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BooksandTrees

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2 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

I have more and more the feeling that there will always be some kind of suffering in the world. Also in our personal lives. But I think that we need some reasons or goals to go towards so that we can justify the suffering.

 

12 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree. I just need to feel more appreciated at work. I'm the kind of person who thrives when you say simple things like thank you and good job. 

What I find odd is that people generally hardly ever get praised for doing well at their employment where they work, for example, 40 hours a week. It's mostly assumed that you do it for money, therefore it requires hardly any additional recognition.

I think that hobbies are much more effective at getting recognition, because we don't need to do any specific one of them. Therefore they are 100% us. I got complimented on my blog a few times, even though I do not think I put in more than 50 hours into it yet. So far I spent about 4500 hours "making money" in official employments, but I can't imagine having someone come to me every week and genuinely say they appreciate what I do.

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14 minutes ago, Ikar said:

 

What I find odd is that people generally hardly ever get praised for doing well at their employment where they work, for example, 40 hours a week. It's mostly assumed that you do it for money, therefore it requires hardly any additional recognition.

I think that hobbies are much more effective at getting recognition, because we don't need to do any specific one of them. Therefore they are 100% us. I got complimented on my blog a few times, even though I do not think I put in more than 50 hours into it yet. So far I spent about 4500 hours "making money" in official employments, but I can't imagine having someone come to me every week and genuinely say they appreciate what I do.

Dude, it's unreal. I made a 2 second animation and got celebrated for it by at least 40 people. I design a structure that usually takes 2 months in just 3 weeks. Nothing. 

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I think that this can not be generalized. For instance, if I take the example of my mother: She is a doctor and sometimes, her workdays are quite rough. It is not always easy. But occasionally, she gets some nice compliments or the occasional letter from former patients stating, how much she has helped them. I also heard similar things from my old teachers. But when it comes to the relationship between teachers and students, it is often only until the students are finished with school that they appreciate, what the teacher has done for them. And then they become thankful even for stuff, they absolutely hated, when it in fact happenend. So it definitely can happen that we get praised for what we have done. I don't expect to get praised every single day, once I will be a clinical psychologist. Might actually be quite the opposite sometimes. But of course the occasional thank you here and there can be very nice for our ego.

But I also think that we should not count on them regularly. I think it is also very important, that we consider ourselves and the value, the work can provide for us as equally important. Which sounds quite egotistic or whatever at first. Yet it could prove to be useful: If we focus on us, try to improve as people and stay as passionate for the things we love, we are not only serving ourselves, but society and other people as well. For instance, the really successful blogs, which have quite a huge impact in peoples lives are not those, which were praised with the most positive reinforcements at the beginning, but only the bloggers, who constantly worked on it, put effort in it and were even posting articles, when no one was reading them. Eventually, once we build up a reputation, things might change. I mean, when people start to lose weight, there is not a lot of positive reinforcement at first. Only at a later time, when people see the difference and when results show, we get some kind of appreciation or compliments.  

What I want to say is that we should always look at it from the perspective, where we are not doing things, because we get praised for it, but because we do things very well for quite a while. This than might lead to not only personal success, but also to positive feedback from other people as well.

Edited by Alexanderle
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9 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Dude, it's unreal. I made a 2 second animation and got celebrated for it by at least 40 people. I design a structure that usually takes 2 months in just 3 weeks. Nothing. 

I also think it has something to do with the complexity of the thing you do. Just about everybody can appreciate or at least understand that a player in football scored a great goal or made a great pass. I can compliment you on that Voltorb, because I used to play a lot of Pokémon, played the TCG and watched the series, so it struck a chord with me. But if you design a structure in less than a half the normal time, I can't really appreciate the beauty of it, because I know nothing about it and my compliment would look untrustworthy. All I know is that you are efficient/good at what you do, but there's no emotional attachment to that. Humans are assholes and we like that emotional attachment 😄

Is there anyone at work you'd like to get the compliment from? Someone you'd like to start a compliment ping-pong here and there? It obviously can't happen if you hold no respect for the sender.

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1 minute ago, Alexanderle said:

I think that this can not be generalized. For instance, if I take the example of my mother: She is a doctor and sometimes, her workdays are quite rough. It is not always easy. But occasionally, she gets some nice compliments or the occasional letter from former patients stating, how much she has helped them. I also heard similar things from my old teachers. But when it comes to the relationship between teachers and students, it is often only until the students are finished with school that they appreciate, what the teacher has done for them. And then they become thankful even for stuff, they absolutely hated, when it in fact happenend. So it definitely can happen that we get praised for what we have done. I don't expect to get praised every single day, once I will be a clinical psychologist. Might actually be quite the opposite sometimes. But of course the occasional thank you here and there can be very nice for our ego.

But I also think that we should not count on them regularly. I think it is also very important, what we consider ourselves and the value, the work can provide for us. Which sounds quite egotistic or whatever at first. Yet it could prove to be useful: If we focus on us, try to improve as people and stay as passionate for the things we love as possible, we are not only serving ourselves, but society and other people as well. For instance, the really successful blogs, which have quite a huge impact in peoples lives are not those, which were praised with the most positive reinforcements at the beginning, but only the bloggers, who constantly worked on it, put effort in it and were even posting articles, when no one was reading them. Eventually, once we build up a reputation, things might change. I mean, when people start to lose weight, there is not a lot of positive reinforcement at first. Only at a later time, when people see the difference and when results show, we get some kind of appreciation or compliments.  

What I want to say is that we should always look from it from the perspective, where we are not doing things, because we get praised for it, but because we do things very well for quite a while. This than might lead to not only personal success, but also from positive feedback from other people as well.

I get what you're saying, but I do think you're generalizing it away from my specific example. On my page I really only want to talk about me and not have a conversation topic for a forum.

I'm sorry to sound like a jerk, but it's just not what I want to talk about on my diary.

I don't want the focus of what I'm talking about to be generalized. It's my specific work environment that is thankless and I wanted to highlight this. I've been told in therapy and practice all the time how to not depend on others for the gratitude etc, but I'm not appreciating not being appreciated for the level of demand I'm being demanded. 

I also don't want to speak poorly about my employer either. I love my company. I'm talking about my situation only and not in general. I'm just voicing my thoughts here anonymously and that's it frankly. 

I've mentioned the burnout and thankless piece often over the past 6 weeks and it's not clearing up.

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2 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I also think it has something to do with the complexity of the thing you do. Just about everybody can appreciate or at least understand that a player in football scored a great goal or made a great pass. I can compliment you on that Voltorb, because I used to play a lot of Pokémon, played the TCG and watched the series, so it struck a chord with me. But if you design a structure in less than a half the normal time, I can't really appreciate the beauty of it, because I know nothing about it and my compliment would look untrustworthy. All I know is that you are efficient/good at what you do, but there's no emotional attachment to that. Humans are assholes and we like that emotional attachment 😄

Is there anyone at work you'd like to get the compliment from? Someone you'd like to start a compliment ping-pong here and there? It obviously can't happen if you hold no respect for the sender.

I don't care at all if you compliment me. I don't care for anyone's opinion on this forum for my work achievements since you don't understand what I do. 

I think you guys are not understanding how I want to talk right now. I just wanted to highlight how I don't feel appreciated by management. That's it. I just want a thank you

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Sorry to act rudely to you guys, but I'm just not wanting to talk about those specific things and we're getting off track from helping me. I just wanted some consolation and understanding and not make it generalized. I'm struggling a lot right now more than I can share on here and don't want to have a discussion. I just want some understanding and some kind words. Way too off track. 

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1 minute ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry to act rudely to you guys, but I'm just not wanting to talk about those specific things and we're getting off track from helping me. I just wanted some consolation and understanding and not make it generalized. I'm struggling a lot right now more than I can share on here and don't want to have a discussion. I just want some understanding and some kind words. Way too off track.

I get that. Sometimes, it is quite helpful to throw in a generalized statement, because it can deliver a new perspective on issues. Sometimes it doesn't. You are not rude. That is the positive thing of the forum. We don't know each other really. It would be a different thing, if a friend would push me away. So I don't consider it rude. I surely understand that it sucks not to get the appreciation you want. I struggle with this sometimes as well.

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Yesterday was better at the end. I had a video call with my friends and had a beer. It was nice. I relaxed the rest of the night and had a good day today. I think I finished all of my work finally after 3 long weeks. Probably some final crap tomorrow, but that's it.

I think I made a discovery about Hinge and other dating apps. It's not a brand new discovery, but something I was oblivious to and wanted to test out:

If you're a free user on a dating website, the company, Hinge or Tinder, won't show you the most attractive women in your vicinity. For the past 4 weeks I have been swiping on women. I found that once I use up my allotted free swipes more attractive women show up. I do no swipe consecutively. I think I swipe through 10 out of 30 people or 10 out of 50 even in some cases.

What happens is these dating apps assign point values to your account. If more people swipe your account then you're deemed more popular. The dating app company realizes that they can make money off of you so they will put your profile on display over a person with a lower rating. 

What I've experimented with is constantly hitting the "x" button and not liking people's profiles. When I had available swipes to use, I would end up seeing the same available women for over a week. Once I swiped on them and ran out of swipes, I suddenly found MUCH more attractive women. I swiped through these newer, attractive women and never found a repeat. I kept hitting the x button over and over again for up to 100 women and I never saw a repeat. As I mentioned before, if I had available swipes I would find that I'd run into the same women up to 5 times per 100 x button hits.

So basically you're getting watered down people. Be it male or female searches you're looking for, you will get offered to swipe on far less attractive men and women based on their point assignments.

That's if you are a free user. Once you sign up for membership, the same thing happens, but on a different scale. You'll have more matches available, but you'll be encouraged to use the "hot spot hour" or "boost hour" or some gimmick to get you to use points (money) to make your profile go to the top of the stack.

But consider this:

Most men swipe on women effortlessly because they're trying to get as many matches as possible and are generally less patient in their searches. This means whenever a woman swipes "yes" on a man it will almost always be a match for her. That means regardless of how much you boost your profile that you will never get the proper amount of exposure because the woman you're interested in will most likely have 10-20 people available immediately.

Hinge is slightly better since you can at least directly message the woman or man you're searching interested in dating. The issue is what I mentioned before where Hinge withholds the more attractive and desirable members until you pay.

Should you pay? Nope. Not fucking worth it. Paying makes you feel compelled to spend at least 1-2 hours swiping on profiles and talking to people. Eventually, you'll be spending more time on the app than you did with video games and porn. And the excitement of seeing a new potential mate gives a large dopamine rush almost as exciting as pornography, because porn's biggest draw is the possibility of seeing new things. It's not about the orgasm you get from porn. It's the searching for mates and watching them. Once you orgasm you close the browser in disgust. 

So that brings forth the question are online dating apps basically porn? You can swipe through hundreds of mates of all genders, races, heights, weights, ethnicity, etc. I think these apps are almost identical to pornography websites. It's no wonder my porn usage has decreased during my time on here. I get to see potential mates that are actually real and interactive. It's the social component of video games with the mating component of pornography. Just a giant addiction waiting to happen.

I decided to perform this research after giving @Erik2.0 some advice for dating profiles.  

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Thanks for the investigative rundown on these sites. I feel like I have almost no chance of meeting someone the way things are. Even without CV. If someone isn't interested at a club I join that's pretty much it for me. I don't really feel okay approaching women in public or haven't.

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11 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thanks for the investigative rundown on these sites. I feel like I have almost no chance of meeting someone the way things are. Even without CV. If someone isn't interested at a club I join that's pretty much it for me. I don't really feel okay approaching women in public or haven't.

Take your time with it. Who knows? You could go to a bbq or cookout and meet someone there or a friend will know somebody or something completely unpredictable, which tends to happen all of the time for others.

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Good research. I also thought there was something going on behind the scenes to keep users spend more time on the apps. I also remember being hyper-aroused for the first few days, because I do not watch porn or anything that resembles it. I got rid of them today. Out of those dozens of matches and IG messages over a few weeks I got writing more with just two of them. The first one wasn't able to ask me anything and the second one watches series for 10 hours a day these times. Nope!

7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thanks for the investigative rundown on these sites. I feel like I have almost no chance of meeting someone the way things are. Even without CV. If someone isn't interested at a club I join that's pretty much it for me. I don't really feel okay approaching women in public or haven't.

 

7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Take your time with it. Who knows? You could go to a bbq or cookout and meet someone there or a friend will know somebody or something completely unpredictable, which tends to happen all of the time for others.

I agree with Books. Join clubs, go to small friend-organized parties, BBQs - whatever floats your boat and start building connections. After a few visits, you'll feel more relaxed, because you'll notice you know half the people there. The girl I am currently going on walks with I remember I saw before at some event, but I just didn't get to talk to her until a couple of weeks later at another event. Don't forget to talk to guys too!

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Interesting insight. There have been many debates regarding the "tinder-algorithm" and many seem to indicate that the smart way of swiping would be to not match everything you find, but only like one third of them. I am not into the "science" here. But did I understand that right: If you have swipes available, you will keep seeing the same people? And if my swipes are gone, I see more attractive people? 

12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

If more people swipe your account then you're deemed more popular. The dating app company realizes that they can make money off of you so they will put your profile on display over a person with a lower rating. 

So this makes a lot of sense that your profile might be shown more often, if you get more likes. But how is the company getting more money out of you? Aren't those people, who buy a premium something those, who think they will have more success as a result? So maybe even those people, who are having not a lot of success might be more inclined to get a premium account. Why should I waste money, when I get 20 matches every day?

And what is your conclusion of this research? That I should get rid of all my available swipes? Not swipe right everything? 

Regarding the porn comparison I agree. It can be a huge timer waster. I spend whole evenings with girls chatting, time, I never get back... 

12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

And the excitement of seeing a new potential mate gives a large dopamine rush almost as exciting as pornography, because porn's biggest draw is the possibility of seeing new things. It's not about the orgasm you get from porn.

That was the most interesting thing in your post. I know, where you are coming from, but what would the porn session be without the orgasm? So I think that the orgasm certainly plays a part in the whole equation, but of course, the possibility to looking for the "perfect video" is huge. I sometimes actually had decided not "to end it" and to instead spend more time watching porn. So in a certain way, there has to be some kind of "payoff", otherwise, we would not do it. What I think, makes tinder comparable to porn, as well as social media in general that it creates a gigantic availability of options. You don't have to settle for just one post, one article, one video or one person. There might be always something else, even something better. This is perfectly illustrated in one how i met your mother episode, where Barney shows his phone number in public television and all the sudden receives an endless flood of calls from women. However, he is never satisfied and always want to go for more, an even better one. Even while having sex, he has this nagging feeling that he is missing out on something. 

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23 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

But how is the company getting more money out of you

Not specifically you, but the more attractive people on the app means they can use your profile to entice people to spend mor time on the app. If you keep seeing attractive profiles then you'll spend more time on the app by reading them and swiping. It's like having 50 porn tabs open and searching for more because the options are so plentiful. 

 

26 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

And what is your conclusion of this research? That I should get rid of all my available swipes? Not swipe right everything? 

I think my conclusion is to delete the app or just see it for what it is and never pay for it. Yes, you'll meet and talk to women or men, but you have a higher likelihood of developing a better connection with someone in person. 

I also find that because women can't see your profile online that you stand a better chance to date more attractive women in person because you're visible. When I'm rock climbing, at work, at a gathering, shopping, e.t.c,  I get tons of attention from women and sometimes men even though I'm heterosexual. 

I think just be patient and wait the virus out and then be observant and opportunistic when a woman is nearby at a gathering. 

Like @Ikar said,  make sure you talk to guys also because you want to be involved with the community you're in and not just being desperate. People are attracted to the leaders of the pack and people who seemingly have it all together. So if you display you're functional in the group and one of the leaders you're naturally more attractive. 

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22 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Take your time with it. Who knows? You could go to a bbq or cookout and meet someone there or a friend will know somebody or something completely unpredictable, which tends to happen all of the time for others.

Good point. I won't lose hope. I did a lot to actually just not give up on meeting someone.

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Today I'm 79 weeks free from video games. It's been one of the more difficult weeks for me. I've been more agitated and irritable over the past week or so. I'm tired of working on this one project that I finally finished it. It just makes the whole day unpleasant and miserable. Makes me want to escape. I've been dealing with that by staying in touch with my TV shows, reading, 3d modeling, and talking to friends. Also playing floor hockey in my basement. 

I do admit that I've reminisced about video games this week. Not a craving or anything. I just kind of miss the idea of escapism. For all of you who think you'll never crave games again, you are going to be disappointed. I think what I've learned is that you will remember gaming and the feelings you get and will relapse because those feelings are so strong. But every time you relapse and feel bad about it you are less reminiscent or fond of gaming and you grow to strongly dislike it. I relapsed so many times in 10 years that I sternly hate video games, people who play them, and the culture. It has kept me away. 

So in times like this where I might remember playing a game for a couple hours, I then remember how miserable I felt while playing it. The brain fog it gives me makes me feel miserable, the lack of authentic friendship between other gamers confounds extreme loneliness, the lack of achievement because anything you accomplish in a video game means nothing in life, the physical ailments of poor sleep, poor hygiene, malnutrition, exhaustion, stress from competition and efficiency for exp, and so much more is terrible.

There's nothing fond about any of those emotions I just described. So when people ask me how I deal with eventual cravings, just read the small paragraph I just wrote. Sure, it would be so nice to escape the boredom of life and ALWAYS be entertained, but is it worth it? No. Read how miserable I was in my introduction post or the paragraph I just wrote. That's a miserable and nonsense life.  That sickens me. 

Are newer hobbies that take legitimate talent and thought more difficult? Yes. Does difficulty create frustration and unhappiness? Yes. But think of it like this: When you were a baby and saw your parents walking, you tried walking, but couldn't stand. First thing you did was cry out of frustration. You couldn't use your body the way you wanted. It takes training. 

People trying new hobbies are trying to create masterpieces with art, programming, music, and much more. Did you not forget how it took you between 1 and 2 years to speak? 1-2 years to walk? But what happened after you walked? You ran, you jumped, you skated, and much more.

Get through the first year or two of difficulty with your new hobbies and the rest of your life you'll be able to expand so much on your talents that you will feel expression.

My last example for you is this:

Everyone says exercise is a great way to relieve stress. A lot of people run or work out. Remember crying because you couldn't walk? Imagine if you gave up on walking? You wouldn't be able to exercise. If you're trying to express yourself and have fun with art, but can't draw the fundamentals just remember what you went through. Also, you probably sucked at video games the first time you played them and the competition of trying to be as good as everyone else drove you to become better.

Why not do that in real life? I'm doing it and I challenge you to do it.

So yes, I had a game craving today and that's how I dealt with it. I hope you are inspired by that. I know some can't deal with cravings right now and relapse immediately. Be patient and think.

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

 

I do admit that I've reminisced about video games this week. Not a craving or anything. I just kind of miss the idea of escapism. For all of you who think you'll never crave games again, you are going to be disappointed. I think what I've learned is that you will remember gaming and the feelings you get and will relapse because those feelings are so strong. But every time you relapse and feel bad about it you are less reminiscent or fond of gaming and you grow to strongly dislike it. I relapsed so many times in 10 years that I sternly hate video games, people who play them, and the culture. It has kept me away. 

My last example for you is this:

Everyone says exercise is a great way to relieve stress. A lot of people run or work out. Remember crying because you couldn't walk? Imagine if you gave up on walking? You wouldn't be able to exercise. If you're trying to express yourself and have fun with art, but can't draw the fundamentals just remember what you went through. Also, you probably sucked at video games the first time you played them and the competition of trying to be as good as everyone else drove you to become better.

 

 How about the nostalgia when you played sports with your friends? What about sports days, every english/american school in existence has them I suppose? How about the moments of connection you had with your friends? Tell me about a time when you did something challenging and fun? When you messed around and something happened that was so hilarious it caused you to fall over laughing?

Everybody’s youth (even a gamer’s) is so rich it seems. I think I miss the experience as a whole and in that regard my memories don’t inspire a feeling of guilt.

I also noticed people can run after that fantastic energy of youth not just by playing video games, but by doing other activities ( going “pro” in sports where they accept they may not make into the pro leagues- but interestingly thrive and shock everyone; playing paintball professionally) These healthier alternatives reignite some of that fire of youth, but they don’t let you run around for 16 hours a day.

I actually have a friend who is married with a son who invited me to an airsoft event- his gear was top notch and his enthusiasm in the game unparalleled. The place was full of guys in their mid twenties.

the second paragraph of yours is very inspiring. It reminds me that reward will always find its owner.

Edited by Amphibian220
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10 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

How about the nostalgia when you played sports with your friends? What about sports days, every english/american school in existence has them I suppose? How about the moments of connection you had with your friends? Tell me about a time when you did something challenging and fun? When you messed around and something happened that was so hilarious it caused you to fall over laughing?

I'm not sure if you're asking me specifically for this, but I know that I'm a naturally funny person and I can replicate those authentic laughing experiences in any group I join. I learned this by seeing how I could do that with every new video game with new teammates, or new hobbies like board games, rock climbing, animation friends, etc. The challenging and fun thing I've been doing is rock climbing and animation with friends. They're both so difficult, but so rewarding once I accomplish something new. I'm proud after climbing a new route or creating something visually appealing to me. I've built so many connections with friends through it.

I view rock climbing and street hockey like my old competitive gaming days of Overwatch and NHL or Halo games. They're repetitive, cooperative, competitive, and give me adrenaline. I want to win. Those are realistic and I make real friends during them, not just 5 minutes of friends and maybe get lucky if they join my party chat later to group up. I have these friends and their phone numbers now forever.

It's all about that new alternative and viewpoint on life. You might not get national leaderboard rankings in your new hobbies, but if my cartoon becomes popular on YouTube next year I'd say that's a hit. The cartoon reminds me of RuneScape because it takes years to become good at it and once you're recognized you can do anything with it. You also make money. If I became monetized on YouTube for animation I would be so proud and driven to make more money and better content. It's a dream, but I feel better about that dream than making fake money on RuneScape and celebrating with friends I'll never meet because they're thousands of miles away from me.

10 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Everybody’s youth (even a gamer’s) is so rich it seems. I think I miss the experience as a whole and in that regard my memories don’t inspire a feeling of guilt.

I also noticed people can run after that fantastic energy of youth not just by playing video games, but by doing other activities ( going “pro” in sports where they accept they may not make into the pro leagues- but interestingly thrive and shock everyone; playing paintball professionally) These healthier alternatives reignite some of that fire of youth, but they don’t let you run around for 16 hours a day.

I actually have a friend who is married with a son who invited me to an airsoft event- his gear was top notch and his enthusiasm in the game unparalleled. The place was full of guys in their mid twenties.

the second paragraph of yours is very inspiring. It reminds me that reward will always find its owner.

I think as we grow older we become more responsible and responsibilities suck the life out of you. There's a really good clip on American Dad that I'll post below. It shows how Stan (Father) gets to escape his responsibilities of adulthood and his son, Steve, has to pick them up. He progressively gets older and more upset with life because of how much of a burden life is on people. 

Video games are such a good way for you to neglect your responsibilities in life and go back to those days where nothing mattered and people did stuff for you. But you're still bound to the people who take care of you so you're not totally independent. 

Your friend seems to have really balanced life and his new hobby. I think that's the right approach. Like, I really want to become an animator, rock climb, and live in a sustainable home where I grow my own crops and recycle everything and re-purpose it, do seasonal cooking and jarring things to last longer. People can make the argument that your friend is playing Airsoft and what's the difference between gaming. Well, airsoft equipment costs the same as a gaming computer and setup, but that's where the parallels veer. You can't play airsoft for 18 hours a day for 7 days a week. It's really expensive to do that and most places who host the games close after 10 hours. Video games take the parameters of constraint out of your life. You can play Call of Duty for 24 hours a day if you want. You'll always have people. You're trapped by it. It's unhealthy and also free to do as long as you pay the monthly fee (which is cheaper than 1 round of airsoft).

Which means you have to earn money to play airsoft. It gives you the responsibility and more appreciation for your money spent. That's what I learned with rock climbing. It costs 30 dollars to climb or 700 dollars to climb each year for as many times as I want. That's way more money than 5 dollars a month to play RuneScape or have xbox live.Or 40 dollars to play Overwatch forever. 

Being healthy is having moderation and balance. That's the learning process we're on.

I'm glad my paragraph inspired you and I hope you continue on this journey. I beat my craving and no longer have it today. Sometimes it just lasts a day, a few minutes, or a few days, but after that it's over. You can do it, I can do it, we can all do it.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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That video was entertaining. I can see how we are dumping the responsibility for ourselves on our families when we choose to game. It feels better being more of an adult and working a job, cooking, cleaning etc. I like what you had to say on hobbies. How it takes 1-2 years before something awesome happens with your skill level. I'm still a novice, but I can tell I've gotten better at drawing anime. I'd like to draw some really complicated beautiful colored in stuff. That'd be awesome to get all the proportions and colors just right. I feel like you're at a good place with your animation. How long have you been doing that for? What hobby have you kept with for the longest?

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58 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

That video was entertaining. I can see how we are dumping the responsibility for ourselves on our families when we choose to game. It feels better being more of an adult and working a job, cooking, cleaning etc. I like what you had to say on hobbies. How it takes 1-2 years before something awesome happens with your skill level. I'm still a novice, but I can tell I've gotten better at drawing anime. I'd like to draw some really complicated beautiful colored in stuff. That'd be awesome to get all the proportions and colors just right. I feel like you're at a good place with your animation. How long have you been doing that for? What hobby have you kept with for the longest?

I think you're improving also. It's nice to see. I wanted to make this cartoon since 2015 and started writing it in 2017, but stopped until 2019. I wrote the first episode in 2019 and the outlines for the rest of the 10 episodes of Season 1 and episode 1 of season 2. I started animating on March 30th. I'm making good progress. I'm very hard on myself and hate myself a lot of the time because I feel like I should be modeling like it's my job, but it's not my job. So days like today I feel like a failure for not modeling, but realize I need time away sometimes. That's the hard part. 

These hobbies...I beat myself up for not modeling during the past 5 years, but I have modeled probably 60 hours this month. That's a lot of progress and I definitely see it. 60 hours in 1 month vs 0 hours in 5 years. I've got to be proud.

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Today was tough because I'm still very bad at taking days off and relaxing.

My animation hobby is a lot of work. Sometimes I need a break from it. At some point in the future it won't be so much work because I'll be so comfortable with it, but there are days where I just don't want the stress of making a project. This is compounded with the stress from work where I just don't want to work on anything.

This can sometimes lead me to wanting to watch porn or binge a tv show or even reminisce over video games. I've already touched on the gaming addiction cravings in my last two posts so I won't revisit them. The issue is I feel like I'm a failure if I'm not working on something. RuneScape made me feel like I had to be efficient with my exp all of the time and if I took any time off I'd be wasting time. I applied that to learning in college and became an incredible student and applied that to work and now I'm good at work. It is unfortunately a high stress behavior that will crush me if I don't learn to deal with it now. It contributes to a lot of anxiety. I also couldn't be a bad gamer. I needed to be the best at it. This is why I was a professional gamer. I took it more seriously than other gamers and thoroughly destroyed people when I played.

That stress on top of work and college gave me major health problems that have gone away in my 555 days without gaming. So there's clear correlation between these behaviors and my anxiety. The issue is not doing anything gives me anxiety. I really want to find some activities I can do that are just pleasant and relaxing. Eventually, I see 3d modeling and animation being relaxing. The issue is I'm directly relating it to creating my cartoon. I am very angry at myself for wasting 5 years not animating and modeling, so I feel compelled to complete it. 

This is putting a tremendous amount of stress on me and I'm not totally enjoying it as much as I could be. I think it would be fun to just go on the computer and 3d model a few things. Some days I could model my scene for a cartoon, while other days could be spent making funny things or unrelated things. I was tempted to 3d model today, but it felt like work to me and that stressed me out. I really wanted to make some sort of pokemon just for fun and didn't do it.

The other thing is I'm working with a friend on my project and I feel bad if I work on something else for a day or two. The thing is I know he doesn't care if I do that and he totally works on other things in his spare time as well. So I'm just projecting my expectations on my relationship with him. We have no deadlines for this cartoon to be created. We both have full time jobs and both are doing it for fun. So I'm just turning this hobby into a job.

I tend to turn everything into a job. I think it's because I never had structure in my life until I got addicted to doing well in school in middle school. I then did the same thing with video games. This is because I actually enjoy critical thinking. I really love sitting and problem solving in an interactive way. I enjoy puzzles, math, science, and complex analysis. It's clear that one side of my brain is prominent over the other.

The issue is I've never trained myself to balance this thought process. So I am always working. I learned that some ways I can relax is listening to podcasts where my favorite athletes are interviewed, reading books, cooking, exercising, listening to music, drawing (sometimes), and talking on the phone or in person when the quarantine is gone. I also noticed I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in the past 4 days and didn't realize that. So I think I've been irritable.

It's just another fucking example of being kinder to myself. Give myself a break. Jesus Christ it's so repetitive and yet so necessary. 

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