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JustTom

JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

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Hey,

Have you thought about rewarding yourself with something that requires you to go out (something you REALLY LOVE doing) the day after a deadline - it seems that these relaxing days are the most likely ones for you to start playing. (Maybe something that makes you get home at a time where it's not too late at night but also late enough to not start anything like playing poker afterwards)

But still, like you said, you have the POTENTIAL. You just have to find YOUR way of exploiting it. ……… (I hope google translate is right 😕   )

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Just a real quick update: at the uni right now, working hard, trying to save this block's courses. Will update in the evening again or tomorrow and reply as well.

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Day 2/90 | Gaming Media 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: a bunch

Afternoon update: haven't gamed yesterday and won't game today, so I'm chalking it up in advance. 

I have to say, except for two days that I got to the uni and worked a bit, the past ~10 days have been a nightmare. Even this morning, I felt like my mind is floating in space. I was the opposite of being present. Sooo much anxiety, depression. I wish I could say I was sad or angry or disappointed, but it wasn't even that. There is just no emotion. I'm sorry to you guys who follow my journal for being so negative, but it is what it is. It is now my intention to move on forever. The counter is still set to 90 days just to have some checkpoint or goal to strive towards, but really I'm aiming for indefinite. I crawled my way to the university today again, so I'm going to start working on the AI assignment to at least hopefuly get like 50% and have enough to show up for the exam. I am slowly re-claiming some of my self-esteem and will be back to full force in a few days. 

On 10/9/2018 at 10:32 PM, Peregrinator said:

I think you need to recognise that you are trying, even when you relapse you are still coming back and that's really good to see, I get the pattern is furstrating but you are keeping up the good fight and I hope you recognise this.

 Stay with us , I;m glad you have come back and havn't given up.

Like Karabas says I think when your day counter is low you are more likely to relapse so maybe split out the games from the videos for now.

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it! I used to always pride myself on being someone who never gives up because I try again after every failure. But in a sense, failing in the first place is giving up. Every time I relapse, every time I'm not able to control my impulses - whether it's gaming or videos, or sleeping, or whatever else - I am giving up and choosing to lose. It's just a different way of looking at giving up. I'm starting to think that I've been a hypocrite to myself all this time. But of course, this is just semantic gymnastics, so it doesn't actually matter. What matters is the improvement and trying the hardest we can. So that's what I'm doing, staying here and restarting the detox for the millionth time. 

On 10/9/2018 at 11:38 PM, Philipp said:

Hey,

Have you thought about rewarding yourself with something that requires you to go out (something you REALLY LOVE doing) the day after a deadline - it seems that these relaxing days are the most likely ones for you to start playing. (Maybe something that makes you get home at a time where it's not too late at night but also late enough to not start anything like playing poker afterwards)

 But still, like you said, you have the POTENTIAL. You just have to find YOUR way of exploiting it. ……… (I hope google translate is right 😕   )

100% correct. Cam talks about 3 activites we need to have ready at hand - engaging, social and resting. Right now, the engaging activity is university work and the gym. For social, I can go for a beer with folks almost any time and I also like to do cold approach, but this one has been taking a backseat for more than a year(perhaps not for the benefit of me). The resting activity I don't have figured out at all. In the past I said I would fiddle around in my music production software, but I left my mouse back home in order to reduce the chances of relapsing, which incidentally made it so I can't fiddle around in the music production software. So it's either get a mouse again or find something else for now. But I just don't know what could satisfy that space when I'm home late in the evening and want to just chill after being productive for 12+ hours, yet there is nothing social happening. Next time I'm done after a deadline, I'll do one of two things: go play the piano at the upper floors of our building till late night or just call around some people if it's not too late to have a drink. See where that takes me. I definitely don't want to start watching movies or some shit like last time. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 3/90 | Gaming Media 1/90 | Overslept: A Tiny Bit | Pomodoros: 18

Productive day at the uni. I technically went through more pomodoros, but I had such weak focus and so much procrastination, that I didn't count a few. This whole situation is just so furstrating. If I didn't relapse or if I didn't relapse for this long, I would have been on-schedule with school work. This way, I have to beg for help again, do as little work on the business course as possible and do absolutely nothing else but the AI assignment to meet the deadline. After that, I will have 3 days to prepare for the business exam and 3 days for the AI exam + do a presentation on a research paper. Fuckiiiiiiing YIKES. But I think it can be done. And on top of that, I am sooo looking forward to the mini-break and a fresh start on the last 2 courses. They should also be a bit easier so as long as I don't relapse again, I might even have some time for social life.

WINNABLE.

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Day 4/90 | Gaming Media Detox 2/90 | Overslept: A bit | Pomodoros: 20

I got my tempo back. Even though it took me some time to get to the uni, once I did, I had very strong focus. Started by coding so I got into the zone very fast and despite random external interruptions(fire alarm in the building t.t ), I was able to more or less keep it up throughout the day. Huge progress with the assignment was made. Thankfully, the implementation part was not very difficult, so I might be able to finish the whole thing in time. 

This was also the second day of intermittent fasting in a row, so I'm finally losing weight again, feels much better.

WINNABLE.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 5/90 | Gaming Media Detox 3/90 | Overslept: A tiny bit | Pomodoros: 22

Another productive day. I would just like to point out that these pomodoros are pure hustle time. I don't count lunch, dinner, commuting or talking to classmates/friends. So I'm happy that I'm able to work hard, since it's one of my core values. I was never able to honor this value when I was gaming. But when I'm following a strict system to get my shit together, I can be beastly productive. The gaming media absolutely has to be a part of the detox, it is now clear to me that it makes no sense without it. I will join the counters once I have at least two weeks worth of both.  

WINNABLE.

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Day 6/90 | Gaming Media Detox 4/90 | Overslept: NO! | Pomodoros: 18 + Gym

Another one. Managed to crank out 18 pomodoros AND go to the gym, despite having to spend hours in the morning to buy a new bike. I'm doing it! Deadlines are coming up, but I'll make it. 

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Day 7/90 | Gaming Media Detox 5/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 13

Whew, hard day. I won't even babble about the morning anxiety, but I got out of bed at ~17 and then got to the uni at around 18, where I stayed until 5am to catch-up on all the work I had to do. But...those were the most unproductive 13 pomodoros of my life. I couldn't focus at all, partially because of a nice headache until midnight. Massive procrastination on top of that and I also ate way too much. Only thanks to my strong commitment did I not start watching gaming vids. Days like this can easily lead to a relapse - I have to be careful and mindful every time these moods come up. Very dangerous. I will not give up again. I am committed to never watch a gaming video, never check a gaming subreddit and never play a game ever again. This shit is worse than poison and will destroy my life if I so much as dare to open a gaming youtube channel. I have such a beautiful life ahead of me. The few minutes of relief are NOT WORTH the loss of immense potential I have. 

This happened because I was pushing a bit too hard. During the last 6 days, I was very productive, but I shouldn't have tried to minimize sleep. I wanted to get some more work done yesterday before I left, and so I planned for only 6 hours of sleep. This made me groggy in the morning and with the way my morning system is set-up, it went very badly. I made revisions to it today though and I will stick to 7-8 hours of sleep every day unless it's absolutely necessary to meet a deadline or something. Which brings me to tomorrow...

Good news is that the assignment is submitted, 1 day before the deadline. The bad news is that tomorrow will be hard-mode, with only 3 hours of sleep I have to revise our presentation, then survive a 1- or 2-hour long poster session, then do a lot of work on the business course project and then start studying for the exam as well. Essentially, it's going to have to be a 30-pomodoro day while being sleep deprived. Will be fun. 

Edited by JustTom
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6 hours ago, JustTom said:

This happened because I was pushing a bit too hard. During the last 6 days, I was very productive, but I shouldn't have tried to minimize sleep. I wanted to get some more work done yesterday before I left, and so I planned for only 6 hours of sleep. This made me groggy in the morning and with the way my morning system is set-up, it went very badly. I made revisions to it today though and I will stick to 7-8 hours of sleep every day unless it's absolutely necessary to meet a deadline or something.

Yeah man, I really feel like this sleep thing is the key to it all. Most of my relapsing happens when I'm sleepy & tired, and even if I don't relapse, the few hours saved on not sleeping usually get made up by lack of productivity due to being tired.

Good luck with the assignments. You got this.

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Day 8/90 | Gaming Media Detox 6/90 | Overslept: No| Pomodoros: 13 + social

Classmates convinced me to go out to a chill free evening event, so I did. I haven't started studying for the exams yet and our team still needs to finish a report, so it's tot that I can afford it time-wise, but it was nice. It made me realize how socially stifled I am currently, it's pretty bad. I used to be very energetic, talkative and funny. Nowadays I kinda feel like an empty husk in social situations lol. It's fine though, I know it's temporary and after the final exam on Friday, I'll start living a little bit as well and regain my ability to vibe, as long as I can keep up my sleep habits, discipline, and mental health. 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 9/90 | Gaming Media Detox 7/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 8 + Gym

I was having a VERY hard time focusing, massive procrastination. But I am proud that I stayed determined to NOT watch any gaming content. I did binge on stand-up comedy quite a bit, while I should have been working on the report and studying for exams. Yikes. Nevertheless, I picked it up towards the end of the night and the last 4 pomodoros were very productive. Only 8 in the end, but considering I overslept so much and hit the gym, it's fine. I'm going to sleep for 7 hours now and tomorrow I'll absolutely crush it. 

 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 10/90 | Gaming Media Detox 8/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 15 + Gym + Chores

ahhh, day started out fantastic but then I went home before midnight to eat dinner and crank out 2-3 more hours of studying(the first exam is in 2 days), but instead I over-ate like a fucking psycho stuffing my head with chocolate peanuts like they were the last piece of food on earth. I got so sick I just laid there and watched some more stand-up comedy until 3:30(now). Sooo yeah Imma just go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow, try to cram in everything I can. I don't really care about the grades so I'm not stressing too much, but I want to go through all the material at least once. Anyways, disappointing last 3 hours of a long day, but still got a lot of shit done, so it's fine. My control of life is still not perfect, but it's steadily improving with good speed. 

One thing I'll mention is that I have no cravings to play games, but I still feel the urge to just watch some starcraft or some dumb gaming youtube channels I used to follow. It's been such a constant in my life for the past 8 years that it feels weird being without it. Weird, but good. I just have to keep at it, keep being determined and committed, and the weirdness will go away. I am slowly but surely forgetting about the old world. It's uncomfortable, but it's time to close that chapter and move on. Do not look back!

Anyways, tomorrow I got no gym, groceries, social activities or chores planned so watch me beast it with at least 25 pomodoros. 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 11/90 | Gaming Media Detox 9/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 4

On 10/22/2018 at 3:35 AM, JustTom said:

 

Anyways, tomorrow I got no gym, groceries, social activities or chores planned so watch me beast it with at least 25 pomodoros. 

 

...lol.

I stayed home to study instead of going to the uni, for absolutely no other reason than laziness aaaaaaaand I procrastinated away the entire day. I am VERY proud of myself that I didn't go into any gaming content, not even poker, that's quite unbelievable, but now I am totally not prepared for the exam. It should be easy, but it's like the south park episode where Cartman goes to a special olympics contest pretending he's retarded, thinking he can easily snatch the 1st prize money, but ends up being last because he's fat and stupid. Looks like I'm going to be Cartman tomorrow, yipee!

Edited by JustTom
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You know, I've never seen South Park but from the countless references thrown out about it on this forum it sounds like a wonderful show. I should really watch it sometime...

Anyhow, best of luck on your test 🙂

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Glad you didn't relapse man. Be careful with letting yourself too many of such days though. You can only test your willpower for so long.

And good luck on the exam 🙂

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Day 12/90 | Gaming Media Detox 10/90 | Overslept: A little bit | Pomodoros: 14 + exam

I'm back with another productive day! The exam went meh, but as long as I pass I don't really care. Tomorrow I'll have to put on my social dynamics hat and convince some important people at the faculty to approve my second business course, because yesterday they rejected my graduation course list lol. The AI exam is on Friday. I've already been preparing for it so as long as I put in two more days of 8-10 hours each, I should be totally gucci. Today, as a small reward, I'm going up to play the piano for an hour 🙂

@Deku @karabas Thanks my dudes, I got dis! (and yes, south park is indeed the greatest thing to happen to mankind since the invention of sliced bread)

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Day 13/90 | Gaming Media Detox 11/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 18

Good day. I was expecting myself to crush it more, but hey - 9 hours of studying is acceptable. I was being very productive until around 18-19, when I started talking to a friend/classmate, ended up talking about the imminent environmental crisis and veganism for like an hour, then ate dinner, watched an episode of a TV show and when I wanted to get back to studying, I had no more tempo, no more focus. Tomorrow I'll go through last year's exams, plug some of the major knowledge holes and I should be more or less prepared for the exam on friday. I'll go play the piano for a bit again, feelsgoodman.jpg

p.s: I fasted for almost 18 hours and didn't even feel hungry, huh. I'll try to push it more next time, just to see what happens

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Full Detox Day 12/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 16

Prepared as best as I could for tomorrow's exam, hopefully, it's going to be alright. Over the past 10 days(excluding the 1 day that I got into a rut - outlier that hopefully won't happen in the future), my average pure hustle time has been ~16 pomodoros per day. If we're generous, we can say that's 8 hours per day, which is 56 hours per week. For a person with average ambitions, this would be excellent, however, mine are not average at all though. I don't want to be Elon Musk or own the new york jets, but I do want to build a passive income machine, be financially independent, have major positive impact on the society, find a fantastic girlfriend, be in reasonable shape and fulfill my creative needs. From what I've seen, heard and experienced, this will require more improvement. I don't want to crash, but I will push myself a bit more every day, until I reach the required, as well as desired, work ethic.

Therefore, my goal for the next two months is to reach these 3 points:

  • Gym 3x per week
  • 80 hours of hustle per week = 23 pomodoros per day
  • Intermittent fasting every day

The goal is considered reached if I do this over a period of at least 10 days. 

1 week = 168 hours
Work = 80
Sleep = 7x7 = 49
Commute = 7
Chores/shopping = 5
Journaling = 5
Gym = 3x2 = 6
Social = 2x5 = 10
Random(getting ready/showers/etc.) = 6

 

This means I have to completely get rid of all procrastination. Because this is a transition period, I will count a CONSCIOUS REWARD as 'work' and add up the pomodoros. The conscious reward is, for example, playing the piano or making music for an hour after finishing 21 pomodoros. It's a reward for productivity, not an excuse for laziness. All of this should be doable as long as I stay consistent with my sleep and don't relapse. When I achieve this goal, I will cut down sleep from 7 to 6 as well. Other factors for success are of course focus, decision-making(wisdom), creativity and intelligence, but I think I'm doing good on those fronts 😄

 

Edited by JustTom
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Full Detox Day 13/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 2 + exam + gym + social

Full Detox Day 14/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

Full Detox Day 15/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

Day 13 was the exam day, went to the gym afterward and drank a bit in the evening with classmates. I caught a bit of a cold though and didn't set any goals for the weekend, neither a solid determination to get up in the morning and crush it, so I overslept massively on the weekend days and just binge-watched all 3 seasons of rick and morty. I said last time that I will reward myself with social activities instead of sleeping around and watching videos(or worse, gaming), but this was not a conscious decision. I just followed the pattern of oversleeping, then using excuses to stay home and consume content(and chips). I'm kind of regretting that I don't have a computer mouse right now, since I did want to make some music, but it's pain without it. Goddamnit why did I have to get sick at such a vulnerable time?? And I also got flat tire on top of that, to make an already difficult mental task even more difficult. Whenever I get a chance to actually enjoy life instead of 'working', I waste it. This is why I can't ever be happy

hidethepainharold.jpg

 

EDIT: Although I don't feel nearly as bad as I had other times that I did this kind of thing. Maybe it's because I didn't relapse or maybe because I legit had no deadlines or responsibilities to other people. But a waste of life is a waste of life. I'll come back tomorrow by having my bike repaired in the morning and going to the uni to work my way up to those 20pomodoros a day!

************************************************************************************

On 10/27/2018 at 6:35 AM, Deku said:

Love your latest few posts, but goddam, who would want to own the New York Jets? 😂

@Deku This guy!

Edited by JustTom

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Hey Tom,

Getting sick happens and it always happens at critical junctures due to stress.  Don't beat yourself up with the sickness and lack of achieving your goals.  I often do this where I didn't learn how to draw on a software to make my cartoon better, join meetup groups to socialize, go to the gym, read, write, perform stand up comedy, or record my podcast.  I kind of just implode and view myself as a failure.  

We can do better than this and continue to do things one step at a time.  I'm gonna start planning my weeks out more now that I'm part of some larger social circles and have a few hobby initiatives to try.  Making music sounds great.  What do you enjoy making?

Also, what's a pomodoro? lol

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12 minutes ago, Matt S said:

Hey Tom,

Getting sick happens and it always happens at critical junctures due to stress.  Don't beat yourself up with the sickness and lack of achieving your goals.  I often do this where I didn't learn how to draw on a software to make my cartoon better, join meetup groups to socialize, go to the gym, read, write, perform stand up comedy, or record my podcast.  I kind of just implode and view myself as a failure.  

We can do better than this and continue to do things one step at a time.  I'm gonna start planning my weeks out more now that I'm part of some larger social circles and have a few hobby initiatives to try.  Making music sounds great.  What do you enjoy making?

Also, what's a pomodoro? lol

I usually beat myself up pretty hard after multiple consecutive "0 days" yeah. I dunno. I'll come back tomorrow, I promise! 

I just dabble in whatever genre I feel like. In high school, I dreamed of studying music production and making music professionally. Honestly, that dream never went away haha. I have the talent and the passion for it, I just never committed because "it doesn't make money" and it's an uncertain path. I didn't get to that dream uni in the end, so I just went on to study IT instead. A nice, prepared and well-known path for "success". If I could go back in time, I would take a year off after highschool to produce music, apply next year to the same programme and live my dream life. OH WELL, immarite?

Uhh.. back to the question - I like merging genres. So the standard and popular combo is orchestra and metal, which makes sense on musical as well as sound engineering level. But then you have weird shit that I can't do, but love listening to like jazz/rap, folk/metal, jazz/heavy electro, swing/metal, things you can't even put into categories, and so on. I listen to so much strange music it weirds people out. But that's what I love most. 

Pomodoro is basically a 30-minute block of productivity. Just another one of those mental tricks. This one works for me nicely though. 

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I hear you.  I share the same dream disappointment as you do.  I love comedy and making people laugh.  I can make anyone laugh and really want to try doing comedy, but I am so afraid of going up on stage.  I really want to do it and just keep making excuses.  We should work to just get over these fears of ours and doing things to eventually get us to work on these dreams of ours.  I think we'd love life more than we could imagine.  I am tired of having fear hold me back from living my dreams.

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20 hours ago, Matt S said:

I hear you.  I share the same dream disappointment as you do.  I love comedy and making people laugh.  I can make anyone laugh and really want to try doing comedy, but I am so afraid of going up on stage.  I really want to do it and just keep making excuses.  We should work to just get over these fears of ours and doing things to eventually get us to work on these dreams of ours.  I think we'd love life more than we could imagine.  I am tired of having fear hold me back from living my dreams.

Absolutely! The problem is, I'm kinda stuck at this university for one more year. And after that I have to start making money. Although I am constantly thinking of just getting a part time job and use the rest of the time to do what I love, but even then it's probably going to have to be business, and not music. Maybe if I'm able to get my work ethic up to 80 hours per week, I'll be able to do somehow squeeze it all in. I dont know, life is hard 😄

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Full Detox Day 16/90

An okay chill day. Still sick so I didn't push hard, but I did a bunch of random tasks like fixing the bike, replying to some e-mails, scheduling some appointments etc. Period 2 with my (hopefully) last two courses starts tomorrow. I was super excited before because I should have had 1 AI and 1 business course, except a bit easier than period 1. However, I was forced to take two AI courses instead so my dreams of any spare time whatsoever until christmas have vanished once again. 

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