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JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

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Day 66/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 21

Assignment submitted. I only didn't manage 1 small part worth 4/100 points. Though I skipped working on the other course on monday, so tomorrow class is gonna be interesting. I'm dead tired so I can't even be arsed to cry about the fact that the second AI assignment is due in 12 days and it's supposed to be harder than the first one lmao.

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Day 0

*sigh*

I really didn't think this would happen again. I was fully confident that I would finish the 90 days and maybe play after that. After I submitted the assignment, I still didn't feel good because I was unable to control my sleeping habits throughout and so it took 100% of my time, leaving nothing for anything else plus I also had to ask a friend for help(not just asking questions, but showing me the code etc.). I fell into an old trap of wanting to reward myself. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know how I could have thought I would only play for a few hours. It's never that way. Everybody knows that. I ended up playing 16 hours a day in the last 4 days, staying up until 5-6, sleeping through the day only to wake up depressed and play again. Today is not much different, except that I'm trying to break out more by writing here. I also did a small step and threw out most of the trash that accumulated in my room. It's 7:30am, although I stopped playing at around 4:30, I've just been watching youtube instead. I'm going to sleep now and try to show up at the uni tomorrow. The deadline for the second AI assignment, as well as the report for the other course are in 1 week and I haven't even started. I'm afraid it's over. I will still try, but if I'm realistic, it's too late.

All there's left to do is to get better mentally and just.. get back on track eventually. I would really really really like to be a capable human. I don't even care about being rich or having the perfect wife or amazing friends or traveling the world or creating something worthwhile or whatever. I just want to have some nice days. Some nice days where I don't get up from my bed at 14:00 only to ruminate about how everybody thinks I'm lazy on the commute, and then try to catch up on whatever I'm behind until it's midnight, then promise myself tomorrow will be different and repeat the failure again. I keep failing again and again, I don't want to anymore...

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I promise you that it's not too late yet, but you have to take action right now. Not tomorrow, not in the next hour, not even in the next minute. Right NOW. Get your act together, go to the library with your computer, earbuds, and energy drink of choice, and get your homework done. Get it done even if you have to live in the library every day, camp outside your professor's office to get your questions answered, or beg on your knees for an extension. However bad gaming is, giving up on your education is a million times worse. You are creating so many problems for your life, and throwing yourself onto a slippery slope that could set your life back by years. 

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Crap man, I thought you were going to make the 90 this time around. I'm sorry about that. I had a bad feeling when you stopped posting for a few days.

What happened to keeping your laptop on campus? That sounds like a good solution to get you back into the detox.

13 hours ago, JustTom said:

I keep failing again and again, I don't want to anymore...

Yeah, I hear ya. Just relapsed again myself. If it's of help, learning how to fail and just get back up and do it again seems to a crucial part of this whole process. I've definitely gotten less emotional about failure as I continued to fail over the years... and I've been doing it for 10+ years. 

On the plus side, you went nearly 70 days into your detox this time. That's a whole month more than last time. Just work on minimizing your relapse length and getting back in the saddle.

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Day 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

Just updating for yesterday: repeated the same pattern and kept gaming, even though depression receded and I felt better. I still ended up gaming the whole night, but at the end I uninstalled, blocked websites again and committed to the detox again. This time though, it will include all gaming content as well. Gaming videos or willingly checking out news counts as a relapse. The whole reason why I started having cravings in the first place was that I was excited about new games that are about to come out after the detox is done, including an expansion for the game I relapsed on. Furthermore, I decided I want to quit games forever. My resolve is not super strong right now, but that's because I'm still not in a good state.

The why: I don't want to expend my energy thinking about future games after the detox, fuck that shit. It's not worth it. I know some of them are short, or artistic, or really just high quality and I do value games as an artform, but the reality is that I'm an addict and there is no possible future where I am playing games in a healthy way. It's just not gonna happen for me and I have to stop lying to myself. It's just like alcohol addiction. I love alcohol! I have a very healthy relationship with it and it provides me great experiences, but if somebody's addicted, there is no way in hell they should have a single beer in their life anymore. The risk of slipping back into addiction is too great for some meaningless fun. Just stop. It was nice, but now it's time to move on. I need stop hanging on to the gaming world and especially e-sports - I won't watch GSL anymore. It's taking away hours every week AND creating cravings. Not worth it. I'm done.

The how: This journal, obviously. In addition, I will do daily positive affirmations for ~5 minutes or however long I feel like(at least 1). I feel like I should write up a  complex strategy again, but I think I should just be vigilant and keep trying harder. 

Today(day 1) I had a dentist appointment and because I overslept 50 minutes, I missed it and will have to pay late cancelation fee. Which is embarrassing, but I still left my room and went to the uni, so that is fantastic. The assignment is fucked, but at least I chatted up another fun girl today at the coffee machine and set up a date on wednesday. I'll decide if I want to flake her later lol. 

*************************************************************************************

16 hours ago, karabas said:

On the plus side, you went nearly 70 days into your detox this time. That's a whole month more than last time. Just work on minimizing your relapse length and getting back in the saddle.

Thank you! Yes, that is definitely the plus side of things. Cam mentions two numbers - the number of days without gaming and days it takes to bounce back from a relapse. 64 for the former, 5 for the latter. Not bad actually, so I'm grateful for that. I'm back on track now!

On 9/23/2018 at 9:05 AM, Deku said:

I promise you that it's not too late yet, but you have to take action right now. Not tomorrow, not in the next hour, not even in the next minute. Right NOW. Get your act together, go to the library with your computer, earbuds, and energy drink of choice, and get your homework done. Get it done even if you have to live in the library every day, camp outside your professor's office to get your questions answered, or beg on your knees for an extension. However bad gaming is, giving up on your education is a million times worse. You are creating so many problems for your life, and throwing yourself onto a slippery slope that could set your life back by years. 

I gamed for 1 more day, I'm sorry ? Today I'm fully back, although after only 2 hours of sleep. I will do everything I can to still submit the 2nd assignment, even if for just a couple points. This one is fucked, but maybe I can still pass the course. However, if I don't it's not the end of my education, don't worry ? It just means I will have to take a 6-credit AI course during the master thesis period, which is in fact quite common to have one(two is too many). Luckily, this course is going to repeat in february, so even if I fail now, I will have at least worked on all the assignments and studied for the exam, so I would be mega prepared haha. Thanks a lot for the support, really appreciate it!

On 9/21/2018 at 11:47 AM, Philipp said:

One Assignment at a time - you got this ?

Just keep up the momentum you built with the last one ?

 

Yeah so umm.. this is awkward ? The momentum is gone, but hey. I'm building it up again haha

Edited by JustTom

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Don't beat yourself up about it - get back up. I still believe in you, no matter how often you fail. As long as you have the will to get back on track there's a little bit of momentum left.

? Here's a little tailwind (omg I sooo hope google translate is right and that's "Rückenwind" in English) to get you started ?️?️

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Day 1/90 | Overslept: A little bit | Pomodoros: a bunch

I had a dentist appointment and because I overslept 50 minutes, I missed it and will have to pay late cancelation fee. Which is embarrassing, but I still left my room and went to the uni, so that is fantastic. The assignment is fucked, but at least I chatted up another fun girl today at the coffee machine and set up a date on wednesday. I'll decide if I want to flake her later lol.  

I was unbelievably tired after sleeping only 2 hours, but somehow I got through the day, didn't game or consume any gaming content, then I got home and just went to bed early. All of tomorrow will be dedicated to working on AI, so we'll see if it's hopeless or not. And if I can get up in the morning. I'm also not sure how to do my affirmations since I have flatmates and there's no way I'm shouting out my crazy self-manipulation lines.

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Day 2/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 11

"Morning" update: since I was severely sleep deprived, I chose to sleep from 23:00 to 8:00, I got up without a problem, felt totally fresh, made breakfast and coffee, started watching youtube in my bed and after about an hour or two, I fell asleep. I slept until 18:00, slightly waking up throughout just to restart the video I've slept through only to fall asleep seconds after. 

Then I had a call with my mom and she made a good point: I just like watching videos and sleeping more than I like whatever I'm doing in real life. This might be true, although I think it's more that I'm scared to start the day, so I tell myself that I can chill for some time before starting it, to ease the pressure. I get anxiety when I have to make the decision to leave home and start working/studying. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to keep my laptop and phone away from my room and just use the digital alarm. I must stop repeating this pattern, otherwise I will never be happy. On my way to the uni now, to finally start doing the assignment. 

Evening update: Worked at the uni, looks like I am indeed pretty screwed but whatever, it is what it is. I also set up a system with my dad to help me get up and leave the house in the morning. It's kind of the last solution that I can think of, but I have high hopes for this strategy.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 3/90 | Overslept: No ? | Pomodoros: 25

Looks like my new system for assuring that I leave the house in the morning might just be working. Had a productive day despite only sleeping 4.5 hours, even got that PHAT 25. Also chatted up a random girl while eating lunch again. Didn't exchange contacts because I had greasy fingers from pizza and didn't feel like taking out my phone.. hm, shame, but still very enjoyable. As long as I have SOME interaction, for now, I'm happy. The other girl that I thought would actually meetup today flaked me HA! Said she overslept and only went to the afternoon class, which was during a time we should have met. Meh, next. 

Haven't touched any game-related media at all and also progressed with the 2nd assignment with the help of my genius friends. ...Winnable?

Edited by JustTom
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Glad you are back on the train after the relapse! Don't be so hard on yourself intelligence wise, learning all the stuff isn't easy. AI and really any major isn't easy to complete. You have to really grind at the work and read up on things to figure things out. You really need to fix your sleeping schedule as I believe its one of the most important things to in order to be be more productive.  Keep the phone away from your bed at night and in the morning it'll force you to get out of bed more.

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Day 4/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 25

Alright we back in the game bois. Another PHAT 25. And didn't oversleep. The helping technique is only as effective, as my will is, so I need to stay vigilant and focus on repeating the same good pattern every morning until it becomes automatic/subconscious. If I start the day right, I can be a totally different person, so this is a complete game changer in my life. It's not quite the end of the day, but I'm taking a productive break by writing here ? 

I've made good progress with the assignment again. I now think, with some more help, it's winnable. 

I would like to write more but to be honest I've literally been programming neural networks for 12 hours so there's not much going on except high productivity. Oh yeah, the girl that flaked me is still replying, so maybe I'll try to set up another meet next week, because why not.

************************************************

@MikeRuns Thanks! It sure isn't easy, but the main problem is that both my passions and my talents are elsewhere. I'm kind of just finishing the degree out of pressure from my social circle and complacency.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 4/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 18

Morning update: Rocky start. Bunch of things happened that made the night's sleep very bad, so I took 90 minutes in the morning to get ready and leave. Then I got disappointing news that I won't be able to move to a better place that I was waiting for and then I opened up the math exercise of the assignment, which once again makes me wonder wtf I'm doing at this university. I also had a 5-minute life talk with a friend/classmate and she said this 1 thing that depressed the hell out of me. Something in the sense that "Hell, I'm 22 and I haven't enjoyed life at all yet, it's just studying and focusing all the time"... Yeah... and I'm 24.

Evening update: Had a hard time focusing. Still pushed through resistance and got a little bit done, but not nearly as much as I could. Very weak focus. Though the good thing is that I've been able to work very hard the last 3 days, so as long as I do another  ~40 pomodoros on saturday and sunday, I might just submit the assignment in a good state.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 0/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 6

Relapsed on gaming vids - there's a GSL tournament so I watched most of the games, heh. Tomorrow is the final day, so that should be the end of it for some time. 

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Day 0/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 16

Was having a hard time focusing, but towards the end of the day, I did get into the zone and got some work done on the assignment. Because I slacked off a bit during the last 3 days, I have to use all of monday for it as well and skip business lectures again. Oh well. But at least I was able to do it in the end.

Day counter stays at 0 because of videos. 

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Day 0/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 17

Assignment 2 submitted! Only 1 to go! I honestly can't believe I managed to do it(all exercises), considering I wasted FIVE days gaming in the beginning. It was perhaps a bit easier than the first one, but still, I worked extra hard during a few days. Going home to chill out and willingly procrastinate for the evening ?

Edited by JustTom

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Day 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

Once again, the "Day after submission" got me. I felt like taking a break, so I did. The problem is that since I declared that gaming and gaming videos counts as the same, I still had the counter at 0 so you know what I did? I started playing Poker LOL! Not real money, just chips, but still wtf. It has a completely different feeling than regular games to me though. Anyways, I wouldn't mind taking a day off, but the problem is that I stayed up waaaay too late. Hence the morning update for today:

Day 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: ??

Because I stayed up until 6am, I overslept despite my dad trying to rescue me so I missed the class AND the team meeting. Then I got to the uni and started working but man does my team hate me now! A bit of an overreaction though since we have like 20 days until the deadline but still deserved. 

- Evening update to come...

Edited by JustTom

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Aw man. yeah, this is the tricky part about doing a gaming+videos detox together... that counter might stay at 0 for a long time and it makes you feel less bad about gaming. be careful ?

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On 10/8/2018 at 1:11 PM, karabas said:

Hey man, it's been a few days. You alright? Post an update please, even if it's not good news.

I am quite predictable, if I don't post here for 3+ days, It's very likely I'm gaming again. I don't know why I keep repeating the same pattern of giving up, then fighting back, working hard, relaxing after the deadline and giving up again. Like an endless nightmare.

I uninstalled XCOM again, deleted the week-old travian account and got my ass to the uni again after gaming for 2 more days. Hopefully, I can come back successfully and maybe even pass both courses. I would say that I'm fucked now, but after I managed to make it the last time, I have some hope for this situation. 

I really want to change guys. I still have sooo much potential it's crazy. If I could just stop killing my brain off for a week every two weeks that would be great.

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2 hours ago, JustTom said:

I am quite predictable, if I don't post here for 3+ days, It's very likely I'm gaming again. I don't know why I keep repeating the same pattern of giving up, then fighting back, working hard, relaxing after the deadline and giving up again. Like an endless nightmare.

I uninstalled XCOM again, deleted the week-old travian account and got my ass to the uni again after gaming for 2 more days. Hopefully, I can come back successfully and maybe even pass both courses. I would say that I'm fucked now, but after I managed to make it the last time, I have some hope for this situation. 

I really want to change guys. I still have sooo much potential it's crazy. If I could just stop killing my brain off for a week every two weeks that would be great.

Ugh I hate travian... it starts off with a bit of playing here and there but once you really get started, suddenly you're spending hours upon hours on that thing.

Do you think trying to do the video detox at the same time was a bit demoralizing for you? I know I'm more likely to relapse if my detox counter isn't high. Maybe try detoxing from games and game videos only, not all video material at first?

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48 minutes ago, karabas said:

Maybe try detoxing from games and game videos only, not all video material at first?

Yeah that was it. It was games + gaming content. I could watch non-gaming videos. Still failed. And yes, I am definitely going to split them up into two, I didn't like it this way.

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5 hours ago, JustTom said:

I am quite predictable, if I don't post here for 3+ days, It's very likely I'm gaming again. I don't know why I keep repeating the same pattern of giving up, then fighting back, working hard, relaxing after the deadline and giving up again. Like an endless nightmare.

I uninstalled XCOM again, deleted the week-old travian account and got my ass to the uni again after gaming for 2 more days. Hopefully, I can come back successfully and maybe even pass both courses. I would say that I'm fucked now, but after I managed to make it the last time, I have some hope for this situation. 

I really want to change guys. I still have sooo much potential it's crazy. If I could just stop killing my brain off for a week every two weeks that would be great.

I think you need to recognise that you are trying, even when you relapse you are still coming back and that's really good to see, I get the pattern is furstrating but you are keeping up the good fight and I hope you recognise this.

Stay with us , I;m glad you have come back and havn't given up.

Like Karabas says I think when your day counter is low you are more likely to relapse so maybe split out the games from the videos for now.

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