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Day 77 - Not really sure what happened here ... dont think there was anything massive to report if i'm honest.

Day 78 - So today was the works xmas do, I got suited and booted and went out. It is a tradition for us to start early and its a tradition for me to have to go up and dance on the dancefloor on my own to a particualr song. This usually takes quite a few drinks to do and this time it wasn't an exeception. I actually really enjoy our Christmas works do its always fun to talk to people and have a laugh. I also crashed the fire service do that was on the floor below ours and caught up with a load of their guys which was really good. The problem is once you have consumed enough alcohol the time flies. I was out for a total of 16 hours, which is crazy. I also got really frustrated with myself because I had got dressed up but hadn't pulled any girls, I mean I never asked them in the first place so I don't know what my expectation was. But I just felt so inadequate and my self esteem felt shot, I know this was because I placed an unrealistic expectation on myself, but still it sucked.  I ended up walking an hour and a half home from town in frustration instead of getting a taxi.

Day79 - Every big night ahs its price, especially past the age of thirty, I didn't move out of bed till 17:00 and then only to get a McDonalds, I just stayed in bed and wacthed netflix as I nursed my hangover.

Day 80 - I went into town to do some christmas shopping, and honestly, it sucked. All I could see were happy couples walking aorund doing their shopping together or people buying preesents for their partners and again I felt so alone. I missed that companionship the feeling of being with someone and being together over xmas, I just felt seperate from the world ad like I was just a detached human being. If i'm honest i'm not looking forward to christmas, for me it was always two weeks to go back to my mums and play games solidly. Im not 100% sure what I am going to do, however that determination to see it through to day 90 is still there , i'm too close to quit now.

Day 81 Back in work for the final strech, found myself twiddling my thumbs slightly having done a lot of my work , So I just made a few phonecalls to people and tried to do some admin but it was a bit dull. Went to the gym after and despite the Friday and Sunday its seems I am still on course to lose another 05 kg this week, justneed to keep it off or lower it before Thursday.

Day 82 So another day in work , this time things did get busy ( be careful what you wish for and all that) In the afternoon I had a meeting at Fire and Rescue HQ and met up with a few of the guys I had bumped into on the works do. Alos got invited to a retirement party for tommorow. I would love to have gone but I don't have a huge amount of money left with the move and Christmas so reluctanlty had to decline. Went to the gym, I want to keep my exercise up till the last minute before christmas.

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Day 83 - Work is starting to wind down for  Christmas so not a huge amount is going on. My sleeping hasn't been great so I felt knackered after work. As a result I skipped the gym  and went home.

As an aside I have explored some online dating options just to try and ease myself back into the dating world  so I created a profile on POF and Bumble a few days ago. My god it's like the dating equivalent of world war 1. I must have messaged 100+ girls and got hardly anything back in response. The problem is every rejection chips away at my self esteem and gives justfcation to my negative thoughts. I feel so ugly and this is justified by my lack of success, it's horrible I just worry I'm going to die alone at this stage.

Because I feel so crap I feel the cravings to go on games coming back,  I haven't  acted on them but still, it means the two weeks at mum's over Christmas may be a tough one.

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Day 84 - Well work went crazy  all of a sudden , I have found myself rushing around trying to get a whole stack of measures in place for January in order that we can deal with Brexit so I have spent most of the day throwing things together.

I saw the councillor after work, told him I felt lonely that online dating was not working. He said it was understandable and my reaction was understandable but not necessarily true. He said he had tried online dating before and he had to refine refine refine  and that it was a game (haha).

He explained that it was a sideshow and that we needed to focus on what I was going to do next, I explained I had plans for the new year and I will share them on here , it's Important to see the online dating  stuation as a bit of a gimmck.

Oh and edited to add, today was my last weigh in of this season of football we lost 3-1 on the pitch but i lost 1.5 kg over the week, I'm no longer technically obese 😀

Edited by Peregrinator
To add weigh in
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Day 85 - last day of work for me,  it was still a busy one though getting ready for next year  and making sure everything is in order. Afterwards I felt knackered but still went to the gym , didn't do as much of a workout as I would have liked but still went. 

I was absolutely shattered when I got home so I just watched some TV and crawled into bed at about 2100, looking forward to some time off, just worried I will get bored and play games 

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Day 86 - So first day of holiday, I got the last parts of my washing sorted and I just managed to get my presents wrapped, which is a miracle in itself. Today provided one of those rare opportunities for me to go and watch my football (Soccer for the Americans) team and by that I mean the professional team that I support and not the one I play for, both teams having the same nickname means it gets a little confusing. As I live 200 miles away from where I was born and therefore my teams home ground.I don't often have a chance to watch them.

But today they were playing an away fixture near me. Me and my mate both went to watch them as it was good I realised I had missed this. I have been feeling lonely over the past few days and whilst that is not a surprise today really helped. I think it is that psychology of being in your crowd with your "tribe". It was no longer just me a solitary supporter but 1229 of us chanting and singing all the songs we know. It was spiritual to be surrounded by so many people with a common interest.

So we went to the pub before hand , and I have to mention this, for a pint before the game. The bar was busy but the barmaid just ignored me at the front of the queue and tried to serve someone else who started to shout his order over. Normally I would just shrink away but this time I said " excuse me I was here first" and the girl actually apologised and so did the guy, which was a surprise, we started talking about the football and how long it had taken to get there (not very long for either of us).

Anyway back to the football, I spent the whole 90 minutes shouting and singing so my voice is a little gone but it was good, and we sung a lot more than the home supporters. I always find sitting in the away end at football matches as the best place to sit in terms of atmosphere. 

Things on the pitch were actually pretty boring, there were a few good plays but both teams were cancelling each other out, until the 86 minute.  A threaded pass across the goal allows our striker to hit the ball home and we went 1-0 up and predictably nuts, the whistle blew for full time and we celebrated. 

Today didn't feel so lonely and that was good.

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Day 87 -So I drove down to mums for the Chirstmas period , the traffic was a bit heavy but I decided on the way back to go to one of my mums cousins to drop her off a present. I would probably never do that before I started this process. Id either talk myself out of it or I would simply just want to go and play on games instead. So I went round to see her and we had a good two hours just chatting about things and work and how she was doing, it was lovely and she really appriciated my card and present.

Once that was done I went to my mums and to be honest just crashed after the drive.

Day 88 - Christmas Eve , So i didnt have anything else to do for christmas so I just had a steady day, I went for a run. I haven't actually been for an outside run for a while but it was a nice (if cold) day to go. I did a decent 6.5 km run in a pretty good time which was good and for a change actually enjoyed going out and doing the run and it was a significantly better time then my last outside run, which was waay back in June.

Day 89 - Christmas Day - Soo yeah got some decent presents and we had a sit down meal, I put some things together and sorted out my mums laptop, I then went around my mate to see him and brought a bottle of rum with me.

I got absolutely leathered, it wasn't great and I cant really remember much, Mum picked me up and apparently I broke down crying talking about the way she treated me as a child, eeek not good. I cant remember anything but I'm pretty sure she feels pretty guilty and upset about it judging about how she reacted the next day, not the best way to spend christmas day. On top of that I was sick in the toilet.

Day 90 - Boxing day, woooo done it!! 90 days without games! so yeah I guess this is it, I have completed my challenge and its done and dusted. I didnt't celebrate in an over the top way, mainly because of the hangover. We did go out for a meal with some other friends and then I came home and just watched some TV and caught up with some christmas films. I caught up on the football fixtures and went to bed. But hey I have completed the challenge my 90 days are done I have acheived what I wanted to acheive and I am finished !!

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Day 91 - Just kidding, I have reached my 90 day goal but I do not feel like the challenge is over or that I have finished my journey. I think there were several complications ( including coming out of a relationship, moving house and Christmas)which means I have not utilised the full 90 days to my advantage. Don't get me wrong I feel better and more engaged with the world but I still don't feel that I have made the most of all the oppertunities presented to me. With the deep seated complications of my own history this doesn't feel like it is just a 90 day battle, but something that will take me longer and I can't think of a better place to continue that journey than from here.

Given that we are still (kind of) in the middle of the Christmas period it has been difficult to forward plan the next 90 days so I haven't attempted it, there are however some comments from the past 90 days that I wanted to bullet point here.

 

  • The highlight for me has to be the Dublin trip, going on a plane to another country on my own was a big thing for me and the journey itself was right, the only downside is hat it has made everyhting else seem a little weak in comparison.

 

  • Having made a specific effort to apply myself in work seems to be paying off, being less afraid to get my name out there and landing some great collaboration has been good, next year will be a significant challenge work wise and in this challenge I will need to prove myself.

 

  • Except from a few forrays into the online dating scene, I have not made much of a push in regards to trying to get into a relationship , Logically this is completely understandable given that I have needed time to process the end of my last relationship, emotionally I am struggling with this for some bizarre reason.

 

  • I have found that whislt I have stopped playing games, my phone has taken over as my chief procrastination device. I think many people on here have found this. I need to find a way to control this.

 

  • I have lost over a stone and a half in a three month period, granted I may put some on over the christmas period but the change is noticable, I want to continue this weight loss into the new year.

 

  • I definitely want to seek out some more experiences this year. The crochet ( haha) was a busted flush but it the end the photography is the likely way forward in terms of a hobby, I will need more and certainly something that is going to be constructive and somethign where I am learning.

 

I do need to look in earnest ats Cam's 90 day detox as the challenge frame for me moving forward.  I think I need that structure to really get the most out of this experience.

 

Anyway's merry christmas everyone, hope you had a fantastic time.

 

 

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Day 92 - and just as I think everything is going smoothly I get two big hits to mess things up for me. 

Today I checked my work emails for the first time  I applied for a job a few weeks back which is a permanent  job on the same paygrade that I am on . Well today i got the "unfortunatly you have not been successful on this occasion" email, to be honest I was absolutely livid. Reflecting back I spent three years bleeding myself so that when I got to this position I would at least get an interview, but to not even get to that stage was just infuriating. I had a rant, I swore and just wanted to hand in my resignation. I know this may seem over the top, but I have gone above and beyond what was required for this job, to not even get an interview is a slap in the face.

Thankfully I had a walk planned in for today , which was just as well as it was a really appropriate time to burn off some steam. I recognised my anger for what it was, an emotional response and let myself tire out that part of my mind.

I jumped in the car, whacked on a self help audiobook and drove down to the Malvern Hills. I was still angry by the time I got there, so I thought "I really must knacker myself out here, up the first hill I went up to the top of the highest hill and realised this place is called an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty for a reason. The views and weather were amazing. All the hills line up and after walking up each one I just wanted to keep going. My ankle twisted 5km in ( it's weak from an old injury) but I kept going and the pain subsided. 10km later and I was starting to flag at the top of one of the hills. Time to turn back and walk 10km to the car. At about the time I was getting close to the highest hill, the sun started to set. My god it was amazing, golden rays stretching out of the clouds illuminating fields and villages below. Miles of green countryside plastered in golden light.

I took a photo and no matter how beautiful it looks, the real thing was an awe inspiring spectacle, and I took a whole load more over the course of the day.

IMG_20181228_225758_764.thumb.jpg.f090cdedc625d2fbea8c27ed562698d7.jpg

Having sufficient time to myself I reflected on My job rejection. No matter how angry I was I could not change the situation. My application must have been weak, I needed feedback and to work on that feedback and find ways to get myself out there. 

By the time I got home my knees were shot and I needed a bath. Then the second blow of the day. I had a text from the ex saying that she was seeing someone else, three months after we called off the engagement. I always liked to wonder how I would react in this situation, I thanked her for being honest and then thought about it. It's difficult to say I wasn't upset, I think it is only natural to be, but I was almost more upset that I wasn't seeing someone first. Trying to get in a challenge like this is dangerous, I need to focus on winning my own race with myself. 

But all isn't quiet on the dating front, I said a few weeks ago.that in had started online dating and that it had been total carnage, any girls that I had tried to speak to had fallen by the wayside, except one. We had agreed to speaking the phone tonight and I was due to call her ten minutes after my ex text. So I rang her, we were on the phone for 2 and a half hours, talking about everything from holidays, to drinking to work. The conversation flowed well and at the very least she sounds attractive. She came across as bubbly  outgoing and straight talking, something that my ex wasn't and something I probably need in a relationship. The conversation was needed as well, it completely took my mind off my ex. I'm honestly not sure where this will go but it is something and it's a big step forward on my own journey, I have already said I would like to meet and she has agreed, when I get back from my mums. 

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I'm sorry you didn't get the interview you were seeking.  This reminds me of when I first started doing well in engineering school in 2013.  I had quit games and got my life back on track.  I was slowly becoming one of the top students in my class.  I got an interview at a job I thought I deserved and didn't get the job because they wanted someone who could potentially be a full time worker after the internship ended.  I was so angry.  I was a better engineer than the classmate who got the job, but they were a senior and I was a junior at the time.  I let that bother me for a bit, but then turned it into a chip on my shoulder.  I'd go and become a better engineer and make them wish they hired me.  4 years later I received a letter from them asking me to work for them and I let them know I was not interested.  They missed out on me.  Too fucking bad.  They were very interested due to my experience and ability.  Thought I'd be a great addition to the team.  Blow me.

I say this story not for you to carry around a briefcase of spite regarding that employer, but I say it to motivate you.  Maybe this is a chance for you to do well at a completely different job or role where you'll have a brighter future.  It's like the hot chick who turned you down, then you got in good physical shape and now she wants you.  Too bad.

I will say that in 1 year or so, the only thing you're going to remember is that beautiful photo you took and the journey you went on.  That photo is captivating to say the least.  Very inspirational.

Matt

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7 hours ago, Matt S said:

I'm sorry you didn't get the interview you were seeking.  This reminds me of when I first started doing well in engineering school in 2013.  I had quit games and got my life back on track.  I was slowly becoming one of the top students in my class.  I got an interview at a job I thought I deserved and didn't get the job because they wanted someone who could potentially be a full time worker after the internship ended.  I was so angry.  I was a better engineer than the classmate who got the job, but they were a senior and I was a junior at the time.  I let that bother me for a bit, but then turned it into a chip on my shoulder.  I'd go and become a better engineer and make them wish they hired me.  4 years later I received a letter from them asking me to work for them and I let them know I was not interested.  They missed out on me.  Too fucking bad.  They were very interested due to my experience and ability.  Thought I'd be a great addition to the team.  Blow me.

I say this story not for you to carry around a briefcase of spite regarding that employer, but I say it to motivate you.  Maybe this is a chance for you to do well at a completely different job or role where you'll have a brighter future.  It's like the hot chick who turned you down, then you got in good physical shape and now she wants you.  Too bad.

I will say that in 1 year or so, the only thing you're going to remember is that beautiful photo you took and the journey you went on.  That photo is captivating to say the least.  Very inspirational.

Matt

I think your 100% right there , getting angry isn't a constructive day to deal with this, your way is better. I need to focus on smashing it out of the park and developing my existing opportunities in my current role. The irony is that my current role has a higher profile and is more demanding than the job I applied for, but I need something permanent. I have at least three months to exploit every opportunity that I current have to push the ball forward.

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6 hours ago, Peregrinator said:

I think your 100% right there , getting angry isn't a constructive day to deal with this, your way is better. I need to focus on smashing it out of the park and developing my existing opportunities in my current role. The irony is that my current role has a higher profile and is more demanding than the job I applied for, but I need something permanent. I have at least three months to exploit every opportunity that I current have to push the ball forward.

Keep going and see what happens.  Opportunity is always around the corner in the world we live in today if we're willing to look and be creative about it.  You got this.

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

Keep going and see what happens.  Opportunity is always around the corner in the world we live in today if we're willing to look and be creative about it.  You got this.

Thanks man, it's good to hear your positive words of encouragement 

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Day 93 - had an absolutely huge blister on my foot this morning from yesterday's walk and my knees are killing me  but I guess that is the price I have to pay. I was hoping to go for a run but I can't so instead I made it a day of errands. 

I went to the barbers to get a nice haircut, admittedly the barbers I use when I'm down at mum's is a pretty decent place and they always give it a good cut , the only issue is that the wait to get a cut is a bit long. But hey I have time and it's worth it. 

I spoke to my mate who is the photographer and he said he would really be keen to go back up the Malverns with his camera, so we will be back up there the day after tomorrow. I'm really hoping my legs have healed by then. But I think it will be really good to do something with a mate for a change.

I spent the evening with my mum around an old friends, but I found myself distracted by messaging this girl, don't get me wrong I'm trying not to over do it, but in my head I am building her up as amazing. At the same time I don't want the news about my ex to have an impact and to force me to getting with someone just to get even, If things go well I don't want this to be a booty call, but at the same time I don't want to go full throttle into a relationship. I need to look at this logically and take it easy  I mean this girl is everything my ex wasn't and I mean that in a good way and she does seem keen to meet up. 

I looked back and untagged some of the photos I had taken with my ex on Facebook because it just doesn't look great . I came across one from earlier in the year, May to be precise and I just look horrific , there no other way around it, I'm horribly overweight and i just look like a greasy mess. If I was like that st the time, it's no surprise that my ex left, and at the time the games were just running my life. I can never afford to be that person again.

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Day 94 - didn't actually do a huge amount and I don't feel to bad about it , my nose was hellish and think I have developed an allergy to mum's cats. I still have a massive blister on my foot so running was out of the question.

I cracked open my laptop and did some drawings, at first it was some logos for a self development project I wasn't to start at work, the next were just drawing for the sake of drawing, and I was there hours and I mean hours. I will post it up here when it is done.

Couldn't sleep at all last night ended up listening to reading of the poem Invictus , it's a beautiful poem and sums up how I feel at the moment , the momentum and courage to fight through the difficulty and the despair.

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It's a good thing to look forward to meeting this girl, but don't build her up as amazing until she's proven to you that she's amazing. I also don't want you to look back at your old photos in disgust. Have some compassion for your old self and use that as motivation to look and feel better instead of resent and frustration. You have to accept all parts of yourself. Our emotions are like a pie filled with lots of meats and vegetables. Some are bitter, some are savory, some are sweet, some are bland, and some are spicy. Those are different emotions. Together they make you. When you can combine all of those into the right flavor combination then you'll crave yourself and love yourself more. People will also crave your attention as well. Sorry for the silly analogy, but I like it. 

Edited by Matt S
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12 hours ago, Matt S said:

It's a good thing to look forward to meeting this girl, but don't build her up as amazing until she's proven to you that she's amazing. I also don't want you to look back at your old photos in disgust. Have some compassion for your old self and use that as motivation to look and feel better instead of resent and frustration. You have to accept all parts of yourself. Our emotions are like a pie filled with lots of meats and vegetables. Some are bitter, some are savory, some are sweet, some are bland, and some are spicy. Those are different emotions. Together they make you. When you can combine all of those into the right flavor combination then you'll crave yourself and love yourself more. People will also crave your attention as well. Sorry for the silly analogy, but I like it. 

Your right Matt, don't want to build my hopes up too soon. I'm very much trying to keep level headed, this will either be the start of a new relationship or it won't be. What I don't want to do is rush into something on the rebound.

I like your pie analogy, it may honestly take me some time to get my head round it , as at the moment I see myself as distinctly seperate from the person in that old photo. But I see where you are coming from.

Happy New year 

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Day 95 - New year's eve. So I was up early-ish to go and pick my mate up and to go walking in the Malverns, he took his camera with him and we did a short walk up some of the first hills. The weather was a bit overcast so it wasn't as good as it was the other day, but we still got some good shots. 

We talked about cameras and the best way to take photos, lenses and using lightbox to edit pictures. We went through his pics and they were amazing. The big issue I have with smartphones is the inability to zoom in on what I want to take a photo of, without losing picture quality. 

We didn't stay up there too long, about three hours in total before coming back. The other good.news is the massive blister I got from my last 20km walk didnt burst either.

When I got home I went for a nap, I really struggled with sleep, I think it is the time of the year that it is, that we inherently look inwards on ourselves and as a result my brain has been overactive.

My plan for new years was simple, join mum and some of her friends down the pub, my expectations of new years celebrations are always low, so I just took the time to step back and just drink.

This new year feels different, I have what feels like a true sense of optimism, i was an absolute mill pond of calm, a practical picture of serenity. Maybe a new slate is what I needed, just needed to bury 2018 and move on. I feel quite relaxed and my emotional brain appears to be peacefully dozing away.

I fired my messages off, wished my friends a new year and crawled into bed for 3 in the morning.

 

Happy New Years everyone !

 

 

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Day 96 - So I didn't get to bed until 2am, but i was up at 8 went to breakfast at the same pub we went for new years and had a good breakfast, I then went home and napped until 2pm. As a result my routine was knackered, I spent the rest of the day reading, drawing and talking to this girl. We have still agreed to meet in a few days time and chatted on the phone for a good few hours.

I think when you start speaking to someone new after the end of a relationship it is impossible to not compare that person with your ex, and I know that when you start a new relationship your best face and sell yourself.

But seriously this girl smokes my ex in nearly every single category. She is more attractive, has more money, has a better car, a better social life, is more outgoing, has her own house and that makes it a bit daunting. At the end of the day I was dumped by a girl that didn't have half those things.Don't get me wrong I'm sure she has negative points, we all do, but I can't see what they are at the moment. 

My only course is to take the date as it comes, we will click or we won't , I will be whats she wants or I won't be. I'll play the Rogue One quote and take the next chance and the next. 

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10 hours ago, Peregrinator said:

Day 96 - So I didn't get to bed until 2am, but i was up at 8 went to breakfast at the same pub we went for new years and had a good breakfast, I then went home and napped until 2pm. As a result my routine was knackered, I spent the rest of the day reading, drawing and talking to this girl. We have still agreed to meet in a few days time and chatted on the phone for a good few hours.

I think when you start speaking to someone new after the end of a relationship it is impossible to not compare that person with your ex, and I know that when you start a new relationship your best face and sell yourself.

But seriously this girl smokes my ex in nearly every single category. She is more attractive, has more money, has a better car, a better social life, is more outgoing, has her own house and that makes it a bit daunting. At the end of the day I was dumped by a girl that didn't have half those things.Don't get me wrong I'm sure she has negative points, we all do, but I can't see what they are at the moment. 

My only course is to take the date as it comes, we will click or we won't , I will be whats she wants or I won't be. I'll play the Rogue One quote and take the next chance and the next. 

Seems like you've ticked a few boxes with this woman.  Good luck with her.  It's always wonderful meeting and talking to someone who you enjoy inside and out.  Don't put her on a pedestal because it might make her feel strange.  Just appreciate all the things you mentioned, but don't fawn over her with her knowing lol.  You got this.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Seems like you've ticked a few boxes with this woman.  Good luck with her.  It's always wonderful meeting and talking to someone who you enjoy inside and out.  Don't put her on a pedestal because it might make her feel strange.  Just appreciate all the things you mentioned, but don't fawn over her with her knowing lol.  You got this.

Your right I don't need to put her on a pedestal, at the end of the day she is messaging me so there must be at least something that she finds attractive in me.

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Day - 97 so I spent most of today with family going to meet up with a few of my mum's cousins and family. It was good. We went to drop off a cat climbing frame with one of them and went to her house. She has anxiety to the extent that she has to have anti psychotic injections and smokes an awful lot as a coping mechanism so the only downside is my chest was starting to hurt from the smoke ( I myself smoked since I was 17 but I quit three years ago and I vape instead). She is however a very intelligent woman and keeps my mum in her place.

We met up with the rest of the family and I met my eight year old cousin, who is a ridiculously clever child. He pulled out some horrible history top trumps cards and practically jumped at the chance to play with him. We had a round and then went back to my other cousins house. I was knackered But I knew I had to stay up and get my sleeping pattern back into order.

Me and mum went for a meal together i switched off my phone and we just chatted. It has been a challenge over the holidays but it feels like we may have made a breakthrough. She did some horrible things to me when I was younger, but like I said earlier she was a victim of her own circumstances. I think now her actions in the past have deeply upset her. Which is where I want things to be. 

She talks about my last relationship a lot and she is still visibly upset by it to the extent that if she saw my ex she would probably try to kick her head in. Part of me doesn't want this, I want to adapt and move on.

Having said that the conversations with my mum and with this new girl have a cast a new light on my previous relationship. Like I said before a lot of the things I find attractive in this new girl are not traits my ex possessed. I thought she did when we started dating but it turned out not to be true and in fact things were quite the opposite.

Looking back I'm not sure the relationship was right for me, or she was the right person for me. I enjoyed the time we spent together, but she hardly was in a position to help me facilitate my personal growth. She took more from me than what I gave to her. I ended up picking up her introverted traits and that just didn't help me at all. I don't want to come off a harsh, but I look at her now and it just all feels a bit pathetic, I just feel sorry for her. Whilst I thought that we had a good relationship, she just never communicated with me. Whilst It is entirely my fault I ended up in the state I did, she did nothing to challenge that and just went along with things and saying nothing until it was too late, I don't want that in a relationship. I want the other person to share their concerns with me, to help me to be better.

It just felt like both of us were settling for this relationship because we didn't believe we could do better.

 

 

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I feel like you're reaching a point where you can look at your past relationship and see it for what it was, with a bit of critical thinking, but not without appreciating the good sides. Good luck with this new girl 🙂 It sounds like a great change for you !

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