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Today is my 3rd day without gaming.  It was a better day for me mentally.  I'm really getting down on myself about not recording a podcast recently.  I just fell behind and got upset.  I did a full analytics portion on hockey teams who were playing above or below what their standings reflected.  I made predictions of who would move up and down the standings and my predictions all came true, but I didn't publish the episode.

Moving on from this I can't beat myself up.  Whenever I fail at something I just beat myself up and make myself feel terrible, which is what used to lead me to playing video games in my abusive environment previously.  I'm going to take positives from this.  I still have a following on social media and online, my predictions were correct, and I'm still getting asked where my episodes are.  I'm going to come back strong this week and produce something fun for people to see and for me to feel better about.  

Tonight I'm starting my reading again.  I want to read for an hour or so before bed each night.  I also had several more people at working telling me to do stand up comedy.  I'm very close and just want to make plans with people to see a live show soon.  Tonight I have more energy than I've had in a while.  I feel my life coming back to me slowly. I feel like I can grab this energy now and work on my podcast a bit or another hobby.  I'm also getting tired around 9 (right now).  This is good for me.

I also have been watching 1 episode of a show each week.  Sundays I watch Handmaid's tale, Tuesdays I watch The League, Wednesdays I watch This Is Us, and Thursdays I watch South Park.  I am doing this because I remember how excited I'd get after school when I was younger to watch shows.  Binge watching them is like playing video games and makes you get that dopamine rush.  Also, I don't want any TV show recommendations.  I don't really care what you like to watch to be honest and am sorry for sounding rude.  I just get annoyed when I tell people I'm watching a show and they blurt "Oh My GoD hAve Y oU SeEn RiCk AnD mORtY??? WHaT a BoUT gAmE Of ThRoNeS?"  Stop....I don't care...please just let me watch my shows.  

Matt

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On ‎9‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 5:14 AM, Matt S said:

Today was a great day for learning.  I realized that I'm being a little too ambitious with this cartoon I wanted to make.  That takes dozens of people and several months to produce.  Those people went to college full time and got degrees.  I am alone and did none of that.  I can't be that unrealistic.  

It's normal to think a bit too big when you start out. But it's great to have a goal - so you know what you have to learn. Maybe scale it down a little bit. Make a short story comic - or just work on the first chapter. As long as it makes YOU happy. Going to college full time and degrees doesn't say anything about your skills. The only edge it gives is forcing you to work. With a little internet research and practicing on a regular basis you can get INSANELY good at anything. And who knows, maybe after practicing some time you find someone at a similar skill level to collaborate with.

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This is very true.  I think I just see how much effort the end goal is going to take and don't want to do it.  There are times when I come home from work and am just so tired I can't possibly work on something new.  That's why it is so easy to fall into old gaming habits.  I really like that mentality of practice makes perfect, but practice what you preach, and preach love.  I'd like to draw a bit soon.  I really enjoyed my cartoon storyline and wrote almost 10 episodes.  I got really let down by the animation and drawing aspect since i know nothing about it.

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Today is my 4th day without gaming.  I woke up early today and got a great start to my morning.  I also finished a large submittal at work.  This allowed me to move to another project that I was not originally assigned to work on, but it allows me to help my coworkers who need help to reach another deadline next week.  I had more fun with coworkers today and came home feeling accomplished, but tired.

Instead of taking a nap I set in phase another thing I wanted to do, which was practice Yoga for 30 minutes when I get home.  I wanted to do this because my mind needs a break from staring at the computer all day.  I don't want to come home and look directly at a computer again.  I took 2 hours to clean my room, do laundry, and practice to gain peace of mind, exercise, and feel good.

Now I am ready to go out for that dinner and then relax and be ready for tomorrow.  The next thing I'd like to get in action for my daily routines is going to the gym in the mornings, but one thing at a time.  I'm really happy I got my yoga in today and want to continue doing this after work.  I don't really enjoy being online all day.

Matt

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I'm 5 days without gaming right now.  I had another night where I read my book.  I'm currently reading "Going Bovine" by Libba Bray.  The first few pages were terrible, but I actually enjoy the story now.  I'm about 60 pages in and hooked.  I had a great day at work getting a lot done.  I went out for lunch with some great people and then went out for a birthday dinner with other coworkers after.  It was really nice spending time with them and it's just a great community.

Tonight I'm going to relax, read, and go to bed early.  I'd like to go to the gym tomorrow morning.  I didn't do yoga tonight because of the birthday party, but it is ok.  I still stretched a lot today and stood at my standing desk at work to help my posture.  I really enjoy it.

Matt

Edited by Matt S

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Pride

Today was my 6th day without gaming and I decided to push my comfort zone very far.  I went to a night club by myself in a city I never go to.  To say I am proud of myself is such an understatement.  I have wanted to go to a club and dance with people for years.  I dreamed of it.  None of my friends want to go to clubs and I was so afraid to go alone, but I did it.  I found a meetup group and just went.  I was so nervous all last night and today that I had a severe anxiety attack and just started swearing at myself all day and night.  I called my mom and my friends and they told me I had nothing to fear or worry about.  Dancing with people and grabbing a drink isn't hard.  Overcoming an abusive life, neglect, almost failing out of college and turning out to be in the top 5 students of engineering, getting a great job twice by myself, and becoming a leader in everything I do is harder than that.  

I had no issue talking to anyone.  I am a natural at talking to people and made friends fast.  I got a small crew together and lead them around to meet new people.  I brought them downstairs to the night club area and introduced them to a group of 5 girls.  I got all 9 of us into the club together even though the wait was long and we all danced together for a few hours.  I got a few phone numbers and made some friends who like to live life.  I am so happy I can't explain it.  I feel so good about myself.  The hotter girls were actually boring at dancing compared to the other girls so I actually just danced with normal people because I don't like one night stands and I just felt like it was more authentic to dance like a moron and have fun.  I was also nervous to just grind up on a couple hot chicks.  They'd walk up to me and do it, but I have no idea what I'm doing in a club so I wasn't sure what the process was for this lol.  It sounds stupid, but I was like..."do you want to dance?" and then some guy just comes up and grinds on a chick and walks away after 30 seconds.  I was so confused.  I just don't feel comfortable doing that to a chick yet, plus they didn't look amused when the guys did that to them.  So IDK what to think.  I won't think though.  I am so proud of myself for putting myself out there, being a leader, and just meeting great people and being myself.

Today was a victory for me and I'm beaming from ear to ear.

Thanks to everyone for believing in me and I'm gonna keep going.

Matt

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It's pretty cool considering you did it on your own and it's always a nice feel if you feel for something then just go and do it. As for chicks,  its ok to feel yourself a bit uncomfy especially if you never did something like that before.

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Thank you!  I was really proud of the whole thing and just felt like I can expand my life a lot more now.  It was a huge moment for me and I'm gonna work to figure out how to improve each time.

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59 minutes ago, Matt S said:

Thank you!  I was really proud of the whole thing and just felt like I can expand my life a lot more now.  It was a huge moment for me and I'm gonna work to figure out how to improve each time.

"Every great journey begins with a step" I also read your story and I got a vibe that you got quite good organizational skills.

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24 minutes ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

"Every great journey begins with a step" I also read your story and I got a vibe that you got quite good organizational skills.

That's great.  We just gotta keep moving forward and recognize the things we desire most in life.  I just was giving up too easily all the time.  Thanks for reading my story.  I hope it helps you and others move forward with their addiction recovery and achieving their goals.

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I've been 9 days clean of gaming.  I'm having a difficult time trying to pursue my creative hobbies due to being tired after work.  I have also been spending time with friends and family outside of work.  This has been important to me.  I'm making connections with people who want to live life, be happy, work hard, and do different things.  It's made me really enjoy life more and have a more positive outlook.

I think this means I'm doing the right thing and I'll pick up these hobbies when I feel it's right.  I believe this is correct and will keep pursuing it.  Short post, but I am tired.  I had a great day since my coworkers took me out for dinner and drinks.  We're going to a sporting event later this week together as well.  I'm just very pleased with people right now.

Matt

Edited by Matt S

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Today was good.  I met up with an old friend and connected with her for a few hours.  It was nice since we haven't seen each other in years.  I really look forward to things like this because it makes me feel a lot better in general.  I had a good day today, but had a very depressing end to the day where I started to beat myself up for wasting time and not being as good of a worker as I thought I'd be during the day.  I let myself down, so I'm gonna work hard tomorrow to make up for it and finish strong.

I'm 10 days clear of gaming and starting to get my mind back.  I'm making lots of plans to see friends, but I'd like to do better with controlling my emotions and not being so hard on myself.  I have gotten better than I once was, but I'm still a disaster.  I make a mistake and start to crush myself and swear at myself to the point where I want to cry.  Instead of being sad, I get angry to hide the sadness and get into a bad mood.  I'm trying, but it is so difficult to forgive myself and move on.

My goals this week are to continue seeing friends and get into a good spot and then slowly get back into my podcast and cartoon if possible.

Matt

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19 hours ago, Matt S said:

I started to beat myself up for wasting time and not being as good of a worker as I thought I'd be during the day.  I let myself down

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without agreeing that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

 

19 hours ago, Matt S said:

I'm trying, but it is so difficult to forgive myself and move on.

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. And I've had ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

Edited by fawn_xoxo
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16 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. ad ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

Yeah a harmony with yourself is a very important thing. And acceptance of who you are is a first thing to come to it. And yeah what you said about ego I totally agree. I think ite right to find a balance, or the golden middle as we say so you dont turn into egomaniac imprisoned by your ego but also not being way too careless giving up on everything.

Source: personal experience.

Edited by Niko_Buccellati
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22 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without agreeing that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

 

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. And I've had ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

I agree, but it's so hard for me to change these thoughts from my emotions.  I keep trying to tell my therapist I might be bipolar or something, but he says everyone deals with these emotional spiderwebs where we can't escape our emotions and thoughts.  The more we struggle, the more we just get wound up in this web of frustration.  It's about calming down and changing the way we think about it.  Plus, I don't get into a manic state during these episodes.  I remain full control of my psyche and that's why I am fine apparently.  

One of my thoughts was that we go into a fight or flight mode.  So when something frustrating happens it is easy to just think of ways to escape or quit your job, etc.  These aren't reasonable solutions to just logically solving them or moving on. I don't know if anyone is the master of these emotions because people are terrible and always find a way to unhinge your calmness.

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Today started off terrible and got worse by the hour.  Different events at work kept cascading on top of me as I tried to maintain sanity, composure, and reason.  I got blindingly angry and had to step aside multiple times to walk, take deep breaths, and calm down.  I wanted to badly to go into my car and scream and punch the passenger seat, but I did not.  I just walked and took deep breaths until it was right for me to talk things out and move forward.  

No matter what happens in life, there will be people who try to hurt you and bring you down.  Your best option is to defend yourself and move on.  You'll learn who is pathetic and who is not pathetic.  You don't have to associate yourself with pathetic people and you damn well better be sure you're not pathetic. 

I'm 12 days free of gaming and I'm years free of torture.  I can do anything and will always have my back.  Let's fucking go!

Matt

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Also, I finally listened to Bohemian Rhapsody today.  I didn't listen to it because these people in high school used to sing it all the time and it pissed me off.  But I really love the power of the song and how it makes you feel like you're escaping this prison and unleashing yourself.  When Freddie Mercury screams "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY!!!" I just feel invincible.

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

No matter what happens in life, there will be people who try to hurt you and bring you down.  Your best option is to defend yourself and move on.  You'll learn who is pathetic and who is not pathetic.  You don't have to associate yourself with pathetic people and you damn well better be sure you're not pathetic. 

I'm 12 days free of gaming and I'm years free of torture.  I can do anything and will always have my back.  Let's fucking go!

Good attitude! 

In a sense, you can be glad that your response is anger, rather than depression. It indicates that you automatically fight back, rather than succumb to fear. You can transfer this into a very strong drive to pull you forward. 

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5 hours ago, JustTom said:

In a sense, you can be glad that your response is anger, rather than depression. It indicates that you automatically fight back, rather than succumb to fear. You can transfer this into a very strong drive to pull you forward. 

So this is true and helped lead me to lots of success in my life.  The only issue with this is that when I get sad I'll turn it to anger because it's better to be angry than sad in my mind.  I'll also use anger as my motivation instead of love or inspiration.  I've actually been trying to tone back my anger responses.  I don't have a temper or anything like that.  I guess I get angry that I am not doing as well as I could have and just use it as energy to reach my goals.  But I don't want to always do that. "I'm angry that I'm single" and then angrily go out to a dating thing lol.

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What a busy weekend!  I took my office to a hockey game on Thursday, saw a stand up comedy show on Friday, went shopping with friends and then to a board game party at night with other friends on Saturday, and then went hiking today!  I am exhausted and I think I'm catching a cold lol.  But I'm really happy I did this.  I wanted to go out and do things with people I enjoy spending time with.  It meant a lot to me to have my friends with me and doing great things.

This has been nice for me and I'm starting to think with a more positive mindset.  I feel like life is getting better and my options for doing things is growing.  The only issue is I haven't been interested in working on my podcast that I've been producing.  I also haven't really had the time to do the little things around the house that I've wanted to work on like laundry, etc.  It is important that I take some time for myself and do the things I need to do so I don't stress out about it when making plans. This opens up the interesting conundrum of saying no to people.  I worked so hard to do things with friends and get out of the house, but I still have the ability to say no and do things around the house.  It's about finding that balance.

It's been 2 weeks without gaming and my fogginess is all gone and my vocabulary is returning to form.  I feel a lot better and have been a master of conversation in the social scene.  I need to keep this up and just role with things.  Just because I've had a lot of great weeks doesn't mean some can be bad.  I just need to take the good with the bad and not revert to past forms of escapism if one turns out that way.

Matt

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Today I caught a cold and slept from 11 PM to 8 AM and then until 11 AM.  I then watched The Big Lebowski and slept for another 4 hours.  I had a really productive day lol.

On a positive note, I used to play video games all day when I was sick.  I did not do that today!

Matt

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Today I was sick again and just slept all day.  I tried going to work, but I was so exhausted that I just felt like I was wasting time so i left.  I've been so exhausted and tired.  I just want to sleep.  I had cold-like symptoms yesterday, but they're gone now.  It's just exhaustion now.  I have been sleeping for like 16 hours a day...maybe 18 lol.  If it continues I'll obviously visit my doctor.

Until then, nothing has changed. I get annoyed because I'm going through some difficult life decisions soon with moving from my current apartment and stuff.  I just am not sure what to think and have been making steady improvements to my social life etc.  It's important that I stay patient and try my best to pursue my hobbies and support myself.  I've just felt lots of unrest and unease during the past week with my immediate and long term future.

Matt

Edited by Matt S
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I've been so busy recently that I haven't had time to post something relevant.  I'm 4 weeks free from video games and 1 week free of pornography.  I think they're both so cancerous.  I've been busy because I have been focusing a lot on work, socializing, and moving out of my apartment.

I have a very outgoing personality.  Although I love my private time, I realize I deal with stress better by being with other people, socializing, and just being the center of attention for a bit.  I've prioritized making plans each weekend and during some nights of the week to get out of the house and be with my friends. I've also noticed that since I've been doing this and not gaming that my heartburn has completely disappeared.  For a solid year I was having painful heartburn each day and night.  This would keep me up at night due to extreme nausea and sharp pains.  Sometimes I thought I had a severe ulcer or was having heart pains.  This went away during this time.  I went to the doctor and he kept trying to give me medication to cut off stomach acid production completely and I find it funny how now I don't even take anything for my stomach and nothing is bothering me.  Don't treat your symptoms only, try to treat the cause of the symptoms.  

I mention pornography here because I think it's another very addictive thing that deters you from moving forward in life.  If you notice, most gamers complain about their social lives and the fact they're not in a relationship.  It's so easy for gamers to just play video games for any sense of achievement and dopamine rush that they don't pursue any legitimate hobbies or hard work in life.  This is the same methodology with pornography.  It made me lazy and feel like I didn't need a relationship.  It kind of skewed my perception of looking for a woman because I'd just look for certain features rather than who she was.  I also didn't feel like searching for a girlfriend because I could just watch porn and move on.  This was bad because I was closing off love from my life.  I don't think people understand how important it is to fall in love and have someone love you unconditionally.  If you can find a relationship with someone who really loves you for you and you can be passionate with then it's the greatest thing in the world.  Porn gets in the way of that like video games get in the way of meaningful hobbies.

I'm proud of the progress I'm making so far and am going to get back into my larger hobbies this weekend.

Matt

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I feel like I've taken a major step back these past few days.  I was on vacation the past 3 days and all I've done is watch this TV show.  I did stuff on Thanksgiving and saw a friend each day for a bit, but I just didn't really do anything productive.  I paid my bills, did my laundry, and got my errands completed, but just nothing hobby related.

Now I sit here with that same dopamine headache that I got from video games or porn or something.  It sucks.  I just feel so drained and frustrated about it.  It is getting better with more water and rest, but I think I fell into this again because the show was so addicting to watch.  It's also been like 10 degrees all week and very cold.  I hate the cold and don't want to go outside and my room is damn cold as well.  I've been mentally drained because of work and just didn't really feel like doing anything.

That's hard for me some days or weeks.  I just wake up and don't have energy or that fire to do anything that I want to do.  I didn't cave in and play games or anything at least.  I've just been a little depressed because I'm frustrated with a few things in my living situation and with work.  I won't be discussing those issues on here so please don't try to give advice on these issues.  I just know those are things that get me stressed out.

Matt

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Its simple to stay focused as long as everything goes well irl. Why should we go back to gaming, mindeless surfing etc. when everything works great irl? Mostly we waste our time, because there are problems which we dont want to face. So its absolutely normal that you dont do that good like before you came into this stress with work etc. But hey? You came into a tough situation and you didnt relapse. Thats fantastic! Keep that in mind.

but yea, bing watching shows etc. is definetely something which you shouldnt do too. Maybe you have something in mind you can do at such days(stressful days) which is more productive but still makes you feel good(without much input)? Could be anything. Think about it

Wish you the best mate, maybe my advice helps a bit. I will follow your journal, ill look forward to (postive) updates!!

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