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I'm depressed. I'm getting tired of living at home. I can't discuss why because I don't have permission to talk about them and don't think it's fair to do that publicly. 

I also have frustrations with work, but don't want to write about it publicly either. 

These issues have left me depressed. I build frustration during the day and just want mental and physical release. That's another reason I crave porn, but it doesn't fix life issues. I worked with my artists on Saturday and had so much fun. I really just want to produce content and be a writer. My life is stale. I don't want to enjoy life or relax because that takes time away from my writing  which could lead to a new life. But I'm also depressed because I'm not having fun!

Haha I can't fucking win!

I can win.  It's about balance. If i keep thinking about depression and sadness I'm going to be miserable all day. That's why I'm writing here. My steps now are to get through work, don't take a lunch break and eat at my desk so i can leave earlier, view this rock climbing gym with a friend because I wanted to be more social and physical, maybe meet a woman who is physically fit, etc. 

I can write at home and still have a few hours. I got to work earlier so i could leave earlier. 

I'm tired of not living life because of situational depression. I want happy and empowering environments. I also am tired of not being happy. I'm tired of not going out there and living life and challenging myself to meet the woman I deserve, see the place I want, eat the food I want. 

I'm making enough money for this, but I'm so tired at the end of the day. I work 8 to 10 hours a day, commute 2.5 hours each day, and go to the gym for an hour.  Let's say that's 14 hours a day, plus 8 hours of sleep is 22 hours a day.  In those 2 spare hours I'm so tired I can't work on my cartoon or side projects. Then I have friends trying to see me on weekends. So I squeeze the most out of each week and then pack my weekends. 

This lifestyle screams failure. If I'm working that hard with a 15% happiness rate there's no puzzle as to why I'm watching porn and used to game. I'm looking for anything to balance my unhappiness with happiness. 

Say I get 8 hours of sleep each day and say I have 16 hours of day.  I'm unhappy for 12 to 14 of those hours.  That is anywhere from 75 to 87.5% unhappy for 5 days a week. Weekends I'm unhappy for about 50% of the time. 

Look at that!

I'm not crazy for being unhappy. I know it. Life wasn't meant to be this garbage. I'm not being treated poorly at work or anything. They treat me like gold and my coworkers are wonderful. I just think there's more to life than this. The young and happy coworker that bothered me takes long lunches, leaves early, and does little work when not distracting me. Just annoying. 

Also, I'm daydreaming again because I'm just happier working on projects I enjoy. I'm not enjoying things right now or ever in my career or internships. They've been a major disappointment. 

It's just hard to stay focused sometimes in work when I'm not enjoying life. I get so jealous of happy people. I see all my time getting eaten away. I also see that I keep fucking volunteering for things. I'm stopping this in April because I can't back out of something now, but I'm tired of this shit. I'm not happy or enjoying life at all and I'm supplanting happiness with work and instant gratification. 

I know I'm overthinking right now, but I think this is more of a meltdown than daydreaming. They are causing daydreams. 

I'm just so fucking bored. If I do something boring I just lose interest and even if I get the chance to do something fun I just don't want to. I just want to go home and sleep or watch porn. Stupid. So stupid. I'm so tired from doing nothing. I ask to do work and finish it. Then it has to get checked but there's a huge queue of work to be checked so I just sit here. 

I keep adding to this. I'll stop. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
Idk

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I'm going to relapse today. I know it. I don't want to gi ti the gym. I had to miss last week anyways. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna work out for an hour and then have to not go because of vacation and stuff. I'm so tired. Even if I don't relapse today I'll do it tomorrow or something. Fuck. 

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Are you all right?

I have said this a few times, but you don't need to go to the gym to work out. Try some aerobics at home, like planks, push-ups. Or yoga. It only takes ten minutes to make you feel better.

I don't know much about porn addiction, but it sounds like you are going through some withdrawal symptoms.

Also, 2.5 hrs commuting per day is a lot. If you are taking a train then you can read and write while on it. But driving 2.5 hrs/day can be exhaustive for anyone. 

That being said, life can be difficult but we don't have to feel depressed about it.

I hope you get better soon.

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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:

Are you all right?

I have said this a few times, but you don't need to go to the gym to work out. Try some aerobics at home, like planks, push-ups. Or yoga. It only takes ten minutes to make you feel better.

I don't know much about porn addiction, but it sounds like you are going through some withdrawal symptoms.

Also, 2.5 hrs commuting per day is a lot. If you are taking a train then you can read and write while on it. But driving 2.5 hrs/day can be exhaustive for anyone. 

That being said, life can be difficult but we don't have to feel depressed about it.

I hope you get better soon.

I'm not ok.  I am struggling a lot with many things.  To summarize porn addiction, you can watch a video called "Your Brain on Porn" by What Ive Learned on YouTube.  The effect it has on your mind is similar to a cocaine addict.  It's unreal.

I apologize for sounding crude, but right now I want to have sex more than anything in the world and it's driving me insane lol.  I also was so bored at work today.  I was given 8 hours to do a task and I finished it in 30 minutes and had nothing to do.  Not good if you're questioning your career and battling porn, social media, and video game addictions.  

I managed to go to the gym and feel better, but the cravings are still there.  I have time to write now because of how I set my day up, but I don't want to. My mind is all over the place.

I sound like a pig or something.  I can't help it.  This is terrible trying to quit porn when you're single and can't do anything.

Edited by BooksandTrees

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I relapsed with porn today. I made it 9 days. I'm more at peace right now than depressed. I'm actually not depressed at all. That was the longest I've gone without it by 2 days. 

Honestly, I'm under the impression that I'm going to struggle with quitting porn. I needed 4 years to quit gaming and I'm on month 2 of porn. I've cut my usage down from 15 times per week to less than once per week. 

I'm making progress. I'm not angry. I understand how hard this is to quit.

I went to the gym, ate healthy food, took a cold shower, but couldn't do my hobbies. My mind was gone. Off to try another steak. 

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Hey, I want to cheer you up a bit, but I really don't know what to say. It is really an achievement to go 9 days without porn considering you are single. Don't think it is impossible to quit porn, you can do it! 

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3 hours ago, Vera said:

Hey, I want to cheer you up a bit, but I really don't know what to say. It is really an achievement to go 9 days without porn considering you are single. Don't think it is impossible to quit porn, you can do it! 

Thanks. I think I'll be ok. At the core of my issues are 2 large issues among others. 1 is life satisfaction and the other is a relationship growth and confidence. I think porn and these instant gratification things treat the symptoms but not the cause. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I think I'll be ok. At the core of my issues are 2 large issues among others. 1 is life satisfaction and the other is a relationship growth and confidence. I think porn and these instant gratification things treat the symptoms but not the cause. 

For life satisfaction or happiness, you have to progress in virtue while having enough to live. The wise Aristoteles explains it very well in his book 1 of Ethics to Nicomachus. He puts aside wealth, honor, power, wisdom because you can be unhappy with it, while virtuous people are happy or at least serene if things go wrong. It's true also for christians, God doesn't give his graces to the vicious ones.

For relationship growth and confidence, I'm not the good one to talk as I'm far from good in this domain.

For porn, passing from approx 2 times a day to 1 time a week is already encouraging ! Good job improving like this in two months. After a week without porn or masturbating, it's harder to resist because you produced enough semen, so you have to boost up your motivation to be successful resisting. When I stopped masturbating at 15, I was waking up every night with horrible cravings during almost an hour. It was this way 3 months, if I hadn't being 100% sure I wanted to quit, I would have relapsed. Serving God and masturbating are not compatible so I had a huge motivation there. It's the same for you, you have to find your main reasons to stop porn, and you have to stay focused on them. And by the way, something helpful : put aside anything concerning sex (thoughts, looks at ladies...). You can't stop porn if you look at or think about the ladies with desire, you have to focus on their inner qualities and to look for spiritual love first. It sounds decouraging maybe, but that will boost at lot life satisfaction once you made good habits, and it will be easier by a lot. It's the same for me as a married man, my couple is much more fulfiing if I resist all sexual desire of my wife outside of intimacy time and if I flow with them only when it's time for intimacy.

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I just feel like I can't pull myself out right now. I really dislike so much about my life. I just want to go away and be alone or something. Just frustrated everywhere. 

Also, I was 100% right about my coworker. If i didn't lean into her cubicle to talk to her and just acted normal she ignored me. She literally ignored me all day except for asking for help. But she sat at lunch and talked to everyone and only talked about herself. 

This is how that girl from 2 years ago acted. If I didn't give her attention she'd ignore me and never ask how I'm doing. I'm so angry that I fell for this AGAIN. How much of a fucking loser am I? These selfish people fucking make you feel special when you're nothing to them.

That's not the only reason I'm depressed today. The huge post at the top of this page is. I just wanted to update the people keeping tabs on my life. 

Thanks

Edited by BooksandTrees

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2 hours ago, Mouxine said:

For life satisfaction or happiness, you have to progress in virtue while having enough to live. The wise Aristoteles explains it very well in his book 1 of Ethics to Nicomachus. He puts aside wealth, honor, power, wisdom because you can be unhappy with it, while virtuous people are happy or at least serene if things go wrong. It's true also for christians, God doesn't give his graces to the vicious ones.

For relationship growth and confidence, I'm not the good one to talk as I'm far from good in this domain.

For porn, passing from approx 2 times a day to 1 time a week is already encouraging ! Good job improving like this in two months. After a week without porn or masturbating, it's harder to resist because you produced enough semen, so you have to boost up your motivation to be successful resisting. When I stopped masturbating at 15, I was waking up every night with horrible cravings during almost an hour. It was this way 3 months, if I hadn't being 100% sure I wanted to quit, I would have relapsed. Serving God and masturbating are not compatible so I had a huge motivation there. It's the same for you, you have to find your main reasons to stop porn, and you have to stay focused on them. And by the way, something helpful : put aside anything concerning sex (thoughts, looks at ladies...). You can't stop porn if you look at or think about the ladies with desire, you have to focus on their inner qualities and to look for spiritual love first. It sounds decouraging maybe, but that will boost at lot life satisfaction once you made good habits, and it will be easier by a lot. It's the same for me as a married man, my couple is much more fulfiing if I resist all sexual desire of my wife outside of intimacy time and if I flow with them only when it's time for intimacy.

Thank you for the words. I agree. I'm getting better here. I also agree with the first point. I just feel like I've only collected a pay check over the years. 

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I can't agree on putting wisdom aside, @Mouxine

The desire to have sex is perfectly normal. It is healthy, there's nothing wrong with it. Finding a girlfriend? You can handle it. But you will have to devote time and attention to her, so your schedule will be even more hectic if you try to squeeze some time for her into it. By the way, do you drive for all 2.5 hours of your commute?  It's just way too far! Can you find a place to live a bit closer to your work?

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@Vera What if you are wise enough to know what's good for you and others but you don't have enough courage and moderation to accomplish it ? That hurts a lot more than if you weren't wise... In that case, being wise is a curse. But you are mostly right because when one becomes more virtuous, he also often become wiser, and a wise man often knows that he has to work on himself to become better.

@BooksandTrees I'm glad my words can help, I'm really not confident when I'm writing advices !

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@Veraand @Mouxine I appreciate the replies and agree with parts of both perspectives. 

Here's my take:

I'm struggling with instant gratification habits and have been for years. I think it's due to a few things: not being fulfilled or happy with the core direction of my life; coping mechanisms for traumatic abuse in my life; and stress releases from neglecting healthy social, physical, and mental release. 

I'm not facilitating my creative needs with my career. I never will. I feel trapped and upset. My job is so unique and difficult that it requires intense critical thinking for virtually every task and they're all new, so it requires constant learning. There is a difference between this and creative problem solving. Most of the challenges in my field are not solved by creative designs or thought processes because everything is governed by federal design standards and have almost no wiggle room. You just have to know where to look in design manuals and apply plug and chug equations. If something makes the equations work then that's your design. It's nothing thought provoking.

Due to the nature of my thinking requirements at work I'm left utterly brain dead at home and drained. I go to the gym or find a fun exercise to feel better, or socialize with a friend or both, but this leaves me exhausted in a balanced way in all the areas. The problem with this is that I feel happy when I'm balanced, but it only lasts a short period of time because after my body is healthy, I realize I'm still unhappy. The career I lead is boring. If I get a girlfriend or a family, I'll work to make money for them, which will make me happy, but I won't be achieving my dreams. I saw too many people in my life do this and they have nothing but regret now. I'm not doing it. 

I want to find a life that makes me happy to be alive. I shouldn't be enjoying only 1 to 3 days per week. I should be enjoying over half the week. 

When my ultimate happiness is nonexistent then it really doesn't matter what I do to balance my life out. Cutting bad habits uncovers the source of my unhappiness and reasons for turning to bad habits in the first place. I will not stand it anymore. 

You can only replace bad habits with good ones. I replaced gaming with exercise, socializing, and a few hobbies. I'm free now. I need to replace porn with real sex and a girlfriend. I love passionate romance with scintillating sex and don't feel bad about it. I don't even want kids. I just want to find that woman who I will enjoy that life with. I want love and lust together and believe it's right. 

I've hidden away from it through porn, lack of confidence, fear of it failing before it starts since I've seen relationships fail too often with cheating, abuse, and neglect. I also fear if I get a relationship I'll be stuck in my career. But I've talked about leaving for 5 years now. 5 years is long enough to know it's not working. 

Yes, I'm making money and getting healthcare, but I'm just so fucking uninterested. I even have fantastic coworkers, a great company who lets me work on every style of project in my industry, and promotes me. I left a bad job for this one and I don't like it most of the time. 

That's the reason I got infatuated with my coworker. She makes me enjoy the office because I enjoy her presence. She made me happy in a place I was void of any happiness whatsoever. 

I forgive myself for being angry. It's not her fault. We both flirted and I finally felt happiness after not being happy at work for 5 years. Happiness is so rare and powerful and I just met it with unmatched hunger and then anger. Anger for the fact I'm not happy, anger for realizing I can't be happy with my current life and with this woman who we all know isn't totally interested and dating at work is bad anyways. 

I need a new life where my heart feels something other than aches, heartburn, and a pit of sorrow. I'm tired of crying in my car or on my walks around my parking lot 3 times per day. I'm done. I want to live life. 

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16 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

In an ideal world, what would that be? If you'd not be limited by anything like time, money, distance... What would the idea life be?

I don't really know yet to be honest. Right now my dream world would be to have a small cartoon studio where I could write and produce a show, write books, work in an engaging environment where I can talk with my artists and collaborate. 

I also want my own website where I can write my funny satire, produce videos, and maybe other things. 

I want the freedom to find this out. I am not enjoying life enough to find this out. I'm struggling mentally to deal with regular life and just left with scraps of time when I'm not at my best. 

I feel motivated when I'm writing, creating, making people laugh, socializing, and working on projects I care about. 

I don't even want a huge home. I could buy a house right now with my savings and I just see these 3 bedroom 2 bathroom homes that would be filled with nothing. If I get that home I'd be forced to be at my career longer and I just don't truly enjoy it. I really love writing. 

I'd also like to help people quit gaming. I really enjoy writing about my experience and journaling. 

I love detailing this stuff out. 

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If your job is as bad for your mental health as it seems in this journal, for one more time I'll say change it. You've been writing about how frustrated you are with it for a long time, and it is saddening me to see you linger in the situation. This is just my opinion but aren't we here to do things differently than we've been doing them so far while we gamed? Are you doing life differently now than before, or are you lingering, maybe uncertain to take any direction? I wish you to find some path, any path, and try it to see if it will give you different results. And then, another thing to consider is whether you're just dissatisfied with everything because you're used to it and, like Madame Bovary, are waiting for something else to come and make you happy, which will never happen cause happiness doesn't work like that. It's a way to look at the world, a mindset of seeing the good things we have in life and recognizing not everyone has them, all the while trying to be better still every day. 

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Rent a place close to your work. This will give you 2 hours every day. You also mentioned you don't like being at home because of pressure it puts on you. You won't lose a lot of money on rent, but you will get a chance to at least relax and work on your cartoon!

You won't be happy even if you buy a house, even if it will be big and beautiful and full of stuff. Even someone else like a gf or a wife won't bring you happiness. Relationships at this stage won't be useful because you are not ready to invest into another human, you have to heal yourself first. 

 

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If I rent a place I will have to pay $1,200 per month for base rent plus $100-300 per month for utilities and food.  My savings will go down by almost $20,000 per year.  I have no issue doing this, but the style of apartment that I'd be getting would be in a stupid multi-unit complex and most of the people in these complexes are one or more of a mixture of poor, loud, ignorant, and inconvenient.  I'm tired of it.  It's like a college dormitory for people with low income and low morals.  I don't want to move closer to the city and share a place with random young professionals because I'm kind of tired of that.  I rented with young professionals for the past 5 years and I'm just tired of the drama involved with potential relationships they have, house rules, quiet issues, people slamming doors, eating your food, or just passive aggressiveness.  I set out rules beforehand and let people know what is going on and it works for a bit, but after a while I just don't like them.  Apartments are also a 1-2 year commitment where I live.  That's another 1-2 years where I'm stuck at this job.  Living at home has allowed me to sort of focus on the idea of not liking my job.

@Vera I used to live 5 minutes from my job.  I still hated how it wore me out.  I lived in a mansion on waterfront property 5 minutes from my job and was saving over $10,000 per year.  I was still unhappy with the career I had because it was not making me happy.  My coworkers were and are fantastic, but the project hours and styles really put me off.  I constantly struggled to be happy and ended up getting addicted to video games again.

@fawn_xoxo is correct about needing to make a change.  I can't quit yet because I'd owe a few thousand dollars due to them paying my school loans.  I have to wait until the beginning of summer unfortunately.  I understand what you are saying and I'm not ignoring it.  But if I leave now I'd owe them money.  I did that when I quit my last job and it really sucked.  I don't want to experience it again.  If I wait til summer I'll not have to owe the money and also earn a few thousand dollars for my savings.  This is a double win for me and will allow me to have more resume freedom if I decide to ever pursue a job in this career again.  I have a few months before reaching a major milestone for myself.  Bear with me here lol.  I hear you.  I just need to wait.

This period from now until then is going to allow me 3 months to plan out the next chapter of my life.  I was invited to animation school.  Do I pursue this?  I will most likely plan a visit to the university during this time.  I also have a few website ideas I'd like to flesh out.  I also have 4 styles of books I'd like to write. Are any of them reasonable?  Not to mention my cartoon studio dream.  I really want to focus on this.  If I quit my job, will I still want to focus on it?  I need to put a few months into it and see.  My strengths are working as a team, planning, comedy, motivating people, storytelling, imaginative thinking, and critical thinking.  My work ethic is also second to none when I need it to be.  I've also proven to be a strong marketing force by winning several million dollars worth of projects on my own without any help in the past few years (without any bonus in pay or reward for it, thanks both companies).  I have the eyes and passion for this.  I will now have these few months to realize whether they're real or not.

I've never taken any time in life to try and understand myself or figure out who I am.  I just forced my way down paths to prove I could do them and did it for other people.  I did things for me as in my pride, but I never did anything for the real me, for happiness.  Quitting games, social media, and porn have opened my mind, eyes, and heart to what life has to offer.  I still struggle with porn, but I'm rapidly improving.

I appreciate everyone's input.  I consider it all and it does help shape my path.  

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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It is good to read you plan the change like this. It's hard, I know it, but we have to change things and try things to figure out who we are once this big gaming "trait" is removed from the equation of our personality balance. Some things will stick and others won't and that's alright, we lost some time and are experiencing "young adult experimentations" some years later, at least we are doing it now and not wasting more time online and off-life.

When the day sucks, accept your emotions, stop fighting them. They come and go, like the waves of the ocean on the beach, and you don't control them. You control your beliefs, which filter your life and give you these emotions as a result; if you think your beliefs are wrong, work on that, if not just accept that your situation will suck for a while and do as well as you can with the free time you have now. Remember that you're waiting it out for a better life and it won't last forever. 

You are trying to make things better, don't forget this, or how long you've been without the crutch of gaming.

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Hey, I just want to let you know that I hear that you're struggling right now and I'm rooting for you. Thanks for being so open about what you're going through and what help/support we can offer!

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