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BooksandTrees

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's so irritating. I'm very happy to be independent is all I can say lol.

Well, my family was always there for me, regardless what I did. I do not share every believe and have my own ideas, but as they are there for me, I am for them. I see that it was/is not the same for you. Sorry to hear that.

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Today was frustrating because I kept getting called into meetings and barely got any work done. I was going to work late to combat it, but we're not allowed to work overtime during COVID19 so i said fuck it and turned the computer off. I worked on Saturday for free and got nothing out of it and nobody cared. 

So after work i was going to watch porn and binge watch tv, but I downloaded this app called home workout and did the first day of it. I felt more energized and happy because of it. I took a shower and instantly started working on...... yup...3d modeling. It's fucking tough without the tutorials. It took me 2 hours to create part of it. I'll share it in a couple weeks when I'm done. It will seem underwhelming, but the project is a good beginner project and it's also not porn. Thinking about creating something has got my creative juices going and I'm excited and frustrated to problem solve. 

I stayed up too late tonight, but I finished the day very strong so I'm happy. 

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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

So after work i was going to watch porn and binge watch tv, but I downloaded this app called home workout and did the first day of it. I felt more energized and happy because of it. I took a shower and instantly started working on...... yup...3d modeling. It's fucking tough without the tutorials. It took me 2 hours to create part of it. I'll share it in a couple weeks when I'm done. It will seem underwhelming, but the project is a good beginner project and it's also not porn. Thinking about creating something has got my creative juices going and I'm excited and frustrated to problem solve. 

I stayed up too late tonight, but I finished the day very strong so I'm happy. 

That is awesome that you have fought of the urge and did a workout instead. Keep it up! 

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Today was annoying because I had many doctors appointments and team calls/ meetings. I got frustrated and went grocery shopping to get away from it. Nobody was at the store and I got about 4 additional weeks of food to hold me at 6 weeks of food and supplies through the virus peak, if it hits. 

Realistically, certain states like new York will peak before other states. Europe is getting hit all at once. Some parts of the United states haven't really been hit so I fear we're going to be the epicenter this fall when it returns. But since new York hit first and Louisiana is 2 weeks behind I think you might see other states 2 weeks behind them, e.t.c.

I worked later at night to make up for today. Got a lot done, but not doing it again. 

My therapist thinks the drums would be a good idea. I can play acoustic drums and techno with electronic dnb. 

 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Realistically, certain states like new York will peak before other states. Europe is getting hit all at once. Some parts of the United states haven't really been hit so I fear we're going to be the epicenter this fall when it returns. But since new York hit first and Louisiana is 2 weeks behind I think you might see other states 2 weeks behind them, e.t.c.

Hmmm... Washington state was number 7 with the most cases of COVID19 according to Worldometer as of the mid-afternoon PDT and I wasn't entirely sure when will it reach the peak. Did they pass the peak number or do we still have to wait and see? The expected date the peak was reached will happen by April 12th. It was a bit worse in Massachusetts with around 1400 more cases, so I don't think it will be a good time to travel or visit the coffee shops. From what I know is to keep reading books at home without some familiar sounds of the brewing and whatnot. The cafe furniture was placed away completely and I can't carry books and journals around at the moment. I was being forced to do essential activities like grocery shopping, picking up the pill every quarter, etc. I see blue tape at the drugstore when we're being told to be six feet apart from each other when the people were to get prescription drug coverage from the pharmacy section. At the fast food restaurant drive-thru, I see like one car ahead of us which is the new usual. There I was at peace with family (one of my sisters is studying for the tests and the other would start another art program on Monday). Both of my parents are working from home (Mom can't visit my grandmother's house, but she can still work at Michael's just for the curbside pickup, right?). What about me? I was still taking a break from the stress of go-go-going to someplace where my timing is taking the toll of it all with less flexibility. Anyways, I am over halfway through my gap year and I am not sure when it will officially end. There's still some catching up time to work on. I promise to self it will never end until the virus was completely eradicated.

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10 hours ago, Natalie said:

Hmmm... Washington state was number 7 with the most cases of COVID19 according to Worldometer as of the mid-afternoon PDT and I wasn't entirely sure when will it reach the peak. Did they pass the peak number or do we still have to wait and see? The expected date the peak was reached will happen by April 12th. It was a bit worse in Massachusetts with around 1400 more cases, so I don't think it will be a good time to travel or visit the coffee shops. From what I know is to keep reading books at home without some familiar sounds of the brewing and whatnot. The cafe furniture was placed away completely and I can't carry books and journals around at the moment. I was being forced to do essential activities like grocery shopping, picking up the pill every quarter, etc. I see blue tape at the drugstore when we're being told to be six feet apart from each other when the people were to get prescription drug coverage from the pharmacy section. At the fast food restaurant drive-thru, I see like one car ahead of us which is the new usual. There I was at peace with family (one of my sisters is studying for the tests and the other would start another art program on Monday). Both of my parents are working from home (Mom can't visit my grandmother's house, but she can still work at Michael's just for the curbside pickup, right?). What about me? I was still taking a break from the stress of go-go-going to someplace where my timing is taking the toll of it all with less flexibility. Anyways, I am over halfway through my gap year and I am not sure when it will officially end. There's still some catching up time to work on. I promise to self it will never end until the virus was completely eradicated.

Washington state peaked at the nursing homes that got infected, but you didn't see an outbreak in Seattle yet. So I'd say you're not at a peak. It just got hit badly at a nursing home where most people died.

If you look at the data, only new York is close to a peak. Most states are 2 to 3 weeks behind them and some midwestern states are 5 weeks behind. You won't see long peaks til mid summer. 

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12 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I am really behind on your journal, I am so sorry. 
 
But I think the drums would be a good idea! I am looking into getting a hand pan drum...music is supposed to be great for the mind/body/soul.

 

Hope you have just the best day 

No worries! Thank you.

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MARCH SUMMARY

I wanted to do a summary of March. One of my goals has been monitoring my health. I've done this by tracking how often I watch porn, how healthy I eat, sleep hours, and what my weight is. I think this is very important for regulating things outside of stressors and such things that are out of our control. If we can control our environment then we'll generally be better off.

Let's start with food. Below are Figure 1. Daily Calorie Intake and Figure 2. Daily Weight Log. My average caloric intake was 1,729 calories and my average weight was 178.4 lbs. My lowest recorded caloric intake was 1,223 on March 15th and my highest recorded caloric intake was 2,700 on both March 6th and March 16th. I started the month at 180.6 lbs, which was my maximum weight, and ended at 175.2 lbs, which was my minimum weight. I weighed myself every morning immediately after waking up and going to the bathroom and before drinking any water or getting breakfast. I weighed myself in underwear only.

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Figure 1. March, 2020 Calorie Intake

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Figure 2. March, 2020 Weight Log

Some interesting notes to observe are my weight having a lag effect from caloric intake. It seems there is about a 2 day lag effect between eating more and gaining weight and eating less and losing weight. My diet changed to include more vegetables, less added sugar, less carbohydrates, more lean protein, and less dairy. Important control factors were 1,678 calories being required to lose 1lb per week and 1,550 calories to lose 1.5 lbs per week. Maintaining my current weight is listed at intaking 1,850 calories per day.

The next area is porn based masturbation. This data was not completed as I decided to record the relapses on March 7th rather than March 1st. My average PMO was exactly 1.0 times per day. The most being 3 times per day for 3 days in a row and the fewest being 0 times per day for 9 days in a row and 11 times total. It's interesting to note I started my streak on March 16, which coincides with the weight loss and caloric intake control becoming healthier. Below is Figure 3. March, 2020 Porn Log.

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Figure 3. March, 2020 Porn Log

The last bit of data is sleep. I record this with my FitBit. The maximum recorded hours of sleep was 9.8 hours on March 7th and the lowest was 4.5 hours recorded on March 9th. The average amount of sleep was 6.73 hours. Some days included naps. It turns out that any day over 6 hours of sleep had an additional nap between the lengths of 1 and 2 hours. Some naps came after PMO sessions, but not all naps. Below is Figure 4. March 2020, Sleep Log.

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Figure 4. March, 2020 Sleep Log

The data presented summarizes my caloric intake, weight, pmo relapses, and sleep hours. March 16th holds an important date in this whole picture because it was when I began to regulate my porn usage and food intake. This date was the first Monday of the quarantine in the United States. I chose to start monitoring my health during this time because I was tired of saying I'd start eating healthier and not doing it. The virus scared me into taking more action and responsibilities for my actions and my health. The results were a steady loss in weight, better mood, less depression, and slightly higher sleep averages. My target weight is between 155 and 160 lbs. My current BMI is 26.2%, which is overweight. It's not muscle either. It's fat. 

I'll continue to post information like this at the end of each month and hope it inspires you to study yourself, implement strategies, and record your data. Maybe it will benefit you along the way.

 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm a little bored tonight. I'm burnt out after the week ended. I decided to stop working unpaid overtime because it's not worth the stress. I was getting 4 hours of sleep and I'm worried it will compromise my immune system. I've had some general anxiety, but who hasn't during this time? We're seeing such a rare and scary period of time. Who knows what a global recession will cause? Sometimes it causes nothing major like 2008 or sometimes it leads to The Great Depression and a world war. It's best not to worry about that because we're not world leaders and it's ultimately out of our control.

I got 9 hours of sleep last night and feel good. 

I think tomorrow I'd like to continue my 3D modeling project. I want to logically think about how I'd design this Voltorb's eyes properly. I also want to create a little base and background for him. I'm then going to experiment making some inanimate objects and just try to continue becoming more comfortable using basic modeling tools so I can slowly become comfortable using more complicated methods. Feeling more comfortable with things encourages you to keep doing it because you're less likely to feel stressed out about doing that activity. I want to build confidence with it.

I'm also going to study this weekend. I want to take advantage of my additional 7 months to study so I'll be studying for a few hours this weekend. I plan on studying each weekend to complete the online courses I took. This will take a few weeks...maybe 6. Then I can just work on problems from June to October so I'm comfortable with all of my references and any surprise problems.

The next thing I'll do is probably continue researching my drum set components to make sure I'm buying the right stuff. We'll see. I'm also kind of interested in buying a tablet for drawing and sculpting. It isn't too expensive. 

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I'm surprised you keep all that data on yourself. You must be pretty savvy with some software to do that. What's your body fat%. I'm at 185lbs ~9% body fat, but I still feel like I have some fat to lose to get back to as lean as I was before I got on risperdol (causes weight gain). I see you're eating below 2000 calories looks like that really helped with the weight loss. I'm not that motivated to lose weight personally because my body fat is already low. Maybe I could benefit from dieting and losing some weight though. It would make chinups easier and maybe I could lose my bit of tummy fat. I hope drumming goes well for you.

Edited by Erik2.0
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30 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm surprised you keep all that data on yourself. You must be pretty savvy with some software to do that. What's your body fat%. I'm at 185lbs ~9% body fat, but I still feel like I have some fat to lose to get back to as lean as I was before I got on risperdol (causes weight gain). I see you're eating below 2000 calories looks like that really helped with the weight loss. I'm not that motivated to lose weight personally because my body fat is already low. Maybe I could benefit from dieting and losing some weight though. It would make chinups easier and maybe I could lose my bit of tummy fat. I hope drumming goes well for you.

Lol I just have no hobbies since quitting games I think. I'm just taking an interest in myself and improving myself. I think it's nice to try and see trends. I'm not sure what my body fat is. This BMI thing says 26%, but I think that's just based off of my height and weight and not using the calipers like trainers use for accurately recording body fat percentage. I know you can also do the submerged test where they put you in water to see the displacement.

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Today I'm 76 weeks free from gaming. I was a little stressed out this morning trying to find something to do. I made a great breakfast and then had no energy. I decided to do a workout  for about 20 minutes and it got my body and mind awakened. I then started 3D modeling. I got some help from my friend because I was struggling to do a few components. The image looks very easy to make, but the eyes were pretty difficult because of some of the vertices I had to work with. I'm going to try and animate it with some lightning and post it on YouTube.

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The rest of today was pretty boring. I was exhausted and started to get some anxiety at night after dinner. It was only 7 PM and I still had 4-5 hours left to spend in the day. It's thoughts like this that make me anxious because it makes me feel about the days going by and stuff. I'm trying to get to a point where I'm not stressed out by hobbies and just choose to do them. I'm starting to get there with the modeling. It's just going to take some time.

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I'm a little pissed off tonight. I've been watching porn almost every day and sometimes 3 times per day. It's not that I'm bored. It's just that my body is trained to do it. A big instance of this is whenever I'm tired I watch porn and then go to bed. So whenever I get tired dring the day I get a craving for porn. It's frustrating.

I end up feeling tired and lethargic all day. I just don't know how to masturbate in a healthy way. Porn is clearly bad for me and I'm struggling with it. The only issue is if I go like 10 days without porn or masturbation I get all tense and filled with energy and can't release. Working out doesn't do the trick. Sometimes yelling does. I basically masturbate to take the edge off. But it leaves me lethargic all day. Today I was researching something, got tired, got triggered, watched porn, slept for 2.5 hours, then watched YouTube for almost 2 hours even though I didn't want to do it. 

I don't understand how to just masturbate once a week or once every two weeks. It's either on or off for me. I'm afraid for when I'm in a relationship. Am I only going to want to have sex? That's a strong part of the honeymoon period where you have the most sex for 6-8 months if it lasts that long, but I'm just worried that's all I'll see. I want her to be my friend and do things with her. Support her and just enjoy her as a person. I'm worried that my mind will be in the gutter.

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Porn is clearly bad for me and I'm struggling with it.

Same. And like I already mentioned - you said why we are struggling with it: We do no have a valuable alternative. Therefore, I don't think that for people like you and me, something like nofap in general is valuable. I for instance think that it is a lame pseudoscience without reason. For other people, it might be a thing of valuable. I can say that once I had a short one night stand for a couple of days and porn was completely not an option. After a while, it kinda came back, the porn habit that is. Not only because of the absence of sex. There were other reasons. One of them was that I kinda regretted the one night stand. Anyways, I think that instead of trying to resist and not to do it, we should focus on our mindset and identity towards porn as well as looking our for alternatives. Not focusing on the emptyness, but on the richness of something else. It worked for gaming. It should also work for this thing. We just need to find that thing.

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@BooksandTrees

This thing is like poison and you have to inpose a blockade on it. 

Intermittent fasting and walking did it for me when I had a gaming addiction. I want to propose this axiom: jogging three miles daily will drain your energy completely. A good time to jog is in the evening. I will be amazed if this doesn’t work. 

The more you drain yourself with cardio exercise, the less physical desire there is for sex.

The only issue is if they allow you to leave your home down where you live.

Edited by Amphibian220
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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't understand how to just masturbate once a week or once every two weeks. It's either on or off for me. I'm afraid for when I'm in a relationship. Am I only going to want to have sex? That's a strong part of the honeymoon period where you have the most sex for 6-8 months if it lasts that long, but I'm just worried that's all I'll see. I want her to be my friend and do things with her. Support her and just enjoy her as a person. I'm worried that my mind will be in the gutter.

I think the beauty of the relationship is that you can't really know yourself in that regard up until you actually are in the relationship. Even if you unknowingly only wanted to have sex in the relationship, it beats having multiple sexual partners at the same time in the long run. It depends on your experience on how much are you going to get swayed by human instincts that are juxtaposed to the rationale.

I also think that if the woman you're going to have is as happy as you are about getting into the relationship together, you're going to get what you need for the future and she will become your best friend.

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Thanks guys. I know you're right @Alexanderle and @Amphibian220. The issue for replacing porn like gaming in the past is video games were never a sexual outlet. I do need love, affection, and partnership with a woman. I just don't think online dating is going to give this to me. I read their bios and I start to hate everyone on the website. It sickens me how geared towards women every site is and how I have a much better shot at someone in real life. 

My only option is finding someone in real life and I just don't get out enough to do it. I don't really like the city and for some reason every young adult lives in the fucking city. Idiots spending all their money on triple the rent I pay and eating out each night. They have no savings account at 35+. I want a smarter woman than that. Someone who doesn't want to go out all the time and need to be on the city. I instantly get labeled as boring for not wanting to live in the city. There's more to do than hitting up bars and clubs and taking group photos with your fake friends and using the same pose in every photo. 

I also agree with the energy release @Amphibian220 said. I do need a little more exercise. I think exercise and my original sleep schedule would do wonders for me.

I agree with @Ikar about the value of the relationship if both people are in it for the right reasons. I've never experienced it so I'm a very jaded person regarding relationships, but I'll try. I need to change my mindset. Even in the second paragraph I wrote you can tell how much hatred I have built up towards modern people my age. I haven't met anyone who shares my interests. It's terrible. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Something else that I want to say:

Obsessions with things turn them into very unhealthy activities. Whether its the desire to look good, gaming, narcotics. The person elevates a thing to a point that there can no longer be a healthy relationship with it.

I can remember my acquaintance that had anxiety because she bought the wrong shoes. In fact she coveted clothes so much, every trip to the shop was a stressful ordeal.

Now onto this subject Books, a good way out of this unhealthy relationship is to kill the illusion. I had this girl at my high school that made this impression on me: she was easier to approach because I didn’t perceive her as so cool. Once I got talking, there never was any sort of tension, the conversation flowed naturally, no cravings, no fear of rejection, no fear of upsetting her. It just felt great because this set of conditions enabled me to learn. No attachment on either side.

Suddenly, girls were just normal human beings, they weren’t from another world. It was a bit saddening, but it was a good thing for me to know at that stage.

Edited by Amphibian220
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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Something else that I want to say:

Obsessions with things turn them into very unhealthy activities. Whether its the desire to look good, gaming, narcotics. The person elevates a thing to a point that there can no longer be a healthy relationship with it.

I can remember my acquaintance that had anxiety because she bought the wrong shoes. In fact she coveted clothes so much, every trip to the shop was a stressful ordeal.

Now onto this subject Books, a good way out of this unhealthy relationship is to kill the illusion. I had this girl at my high school that made this impression on me: she was easier to approach because I didn’t perceive her as so cool. Once I got talking, there never was any sort of tension, the conversation flowed naturally, no cravings, no fear of rejection, no fear of upsetting her. It just felt great because this set of conditions enabled me to learn. No attachment on either side.

Suddenly, girls were just normal human beings, they weren’t from another world. It was a bit saddening, but it was a good thing for me to know at that stage.

I'm not really nervous talking to women. I think I'm good at it. I just don't have the places to do it I feel. 

But I agree with the point. Thanks

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today was a buffer day. In all honesty I binged TV and porn all weekend aside from making that model. I went to work on the model some more and psyched myself out of it. I researched how to animate it and just got anxiety, then depressed. It was like I was fighting ther excitement to animate with anger and hesitation. That caused depression. I tried to watch porn to feel better and slept for 3 hours after.  

I got only 3 hours of sleep last night because my mind was going haywire from too much sleep and too much mindless activity. I felt sick all day because of it. I took a nap and laid in the sun for 2 hours after. 

I'm burnt out. Thinking is exhausting me. I've got nothing mindless to enjoy. I really enjoyed sitting in the sun today. I don't relax to enjoy simple things and turn stuff into tasks. 

My project at work has burned me out because of how it keeps changing and the level of effort required to redo the work after a change. So although I enjoy 3d modeling, sometimes I just only have the mental energy to do 2 hours of modeling a week. And maybe that's enough for a hobby in all seriousness. Maybe hobbies don't need to take up 6 hours of my day like gaming. 

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20 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

sometimes I just only have the mental energy to do 2 hours of modeling a week. And maybe that's enough for a hobby in all seriousness. Maybe hobbies don't need to take up 6 hours of my day like gaming. 

That is a very strong realization. If we are dong something the way, we were gaming, I am not sure, we should even call it still hobby. But that is not important. The important part is this: Even very smart people need a break. They could maybe concentrate for 2 hours and really focus, but that they have to rest. 3d modeling is not easy to do, nothing you can do mindlessly next to other things. I would say doing that for 2 or 3 hours is more than awesome. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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25 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

That is a very strong realization. If we are dong something the way, we were gaming, I am not sure, we should even call it still hobby. But that is not important. The important part is this: Even very smart people need a break. They could maybe concentrate for 2 hours and really focus, but that they have to rest. 3d modeling is not easy to do, nothing you can do mindlessly next to other things. I would say doing that for 2 or 3 hours is more than awesome. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Thanks. I think we used to stretch ourselves so thin when gaming. Everyone talks about brain fog and exhaustion. I think it's because it's not healthy to work 8 to 10 hours then game for 6 to 10 hours. 

It just sucks because I want to have the energy for 3d modeling and don't. 

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