Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Don't give up, you are still sane and you always had much energy. Your mom shouldn't be offended you want to buy a home, she should be glad her son is capable of taking care of himself and wants to emancipate.

Your feelings makes me think about my mom. When I don't see her I miss her, but when I'm with her more than 1 day per week I start suffocating a bit... Lesson : when you need space, don't count on your parents !

When human solutions doesn't work, one should try divine ones. I suggest you try praying the rosary if you are faithful, especially when it's so hard to resist porn cravings, It's the only thing that has always worked for me.

 

Edited by Mouxine
add something
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now.

Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks.  I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw.  They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building.  They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market.

I also had the chance to buy my dream condo.  It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook.  I could really see myself living there.  I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready.  I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired.  I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping.  The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really?  I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted.

I started to cry.

I didn't want to buy this condo.  It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized.

I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years.  I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life.  I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals.  I then met my friend and told her my story.  She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams.  She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice.  I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception.  The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card.  Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling.  I was elated.

The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face.  I couldn't focus on work or anything.  I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades.  The day dragged on, though.  I kept looking at the clock.  Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take.  It was my most unproductive week in months.

The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice.  I was done with this for right now.  My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything.  It was clear I have a direction I need to follow.  I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work.  I also want to continue developing myself.  I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood.  I want to support my dreams and myself.  This is all attainable.  I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose.  I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment.  I see my future and want it.  But I also see the journey and am excited for it.

I'll keep people updated.  This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions.  Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout.  I love life too much for that.  I will win and I will enjoy it.

Matt

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I prayed for you and I'm glad you found some light and hope for a happy life ! There will be some trials surely, but finding a motivating path is a huge gift already, I hope you will succeed !

Maybe you could record an audio file so we can hear you too. I'm curious of your natural talent !

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Mouxine said:

I prayed for you and I'm glad you found some light and hope for a happy life ! There will be some trials surely, but finding a motivating path is a huge gift already, I hope you will succeed !

Maybe you could record an audio file so we can hear you too. I'm curious of your natural talent !

Thank you.  I sure will get my content online and create a business.  I'm currently structuring what I'd like my business to be like because I have multiple avenues I'd succeed in and just want to make sure I find the correct combination for profit and happiness.  I appreciate the support.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/4/2019 at 5:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now.

Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks.  I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw.  They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building.  They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market.

I also had the chance to buy my dream condo.  It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook.  I could really see myself living there.  I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready.  I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired.  I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping.  The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really?  I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted.

I started to cry.

I didn't want to buy this condo.  It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized.

I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years.  I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life.  I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals.  I then met my friend and told her my story.  She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams.  She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice.  I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception.  The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card.  Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling.  I was elated.

The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face.  I couldn't focus on work or anything.  I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades.  The day dragged on, though.  I kept looking at the clock.  Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take.  It was my most unproductive week in months.

The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice.  I was done with this for right now.  My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything.  It was clear I have a direction I need to follow.  I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work.  I also want to continue developing myself.  I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood.  I want to support my dreams and myself.  This is all attainable.  I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose.  I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment.  I see my future and want it.  But I also see the journey and am excited for it.

I'll keep people updated.  This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions.  Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout.  I love life too much for that.  I will win and I will enjoy it.

Matt

I sometimes feel impaired. When reading your journal I start thinking that you're so free when you get older. Now I still in school and I have to adapt myself to it. There is barely room to change something because homework and so drains most of my time. I hope if I get to university I have more possibilities. Or is that just an illusion?

Thank you so much Matt for sharing all this!

Cheers!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Sapuverell said:

I sometimes feel impaired. When reading your journal I start thinking that you're so free when you get older. Now I still in school and I have to adapt myself to it. There is barely room to change something because homework and so drains most of my time. I hope if I get to university I have more possibilities. Or is that just an illusion?

Thank you so much Matt for sharing all this!

Cheers!

It's a mixed bag.  Free from school? Maybe, but I had to work full time while getting my undergraduate and graduate degrees, which I have to say are incredibly more difficult than high school.  I'm not trying to have a condescending tone with this either, but I don't want you also thinking that things get easier.  You have more responsibilities when you age, but you will grow to be able to handle them as you find your independence and expand your world.  

You'll be able to study what you want hopefully and be able to spend time with people you want to spend time with.  I had to work full time at a job I did not like and then spend 20-40 hours per week outside of work doing school so I had little freedom.  I would desperately turn to porn and video games to feel better because of my imbalance in life.  If I spent all this time being unhappy then porn and video games would release enough dopamine to get a stone happy.  I could only carry on for so long with this mentality.  Happiness and freedom come from within.  I had to wait 20 years to find mine and I hope you can find yours sooner.  If you're already focused on self improvement now then I think you'll find it and are setting yourself up for success.

Keep up the good work and feel free to read through people's journals to see what they struggle with and if you can relate, maybe you can learn more about yourself than you initially thought.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/4/2019 at 5:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now.

Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks.  I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw.  They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building.  They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market.

I also had the chance to buy my dream condo.  It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook.  I could really see myself living there.  I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready.  I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired.  I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping.  The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really?  I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted.

I started to cry.

I didn't want to buy this condo.  It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized.

I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years.  I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life.  I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals.  I then met my friend and told her my story.  She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams.  She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice.  I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception.  The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card.  Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling.  I was elated.

The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face.  I couldn't focus on work or anything.  I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades.  The day dragged on, though.  I kept looking at the clock.  Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take.  It was my most unproductive week in months.

The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice.  I was done with this for right now.  My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything.  It was clear I have a direction I need to follow.  I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work.  I also want to continue developing myself.  I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood.  I want to support my dreams and myself.  This is all attainable.  I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose.  I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment.  I see my future and want it.  But I also see the journey and am excited for it.

I'll keep people updated.  This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions.  Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout.  I love life too much for that.  I will win and I will enjoy it.

Matt

Wow dude, tbh I haven't read much of the rest of your journal but this post was really huge. Big moments in your life happening right now.

I'm also trying to quit gaming and porn simultaneously while struggling with my own kind of career/life crisis. As strange as it might sound, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there fighting this battle. It seems like you're on the right path, I'll try to follow in your footsteps. Stay strong!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, ElectroNugget said:

Wow dude, tbh I haven't read much of the rest of your journal but this post was really huge. Big moments in your life happening right now.

I'm also trying to quit gaming and porn simultaneously while struggling with my own kind of career/life crisis. As strange as it might sound, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there fighting this battle. It seems like you're on the right path, I'll try to follow in your footsteps. Stay strong!

Thank you.  I'm glad I can be relatable to you and hopefully provide some perspective.  In my opinion gaming is easier to quit than porn.  When I quit gaming I leaned heavily on the porn.  I have failed quitting porn multiple times because initially I was 6 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn.  I'm now 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn.

Something that has helped me has unfortunately been a mix of love and hate.  I had to develop a hatred for the porn and gaming habits.  This included the communities as well.  I'm still dealing with cravings for porn, but I've really felt more strength as of late with the pursuit of my hobbies and allowing myself to be happy.  

I'm upset because I spent so long in school and work developing my career, but I don't regret it.  It's going to fund my small business idea.  I'm going to try and make something of myself in the next year and learn to appreciate myself along the way.  I was so successful in engineering, but found I was sacrificing happiness and pleasure in life.  I want to smile from the inside.I want to appreciate moments of the day, not wait for the day to go away so I can enjoy moments in the future.

I'll make sure to follow your journey.  Feel free to tag along with mine as I post.  I'll be making videos about my journey as well soon.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Catherine17 said:

Hey, @BooksandTrees! Congratulations on your success in stand-up and finding your way. I can feel the determination in your words and it makes me really happy for you. Keep it up and best of luck to you!

Thank you. I'll keep you guys updated and I think I'll be creating my own website soon. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This last week of work has been such a struggle. 2 deadlines and I'm unbelievably burnt out. 

I'm close though. I gotta stay strong. 

I hope you're doing well. I had a similar situation lately and it really helped me to take one day off and relax and just calm once again.

Sometimes we're too hard on ourself. I mean I really love people who try to get their act together and can accept criticism and are willing to work on themselve, but sometimes at least I think I froget how hard all of this is. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/4/2019 at 10:45 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now.

Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks.  I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw.  They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building.  They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market.

I also had the chance to buy my dream condo.  It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook.  I could really see myself living there.  I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready.  I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired.  I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping.  The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really?  I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted.

I started to cry.

I didn't want to buy this condo.  It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized.

I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years.  I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life.  I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals.  I then met my friend and told her my story.  She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams.  She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice.  I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception.  The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card.  Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling.  I was elated.

The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face.  I couldn't focus on work or anything.  I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades.  The day dragged on, though.  I kept looking at the clock.  Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take.  It was my most unproductive week in months.

The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice.  I was done with this for right now.  My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything.  It was clear I have a direction I need to follow.  I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work.  I also want to continue developing myself.  I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood.  I want to support my dreams and myself.  This is all attainable.  I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose.  I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment.  I see my future and want it.  But I also see the journey and am excited for it.

I'll keep people updated.  This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions.  Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout.  I love life too much for that.  I will win and I will enjoy it.

Matt

WOW! I'm happy for you. You are very brave!

I quit my job a month ago. I will write more about what's going on in my life in about a week when I am less busy.

I wouldn't say that quitting my job made me immediately happy. In fact, for the first week, I was confused and stressed. But I have been better and I know for sure that quitting is the right decision.

A few tips learned from my own mistakes: 1) Do not stay home all day. Even if you are setting up a home office. It's a good idea to work a few hours in a cafe or a library or somewhere else every day. 2) It's helpful to set a quitting time every day that separates your work life from the other parts of your life. 

And good luck!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Silverlining said:

WOW! I'm happy for you. You are very brave!

I quit my job a month ago. I will write more about what's going on in my life in about a week when I am less busy.

I wouldn't say that quitting my job made me immediately happy. In fact, for the first week, I was confused and stressed. But I have been better and I know for sure that quitting is the right decision.

A few tips learned from my own mistakes: 1) Do not stay home all day. Even if you are setting up a home office. It's a good idea to work a few hours in a cafe or a library or somewhere else every day. 2) It's helpful to set a quitting time every day that separates your work life from the other parts of your life. 

And good luck!

I'm so glad to hear from you again. Congratulations on your new endeavor in life and I can't wait to hear your story. Thank you for your response and I'm excited. I'm scared of my future but I'm ready for my next challenge. I'm ready for where my passion will take me. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I ran into my father tonight after not seeing him for 8 years. Very strange for me. I've been thinking of communicating with him again, but it's been difficult to find time and the correct words. I find it interesting how i've made the choice to quit work and focus on my life and depression and I meet a woman and then see my dad. Who knows. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HOLY SHIT. 

 

I've been off the radar for a while. I've missed watching likeminded people struggle and succeed. You are doing great man. It's lovely to read what steps you've been taking and what amazing progress you've been making!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm officially done with my old job and I'm pretty happy about it.  I feel guilty at times because I spent so long working on getting my degrees and pursuing these careers, but at the end of the day I look back at the multiple instances of me staring at the clock and desperately needing to get out.  I'd leave the office every 30 minutes to 1 hour and pace around the parking lot just day dreaming about what my life could be like if I had the courage to follow my dreams.

I'm very disappointed and, to be quite honest, feel sick about how my experience with engineering went.  There are some people I've met who will hopefully always be my friend and I'll cherish that.  The things that bothered me were how robotic the environments were.  Bosses never spoke to people below them unless it was for a project being due or they felt guilty about not talking so they gave a half-assed attempt to ask how their weekend was or if they are doing anything upcoming weekend.  Little effort was put in to asking about hobbies, loved ones, or life interests.  I've found the culture to be drowning in "I come to work to work and leave.  I work to live. It pays the bills.  Work isn't supposed to be fun." Fuck that.  I refuse to turn out that way.  It makes me furious.  Live life with some fucking passion.  

I think the path will be interesting for me.  One of the reasons I wanted to quit my job and focus on myself was the fact that I don't really do anything for fun at all.  I hang out with friends sometimes, but I still haven't focused on the hobbies I've wanted to explore.

This is a little difficult because the projects I want to turn into money makers such as my cartoon, writing, blogging, and creating content on YouTube, podcasting, and social media are the hobbies and lifestyle I want to live.  So I constantly get people telling me to take a break and go to the beach or relax a little bit, where I just want to get to work immediately and get life going.

The goal for me quitting work is to explore life and live with intention and happiness.  I want to wake up and feel the desire to work on things I'm interested in or plan days out where I want to visit the beach or hike.  I want to travel to a town or brewery because I want to go there.  A struggle that I've not dealt with since quitting video games is what to do after work.  I'd just sit there and get stuff done because I was too afraid and too burnt out and unmotivated to do anything after work.  I'd get all this energy during the day, but then get anxiety at night when thinking of something to do because I knew I was going to get tired and got depressed about returning to work the next day.  It was an endless spiral downward in a cycle going nowhere.

I think the right thing to do here is continue what I've been doing.  I need to follow my heart and allow it to give me some motivation.  I want to go to the gym, do yoga, write, take classes, make funny videos, and be productive.  I have a mind where I want to be doing something and create things.  I shouldn't be punishing myself for this.  I want to write and make things.  I think it is fun.  

Ideally, I feel best when I go to yoga, go to the gym, rock climb, exercise, write, and tell jokes.  I'm just going to slowly try doing these things and see what happens.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...