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Silverlining

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Day #10:

One of my favorite novelists passed away today. May he rest in peace. I admire him not only for his remarkable talents, but also for his diligence. It occurs to me that even if I am gifted in some way, I would never be able to find out if I kept living in games. 

Today I am starting to gain weight after a week of running. Apparently my body has adapted to running 40 min a day. Although it's normal, I still feel a little anxious and discouraged. It's not as easy as losing weight in my early 20s any more. Anyway, I added yoga and some strength training to the formula. 

I watched a promotional video for the latest update of a mobile game that I used to play (I have sold the account so I feel it's safe to watch the video). It's so funny that when I saw the characters that I used to love, what I really saw were incorrect structures of human bodies. Some players used to complain about the poor quality of some pics in this game but I never cared or understood. After learning drawing for only a few hours, I can see the problem. And now I have even less respect for the game producer.

At the end of one pomodoro session today, I felt that 20 min per session is a little bit short now. So I extended my work duration to 25 min.

Studying for exam: 45 min
Drawing: 50 min
Online Course: 20 min
Exercise: 55 min
Reading for fun: 30 min

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I didn't get rid of all my gaming accounts and characters.

There are this couple of characters that my hubby and I used to play in this mmorpg. It's the game where we met each other, and we are also "married" in that game.

It's logical that we sell these characters rather than delete them because they are worth over $2000 in total. But I just can't do it. I made a pros and cons list, and it turns out the pros of selling them are getting the cash and to be easier to stay away from that game. Very reasonable. And the cons are that I will feel sad, and it will also hurt my husband's feelings, which makes me guilty. He was not really playing that game any more. He only went online when I wanted him to accompany me in the game. But he still has strong feelings for his game character. Of course he is willing to sell it for my sake, but I feel that it's unfair to hurt his feelings because of my problem. Also there are too many memories of the time we spent together in the game, and I guess those memories really mean something to us. Anyway, they are purely emotional reasons.

The thought of getting rid of them bothers me so much that I feel I might as well keep them and just move on to my new life instead of spending time mourning on losing our game characters.

There is another one. It's the 1st mmorpg that I ever played, and I spent tons of time in it for about 3 years. But one day I just stopped playing it. The game is no longer fun for me. I keep the account because of all the memories that I had, and I don't think it's gonna harm me.

Am I making a big mistake?

I don't know.

I guess it's possible that this is the best for me. I have a binge eating problem. I used to eat a lot of snacks. My way to deal with it is not to stay away from snacks, but rather to buy a lot of them and store them at home. It may sound weird to you but doing this actually makes me feel secure(?) and eat less. Lack of "food storage" somehow has a pressure on me and it drives me to crave for sugar. I guess the human body has a similar mechanism. E.g. if you try to lose weight by starving yourself,  your body will replenish all the fat you lose whenever it can.

So, getting rid of the accounts can create too much stress for me, while keeping them can probably spare me the pain and make it easier for me to go on in my new life.

Does it really make sense? Or am I just looking for excuses?

Edited by Silverlining

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Well consdering how much you think over it, that means that it really worries you so i would say its better to sell them because it will be a permanent solution without any hope for backpedaling. Victory cannot be achieved without sacrifice after all. And you can spend those money for real life activities with your husband😉

But thats just my personal view and might be not fitting for you. Oh and keep doing the good job.

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2 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

Well consdering how much you think over it, that means that it really worries you so i would say its better to sell them because it will be a permanent solution without any hope for backpedaling. Victory cannot be achieved without sacrifice after all. And you can spend those money for real life activities with your husband😉

But thats just my personal view and might be not fitting for you. Oh and keep doing the good job.

Thank you! You are right. The fact that selling them bothers me so much is a problem in itself! It's so obvious! How did I miss it!

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6 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

Thank you! You are right. The fact that selling them bothers me so much is a problem in itself! It's so obvious! How did I miss it!

No big deal. Just look at it as for example your childhood clothes. Once you grow up you dont wear them because you dont need them and it would be strange to carry them on your entire life.

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Day #11:

Diversifying my workout routine seems to be working. My weight is losing again. For the first time in 3 months, my BMI went back to below 25, which means I'm no longer overweight. Although I wouldn't get too excited about it, because weight fluctuates. And there is still a long way to go, since I need to get rid of the 20 lbs that I gained over the past 15 months, according to my weight data in the Health app, during which time my eating disorder and my game addiction fed off each other. I had expectations that I would be able to change my job 15 months ago and I failed. It's easy for me to draw the conclusion from historical data that my addictions have a high correlation with my vulnerability and inability recovering from frustrations. Perhaps I'm not so bad at what I do after all.😆

We decided to sell our "precious" game characters. We got "divorced" in the game so there is no turning back. Apparently, we are not so sad as I thought we would be. Why would we need to stay married in a game when we are married in real life?

Now my husband wants to study something that I dabbled years ago, which could also be helpful to my career. I decided to give him an introductory lecture to give him a general idea so that it would be easier for him to start. But first I had to review a little bit. I made a ppt. It took me quite a while but I was so excited! I spent almost 2 hrs on this ppt after work and I did not feel tired at all. And I learned a lot from this because I need to summarize 5 books to get the knowledge structure. We will be learning together going forward. Now that's some quality time for us to spend together.

I totally enjoyed teaching my husband 🙂 And he said that I did a good job. Although there is a huge difference between teaching him and other people. Whenever I forgot something, I could just tell him: "Hey, I don't remember this one. But we'll get to it later." But I guess I can't do that if I am really teaching.😄

Studying for exam: 25 min
Drawing: 15 min
Online Course: 25 min
Exercise: 45 min
Learning together: 160 min (Including preparing the lecture: 110 min; giving a lecture: 50 min)

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9 hours ago, dirkj3 said:

Keep it up.

What are you studying exactly?@Silverlining

 

Mostly stuff directly related to my job. I never shared the contents here, on one hand I don't think it will interest everyone, and on the other hand I prefer to keep my information private at this point. Sorry about that.

I'm also learning other things. There is this course "Learning how to learn" on Coursera, which I just started yesterday. I think this is a course for everyone. I totally recommend it!

And drawing. I did some coloring with colored pencils last week and it made me wondering if I can "create" pictures like this, which drove me to drawing, starting with drawing human figures. I also recommend drawing to my fellow game quitters here, because I think one of the reasons that many of us are attracted to the games in the first place are the fact that we are attracted to arts. 

I'm learning many things at the same time, because I am still easily bored. I need to learn about new things constantly to stimulate me. So I may drop something and pick up new stuff along the way 😆

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Yesterday I came up with this metaphor and I think it totally makes sense.

I think learning with a purpose is like climbing up the hills, otherwise is more like running on the plain fields. It's more painful climbing up the hills, and there will be ups and downs. But if you follow the guidance (especially if you are in school), it's likely that you will go up quickly towards the top.

Running on the plain fields is more enjoyable. But you do not have a direction and there are just too many distractions. However, it's important that you keep running, so that you can build up the "muscles" for climbing once you find your hill. Although it's been a pain in the ass for me to stay focused at this time, I guess if I keep running I will be better at this.

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Day #13

Video chatted with my parents. Had a very unpleasant conversation with my father. Very upset. So I picked up a coloring page and accidentally finished it. It would look better if I followed the instruction. But I don't really care...

It should look like this:

IMG_5765.thumb.JPG.088c3141ba997f4fdb3e440977e49387.JPG

But it looks like this instead:

IMG_5778.thumb.JPG.3281f78bbe59fbc7f6f09c87c6e81108.JPG

Drawing and coloring: 100 min or more
Learning together: 50 min

 

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7 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Day #13

Video chatted with my parents. Had a very unpleasant conversation with my father. Very upset. So I picked up a coloring page and accidentally finished it. It would look better if I followed the instruction. But I don't really care...

It should look like this:

IMG_5765.thumb.JPG.088c3141ba997f4fdb3e440977e49387.JPG

But it looks like this instead:

IMG_5778.thumb.JPG.3281f78bbe59fbc7f6f09c87c6e81108.JPG

Drawing and coloring: 100 min or more
Learning together: 50 min

 

I don't think that there is a such a thing as "it should look like this" in the art. It's just about expressing yourself even though I am not a fan of the so-called "modern art".
What I mean. It looks very nice what you did.

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Haha I love this. Some people pick up the bottle when they get upset, you pick up a coloring book, respect 😄 I like how you keep detailed stats, I like to do that myself

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13 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

I don't think that there is a such a thing as "it should look like this" in the art. It's just about expressing yourself even though I am not a fan of the so-called "modern art".
What I mean. It looks very nice what you did.

Thank you 😄 I agree with you that art is about expressing oneself, but I guess I could have done a better job expressing my ideas if I gave it more thought before coloring. Anyway, I enjoyed coloring it, and it calmed me down. That's what matters.

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12 hours ago, JustTom said:

Haha I love this. Some people pick up the bottle when they get upset, you pick up a coloring book, respect 😄 I like how you keep detailed stats, I like to do that myself

Thank you 😆 I guess I really made some progress since I got sober! The old me would have run directly into games. 

I used to be crazy about improving my stats in games. So I'm keep track of my stats in real life now to motivate myself😁

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Day #14:

We went to a botanic garden today. Just beautiful! And I got a tiny succulent plant from the gift shop. Found a nice and inexpensive family-owned restaurant near the botanic garden. On the way I saw a Walgreens that decorated its parking lot entrance with a garden arch. We should definitely stop by next time.

Studying for exam: 25 min
Online Course: 40 min
Exercise: 50 min
Botanic Garden: 2.5 h
 

And here is my 2 week summary table:

Untitled.thumb.png.bc821e5030bb6feefe941e56d2647898.png

Made some progress. Should exercise more!

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Day #15:

I took on a new challenge today. I have been running for 2 weeks now, mainly on a elliptical or a treadmill. I would watch the mini TV on the running machines while running, and constantly change the channels to avoid boredom. Today I did not turn on the TV but rather listened to music with my eyes closed the whole time. On one hand I think this would help me focus on myself, so that running would have a meditation-like effect on me. On the other hand, I can relax my eyes (and I really should do that). So I kept running for 30 minutes without feeling bored, but wasn't able to keep it up to 40 min...


Studying for exam: 50 min
Online Course: 50 min
Exercise: 50 min
Reading for fun: 25 min
Learning together: 30 min

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3 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Day #15:

 I have been running for 2 weeks now, mainly on a elliptical or a treadmill. I would watch the mini TV on the running machines while running, and constantly change the channels to avoid boredom.

1

I don't know if its an option in your location but did you try outdoor running?

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6 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

I don't know if its an option in your location but did you try outdoor running?

Actually I have been thinking about it. The thing is, I run around 9 pm, and I don't feel safe with the darkness and all the traffic in my neighborhood. A few years ago, when I was living in an apartment building right on the side of a river, I enjoyed running along the river. It would be bright with all the lights and there would be no traffic. Perfectly safe. My BMI was slightly over 20 back then despite my game addiction!

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2 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Actually I have been thinking about it. The thing is, I run around 9 pm, and I don't feel safe with the darkness and all the traffic in my neighborhood. A few years ago, when I was living in an apartment building right on the side of a river, I enjoyed running along the river. It would be bright with all the lights and there would be no traffic. Perfectly safe. My BMI was slightly over 20 back then despite my game addiction!

Eh my BMI is 27. I know i am not in my top shape currently but that made me sad when i discovered it.

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5 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

Eh my BMI is 27. I know i am not in my top shape currently but that made me sad when i discovered it.

Don't be sad! Generally speaking, women are judged more often by our appearances than men. And I guess my self-worth depends highly on my weight, which is totally unhealthy. Don't let this happen to you 😑

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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:

Don't be sad! Generally speaking, women are judged more often by our appearances than men. And I guess my self-worth depends highly on my weight, which is totally unhealthy. Don't let this happen to you 😑

Naah my appearance is great most woman like me, even happens some men too( i am not into it but just lol) 🙂 But i just cant get it, that means i got like 10 kg overweight but usually i drop weight when i dont do workout or lift weights. In fact this is a second time i got weight gain after workout and ofcourse when i do sports i look better and feel better.The thing is that i made this discovery at my medical examination I had like 2 weeks ago and the doc wrote me that i am fit for work, really dunno what to think.

Edited by Niko_Buccellati

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9 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

Naah my appearance is great most woman like me, even happens some men too( i am not into it but just lol) 🙂 But i just cant get it, that means i got like 10 kg overweight but usually i drop weight when i dont do workout or lift weights. In fact this is a second time i got weight gain after workout and ofcourse when i do sports i look better and feel better.The thing is that i made this discovery at my medical examination I had like 2 weeks ago and the doc wrote me that i am fit for work, really dunno what to think.

Weight doesn't tell you much about one's body type anyway. If you have a habit of working out, it's likely that you have a low body fat percentage. When you gain weight after working out, you are building up muscles. And you probably have a high basal metabolic rate (which is negatively correlated to one's body fat percentage) so you can lose some weight when you stop working out.

The reason I care about my weight so much is that I know the 20 lbs that I gained over the past one year or two is mostly fat. It indicates my lack of self-control. 😑 I'm not really worried about how I look but rather disappointed at myself.

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