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Cindpline

Journey to living a fulfilling and happy life

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Day 1

Okay, so recently I've had played video games. Because I made reasons in made head why I should play, and blamed why I was not happy - my depression.  I think I'm not addicted to them, but I think I need to stop playing them because:

- I am running away from my problems

- It reminds me of my old me - which I don't like.

- I read @Some Yahoo 's article about dopamine and serotonin. I can see that when I stop playing I can't think only but that game I was playing. And I think that is due to that real life just doesn't give dopamine. I need to make it to give dopamine, and seretonin. (in seretonin I have improved.) Also it may be that I don't enjoy other things because the time I was not playing I was just trying to survive the detox but not start make life awesome. 

So now I want to show reasons I thought why I should continue to game.

"Your thoughts were only how you can improve yourself in every situation. which got you stressed.  Anxiety filled your body, you couldn't sleep. You got out of breath easily. It affected your health negatively! Games would allow you to stop feeling stressed and anxious! " "Learn to do it in moderation so you will be okay, the longer you do it, the easier it gets! It becomes a habit!" "Your self esteem and depression can be due to your depression, so depression therapy can fix your problems!" "If you don't really enjoy doing other things, that might be because of your depression, so quitting gaming doesn't fix your depression. "Being hard on yourself doesn't make you happy, why not just relax with games." "If I game, I can be my authentic self. Don't have to feel uncomfortable.

To these protest I want to show for  those reasons are  above them. If you are running from your depression or thoughts constantly, they won't be fixed. It's good to have a little temporary escape, but when It becomes avoidance, no good. For the health reason, I don't know, I think I can't quit if that's in the way. But I can help it by talking to the psychologist about these, doing a relaxing practice, meditation and gratitude journal everyday.

I think that we people need to be in to our comfort zone sometimes. That allows us to relax.

And for a tip for me, think positively. AND REMEMBER TO NOT BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF! BE WHAT YOU ARE IN THE MOMENT. TAKE SMALL STEPS AT A TIME! STOP THINKING HOW CAN I DO THIS MOMENT BETTER TOO MUCH, BECAUSE IT STRESSES YOU TOO MUCH.

 Also, I've got dry eyes so I'm not sure if I'm able to write in this journal anymore but I hope if I put eyedrops 4 times a day it would get better. I'm writing this constantly feeling my left eye very dry.

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Day 1

Here again, relapsed. I played a mobile game called

Spoiler

Brawl stars (By supercell)

It's a very good game, yeah. But addictive, like all games. I surrended to the urge to play and blamed depression again. I saw many reasons why the reason to my bad feeling was not games. So if it's because depression, I can play right? No.

I listed reasons why I wanted to game:

  • I can't experience satisfaction in anything else at the moment
  • I could escape my depression a little bit.
  • I don't want to face the reality

Why I wanted to stop gaming and delete the game

  • Bad conscience 

 

But yesterday when I accepted that the main reason why I feel depressed was depression, (though I'm not diagnosed yet, I just watched depression quotes and I related to them very much so that made me convinced that it's due to depression) I didn't feel this anxiety and stress what to say when with friends, does he think I'm weird, etc. I just accepted depression. And I wrote this: "Game Quitters tries to say that I'm not allowed to be depressed." Stop procrastinating, think positively, set up your goals, all this.

Yesterday I was so hyped up and angry of games so I cycled 3 kilometres and sweared that for 90 days I will:

  • Meditate everyday 10 mins
  • not play games
  • no candy but desserts yes

"WORK always an antidote to depression" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Wow, great quote.

 

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Day 2-3

I just translated living life to the fullest to Finnish and realised that it doesn't mean living every second happy or hyped up, it means living life where you have everything what you need to be happy. Or I don't know, does it mean that?

I went cycling yesterday evening and I could feel emotions. I didn't have brain fog that moment, I felt a feeling in every thing. It was amazing. I had forgotten how amazing life can actually be. It's more than I think I quess. I think this is a part what being happy is like.

And unfortunately I watched gameplay from the game: Detroit: Become Human. I actually felt very interested to that game. It's very interesting to see how the world would look like in 2038, were there are androids in every day life. But watching that I just keep to my old seIlf. And I want to change to better, so I don't want to keep to my old life.

My old self is more careful, doesn't talk too much, is a silent kid. But he was not depressed, he had games. When I was gaming, I think I didn't actually like playing the piano. I just did it because I had to and because  people praised me how a good pianist and a musical kid I am. I think I was not addicted, but dependent of games. When my piano lesson ended I was just excited because I can go to game now. ;( So I think it never was my passion. Gaming was kinda my passion.

Now I am reading Respawn, tomorrow a visit for a Psychologist.

bucket list:

- new headphones

- fix my phone

- white board

 

 

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Self awareness is the key to improvement @Cindpline, and it sounds like you are progressing with this!

Don't beat yourself up about it, accept where you are in the process and keep moving forward. A step forward, no matter how small, is better than standing still.

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