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BooksandTrees

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm in denial about my hobbies and interests. I keep telling people I'm interested in writing books, cartoons, and animating along with website stuff. But I don't attempt to work on them at all and all I want to do is socialize with friends after work, play board games, rock climb, watch TV, and relax. When I have a weekend coming up I just like to do outdoorsy things and enjoy life.

This was similar to what I have felt when I was in my gaming detox. Like you, I also like to write stories (and poems) and drawing. However, because of my business, fear of writing poorly, and laziness, I just didn't do it and further honed my writing skills. I also agree with @30_yrs_of_gaming about overthinking and about being content.

I hope that your date will go smoothly. 😉

Edited by Lea
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On 9/12/2019 at 2:42 AM, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

I didn’t read a whole lot of your story, but there are two things that stood out that may be helpful.

I get two impressions fairly quickly. 

One is that you tend to overthink a bit. That contributes to your anxiety or stress. I am a thinker too. Analytical to a fault. Rock climbing and boxing helps you manage your mind. It’s okay.

Two, this over thinking sometimes has you being too hard on yourself to achieve or attain. Contentment is something you seem to discover when you sort of lose yourself in living in the now. 

I think dating and having this perspective from a good female is going to totally be a great opportunity for growth as well as companionship. 

Best wishes. Keep up the great work.

Don't worry. My story is so long lol. I've been on the site for over a year so it's a huge book. I am an overthinker.  I don't really understand how to not think about shit. I get into a zone of frustration and just have all of these thoughts in my head built up from a number of stressors and when something new gets presented to me I just think about it. I found last night to be helpful because I just listened to atmospheric music and wrote a few pages of a book I've wanted to write. I don't care if it gets famous or sold. I just want to write it and see where my characters go.

I did stop boxing because it's just too much. I feel like I have to be there by a certain time and I can't just box and punch shit. It feels so rushed. I have to do like 45 minutes of exercises before I start punching and all I want to do is punch stuff, move fast, and leave maybe once or twice a week. They also close at 8 PM and I get home at 6:30 some nights and can't exercise until 7 PM. Then they get mad at me for showing up "late". But it's not a classroom setting. It's an open gym. It's conflicting.

I'll see where the dating goes. I get annoyed with dating sites and apps because my photos aren't these model shots with perfect lighting and effort like most women have on their profiles. I tend to attract women I'm not attracted to and feel obligated to date them. However, in person I am able to attract women who are absolutely beautiful and they flirt with me and I can get their numbers. This gives a false sense of confidence. I think the apps are actually hurting my feelings more than helping. 

I'm not sure I'm very interested in this woman I'm seeing and it is getting to me. We get along well and she's a good talker. She's average looking and her career is uninteresting to me. We have no similar hobbies or activities to share. It's just talking.

Thank you for the advice.

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On 9/12/2019 at 5:51 AM, Lea said:

This was similar to what I have felt when I was in my gaming detox. Like you, I also like to write stories (and poems) and drawing. However, because of my business, fear of writing poorly, and laziness, I just didn't do it and further honed my writing skills. I also agree with @30_yrs_of_gaming about overthinking and about being content.

I hope that your date will go smoothly. 😉

That's what I miss about video games. They sort of make you feel content and not a desperate need to be amazing at things. I miss slowly working at things for a few months and being good at them. It's just difficult because you play a game and if you're bad you can blame the game or play another game. You also get rewarded for failing in most games. If you suck at drawing or writing the product is right in front of you. You have to be alone with your failure. Unless you can change your perspective and just enjoy the fact that you drew or wrote. Then you can keep going with it. I've learned to have more patience and feel better. I mentioned in the response to 30 years that I wrote last night and felt good about it. This is something I'd like to expand upon in the future.

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On 9/12/2019 at 3:11 AM, Ikar said:

There's a nice article about dreams here.

Reading the article, I also got a thought that there is a meta-dream (that likely most people share) of having a "good life", but indeed you cannot have a "good life" without all the struggles that you actually have to love in order to get it - eating well, having tough talks from time to time, exercising, feeling well at a job etc. I also think those examples are just universal.

Good luck with the date!

I agree with this. When my life becomes overwhelming I easily feel the need to give up and find a rewarding activity which requires little effort. That is just an easy way to say porn or something.

I will read this article today. I think I'm just starting to get out of these crazy dream states and just want to enjoy my free time. I've been so conflicted about wishing I could enjoy writing like I enjoyed playing RuneScape. Did I enjoy playing runescape? It was very stressful and I hated the community. Maybe I'm learning what enjoyment is.

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I'm 47 weeks free from gaming now. I'm a little over a month away from 1 year.

Something I wanted to do this weekend was watch a gaming stream from a video game I used to be the best in the world at. I felt sick in the head. I got that brain fog feeling again right away. I just started getting sad about the whole thing. The reception I got from the Twitch chat box was "Wow! What a blast from the past! The best!" and then nobody talked to me. I lurked around other streams hoping to talk to people but nobody really cared that much.

This was good for me. It made me realize that I put these people above my own friends and family, personal interests, and personal health for no reason. It was a confirmation that I feel better away from video games. It made me realize I actually talk to people now who care about my well being and genuinely want to spend time with me instead of wanting me on their team so they can have the best team.

I haven't had video game cravings since maybe February, but I'm now in a state where I'm kind of repulsed by video games and a lot of the community. I've kind of been stressed recently and wanted to escape into some games to just build stuff. Instead, I just listened to music, wrote some stories or some ideas for future stories. I then just went to bed because I realized I was tired and felt better the next day. 

The dating scene has stressed me out a bit, but I'm getting better at it. I have a date later today and I got another woman's phone number who I'm interested in. I also met up with my two artist friends all day yesterday. We just spit-balled ideas around regarding our hobbies. All three of us were stressed out by the progress we've made on the cartoon so far. We realized we didn't want to create a pitch for a studio. We did all the fun parts and the rest is just a job honestly. We're treating it just like a full time job after working a full time job and we won't see the results for a few years. It's stressful and demoralizing.

What we're doing instead is just spending the rest of this year researching and practicing things. We're then going to start producing smaller deliverables with the cartoon such as 1-5 minute shorts and podcasting about the cartoons we're making. We can build an audience and hone our craft until we decide to make longer videos. We're also going to be podcasting our progress in a certain way that's enjoyable after some time once we get our feet stable.

I'm also going to be writing my book more when I feel like it as well as dedicate some time to art projects.

Thanks for the support recently. I'm starting to get ideas for how to celebrate after a year.

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On 9/14/2019 at 4:25 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'll see where the dating goes. I get annoyed with dating sites and apps because my photos aren't these model shots with perfect lighting and effort like most women have on their profiles. I tend to attract women I'm not attracted to and feel obligated to date them. However, in person I am able to attract women who are absolutely beautiful and they flirt with me and I can get their numbers. This gives a false sense of confidence. I think the apps are actually hurting my feelings more than helping.  

I remember @Ambassador once mentioned this site, as to get ratings on photos for the apps. If you are more successful just approaching women on your own IRL, then definitely focus on that option more. And remember; you just have to get lucky once (at a time anyway).

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

The reception I got from the Twitch chat box was "Wow! What a blast from the past! The best!" and then nobody talked to me. I lurked around other streams hoping to talk to people but nobody really cared that much.

I have a different experience. I stayed in touch with one of my viewers even after I quit gaming and we're still in contact. I also streamed as I planned on Thursday and several regulars showed up, asked how I've been after those 5 months and even checked out my diary here. I was really just setting up my phone as webcam for the first hour of the stream and showed photos from Iceland for the rest of it, for some 3 hours total.

All that makes me think I could handle gaming in moderation and enjoy streaming. However, I'd only like to do it only after I get my scheduling skills back on track.

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Today marks 48 weeks I've been away from video games. To celebrate the occasion I re-read the article @Ikar suggested I read about following dreams - this time with some more mental clarity. The article resonated with me more this time and made sense. The author actually touched on every issue I've been battling with regarding attention seeking, thinking my problems will go away, and fantasizing so much that it distorts my reality and inevitably lets me down.

The biggest reason I've been able to stay away from video games is my social network. I see friends at least 3 times per week now and have worked hard to develop interests in activities to keep this a reality. I play board games, rock climb, go out to eat, watch movies, and even exercise with friends at various times. This has given me more attention and fulfillment in life than being the best NHL player in the world for 4 straight years. Having fantasy friends does not equate to the reality of having friends who are there for you.

An example of how I'm still doing this to myself in another avenue of life is porn vs dating. I see these unbelievably attractive women on porn sites who spend hours in makeup to look perfect. They say the perfect things, often fake to keep viewership indulged (boring porn stars will get comments about how she's not moaning enough or making any facial expressions), and they also do things that the viewers expect such as a fetish or something. Porn also makes the viewer insecure because they wonder if they could ever please another person the way an actor or actress could please another. It turns into a pit of insecurity and low self worth. Who would ever find me attractive without having the perfect body or amount of experience required to please someone the "right way".

This is absolutely different in real life and I think I'm finally hitting the point with porn today that I hit with video games last fall. Last fall I was tired of fake friends, the sleepless nights, the brain fog, the lack of social development, the lack of happiness, and hobbies. Now I'm frustrated with the lack of emotional and physical connection with women. I'm tired of using porn as a crutch and I think I'm finally ready to walk on my own.

I've learned over the past 3 weeks that I had online dating apps and online dating. I swipe through women's profiles much like I scroll through the "suggested videos" feed on porn sites. If someone doesn't have the "look" I want, I don't even read their bios. I just swipe away and am uninterested. I then build a fantasy of the woman I swipe with and picture them a certain way. They let me down each time. Granted, the two women I recently mentioned these past two weeks are not necessarily in that boat and did their own things for letting me down. Still, there are similarities I want to highlight and mention from several women I've talked to this past year.

The main one would be the woman I went to Dallas with to watch hockey. We met at a wedding and talked about hockey and I just enjoyed her company. I spent the next 6 months watching hockey games with her over skype and we eventually decided to watch a game. I thought we were going to fall in love on this trip and become a couple. We had a luxury hotel, a city to ourselves, and 4 days together. What I realized was I couldn't do it. In the article Ikar suggested to me, a man and woman met and online dated for several months. They decided to meet up in her area of the world because he felt there was no other woman like her. After a few days not only did he realize he didn't like her, he grew very angry about the reality of what just happened to him. It was a let down emotionally, but a fantasy let down as well. He duped himself and felt stupid.

When I flew back to Boston from Dallas I felt unbelievably angry. Not at her. She did nothing wrong. She had fun, she was kind to me, we watched hockey together, and she continues to be a nice friend to me. We only talk hockey. I was so angry on my ride home from the airport. I decided to take my vengeance out on my life. I quit my job a month after it. I then stopped talking to a ton of friends and suffered. It was terrible and I won't re-open what happened because I already detailed it back from April-June in my diary. 

I let fantasy ruin me. 

Getting my life back fixed me. I got my job back, saw my friends again, and regained my independence and my life became better than it has ever been. This relates to what the author said about following dreams. He wanted to play the guitar and be a famous musician. He did not want to practice for 6 hours a day, set up gigs, lug his gear, deal with finding bandmates, etc. I want to be a cartoonist. But I don't want to learn how to draw from scratch or anything. It's evident that I don't like the process of what I'm doing because I never look forward to doing it.

This has broken me over the past two years. I thought video games were the reason I wasn't focusing on this hobby. 1 year has passed and I don't want to do it still. I don't enjoy the process. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to just sit down and write. I'm good at it when I do, but I just don't want to draw and learn software and then practice and then do 500 hours of work to produce 2 minute clips.

The thing I've been trying to understand is why I don't enjoy the process. I don't enjoy learning something mentally new after work. I don't mind learning physical things after work. I think it's because my job is mentally draining. I enjoy the work now though. It's just exhausting learning complex physics as well as managing projects, learning new software at work for modeling structures and finite element modeling, communicating with people all day, etc.

After work I want to learn 3d modeling software for animation, but I just spent all day in that software at work. It's unrelated software though so I can't really apply the traits other than my mental ability to conceptualize things in my head in 3d and translate them to the screen. I'm very good at that.

I'm just tired. I want to have fun. I want to keep going out and meeting people. The issue is I'm not meeting people doing things that I enjoy. Right now I enjoy rock climbing, comedy, hockey, and food. There are always events to attend around me, but most are trendy things that I don't care about. I also know I don't like being inside all day. It produces brain fog and disappointment. As much as I want to spend time inside, I want to be outside ten times more than normal. 

If I wake up on Saturday (today) and stay inside I get heavy eyed, brain fog, and depressed within a few hours. I can't just sit on the computer. I feel the urge to go outside and do something. It's this incredible pull. I just want it to be meaningful. I don't want to just walk around, but I also don't want to be signing up for crazy sports leagues and destroying my free time as well. I just can't look at a screen for a long time anymore in my spare time. I dislike it.

I know this post is way too long and nobody read this far down, but thank you for reading. My point is after almost a full year I still struggle and I think a lot of it has to do with porn and reluctance to keep trying things at first that aren't fun. Like playing sports but not practicing. Sometimes practice is what makes you enjoy the sport. Watching the Patriots win the superbowl isn't as fun unless I watch every game. It just means more when you put in the work and enjoy the process. Maybe I'm not learning to enjoy the process.

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I got a lot done for myself this weekend. I also did not watch porn today. I saw friends on Friday and Saturday, but still felt lonely. I think it's something greater than connection for me. I think it's my need for wholesome self-worth and belonging. I must be mindful of what I have in front of me, around me, and behind me. I've come a long way and am proud. Sometimes it just takes a deep breath as a hug to myself. I am proud of myself and I love myself. I have done so much for myself and continue to do so. 

I took steps today to prepare for this week. I want to save money because I've been eating out too much at lunch. The rock climbing gym is going to cost me $1,000 per year to be a member. If I am to be serious about my commitment there I want to be more disciplined with spending. I also want to continue to eat healthy and eating out does not always provide favorable options. I meal prepped today and will tomorrow as well for the rest of the week.

I also downloaded blender 2.8 so I can practice it. I want to get back into the habit of practicing at least 10 minutes per day. Porn has gotten in the way of my motivation. I am now determined to lose porn. I want to see what effect it has on my life.

I sat in great thought this weekend about my hobbies and my interests. I haven't given my hobbies a fair shot. I daydream about the results I want and then think I want to do the hobby. But vision requires practice. I have not practiced at all over the past year. I am not afraid of hobbies. I just had no interest because whenever I want to feel accomplished in life I just watch porn for a dopamine rush. Then I just relax. Relaxing has helped me, but has left me unfulfilled.

My only hobbies right now are rock climbing and board games. My only interests right now are hockey, superheroes, movies, anime, and football. I'd like to add reading, writing, and animation to the hobby list and see if they stick. I need to give them a month. I gave boxing a month of effort and was very unsure whether I liked it or not. To be honest, I did not like it because it felt more of a burden than joy and stress relief.

The act of creativity and doing my own thing is heart opening to me. I just don't do it because it's easier to masturbate and relax after and go to bed. Orgasms make men tired afterwards. Porn makes you depressed, which can make you tired. I'm tired of that.

I will try animation, writing, and potentially podcasting one day. I need to do this for myself. I am free of video games because I learned what I needed. I needed friends. I will be free from porn because I will find love. Love for myself and love for another woman. And if that fails, I will try again. I will find fulfillment in life through activity, loving the earth, loving myself, and loving others.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

My only interests right now are hockey, superheroes, movies, anime, and football. I'd like to add reading, writing, and animation to the hobby list and see if they stick

You know it sounds like you could combine some of these. If you did get into animation and drawing it would be cool to make your own superhero story. With animation if you put enough practice into it I have always seen it as a limitless dump of your own imagination. Whatever your thinking, as long as you have a vision of it, you would be able to create it and bring it to life. I think that's freeing in a way. 

As for reading my first book that got me into reading during my detox was the kingkiller chronicles. It's a fantasy book but it's been extremely good and a great story to it. 

Edited by Tzen1
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Moaning and facial expression (if genuine) are still rewards for the work you put in and I would hazard a guess that it should stay that way. Myself, I do not watch porn per se, but to be honest with myself, there are some similar elements to what I sometimes do and watch compared to porn. My thinking what do I want to do about (P)MO is still somewhat hazy, though it might be that it's just a more insidious addiction than gaming, even if it takes far less time compared to gaming in my case. I have done some short no-faps in the past, so I know I could have sex once a week (preferably as a part of a relationship that's not based solely on sex), I'd most likely be able to toss it completely.

As for porn setting the example, it really only sets the primordial motivations in place. You can have a great body and be good at sex, but if you do not exercise or have sex for a year, you are gonna get worse. That's why a (reasonable) woman should be interested rather in the man's constant stream of effort (regular exercise over time), rather than the end product (perfect body). If you do that across the board of life (work, exercise, reading, hobbies, etc.), maybe then you can convince a woman that you are reliable enough to raise a child with you. It works the other way as well, but the ratio of childless women is lower than the ratio of childless men.

As for the hobbies, I discovered I like psychology. I also like to write with people a lot. Exercising and reading are sort of half and half for me; I mostly enjoy them when I do them, but it generally takes some effort to get me going on them. I did not really start on any of the hobbies I had planned on starting after Iceland yet.

Learning to enjoy the process is difficult, especially if the thing naturally does not grip you. I'm still horrible at enjoying planning my days - not that I would do nothing useful the whole day if I did not do it, but it would help me to put things into perspective and prioritize them better.

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I've found some quiet this week in my mind. I haven't watched porn since last Saturday. I think I'll do the weekly countups like I've been doing with video games. I didn't realize how tired I've been. I've been coming home and relaxing most nights. I have also made it a point to do a minimum of 10 minutes of hobbies each day so I can build the habits.

I'd like to rewire the rest of my brain. I think video games granted me a sense of achievement and social interaction where porn gives me instant gratification and fake connection with women. I've been socializing and having achievement at work which has diminished the cravings for video games so much. I now spend more time each week with women while rock climbing and socializing. I am starting to understand a little more what I'm looking for in a relationship.

My goal for quitting porn is rewiring my brain to understand instant gratification is not the way of life. I've gotten better over the year and I'd like to take it to another level. Over time my goal is to understand long term work and achievement helps bring a greater gratification, will power, and determination. Patience.

Next Saturday is a big day for me. It will mark 1 year without Facebook or social media. in 3 Saturdays it will be 1 year without facebook. This Saturday it will be 1 week without porn.

Interesting month ahead!

I do want to add that I keep seeing things on YouTube that people make that I've wanted to make for months. They get millions of views. I really need to start doing my ideas before they are all gone.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today I'm 49 weeks free from gaming, 51 weeks free from social media, and 1 week free from porn. I feel like I've made so much progress and also feel like I have so much more left to do. I spent most of today axe throwing, bowling, and hanging out with friends. It was really nice. The issue is when I got home I really felt frustrated because I wanted to keep having fun without changing pace. 

This is why I loved video games. I could just keep playing and playing. I think I need to be mindful today. If I can relax a bit today and watch the sports team I like then maybe I can ease into another fun night of hobbies.

I'd like to figure out my nightly routines. I want to try either sculpting or an art project tonight. Writing could also be an option. I'd like to give myself the confidence to keep going and be interested in something other than porn and gaming on my own. I just want to do everything as a social thing and I don't know why I want/need that. I just love being around people. There's just lots of times I sacrifice my personal interests to do something social and I don't really feel good about doing that.

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It's interesting how even after almost a year one can still see their past in a slightly different angle, interpret it differently and try to figure out what to do in the future based on that.

I understand your frustration when you parted with your friends for the night after having fun. If I socialize nicely one day, then I'm sometimes bummed I do not have the same opportunity the next day too.

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Hey men I did not read all the 23 pages of your diary, but read your history and last two months post and I am following you diary.

Edited by dasvira
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58 minutes ago, dasvira said:

Hey men I did not read all the 23 pages of your diary, but read your history and last two months post and I am following you diary.

Thanks for reading and the support! Welcome to the page and if you have any questions or need advice just ask. My posts are very open and honest. Good luck and I'll check your thread out as well. 

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I've reached a very frustrating part of my life. I don't want to do any of my fucking hobby interests. It's really pissing me off. I block aside time to work on things and I'm too tired and don't want to learn. It feels like I'm exhausted and don't want to do them at all. I get cranky and exhausted. Overwhelmed by the fact that I need to learn something new.

My issues with my hobby interests:

  1. They feel like a second job
  2. They feel like I'm going back to college
  3. I feel like I have to learn a ton of information before I can even work on the projects I'm interested in
    1. Example: I want to create a cartoon. I have to learn modeling software, learn how to draw, learn how to sculpt, etc. The tutorials for these total up to 200-300 hours depending on the classes. Adobe photoshop, illustrator, after effects, premiere, how to use a tablet, how to draw, how to use blender2.8, how to create a youtube channel
    2. I don't have the confidence or patience to open blender and just start working on it. I just feel like there's too much to learn so I don't want to learn it.
  4. Nothing I'm doing is easy or provides any results. It's all projects that take years.
  5. I like rock climbing and axe throwing because I can just do them and learn as I go and feel like I'm making progress. I have small goals like climbing 15 feet and that's it. I don't have that with these hobbies.
  6. My current hobby list:
    1. 3 books
    2. Full 30 minute episode cartoon series for 10 episodes
    3. YouTube channel with parody videos and rants
    4. Stand up comedy routines
    5. Creating a funny podcast
    6. Creating a hockey website
    7. Creating a hockey podcast again

These interests are overwhelming. I also just want to have sex. I know this is a strange segway from hobbies, but sexual frustration has definitely gotten into my head. I just feel so crushed by my need for it. I want a girlfriend. I want affection, a partner, romance, fun, exploring one another, etc.

Oddly enough I'm not craving porn. I haven't even wanted to pmo or break. I've inadvertently begun nofap when my goal was to just stop watching porn. I had the idea that I'd just do the natural thing when urges came, but I'm not craving anything.

I've had zero video game cravings, zero porn cravings, and zero fap cravings whatsoever. Not even junk food. I'm not craving anything at all. I'm either healing or heading to a depression. I think I'm healing?

Anyone have suggestions? I can't seem to narrow these hobbies.

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A lot of people really do not want to do anything after they come back home from work/school. I've realized that after 2 years of full-time studying or full-time working, basically since I got through high school. I've thought before of waking up way before going to work/school to counter that. I've had the opportunity to work afternoon shifts (1400-2200) at one point, while still waking up at 0700 as a normal person. It was an interesting experience, to use my willpower on my free time first and then use it on work. If your goals have the ability to motivate you enough to shift your waking times, then definitely shift your schedule accordingly.

Related to that, I think you might be putting too much emphasis on the end product and that helps to get you overwhelmed as well. You need to see some growth; life would be fairly boring too, if you were able to get everything done in one go in a few hours.

Myself, back in May/June, I complained to a friend that making a website for my business would take too much time. He happened to know of txti, so I picked it up, created a single page in two hours and wrote what is my business about in a basic form. It's been the same ever since I wrote it three months ago, but I at least I have something to go on when I'll be creating my own real website eventually.

Another example of that would be me taking on the Gulag Archipelago. I am about 70 pages in. The total number of pages in the book is 2100 (that is why it comes in three volumes). If I read 10 pages a day, it will still take me over half a year to read it, yet again, I'm too curious about the book to just dismiss it just because I can't read it in a day.

I also think my long-term projects are more loosely defined, if they are defined at all, so that helps me with freeing up my hands and establishing some basic habits, without worrying too much about the end goals. I get a bit scared just looking at your list of goals, as I know it would overwhelm me as well. I think the only goal I currently have that is neatly defined is that I want to get my university degree in two years and that time-span is not something I get to manipulate with (in a way that I could shorten it anyway). Every other goal is up to me and my ability to set it up so that it satisfies me.

I know you're aware of it, but having sex as a part of something bigger is a good idea. Sex is no joke and you want to do it with someone you can trust, on the off-chance you might have kids with them. You don't want to be like the woman trying to kiss you on the first date. That's a difference between a position of power and a position of desperation.

Edited by Ikar

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

A lot of people really do not want to do anything after they come back home from work/school. I've realized that after 2 years of full-time studying or full-time working, basically since I got through high school. I've thought before of waking up way before going to work/school to counter that. I've had the opportunity to work afternoon shifts (1400-2200) at one point, while still waking up at 0700 as a normal person. It was an interesting experience, to use my willpower on my free time first and then use it on work. If your goals have the ability to motivate you enough to shift your waking times, then definitely shift your schedule accordingly.

Related to that, I think you might be putting too much emphasis on the end product and that helps to get you overwhelmed as well. You need to see some growth; life would be fairly boring too, if you were able to get everything done in one go in a few hours.

Myself, back in May/June, I complained to a friend that making a website for my business would take too much time. He happened to know of txti, so I picked it up, created a single page in two hours and wrote what is my business about in a basic form. It's been the same ever since I wrote it three months ago, but I at least I have something to go on when I'll be creating my own real website eventually.

Another example of that would be me taking on the Gulag Archipelago. I am about 70 pages in. The total number of pages in the book is 2100 (that is why it comes in three volumes). If I read 10 pages a day, it will still take me over half a year to read it, yet again, I'm too curious about the book to just dismiss it just because I can't read it in a day.

I also think my long-term projects are more loosely defined, if they are defined at all, so that helps me with freeing up my hands and establishing some basic habits, without worrying too much about the end goals. I get a bit scared just looking at your list of goals, as I know it would overwhelm me as well. I think the only goal I currently have that is neatly defined is that I want to get my university degree in two years and that time-span is not something I get to manipulate with (in a way that I could shorten it anyway). Every other goal is up to me and my ability to set it up so that it satisfies me.

I know you're aware of it, but having sex as a part of something bigger is a good idea. Sex is no joke and you want to do it with someone you can trust, on the off-chance you might have kids with them. You don't want to be like the woman trying to kiss you on the first date. That's a difference between a position of power and a position of desperation.

Thank you for this. I was honestly about to register for online communities to have sex partners. I'm not lying. I want to have sex so badly I can't stand it. I meet women very easily though and I met another one today in my apartment building so maybe there's hope there. But for something bigger like a relationship. I sometimes fantasize about finding sex partners online and then finding one I gel with and we end up dating after. Lots of people use these apps as casual flings and sidefucks that turn into something bigger. I wonder if that is what I need. I really just want to fuck around and meet someone. But it can be risky with STDs and children potential. Who knows how many people the people on these sites sleep with.

I just lack a sense of purpose. Quitting work made me realize how important work was to making money and sustaining a healthy lifestyle with fewer issues regarding bills, housing, food, and products. It also provides a schedule and purpose for the day and potentially life.

The issue is when I'm alone I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to doing. People say that hobbies are things you think about at work and can't wait to do. I had that feeling with video games and porn and just associated them with addiction. With that way of thinking I just assumed anything I'm excited about is just a distraction from work and an addiction I can't keep my mind off of doing.

The way people describe their hobbies reminds me of addiction. They can't wait to do them. They think about them all the time. They create plans with them for the future. They feel wonderful while doing them.

The difference is gaming made me sick. I wouldn't eat food, drink water, or sleep. I wouldn't do my responsibilities, and I wouldn't do anything except play. I couldn't stop playing. If I lost in the game I'd fight harder to persevere and win. I became the best in the world by my addicted work ethic. I got there with hate as well. I hated everyone else and wanted them to know I was the best and they can eat shit when they play me. I wanted to punish whoever I played and it made my ego swell. I was such an elitist.

That's the difference. I want the passion and excitement that comes with creativity and play. I want to get ideas for things and do them healthily. I still don't understand the difference most of the time. The comedy ideas I want to do I just want to prove that I'm funnier than everyone else so others acknowledge me. I'll elaborate in another post.

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Hobby Issues

I'm going to try to process my ideas for hobbies and understand why I'm interested and why I'm not. This post will identify my reasons for wanting to try these hobbies and note the feelings I feel when trying to pursue them. This will be a long post so if you read it fully I'll be extremely thankful for your thoughts and feedback as this is the major reason I quit gaming in the first place. 

  1. Write 3 books
    1. I want to write these books because I think they'd be good stories. I enjoy creating the characters and seeing where they'll go. I want people to read the book and like it. I want to make money from it.
    2. Each book will take at least a year to write, edit, contact a publisher, go through that process, and get it out there. It's a hassle. I get demoralized by trying to create and write the book. I have specific ideas for the book, but I don't want to take the time to populate the linking stories that bring the reader to the primary and secondary conflicts. I think it's isolating and not fun. I am afraid to set it up and just get caught up writing my story outlines instead of the actual story. I'm too tired most of the time and when I have free time I just want to have fun. This doesn't bring feelings of fun to me. I think I'd be good at it. I hate to read unless I find a rare book that captivates me.
  2. Full 30 minute episode cartoon series for 10 episodes
    1. I want people to watch it. I want to create a community of viewers for the show. I want to write funny stories and see how it develops. I want to make money from it. I love the characters I've created. I find the story I've imagined compelling. I've dreamed of making it for years. I'll feel disappointed and upset if I don't make it.
    2. It's such a hassle. I need to create scripts, learn to draw, learn to animate, voice act, sound effects, license music or create it on my own, create a pitch, meet with artists so I don't have to draw, pay animators thousands of dollars ($3,000 per minute of animation), find sound producers, dedicate hours and hours to this each day for years, contact networks, learn how to pitch my cartoon properly, keep having studio meetings for creativity and production, etc. It's such an overwhelming list and it makes me not enjoy a thing. I really just hate the thing and only do it because I think it's a good idea. I think I'd be good at it. I don't enjoy the process for any of the activities. I want to be a character in the show more than I actually want to create it. I feel like it's more of an obligation than a dream.
  3. YouTube channel with parody videos and rants
    1. I absolutely love the feeling I get when I make a parody of something. It makes me feel free and my truest self. I can relieve so much stress and create something I'm passionate about. I love laughing. I love making people laugh and I love the attention it brings me. I want to be funny and act things out. I want to portray the funny things I see in the serious and complicated sides of life. I want to cheer people up. I want to be that reality check in life to get people to stop worrying about their problems and just put a smile on their faces. It makes me feel good about myself in a positive way. I think it would be fun to film funny things and learn to edit them.
    2. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I get embarrassed easily.
  4. Stand up comedy routines
    1. I love making people laugh. I love socializing. I want to be connected to people and feel the energy in the room at my fingertips. I want to tell people my stories and explain how I see things in daily life. I want to bring a new light to comedy. A light that doesn't focus on the same cliche jokes revolving around religion, dating, politics, and gender differences. That's so fucking old. Get a new brain. I want the attention and I love to laugh. I want to push my boundaries and see where it goes. I felt amazing after my routine last April. I was excited for several days and felt so confident. People's laughter fuels my passion for life.
    2. I'm afraid of bombing and being a failure. I hate repeating the same jokes and I'm worried I'd have to keep doing that. I didn't like how nervous I got before going up on stage when I did it.
  5. Creating a funny podcast
    1. I want people to listen to me. I want to create something funny that people can turn on. I want to make money off of it. I want to do it with people so I can talk to them and socialize.
    2. I don't really want to do it alone. It's not as funny with other people. I don't have a concrete idea. I'm not really interested in just ranting about something. I just want to interact with others and feel like I'm part of a community. I'm not really interested in this now that I'm writing this bullet out.
  6. Creating a hockey website/Podcast
    1. I love hockey. It's my favorite thing in the world. I can talk about hockey all day and night. I love the Boston Bruins. I want to talk about them all day, learn about their history, watch the games, watch extra footage, share stories with other fans, celebrate with other fans and connect with them, and be more involved with it. I love the lore of the game, I love the jerseys, I love the passion of the game, and everything else involved. It's the greatest thing in the world in my opinion. Nothing is better than seeing the Boston Bruins win. It fills my heart with more joy than anything. Seeing them score and screaming for them is my favorite.
    2. If I created a committed hobby out of this I'd be worried about not wanting to watch the games as much. I'm afraid it's a niche market that nobody really cares about and wonder if it's a waste of time.
  7. Learning 3d modeling/Digital Art, Video Editing, Animation
    1. I think it would be cool to create something amazing in here. It would be cool to make a movie or something funny for people to watch. I really wanted to create 3D porn and I'm embarrassed to say that.
    2. It's a huge hassle and I don't really want to learn the software. I already learn so much software at work and do boring stuff on the computer. I don't really have a project I'm interested in creating. I just enjoy watching movies with cool effects but I don't really care for making them myself. It seems like a hassle and i don't feel like learning it. I'm intimidated by how much work it takes to learn. It doesn't really seem relaxing to me. It's more like stress and homework.I think I'd be good at it once I put the time in. I think the 3D porn would just get me into a weird rabbit hole. I'd be creating weird stuff that's not healthy. It would get me more addicted to porn and separate my sense of reality. I couldn't share it with anyone and if I met a woman I'd have to hide it from her. I also hate watching 3D porn. I feel sick after watching it. I don't understand why I want to watch it or make it. It might be my former addiction to video games and characters. I remember playing Dead or Alive 3 as a kid and the women had huge tits and no clothes and it was easy to be aroused by them. I used to draw my own nude versions of them as a kid and got very excited by doing this. 3D porn would be a huge passion for me probably, but I feel it would isolate me from true love.
  8. Yoga/Gym
    1. Both make me feel good afterwards. I enjoy not focusing on the day in front of me. I like the tranquility of yoga and the savasana afterwards. I like how quiet it is and how I can mentally recover. I like the feeling the stretching has on my body and how I can connect with the instructors. I like getting stronger after the gym. It fills me with confidence about my body and appearance. I also feel safer in a fight or if I need to lift something or perform better physically in various tasks. I love the way my body feels after pushing and pulling hard.
    2. Sometimes yoga feels like a hassle and I don't need it. I just want to relax sometimes with it. If I go too often I start to wonder if I'm stretching enough and making progress. I'm not getting better at it. That kind of defeats the purpose of yoga. It's supposed to be a mindful place of restoration. The gym pisses me off because the equipment I want to use might be taken. The music there is terrible. I get very angry about routines. I always feel like I'm never following the right routine. There are too many trainers who say they can teach you better things. I don't want to do different exercises each week for the same body parts. That being said I get bored of the gym easily. I might have better luck doing one thing for a month and switching. I also don't see a purpose in training. I don't want to cut or bulk and feel like I have no goals other than feeling good afterwards and most of the time I don't have time for that. It just feels like an obligation or a job.
  9. Rock Climbing
    1. I have so much fun climbing. I love going there and socializing with my friends. I like the variety of the climbs and the challenges they present me. I like to improve and try to climb new things. The routes are physically expressive and the rewards for climbing each route are great. I feel wonderful and get a huge feeling of accomplishment from climbing new routes. It's such a rush. I get very excited after climbing a new route. It makes me want to get stronger and more flexible to try new things and progress. I've met lots of friends there so far and just fit in real well with all of them. There's also lots of attractive women there who talk to you and you can connect with them quickly.
    2. I'm afraid of heights. I lose my strength sometimes if I don't use proper technique. It's very expensive. You can get hurt.
  10. Fantasy Hockey
    1. I like drafting a team and trying to win my league. It's creative and competitive. I like to play against my friends and talk hockey with all of them. I love tracking players and seeing how they develop. It gets me even more interested in hockey which I thought was impossible. I just love stats and learning about players. It gives me something to look forward to with hockey season and a quick escape from my day without being addicted.
    2. I forget to set my roster sometimes and it pisses me off lol. Nothing really. Sometimes a person stops setting their rosters and it's an instant win.
  11. Watching Hockey
    1. This is my favorite thing in the world. I love sitting down and watching a game whether it's alone or with others. I love listening to the announcer and color commentator tell the story of the game and discuss the events taking place. I love cheering for my favorite team. I love celebrating moments. I love the pace of the game. I love seeing the sport. It's fascinating to watch and has an amazing team flow. The physicality is admirable and heroic. It inspires you to live and enjoy life. Being a true fan makes you part of the team. I feel like I'm part of the team when they win or lose. I love cheering for them and I feel like they play and play for me. I feel like they can raise my spirits when I'm down.
    2. When they lose I'm in a terrible mood. This past spring we lost in the Stanley Cup finals and it was utterly heartbreaking. Just a disaster to lose after a magical year like that. It sickens me.
  12. Watching Movies and TV shows
    1. I love the feeling of being absorbed into a great show or movie. They can inspire me in so many ways. I love the way a good story comes together, great acting, perfect music for scenes, being surprised, falling in love with characters or their world, and just enjoy the effect they have on me. I can escape from reality, watch with friends, talk about them with friends, feel like I'm learning something, etc.
    2. Binge watching shows gives me brain fog so I try to avoid it.

Thank you for reading. This took me 1.5 hours to write. I'll respond to it tomorrow when I read it with fresh eyes and talk about it with my therapist. I need this because I want to enjoy my time in life. I don't want to live to go to work. I want to have passions outside of work and outside of addictions to gaming in a community I love.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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19 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Hobby Issues

I'm going to try to process my ideas for hobbies and understand why I'm interested and why I'm not. This post will identify my reasons for wanting to try these hobbies and note the feelings I feel when trying to pursue them. This will be a long post so if you read it fully I'll be extremely thankful for your thoughts and feedback as this is the major reason I quit gaming in the first place. 

(....)

Hello man! You seen to have some solid plans for your life! I advice you to not be so worried about the cons of creating movies, series or books because you will never find an easy or painless job... So it is better to stick with the one you think you have the most talent (personally I like the Idea of the cartoons).

I would like to strongly (but respectfully) discourage you about getting mixed up with the porn industry since I think it doesn't have a good impact on society.

I think it is an amazing ideas to replace your old bad habits with new wholesome ones! I have great experiences with gym and taking meditation classes at São Paulo's Soto Zen Buddhist nunnery, so I believe that going to the gym and yoga will be very good for you!

I am not sure about watching shows and movies though. I know everyone is different and I know many people who can control themselves with those. But I cant control myself when it comes to most entertainment form and TV shows can become really addictive and unhealthy to me.

 

Kind regards, David.

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Hey dude, in regards to your hobbies and ambitions, I'd say just go for it. It's a huuuuuuuge load anyways. If these are the things you want to do and make you happy, don't stop yourself. Don't push yourself and expect amazing things on day 1, but enjoy the process. I started writing screenplays this year. I might do something with those this year or the next or whenever, but the point is that they are there. They're finished. The investment is complete. The next step is ready. It's like giving yourself 10 mountains to climb. That's okay! Enjoy the hikes! And maybe you switch mountains midway. It's great you've figured out these mountains are YOUR mountains to conquer and enjoy. But just don't expect yourself to climb all 10 at the same time and at top speed.

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I was thinking how smart and developed I would be, when I got into a relationship quite late (I was 20 and nicely addicted to games at that point), but it ended in the stellar fashion of teenage relationships. There was intimacy and passion, but no real trust. I think sex nails the first two nicely, but I think it clouds the third element very well as well. Sex is emotional.

Trust, on the other hand, seems like more of a "cold" virtue. You can reliably trust a friend who comes 9 times out of 10 to meet up in a bar to come the 11th time. I think once you are on the "casual sex" train, it gets pretty easy to just quit on anyone once things get uncomfortable, because you know there's that another woman who you do not have an issue with.

I think the point the teenage relationships mostly fail is that nobody has an agenda of what they want and why they want it. Both just decide that they look good and get together. Now that's a pretty broad selection, if I can say that some 20-30% of females (-+5 years of my age) seem physically attractive to me.

The choice is yours, but I think fucking around is gonna fuck you up.

On the hobby list, I second what @Phoenixking wrote. You have a ton of ideas, you just have to take action on them. Do not try to take on all of them at the same time in a single day. Rather, try to think of how much time do you want to put into them. Do you want to rock climb every day? If so, does that make the gym redundant? Maybe you'll end up tossing half the ideas and you'll come up with new ones.

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Thank you three for the support and responses. I waited until I had some time to digest my thoughts and talk to my therapist to respond. 

I get in phases where I think in black and white too much and that's a problem. It took da Vinci years to paint the mona lisa and it takes authors years to write books. I don't have to abandon my hobbies or interests. I need to develop the strategy I have with my anger which is recognizing when I'm getting angry and act to disengage from it. If I recognize the anxiety I have regarding hobbies then I'll quell my displeasure and expectations with myself. 

I get in the mood to do hobbies and then I don't want to do them for a while. That's fine. I'm gonna do that. 

My plan now is work on my hockey website, rock climbing, and go to stand up comedy shows and eventually perform. Some nights I might want to draw. I want to develop an understanding of myself where I know what I want to do for a week and then do something new after. 

I also agree with you guys about the random sex idea. It's not worth it. I don't want to risk STDs and the stigma regarding that activity. I'd rather just fall in love with someone somehow. 

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Today marks 50 weeks free from video games and 1 whole year away from social media! I'm so proud of myself.

Quitting social media was a major step in reducing my stress. I used to purposefully search for people in comment sections saying stupid things so I could take my anger out on them. I'd say terrible things to them for being stupid. It was wrong of me and was turning me into a sour person. I recognized I was searching for them to reduce my stress, yell at them, but also affirm my "belief" that society was stupid and not worth it. 

I have learned to make new friends over this past year and change my outlook on life. I'm less angry and depressed. I don't feel activated all of the time and ready to argue. I just feel more at peace. I highly suggest people quit social media if they're doing anything similar to what I was doing.

My financial status has been an interesting one. I feel like I've been spending too much money on food, drinks, and other things recently. This also combines with the dating where the guy always has to pay for the meals. I'm not really interested in doing this anymore. I want to meal prep more on Sundays, find some new recipes, and also find some cheaper activities. I'm going to cancel my gym membership and I need to stop doing expensive activities with people for the sake of not being lonely. I spent a few hundred dollars last weekend with friends and I am disappointed with myself. I had fun, but I also need to be more patient with myself and not panic hangout. 

I will say the one negative to quitting video games is a lot of the hobbies I'm interested in trying all cost money. Video games only cost $5/month for RuneScape subscription costs. Rock Climbing is $120/month, the gym is another $20/month, I'm paying for adobe creative suite which I don't use that is $30/month. I am also going out to eat 3-4 days per week which is anywhere from $200-300/month on top of food that goes bad which is another $50/month.

I used to be very avid in not eating out so I have no issues going back to it. I think it's a no brainer to quit my gym membership and meal prep. 

I feel much less pressure this week regarding hobbies now that I've put my cartoon aside and my books. I think I want to just focus on stuff I'm in the mood to focus on. Right now it's more of wanting to focus on hockey, comedy, and rock climbing. I also recognize I've been stressed with work and working overtime. So I'm not pressuring myself as much.

 

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Congrats on making it to 50 weeks! I remember when I first started posting here your journal was in its early stages, so it's crazy to see how far you've come since then. It makes me feel a little sad because I feel like I could have been where you are if I had just stayed focused. You seem to have reached a point of mental clarity and self-contentedness that I'm still trying to find, and you do a lot of awesome stuff with your free time. I don't think you'll need it, but best of luck getting through the last two weeks. Hope I can get to where you are someday!

 

Edited by Deku
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