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BooksandTrees

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I am so grateful for my landlord for rescuing me three times in my life from bad situations. I'd really like to do something special for her when this is all said and done. 

Today was an unproductive day at work and it was because I was trying to get my living situation sorted out and my stress had been at a high even though I was exercising and stuff. So I decided to masturbate after work and instantly relaxed and fell asleep. It was the first time in almost 14 days. I gotta be honest, I think I made the right choice. I'm going to need to moderate this habit, but I think sexual release is so important to an adult once they can control it and not be addicted. That will be my challenge.

I'm down 6 pounds now. My pants are starting to almost fit again. I bought them at 165 lbs and I weigh 176.6. I was about 184.6 earlier this year, but realistically I've been at 182ish. My goal is to be in the 160s again and I haven't been there since 2018. This is all from tracking calories and not exercising constantly. I didn't say dieting either. Just tracking. 

Stay safe. 

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Today was ok. I started late, but got more sleep than normal. Work was slow because of the amount of people connecting to our servers. I still got some major components completed for my project and feel good about it. 

I'm starting to get some interesting ideas for my 3d modeling software this weekend. I'm not making anything crazy out of it. It's purely going to be out of interest only. I promise myself since I don't think anyone cares lol. But I do. 

I tend to daydream intensely once I get an idea and I flesh it out as far as possible to the point where it is completed and I'm being interviewed for my success by famous people. It's a waste of time and it's keeping me up later at night than when I was watching porn at night. I think these thoughts are poisonous after the initial idea because it ruins productivity, adds expectations, and makes everything too important and unrealistic. My goal is to cut the daydreams short like my dreams at night and just enjoy life more. 

My grandfather was rushed to the hospital tonight with a very high fever and ther doctors think he might be experiencing a virus. They didn't test him for COVID19 and released him after 30 minutes. He's in his upper 80s. I'm worried. Hospitals and healthcare workers are not getting supplies like trump has been bragging about delivering. I won't get into politics since it's a rule of the forums, but I think we all know my stance. 

We need teamwork, kindness, and some miracles over the next few months. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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Today I'm 75 weeks free from gaming and 77 weeks free from social media. I caved and watched some porn this week, but nothing compared to what I was doing before. I also practiced masturbation without porn in a healthy way rather than a way to just escape from life. I've found that I'm disgusted by the industry as mentioned previously. I also agree with many users here who have quit porn, but still masturbate. It's important to be sexually healthy even if you don't have a partner. The benefits are important to your body for all kinds of hormones.

I've been considering going grocery shopping next week. I have 2 to 3 weeks of food left and don't think it's wise to wait until you have nothing. I was thinking maybe I go with 1-2 weeks of supplies left and just see what I can find.

My grandfather called me last night and said his fever broke and he's doing better, but he sounded like shit. It's the first time he's personally called me in over 10 years. He thinks people should call him since he's the elder of the family. I don't know, I don't buy into it, but if he's calling me he is either currently scared or was scared of dying. Nothing makes you change 10 year old habits unless they threaten your well-being be it an addictive habit like gaming and porn or just doing something routine that you've taken a stance on.

I plan on working today without charging my hours. Not a full 8 hours but some. I feel like I wasn't productive last week and it annoys me. I complain about others not working and here I am finally unproductive. I had a long stretch of productivity so I'm not comparing myself to people who never work hard, but in life you better walk the walk if you talk the talk. Putting a shoe in your mouth is a career killer.

I haven't done any real hobbies this week. I didn't think it was smart to buy a several hundred dollar electronic drum set when the economy is fluctuating so much due to the virus. I think something like this always leads to a recession of sorts. I spent so much money last year that I won't make that mistake again. I'll try practicing drum techniques for a bit and see if I enjoy it.

On the other hand, maybe this is an example of me repeating prior mistakes. Instead of just animating something I wanted using Blender, I started taking classes online and getting burnt out and angry with the hobby altogether. With writing, I took an online class instead of just writing. I don't write anymore. Could I be doing this with the drums also? Potentially. I'll have to consider it. Maybe you guys have some thoughts. Rock climbing and sports are the only things I've tried doing without practicing first and they're the only things I enjoy.

Learn as I go and create my own path or learn before I go and realize I never liked it anyways? Interesting journeys.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I caved and watched some porn this week, but nothing compared to what I was doing before. I also practiced masturbation without porn in a healthy way rather than a way to just escape from life. I've found that I'm disgusted by the industry as mentioned previously. I also agree with many users here who have quit porn, but still masturbate. It's important to be sexually healthy even if you don't have a partner. The benefits are important to your body for all kinds of hormones.

Great! I got myself to ejaculate weekly. It also helps that you'll re-adjust to normal-world women around you as porn fades away from your mind.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

On the other hand, maybe this is an example of me repeating prior mistakes. Instead of just animating something I wanted using Blender, I started taking classes online and getting burnt out and angry with the hobby altogether. With writing, I took an online class instead of just writing. I don't write anymore. Could I be doing this with the drums also? Potentially. I'll have to consider it. Maybe you guys have some thoughts. Rock climbing and sports are the only things I've tried doing without practicing first and they're the only things I enjoy.

I'd say just do it. I don't even know how would I "practice" writing myself. I just write and if somebody doesn't like it, I'm happy my writing caught their attention for a while. At the moment, I probably write on the GQ forums the most.

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18 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Great! I got myself to ejaculate weekly. It also helps that you'll re-adjust to normal-world women around you as porn fades away from your mind.

I'd say just do it. I don't even know how would I "practice" writing myself. I just write and if somebody doesn't like it, I'm happy my writing caught their attention for a while. At the moment, I probably write on the GQ forums the most.

I definitely feel attraction towards real women more than porn now. It's nice. 

I might just buy the drums. We will see. 

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I rebounded tonight. I finished two of the three components I struggled with last week. I am taking tomorrow off and will return Monday in a better mood ready to go. I feel like I can sleep easier tonight. 

I'm going to consult my therapist about buying electronic drums. A beginner set of drums is around 500. I don't want to get real drums because they're fucking loud and I don't want to disturb my neighbors. I watched a video of a guy playing the drums with headphones on and you could barely hear the drums. It was like he was hitting a hardcover book. 

I also thought about passive income methods. I think i want to try making inanimate objects in blender and sell them for $1. People use these for props in games, animations, and stills. It will help me practice, build my own library, and make some cash. 

My second idea is I'm an expert draftsman with civil engineering so I was thinking of making tutorials for cad. I also wanted to make some study tutorials for structural engineering. I'm very good at both as I'm almost licensed and have a master's degree in it with several years of experience. I enjoy teaching and if it can help me bring in a few hundred dollars per year then that's a few weeks of groceries covered.

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Great idea! On Reddit there's this thing called "A machine that makes money"; all about passive incomes and how to get it started or optimize it. Maybe it could be useful?

Perhaps. I think it's a good idea but also wonder if this is me dreaming big again for escapism like before. 

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NOTE: THIS ENTRY IS NOT A CONSTRUCTIVE ENTRY THAT I NORMALLY WRITE WITH GOOD FLOW. IT'S JUST A DEVOLVING SERIES OF THOUGHTS STARTING WITH ANGER AND THEN LEADING TO A SOLUTION. I DON'T WANT TO EDIT IT. 

I gotta be honest and just say how fucking angry I am today. I am so frustrated by the fact that I am so passive outside of work. I just want to smash everything around me. This apprehension and fear of trying new things is causing my depression. I get all these ideas and want to try them and then my fear and anxiety about looking stupid and being embarrassed casts a wall around my aspirations.

As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you. So basically, I get extreme spikes of energy, motivation, anger, and just raw emotion and I can't control it. I immediately get tired and want to sleep. I can't fucking handle it. It's not that it's any emotion. It's that I have a carnal explosion of desire to make up for all the things I've missed. I had to sacrifice so much in the past 10 fucking years just to become an engineer and I'm so lonely and hollow because of it. That, combined with severe and multiple addictions, has left me so hollow inside.

I'm a very aggressive person. I need to do things intensely because that's how I enjoy it. When I say intensely, I don't mean 100 mph full speed. I also mean that I am devoting 100% thought to it. This means if I draw I want to put everything into it. When I play sports I am extremely focused and competitive. When I tell jokes it's all harbored emotions. It's not just to talk and get emotions. I need to express myself with extremely accurate impressions, dramatic voices, psychotic body movements, all tied in with a dry overtone so that I'm constantly surprising people.

You know what's the best part of that comedy I mentioned? NOBODY FUCKING SEES IT BECAUSE I DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND DO ANYTHING.

FUCK

I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all. I am so afraid of bombing on stage that I don't do it. You can tell from my writing that I have a strong ego. The number one enemy to a strong ego is public humiliation because public perception of me is so god damn important that I am paralyzed by it. I need to express myself with some form of comedy and it NEEDS to be in person.

I'm using this fucking cartoon idea as a wall to hide behind to put my comedy out there, when I'm hilarious in the first place. I keep mentioning how I did 1 stand up routine and I was the best person there out of the 10 performers. I was the only person without experience. I've told jokes in front of hundreds of people before with my engineering talks and I am not getting the fake laughs. I'm just being cowardly.

The thing is that once I get this frustration released I'm happy. Once I go on a rant and make people laugh I don't want to do it for a long time. This is why I don't want to do stand up comedy. I am not a fan of repeating jokes. My dad tells the same fucking stories all of the time and it makes me want to smash him. I hate people who repeat shit. Especially if it's not funny. This makes me think improv comedy might be better. I just don't want to be a part of some improv group where these idiots are so scatterbrained on stage and can't formulate a skit. I'm not saying all improv is like this, but you've all been to a good improv show and you've all been to a bad improv show. The people on stage yelling "OK, OK, OK, SO....WE HAVE UH-UH-UH-A TREE!! A TREE IN THE CORNER AND UH UH UH A TORNADO OVER THERE!!!" and this retard starts swirling like a tornado, while this stupid fucking act is going on about travel agencies. 'WE BRING YOU TO THE SAFEST DESTINATIONS" and this moron is just spinning.

That's not funny. I hate people who laugh at that shit. It's sincerely disappointing to watch and retarded.

I'd much rather find a way to perform either a funny skit similar to Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, or Key and Peele. I'm not as funny as those people. I just enjoy doing that kind of comedy. I want to create a skit and just perform it either alone or with people to prove a point and not repeat it. 

I think there's a staunch difference between musicians and comedians. I enjoy hearing the same song multiple times. I hate hearing the same joke more than once or twice. That's why I don't think memes are funny. It's just lazy.

I need creative help and guidance. I'm probably strongest in one-off stand up comedy performances, well thought out skits that I'd perform once or post online, or a satirical opinion piece absolutely destroying someone, a group of people, or an idea in an online written blog or article.

The next thing is when I want to release stress, but not have to entertain people. More and more the drums have been appetizing my desire to act out and express myself. I fucking love how the drums can be so violent, yet so fragile and delicate at times. I love that juxtaposition. I need to learn it. Yet, I'm not.

I still live in apartments and although I live in a single home right now, in 3 months I'll be in another complex for at least a year most likely. The electronic drum kits are still very loud. Acoustic drums are painfully loud, but the electronic ones are still loud. I would need to buy several hundred dollars worth of equipment for noise dampening.

The other thing is an electronic drum set will cost over $1,000. I already spent like $700 on rock climbing and I can't do that for another 3 months due to the virus. This is disappointing me. All of the hobbies we try outside of video games are so fucking expensive.

But am I being a hypocrite? Gaming desktops cost between $2,000 and $5,000 depending on how much of a neckbeard you are. Gaming consoles cost $400 and each game is $50-$80 not including micro transactions.

Sure, we build the computer and then pay $10 per month on a membership and it seems cheap, but we spent at least $2,000 on a gaming computer in the first place. What's the difference between $500 on a cheap drum set and $300 on noise reduction? Lessons are free on YouTube and I can play whenever.

I'm being an asshole, and I don't want to hear "YOU GOTTA BE EASIER ON YOURSELF" If you're always easy on yourself then you're going to be a sloth unwilling to work hard. Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier.

Thoughts to consider:

  • Make simple 2D/3D art, animations, and other elements in Blender because it's fun. Not because you need to make money. Couple times per week. No pressure. Stop tutorials.
  • Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits. Exercising for 3 to 5 hours per week can help stabilize this for me. This will include rock climbing, weights, bicycles, machine rowing, tennis, and hockey whenever I want. Also exercising when angry. Also, inviting friends to exercise with me to create social bonds and be less isolated. Isolation is good, but not all the time as we're seeing.
  • Meal prep. Save the exciting food for restaurants so you can socialize and enjoy with friends. Make tasty, well balanced meals at home like I've been doing (I've lost like 6 pounds)
  • Sleep schedule and not watching TV before bed. I gotta get back into reading again. I felt better mentally when I was reading at night. Stop snoozing.
  • Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc.
  • I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now. I think making a funny skit or video will help deal with comedy hunger and not have to deal with the emotions I faced above.

Also, I hate living in the northeast. Once the weather gets cold I get pissed. I hate being cold. I hate doing winter activities. I don't enjoy skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, cross country skiing, being outside, being inside, bundling up in layers, heavy beds with tons of blankets, shivering, etc.

Life in northeast United States sucks because from January to April the temperatures rarely go above freezing. April to June they're like 40-55 degrees. June to July it's 70. July to September it's 85+ with extreme humidity so you don't enjoy being outside. September to October it's 70. October to December it's 30-45 degrees. December to January it's 30 degrees tops.

So it's either fucking cold or fucking hot. 

Not to mention it's so expensive to live here. Housing, food, gas, and activities cost almost as much as California and Hawaii. I just fucking hate it here. I want to wear shorts and feel warm. 

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With some of your things, I can totally relate, with others I want to disagree:

30 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier.

That is so true man. I mean you should not destroy yourself. But sometimes, we just have to jump to find out that something is not as scary, as we thought it is.

 

31 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now.

I also can relate to that. You just have to keep experimenting. The more you try, the better, maybe eventually, you will find it. I think we also know quite early, when we don't like something. For now, I also skipped drawing and duolingo. It just felt like work. However, working out is something, I like more than anything else. ^^ Keep looking. 🙂

33 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc.

I am pondering this thought every day. What to do after that horrific pandemic...

34 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you.

No, I don't know that. The amount of explanations of depression around psychologists is enourmous. You will find evolutionary, biological, social or psychoanalytical explanations. There is no unity regarding that topic and there is a long list of possible factors like psychosocial factors, problems with brain processes, genetics, gender, education, age, alcohol, being single..... It is not that easy.

 

38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits.

Are you superman? How do you know, which brain chemicals you are releasing? xD

39 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all.

Sometimes, we don't do things, because we don't like to face reality: Maybe despite thinking that, we are not the funniest person. In our mind, we can still be that. We still have our proofs (like one standup with just 10 other performers) and create this "reality" in our own head. SImilarily, people dream about being writers and having the best book of all time, but never actually write it, because they than have to realize that they are not as gifted a writer and that it is a lot of hard work. I am not saying that you are not the funniest person of all time, but this might hold you back without even knowing it. 

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@BooksandTrees

I can relate with a lot of points that you have made especially about habits that you want to work on. I would say that I am a pretty relaxed person most of the time but playing video games always caused me a lot of stress, frustration, and aggression. I am very competitive and want to be the best in whatever I do but that is not always possible which leads to frustration. Besides working out I would recommend you trying martial arts. I did MMA and boxing for a while and I do miss it now. Even if all you get is a punching bag at home the relieve stress and tension relief amazing. On top of working out and physically exhausting, I found it mentally relaxing similarly to meditation. Just a clear mind, and one goal ... smash the shit out of that punching bag. I have never done an actual fight but I did a lot of sparing and that was my favorite part. Besides having to focus only on the fight and clear all distractions from my mind there was always that competitive nature to it. Human behavior is still a lot more primal than we would like to think. Many things we do are driven by these primal brain functions and I think martial arts is a great way to hijack their attention instead of addictions that use the same systems. 

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1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

With some of your things, I can totally relate, with others I want to disagree:

That is so true man. I mean you should not destroy yourself. But sometimes, we just have to jump to find out that something is not as scary, as we thought it is.

 

I also can relate to that. You just have to keep experimenting. The more you try, the better, maybe eventually, you will find it. I think we also know quite early, when we don't like something. For now, I also skipped drawing and duolingo. It just felt like work. However, working out is something, I like more than anything else. ^^ Keep looking. 🙂

I am pondering this thought every day. What to do after that horrific pandemic...

No, I don't know that. The amount of explanations of depression around psychologists is enourmous. You will find evolutionary, biological, social or psychoanalytical explanations. There is no unity regarding that topic and there is a long list of possible factors like psychosocial factors, problems with brain processes, genetics, gender, education, age, alcohol, being single..... It is not that easy.

 

Are you superman? How do you know, which brain chemicals you are releasing? xD

Sometimes, we don't do things, because we don't like to face reality: Maybe despite thinking that, we are not the funniest person. In our mind, we can still be that. We still have our proofs (like one standup with just 10 other performers) and create this "reality" in our own head. SImilarily, people dream about being writers and having the best book of all time, but never actually write it, because they than have to realize that they are not as gifted a writer and that it is a lot of hard work. I am not saying that you are not the funniest person of all time, but this might hold you back without even knowing it. 

Thoughtful post. Thank you. I should have phrased the depression comment in my situation, but I noted that I didn't edit this one properly so I stand by it and agree with you. 

The comedy side I have make everyone laugh all of the time. I really do think I'd be good at it. I just need to find a place to do it or way to do it that's not stand up. I disagree with your analogy when it's used for me, but I agree when used with others. I don't like repeating jokes and I don't like other people do I don't really want to do that. I'd rather do it for me and I'm just unsure how. 

I've read multiple studies explaining the byproducts our mind and body produces once we exercise and its effects relating to depression. 

Thanks for the input and welcome back. 

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50 minutes ago, Marek said:

@BooksandTrees

I can relate with a lot of points that you have made especially about habits that you want to work on. I would say that I am a pretty relaxed person most of the time but playing video games always caused me a lot of stress, frustration, and aggression. I am very competitive and want to be the best in whatever I do but that is not always possible which leads to frustration. Besides working out I would recommend you trying martial arts. I did MMA and boxing for a while and I do miss it now. Even if all you get is a punching bag at home the relieve stress and tension relief amazing. On top of working out and physically exhausting, I found it mentally relaxing similarly to meditation. Just a clear mind, and one goal ... smash the shit out of that punching bag. I have never done an actual fight but I did a lot of sparing and that was my favorite part. Besides having to focus only on the fight and clear all distractions from my mind there was always that competitive nature to it. Human behavior is still a lot more primal than we would like to think. Many things we do are driven by these primal brain functions and I think martial arts is a great way to hijack their attention instead of addictions that use the same systems. 

I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. 

I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do. 

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46 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. 

I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do. 

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. I would still recommend giving it another chance when it is structured properly it is a great way to let of steam. Unfortunately, I know that nowadays it not really possible but when you get a chance, some gyms have punching bags that you can fight on your own and that might even work better for you. Just use up your energy against that I am confident that you would enjoy it. I do not know you well enough so I might be wrong but based on your angry message I think that you can focus a lot of anger this way. Do not get me wrong I am not saying that anger is bad but I find that if there is too much of it I just focus it at myself which in most cases is more destructive than helpful. For me personally, I need to be able to get some of it out and then use the rest with a clear mind on the tasks that I need to work on otherwise it consumes me and takes away energy. 

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I can relate to a lot of what you said in your lengthy post above. I'm a pretty funny guy, myself, and agree that we're probably funnier than many stand-up comics. What you said about it is right though... it's not that they're necessarily funnier than anybody else, they had the guts to throw themselves in front of people and get torn to pieces for years before they finally had a break. That combined with skills in marketing and all that jazz. I've thought about maybe taking improv classes at some point but I already have so much on my plate there's just no more room for another helping. Sounds like you know you can do that you just have to force yourself to do it regularly whilst coping with the reality that you won't always kill it on stage.

When it comes to styles of humor, you also gotta remember that not everybody in the world is even remotely as intelligent as we are. Not to sound conceited, but it's true. There are some people with IQ's so low that they are unemployable even at McDonalds and the armed forces (not talking trash about the military but they do generally take just about anybody who enlists). I'm also not trying to sound like one of those ridiculous cringelords who think you need to be a MENSA member to understand Rick & Morty... just saying that there's an audience for fart jokes and it's surprisingly large. Tina Fey once said that you can judge a person's intelligence by what they laugh at... amusing, really, since I consider her humor to be pretty banal.

Alternatively, you could try what I'm trying... write comedy. Even stand up comics have to have a certain level of this skill even though the mechanisms by which reading and speaking affect us are different. It's surprisingly difficult... I can make anyone in a room laugh almost on command but when I read over my blog posts or short stories I've written I think they're absolute dog shit. Other people have told me they're good and I'm judging myself too harshly but I don't know. I feel like a lot of the time I come across as being really cynical and angry at the universe when in reality I'm just joking. That's kind of how my in-person humor is too though. Very similar to yours... dry and straight faced but quite cutting.

I can only say great things about getting into music more. My class with Andrew Huang on audio production and engineering starts tomorrow and I can't wait. The speed at which I've been learning piano is even impressing me and I usually never think I'm doing anything well enough. Wish you lived closer because we have an electronic drum set here that nobody uses. It's technically my brother's but he bought it two years ago, played it for a week, and put it in the garage where it's sat since. Once I'm proficient enough at piano and theory that I can branch out I plan on taking it up.

All hobbies that are worth it are expensive. I spent probably $1000 a month on video games and related things like in-game currency for Warframe and other shit like that. That seems high, maybe $500. But then my PC cost me around $2000 on top of that which I don't regret really because now that I'm into photography, video, and music, it's really beneficial. But yeah... gaming was expensive. Now that I'm learning music it's arguably more expensive but it's such a new hobby it's difficult to project into the future very far. I'm sure at one point I'll have enough synthesizers lol. But so far in 2020 I've spent probably $2000 on equipment and lessons, and I'm already planning on spending $700 on a new synth. Fortunately my living situation allows me to do this... it's one of the main reasons I still live with my mother. I could get an apartment but I'd basically be working just to pay bills at that point.

I won't tell you that you have to go easier on yourself because it honestly just sounds like you're frustrated right now and honestly are being pretty realistic. I think many of us are going a bit crazy during this lockdown (I'm assuming you're under one too). I hit some pretty low lows the past few days and couldn't even bring myself to write a journal post here. Hang in there, though. You're still kicking ass and sometimes we have to hit the bottom to sort out what we need to do to move forward.

Either way, we're here for you.

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11 minutes ago, Marek said:

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. I would still recommend giving it another chance when it is structured properly it is a great way to let of steam. Unfortunately, I know that nowadays it not really possible but when you get a chance, some gyms have punching bags that you can fight on your own and that might even work better for you. Just use up your energy against that I am confident that you would enjoy it. I do not know you well enough so I might be wrong but based on your angry message I think that you can focus a lot of anger this way. Do not get me wrong I am not saying that anger is bad but I find that if there is too much of it I just focus it at myself which in most cases is more destructive than helpful. For me personally, I need to be able to get some of it out and then use the rest with a clear mind on the tasks that I need to work on otherwise it consumes me and takes away energy. 

I agree. I have written about how I turn it inward often I think that's why porn has been so hard to quit since it's my main way of dealing with it. 

I'll consider giving it another chance. It's just expensive. 

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15 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I can relate to a lot of what you said in your lengthy post above. I'm a pretty funny guy, myself, and agree that we're probably funnier than many stand-up comics. What you said about it is right though... it's not that they're necessarily funnier than anybody else, they had the guts to throw themselves in front of people and get torn to pieces for years before they finally had a break. That combined with skills in marketing and all that jazz. I've thought about maybe taking improv classes at some point but I already have so much on my plate there's just no more room for another helping. Sounds like you know you can do that you just have to force yourself to do it regularly whilst coping with the reality that you won't always kill it on stage.

When it comes to styles of humor, you also gotta remember that not everybody in the world is even remotely as intelligent as we are. Not to sound conceited, but it's true. There are some people with IQ's so low that they are unemployable even at McDonalds and the armed forces (not talking trash about the military but they do generally take just about anybody who enlists). I'm also not trying to sound like one of those ridiculous cringelords who think you need to be a MENSA member to understand Rick & Morty... just saying that there's an audience for fart jokes and it's surprisingly large. Tina Fey once said that you can judge a person's intelligence by what they laugh at... amusing, really, since I consider her humor to be pretty banal.

Alternatively, you could try what I'm trying... write comedy. Even stand up comics have to have a certain level of this skill even though the mechanisms by which reading and speaking affect us are different. It's surprisingly difficult... I can make anyone in a room laugh almost on command but when I read over my blog posts or short stories I've written I think they're absolute dog shit. Other people have told me they're good and I'm judging myself too harshly but I don't know. I feel like a lot of the time I come across as being really cynical and angry at the universe when in reality I'm just joking. That's kind of how my in-person humor is too though. Very similar to yours... dry and straight faced but quite cutting.

I can only say great things about getting into music more. My class with Andrew Huang on audio production and engineering starts tomorrow and I can't wait. The speed at which I've been learning piano is even impressing me and I usually never think I'm doing anything well enough. Wish you lived closer because we have an electronic drum set here that nobody uses. It's technically my brother's but he bought it two years ago, played it for a week, and put it in the garage where it's sat since. Once I'm proficient enough at piano and theory that I can branch out I plan on taking it up.

All hobbies that are worth it are expensive. I spent probably $1000 a month on video games and related things like in-game currency for Warframe and other shit like that. That seems high, maybe $500. But then my PC cost me around $2000 on top of that which I don't regret really because now that I'm into photography, video, and music, it's really beneficial. But yeah... gaming was expensive. Now that I'm learning music it's arguably more expensive but it's such a new hobby it's difficult to project into the future very far. I'm sure at one point I'll have enough synthesizers lol. But so far in 2020 I've spent probably $2000 on equipment and lessons, and I'm already planning on spending $700 on a new synth. Fortunately my living situation allows me to do this... it's one of the main reasons I still live with my mother. I could get an apartment but I'd basically be working just to pay bills at that point.

I won't tell you that you have to go easier on yourself because it honestly just sounds like you're frustrated right now and honestly are being pretty realistic. I think many of us are going a bit crazy during this lockdown (I'm assuming you're under one too). I hit some pretty low lows the past few days and couldn't even bring myself to write a journal post here. Hang in there, though. You're still kicking ass and sometimes we have to hit the bottom to sort out what we need to do to move forward.

Either way, we're here for you.

I appreciate this. Thank you. I think I'd really enjoy the drums. I'll take yours, but if I get COVID19 we'll have a problem. Lol jk.

You know exactly what I'm talking about with comedy. It's like a stress release. I don't want it to be a career, but I just thoroughly enjoy dissecting something and making myself laugh as a way to be less cynical. I really enjoy making simple, yet creative ways to laugh after being so serious all of the time. 

For instance, I took these online quizzes to see where I should live in America because I'm unhappy being cold. All of the quizzes were stupid and I started getting fed up. I finally found one that asked for my name, so I wrote "penis". It kept addressing me as penis and I thought it was so funny because I turned this "huge" crisis of mine into a juvenile joke. And the quiz was so stupid that it just kept addressing me as penis. Like, who would name their kid penis and why would penis want to be searching for a new home? Penis, what are your favorite hobbies? Porn. Lol. The thing I'm trying to quit. 

I think maybe I need to just blast music and exercise to get some adrenaline flowing and then I can just relax and do a hobby. I just get lazy and don't wanna do it. 

 

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13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've read multiple studies explaining the byproducts our mind and body produces once we exercise and its effects relating to depression.

I know what you mean. I am a sport junkie and I would never disagree with out that working out is not beneficial for us. Right now, however, I am very interested in the fact that many people, even lay people, who are not neuroscientists start regularly pointing out to neurotransmitters and chemicals as arguments for their belief system and daily routines. Especially the tendency to look out or to indicate that only singular causes are responsible for certain "facts". Even things in papers are often a matter of discussion and the things we "know" right now, might be very well outdated in 50 years. We now live in the time, where neuroscience is the new fad and everyone considers it the ultimate science, but studying the history of psychology and science suggests that one should stay critical.

 

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I disagree with your analogy when it's used for me, but I agree when used with others.

That is completely fine. I don't know you that much in detail, so it is not possible for me to say, what it the truth and what is not. And that is not really important. It is only important, what you think about yourself. The questions are: What hinders you then to fulfill your goal of expressing yourself through the element of humour? I think that the internet has many downsides, but it this sense, we have more chances than every to express ourselves. We can have our own blog, youtube channel, twitch, books, ebooks. Why is it so bad to repeat a joke several times?

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3 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Why is it so bad to repeat a joke several times?

I don't think it's bad. I just don't like it because my dad used to tell me a funny story, then tell my mom, then call his friends up and tell them, then everywhere we'd go he'd tell them and look at me and make me laugh to help his effect and random people would say how funny he is. It made me so angry. Just a fake. Reminds me of bad times. 

 

3 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

who are not neuroscientists start regularly pointing out to neurotransmitters and chemicals as arguments for their belief system and daily routines.

I'm not trying to turn this journal into a research panel. After reading my posts I'm sure you know I study myself and experiment with how I feel for weeks and months at a time to see what works and what doesn't. I tend to agree with my therapist and the neurologists I've spoken to over the past 3 years that have helped me quit gaming and overcome major depression. 

I see your point because a lot of people spew bull shit information out there. I'm not an expert, but I don't fabricate things. I share what I've learned from experts that I've spoken with in person regarding my depression and addiction. It's helped me quit for over 75 weeks now and I'm not suicidal anymore. 

It works for me.

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2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't think it's bad. I just don't like it because my dad used to tell me a funny story, then tell my mom, then call his friends up and tell them, then everywhere we'd go he'd tell them and look at me and make me laugh to help his effect and random people would say how funny he is. It made me so angry. Just a fake. Reminds me of bad times. 

I actually know this by myself. My dad still likes to repeat his old jokes again and again. I learned to live with it. Many parents do that. You are not alone with that. Instead of being annoyed by it, I now am happy that he still is alive. This will not be the case forever. I don't want to waste my time being annoyed by his jokes.

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1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

I actually know this by myself. My dad still likes to repeat his old jokes again and again. I learned to live with it. Many parents do that. You are not alone with that. Instead of being annoyed by it, I now am happy that he still is alive. This will not be the case forever. I don't want to waste my time being annoyed by his jokes.

It's so irritating. I'm very happy to be independent is all I can say lol.

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7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't think it's bad. I just don't like it because my dad used to tell me a funny story, then tell my mom, then call his friends up and tell them, then everywhere we'd go he'd tell them and look at me and make me laugh to help his effect and random people would say how funny he is. It made me so angry. Just a fake. Reminds me of bad times. 

Oh god that drives me insane! Even beyond jokes, when I have to hear someone say something over and over to different people I get really annoyed. I know that's kind of an overreaction because when something happens to someone they want to tell all their friends... but damn have a meeting or something and tell everybody at once. Lol, jk I know that'd be crazy. I guess it only really bothers me when the joke or story isn't even that interesting. Like "oh here we go again Debra is telling the 5th person at work that she had spaghetti last night and spilled it on her shirt. What a riot."

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24 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Oh god that drives me insane! Even beyond jokes, when I have to hear someone say something over and over to different people I get really annoyed. I know that's kind of an overreaction because when something happens to someone they want to tell all their friends... but damn have a meeting or something and tell everybody at once. Lol, jk I know that'd be crazy. I guess it only really bothers me when the joke or story isn't even that interesting. Like "oh here we go again Debra is telling the 5th person at work that she had spaghetti last night and spilled it on her shirt. What a riot."

It's painful and stupid. They just want attention. 

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