Jump to content
Deku

Journey to my white coat

Recommended Posts

Haven't been diligent at all about writing on here recently, so I guess I'll try to pick that up moving forwards.

After the high from midterms came down, it's become a lot harder for me to stay focused on getting work done. There just isn't a lot to do anymore in terms of schoolwork, so it's really easy to rationalize going home early and watching anime for an entire afternoon. Because of that, I've stalled out in terms of productivity of late. The last few days have ended up just being: go to class -> go to lab -> go home and watch anime. I would like to hit the library again, but without too much homework on the docket I'm not sure what exactly I'd be doing there. Maybe I'll start up studying for my medical school exams, or catch up on my lab notebook entries. Heck, maybe I can even get some studying done for Bible study (we had a pop quiz on Monday and I got absolutely massacred, guess I need to read my notes after all).

I suppose recently I've just been...off. I seem to always be tired, never hungry, and never really in a mood to do anything at all. Maybe it's because after slaying all my midterms I've looked at my life again and...it just doesn't seem like I'm anywhere closer to where I want to be, even after putting in all that hard work. The list of stuff to do for medical schools is still impossibly long, and I've gotten remarkably little done this semester aside from studying. For the first time in my life I'm starting to think that maybe I can't get my white coat after all.

I don't know when or why I started feeling this way (guess that happens when you stop journaling regulary for a while). Maybe it's just the depression coming back, or some kind of temporary chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe I can only unlock beast mode when there's a clear objective for me to overcome, which hasn't been the case since midterms ended. Whatever the reason, I hope I can get back on track soon. I won't make it to medical school with my current mental state.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess exams have a reward system: you study hard, you get a high score, you feel rewarded. And you probably are a reward-seeking person. But life doesn't have all these reward systems built every where. Most of the time you don't see an objective set by other people. 

I have the same problem here: when I don't see the progress that I am making, I feel less motivated. Even depressed. Although I know it's normal that I can't get anywhere within a few days, and by working a little every day consistently I will be able to achieve something; emotionally I just feel like I will be stuck here forever.

Wait -- I think you said something similar in my post when I started my journal here😆 I guess you know all the theories. These are temporary emotions, and they will pass. Good luck! And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

😆And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

That's true. People can get addicted to TV anyway. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a temporary thing. Just ride it out and don't relapse.

You probably need to get some rest - you've been going hard for a long time with these exams. 

You're in the Bay Area, no? Why not plan some nature excursion for the weekend or something? There are so many awesome natural parks a few hours' drive away and planning for them might engage your mind a bit.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Less than 10 days now from 90 days of game-free life. It's crazy how fast the time has gone by.

Still feeling a bit down, but I've worked out a temporary solution to keep myself productive until I can get the ball rolling again. I'll sit in a comfy spot, close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and slowly turn off the noise in my head. Then I'll blast some music on my headphones to hype myself up. With this method I can usually get a couple of good hours in before I have to take a break, which is certainly not nothing.

Here's some stuff I've done in the past couple days:

-I rewrote my notes for bible study, and actually learned a lot from doing it. I guess there was a lot of information that just slipped through the cracks in my mind, which isn't surprising given my previous level of motivation to actively review the content. Turns out that the course content is actually pretty darn interesting, and I'm actively looking forward to class on Monday.

-Made an appointment with my university's premed advisor to get my bearings straight for the next few months of my life. 

-Randomly won a beanie from a Youtube giveaway!

-Continuing to attend all my classes and review my notes for them. I am falling a bit behind on all my lab notebooks though, so I think I can use my time this weekend to square those away.

-Finally, somehow managed to blow my chance with Hayde, which is remarkable given that she asked me out. I don't know what I did wrong, and frankly I don't have the time or energy to reflect on my actions and figure it out. I'm just going to chalk up another one on the extensive list of L's and hope that it can get turned around someday. Heck, with so many L's in just this semester alone, I'm probably due for a W at least sometime soon.

That's all for now; have to go to a sickle cell support group meeting tomorrow, so hitting the hay early tonight. See y'all again in the near future.

P.S. Thanks to @Silverlining and @karabas for the advice; I've written it before but I think it's important to restate that it's really amazing to know that there are actually people out there who read my many ramblings and take the time to give their thoughts about it. So thank you very much for helping me out during this period of my life 🙂. I would love to get away for a weekend and go on a vacation, but unfortunately my cells won't feed themselves! It would definitely be nice to visit the Redwood forests up North, Yosemite to the East, or Big Sur to the South though. I've been in California all my life and somehow haven't been to any of the three.

Edited by Deku
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Woke up at the crack of dawn today to go to a support group meeting for Sickle Cell Anemia 50 miles from my house. It was a really valuable opportunity and I'm glad I went. Not only did I get to meet with patients and hear their stories, but I also got to learn so much about what has to be one of the most underrated diseases in the world. 

I'm still feeling a bit down, but I forced myself to be positive today rather than wallowing in self-pity, and I think it helped a bit. I'm starting to worry less about things beyond my control (ie, the attraction women feel towards me) and more on the things I can control (ie continued self-improvement). I think that's a pretty healthy mindset to take moving forwards.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/10/2018 at 8:50 AM, Deku said:

-Finally, somehow managed to blow my chance with Hayde, which is remarkable given that she asked me out. I don't know what I did wrong, and frankly I don't have the time or energy to reflect on my actions and figure it out. I'm just going to chalk up another one on the extensive list of L's and hope that it can get turned around someday. Heck, with so many L's in just this semester alone, I'm probably due for a W at least sometime soon.

I would try not to worry about it too much , these things happen and look you are getting a lot of interest from the lasses, there can be a number of reasons why things don't click and sometimes this is for the best. It can be hard to take but you will find someone.

Less than nine days to go !!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×