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SuperSaiyanGod

Super Saiyan Journal

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Ah, I had so much good stuff written and then I clicked something and and it disappeared. I'm gonna rewind and try to write that in short points. Let's see.

  • I've been gaming for the last week, but yesterday morning I deleted everything again. I was binge listening to a nice podcast while gaming, and now I'm going to have to drop that too, because it's going to remind me of the game. I almost couldn't sleep because of it, because I've been listening to it in my head.
  • I applied for the research project mentioned earlier. I don't think I'm going to get it, but still, it's worth a try. I started writing the application way too late, I only had a few hours for it.
  • I'm going to start working out and jogging again, and doing it more. I realised that I haven't been seeing any gains because I haven't been giving it my all. Now I'm going to work out in a weekly cycle, with two workouts and four jogging sessions. And I'm gonna work on more than one body part at the same day.
  • My friend is persuading me to start climbing. I might think of it when the summer starts. It would be great for my physique, maybe even social life. I'd also like to learn how to swim, that would be great for my joints and back.
  • I'm reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I showed it to my best friend (the climbing one) and we're going to work on it together, when he finiches his term. It's time to man up and make a real male friendship. For now I've decided to start a 3-6 month hiatus from trying to get the girls to like me. No dating, no flirting, no anything. I'll also do my best to combine that with no porn.
  • A guy from my club at college has just posted a job ad. Maybe I should apply, it's only on the weekends in June. I think it's related to teaching english, or conducting exams, and I talk pretty nice englisch.

A quote from the book on sexual hiatus:

Breaking Free Activity #39

Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits:

  • Helps break dysfunction cycles.
  • Eliminates pursuing and distancing.
  • Releases resentment.
  • Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex.
  • Helps the Nice Guy realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience.
  • Helps the Nice Guy see how he settles for bad sex.
  • Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy's partner can withhold sex or approval.
  • Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses. Whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, "Why am I feeling sexual?"
  • Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors.
  • Helps the Nice Guy begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex.

Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. It can be done.

Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience. You don't have to do it perfectly.

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I'm doing the program from Convict Conditioning. Only six exercises in various variants, though now I'm only doing four. I have a bad experience with r/bodyweight, they would just criticise me when I asked them for advice on something.

For now I'm doing a seven day cycle: day 1 is push-ups and squats, day 4 is leg-raises and bridges, and days 2, 3, 5 and 6 is jogging. I'm currently training to be able to run for 20 minutes straight with this program. And there's ten minutes of stretching every day.

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Thanks Cam. I find that the periods when I write in the journal are always better. Sitting at college currently, just had lunch, chilling while waiting for a lecture. A few thoughts:

  • I didn't get into the research program. Whatever, there's gonna be another time in a year.
  • I just made another bunch of money. Yayz! I think I'm feeling a bit more confident with my teaching skills, but I'm still a bit anxious every time I'm about to meet the person. I always hope that they are going to cancel, or not show up. I think I'm just scared of making a mistake or something.
  • Same thing applies to the job opportunity. I feel anxious about writing to my friend, who's the recruiter, because I feel I won't be able to back down after I show any interest. Damn, this is so stupid.

I actually know what this is, with all three of these points. Every time I'm actually hoping that a thing isn't going to work out, it's a self-sabotage.

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That's a normal experience when you are in the tension between who you are currently and who you want to become. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield is a good book about this. He calls it resistance

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I've currently started reading 4 books at the same time, three of which are self-help, so that's enough for now. But thanks for the tip :)

It's a religious holiday. 10:30. I woke up an hour after the alarm, but it's still a good score. I seriously wanted to get up so that I can do my exercises. I've made a longer than usual stretching session, and then I've been doing workout exercises I haven't been doing in quite a while. It's so refreshing, I feel young. And I've been working out hard, not the way I've been doing it for the last months. I don't even remember how long it was.

The plan for today is meeting my friends to help them with some VR research, and in addition to that simply studying. I have two essays to write, about 300 pages to read for the cognitive psych. exam, and a lot of notes for one in genetics. I have 14 days until the cp exam, so I only have to read... 22 pages a day. Doesn't sound that terrible. God, I love the exams, it's such an exciting challenge! The February session has been one of the best periods in my life.

And then? Summer. I've ruined every summer until now with gaming, even the one when I had a nice romance. Gaming, hours of porn, and hours of tv shows were the thing I've been doing in my free time almost every day of my life. I know without these three, or at least without gaming and tv, the summer is gonna be awesome...

@Paul A. told me two days ago that my life is "so interesting". I never thought of it that way. I never admitted such a possibility. I always thought a life alone can't be interesting. Now... I have a different perspective. Maybe the things I do aren't good ways to make friends with people. But I'm happy I'm in the place I'm in now.

One last thing. I'm already living in October, when there's gonna be the next party to organize. God, I love doing that so much, I already have so many ideas.

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Good journal, i liked reading it.

It has given me a good deal to think about myself, and good insights into what leaving behind some of your core activities, can mean to you, and the difficulties that come with that, especially over longer periods of time.

Itś amazing that you made a party like that, I think that requires courage, and a lot of planning probably aswell.

Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts, it is has been a pleasure to read.

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Thanks. I actually haven't read most of these posts after writing them.

Let's see. It's morning, I've already meditated and then I've decided to do the self-esteem exercises. Oh god. I've started doing them at the beginning of the month, then I had those 10 days of gaming, so I didn't do them, then I went for the assertiveness part. Jesus. This is such a waste of time. I'd rather just work on it in action istead of pondering about it forever, during the most frustrating 20 minutes of the day right when it starts. As I've said: things I do once are how the development is done. Those I have to do every day - a load of crap. Except for meditation.

I'll just do my jogging now. It's gotten so pleasurable lately.

I feel the sword of failure hanging above me. Turns out there's a lot more shit to do in order to pass these exams. And it seems there's more and more people trying to get some of this (I'm of course referring to the private lessons). I should start turning people down from now on. I should have started studying earlier. I could have had both of these essays ready months ago...

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I had a huge porn urge. Well, not that huge, but it was uncomfortable. First I thought I might just rub it out - which wouldn't be bad, but I've already done that yesterday and I don't want it to be too frequent - so I went to reddit, and there a tip: mindfulness meditation. So I've decided to do a guided session - but my roomies were having a lot of fun in the room nextdoor. So I've decided to go for a walk, but I've actually stopped, went back and got a bike, and went for a ride. Talk about... active recovery! (see, because biking is a form of active recovery you can do after a workout, but also I'm in recovery, and I've used biking to deal with the urge - it's a pun. And it's quite funny. God, I should be a comedian.)

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I finally finished writing the most terrible essay of my life! I hope I get a C!

I want to relate to the latest video, but I'm going to do that tomorrow. Or on Thursday. Yes, that sounds more probable, as I now have an exam to prepare for, it's gonna be in two parts and I have almost zero knowledge for the harder, more important, only-one-chance part. Oh boy. God, this is such a happy journal entry.

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I had a huge porn urge. Well, not that huge, but it was uncomfortable. First I thought I might just rub it out - which wouldn't be bad, but I've already done that yesterday and I don't want it to be too frequent - so I went to reddit, and there a tip: mindfulness meditation. So I've decided to do a guided session - but my roomies were having a lot of fun in the room nextdoor. So I've decided to go for a walk, but I've actually stopped, went back and got a bike, and went for a ride. Talk about... active recovery! (see, because biking is a form of active recovery you can do after a workout, but also I'm in recovery, and I've used biking to deal with the urge - it's a pun. And it's quite funny. God, I should be a comedian.)

I dont get the joke..

Seems you are doing so-so, but I still enjoy reading the journal you do have humor and I can definitely relate and can laugh about the inner thoughts of anguish and irony you have, when you express a frustration or when you have to do some meditation. :D thanks for the recent journalings bro, been a pleasure to read =3

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In the month of May I meditated for 5 hours and 27 minutes. Roughly ten minutes a day, every day. Now I'm trying to go up to twenty. Although I've been putting it off until the evening about half the time, and it's also easier while lying down. I should mostly meditate while sitting, but the evening sessions are a very relaxing addition.

I want to write more, but I think I should study. At least until Thursday, when there is an important exam.

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In the month of May I meditated for 5 hours and 27 minutes. Roughly ten minutes a day, every day. Now I'm trying to go up to twenty. Although I've been putting it off until the evening about half the time, and it's also easier while lying down. I should mostly meditate while sitting, but the evening sessions are a very relaxing addition.

I want to write more, but I think I should study. At least until Thursday, when there is an important exam.

5 1/2 hours is pretty amazing! I hope that's something you are proud of. :)

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I've been playing a game that I bought. It was a disappointment – I always had mixed feelings towards that game, but lately I've built an image of it that it's going to be the best thing ever if I play it. I am now six days clean, but I haven't had the time to write about that. The game is still there, I haven't got rid of steam yet. Luckily I only spent around 15 dollars on it, instead of the 40 or so that was on steam. That's a huge difference, and that doesn't ruin my budget.

I'm now going to reply to the call in the latest video, and try to plan my summer. I've written the scariest exam today. It was in two parts: how the first part went I'm not sure, but on the second one it was really easy to cheat and so I did. And I wouldn't have passed it otherwise. I'm only feeling bad about it because that's what I've been tought. But I want to learn that material on my own anyway, which I'm planning to do during the summer.

There's still one of the more hardcore exams, but after this one, the stress is over.

Every summer of my life has been wasted on games.

THE GIGANTIC PLAN CONCERNING SUMMER 2016, WRITTEN AND EDITED SEVERELY BUY THIS GUY

  • I'm scared of work. That's why I'm not going to get a job, unless my parents ask me to.

  • I want to have friends. I want to hang out with real people in real life. How do I do that? I have absolutely no idea. All of my plans include only me.

  • I want to focus on my physical exercises. I've found that they have become a natural reward for me. I seriously want to do them! I haven't been exercising the last two weeks (because of gaming and then because I wanted to focus on studying), but now I can start again. I'm not going to work out now, but I can't wait for the morning, when I am going to go jogging.

  • I want to extend my stretching sessions, so that instead of 10 minutes I'm doing around 30. I'm going to have plenty of time for all that. I want to work on my back, because it's in terrible condidion. And that's probably because I've been sitting like this and like this most of my life. Besides, it feels so nice when I just sit trying to stretch my back while listening to some nice music. I'm also seeing some problems with my breathing, perhaps I should stretch my abdomen.

  • Meditation. I'm trying to extend the sessions to 20 minutes. I want to keep that up for roughly a month, and then go to 30 eventually. I also know I have to meditate in a sitting position, and also in the morning, because my restless legs sometimes make it extremally hard in the evening. It's also easier while lying down, but I think it's actually worse for the attention focus.

  • I'd like to get up early every day, but I know how it always works out. I'm not going to focus on that this time, as it is only a source of frustration.

  • I want to spend at least two hours outside every day. Mostly because a lot of energy goes to cooling off so that's good for losing weight. It's gonna be either biking or reading at some nice place.

  • I want to read some books in english, for now I'm reading The War of the Worlds. I'm thinking of some more hardcore stuff like Heart of Darkness or The Catcher in the Rye next. But it's really hard to find a book that is interesting to me and at the same time available in english at the library.

  • I also want to get a book on cognitive psychology, which I should read considering the way I just passed the exam. This should me the core of my plan, but for now I'm not feeling that psyched about it. I know which books are good though. I simply have to read one of them for thirty minutes a day or more – I have to learn how to enjoy it. I'll probably have to buy them though.

  • Cold showers only, this is so easy during the summer ;)

  • I'd like to keep my room clean for once. Or at least clean it up really good once in my life.

  • I'm feeling like I should visit my parents, but I really don't want to. I like the privacy of my room. And they live in a middle of nowhere. Oh, I think I'm gonna do it anyway at some point.

  • I would like to do some creative project. I don't think I'm going to be writing any songs, this is way too frustrating. Hmmm, I'm gonna have to think about that.

  • I want to go to a dancing class. This is my dream, I love dancing and I want to learn how to do that. God, I love dancing. I have to write all my girls and find a partner.

  • As for this journal, I think everything is going well with it just the way it is now. I have no pressure to write here every day, and so I actually enjoy it very much. This is good, because every previous journal of mine has been ending after about two months.

Negative habits:

  • Porn. I have no way of fighting that. I'll just try to recover as fast as possible after every one of those frequent relapses, and focus on other things.

  • Games. Gaming is the only thing that is stunting my growth if I keep up with the good habits. All I have to do is work on positive things while not gaming, and it's going to be okay. I'm thinking that maybe naming the urges helps in dealing with them. I'm wondering if I should be naming the games themselves, or is that gonna work as triggers for people reading it, including me in the future. Any help? I currently have an urge for a Star Wars game, and a certain mmo, and one rpg game. Always the same thing basically: a role of a hero who changes the world, the world makes sense, the hero has friends, and he is constantly getting better and better. That's what I always crave when I have a craving for a game.

  • Junk food. I have trouble with it mostly when I am hungry. It is either the withdrawal from it, or a flaw in my diet, but I am often hungry soon after I eat. I shouldn't keep myself hungry, like I've been doing sometimes during the last weeks – not only does it induce cravings, but it also doesn't help with health in any way. I should eat every three to four hours, and I have to research what kind of easy food I can add into my diet that is going to work. I hardly ever have any idea what to eat for lunch/dinner. I also sometimes binge on something healthier towards the evening, because I'm just hungry a lot of the time. I think I'm gonna ask my mom about some foods.

  • TV series. I have to not start watching any tv series and it's going to be okay. Usually when I don't game, I start watching X-Files or something like that, and then I have to eat junk food while doing that, and then everything goes to hell. I just have to not start. I can watch one or two episodes of a thing while eating, but that is it.

That, I think, is all for now. Wow, it's long.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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@JustBeingReal could you delete that huge quote? I know what' you're referring to and it's taking too much space. Thanks for the article on stretching.

I have a bad mood today. I always get a bad mood when something is going not the way I want it to and then I always have a problem dealing with it.

I'm having a lot of urges for various games. I'm now seven days free, wow. But the words residing in my hea are thus: It's been just seven days. You can have some fun and then start over later. I am wondering how much sense does that make. One problem is that I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, so I can't play games all night.

I'm going for a bike ride.

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I am gaming. I started on Saturday, and now it's Monday, very late evening.

I always stop writing here when I go back to gaming. So I'm not going to stop now. Maybe that will help.

Hmm. Everything is going pretty well at college. Seriously, it's going really well. But I'm getting a bit stressed. I had one easy exam today, and there's gonna be another easy one tomorrow. Then there's a really scary one on Wednesday. Oh god, I'm scared of it. Maybe I should study more for it. And then there is a really easy one on... Monday. Ooooh, I want it to be over already.

I skipped two days of meditation. No, I skipped one, and I don't remember whether I meditated on the other one. I'm wondering how much that month of everyday meditation was worth if I was sometimes meditation a lot less time then I wanted to, and also meditated in bed which is easier.

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Hey I think it is a good decision to keep posting here. The reflection can be very helpful despite gaming. Hang in there. Soon your exams are over. Now is the time for a last sprint and then you are done and can properly relax!

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[Blocking steam]

Oh, why is it taking so long to update?! It's 22:30, I don't have all day!

New steam effectively blocked forever.

All games are gone.

The best summer break of my life (so far) - commenced.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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