actions. So that I like myself more tomorrow, because of today's decisions. So that if I lay low and be lazy today, I will not beat myself up tomorrow, so that I respect my feelings without being bound by them.This is another entry that feels like it will be hard to read for anyone else than me but what can one do. 😆 Thank you guys for the suggestions and information, they've been helpful. 

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But by now it's rather obvious to you who's reading this that my journal has stopped being about games for quite some time. 

 

Awesome! I think this is main goal to replace video games for another habit. And detox is not abstaining from games but replace them completely. You should keep writing here. Myself have problem with overeating etc so some people more resonate with your story than others. 

 

I read in someone else's journal that they can't enjoy anything

Yeah first steps is little bit hard but I suggest those people to take action and then motivation. Not vice versa.

 

Not every day do I feel powerful and motivated and on top of the world,

Its absolutely okay. Just keep going...

 

 

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On 1/12/2019 at 5:11 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

January 12th 2019: Day 71 No gaming day 42- No sugar day 14. 2000ml water

I have been doing work and drawing today, those have been good - did that till the late afternoon then stopped to relax. I am focused on doing these changes in my diet and my exercise, and still observing how I behave and trying to work with that. Both yesterday and today I ate more than I needed to, to the point of feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. I know that it's a combination of a logical fallacy of not throwing food away and gluttony, no lies about that. I also know that with sugar out of the equation, it's far easier to eat the right amount of calories, but my mental state and the way I approach food haven't changed. It's still an answer to boredom and such for now, even if my daily calorie intake doesn't get affected by it. But I know I am doing wrong to myself, my body, stuffing it with bigger amounts than it can digest and so I have decided to change my eating pattern and help boost my weight loss by eating a big lunch and then a small dinner so I don't have problems falling asleep at night like the past couple of nights from the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

I am going to try and limit the hours that I spend preparing/eating/expecting food to just lunch-til-dinner time and thus not obsess over food the rest of the hours I am awake, what people call intermittent fasting, others might call it one-meal-per-day or similar. For me ever since I stopped sugar I just.. don't feel like eating as much as I used to.. Which is weird. I didn't expect that. I didn't think that this could be me. I thought I'd always crave and suffer in that state. I also don't feel the cravings for junk food and such foods as much I researched it and it seems the better you eat (more vegetables and fruits and such) the less you crave bad foods.. which is interesting. So now as I go my goals for my life are getting updated. I will try to mostly eat those good foods, vegetables, legumes, fruits and grains and avoid sugar and fat and all those foods that give me that high, try to be consistent with that so I made a list of all the foods I like that are in that category, all the legumes and vegetables and fruits and grains I enjoy eating so that I don't quit just because of inconvenience.

As far as scheduling goes, I find that some days I need to just linger for an hour or so and 'waste time' until I feel ready to start being productive. It might only be an hour wasted before I start work and the like, but I feel like I need that, it puts me in a better mood. Other days I am fine with just waking up and working first thing in the morning. I am not the same every day, it goes in circles or such, and that's okay. I don't need to be the same every morning, I don't need to fit into any category. Still, I like to keep a close eye on how many hours I spend each day doing productive activities and learning, or I might slip away and I don't want that. I am this type of person that the more I let go of a schedule and routine, the harder it is for me to go back. And so I don't let it go for more than a day or two, I keep reminding myself of the tasks I need to do and go back and do them and get back in the flow.

I don't ever wanna go back to gaming, it's a waste of my most precious resource, time. But by now it's rather obvious to you who's reading this that my journal has stopped being about games for quite some time. Some times I wonder if I should even write here since most of my stuff has to do with weight and hobbies and work but at the same time it is relevant to my journey after I closed the door to gaming, so I keep writing here. I read in someone else's journal that they can't enjoy anything, they don't feel like doing anything, and I know that for the longest time I felt like gaming was the only thing I was passionate about, everything else was dull. I tried and still try, despite not always feeling like it, to do all these other things and the feelings do change gradually. And that is such a fortunate thing, that we can adapt. Slowly I also am adapting and this forum thread is about my adaptation of life goals and progress once I quit gaming. At first I went for moderation, then I stopped it completely, and that was the right choice for sure.

Not every day do I feel powerful and motivated and on top of the world, no. I have had a couple of duos of days that I felt low and desperate, and why do I feel this way etc. But it's alright, I trust in the process long term, and it got better both times. I have made plans with deadlines for when I will start gym, which times of the day, as well as for my eating, and a plan of how to get better at my hobby. I try to live in the present, as is my natural tendency, but with goals for my betterment. So that my future self will be satisfied with my past self's actions. So that I like myself more tomorrow, because of today's decisions. So that if I lay low and be lazy today, I will not beat myself up tomorrow, so that I respect my feelings without being bound by them.This is another entry that feels like it will be hard to read for anyone else than me but what can one do. 😆 Thank you guys for the suggestions and information, they've been helpful. 

I'd keep writing a diary of some sort. I think you have a decent support team here that you can bounce ideas off of even if it's not gaming related. Most of the people on here are now struggling with similar emotions that you are struggling with and you can grow with them. Sometimes I'll randomly have intense struggles with gaming and just need to come here for help. You never know. 

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I might fill up the dates etc later. No sugar, no games still. But I feel like the hard part begins now, 50+ days in. Or I just need to reread my helpful books and get some motivation through them.

I haven't been feeling like doing anything. I had a headache for the first time in my life, yes really, and I'm pretty sure it was part of my sugar withdrawal symptoms. That's gone now, I'm past that stage. I am doing well with my diet, my weight is dropping steadily. This satisfies me. 

But other things don't. I know I'm not happy with my everyday life, but I'm not sure what things I should do to be happy and fulfilled. I went back mentally to the last time I was happy, before I numbed my brain with games, and my life was full of socializing back then. I have tried meeting up with friends before, but I found it boring. But maybe back then, talking two years ago, the gaming influence just wouldn't let me see things clearly.

I am emotional about my situation. I obviously have a lot of feelings. ( https://tenor.com/view/how-imet-your-mother-himym-feelings-crying-cant-contain-gif-4473793 ) I am starting to contact old friends and trying to go out with them. I hope that I can find myself, my true self, through this process. I am never going back to games, hard or easy, this should do it, right? 

I have been living the majority of my adult life in self induced isolation and only socialized online, but I really don't like staying glued to my computer all these hours, I really don't. I don't feel like I need people and this makes me so confused, but at the same time if I don't like being alone, then that means I'd prefer company, no? I don't know how to read myself, what my needs are, so that I can satisfy them and feel better. It's not that I feel bad right now, these days, just unmotivated to do my two things, work and art. I have been spending a lot of time consuming content. I know that there isn't much need for me to work, there aren't urgent bills for me to pay so to speak, and that doesn't help my complacency the last week or so.

I am still considering when to start the gym, or whether to skip that cost and do the couch to 2k program once the weather allows using municipal facilities etc. I don't know if lonely drawing is good for me, and in that I also don't see the point. At least with fitness I'm motivated by my vanity and desire for health. At the same time, I don't want to give it up. I don't want to be the person who picks this hobby up a third time only to give up on it AGAIN. I don't know. This is just a period for me to think on these things, try to be open with myself and listen to myself. Yet I need to repractice discipline in work.

On the other hand, I have taken on a lot of challenges at this time. Not only have I given up on my biggest crutch which was gaming, but also all processed sugar. I also have been trying to eliminate fats and dairy and meats and fish from my diet for better health, replacing them with vegetables and starches ( all the while losing weight ) and I have been eating one fruit per day ever since. And even though I'm satisfied with myself for these achievements, I choose to focus on what I didn't do. And when I started writing this journal entry I already had the inkling of an idea that I'm just being pessimistic but.. I think it's true. I am doing quite well in the healthy eating part of my life, being hella disciplined in it. Maybe that has something to do with wanting to let loose in work and other things. It would make sense. 

So maybe I just need to recognize I saw myself through this very demanding lens, not paying proper attention to my achievements and making myself feel bad as a result, only focusing on having been lazy with work etc. And how do I fix that? I recognize the good and the bad and tomorrow morning I take action to , even if I don't feel like it, do work. Then do some more work, like I would do if I worked for a boss. I have to practice discipline. I have to act differently to feel differently , but I don't need to feel bad for the past, lazy week.

@Silverlining I have the impression that you understand me very well, any comment or advice is more than welcome.

 

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2 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

I choose to focus on what I didn't do. And when I started writing this journal entry I already had the inkling of an idea that I'm just being pessimistic but.. I think it's true.

It's very hard to say, but it's okay to sometimes have doubts and to feel not okay. I am happy that you keep up with the discipline despite all of the hardships you are facing.

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First of all, you MUST try to acknowledge and celebrate your achievements. It's not the icing on the cake, but something essential to a happy life. You have come a long way. Seriously, quitting games and sugar at the same time? Few people can do that. You are killing it! You have worked so hard to improve your life, and you have really turned things around. Reward yourself, draw some smiley faces 😄, do a little victory dance!

In my opinion, exercise is probably still the easiest thing to do to make you happier. And healthier, obviously. And you don't have to go to the gym. There is a gym in my building so it's very convenient to me. But if the idea of going to the gym feels like a big deal to you, then it might not be the best place to start with. I understand that winter can be tough. But there are plenty of exercises that you can get at home. Search for yoga, pilates, aerobics or HIIT on Youtube. One of my favorites is FigureRobics with Jung Da Yeon. You can start and stop any time you like. Exercise increase dopamine, endorphins and serotonin levels which are all chemicals that make you happier.

Also I would say that enjoying solitude and wanting to go out don't have to be contradictory. You spend so much time at home working with a computer, it's natural that you might want to get out of the house or at least stay away from your computer from time to time, even if you don't really want to socialize. Maybe sometimes you would enjoy sitting in a quiet cafe and drinking a coffee alone. Just try different things, follow your heart.

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Quick update, no sugar, no games. On Monday I forced myself to start working and it resulted in feeling better, significantly so. Today, Tuesday, I did the same and I feel well, neutral if not positive. I'm aware this process will take a while, finding myself and being consistent in so many things, but I don't give up, ever. I'm not doing anything artsy these days, I don't feel like it and since I put effort to work, I don't push myself to art too. It's okay, I'm still not gaming nor wanting to game. I'll find the way, sooner or later, as long as I don't go back to gaming. And I won't go back to gaming. I'll be happy with my everyday life again, probably when half my awake hours are spent outside the house, doing active things. I think that's my problem right now, too much of my same environment and no sensory stimulation to offer any novelty. But it won't be more than a few weeks until it's no longer freezing outside, and I'll start walking and running. I am still unsure about swapping to a laptop, and I won't make that change unless I try the exercise first to get me out of the house. 

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6 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Quick update, no sugar, no games. On Monday I forced myself to start working and it resulted in feeling better, significantly so. Today, Tuesday, I did the same and I feel well, neutral if not positive. I'm aware this process will take a while, finding myself and being consistent in so many things, but I don't give up, ever. I'm not doing anything artsy these days, I don't feel like it and since I put effort to work, I don't push myself to art too. It's okay, I'm still not gaming nor wanting to game. I'll find the way, sooner or later, as long as I don't go back to gaming. And I won't go back to gaming. I'll be happy with my everyday life again, probably when half my awake hours are spent outside the house, doing active things. I think that's my problem right now, too much of my same environment and no sensory stimulation to offer any novelty. But it won't be more than a few weeks until it's no longer freezing outside, and I'll start walking and running. I am still unsure about swapping to a laptop, and I won't make that change unless I try the exercise first to get me out of the house. 

Is there something you can do inside your house during the freezing temps to help yourself once the weather is better? Yoga, new healthy recipes, singing, etc? That's not drawing or arty? There's crocheting, puzzles, tv shows,  a part time job outside of work, home workouts? Trying to suggest ideas to get a balanced winter life. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Is there something you can do inside your house during the freezing temps to help yourself once the weather is better?

I don't really enjoy staying indoors is the thing. I cook and stuff, I watch series, but ideally I'd prefer to go out. Imagine if you were indoors for days, looking at the same four walls. No bueno right? xD

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4 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

I don't really enjoy staying indoors is the thing. I cook and stuff, I watch series, but ideally I'd prefer to go out. Imagine if you were indoors for days, looking at the same four walls. No bueno right? xD

Cabin fever. 

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Day 2 sugar free, day 57 of no games. As I like to do, I've observed myself the past week and I noticed a few things.

Something I didn't mention is that seven days ago, the Sunday I wrote the post before my previous one, I went out of the house on my own. I went and did a little shopping and a tiny walk. After that, I stayed indoors till Wednesday, which is when I went out with loved ones. I am quite positive that if I hadn't left the house on Sunday, I'd not have done my work as I did the following days, I'd not have had the same mood. I look back at my teenage years and I remember that when Saturdays came and for one reason or the other my friends couldn't hang out, I would be really irritated that I didn't get to go out. From all these, my current conclusion is I'm a person who needs sensory novelty to keep my sanity, walks outside, and a few other things I'll cover next.

In my efforts to reconnect with old friends, I got in touch with three people, only one of them in my town sadly. I knew that my behavior towards them was different than in the past. This one person from my town that I spoke to these days, is the same person I thought was boring last time I was trying to go out and be social. What changed? I did, it's obvious to me that I am the one who was not wanting to open that door to people back then, I wasn't in the right state of mind yet. Now I observed that I was more friendly and chill with the person. 

I also managed to find a friend of mine on Facebook, a friend I haven't spoken to in 11 years, since high school. I found the person, unsure if it's who I'm looking for, but it turned out to be them. We spoke like not one day has passed, they even explained to me they, at that teenage age, had distanced themselves from me for a reason, and apologized to me for that. It was surprisingly honest and it only strengthened my respect and liking for the person. I was so happy that day when my friend and I spoke, and we arranged to meet up when they return to the hometown. 

Now what does this experience tell me? It tells me that I do need friends, I do need human contact in the real world, and that it makes me happy when it's good. And although I felt awkward initiating some messaging, it went away. I used to be a very popular person with numerous acquaintances, and I used to have pretty meaningful relationships with some of them.

I might not be fit to spend more time alone drawing, not right now at least. I don't push it, when I see myself interested in other things in my free time. I research health and diet information, or beauty products, or DIYs on how to fix some imperfections. I am a pretty vain person, as in I care about how I look and if I can find ways to harmlessly fix some imperfections or prevent more from appearing, I will. 

I am in the process of fixing my relationship with food, as I've been trying to for months now. With new information that I've learned about what starvation mode really is, I'm less concerned about meeting minimum calories when I already feel full with my meal. I am not where I want to be mentally yet, as I still cheat with unhealthy foods a couple times per week when they are available in our pantry, but I'm learning lessons from my mistakes. Still, the weight is dropping gradually and I see my face is slimmer than how it was in older photos, I'm happy about it and looking forward to seeing the fat burn off my body. I won't stop trying until I get where I want to be.

I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?

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Just read your whole journal, and I love how real your struggles feel in here, I'm personally having a lot of trouble finding the motivation to fill my days with anything beyond sleep and work, which probably isn't helped by my health thingmabobbers, but maybe I can do it, maybe life does suck sometimes, but it's pretty awesome overall so.

Keep going, never stop and say 'I'm good enough' always work and wish for more for better.

Climbing in life is like a spring on an angle (I'll explain I know it sounds weird) If you start at the bottom and walk around the spring to get to the top, you'll find that you have fast gains, then drops, and a slow but continuous path ahead.

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15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Day 2 sugar free, day 57 of no games. As I like to do, I've observed myself the past week and I noticed a few things.

Something I didn't mention is that seven days ago, the Sunday I wrote the post before my previous one, I went out of the house on my own. I went and did a little shopping and a tiny walk. After that, I stayed indoors till Wednesday, which is when I went out with loved ones. I am quite positive that if I hadn't left the house on Sunday, I'd not have done my work as I did the following days, I'd not have had the same mood. I look back at my teenage years and I remember that when Saturdays came and for one reason or the other my friends couldn't hang out, I would be really irritated that I didn't get to go out. From all these, my current conclusion is I'm a person who needs sensory novelty to keep my sanity, walks outside, and a few other things I'll cover next.

In my efforts to reconnect with old friends, I got in touch with three people, only one of them in my town sadly. I knew that my behavior towards them was different than in the past. This one person from my town that I spoke to these days, is the same person I thought was boring last time I was trying to go out and be social. What changed? I did, it's obvious to me that I am the one who was not wanting to open that door to people back then, I wasn't in the right state of mind yet. Now I observed that I was more friendly and chill with the person. 

I also managed to find a friend of mine on Facebook, a friend I haven't spoken to in 11 years, since high school. I found the person, unsure if it's who I'm looking for, but it turned out to be them. We spoke like not one day has passed, they even explained to me they, at that teenage age, had distanced themselves from me for a reason, and apologized to me for that. It was surprisingly honest and it only strengthened my respect and liking for the person. I was so happy that day when my friend and I spoke, and we arranged to meet up when they return to the hometown. 

Now what does this experience tell me? It tells me that I do need friends, I do need human contact in the real world, and that it makes me happy when it's good. And although I felt awkward initiating some messaging, it went away. I used to be a very popular person with numerous acquaintances, and I used to have pretty meaningful relationships with some of them.

I might not be fit to spend more time alone drawing, not right now at least. I don't push it, when I see myself interested in other things in my free time. I research health and diet information, or beauty products, or DIYs on how to fix some imperfections. I am a pretty vain person, as in I care about how I look and if I can find ways to harmlessly fix some imperfections or prevent more from appearing, I will. 

I am in the process of fixing my relationship with food, as I've been trying to for months now. With new information that I've learned about what starvation mode really is, I'm less concerned about meeting minimum calories when I already feel full with my meal. I am not where I want to be mentally yet, as I still cheat with unhealthy foods a couple times per week when they are available in our pantry, but I'm learning lessons from my mistakes. Still, the weight is dropping gradually and I see my face is slimmer than how it was in older photos, I'm happy about it and looking forward to seeing the fat burn off my body. I won't stop trying until I get where I want to be.

I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?

I wonder if finding a meal plan and fitness coach, whether it's an online program or in person, would be beneficial for you.  I didn't start losing weight until I had that connection with a trainer in 2013 and I kept asking why I wasn't losing weight and we talked about the food etc.  I used to be addicted to sugar all the time and need chocolate and donuts.  I then realized I could taper them.  Now I barely eat them so if I get a craving for junk food I can eat it no problem and don't gain the weight back.  It's different for everyone, but I'm just sharing my experience.  Also, going to the gym and having a plan in mind helped me eat properly because I got angry for wasting my time by eating poorly and getting shit results.  I lost 50 lbs that way and I feel fine now.  

I'm glad you're reaching out to see friends.  Being lonely sucks and can make you shut in more.  It's nice to just feel comfortable and appreciated by others.  It helps you be more confident and feel like you don't need to change everything about yourself all at once.

I don't think you should feel guilty about not doing art in your free time, but I do think as adults we are programmed to work towards a greater goal in life so we feel like we are living with purpose and intention.  If we don't have this then we feel like we're free falling and get anxiety.  I'm not sure if you wanted to try finding another job outside of art to socialize with others, get out of the house, earn more income, and get some confidence dealing with any social anxiety, but I think that would be beneficial and help you strive towards getting that dream job.

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