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Deku

Journey to my white coat

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Haven't been diligent at all about writing on here recently, so I guess I'll try to pick that up moving forwards.

After the high from midterms came down, it's become a lot harder for me to stay focused on getting work done. There just isn't a lot to do anymore in terms of schoolwork, so it's really easy to rationalize going home early and watching anime for an entire afternoon. Because of that, I've stalled out in terms of productivity of late. The last few days have ended up just being: go to class -> go to lab -> go home and watch anime. I would like to hit the library again, but without too much homework on the docket I'm not sure what exactly I'd be doing there. Maybe I'll start up studying for my medical school exams, or catch up on my lab notebook entries. Heck, maybe I can even get some studying done for Bible study (we had a pop quiz on Monday and I got absolutely massacred, guess I need to read my notes after all).

I suppose recently I've just been...off. I seem to always be tired, never hungry, and never really in a mood to do anything at all. Maybe it's because after slaying all my midterms I've looked at my life again and...it just doesn't seem like I'm anywhere closer to where I want to be, even after putting in all that hard work. The list of stuff to do for medical schools is still impossibly long, and I've gotten remarkably little done this semester aside from studying. For the first time in my life I'm starting to think that maybe I can't get my white coat after all.

I don't know when or why I started feeling this way (guess that happens when you stop journaling regulary for a while). Maybe it's just the depression coming back, or some kind of temporary chemical imbalance in my body. Maybe I can only unlock beast mode when there's a clear objective for me to overcome, which hasn't been the case since midterms ended. Whatever the reason, I hope I can get back on track soon. I won't make it to medical school with my current mental state.

 

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I guess exams have a reward system: you study hard, you get a high score, you feel rewarded. And you probably are a reward-seeking person. But life doesn't have all these reward systems built every where. Most of the time you don't see an objective set by other people. 

I have the same problem here: when I don't see the progress that I am making, I feel less motivated. Even depressed. Although I know it's normal that I can't get anywhere within a few days, and by working a little every day consistently I will be able to achieve something; emotionally I just feel like I will be stuck here forever.

Wait -- I think you said something similar in my post when I started my journal here😆 I guess you know all the theories. These are temporary emotions, and they will pass. Good luck! And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

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23 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

😆And don't make watching anime a habit -- people can be addicted to anime, too.

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

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1 hour ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

I guees its a content consumption issue not directly related to anime. Because I met such types who been watching various titles like non- stop for example one guy was watching something on his smartphone and when i asked him what is he watching, he couldnt even remember the name.

That's true. People can get addicted to TV anyway. 

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It's a temporary thing. Just ride it out and don't relapse.

You probably need to get some rest - you've been going hard for a long time with these exams. 

You're in the Bay Area, no? Why not plan some nature excursion for the weekend or something? There are so many awesome natural parks a few hours' drive away and planning for them might engage your mind a bit.

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Less than 10 days now from 90 days of game-free life. It's crazy how fast the time has gone by.

Still feeling a bit down, but I've worked out a temporary solution to keep myself productive until I can get the ball rolling again. I'll sit in a comfy spot, close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and slowly turn off the noise in my head. Then I'll blast some music on my headphones to hype myself up. With this method I can usually get a couple of good hours in before I have to take a break, which is certainly not nothing.

Here's some stuff I've done in the past couple days:

-I rewrote my notes for bible study, and actually learned a lot from doing it. I guess there was a lot of information that just slipped through the cracks in my mind, which isn't surprising given my previous level of motivation to actively review the content. Turns out that the course content is actually pretty darn interesting, and I'm actively looking forward to class on Monday.

-Made an appointment with my university's premed advisor to get my bearings straight for the next few months of my life. 

-Randomly won a beanie from a Youtube giveaway!

-Continuing to attend all my classes and review my notes for them. I am falling a bit behind on all my lab notebooks though, so I think I can use my time this weekend to square those away.

-Finally, somehow managed to blow my chance with Hayde, which is remarkable given that she asked me out. I don't know what I did wrong, and frankly I don't have the time or energy to reflect on my actions and figure it out. I'm just going to chalk up another one on the extensive list of L's and hope that it can get turned around someday. Heck, with so many L's in just this semester alone, I'm probably due for a W at least sometime soon.

That's all for now; have to go to a sickle cell support group meeting tomorrow, so hitting the hay early tonight. See y'all again in the near future.

P.S. Thanks to @Silverlining and @karabas for the advice; I've written it before but I think it's important to restate that it's really amazing to know that there are actually people out there who read my many ramblings and take the time to give their thoughts about it. So thank you very much for helping me out during this period of my life 🙂. I would love to get away for a weekend and go on a vacation, but unfortunately my cells won't feed themselves! It would definitely be nice to visit the Redwood forests up North, Yosemite to the East, or Big Sur to the South though. I've been in California all my life and somehow haven't been to any of the three.

Edited by Deku
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Woke up at the crack of dawn today to go to a support group meeting for Sickle Cell Anemia 50 miles from my house. It was a really valuable opportunity and I'm glad I went. Not only did I get to meet with patients and hear their stories, but I also got to learn so much about what has to be one of the most underrated diseases in the world. 

I'm still feeling a bit down, but I forced myself to be positive today rather than wallowing in self-pity, and I think it helped a bit. I'm starting to worry less about things beyond my control (ie, the attraction women feel towards me) and more on the things I can control (ie continued self-improvement). I think that's a pretty healthy mindset to take moving forwards.

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On 11/10/2018 at 8:50 AM, Deku said:

-Finally, somehow managed to blow my chance with Hayde, which is remarkable given that she asked me out. I don't know what I did wrong, and frankly I don't have the time or energy to reflect on my actions and figure it out. I'm just going to chalk up another one on the extensive list of L's and hope that it can get turned around someday. Heck, with so many L's in just this semester alone, I'm probably due for a W at least sometime soon.

I would try not to worry about it too much , these things happen and look you are getting a lot of interest from the lasses, there can be a number of reasons why things don't click and sometimes this is for the best. It can be hard to take but you will find someone.

Less than nine days to go !!!

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Because of the smoke pollution from the wildfires near my area, the University is shut down for the next couple days. No rest for the weary though, as I still had to show up at the lab by 9 to get the work for the day done. Went to bible study after to learn more about the symbology used in the scriptures, had a pop quiz today as well which went very well. Even got dinner with some members of the group afterwards. I feel very good about my decision joining that group. It may not help at all for getting into medical school, but between all the interesting things I'm learning about Christianity and all the friends I've made, I don't at all feel like my time there has been wasted.

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My mom has come back to town, and naturally that means that I'm once again spending all my time in the library. Actually got quite a lot done today--read the papers for Stem Cell lecture and journal club this afternoon, and update quite a decent chunk of my lab notebook for Stem Cell lab. Thanks mom!

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Life's been pretty unremarkable the past few days. There's a poster session that I'm trying to present at that's taking place on December 11th, so I've been spending most of my time in the lab, really only leaving to eat, sleep and study the bible. 

The only really interesting thing was my optometry appointment this week; I needed a refill on my contact lenses and apparently you're required to get an eye exam as well before they can order you more. Anyways, the optometrist (who was admittedly very young, maybe 27 or 28?) spent the entire time talking with me and asking all these questions about my life, stretching our appointment from 30 minutes to well over an hour. At the end she also called me back into her office and wrote her personal number on the back of her business card, saying "I'd love to hear about how your medical school applications go." I haven't the faintest idea how I would go about trying to pick up a girl that's several years older than me and quite successful, so I'm probably not going to do anything, but it's quite the amusing story that I thought I'd share.

And hey, 90 days! I would be more excited if I didn't feel...exactly the same. I'm focusing more on the next 90 days, and what I can use them for in order to bring myself closer to applying to medical school.

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Dude, you passed 90 days? You finished the detox! That's incredible! Gratitude is an important part of being happy, take time to look back and realize your success!

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I’m back after quite a long hiatus and...this is a long overdue post now. The truth is I relapsed quite quickly after hitting 90 days, going back to my old ways of playing League of Legends and pretty much any other game I could get my hands on. And immediately after starting to game, my life went right back into the shitter. I’ve been staying up way too late, procrastinating, all the terrible shit that got me here in the first place. I don’t know why I went back to gaming, but all I know is that it has to stop. Who knows if I can still get to medical school at this point, but I’m only going to live once so I guess I may as well try.

I’ve failed, guys. I think it’s important to acknowledge that. All I can do is promise to do better next time.

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1 hour ago, Deku said:

I’m back after quite a long hiatus and...this is a long overdue post now. The truth is I relapsed quite quickly after hitting 90 days, going back to my old ways of playing League of Legends and pretty much any other game I could get my hands on. And immediately after starting to game, my life went right back into the shitter. I’ve been staying up way too late, procrastinating, all the terrible shit that got me here in the first place. I don’t know why I went back to gaming, but all I know is that it has to stop. Who knows if I can still get to medical school at this point, but I’m only going to live once so I guess I may as well try.

I’ve failed, guys. I think it’s important to acknowledge that. All I can do is promise to do better next time.

Well man. As one word of wisdom says " sometimes a certain defeat might mean more than a victory" will it be so? Well, it depends on you.

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6 hours ago, Deku said:

I’m back after quite a long hiatus and...this is a long overdue post now. The truth is I relapsed quite quickly after hitting 90 days, going back to my old ways of playing League of Legends and pretty much any other game I could get my hands on. And immediately after starting to game, my life went right back into the shitter. I’ve been staying up way too late, procrastinating, all the terrible shit that got me here in the first place. I don’t know why I went back to gaming, but all I know is that it has to stop. Who knows if I can still get to medical school at this point, but I’m only going to live once so I guess I may as well try.

I’ve failed, guys. I think it’s important to acknowledge that. All I can do is promise to do better next time.

You passed the 90 days, it's still something! Giving yourself a little credit doesn't hurt. And you deserved some reward but subconsciously you probably thought of playing games as a reward.

Why not think of this as an experiment? After the 90-day detox you tested if you had become a different person who could play moderately. Turned out you were not. 

That's OK. Life is not about keeping a perfect record. Trial and error is a good way to learn, as long as you can learn from this experience.

For AA I think they have a saying that "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" -- I'm not sure though, learned this from TV shows. But that's probably true with game addicts too.

Tbh I am thinking about going back to games a little bit after 90 days. Not sure if it's a dangerous thing to do, but I want to know if I can play a little bit without disrupting my lifestyle and then stop playing at my will. 

 

Stay resilient! And good luck! 

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8 hours ago, Deku said:

I don’t know why I went back to gaming

One relapse doesn't define you, so don't lose hope. The members above me wrote everything right so I won't say anything they already said so well - but what I have to tell you is, find out that why. Successful people look for the lesson in the bad situations and that's how they become stronger and smarter and wiser. So look into yourself and find out why you went back, what that says about your mind workings and so on. This way you're making the best out of this mistake, using it to learn more about yourself and be better next time. 

 

8 hours ago, Deku said:

I’ve failed, guys. I think it’s important to acknowledge that. All I can do is promise to do better next time.

You can do better, with more self knowledge. Keep up the good work, you didn't really ruin anything, you still did 90 days off gaming. But do some introspection to use this experience for better results in the future! 

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Relapse can happen - it is like it is. Dont blame yourself, it wont help. Be objective, check the reasons why u failed. Remember that the relapse doesnt destroy ur efforts in the 90 days detox. I mean if a person do 90 day detox straight and relapse maybe one week, thats still a pretty good deal. The only reason why relapse should be never a option you take by yourself is the danger that you cant get back on track after the relapse quickly. But you are here again. Thats great.

ill look forward to your post tomorrow :)!

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I relapsed right after hitting 90 days too. That's OK. Learn from it, see what you're doing wrong, and pick yourself back up.

I struggled for a bit after my post-90-day relapse, but once I restarted my detox, gaming hasn't been an issue. I'm at a 110 days now and aside from an occasional craving there hasn't been a big problem. Videos and the like still are, but at least I've gotten gaming out of the picture.

One of the key things I've learned from failing is to not feel too crap about it and just move on. Failures will happen and it's how we grow.

Here's to another 90 days of butt-kickery 😄

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Back into it now, and not a minute too soon. Unbelievably it's already time for finals and I have five in the next two weeks. 

Took the first one today for Stem Cell lecture...don't know how to feel about it. Definitely didn't fail but I don't think I aced it either. Honestly I'm glad midterms went very well, it really takes the pressure off this point this semester. I know I should study hard and finish strong but it's so easy to just take it easy now and cruise my way to the finish line.

Research poster for the poster session on the 10th is done, and there's quite a lot of good stuff on there. Shane and I made a unique reporter stem cell line and differentiated them into motor neurons. Some choice pictures I'm super proud of are attached.

1641571057_MadProjectionsPlated1124Picture1126.thumb.jpg.fd3dc5ae657adb784187a4b4f1b1069d.jpg

A massive colony of neurons...you can see the projections and stuff coming out from it.

1126051854_Overlay_Average0019(1).thumb.jpg.c9483265ef07f0cc673fa4559e5a1f67.jpg

Staining! (Done on Dr. Abramson's crappy microscope). You can see the motor neurons in red and their projections in green.

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Nice! You're making me miss bio. Stem cell differentiation and immunofluorescence was my jam at my last research job.

Glad to hear you're back in the saddle! Are you off of games again?

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@karabas I am off games again! Hopefully for another 90 days at the very least.

Finals continue! Got Stem Cell Journal Club tomorrow, an open materials exam which shouldn't be too bad (although I am ashamed to admit it is almost 10:30 and I am reading some of these papers for the first time -__-). Biggest stressor is, once again, Molecular Biology. I am stressing HARD about the lab notebook, which I turned in last Tuesday after pulling a true all-nighter to write 71 pages of notes. I was in the peak of my gaming fever then, and if the games cost me yet another good grade in a class after all the hell I've already been through in the first few months, I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

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5 hours ago, Deku said:

I am off games again! Hopefully for another 90 days at the very least.

Good to hear! And if you've hit 90 days before, why not try setting a slightly higher bar: maybe 120 days?

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