Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Day 98- so today was the last day down at my mum's . We just spent it getting stuff ready and then I had a phone meeting with my counsellor. I explained to him about everything, how I had told my mum about the way she treated me when I was younger even though I was hammered, about the reaction to my ex seeing someone and about the possible date. He said he was really impressed with the way I handled it and I was practically unique in terms of his clients. He said even though I was drunk it was a big step to have that conversation. 

I do feel that mentally this break is what I have needed, there have been frustrations but I have put them behind me and I'm moving forward.

The trip back was a bit of a mess it took me an hour longer than usual, so I got home quickly unpacked my stuff and then set off for my mates to watch the football, it was good to just relax and unwind.

Day 99 - struggled to sleep again, I guess it's because I'm back in my bed in the house and ironically I'm going to have to get used to it again. Also today was the big day, the date. I'm not going to lie I was pretty nervous but I pulled out all the stops, hit the gym, went to the sauna afterwards and then meditated. As a result when it came to meeting it felt pretty calm. So we met and yeah she seems like a really nice girl we were there in the pub chatting for about three hours about all sorts and there were areas where I definitely felt a connection.

About halfway through the date my ex's brother walked in and clocked me which felt awkward for a second, but hey I'm allowed to date. ( it turns out that her brother and mum were there, which is weird because it's not their local, sometimes it's interesting how irony works.

I didn't go in for a kiss at the end just a hug, not that i didnt want to, but I said I had a really nice time and that I would like to meet again, she agreed and said make it sooner rather than later but we didn't set a date. Just got to wait to here and hope we can get a second booked in.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so happy that your date went well!  I love how you practiced your good habits before hand to be the best version of yourself.  In my relationship my philosophy is that my wife is awesome so I need to make sure every day that I deserve her.  It's been working out really well and would recommend it for sure.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 100 - So today my poor self esteem took a huge rocket and hit me with it. 

The day started out well I went into town and had a look for some new football boots, I couldn't find any so I looked online instead. I then went straight to the gym to do a workout, I actually weighed myself and it turns out I gained 0kg over Christmas, which is a good thing. 

The kick in the self esteem came on the back of last night's date. I completely flapped, worrying she wasn't interested in me because we hadn't set a second date. My self esteem totally hijacked me and I became a total wreck waiting for her to response and set a date, despite the fact she had messaged me first. So I panicked and messaged her saying did she want to meet tomorrow (Sunday) realising I had been massively over eager. She actually responded saying maybe but even then i felt like i had shot myself in the foot. Cue anxiety setting in, I was pissed off with this stupid act of self sabotage. 

It made me look at the people around me, she has been to all these places, had all these experiences that I have missed out on. My housemates are the same, they have travelled to all these places that I have never been able to go to and it made me feel worthless. But on the flip side I am a survivor, not just of a gaming addiction, but of all the horrendous things that have happened in my life, I have a tendancy to forget that sometimes. 

As a result the urge to escape to gaming was literally huge and I pretty much justified it in my head, however I didn't actually go on any games. 

What this has exposed is actually when it comes to it how low my self esteem is. There are some benefits to this as I never realised how bad it was, it will literally be the first thing I talk about when i see my counsellor next.

Day 101- again the pressure on my self esteem was horrific , I ended up going to my mate and his fiancee to just escape for a bit. I told them about this girl, my mates fiancee said I would appear to be far too eager but that it was a positive that we were still texting.

I was still texting the girl and she is still texting me back, she didn't mention meeting up today and I didn't broach the subject, but she was still flirty on her messages so hopefully I haven't done too much damage.

My mates said this was a positive sign and she probably needs time to size me up before committing and that I should really leave it in her hands to arrange when to meet next. 

I am lucky what they have said has really calmed me down, I can't believe how much of a nervous wreck I was. I really need to work on my self esteem.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I struggled with self esteem, I think we all do until we do something about it. Self esteem is about us liking ourselves, forget about what other people believe as a measure of self worth. I needed to learn in order to understand how self esteem works, so I read the book in my signature and started slowly making changes in my actions based on what I learned. I highly recommend it, if you practice what it explains you'll feel so much satisfaction gradually. 

On the subject of the date I think it's great that your woman also initiated contact, there are so many women who usually expect the man to do all the work. These are all good signs. With that said, as a woman who would also have the confidence to do that in someone I'm interested in, I would still appreciate a man more if I knew his time was limited and yet he chose to spend it with me. I don't like mind games in a relationship, but I can't deny they play a part when you're starting out and you don't have a lot of info about the other person. Ideally for be it would be great if people could just openly talk about what they want from one another, but most prefer the game at first. So I don't know where the balance is, how much you should play difficult or not, but taking turns and paying attention to how much attention you receive vs you offer is a good indicator to assess the situation. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Peregrinator said:

It made me look at the people around me, she has been to all these places, had all these experiences that I have missed out on. My housemates are the same, they have travelled to all these places that I have never been able to go to and it made me feel worthless. But on the flip side I am a survivor, not just of a gaming addiction, but of all the horrendous things that have happened in my life, I have a tendancy to forget that sometimes. 

I get that man, try not to be too hard on yourself. You've been through some things. Don't let your self-esteem be afflicted by what others are doing. They are not you, they do not have your personality or skills or flaws. They are different from you and therefor not something you are even able to compare yourself with 🙂 And that's perfectly fine! Just make sure you do you 🙂  I look forward to seeing where it goes ^^

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 102 - so my first day back in work, which in all honestly is probably a good thing. I have been determined to start the year off with the right routine so I got up for 5:30 and got into the office for 07:00. I did over my hours to catch up with emails and then got to the gym for 17:00

My god the gym was packed, all of a sudden us "old hands" were being swamped by the new guys. Part of me dislikes it because the machines can get crowded , although I respect peoples intentions to come to the gym and better themselves.

The girl messaged me today and we chatted only briefly( because we are now both back at work). But she suggested that we should grab a coffee tomorrow which I agreed to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 103 - still trying to get used to the early mornings, up again at 05:30  and into work early. As I agreed to meet this girl at 6  I wanted to leave a 3 to get to the gym and have time to get ready.

Work was good, I had a significantly important meeting with Fire and Rescue which should lead to some results which is good.

Getting to the gym early was good, it meant I missed the busy periods later on in the evening and I could complete my workout. I came out to a gorgeous sunset which was fantastic.

The girl messaged me and said she hadn't left work yet as it was so busy. I felt a small twinge of worry, my mind wondering if it was a wind up. But we got back on track met up for coffee and talked for hours about everything and anything, we even shared a kiss at the end of the night and agreed to eat together on Sunday.

Now I'm pretty certain she is interested, and that gives me a large amount of reassurance and confidence back now the uncertainty has gone. We get on really well and I love the irony that she is literally the opposite of my ex.

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 104 - Up again at 05:30, im not struggling at the moment to be up for this time and that is good, it means im getting in to work early. today was a day of interviews and roleplay. I was interviewing new candidates for some jobs that have come up and I was also acting in the roleplays. 

I think sometimes I forget too easily how fortunate I am to do my job. I was looking through the applications and the level of qualifications tat people have at it was ricidulous, there were people with doctorates and massive amounts of experience applying for a job that is below mine. people who really wanted to come and work for us.

I did one of the roleplays, the person who I was roleplaying against, reminded me of myself seven years ago, the sheer nerves were visible on his face, and it wasn't a confidence thing, you could see how badly he wanted this job. I could see myself from all those years ago, how badly I wanted, even needed my job, how my confidence was so low at the time. But now I was the one doing the interviews, I was the experienced one with all my knowledge and confidence built up over the years. The thing was my opinions and thoughts on the candidates were being listened to, the rest of the interviewers were taking interest in what I was saying and heeding my words, it was a surreal but great experience.

 

Sometimes you see yourself in others and only then do your realise how far you have come.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/7/2019 at 6:28 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

I struggled with self esteem, I think we all do until we do something about it. Self esteem is about us liking ourselves, forget about what other people believe as a measure of self worth. I needed to learn in order to understand how self esteem works, so I read the book in my signature and started slowly making changes in my actions based on what I learned. I highly recommend it, if you practice what it explains you'll feel so much satisfaction gradually. 

On the subject of the date I think it's great that your woman also initiated contact, there are so many women who usually expect the man to do all the work. These are all good signs. With that said, as a woman who would also have the confidence to do that in someone I'm interested in, I would still appreciate a man more if I knew his time was limited and yet he chose to spend it with me. I don't like mind games in a relationship, but I can't deny they play a part when you're starting out and you don't have a lot of info about the other person. Ideally for be it would be great if people could just openly talk about what they want from one another, but most prefer the game at first. So I don't know where the balance is, how much you should play difficult or not, but taking turns and paying attention to how much attention you receive vs you offer is a good indicator to assess the situation. 

Hahah so I read your repsonse but forgot the name of the book, but downloaded it anyway, I need to keep listening to it but I get the premise. I really like the idea of having those books in your sig and I think it really helps people on here, do you mind if I copy with my own books ?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/7/2019 at 6:03 PM, Phoenixking said:

I get that man, try not to be too hard on yourself. You've been through some things. Don't let your self-esteem be afflicted by what others are doing. They are not you, they do not have your personality or skills or flaws. They are different from you and therefor not something you are even able to compare yourself with 🙂 And that's perfectly fine! Just make sure you do you 🙂  I look forward to seeing where it goes ^^

Thanks Phoenix, your words have made me think alot about what you said and I have had some interesting thoughts about it, but I will save them for the next update.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 105 ( for reference I am about a day behind when I post these) so I was up at 05:30 again really hectic work day with a 140mile round trip in the middle of it. luckily everything went to plan and there were no misshaps, went straight from work to football to sign on for a new season, my weight is still dropping and thats good. my immediate aim is to drop my weight to sub 80kg.

I got in at 19:30 so not much time to do anything other than sleep, but I did have time to reflect on the way I was feeling before on my long drive round today about my past and who I am.

At the end of the day I am a survivor, I have been through some horrific things and not only did I survive, but I have made a life for myself and I can look to the future. I can say with 100% certainty that I can come back from most things no matter how bad it is. Statistically I should be dead, in prison or homeless but i'm none of those things. Yes I get nervous, yes my self esteem fails but I alwasy fight back. I have fought back against so much and my addiction to games has just been a part of that, although its been an important part.

I can stand where others would fail, I have an inherrent resilience that most poeple do not have, the ability to get beated down by life and to stand up again and again. Ultimatley nothing else is relevant as long as I keep fighting, and reflecting on this I find it strangely empowering.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry things have been hectic over the past few days so I have not had a decent chance to update this. 

Day 106 - not a huge amount happened that I can recall on this day to be honest. Up early at 05:30 and then a full day of work.

Day 107 -  first day of the weekend I was up by ten but out straight away to meet a mate for breakfast. I then went to the gym for a work out and then met another mate to go watch the football as he got free tickets again . I don't think I properly set foot in the house until 6 in the evening. 

Day 108 - So today was mostly chores, washing and ironing etc. The washing machine wasn't working so I had to get the landlord around to fix it which was frustrating but in the end it was sorted.

I met up with the girl for a third date, It seemed to go really well we had dinner and then went into town to play some crazy golf, I let her win (haha).

Day 109 - back into work and early starts, again not a huge amount happening. After work I went to the gym.and got hammered by my mate there who ended up doing an impromptu pt session which was good.

Day 110 -  today was a tough day, up at 05:00 to travel to Leeds for a training course at work and the journey is a nightmare from the new house. I had to get the train at 6:47 and then I didn't get back till gone 18:00 . So no gym tonight I just focused on eating and getting to bed. Although I did stay up to watch the result of the Brexit vote. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/12/2019 at 12:40 AM, Peregrinator said:

I can stand where others would fail, I have an inherrent resilience that most poeple do not have, the ability to get beated down by life and to stand up again and again. Ultimatley nothing else is relevant as long as I keep fighting, and reflecting on this I find it strangely empowering.

I can't express my joy and pride when I see you say this about yourself. Motherfucking badass. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×