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SuperSaiyanGod

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20 days without gaming.

Ummm, this weekend I went to the sea with 15 friends from my student association. Sleeping was hard and at times everything was boring or cold, but now I feel like a character from the Sims with his social bar filled up all the way.

I've decided to do a 5am challenge starting Thursday, for 21 days. This makes sense, because I often have trouble falling asleep, and while falling asleep I'm vulnerable to porn fantasies. So if I wake up ridiculously early, it's gonna be a lot easier to fall asleep. Also, the morning light is much better for anything than the fake evening light. The sun currently rises at 6am, so at 5am it's gonna be visible already.

That's my update. I don't think about gaming at all anymore.

Oh, I also started to read a lot! I'm done with self-help, but who would have thought fiction can be that interesting?!

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Okay, the 5am thing worked three times in a row and then I couldn't do it 4 times. Oh well, I'm still going to bed quite early, around 9pm, so I naturally wake up at 6am or 7am and that's good enough.

Let's see. 25 days or so since the last slip. I'm reading a vampire novel and I have cravings for a certain video game. Two of them actually. Luckily I would have to buy one of them in order to mod it correctly, and I don't have 40 Euros. Also, that game is a HUGE porn trigger, as many of the mods sexualize the gameplay, so I have two reasons to keep away from it. Three actually, because I can't game without junk food.

Shit, I'm sorry game. You're probably very interesting and all, but I'm choosing not to play you.

Another thing - I'm currently experimenting with my porn addiction and I'm seeing a lot of potential in this new method. Basicaly, when the urge to watch porn is too hard to fall asleep, I'm gonna allow myself to jerk off quickly, without any fantasy. Maybe after three or six months of this (combined with a consistent effort to create a better life), the urges will become less frequent. I always thought I would have to deal with everything at once: porn, masturbation and fantasy, because any one of them would induce a chaser effect. I now think I was wrong, I'm gonna deal with the porn and fantasy first.

Well, there, that's my update on, hmm, mostly porn. I'm mostly using this place for a general journal than one pertaining to gaming alone. It's pretty refreshing to come here every couple of days, without any compulsion to write daily.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Thanks. It's A LOT easier this way, although I still get some cravings for just porn, like: oh, maybe I could just screw this and let myself watch in anyway. But it's not that hard to overcome now. I actually look at those cravings without the kind of fear I used to have.

A thing about gaming: I'm having substantial urges to play an RPG game. The only trigger I might think of is occasionally reading some DnD rulebooks, fantasizing about playing it with someone. So I'm thinking, maybe one hour a day wouldn't be that bad. But then, I don't want to waste like 120 hours on something that's only feeding my compulsion.

Edit: No, I need to fill the time with something else. I don't want to live a default life. What's a one fulfilling thing that I can do for an hour a day? It shouldn't be about sitting and reading, or sitting in front of the computer, nor about physical exercise, these I already have a lot of. Social things every day, that's impossible. What else can I do?

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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In my opinion you should try to learn an instrument. It can be very fulfilling, has a lot of benefits for your brain and is fun if you overcame the first obstacle and are able to play anything.  I try to learn playing the piano again( had some training in my youth) and it is pretty fulfilling to play your own music and loose your self in trying to play a song perfectly.

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I've tried moderating and playing a single game for one hour a day. And maybe I could do this if I was on track with my other habits, but this weekend I just let go of most of them. Screw this, I'm not gonna try it again. One hour a day after a day of sensible work feels pretty good, but it doesn't feel good at all after a day of slacking off. I got rid of all the games again.

I'll just go for the more mundane average day for now.

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A binge has been transpiring until a few days ago, after 30 days of abstinence without a slip and an attempt to moderate to one hour a day because of boredom.

I've written a report on StopGaming, I'll put a link here so that I have it all in one place. I don't feel like writing about that again, and anyway it's no longer fresh.

The link to the report.

I've been writing about my spreasheets a couple of times but I've never had a way to photograph them until now. Here's the link for the lastet one and the one before that. And the legend for both is in this post.

Notice the Freedom Febraury in its most exquisite form, I'm very happy about how that went, although I remember I didn't do much during that time because I was on the wrong variant of the slight edge with other things. But I'm very happy about April, where you'll see a 15 at the end of the first row, which means it's been 50% porn-free. Which is I think my all-time record.

What else do I have to say? I'm working on tiny, annoying habits like things I do with my hands, because they're usually at my face, or reinforcing my head because it was always uncomfortable without that. I can imagine what it looks like and I know it's not good for my social interactions. Also, I'm constantly getting infections on my head from scratching it, and that makes shaving it hard. So I've decided to keep my hands away from my hea at all times, and it actually stopped being uncomfortable when I don't support it with my hands. I know these are minor problems, but I wanted to get rid of them. Another thing is talking to myself, which I've been doing for years, but eliminated it almost completely within a week, using only a little consciousness. The only problem is controling these tics when I'm occupied with something or even stressed, then I hardly ever notice them.

 

Edit

I'm trying to identify the needs which I'm trying to fulfill using gaming and porn. I can't think of any. This is very hard, but I'd like to understand them, I believe that to be an important step in beating these addictions.

Let's see. I'm usually playing games where I can talk to characters. I'm installing mods that increase immersion, to make me feel as it this was more like the real world. I'm also installing mods that add new characters which I can become friends with. I was once enchanted with one of these characters, so well-written and dubbed, I was replaying the game only to meet that one character again.

I only play games alone, and most of them are about being some sort of exceptional character. A hero that goes around the world, visits interesting places and does expectional things. Even when I used to play Wow, I would just do quests alone, go after whatever story there is, to make me feel like I'm a lone adventurer instead of one of the players who keep exping and competing against each other.

What else? I also like the progress I'm making in the games, getting levels, raising skills. Actually when my character gets strong and if the game becomes easy, I'm feeling disappointed and often lose interest.

As for porn, I have no idea. I just feel the compulsion to watch it, and I know the materials I watch have nothing to do with my needs.

What is it then? Here are some ideas for now:

  • Making constant progress
  • Feeling that I'm exceptional, that I'm doing exceptional things
  • Connection with people
  • Feeling that the world I'm inhabiting is interesting, predictable, makes sense and is prone to my influence
  • Feeling validated by other people (characters in this case)
  • Feeling needed, wanted, desired.

The last one is what I seek in porn, and I'm always disappointed.

The connection with people I think makes the most sense actually. I'm talking about a deep connection, with a loved one or with a parent.

I'm scared that the lack of connection with my parents during my childhood has ruined the rest of my life for me. Maybe I'll never be able to connect with anyone if I couldn't with them? If I still can't with them? Maybe I've been taught that I'm not worth it, or that it's impossible to do for someone like me? This makes me want to cry.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Let's see. I wrote about me trying to identify those needs on r/pornfree and the responses were... kind of shallow.

I ate junk food today. I had a huge craving for porn when I was at classes and I was going home with a plan to watch porn and eat junk food. Which I did.

I'm very busy, but it doesn't help with abstaining from porn. I'm doing three things:

  • Organising a Psychologist's Ball, and I'm doing almost everything myself, and I have to prompt everyone to do anything every time! I think I'm gonna be the... like, the guy who runs the party on the spot and goes on the scene and makes fun happen. My vocabulary is so good!
  • I'm studying for exams.
  • I started giving private lessons and I've already made 110zł, oh yeah! It's so much fun to make money, I love having money. I don't really spend a lot of money, but I like having it. Anyway, this is taking up so much time, I actually have to hurry with my morning routine!

I've started meditating though, and I got pumped when there was mention of meditation and mindfulness on my cognitive psychology and talk of how great it is for everything. Hurray!

There's a poster to make which I've been struggling with the club for several days until it was perfect, in the attachment.

Oh, I'm gonna be Darth Maul!

OSTATECZNY PLAKAT!!!!.jpg

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I started giving private lessons and I've already made 110zł, oh yeah! It's so much fun to make money, I love having money.

Having $ can definitely improve confidence too for sure

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These are the things I have to do the make my life what I want it to be:

  1. Stop watching porn.
  2. Stop gaming.
  3. Stop eating junk food.
  4. Fix the relationship with my parents.
  5. Become assertive.
  6. Build indomitable discipline with my daily habits.

Instead I'm gaming again, and organizing my day around the game. And watching porn 5 times a day.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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These are the things I have to do the make my life what I want it to be:

  1. Stop watching porn.
  2. Stop gaming.
  3. Stop eating junk food.
  4. Fix the relationship with my parents.
  5. Become assertive.
  6. Build indomitable discipline with my daily habits.

Instead I'm gaming again, and organizing my day around the game. And watching porn 5 times a day.

Instead of seeing it as things you have to "stop", reframe them in a positive. Instead of "fix the relationship with my parents" reframe it as "to have a positive relationship with my parents" and so forth. Tony Robbins talks about how you are only motivated by one of two emotions - pain or pleasure. You can find a lot of videos and content by him online about it. Can make a big difference.

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Hi SuperSaiyanGod,

I've just read your journal from start to finish, spanning a period of around 4 months.

It's easy to look at yourself and feel like you're back at step 1, but have no fear. We all need to make small incremental changes over a long period of time that will ultimately result in a better big picture.

If there's anything I can suggest, it would be to get a job. Make money, even if through a part-time minimum wage gig. Finding positive things to fill your time will eliminate the need to tell yourself not to do things. Half of the problems on your list will be solved. 

Who is paying for your food and accommodation at the moment?

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Thanks guys, I'll relate to everything next time.

I'm so stressed about everything right now. I wanted to wake up early so that I had a lot of time to do my morning routine without having to hurry, but I forgot to set the alarm. Today I have to give a lesson, sell tickets, go to classes, go to a second hand store to buy things for the costume, and probably also plan the activities for the event. The last one is problematic, because I have no internet outside of home.

If this is my journal, I think I'm allowed to complain a little. Is this complaining or just talking about a problem to the right person - me?

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Thanks guys, I'll relate to everything next time.

I'm so stressed about everything right now. I wanted to wake up early so that I had a lot of time to do my morning routine without having to hurry, but I forgot to set the alarm. Today I have to give a lesson, sell tickets, go to classes, go to a second hand store to buy things for the costume, and probably also plan the activities for the event. The last one is problematic, because I have no internet outside of home.

If this is my journal, I think I'm allowed to complain a little. Is this complaining or just talking about a problem to the right person - me?

You've got this man! 

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For now, I beat a huge porn urge during a porn session. I quit and went to sleep, and fell asleep easily. I couldn't delete the stash though because it had a too strong attraction, even with pictures disabled.

I just got back from the party I was organizing, it's three a.m. and I still look like this. God, I wanna stay like that forever. The party was nice, I think it's still going on, but I kinda got depressed towards the end because I can't dance very well. I can dance well on my own, but not in pairs with holding hands and so on. Anyway, it was a success even though there were about 70 people (optimistically) and some of the contests didn't come to be. And I was DARTH MAUL!

Next on my agenda: apply for a research program for students, it's called European Summer School and I can go to Turkey for a week, where I start a project with 5 other people and then we work on it for a year, resulting in a publication in some serious psychology journal. God, I wanna do this so much. Even if I don't get admitted this time, I'm gonna apply five times in a row every year afterwards.

Now... I gotta take a shower... :(

IMAG0347.jpg

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I know, I'm trying to find a willing partner and a course that's going to suit us both. There's a lot of salsa in my city, but I'm also gonna have to find someone who doesn't leave for the summer. God, I love dancing, I've been at two courses already but every time my partner at some point.

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