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Thanks.  I've just been debating why I should even pursue these things because I'm focused on a bigger reason for things.  Like a larger sense of purpose.  I'm not suicidal or anything so don't get scared by that sentence.  I just mean I feel kind of meaningless with my every day activities and believe I should be doing other things.

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So it has been a week and I really think I do better in life when I subtly plan things out for certain days, but allow myself some time to just relax on other days.  It's difficult to find the right balance.  If I plan too much during the week I get pissed off because I want to work on productive hobbies.  If I give myself too much time, I think about how exhausting it would be to work on this hobby for 15 hours and just get lazy and depressed and watch tv or play games.  Then I get angry at myself for wasting time.

I was reading about my personality type (ENTJ-T) and it said that people with my personality type really enjoy hobbies and activities that are productive.  This makes sense to me.  I really enjoy working on projects with friends or alone.  This can include playing a competitive sport to advance in a league and not just playing for the hell of it.  I don't really just enjoy playing a casual sport.  This is why I enjoyed playing competitive video games.  I'd much rather play Overwatch or NHL instead of a single player Mario game that is just casual.  I don't really enjoy relaxing in that sense.  Even relaxing hobbies need to be productive.  I'd rather watch a TV series that stimulates my thoughts or read a book and advance the story at a nice pace.  I like to exercise to improve myself permanently and not just to move.

This is why I get so hard on myself during these tough nights.  I come home from work mentally exhausted and don't want to work on anything.  Then I get very angry at myself for not working on things.  If I just watch a mindless show or play a game I start to berate myself for wasting time.  I wish I could cut myself slack.  It's like I fear my life is going nowhere and I need to be productive 100% of the time or I'll die without doing anything important.  The funny thing is I'm designing bridges across the country and it's improving the lives of hundreds of thousands of people who are now driving on new and safe infrastructure instead of old and unsafe infrastructure.  I don't even take pride in it.  One of my goals this winter is to come up with a way to be more proud of the work I do and appreciate how hard I worked to get to this point in my life.  It's easy to forget about this when I'm constantly occupying myself with endless goals.

I was about to go salsa dancing tonight in the city from 9 PM to 2 AM and then drive back home by like 3 or 3:30 AM and just said "Fuck that".  I understand I need to be more social and maybe I'd dance with some hot chicks, but jesus.  I just don't care to stay up that late anymore.  I think I'd feel better going to bed at a natural time, wake up, go to the gym, and just go about my day in a mentally stimulating way, which will relax my thoughts a bit.  

From quitting video games, I've been experimenting with things.  I learned that I feel more restored when I'm with a group of people, but it's not always comforting to constantly be putting myself out there alone and pushing my comfort zone all of the time.  I think it's good to push my comfort zone, but it's not healthy to just keep expanding it daily/weekly.  It's important to pace myself.  It's another form of moderation like the hobbies I mentioned in the first paragraph.  It's hard to game in moderation and I don't think I can do it since I keep failing.  But I do think it's possible and important to see things in moderation no matter what.  This will hopefully make me happier in general.  I am glad I'm putting myself out there and experimenting, but I also realize I need to pace myself with that as well.  Having the mindset of "I don't play video games anymore and need to occupy all of my free time with trying to pick up chicks, excelling at new hobbies, and becoming a genius in other avenues is not realistic at all and is in fact exhausting and unfair to my self esteem.  That self esteem eventually dissipates and I get depressed.  I remember the fun times I had gaming and the success I had with it and will turn to games to pick myself up.  It works for a few days and then I just play non stop, get a foggy head due to dopamine rushes, and then feel depressed and sick again.  This is why I think I can't have a successful campaign with quitting games until I resolve these self esteem and lifestyle issues.  I'm learning more and more each day, but it's important to keep being real and forgiving with myself and not forget what I'm writing.

Matt

 

P.S. I'm 6 weeks free of gaming.

Edited by Matt S
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We've spoken about things like these a lot but I'm still going to post here to suggest a few very useful books. It's my opinion that you have to put in the mental work to get results in your mental health and that's both education and practice.

  Six Pillars of Self-Esteem https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

 Mind over mood: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108380.Mind_Over_Mood

You're doing great, keep up the introspection and the good efforts man!

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8 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

We've spoken about things like these a lot but I'm still going to post here to suggest a few very useful books. It's my opinion that you have to put in the mental work to get results in your mental health and that's both education and practice.

  Six Pillars of Self-Esteem https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

 Mind over mood: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108380.Mind_Over_Mood

You're doing great, keep up the introspection and the good efforts man!

I know we talked about it earlier this week. I've just been working 60 hours and not able to complete this by then. I mentioned in here how it is important for me to create a schedule to follow and with me moving an hour away from work instead of 5 minutes then I lose 2 hours in the day. So creating something to depend on during this time to work on myself is important. I'm also a firm believer in doing the correct research on myself and understanding myself before looking at these speeches and stuff. I'm more writing down my findings here and trying to understand how my moods are caused instead of treating the symptoms right away. So it will take me some time and I just need to keep learning right now. I'm working extremely hard at this whole balancing a difficult life and that's why I wrote why it's important for me to understand the benefits of relaxing and to understand the best ways for myself to healthily relax. I can't always be all or nothing on things because if I don't have the energy to be 100% on self improvement then I'll give up. I did this in the past too many times. It's important to forgive myself for doing small things to improve my life instead of criticizing myself for not doing great things to improve my life all of the time. 

My approach just needs to be more methodical and calculated first. I'm learning. Thank you for the time and insight along with my progress.

Matt

Edited by Matt S
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I bought a few online classes with some help by @fawn_xoxo and her recommendation.  I bought Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Premiere, and a cartoon drawing class.  I also bought a stress management class.  These were all on sale for over 90% off so I actually didn't spend much money.  I like that they're structured in a classroom format because it gives me some time to dedicate to my hobbies after work.  

One of the things I struggle with in my new hobbies is getting started.  It reminds me of college and engineering school.  I knew I had to learn all of this crap and started panicking, but I couldn't learn most of it unless I learned the basics first and spend the years developing my skills.  So I'm going to do that here.  This will teach me discipline, give me a structured portion of my day outside of work, and get me excited to work on my hobbies.  If things go well then I'll continue to produce my cartoon again, write my book, and continue my hockey podcast.

The stress management class has been nice for me to recognize my goals and then be more forgiving.  I think with this class, professional therapy, and this online community I'll make great strides.

Matt

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I'm 7 weeks free of gaming now.  I'm starting to invest in my hobbies again.  I was starting to only spend my spare time seeing friends after work or on weekends, but this has really exhausted me.  I am an extrovert and feel better when I'm around people, but I really do feel better when I get something accomplished.  I'm currently not doing that and it is wearing on me.  The good news is that I've been focusing on my podcast again and will record it today or tomorrow and will publish it on Monday.  I missed talking about hockey and really want to get back into something productive on that front.

Another thing I've been focusing on lately is talking to family members.  I kind of ignored them for years due to personal reasons from my childhood that I can't talk about, but I have felt better staying connected with them and figure I'll talk to them like once a month or something to stay in touch.  I miss my sense of family and belonging and think it's an important thing to have.  I'm still having trouble staying self disciplined with other bad habits and it is frustrating to me, but I just remember how difficult gaming was for me to quit at first and now I have to repeat that with other bad habits.  It can be kind of demoralizing.

Matt

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I sometimes have days where I ask myself what's the point?  I dislike a lot of my life and it leads to certain unhappiness.  I think I loved gaming so much over the past 2 years because it let me live.  I feel like I get trapped in my current life and just wish i could go home and play games, be myself, meet people online, and just escape it all.  But after a month or two of it I just get so depressed because I'm repeating the cycle.  If I had to repeat this until I died I'd freak out.  So I freak out.

I haven't played in over 7 weeks during this stint, but it's still coming with different challenges each week.  There's weeks like this one where I'm tired and get depressed after work.  I'm not happy some days and it's just hard to be happy all of a sudden when I get home.  So I just sit and stay unhappy because if I just be happy out of no where then it means I wasn't happy for no reason during the day.  It also feels like a dumb trade off to be unhappy for 12 hours and then be happy for 3 or 4 hours and feel like, oh, i should go to bed now that I'm full of life.

This makes me want to give up on a lot of endeavors of mine, but I realize it's something where I just need to keep going.  If I start finding a passion in life outside of work then I'll look forward to the day more often.  It's just a daily reminder that if I get the crap out of the way and keep moving forward then I'll eventually find this desire for life and to live and be myself.  It's just tough because I'm extroverted and need to keep putting myself out there, keep pushing myself, socializing, and getting my goals done.  I just get so swayed by the thoughts of giving up because it's easier.  Just gotta stay strong.

I think I'm just upset because I knew that I was tired and frustrated after work.  I just wanted to sleep.  I'm angry that I didn't have the energy or desire to work on my podcast that I wanted to post today.  Instead, I complained for 2 hours and then cooked and ate dinner.  And of fucking course I'm full of energy now and fully awake. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pisses me the fuck off.  I'm so tired of this fucking shit.  I'm tired of being fucking exhausted after work and then filled with energy before I fucking go to bed, not sleep well, wake up, fucking snooze my fucking alarm clock, go to work late, leave work late, and repeat the fucking cycle since I don't play fucking play video games anymore. This pisses me off so fucking much.  FUCK.  I just want to work on my hobbies now until midnight or something and I know I should go to bed.  I hate leaving work late because I get super tired after 3 PM.  I'm so unproductive at that time.  Fuck. I just sit there all day getting depressed and angry, then I'm exhausted and don't have the desire to do anything.  I'm tired of getting 1-2 hours a day of MILD happiness and then I go to bed.  This is why I turn to fucking video games and porn during depression.  It's fucking weak.

How the fuck do I get over this exhaustion after work?  It's killing me.  I'm seriously getting very depressed.  It's unbearable some days.

Matt

Edited by Matt S
I forgot that I was pissed and wanted to add that.
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I would use a lot of your words to describe exactly how I feel, too, including the porn.  I've been free of it for a little over a year after fighting it for 14 years...it nearly ruined my life.  I was even suicidal.  Now I have to go through this process again with the video games.  

It's like I don't want to go to bed because I finally get some time for MYSELF.  Once I go to sleep, that time is over.  Then I wake up and go through the whole cycle.  I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel...but that video game dopamine high....there's nothing like it.  But from my own experience, I know that it will settle down.

Sorry, I hope I'm not hijacking your journal.  I just want to thank you for your words.  And know that you are not alone.

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You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.

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7 hours ago, padreman said:

 

Sorry, I hope I'm not hijacking your journal.  I just want to thank you for your words.  And know that you are not alone.

I shouldn't have exploded on here, but I think it's just raw frustration. I worked so hard to get to where I am with my life and I'm just let down by it consistently. I really hope to prevail here and make my dreams come true. I'm proud of you for quitting and sharing your feelings. I know it's so debilitating knowing you only got a handful of minutes to yourself it feels. 

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7 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.

I decided to change my routine up and I'm just gonna stick with it. I got to work 2 hours before I normally do today because I was tired of wasting my time. If I keep this up then I'll hopefully have more time and energy to work on my real passion in life. Maybe this can lead to happiness? It's worth a try. If I can build and evolve my structure to adapt to the happiness and freedom I need then I will feel better. Ld just having a routine, getting proper sleep, and a schedule will improve my mood regardless. 

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Did you see the pic below originally posted to this forum by @karabas ? Feeling depressed or wasting time occasionally doesn't invalidate all your past effort.

Learning not to beat ourselves up when we "fail" is very important. I would say that it's more important to be able to deal with setbacks than to keep succeeding. 

Real life will be full of setbacks. We'll be fine as long as we stay resilient.

Good luck!

Lakhiani-New-Concept-of-Growth-Chart.thumb.png.2647b1116730d123ea8de3314ae3bf28.png.6e0ba5432261dfc2d71259c98235d5f1.png

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Cam's Video on Participating

 

I hope this link works as I'm writing from my phone. I was really upset the past few days because I'm not understanding why I can't build the courage to work on hobbies or live life. I still want to ask my therapist if I'm afraid of happiness or trying to be happy. It seems like I want it, but I want it to come to me. I get angry if friends don't message me or if work doesn't tell me I'm doing well without me asking how my performance is going. I get angry that I won't get a girl to flirt with me first etc. I wonder if I'm being selfish and a baby. That might be harsh, but I just wonder if I'm being fair to myself and also if I'm being fair to those in my life and environment. This video was really what I needed tonight to help me ask the right questions to my therapist and myself. 

Matt 

ps, I'm 8 weeks free from video games. 

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On 12/11/2018 at 2:00 PM, Silverlining said:

Did you see the pic below originally posted to this forum by @karabas ? Feeling depressed or wasting time occasionally doesn't invalidate all your past effort.

Learning not to beat ourselves up when we "fail" is very important. I would say that it's more important to be able to deal with setbacks than to keep succeeding. 

Real life will be full of setbacks. We'll be fine as long as we stay resilient.

Good luck!

Lakhiani-New-Concept-of-Growth-Chart.thumb.png.2647b1116730d123ea8de3314ae3bf28.png.6e0ba5432261dfc2d71259c98235d5f1.png

I like this a lot. I tend to be very difficult to myself and bevis a hypocrite but telling others to be easy on themselves. I gotta practice what I preach a bit a work harder at healing. I haven't gamed in 8 weeks, but I also haven't done anything in 8 weeks. I just sit here now and I'm getting exponentially depressed and cynical towards others. Brooding with hatred. I don't like this feeling. 

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