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Deku

Journey to my white coat

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5 hours ago, Peluconus said:

Hey @Deku,

I went through a hard time when I tried to have a relationship with a girl while I was addicted. It didn't went good. Damage were done in both ways. I don't know if I should say we were "lucky" because we had just started to date when we parted ways, but we both were excited in the beginning.

What I want to say is that you have to be in a good mood to start and mantain a relationship. Actually both persons have. So if you are still struggling with something as big as games addiction (OR whatever makes you struggle, it doesn't has to be just the addiction), I would suggest to wait until you feel like it's not such a big deal anymore. If you can't keep your feelings inside you, be sincere with the girl and tell her what you feel and why you can't be in a relationship right now. That could help too.

You wrote that a girl asked you out the other day. That means you are attractive. So don't worry about other chances, they will come someday and you will be prepared for it.

Hope this helps.

Not sure if it's what I wanted to hear, but probably the correct advice and what I needed. Thanks

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Another mediocre lab performance today, this time in Stem Cell lab. We've begun to form groups for the final project in our class (differentiating mouse embryonic stem cells to functional adult cells of our choice) and my partner (Shane) just happens to be a 30 year old monster of a guy who's worked in numerous lab settings--and therefore far more experienced and competent than me. Because of my routinely weak skills in the lab Shane's taken it upon itself to keep a constant eye on my every move--for fear of me dropping a hydrogen bomb on our stem cells I suppose--and micromanages my work to the point of being slightly toxic. I don't really mind though. I know it's nothing personal, as he just wants to do well in the class, and frankly his toxicity is nothing compared to the 12 year olds I've played with in League of Legends (my fellow former summoners will understand). I honestly would rather have a partner that loudly points out my mistakes than an overly friendly partner that won't comment when he sees me do something stupid. It's just a bit disconcerting how many big mistakes I'm making and how much shit I don't know at this point. I hope these things will resolve themselves quickly as I accumulate more bench experience, as I'm getting the distinct impression that I'm already on thin ice with Shane.

Regarding cute molecular bio girl, I've decided to screw it all and just ask her out at the earliest chance I get. If she says yes then great, and if not it'll be fantastic, because I'll be able to keep my head down and truly focus on improving my lamentable lab skills. Win-win situation in my opinion. I apologize to @Peluconus for not heeding your advice after you took the time to read my longass post and give your thoughts, but there's probably a 99.9% chance that she'll say no anyway. At least this way my brain will be able to stay grounded on labwork, rather than wandering to the pretty face across the room.

I'm going to see cute molecular bio girl tomorrow, and in preparation to ask her out I've finished all my work, both for today and tomorrow, totalling three lab notebook entries, two readings on Alkaline Phosphatase Assay and Histological Staining, and a powerpoint presentation on Osteoarthritis. I figure that in the overwhelmingly possible event that she blows a massive hole through my heart I'll appreciate not having any homework to do. I'll be able to hit the gym hard, take a nice hot shower, and then curl in my bed and binge anime for the rest of the night.

 

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5 hours ago, Deku said:

Regarding cute molecular bio girl, I've decided to screw it all and just ask her out at the earliest chance I get. If she says yes then great, and if not it'll be fantastic, because I'll be able to keep my head down and truly focus on improving my lamentable lab skills. Win-win situation in my opinion. I apologize to @Peluconus for not heeding your advice after you took the time to read my longass post and give your thoughts, but there's probably a 99.9% chance that she'll say no anyway. At least this way my brain will be able to stay grounded on labwork, rather than wandering to the pretty face across the room.

I understand what you want with this, but in my experience, it won't just fade if she says no. I usually overthink everything all the time, so maybe you can get rid of it and continue with your life, but it may hurt. Be careful, and most importantly don't let yourself sink into games if you feel discouraged.

The other only advice I could tell you is this: if you're really going to ask her out, do it as if you think she is going to say yes. Don't accept the defeat until she has declined your offer. But don't misunderstand me, if she says no, then it's no, there's no need to insist and make things weird. Just go with the right mentality. If you ask her out thinking that you will be rejected, she might notice it and actually reject you, but if you show up and talk with confidence, your chances will be higher.

We are here to support each other. It's your life mate, I don't need an apology, I just tried to show you a different view, but the decision is yours and, at least me, I will support it, no matter what it is. You are strong, just find the strength inside you.

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11 hours ago, Deku said:

I know it's nothing personal, as he just wants to do well in the class, and frankly his toxicity is nothing compared to the 12 year olds I've played with in League of Legends

Lol I love the positivity there! Don't worry man, we all go through times in our lives when we don't know anything (or not enough)... that's what learning is for.

Also a lesson for the future to not be so toxic to the folks that know less than you. I think you can be watchful without being a douche.

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So after all my big talk, I'm a bit ashamed to report that I actually didn't get the chance to talk to cute Mol Bio girl today. Apparently in spite of all my mistakes my partner and I did fantastic on our Tuesday experiment, and we were the only group with viable results today (whereas the rest of the class will have to wait until the coming Tuesday to assess results). Unfortunately, the extra time we needed to do our results meant that by the time we were finally done that girl was long gone. Oops, and I was so ready to just get it over with today. Guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday instead.

In other news, gave my presentation on Osteoarthritis today for my afternoon class, and it went amazingly. The professor seemed pretty blown away and it was the first time anyone ever called me an "amazing speaker." Which honestly I didn't get at all--I know that I had all my usual problems with my trembling voice, difficulty making eye contact, and stuttering. Going back to one of my earlier posts, maybe my perceived awkwardness is all in my head, but either way I'll take the good grade whenever I can get it.

Since I grinded yesterday to get all of tonight's homework done, I have absolutely nothing to do and I am loving it. Probably going to get to go to bed super early tonight, which I am hyped af for. Maybe I'll make this a regular thing, going super hard on MWF and using my T Th to do things other than studying.

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Today I noticed something unexpected. While walking around doing my normal thing, I kept running into people waving at me and saying hello as we passed each other. Turns out that my efforts to maximize my human interactions have actually led me to make quite a few acquaintances over the course of the past few weeks. Still having a hard time making real friends outside of my 9-man grad program, but at the same time it's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was spending all my time gaming in my room.

Despite our rocky start Shane and I are starting to come together, and we actually make one hell of a team if I say so myself. He's got almost godlike lab technique, but because of his marriage, children and long commute struggles to prepare adequately for lab; meanwhile, I have absolutely horrid lab technique but have all the time in the world to prepare, since I'm single af and not gaming anymore. Put together we end up covering for each other's weaknesses quite well, and the results have been thus far quite spectacular. Today's lab (assessing pluripotency with the ALP assay) was pretty tough and required extreme attention to detail, yet we were able to both finish first and end up as the only group with good results.

Other than that, hit my gym today to bring my total to this week up to 3, and matching the goal I set at the beginning of this journal. Hope to keep the momentum up!

 

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4 hours ago, karabas said:

Amazing! It's crazy how quickly the results come once you leave gaming. Hopefully it's good inspiration to stay off games

Thanks, for sure! Still can't get a lick done at home which costs me a lot of time...but will try to work on that! ?

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Sounds like you are doing great! I love to see that you and Shane are coming to terms with each other, that's awesome! It sounds like you are much more personable than you give yourself credit for.

Super excited for you, you're killing it!

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Another weekend gone by, and while it could have been more productive it was certainly an improvement over last week. This morning, I went to the lab to maintain our stem cells, then went through a 60-slide powerpoint in preparation for tomorrow's lectures. Also updated my lab notebook to be generally all caught up for Monday's lab. 

Shane and I also knocked out our research proposal for the semester project, which is due this coming Friday.

480320272_screenshotofproposal.thumb.png.4457b509dd1a0de79172c45458840338.png

A fun way I've found to give myself a small boost of productivity is to tell myself that I won't ask out cute mol bio girl until I get all my assignments done for next week. This is the second time I've tried it now, and strangely each time it works great and allows me to bulldoze through a mad pile of work. All good things must come to an end though, as I'm really aiming to ask her out on Tuesday and get over the whole situation. The more I think about her the more attached and confused I get, and it's honestly starting to become a bit of an unhealthy obsession (especially since I don't actually know much about her at all). I'm looking forward to the imminent end of this strange mini-arc in my life, though I must say I am going to miss having a girl to motivate me for the time being.

Thanks to @whydoyouloveme and @karabas for your kind words. I tell myself that I'm keeping these journals for my own development, but in truth it's great to know that there are people out there who actually listen to these ramblings and care about my development during this journey. This community has been a big part of why I've been able to stay strong thus far, so thank you very much for your support!

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Got almost no sleep last night, but still managed to push through classes and get a monstrous afternoon of productivity in. A brief list of what got done:

-Updated lab notebook for Stem Cell lab for Wednesday

-Read a 12-page research paper and took notes for Wednesday's journal club

-Preread the lecture for Mol Bio tomorrow

-Updated lab notebook for Mol Bio tomorrow

-Found protocol for tomorrow's lab and copied it in my lab notebook

-Picked up my paycheck from the bar--85 dollars!

God bless you Medium Iced Americano, and thank you Mol Bio girl for the productivity boost. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, I think the whole experience with her was worth it.

 

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Well, went for it (or at least tried to). Didn't really get a negative response, but it definitely wasn't positive. I think I've always known it was going to be like this, but it still feels disappointing as hell. It kinda makes me feel like all the progress I've made in the past few weeks is all pointless. All those late nights at the library, all those cups of coffee, all those times I went to the gym even though all I wanted to do was sleep, all those minutes in the morning spent picking an outfit and doing my hair, all of it feels so meaningless, like some sort of stupid way for me to feel like I've improved as a person when all I've done is stand still. My humor is still terrible, I still can't hold a meaningful conversation with someone I'm attracted to, I'm still awkward and clumsy as fuck, and I feel like I'm that side character in a show whose only real purpose is to fuck up in humiliating ways for cheap laughs. Yesterday becoming a great charismatic guy who I could see as a viable candidate for medical school seemed not only possible, but within reach. Today it feels so, so far away.

Sorry about the rant. I guess that's life. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you fail miserably. And all I can do at this point is take the losses with the wins and keep trying to improve, however pointless it may be.

Edited by Deku

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Don't worry about it my dude. Do progress for yourself, not for a girl you barely know. It's fine to use it as motivation, but don't get attached or beat yourself up for getting rejected. Dating is in many ways a numbers game - some people like you, some people don't and there's little you can do about it. In fact, you can, but that requires long-term effort to improve social skills, which only supports the frame of not getting attached to a single girl. Don't forget that it's called "social SKILL" for a reason. Like any other skill, it can stay the same, it can be degraded if you don't use it, or it can be improved if you deliberately take steps to do so. Humor, attraction, storytelling, confidence, spontaneity, all these are just skills. 

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Don't sweat it man.

First of all, you studied ahead of time because you were expecting a negative response.

Second of all - and more importantly - your worth as a human being isn't related to how well you can initiate spontaneous engaging conversation with women.

It's natural for a guy to be shy and awkward around the opposite gender they're interested in. Modern culture worships the personality that can be charismatic, anxiety-free, and "pick up girls" without a problem.

You know what kind of people normally have all those characteristics naturally?

Sociopaths. 

Yeah, go read about it.

So instead of trying to change your personality, my personal advice would be to relax about it. Most long-term relationships don't start out with an "asking out" or a pick up at a bar. They evolve from non-romantic relationships in class or at work, etc. You'll find the girl who'll like YOUR personality, not some sociopath's.

Disclaimer: I'm a Muslim and I married without "dating", although we did meet at a volunteer event and struck up a natural conversation over a shared interest. But after a few conversations I basically called her up and asked if she was interested in getting married. So I'm looking at this dating process as an outsider.

But OK, let's say you do want to be that confident guy who can strike up conversations with other people, be funny, etc. Don't look at it as if you just can't get there. You're working on it. You're on the way there. You dared to do something you wouldn't have dared to in the past. That's progress. You're not at the finish line, but what matters is that you're on the path. Results will come with time.

But in the meantime: you're killing it at school, you're more social than you've been in the past, you've been working out... and most importantly you haven't gamed.

You're literally fighting against your brain's wiring and years-long addiction... by yourself. And you're winning. This is a super win for anyone who knows how hard this is to do.

So from an outsider's point of view, you're winning at life man. Don't let this small setback discourage you from an amazing amount of progress you've managed to achieve over such a short period of time.

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@karabas Oh we responded at the same time haha, that's some advice overload right there! ?

Did you really ask her to marry you after a few conversations? That's pretty extreme compared to western standards huh

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1 minute ago, JustTom said:

@karabas Oh we responded at the same time haha, that's some advice overload right there!

Did you really ask her to marry you after a few conversations? That's pretty extreme compared to western standards huh

Right? This is something I'm wondering too. I feel like if I did this the poor girl would call the cops or pull out the pepper spray or something...

Also, @JustTom and @karabas thanks for the support and the shockingly quick responses! You don't know how much it means to me. Have these fake emoji beers on me as my thanks.??

 

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2 hours ago, JustTom said:

Did you really ask her to marry you after a few conversations? That's pretty extreme compared to western standards huh

Lol I like that this is what you guys got out of that post ?

I didn't exactly propose after a few conversations. It was more that I said that I wanted to get to know her for the purpose of determining whether we'd want to get married.

The idea behind marriage without dating is that you get the key variables out of the way first. Like people nowadays ignore the big questions and get married, but it bites them in the butt later. 

Like say, you want to have kids. And the girl you like doesn't want to have kids. People say "that's a bridge we'll cross later", but the reality is that there are only 3 possible outcomes once you come to the bridge: you have kids and she's miserable for the rest of her life, you don't have kids and you're miserable for the rest of your life, or you get divorced. All 3 options suck (unless one of you changes their mind, but it's a bad idea to base your entire marriage on a hope that someone will change later).

So the idea is you don't even consider marriage if the "non-negotiables" don't match. And THEN you're introduced, get a feel for the chemistry, personality, common interests, aspirations, etc.

I did kinda "cheat" in that my wife and I talked and felt a chemistry beforehand. So when I called her it was more to discuss the "big stuff" and get a better feel for personality, common interests, etc. So we did talk a lot before making the commitment. I came up to meet her family and she came down to meet mine. And we did interview each other's friends lol.

But yeah, we didn't really "date" in the western sense until after the wedding. But it's a lot more stress-free once the commitment's been made.

Been happily married for 7 years now, so I'm happy with the results ?

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2 hours ago, Deku said:

Also, @JustTom and @karabas thanks for the support and the shockingly quick responses! You don't know how much it means to me.

Glad to be of help man ? I saw the notification pop up in my email and felt like this was one of those posts that shouldn't wait on a response. Hope you're feeling better!

I love these forums man. Yes, the journal is more for yourself than for others to read, but at the same time I feel like the human component is what makes it that more effective.

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Still not feeling too great, but it's nothing coffee and a shitton of homework can't fix. Had a conversation with one of my close friends about cute mol bio girl last night, and she basically said my only real problem is that I never made an effort to get to know her, just walked up and asked her out, which is something that she probably wouldn't accept from a stranger, no matter how attractive. Something to think about for next time I guess.

I've been working a lot of late nights in the library, and I'm happy to announce that today was pay day, where I got to cash out on all my hours. Our Stem Cell lab professor, Dr. Abramson, decided to surprise the entire class with a hard af pop quiz, because she felt that we hadn't prepared enough for her class. Guess which former gamer has been staying on top of the lectures/lab notebook since day 1 though? I ended up doing quite well on the quiz, though I am a bit miffed because I absolutely should have smashed it out of the park. Bah, if only I studied last night instead of moping around feeling bad for myself. Even so, I was one of the few students that knew all the answers to the hard questions--Dr. Abramson even had me go to the board to explain a particularly difficult calculation to the rest of the class. Pretty great feeling.

Being the disorganized professor that she is, Dr. Abramson also surprised everyone by announcing that we had to also complete a 15-minute powerpoint presentation to go along with our project proposals, all of which had to be done by this Friday. Everyone freaked out, mostly because many hadn't even started the proposal yet, but since Shane and I finished ours on the weekend we'd only owe her a few slides each. Again, pretty great feeling being ahead of the curve.

It's been 3 weeks since the start of the school year, and I've noticed that going to the library has become habit. It's no longer something I have to discipline myself into doing, my legs just take me there automatically after class. Also, it may just be the magic of an open space, but while working there I have no urges to go on Youtube, etc either--productivity just seems to come naturally at this point. Crushed the powerpoint, updated my lab notebooks, and did a little preparation for Understanding the Biotech Industry class tomorrow, with time to spare for the rest of tonight. (Gym perhaps?) I think at this point I'm ready to take on more commitments--namely volunteering and studying for the medical school entrance exam. 

Edited by Deku
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Damn, man, you're crushing it at school!

I always say that university is easy if people study ahead, do their homework when it's assigned and not when it's due, etc. People make it difficult by procrastinating (probably because they're gaming or partying).

Congrats! And keep it up ?

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I woke up this morning, showered, and then had a crazy realization after eating breakfast: today's been my ninth day without masturbation, the longest streak in my life, and I never even noticed. O__O I guess I really have been working hard over the past few weeks.

Kind of a weird thought but one I thought would be worth mentioning.

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So the saga of the cute mol bio girl apparently has not concluded just yet.

Looks like we're going to need to give her name (Rachael btw).

After she kind of blew me off on Tuesday, I had already accepted that Rachael probably didn't like me. Therefore I went into Mol Bio yesterday morning with the sole intention of focusing on the labwork and doing a good job on it. The lab involved calculating amounts of reagents to add into a reaction, so while I did the math my lab partner went to get the things we'd need. Rachael also stayed behind to do calculations while her partner walked off. 

Rachael and I work on opposite sides of the same bench, so we were now alone together. I tried to keep my head down and my mind on the numbers, but I could feel my stress levels starting to rise. And then suddenly--

"Sorry I've sat across from you on this bench for like weeks now, and I don't even know your name! Shouldn't we introduce ourselves to each other?" 

In disbelief I looked up to find Rachael smiling at me.

"Uh yeah, I'm William. Nice to meet you," I said, doing my best to sound casual. We shook hands across the table.

"So did you also do you undergrad in Biology, or?..." 

I couldn't believe it. This was a girl that I had been staring at and thinking about talking to for weeks now, and she had just walked over and started talking to me. We ended up having a pretty basic conversation about majors, undergrad schools, jobs, etc. Found out she was a Bio major who did her undergrad at the university, and that she now works at Roche as a mid-level scientist. 

Her partner came back and joined the conversation, but I noticed that even though she was now speaking to the group her eyes never left mine even for a second. 

Eventually my partner came back, and being a kind of loud guy took over the conversation instantly. Thanks man. 

The rest of lab went by, and because we were focused on not making mistakes my partner and I were the last group to finish. By the time we were done I hurriedly cleaned our bench and ran to the lockers to see if I could catch Rachael, but she was already gone.

I'm guessing it would not be inappropriate to ask her out for some coffee after class on Tuesday, though.

 

Edited by Deku
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TGIF! Can't wait to catch up on all that juicy sleep over the weekend.

Shane and I presented our proposal to Dr. Abramson today. She said we did a great job, and that our proposal was exactly the way it was supposed to be. Also got the pop quizzes back--got 10/10 (highest grade in the class), but that was with the generous 2 point bonus question. Honestly should have been able to easily get a 12 on it, but a couple stupid mistakes ended up costing me. 

I spent a LOT of today thinking about Rachael, and while doing that made me really happy I can't help but feel that I'm setting myself up for a giant disappointment. I've been through massive heartbreaks before and they suck--my productivity dips, my grades plummet, I start gaming hard, and my life just generally goes to shit in a number of ways. I'm a very insecure guy, so even though she's shown some interest I can't help but wonder how a beautiful, smart, sociable girl like her could ever be single, let alone fall for a derp like me. I've already decided to ask her out to coffee on Tuesday, but my mind keeps bringing up scenario after scenario where things go horribly wrong. She could leave early again. She could have just been friendly. Her feelings could have changed. Her handsome Argentenian stud of an ex-boyfriend could have professed his everlasting love for her. In all 23 years of my life I've never had a single positive experience with the opposite gender, and I just don't see how it could go any better with Rachael, especially since she's well out of the usual league I bat in.

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