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SuperSaiyanGod

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You shouldn't be alone with these thoughts. What's your situation, do you have someone close to you? You should at least call someone! This won't last. Thinking that this will last is only a part of being in this dark place. Please please get in contact with someone close by!!!

Edited by Zala
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Hey this sounds really troubling man and i am sorry you are going through this. This way of thinking is your mind and body screwing you. The only thing you can do right now is not killing yourself but reaching out for help. Family, friends or even better professional help like a suizide hotline. People will help you and you deserve to be helped.

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I feel the same right know.

Tomorrow there is a chemistry Lab(I don't like it) and I am still not off gaming.

I don't know how to have the desire to stop playing video games on a practical way.

Theoretically it would be to limit phone usage but on a practical level I hesitate to just go without it for 10MIN...

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/16/2018 at 9:45 PM, SuperSaiyanGod said:

This looks like the perfect, permanent solution to this permanent problem.

Thats because in the state you are now and because you cant think rationally in such state of mind. The thing is that this state of mind is a temporarly thing. I had same experience in my life and we can talk about that stuff. I am not offering you a proposal to be your personal therapist or something , but based on my experience some conversations(in reasonable manners) really help to make the flow of feels and thoughts in your head from ooze which they are in such state of mind into something more consistent.

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 This week there took place an event my friends and I have been preparing since February. It was a meeting of all the officials of a large European student organisation I'm in. 70 people from around the continent, 8 days. Even though a few nights were hard, this was probably one of the top 3 weeks of my life. And for the first time in my life I felt like I have a group of friends. Then there was an after party with just the ten of us. We really got close to each other, or at least that's what I hope it is. And I hope it lasts.

But now I have to return to my crappy life, and I feel even worse about it because of the contrast. I just have to survive the next month, I have three large projects which I am panicking about, but they will be over by the second week of December. I don't really care about doing them well, I just wanna survive. 

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Starting this moment, the most hardcore week of this year starts for me. Three major projects to do, one by Tuesday and two by Friday. But I'm gonna do it. So, starting now, I don't have time for even a single distraction. No youtube, no movies. No two hours of porn before going to sleep, no sleeping in in the morning. This is something I can do. I'll tell you how it went in a week.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I did it. I've assembled a six person team and we prepared an outline of a large event and sent it to a contest from which we're might get the funds to see it through. It was pretty hard, but I had a lot of help from more experienced people. I also had a great team.

I've finished one of the smaller projects, the other one is by this Friday, not the previous one. So I'm gonna finish it by the end of the week and then have a quieter period.

I'm having a bit of trouble controlling my eating. I eat to much pizza and waste a lot of money on it. Otherwise, I feel stressed out but pretty okay.

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@SuperSaiyanGod The way you describe life, it sounds like everything is stressing you out. Is it possible for you to reach out to someone in your location to help you with evaluating options to make your life less tense? You deserve peace and calm, you deserve happiness and joy. The negative emotions we all experience are useful in that they are warnings that tell us to take some action. In this sense, your stress is an indicator that you need to make changes in your life for more balance. You aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed, but be sure, once we get used to life's real circumstances and stop avoiding it all via gaming and other mind numbing distracting activities, we become more and more capable in dealing with it all and dealing with it well. 

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  • 1 month later...

I haven't touched junk food, snacks, ice cream, candy etc. in over six months. December 24 was actually ~180 days. December 24 was also supposed to be exactly 90 days without gaming. I had a reddit post planned to celebrate that. I made it to around 80 though. At some point I decided that since I waste a lot of time anyway, I might as well waste it on games, because what's the difference. I can be reasonably productive even if I spend 5 hours a day on porn and the internet, so if I replace some of that with gaming it wouldn't be a problem. The whole reason I had cut out gaming in the first place was so that it wouldn't distract me from college stuff.

Well, there is only one difference between gaming and surfing, and it's that gaming makes me want to do it more. The more I game, the more I want to game the next day. And very soon my days became almost exclusively about gaming. At one point a few weeks ago I started working really hard on reducing procrastination. I was making detailed plans and intentions about the things I'm gonna do, and I felt really good because I was taking care of all the stressful stuff very quickly. I intended to continue during my Christmas break, and I even kept it up for three days. I woke up quite late, but I got to work immediately. I planned to do several important things during the week. I worked on them incrementally, for 2-4 hours a day, and then went to visit a friend or played video games. But I soon started playing video games until 2am. Then 4am. When I was with my friend, I often wanted to go home and play video games. Sunday the 23rd was the last productive day, then between Monday and today I've been doing almost nothing but gaming.And I've been going to sleep after 4am and waking up after noon. And I was getting increasingly stressed out about all the important things I still have to do.

So now, at 4am I've decided to get rid of my games again. This time it should be much easier even than the last time, because I've learned a lesson about why I really don't want to game. Still, I made it to 80 days. It's never been that long, except maybe in 2012 when I had a girlfriend. And it was surprisingly easy because I spent the entire summer preparing. And I took it one thing at a time - instead of attempting to turn my life over, I just added another element to a change that's been going on since June.

I still have quite a lot of time to get everything done. I'll just have to start working on it.

My diet is reasonably okay compared to how I ate earlier, though I haven't been losing weight for about two months because I ate too much pizza. As in every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll work on that too.

It appears I am not going to any new year's eve party. Oh well. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've ever been to one (or hosted one) that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's more like I always expect the next one is going to be perfect.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Your post remind me on a conversation with a friend. He is imo addicted to lol and he used to say also "where is the difference?" When I said i do xy(non productive things), or I played games with my family etc.. He always wanted to say lol isnt worse than other unprodutive things. So basically like you, why not playing, when you already waste much time. Why wasting time with semi funny things? Instead waste it with things like playing. But yea, your results on that are definetely true. Gaming is much worse than just to be not productive. Of course you should aim to bE productive.ä

would write more, but its late

give ur best

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  • 4 weeks later...

I want to quit gaming. I know it doesn't serve me. But I don't know how to do it, I don't know what I did last time when I made it to 80 days. I guess I was just motivated. Or I started at the right moment. I remember feeling ready for it. It was supposed to serve a specific goal of being an engaged student. I also started at a time when I had very little stress from external sources (in contrast to the often-present stress from the inner source of suicidal thoughts). So right now I am basically over with my semester. I only have two small things and one tiny, easy exam and then I'll have exactly three weeks of winter break. Which means it's going to get a lot less stressful. This should make not gaming much easier.

So I'll start now and I'll have a headstart.

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I've just remembered something. The rule was that anything goes as long as I do / don't do x. It worked perfectly for my diet (haven't broken any rule even once in seven months), exerecise (hadn't skipped a day until me knee started acting up), and then video games. Maybe I'll just apply that again.

Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it. Especially since gaming is an active activity, and I don't really have any other active things to do that I would be able to do for such a long time.

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On 1/29/2019 at 12:13 PM, SuperSaiyanGod said:

Although I really want to game right now. I can't think of anything that could take my mind off of it.

Hey, SuperSaiyanGod, I understand the cravings that you had to go through. I have a piece of advice for you:

It's okay to have cravings from gaming, but it's never okay to give in to them. If you do, remember that you are not a failure, and you can rise again after you fall.

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  • 6 months later...

I'm the stupidest piece of shit I know. I fucking hate myself.

I just woke up, at 5:30pm. After going to sleep at 9:30am.

This is what every day looks like. I'm happy if I'm able to get up at 2pm. This completely ruins my motivation for anything.

I have two immediate things that I have to do, they are overdue, and I'm completely unable to start.

I don't have the strength to do anything. My room is a horrible mess. I'm unable to do the most basic tasks.

I'm not guided by any goal or purpose. I just react.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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Operation GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 1, 29.08.2019.

Okay. I knew the first step was to wake up early, because waking up late is what makes me feel horrible immediately as soon as the day starts. So today I went to bed at around 1:30am, watched a movie for a short while, read two pages, and I turned a bit sleepy so I went to sleep. I knew my body would register it as a nap, but that's better than nothing. And I slept on and off til maybe 5:20am. And I got up.

And get this, I already did some work. More precisely, I came up with the research subject I was supposed to figure out and after brief literature search it seems to hold up. So now I feel really good about myself.

Well, okay, I came up with it yesterday as I was going to bed, and just checked it today. Still counts.

Now the goal is to not go to sleep until midnight. Until then, anything goes to keep me occupied and not in bed, including all indulgences. My goal right now isn't really to fight any compulsions, but instead to get my life back into an operational condition.

I'm going to record this exact process, wherever it may lead. That way I'll know what exactly what I did next time I'll find myself in the same situation.

 

By the way, a couple of days ago I hit 14 months of relatively good diet. Haven't had potato chips, candy, candybars, or any packaged snacks including waffles, cookies etc. in 14 months. In general I have 2-3 meals a day, and only eat when I'm really hungry (sort of listening to the signals of my body and all that). Pizza is allowed, and at times there was definitely too much of it. Had that not been the case, I would have lost much more than 23kg.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 2, 30.08.2019

Went to sleep at around midnight, it felt like a nap because I woke up at 3am unable to sleep, but then stayed in bed and somehow stayed asleep. So I was asleep on and off til 5:40am or somewhere around that.

Yesterday I slept between 5pm and 7pm. I just couldn't stay awake. Today I think I'll go to sleep somewhere around 1pm for the same reason.

That's it for now I guess. I'm already very sleepy.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 3, 31.08.2019

It's 5:40. I went to sleep at around 0:20am, and immediately fell asleep to what was registered as a nap, until 2:00am. But then I just went to sleep again and somehow slept until around 4:40, and haven't been able to fall asleep since then. So for now the plan is to do some stuff for a few hours and then go to sleep for another three hours.

I'm feeling this weird combination of sleepy and hungry.

I did all my taksk yesterday except cleaning the room. So today's task is pretty much only to cleann the room and the apartment.

I'm feeling pretty good since the last time I tried this, by day three I was depressed because I had reverted back into my old sleeping habits. That got me extremely depressed actually, and that depression lasted until three days ago. I'm doing quite well so far though. It's not very hard at all if I go easy on myself. And I don't see a reason why I shouldn't.

I'm not quitting gaming right now. That is a goal for some weeks down the road. According to that rule I'm focusing on one thing at a time, and the most important thing (the one with the largest effect on how I feel) is the sleeping habits. Last time I quit gaming (somewhere around 24.09.2018) I was able to go to 80 days because I was ready. I was mentally prepared after three months of working on my other habits, namely food and sleep. Back then the two were a great success and I was highly motivated and well-equipped to do the gaming thing. But right now I'm not prepared, when I tried to quit several days ago I went maybe 22 hours. And it amde me feel horrible. Which is why there's no point in trying to do that right now.

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GET MY LIFE INTO OPERATIONAL CONDITION - Day 4, 1.09.2019

It's 6:34am. This day is sort of a milestone because the exact same situation as last time I tried this happened yesterday, but the reesult was different. So last time I tried to fix my sleeping habits, at day three I screwed up and instead reverted back into my old sleeping habit, by I think going to take a nap sometime before noon and sleeping for like five hours. This made me completely depressed for several weeks, I've actually never felt this bad before, never had as little motivation as I did then. I felt like a complete failuer, unable to perform even the most basic tasks in life, sort of like what I described just before day 1.

Well, yesterday the plan was to go to sleep sometime before noon or in the early afternoon and sleep for maybe two hours. This would allow me to feel better during the day but not screw up with my falling asleep during the night. Well, I went to bed at 9:00am and the two hours turned into five. And it wasn't registered as a nap but instead as normal sleep.

I instantly felt angry and disappointed in myself, just like last time. Like I'm a failuer and that the rest of the day is already ruined and wasted because I couldn't even do this simple task, and because the effort from the last few days was now wasted. But then I thought that, even though I felt the anger (which I was trying to hold back and not let it turn into full-blown self-hate), I could stil turn this around by doing the major task I had planned, which was to clean my room and the apartment. My room had been a mess, with barely a way to walk from the door to the bed, and no way to get to the window, and I knew that it was sapping my motivation the same way my bad sleeping habits had. And so I started working on that on the course of the rest of the day, and it took about five hours to complete.

Now my room looks very well, I threw out all the trash, cleaned the floor, reorganised the items which have been piling up (sort of against my minimalism: guitars, amplifier, stationary bike etc) and now I have a lot of space in the middle. So much that when I return here in two weeks (because I'm leaving today) I'll be able to exercise comfortably (about that later).

And at the end of the day I felt accomplished, and I liked myself. I think the self-hate that I so often experience stems from a disappointment in myself for not being able to do basic tasks, for procrastinating, etc. Yesterday I had none of it. I feel like my head is now more clear and I can soon start focusing on the more complex aspects of my life.

Now it's 6:48 and I have to get going because in a few hours I'm leaving for my parents' for two weeks. I sort of dread some of it but more about that later. The main task for today is: while I'm at the train for four hours, look into and start writing that thing I've been procrastinating with for almost two months. Once I do that there'll be a lot less stress in my life.

Day 4. That was night 4 too I think. After the night 4 I felt my sleeping was much more stable. I think it's a matter of a few more nights at most before my sleeping pattern gets normalised, and then it'll be just about sustaining it and making it a proper habit.

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