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BooksandTrees

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Take a breather, there, good buddy. You really need to work on fixing that infernal internal monologue of yours 😕 I get it, though. I used to have one of those little devils perched on my shoulder and man, was I glad went it went away.

You judge yourself too harshly, guy. And then you get pissed of about that and then you judge yourself for getting pissed off and you get even more pissed of because you notice yourself noticing it. It's a clusterfuckcycle. Try and realize that it doesn't actually serve a purpose. There's nothing you're going to gain from this, dude. Quite the opposite. Just try and relax a little bit and just exist. Don't push yourself towards anything if you feel another episode of anger and frustration coming up. Meditation (and a very specific quote from Kimmy Schmidt) has taught me that it's okay to just be for a couple of seconds sometimes. There's nobody screaming bloody murder if you just sit down on your bed, read a book and just exist for a while. Not living, not running from A to B, just sitting down and being you for a sec. It can leave you rather peaceful and put things into perspective.

Or whatever. Who am I to tell you what to do ^^ But if you'd like some advice, taking it easy (as in relaxing or being kind to yourself or cutting another person some slack) has more benefits than constantly pushing yourself towards new ends.

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Take a breather, there, good buddy. You really need to work on fixing that infernal internal monologue of yours 😕 I get it, though. I used to have one of those little devils perched on my shoulder and man, was I glad went it went away.

You judge yourself too harshly, guy. And then you get pissed of about that and then you judge yourself for getting pissed off and you get even more pissed of because you notice yourself noticing it. It's a clusterfuckcycle. Try and realize that it doesn't actually serve a purpose. There's nothing you're going to gain from this, dude. Quite the opposite. Just try and relax a little bit and just exist. Don't push yourself towards anything if you feel another episode of anger and frustration coming up. Meditation (and a very specific quote from Kimmy Schmidt) has taught me that it's okay to just be for a couple of seconds sometimes. There's nobody screaming bloody murder if you just sit down on your bed, read a book and just exist for a while. Not living, not running from A to B, just sitting down and being you for a sec. It can leave you rather peaceful and put things into perspective.

Or whatever. Who am I to tell you what to do ^^ But if you'd like some advice, taking it easy (as in relaxing or being kind to yourself or cutting another person some slack) has more benefits than constantly pushing yourself towards new ends.

I'm trying, but I get in these situations at work where the project I'm doing is so difficult and has a tight budget. So I feel stupid, slow, then pressured because I'm wasting time and money. Then it looks bad on me and I might not get a good review. It's just a heavy guilty conscience and apparently it's for no reason at all. 

I get this failure feeling and I'd feel ignorant and entitled if I just said oh, I'm struggling, I will just take a breather. It makes me feel selfish for not going 100% all of the time. I understand what you're saying, but I just have a very heavy work ethic and I feel like a slacker if I give myself a break because I'm not putting the company first when they're paying me. I'd be putting myself first and I struggle with that. 

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53 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm trying, but I get in these situations at work where the project I'm doing is so difficult and has a tight budget. So I feel stupid, slow, then pressured because I'm wasting time and money. Then it looks bad on me and I might not get a good review. It's just a heavy guilty conscience and apparently it's for no reason at all. 

I get this failure feeling and I'd feel ignorant and entitled if I just said oh, I'm struggling, I will just take a breather. It makes me feel selfish for not going 100% all of the time. I understand what you're saying, but I just have a very heavy work ethic and I feel like a slacker if I give myself a break because I'm not putting the company first when they're paying me. I'd be putting myself first and I struggle with that. 

1

I think you would benefit quite a bit from reading the Subtle art of not giving a f#ck by Mark Manson. It's really important to reserve caring for certain things; if you seemingly care for every aspect of your work it'll affect both your productivity and mental health in negative ways. The problem with your situation is while you control the amount of effort you throw in, the outcome can often be a product of lots of other factors. I know it's kind of contradictory to how we are designed but you need to focus on the steps to reach the outcome, the effort and carefulness your exhibit to finish the project. Once those things become your focus not only will you be less overwhelmed but your results will also improve, and trust me on this once I started to think this way I became an A student. 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm trying, but I get in these situations at work where the project I'm doing is so difficult and has a tight budget. So I feel stupid, slow, then pressured because I'm wasting time and money. Then it looks bad on me and I might not get a good review. It's just a heavy guilty conscience and apparently it's for no reason at all. 

I get this failure feeling and I'd feel ignorant and entitled if I just said oh, I'm struggling, I will just take a breather. It makes me feel selfish for not going 100% all of the time. I understand what you're saying, but I just have a very heavy work ethic and I feel like a slacker if I give myself a break because I'm not putting the company first when they're paying me. I'd be putting myself first and I struggle with that. 

Take it easy. You are not a computer. As a human being, you are expected to take breaks. This is the way how the brain works. And your company and boss know that. They expect their employees to have ups and downs, it's a part of risk control.

Also when you are stuck at a problem, it is advised by neuroscientists that you should shift your mind to something else, to meditate, or to exercise.

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1 hour ago, AndrewPekarsky said:

I think you would benefit quite a bit from reading the Subtle art of not giving a f#ck by Mark Manson.

Omfg, this book is da bomb! I got so much mental peace from this book and the lessons it gave me. Can't recommend enough.

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Thank you for the responses. I'm noticing how difficult I'm being on myself and it's just so tough to deal with. Even little things im just berating myself for being stupid. It's hard to accept that I'm not being stupid on these difficult things. If I don't be nicer to myself I fear I'm just going to stay miserable. 

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What a successful day.  I wanted to say how special going to the gym has been.  I've gone each day of the week so far and last night I slept so well.  I haven't slept that well in years.  I woke up without anxiety or depression.  I just fell asleep with that heavy feeling of natural exhaustion, like 10 blankets were on me due to the weight training I went through.  With anxiety, you feel like you weigh nothing and go insane. That's why they always say use weighted blankets if you get anxiety at night.

I woke up and felt balanced.  My mind was clear.  I had no racing thoughts.  I did not think about people I hated or hating myself.  I just lived.  I did my tasks.  I made breakfast, got to work, worked, got more accomplished in  3 hours than all of last week and this week combined, ate lunch, walked, went to the gym again, worked out hard, went home, cooked, cleaned, relaxed, and read.

I also had a moment where I would have panicked and gotten anxiety and freaked out today, but that didn't occur.  I recognized when I'd usually panic, but my mind was stolid and still.  I felt correct.  It was like I took a medicine to feel better.  I ate healthy and didn't want to eat junk food because I know how useless it is.  

@Vera the gym is great.  I read you go as well.  I think it's been a big help.

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On 2/14/2019 at 1:30 AM, BooksandTrees said:

 

Hey, I'm so happy for you! It feels good to read how well your day was. Just remember to rest and do not fall into overtraining, and you will be fine. Your good news cheer me up too! 

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Last night I watched a 1 hour video on YouTube which had every single anime intro from Toonami on Cartoon Network.  I was hit with a tidal wave of nostalgia.  I used to adamantly watch Anime for an hour or two when I got home from school, ate food, relaxed, and had fun.  I'd then play sports, draw, build with legos, you name it afterwards (dinner as well).

This made me realize how much video games kind of took away from me.  Instead of doing all of these activities I would just sit and play RuneScape for 8 hours and the night would vanish.  Although time never speeds up or slows down, I feel like video games accelerated my teenage years because all I did was play RuneScape.  I didn't go out, work on old hobbies, or enjoy my friends and family.  I've touched on this before, but last night was another reminder why I'm on the right path.  

Finding hobbies has been a challenge, but it reminds me that we work on these hobbies when we want to work on them.  Video games made me feel like I NEEDED to play video games at all waking hours.  That's not how life or hobbies work.  It's worse than a job, it's an addiction.

Moving on, my goals for today are simple:

  1. Take another online writing class for my cartoon script I'm working on
  2. Meal prep 4-8 meals for lunch and dinner this week
  3. Practice writing in the software "Celtx" for my script instead of Microsoft Word

I think these are all manageable.  I feel wonderful after the gym.  My muscles feel amazing and I'm already excited for this week.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Practice writing in the software "Celtx" for my script instead of Microsoft Word

Celtx is sooooooo useful omfg. Good luck! Good move there!

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17 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Celtx is sooooooo useful omfg. Good luck! Good move there!

Thank you.  I agree.  It opened my eyes to writing and I really enjoy it now.  I just want to take this brief script writing class online so I understand how to write a little better and then it will help me transfer it to Celtx.

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I had a good day today with taking my class, writing more of my cartoon, and then cooking 8 meals for myself.  The only annoying thing was that I made fish for dinner and I just really hate fish and seafood in general.  I don't know why I keep going back to it to try and eat.  Restaurants, family, friends, myself and any other method of cooking I just don't like seafood or sushi.  I get so much crap for it, but I don't care.  At the end of the day you just don't like something.  I'm proud of myself for the day, though.

On another note, I think it's time for me to quit porn.  This is going to include me not doing non-pmo either for about 30-90 days.  This is going to be an extreme challenge, but I'm no longer even caring about video games anymore and I just think this is for the best.  I know it's an addiction and I know it's harder to quit than video games.  I just am getting tired of the "need" to watch.

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

On another note, I think it's time for me to quit porn.  This is going to include me not doing non-pmo either for about 30-90 days.  This is going to be an extreme challenge, but I'm no longer even caring about video games anymore and I just think this is for the best.  I know it's an addiction and I know it's harder to quit than video games.  I just am getting tired of the "need" to watch.

Good luck. It's indeed harder to quit than games. Holy hell.. I've totally underestimated it...

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Things are going pretty well right now with the progress.  I had my first serious urge to watch porn after reading a normal book, but a romance scene was introduced.  It was very difficult, but I just kept reading, closing my eyes, focusing, and knowing I needed to stay strong and I was fine.  Nothing was attacking me and I was safe being myself.  

I also overcame a bit of embarrassment at the gym because the workout plan I needed to do required me to do very aerobic exercises in front of people.  I switched the workout and still went.  I also noticed 5 people doing similar exercises that I was embarrassed about and it made me realize nobody cares what you're doing at the gym as long as you're not being a prick.  This was big for me.  Today I went there and just did the workout and nobody cared.  I wasn't embarrassed.  I was happy.  The gym has really been beneficial to me these past 2 weeks.

I wanted to write something about addiction that I was wondering if other people experienced.  I noticed that when I get the urge (dopamine rush) to watch porn or something it's just unreal how quick it hits.  I started to realize I had this feeling when I wanted to be productive with a hobby, but was impatient to learn it since porn and gaming are instant rewards, no hard work.  I decided to harness that energy from wanting to watch porn and set my mind towards working on my cartoon.  It worked.  I was able to channel that rush of wanting to watch porn into writing.  This is because I recognized I wanted to be productive, not get an orgasm from porn.  The feeling porn gave me was just searching for videos and getting excited.  It's sad that it made me so happy for so long, but I'm forgiving myself for that and learning to channel that energy into real things to benefit my life.

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@BooksandTrees nobody cares what you're doing at the gym, so just have fun! I've gone through the same realisation and it changed my attitude a lot. It's just you and your program so no need to care about how you look. You will be sweaty, tired and happy at the end anyway! :)

You improved a lot! It's a pleasure to know you're doing so well. 

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22 minutes ago, Vera said:

@BooksandTrees nobody cares what you're doing at the gym, so just have fun! I've gone through the same realisation and it changed my attitude a lot. It's just you and your program so no need to care about how you look. You will be sweaty, tired and happy at the end anyway! 🙂

You improved a lot! It's a pleasure to know you're doing so well. 

You are so kind. I appreciate it. Thanks.  I hope to get in good shape and continue to find balance in life. I'm glad you've been doing better as well. 

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Back in the days when I do a lot PMO I realized from today's perspective it was purely runaway from my emotional state. When I experienced sadness, emptiness and loneliness I wanted to runaway from this feelings and only porn can calm me up. Allow yourself to love yourself and fill the emptiness with love. You are beautiful person and you can create value in your life. This is not lie! This is pure true. 

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On 2/20/2019 at 8:19 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I also overcame a bit of embarrassment at the gym because the workout plan I needed to do required me to do very aerobic exercises in front of people.  I switched the workout and still went.  I also noticed 5 people doing similar exercises that I was embarrassed about and it made me realize nobody cares what you're doing at the gym as long as you're not being a prick.  This was big for me.  Today I went there and just did the workout and nobody cared.  I wasn't embarrassed.  I was happy.  The gym has really been beneficial to me these past 2 weeks.

I feel embarrassed at the gym, too. So most of the time I only use the elliptical there, and do yoga and aerobics only at home. But my gym is a very small one, so it might be different...

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Today I'm in a weird spot. I'm 18 weeks clear of gaming and 1 week free of porn. I didn't feel well today, but got a lot of work done. I'm struggling big time with porn right now though. I don't have any urge to watch it, but I really want to have sex incredibly bad right now and I'm going haywire trying not to give into pmo and non pmo. I feel uncomfortable talking about what's on my mind right now, but jesus christ I am going nuts. 

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This is just my personal experience from a few years ago (As a woman), abstaining made me very motivated to approach and talk to new ppl. I didnt think twice about approaching someone, it was either have eye candy or nothing at all. I remember meeting and keeping a friendship w someone really attractive for a year. I approached them in the first 5 mins of seeing them. Doing that also helped distract from the feeling for a long time. I think this is one of the main purposes of doing nofap too. It makes you want to persue interactions wih others. I made mistakes on the way and learnt. If I kept on w nofap, no doubt I wouldve been in a relationship w them. I still regret it and I made the mistake of turning them down for no reason (I just blame the drugs lol).

 

You'll manage and you'll get by. Get out there and meet some ppl!

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54 minutes ago, TwoSidedLife said:

This is just my personal experience from a few years ago (As a woman), abstaining made me very motivated to approach and talk to new ppl. I didnt think twice about approaching someone, it was either have eye candy or nothing at all. I remember meeting and keeping a friendship w someone really attractive for a year. I approached them in the first 5 mins of seeing them. Doing that also helped distract from the feeling for a long time. I think this is one of the main purposes of doing nofap too. It makes you want to persue interactions wih others. I made mistakes on the way and learnt. If I kept on w nofap, no doubt I wouldve been in a relationship w them. I still regret it and I made the mistake of turning them down for no reason (I just blame the drugs lol).

 

You'll manage and you'll get by. Get out there and meet some ppl!

Thank you. That's interesting and I don't mean to sound like a strange person but I've actually never heard of a woman doing nofap. I'm really supportive of the movement. I just think porn has kept me from naturally going out and dating. I'm a social butterfly and have no issues meeting or talking to people, but when it came to dating I'd lose the natural energy to continue to flirt and I just awkwardly kept the conversation going because my brain felt that I really only needed porn.

I also think the energy you get when you naturally want to talk to a cute person or work on a job or hobby gets diluted when you watch porn. You don't want to work hard for anything or do anything. If I had a major goal I'd stop brainstorming and watch porn and then get tired and depressed because porn was making me disappointed in myself. It lead to loneliness and unfulfilling days. 

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