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fawn_xoxo

Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

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The start
I have been gaming for the last ten years of my life, more or less. I've quit and I've gone back at least once every year and my mental and physical health, relationships with loved ones, professional life all have taken a hit because of this. Before I start the everyday summary and review of each day, I'll take the time to write down all my thoughts, all my notes, all my goals and desires I have for myself, a text that I can go back to when I need a reminder of why I am doing this and what I should do if I feel lost. A way to keep myself in check and not lose track. 

Aside from low self-esteem and respect from all the times I've seen myself get hooked, then try to leave, then go back to a lot of times do worse, gaming habits have also given me weight, from staying up, eating at night, not sleeping well, not eating right. So I'll start the goals list with losing this weight and getting fitter. I would like to go back down to an average weight, build up my stamina and look slimmer and younger. An overweight body makes me look older and I don't want that. What I really want is to look at least as young as I am, to look healthy as well. To be healthy. This goal has subgoals; drink the right amount of water, consume the right amount of calories, do the couch-to-2k program, to start with. I have my fitness pal to help me with the first two, and I have the app for the third. So, I have the tools to start doing this one.

What made me go back to games the previous times was that I was not ready, was not decisive enough to try and replace games with other activities. I knew I should do it, but I didn't put in the effort. I binge-watched series, movies, YouTube and Twitch, basically numbing myself/killing time. I did not cover any of the needs games covered for me, and for me I think all the four things Cameron has stated apply. More specifically, I feel a sense of belonging in the community, I feel admired and praised for my skill, I have people that I share this interest with and that I talk with about said interest, I have the drive to always do more and get better in it. But I know that I can find these things in other activities, have the variety I so desperately need in life by having multiple hobbies instead of just one, and feel less trapped in it as a result.

One of the things I have started and put on pause many times is art: 2d art, 3d art, I do it all and although I do it in patches of time instead of consistently, I know of daily and weekly challenges, of ways to keep myself interested and in the flow regarding a skill that I would like to be good at. I would like to be good enough in art so that people commission me to draw their characters for them, I would like to be good enough in art so that I can proudly share my sketches with people online, have an audience that likes what I create. So that's one more goal and these are ways to go about it.

Beyond art, I could get back into reading. I used to read a book every night before I fell asleep with it as a teenager. Those were fiction books, novels, and in previous attempts at changing my gaming habits I've bought a few books to read from self-development to fiction, but I've only gotten far enough with one and even that one I haven't finished. I am not sure where I'd like this habit to be, but it makes sense that maybe after I am done with my gaming in the evening, I pick up whichever book I want and relax with it in my hands as I lie down in bed.This is a resting activity, according to Cameron.I am also thinking of combining books in audio format with the fitness goals, not necessarily couch-to-2k because to do that you have to keep the app on your phone and listen to the digital coach, not some audio book, but I could listen to an audio-book if I do other fitness, I guess. Or I could listen to an audio-book when I lie down in bed, so I don't have to worry about having a light on in the room, or falling asleep on the book.

As I stated in my raw introduction post, I do not intend to never play again, nor have I put a goal of abstinence from games. My goal is to only game four hours a day maximum, keep an eye on my mood before, during and after it, keep an eye on whether it's affecting my thoughts, my decisions and my emotions outside of those four hours and if needed, re-evaluate it with time. I will be monitoring those feelings to keep myself in check and see if it is working for me.

I do not know whether this has anything to do with gaming, but I have the gut feeling it is related with my lifestyle (which is heavily affected by playing games all day and night, so here goes): My posture is bad and my words come too fast out of my mouth, which ends up making me have to repeat myself to people a lot of times. It's two things I want to correct about myself, posture and speaking clearer and slower, so I'm just writing these down here as well to not lose sight of them.

Here, this journal in and of itself is a goal for me. To write this is to maintain a habit consistently everyday, so this is included too. I'll be keeping track of it too.

Without giving details, I'd like to work more hours being focused, include more variety in it and more creativity in it. This is another goal.

Sleep. This is one of the things that have suffered the most through the years and is the reason why my days are so sluggish all the time. I will soon write my first journal entry, but the goal is to sleep right, not less, not more than necessary. 

Ideas for hobbies: Song writing, music composing (I would love to know how, I don't know where to start just yet), guitar playing, fiction writing.

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Day 1, Saturday November 3rd 2018

I spent a big chunk of the day feeling bad, crying, processing my feelings and researching. I read/watched a lot of material on this whole thing and thought about what options I have and what I want to do.

Tracking
Calories: Did well up to lunch, then had 6 slices of pizza for dinner. 
Water: Didn't track it
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 3 minutes
Posture and speech: No progress

Sleep quality: I went to bed at 12:15 but kept chatting with a friend about games till 1 am, when I slept. On Sunday I woke up at 8 am, then slept again till 10:30 am. Stayed in bed for 1.5 hour before getting up.

Not sure if it is a good idea to do this the next day, will see how it goes.

Monitoring how I felt about gaming: When I got online to game, at first I felt anxious and hyped, stressed and panicked sort of, all at the same time. I think what was going on inside my mind was, am I doing the right thing? Should I even be here, or is this a step backward? And I stayed with those feelings and maybe after thirty minutes they slowly dissipated. The reason I felt that way, I think, is because getting online equals one more thing to be accountable for and I realized that when I logged in I wasn't actually feeling like gaming, cause I was primarily stressed about it being this big evil in my life, right? But because I want to replace those feelings (cause every other time I've tried it I went cold turkey, I could never do moderation) and I want to see it as just another activity, I stayed and I played, then when the time came for me to log off I logged off and went to bed. I actually wrote down my feelings on paper at the time, or I would not be able to remember them now as well as I do.

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Good job today.  Try not to take on too much at once.  I noticed as gamers we are very efficient minded people who try to do all kinds of tasks at once.  It's overwhelming and difficult to maintain this.

A few suggestions I had aside from taking on too much is to try and not game during the day.  Your mind will need to have a break from gaming to heal itself.  You can remove a lot of fogginess and irritability from not gaming.  The first couple of days are the hardest because you'll crave dopamine rushes.  It's important to not binge watch shows, youtube, twitch, talk about gaming, or play games during this phase.  Just know that it's ok to be bored sometimes.  It's ok to sit there and relax at night.  This is the time to clear your mind, do yoga, meditate, read, or focus on drawing, etc.

I also wanted to suggest not snoozing.  If you wake up in the morning, get out of bed immediately and start your day.  I noticed that if I snooze during the mornings it gives me a grogginess effect of heavy head and lethargic thinking.  It made me feel depressed when I wasn't, but that made me get depressed.  It's confusing, but that happens.  This also helps get a good routine where you can get control in your life to exercise more, work on hobbies, meet people, and find yourself.

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Day 2, Sunday November 4th 2018

Thoughts
By limiting the time I game to specific hours in the evening (which in my mind registers as "after you've done all the actually important things") I notice myself being more present in the situations of my life, like being more engaged in conversations because frankly I am not multitasking 24/7. By having those 4 hours of gaming at the end of the day, I also noticed the escapism part very strongly, because when that time approached I was feeling eager for it. Eager for what? For checking out, for not being present, for avoiding responsibilities. I am so used to this detaching from everything and everyone around me and just being in this mode of caring only for this one thing. And I think escapism is rooted in the fear of not being good enough to be able to tackle whatever little or much life has to throw at you. Note to self: Boost self-esteem.

In the past when I tried gaming in moderation I would spend my whole day in this state of eagerness and impatience for the evening to arrive so I could game, and I know that that set me up for failure. I read on reddit something very useful, about whether someone can enjoy playing games or whether they are hooked on it: if you stop thinking about the game when you shut it down, it does not affect your life beyond what watching a series or a movie does. And this is what I did wrong the previous times, I might have limited the time I played before but I had not turned the thoughts about games off, I was mentally still there through out the day and I was also lingering in that state of self pity and depression about it. How do I avoid this? Doing things and engaging mentally with them.

I found anatomy references and picked up my pen to draw. I had been thinking about it for hours but delayed the actual decision, I read this as avoiding getting out of my comfort zone. This is the same thing that is, for now, holding me back from doing the few things I need to do in order to start getting fitter. These are small things, small preparations and it's lame that I'm used to doing nothing at all, and unhealthy, but I will make it.

I still have not gotten to the part of planning my day beforehand, I should do this. I will do this today (Monday).

Writing the journal is helping me the same way having a counselor helped me, there is someone, or multiple someones, or the idea of someone that I have to be accountable towards. Also, writing works for me. When I write things down I have to pause, think about what I am writing, process things in order to choose the words to use and that makes my thoughts tidier as well. My thinking is too fast, too chaotic and I usually think multiple things at the same time. When in a bad state I also think and feel multiple things at the same time and speaking them out might be frustrating, but writing them not so much.

Tracking
Calories: Did well up to lunch, then ordered a sandwich which I can't track but it was surely over the calories count. It would have been alright if I hadn't consumed like 3 cups of sodas.
Water: 1000 ml +
Fitness: None
Note to self: Don't drink sodas, at all. Drink water, save the calories for actual food. 

Work: None
Art practice: 1 hour of drawing from reference pictures
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 2 minutes
Posture and speech: Was conscious about both, spoke slower a few times, fixed my posture maybe one time

Sleep quality: I went to bed at 12:15 but kept chatting with a friend about games till 1.45 am, when I slept. On Monday I woke up at 9:55 am and got up within 20 minutes.

11 hours ago, Matt S said:

I also wanted to suggest not snoozing.  If you wake up in the morning, get out of bed immediately and start your day.  I noticed that if I snooze during the mornings it gives me a grogginess effect of heavy head and lethargic thinking.  It made me feel depressed when I wasn't, but that made me get depressed.  It's confusing, but that happens.  This also helps get a good routine where you can get control in your life to exercise more, work on hobbies, meet people, and find yourself.

I read this yesterday before I fell asleep and it gave me a boost to not stay in bed on my phone today. Thank you Matt.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Day 3, Monday November 5th 2018
Tracking
Calories: Did alright, not perfect
Water: 2000ml
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: 1.5 hour of drawing from reference pictures
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 15 minutes
Posture and speech: Was conscious about both, spoke slower most of the time

Sleep quality: I went to bed at 12:20 and stayed for an hour, then slept just fine till around 9:40am today.

I am having trouble remembering things it seems, so I'll do today's journal in this same post and edit for some things in the morning.


Day 4, Tuesday November 6th 2018
Thoughts
Feels good to be consistent about the 4 hours of gaming. Spent most of today with family and loved ones, didn't do much else beyond that, but I feel really good about the start of doing art again, and motivated about it. Feels like the process itself is, at least for the moment, carrying me with it in its flow. I feel good about myself and being in control.

Tracking
Calories: Didn't count
Water: 1000ml+
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 8 minutes
Posture and speech: Was conscious about it, fixed posture like 2 times, spoke slower most of the time while I had some long discussions with family.

Sleep quality: Went to bed at the right time BUT stayed up talking to friends for a couple of hours. Only got around 6 hours of sleep. Gotta be more disciplined.

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Day 5, Wednesday November 7th 2018
Thoughts
Tired, too much time spent outdoors cause of obligations.Still feel good to keep the schedule, though really need to sleep my eight hours or so.😅

Tracking
Calories: Didn't count
Water: 500ml +
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time: less than 4 hours
Posture and speech: I'm working on it consciously

Sleep quality: Went to bed at 12:20, slept immediately once I left my mobile phone aside at 1am. Woke up at 9:40am, feeling rested and not like yesterday, yaaaay. I used to sleep only six hours tops before, cause my brain was hyper stimulated and prioritized getting that dopamine over the rest two hours of sleep. I'm happy to sleep right again.

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Day 6, Thursday November 8th 2018
Thoughts
Spending a lot of time wasting time right now, thinking about doing things rather than doing them already, but I still did my art practice, changing subjects keeps it interesting. I am now starting to feel the addiction, how the hours might feel not long enough, how not getting the exact results I want from the hours doesn't satisfy me. These are all signs of an addiction and right now, this day, I feel like instead of just logging in to spend some time having fun, this is a drug I need the daily dosage of to feel okay. And this isn't okay. I need to work hard on filling my day with other things.

Tracking
Calories: Didn't count
Water: 1000ml +
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: 1 hour
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours
Posture and speech: I'm working on it consciously

Sleep quality: slept at 4am till 12pm cause of a health issue

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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One of the hardest things to do in life is to stop thinking and just do what you want.  I struggle with this sometimes along with billions of others.  It's something where we want to do something, think of it, think of why not to do it, and just agonize.  Anxiety looms over us like a shadow on an almost sunny day.  We just gotta stay strong and let ourselves know it is ok to try something.  What are your goals for speech and posture?  I'm currently doing that.  I also track my calories on myfitnesspal and read at night.  I've lost 15 lbs in the past 1.5 months as well.  What are your goals with weight if you don't mind me asking? If not, don't worry about it.

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1 hour ago, Matt S said:

What are your goals for speech and posture?  I'm currently doing that.  I also track my calories on myfitnesspal and read at night.  I've lost 15 lbs in the past 1.5 months as well.  What are your goals with weight if you don't mind me asking? If not, don't worry about it.

Regarding posture, I always end up leaning forward in my chair when I am at the computer, like I'm trying to get inside the monitor. I also stand with my shoulders down, not at my full height, not proud or confident. Regarding speech, I speak very fast and that ends up with me either eating some of the letters or stuttering. For these two the goal is to be mindful of it, be aware, be in the moment, so that I correct it. Regarding weight, I want to lose around 35lbs total to go back to the weight I was before I got addicted to the internet and games.

 

After reading this https://nosurf.org/2018/08/28/how-the-internet-changes-your-brain/ it's obvious to me that I'm not addicted just to games but also to the internet. When I can find an online friend to chat with, I use that as a way to escape from my responsibilities at the time. I've seen myself avoid the simplest of tasks, being only half present in them, by chatting with any online friend I can find, talks from shopping to eating with family, I try to avoid them all. The whole dopamine thing is obviously to blame, how my brain is by now used to the constant stimulation the internet provides and finds everything else impossible to stand. Right now I just feel bad at the realization and knowledge I probably need to tackle this primarily, and that games are a subgroup in this problem.

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Day 7, Friday November 9th 2018
Thoughts
I am realizing how I am more so addicted to the internet and always trying to escape my responsibilities through it, rather than gaming alone. Spent a lot of time speaking about this with family and loved ones today.

Tracking
Calories: More or less around my goal
Water: 1000ml +
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours
Posture and speech: I'm working on it consciously

Sleep quality: Went to bed at 12:30am and slept after an hour. Woke up at 10am but only got up at 12pm.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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You're doing great.  I am very proud of you for speaking with your family about it.  Recognize that this phase of the healing process is going to unfold many revelations for you.  You're going to start researching all of these things that can hinder your growth as a human in your eyes.  Losing weight takes a lot of time and commitment.  I have lost 15 lbs from eating 5 meals a day about 200-250 calories each.  Dieting is different for each person because our bodies react differently.  Recently, I've been enjoying these meals and the meal preparation has helped me play fewer video games and be more responsible with how I eat.

I'm also working on my posture.  I got a standing desk at work and have been doing yoga for a while.

Are you looking to quit gaming altogether?  I noticed you still play 4 hours a day and was wondering what your sights are set on.

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Oh I remember you said you'd like to keep it to 4 hours a day.  Do you enjoy this? I wonder if this will eventually change while you are growing.

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@Matt S 

In order to lose weight I need to consume around 1400 kcal per day. I usually mess things up after 8 pm when boredom kicks in and I'm like, oh let's eat this junk food or let's drink sodas, to make things more interesting. I am aware of that and I've noticed that when my life is physically active, or when I am with people, I don't go to food as a means of entertainment.

Regarding gaming, going cold turkey will just not work for me because mentally I'll be diving into deep waters. I've tried it before and I always relapsed even after 2-3 months, because everything was too different and I was too lost. Playing 4 hours I am noticing that slowly, because there's much you can do in 4 hours but not as much as in 12-16 hours, and because I am making an effort to do other things when I am not playing and I am not just waiting for the evening to come so I can play, my mind is shifting the focus away from it. What I ultimately want is to naturally only have 3-4 hours left in my day free from all the other activities and game then, if I feel like it.

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Day 8, Saturday November 10th 2018
Thoughts
Spent most of my day talking and doing other stuff, still haven't gotten to doing activities right but will try again. Was outside for a few hours and had a meal with family while at that too. If I was gaming like before, I'd have never accepted to go outside cause it'd have stolen hours away from that, so , gotta recognize that this is a good step at least.

Tracking
Calories: Went over the appropriate amount cause of snacking on sweets
Water: 1000ml
Fitness: None

Work: None
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 30 minutes
Posture and speech: Still trying as I have been so far

Sleep quality: Went to bed at 12:45 am and slept by 1:20 am. Woke up at around 10:30 am and got up at 11:15

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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2 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

@Matt S 

In order to lose weight I need to consume around 1400 kcal per day. I usually mess things up after 8 pm when boredom kicks in and I'm like, oh let's eat this junk food or let's drink sodas, to make things more interesting. I am aware of that and I've noticed that when my life is physically active, or when I am with people, I don't go to food as a means of entertainment.

Regarding gaming, going cold turkey will just not work for me because mentally I'll be diving into deep waters. I've tried it before and I always relapsed even after 2-3 months, because everything was too different and I was too lost. Playing 4 hours I am noticing that slowly, because there's much you can do in 4 hours but not as much as in 12-16 hours, and because I am making an effort to do other things when I am not playing and I am not just waiting for the evening to come so I can play, my mind is shifting the focus away from it. What I ultimately want is to naturally only have 3-4 hours left in my day free from all the other activities and game then, if I feel like it.

I tried both and felt that I failed in each for different reasons.  When I did the 1-2 hours of moderation I ended up crashing and going for like 6-12 hours some days.  If I did no gaming I felt better mentally, but failed because I thought I could go to moderate gaming.

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6 minutes ago, Matt S said:

If I did no gaming I felt better mentally

When I started this, the first evening I went into the game I felt anxious and nervous about even being online. That anxiety only lasted the first hour or so and then I just saw it as normal.

Right now I have realized gaming is only part of the problem. The internet as a whole, including social platforms and such, is my issue. I go to it, be it Discord or games, to escape from responsibility and boredom - but as I've read in articles I've found in r/NoSurf, this is just how it is since I've rewired my brain to only be stimulated by the internet novelty, be it chatting with friends or playing games.

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14 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

When I started this, the first evening I went into the game I felt anxious and nervous about even being online. That anxiety only lasted the first hour or so and then I just saw it as normal.

Right now I have realized gaming is only part of the problem. The internet as a whole, including social platforms and such, is my issue. I go to it, be it Discord or games, to escape from responsibility and boredom - but as I've read in articles I've found in r/NoSurf, this is just how it is since I've rewired my brain to only be stimulated by the internet novelty, be it chatting with friends or playing games.

This is how it started for me, but I just realized I was really pissed off at how I was living my life.  Most of my friends and people I knew just stayed home and played video games all day.  I have the desire to leave the house, socialize, meet people, try to find a woman to date, exercise, etc.  I got so angry that this wasn't happening and realized that nobody was forcing me to stay home.  I could just go out and do these things to find balance.  It has been nice.  I refuse to believe the internet is my issue because I do plenty of research, but I've never watched Twitch or visited Reddit before, so I don't really understand the addiction that others may have.  Not in a mean way, just that I don't understand since I haven't experienced it.  Similar to how non-gamers don't get how we can't stop playing video games.

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Day 9, Sunday November 11th 2018
No sugar day 1

Thoughts
Drawing felt really boring this time and I wasn't really in it mentally.

Tracking
Calories: More or less correct
Water: 1500ml
Fitness: None
Sugar: None

Work: None
Art practice: 1 hour
Reading: None

Game time: 4 hours and 25 minutes
Posture and speech: The speech thing is easier than posture

Sleep quality: 1 am - 10 am

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Day 10, Monday November 12th 2018
No sugar day 2

Thoughts
Yesterday was so tough re: sugar. I am so used to eating something sweet every day but I did it. I replaced it with salty snacks. My energy levels are not exactly stable, I wake up and feel like staying in bed wasting time on the internet, I get up and I am not exactly energetic. Is it cause my body is still recovering from months of surviving on 6 hours of sleep per day and at really bad hours? (Like 4 am to 10 am) I don't know but I am not energetic, I am sluggish.

Tracking
Calories: Correct - I still ate more than I needed to. I ate and felt full, then because there was still more food left for me to eat, I ate again later. I could have stopped, but mentally and taste-wise I wanted more.
Water:  2000 ml
Fitness: None
Sugar: None

Work: None
Art practice: 18 minutes
Reading: None

Game time: 3 hours 20 minutes
Posture and speech: The posture is hard to fix when sitting down on my chair but still trying

Sleep quality: 1:30 am to 9:30 am, not bad.

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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Day 11, Tuesday November 13th 2018
No sugar day 3

Thoughts
    I feel good about myself that I kept the no sugar thing and achieved the correct water intake as well. I have been doing everything else except going back to work though and I am slowly getting bored of all the other things, so I feel that I will go back to working soon. Maybe today? I do not know.
    I woke up at 9:30 am but stayed in bed for 2 hours chatting online. These are hours wasted, I am aware of it, but without pressing responsibilities outside of myself I'm not feeling like giving that up yet.
    Yesterday's gaming felt normal in a way that it hasn't for a long time, and by that I mean that because I have established a certain sleep schedule the past week, I was feeling sleepy at a certain time and left the computer around that time, I didn't push my bedtime by much because of gaming. Gaming didn't feel like a priority. I also logged in the game 1+ hour later than I do so far and I think I might keep this up.
    11 pm edit;  I feel great that I achieved the calories and water and sugar goals! 

Tracking
Calories: CORRECT AMOUNT, YAS!
Water:   MORE THAN 2000 ml YAS!
Fitness: None
Sugar: None

Work: 18 minutes
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time:
Posture and speech:

Sleep quality: 

Edited by fawn_xoxo

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15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Day 11, Tuesday November 13th 2018
No sugar day 3

Thoughts
    I feel good about myself that I kept the no sugar thing and achieved the correct water intake as well. I have been doing everything else except going back to work though and I am slowly getting bored of all the other things, so I feel that I will go back to working soon. Maybe today? I do not know.
    I woke up at 9:30 am but stayed in bed for 2 hours chatting online. These are hours wasted, I am aware of it, but without pressing responsibilities outside of myself I'm not feeling like giving that up yet.
    Yesterday's gaming felt normal in a way that it hasn't for a long time, and by that I mean that because I have established a certain sleep schedule the past week, I was feeling sleepy at a certain time and left the computer around that time, I didn't push my bedtime by much because of gaming. Gaming didn't feel like a priority. I also logged in the game 1+ hour later than I do so far and I think I might keep this up.
    11 pm edit;  I feel great that I achieved the calories and water and sugar goals! 

Tracking
Calories: CORRECT AMOUNT, YAS!
Water:   MORE THAN 2000 ml YAS!
Fitness: None
Sugar: None

Work: 18 minutes
Art practice: None
Reading: None

Game time:
Posture and speech:

Sleep quality: 

I seem to have missed the missing work part.  Is this a full time job or is this something in your hobbies that you are trying to work on?  Good job with the other achievements.  I found that when I cut excess sugar (I still get sugar from fruit and healthy carbs) that my mind felt better.  Same thing with fatty foods.  I feel better without them.  Water and healthy sleep patterns keep me moving forward and prevent depression I have also found.

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Day 12+13, Wednesday+Thursday November 14+15th 2018
No sugar day 4+5
Not much has changed, been mostly busy with RL and cba to write proper entries but still wanted to come and write something! 😅
Planning to be AFK for a few days for RL reasons, but will come back at it once I'm back with technology.

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Day 14-16,

Friday-Sunday November 16-18th 2018
No sugar day 6-8

I'm AFK and mostly away from tech these last days, but I'm feeling so anxious about my life right now. Making the actual changes necessary seems so hard at this moment, scary, and I feel a part of me is resisting it so much. Going through an almost paralyzing anxiety moment right now and it's not fun, but I also know that this is related to how my self esteem has suffered because of my addiction's impact on my life. When you don't believe in yourself you're stuck and everything seems impossible. 

It feels so vulnerable to write these here. It's so difficult to accept that I'm in this situation, am responsible for it and have to deal with it, set aside admit it to an audience. Right now I'm also worrying about worrying, and being stuck in this anxiety with cognitive distortions that make me feel like I'm the worst person ever. I thought I was doing well regarding this negative thinking thing but old obsessive thoughts crept up on me and it's hard to practice the techniques for that stress, I've done it twice in the past days and I might have to do it again I guess. Maybe I've been numbing myself instead of actually having made the progress I thought in this field. 

Also being away from tech makes it easier to say that I should cut down my internet time in example, work properly and game even less (3 hours, not 4) but I'm afraid I'm weak and thinking of how hard it will be and getting overwhelmed for my return to the desk so to speak.

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Hey, everyone here has wasted time on games. We could all have done better without game addiction. 

And it's OK to worry. People get worried all the time. It's how you handle these feelings that matters. 

By the way, making a decision to quit gaming permanently could help you to regain the strength to face the problems in real life. That's my personal opinion (although I think many people here would agree with me) and it's probably not easy at the beginning. But according to my personal experience, when I stayed AFK for a few days, I would spend more time on gaming once I returned. When I tried to play moderately, I would end up worse than ever because games were always there like a sanctuary for me when I had problems in real life that I didn't want to deal with. And people always have problems in real life to deal with -- that's the definition of real life 😂 When there is no place to run, people can do amazing things.

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Day 17-19,

Monday-Wednesday November 19-21th 2018
No sugar day 9-11

Came back today with a new decision. No more gaming for me, this is now going to be cold turkey. So, adding to the counters:

No gaming day 1

Spoke some more with my family and loved ones and also looked at my life more seriously and responsibly. I decided to establish specific work hours to keep to, even if my work does not require that, so that I can build discipline. I also decided to replace the rest of my hours with education on a few topics along with taking time to relax before bed, probably by reading and/or audiobooks. Will continue tracking like before from tomorrow onward. Gonna post a new template in the spoiler now.
Wanted to thank you for the nice response @Silverlining
 

Spoiler

Day 20, Tuesday November 22th 2018
No sugar day 12
No gaming day 2

Thoughts


Tracking
Calories: 
Water: 
Sugar: 

Work: 
Education: 
Reading: 

Posture and speech: 
Sleep quality: 

 

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