Dear Diary...

[BooksandTrees]

Water

Edited January 9, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[BooksandTrees]

I'm 12 weeks without gaming.  I think I've found a strategy to help be easier on myself.  If you've ever worked out in a gym you know it's not good for muscle development to over train a muscle.  It's not great to do biceps 2 hours a day, 7 days a week.  They'll never grow, they'll never repair, and you're going to keep harming them until you get seriously injured.

Why do the same thing to our brains, hearts, and emotions?  I've decided to just focus on certain goals, brief details about things that bother me, and also treat things in life as "I want to do this" instead of "I need or should do this".  If I start treating hobbies as "I should do this" then it's gonna be like work.  I also have this thing where I want to do something fun, and then think about how stressful it will be to get there and talk myself out of it and just stay home doing nothing.  I am practicing saying "I want to go make this recipe" for example and then just go to the store.  I used to just say "I want to make this recipe" and then stress out about going to the store, how many people would be there, how much of my day I'd be wasting, and how frustrating the whole experience would be.

These are small thoughts of mine that have helped and allowed me to focus on other aspects of my life.  I think I'm over gaming.  I might go back one day if I find enough stuff to enjoy.  The real battle I'm experiencing in life is wanting to do things.  I honestly wake up on the weekends not wanting to do anything at all.  It is sad.  Nothing excites me enough to wake up in the mornings.  I still haven't found things I'm passionate about, but at least now I'm beginning to try.  I'm now just allowing myself to try things instead of talking myself out of them.  I had some great progress last weekend and hopefully I can continue.

It's allowing yourself to enjoy free time and life without addictive and compulsive behaviors.  If I start to enjoy going to the gym and working out as well as yoga sometimes after work, then that's another 1 hour each day that I've enjoyed. I bolded that because I was trying to fill up hours in my day to make the day pass by and not play games.  This was leading to unenjoyment.  I simply wasn't enjoying my time.  I'm still not enjoying my time.  But if I get these thoughts in my head for wanting to do something, I just want to do it and I will try to apply that.  If I don't, I'll keep watching porn in my spare time and eventually relapse with gaming.  

Matt

[BooksandTrees]

I also wanted to post this video to get people interested in winter activities.  I think most of us remember winter and winter vacations from childhood as "NO HOMEWORK LET'S WATCH MOVIES, PLAY VIDEO GAMES, AND BUILD BLANKET FORTS BITCHES!!!"

This is in Columbus, but there's probably shit like this everywhere: 

 

 

[BooksandTrees]

I started writing my cartoon again.  I'm very happy about this.  I'm also starting to get really detached from my career because I slightly want to get famous and entertain people.  I might end up never going back to my hockey podcast but maybe something related to comedy.  Who knows.  I'm just going to focus on whatever my heart desires at the moment so I can start having fun with these hobbies.

I'm also starting my second online class for fun.

[BooksandTrees]

I'm struggling today with wanting to play games. I got depressed with work today and just been miserable. 

It's strange because last night I went to the gym and started my workouts and enjoyed it. I'm glad to be back at the gym. I'm eating healthy, I'm making plans to see friends on weekends or during the week, I'm working on my hobbies again and trying to get my life more well rounded. I've been easier on myself and done really well with my anger management. 

It's just the lingering thoughts about gaming and stuff. I miss gaming, anime, etc. I want to find a girlfriend, but I'm working on it. I'm honestly just working on everything and having my time well. I'm scheduling things, getting a routine sleep schedule to the point where I'm waking up at 615 without an alarm for 2 weeks straight. I have vacation booked and looking forward to it. 

I still want to play. 

[Silverlining]

59 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm struggling today with wanting to play games. I got depressed with work today and just been miserable. 

It's strange because last night I went to the gym and started my workouts and enjoyed it. I'm glad to be back at the gym. I'm eating healthy, I'm making plans to see friends on weekends or during the week, I'm working on my hobbies again and trying to get my life more well rounded. I've been easier on myself and done really well with my anger management. 

It's just the lingering thoughts about gaming and stuff. I miss gaming, anime, etc. I want to find a girlfriend, but I'm working on it. I'm honestly just working on everything and having my time well. I'm scheduling things, getting a routine sleep schedule to the point where I'm waking up at 615 without an alarm for 2 weeks straight. I have vacation booked and looking forward to it. 

I still want to play. 

That's OK.

I'm gonna say subjectively that you don't really want to play games. You want to have fun by challenging yourself, or to relax. 

Sometimes when I have been working hard and living a healthy life, I get this feeling that I "deserve" to waste something ? So I would "waste" some time watching TV shows (in small amounts). Or I would "waste" some money to buy unnecessary things (also in small amounts). Then I would feel a little bit guilty, which is enough to motivate myself to continue studying or working, and yet not too much so that I would feel depressed. 

I'm not saying that you should follow my example. Just that there are plenty of challenging or relaxing activities which are not disastrous to your life. We chose to quit gaming for a reason. Keep that reason in mind.

[BooksandTrees]

38 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

That's OK.

I'm gonna say subjectively that you don't really want to play games. You want to have fun by challenging yourself, or to relax. 

Sometimes when I have been working hard and living a healthy life, I get this feeling that I "deserve" to waste something ? So I would "waste" some time watching TV shows (in small amounts). Or I would "waste" some money to buy unnecessary things (also in small amounts). Then I would feel a little bit guilty, which is enough to motivate myself to continue studying or working, and yet not too much so that I would feel depressed. 

I'm not saying that you should follow my example. Just that there are plenty of challenging or relaxing activities which are not disastrous to your life. We chose to quit gaming for a reason. Keep that reason in mind.

I know. I feel like I just miss the community aspect of video games, but I know none of them are really my friends. I don't think my friends really ask me to hang out as much and it lets me down. I need to be in a social setting sometimes and video games made me feel like a king. 

[BooksandTrees]

I'm also trying another method of what I mentioned last week with wanting to do stuff vs needing to do stuff. Once I get agitated at work and feeling like I'd rather do something else I write a small list of up to 5 hours of stuff to fill my day when I get home. I noticed I get an eruption of energy at work with stuff I want to do and I don't do it because I forget and watch tv or read the internet. 

This way I'll remind myself how I want to read, write, etc. 

[Silverlining]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I know. I feel like I just miss the community aspect of video games, but I know none of them are really my friends. I don't think my friends really ask me to hang out as much and it lets me down. I need to be in a social setting sometimes and video games made me feel like a king. 

I see. You were probably very good at gaming and received a lot of attention back then.

I miss my old gaming community, too. I guess it's kind of like after breaking up, you are still not over your ex, but you know that the best thing to do is move on.

 

[BooksandTrees]

3 hours ago, Silverlining said:

I see. You were probably very good at gaming and received a lot of attention back then.

I miss my old gaming community, too. I guess it's kind of like after breaking up, you are still not over your ex, but you know that the best thing to do is move on.

 

That's basically it. I was the best player in the world at my role for several years and am still on YouTube, etc. It's really tough. 

[Silverlining]

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's basically it. I was the best player in the world at my role for several years and am still on YouTube, etc. It's really tough. 

That explains all the struggles that you have been through while growing a new hobby. Your game experience was too excited.

I guess we were both addicted to MMORPG, so I can totally relate to your feelings. But this detox could be much harder on you.

[BooksandTrees]

2 hours ago, Silverlining said:

That explains all the struggles that you have been through while growing a new hobby. Your game experience was too excited.

I guess we were both addicted to MMORPG, so I can totally relate to your feelings. But this detox could be much harder on you.

It makes sense. I really miss being semi famous in my community and getting the attention. It sucks when I'm lonely or want to feel better about myself. 

[info-gatherer]

If what you crave is success/attention (and there's nothing wrong with it ofc) there are other challenging ways to fulfill that need. For example, since you mentioned being on youtube as a gamer, you could try opening a youtube channel.

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

If what you crave is success/attention (and there's nothing wrong with it ofc) there are other challenging ways to fulfill that need. For example, since you mentioned being on youtube as a gamer, you could try opening a youtube channel.

I'd like that. I'm signing up for a stand up comedy class, learning to produce content, and I'm creating a cartoon. I tried a hockey podcast but didn't enjoy it as much as I thought. 

[BooksandTrees]

I don't think I have any real friends and feel really lonely in life. Really bothers me. Most people only talk to their girlfriends and when they're single they talk to me. If my friend is a girl their boyfriend won't like me after a while because we're close. My guy friends don't like when I talk to their girlfriends. People are so insecure and selfish. 

Fucking bothers me. 

[BooksandTrees]

I made some great discoveries in therapy today that I'll discuss. 

Video games and porn allowed me to live in my insecurities and hide from challenges that would have made me more comfortable with myself and overcome my insecurities. These made me settle into not liking myself, hiding from dating, hiding from making friends, hiding from traveling, hiding from life. 

I regret not going to parties and making more friends. I got invited, I was popular, but I got so embarrassed because I didn't like myself. I could not understand why or how someone would want to like me or spend time with me. It hurt my feelings almost when people wanted to see me because I hated myself so much and just couldn't face that hatred in the eyes and overcome it. It was agonizing. So I hid within games and porn.

I'm now trying to live life to make up for those losses. All I've ever wanted to do was go on fun adventures with my friends as a kid and love life and myself. I was so miserable and sad in my own head that I could never do it, but I was able to in video games. I could go anywhere and meet new friends. 

I'm going to have to learn how to forgive myself for this pain I put myself through. I chose to hide, but I had reasons due to a difficult relationship with my dad and issues with my family. Also, an underlying anxiety issue with an extreme anger issue. This is going to be hard for me. The path to breaking through this will lead me to liking myself for once, letting myself finally live life, give myself some peace from my inner turmoil, and ground me a bit from being frantic. 

I am also going to just do a few less hobbies and stop trying to do things in life to impress others. I think that is what got me thinking about my regrets. I just do stuff now in hopes to get attention and friends because I'm so upset over not having that fun as a kid because I'll never get it back. I'm so jealous and heartbroken that I secluded myself that I try so hard now to change. But I'm trying so hard that I'm not going anywhere. 

The video games bring me the friends, acceptance, and the comfort of not trying to overcome my fears. The porn brings me any woman I want without trying. They also give me immediate rewards instead of working hard. I've been addicted to games and porn since I was 14. I'm 28 now.  I'm learning how to explore life again. Right when I turned 14 this whole thing started. 

I also learned that my serotonin levels are low because the rewards circuits from gaming and porn drained them. My dopamine levels have been going nuts trying to push me towards the addicting behaviors. It's important that I eat right, continue the gym, and sleep normal amounts so I can restore my body and mind. 

Sorry for the long post and not talking to people as much. I've just been struggling heavily the past 3 weeks and am not doing well. 

Edited January 23, 2019 by BooksandTrees

[killua145]

53 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I made some great discoveries in therapy today that I'll discuss. 

Video games and porn allowed me to live in my insecurities and hide from challenges that would have made me more comfortable with myself and overcome my insecurities. These made me settle into not liking myself, hiding from dating, hiding from making friends, hiding from traveling, hiding from life. 

 I regret not going to parties and making more friends. I got invited, I was popular, but I got so embarrassed because I didn't like myself. I could not understand why or how someone would want to like me or spend time with mr. It hurt my feelings almost when people wanted to see me because I hated myself so much and just couldn't face that hatred in the eyes and overcome it. It was agonizing. So I hid within games and porn.

 I'm now trying to live life to make up for those losses. All I've ever wanted to do was go on fun adventures with my friends as a kid and love life and myself. I was so miserable and sad in my own head that I could never do it, but I was able to in video games. I could go anywhere and meet new friends. 

 I'm going to have to learn how to forgive myself for this pain I put myself through. I chose to hide, but I had reasons due to a difficult relationship with my dad and issues with my family. Also, an underlying anxiety issue with an extreme anger issue. This is going to be hard for me. The path to breaking through this will lead me to liking myself for once, letting myself finally live life, give myself some peace from my inner turmoil, and ground me a bit from being frantic. 

 I am also going to just do a few less hobbies and stop trying to do things in life to impress others. I think that is what got me thinking about my regrets. I just do stuff now in hopes to get attention and friends because I'm so upset over not having that fun as a kid because I'll never get it back. I'm so jealous and heartbroken that I secluded myself that I try so hard now to change. But I'm trying so hard that I'm not going anywhere. 

 The video games bring me the friends, acceptance, and the comfort of not trying to overcome my fears. The porn brings me any woman I want without trying. They also give me immediate rewards instead of working hard. I've been addicted to games and porn since I read 14. I'm 28 now.  I'm learning how to explore life again. Right when I turned 14 this whole thing started. 

 I also learned that my serotonin levels are low because the rewards circuits from gaming and porn drained them. My dopamine levels have been going nuts trying to push me towards the addicting behaviors. It's important that I eat right, continue the gym, and sleep normal amounts so I can restore my body and mind. 

 Sorry for the long post and not talking to people as much. I've just been struggling heavily the past 3 weeks and am not doing well. 

Hi, I've just read your post and it reminded me of my life. Trying to do everything to impress others and make some friends, Whenever I felt lonely( All the time ) or failed I turned to video games.  I found out about it 2 years ago, And since then I knew that if I wanted to make any friends I needed to be open to that. You can't do something and expect results from something else, but if you try to avoid hiding and start talking to people and making conversations your life will improve. I would suggest gaining some information about others and trying to talk to them about THEIR interests. In that way, I have a lot of friends just texting me talking about music, studying, all kinds of movies and other hobbies (Because they all think I'm interested ? )  I

[fawn_xoxo]

Would you care to share how you are going about this process of changing? You mention your understanding of how you got to the situation you are at right now, and that helps, but what are the steps you are taking to improve the situation, your state of mind etc? I think a lot of people would benefit from that knowledge.

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Would you care to share how you are going about this process of changing? You mention your understanding of how you got to the situation you are at right now, and that helps, but what are the steps you are taking to improve the situation, your state of mind etc? I think a lot of people would benefit from that knowledge.

I'll post a plan soon. I'm still figuring out the method. What I will say now is you can't forgive yourself if you don't know what you're forgiving yourself for. I thought I was forgiving myself for just doing my bad habits, but that meant nothing to me. I learned that what I was really upset with myself at was that I didn't attend these parties I was invited to, I didn't ask out the girl I knew liked me,  I didn't try harder in a sport I was playing and could have played in college, I didn't apply for scholarships, i avoided social events, and i didn't get my license until 2 years later. I didn't do these because i didn't like myself and thought nobody liked me. So i hid in an environment that fortified those walls that i never let down and promoted this behavior for years. 

To that person in my past. I'm sorry for your suffering and understand why you hid and why you feel bad about it. I understand that you wanted to do those things that you didn't do, but felt like you couldn't. I'm sorry and I forgive you. 

My next step is writing down reasons I should like myself today with the accomplishments I've done. I'll then try to learn to do things for myself rather than get others attention that would have satisfied my shortcomings that I had in high school and just do things for myself because I want to make myself happy. The rest is in the air for now. 

[BooksandTrees]

Glad to help.  I'm now recognizing when I want to watch porn and stuff.  I just ate dinner, I'm home from work, and I want to do something, but the first thing I do is get that rush to watch porn.  It sucks.  I swear this is 10 times harder than quitting video games. I'm just going to control the urge and explore why I'm needing it.  

I want to have fun and accomplish something, and I think it's just the natural instinct of the body to want an immediate satisfaction.  Think of when you're starving and you just want food and the first thing you want is that fucking delicious cake and donuts, even though it's dinner time and you'd get a more satisfied feeling if you ate steak, potatoes, and vegetables.

This is how I need to relate to porn and gaming.  If I am starving for satisfaction, fun, and accomplishment, I can't just watch porn and game.  It's like eating a donut when you're hungry.  It doesn't fill you up and too many make you sick.  If I just take my time and do something more fulfilling and have that patience then I'll be more satisfied.

[BooksandTrees]

Also, I bought AthleanX AX1 workout routine.  I know it's a generic routine and not amazing, but I've watched Jeff's videos for years and the guy is a very knowledgeable person dedicated to doing things the right way and not overwhelming you.  Even if it's not the best program for me, I'm gonna be damned and give it a shot so I can learn something.

[BooksandTrees]

 

[BooksandTrees]

I had an interesting experience just now that I wanted to share. 

I had a present a report today and I was so nervous about it even though I'm normally confident, I still get nervous. I had a lot of pent up frustration from gaming and porn withdrawal, traffic, not doing hobbies, just, etc. The adrenaline rush from facing that fear and thriving in it has completely balanced me out emotionally and mentally. I'm now calm and not suffering from what was plaguing me before. 

This is a sign to me that we really need to push ourselves to do some uncomfortable and scary things while we're recovering so we can experience life again, get out of our heads, and live. 

The biggest thing we miss about gaming is the reward and ther feeling of just doing something. The more we do, the better we heal. 

Let's fucking do it. 

[BooksandTrees]

7 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Yeah, it's true man. But it's really hard not to. I can recognize me being stressed and wanting a quick fix to my feelings. I just haven't fully figured out what to do what I feel this way instead of running off and using quick fixes. I need a healthy coping mechanism. But what the hell could that even be? O.o

I wonder if it's even the thought that's not working. Is it a coping mechanism you're looking for or is it a way of life that can keep you occupied, positive, on track to set goals and progress, and more. There are multiple things each day to do this too. I'm experimenting with the gym 5 days per week and a few small projects that I can do interchangeably. 

[BooksandTrees]

17 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

I think it's a perspective, way of life, ... kind of thing. I'm struggling with the idea that every tiny thing is a huge task. Household chores seem like a big deal, but then so does work, hobbies, freelancing, ... It's like I've created this huuuuuge mountain of stuff whereas in all actuality, it's not that bad. I make things bigger in my mind than they should be. And that stresses me out and freezes me up. I'm a perfectionist. Nothing's ever good enough. It's really hard for me to just do stuff and mindlessly enjoy it because somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like I should be working or performing better or whatever. 

So it's not like I need to go running more often to relieve the stress or just do more Krav Maga or something like that. I think I just need to learn to view and frame and approach things differently. But that's kind of hard and I don't really know how or where to start right now.

Right, and that's also a way of life and mindset change. Doing something to a lesser degree because it's not worth doing an amazing job on something that won't reward you as much or more than the effort you put in. It's this equilibrium we require and most of the time we do too much. 

Experience makes things easier to do over time and realistic expectations can guide our emotions better.