JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

[JustTom 656]

Day 53/90 | Content Consumption Detox: 6/90 | Pomodoros: 14

Deleted a rant here. Didn't like the attitude. 

Edited September 7, 2018 by JustTom

[karabas 397]

I don't think it's the sex, to be honest. It's more a relationship with the opposite gender. Women give men something that other men can't, and not just physically.

I'm Muslim and I didn't really date - just picked a good girl and we got married and been with her for 6+ years without regrets, but it's the companionship that's really helped me stay sane. It's the personal confidant you can go to and vent about life to and who's got your back and helps you pick yourself up when you're down in the dumps. Sex is more like food... it can be fun and even spicy, but it's just a carnal desire at the end of the day. And personally, I survived without it for years before marriage (I got married at 23), so I think part of your blaming stuff on lack of sex has more to do with the fact that you're feeling self-conscious about it. Personally, this whole "what year did I lose my virginity at" thing seems better left for high schoolers. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter?

Anyway, enough philosophizing lol.

In terms of your major: if you really feel like the business major would be more beneficial long-term for your career (which is really why you're in university to begin with), then consider the change. But be realistic about it. A lot of business school is total BS. And a lot of the work being done by business grads is going to be taken over by AI in the next several decades... probably coded by those lame computer guys you're currently studying with lol.

In terms of career prospects, AI is probably the only field which you don't need to worry about for the next foreseeable future. Everything else is waiting to be taken over by AI, it's just a question of whether that's going to happen in this decade or the next few. And man, AI has some hot jobs right now. If I was in school right now, I'd totally go for AI with a physics focus and apply for SpaceX on graduation. And don't tell me a SpaceX AI engineer ain't sexy. (I know, non-US folks aren't allowed to apply... bummer)

Personally, I'm not relying to be a marketer forever. God knows a lot of the stuff people in my field used to do a decade or two ago is already being automated. I'm not counting on this job being there all the way until retirement.

Anyway, the point is: think a couple of decades out when you're considering this, not about the immediate. Are you really better off with a business degree in the long-term? How many successful businessmen even have business degrees?

And there's also the pride element: how are you going to feel about dropping out just because s**t got hard? And on the other hand, how would you feel if you put in the hard work and got this math and other crap down and graduated despite the difficulty? I doubt business school is going to give you the same feeling of accomplishment.

I don't actually know what's best for you, but I'm just trying to argue the other point since you seem to be going in the other direction, just for balance ?

[JustTom 656]

Thanks. I'm just mad right now and that's a state in which I never make decisions so no worries. In regards to the first thing - yeah I diminished it to sex, but I really meant companionship. 

I might be a below average AI student, but this is still from a sample of extremely smart people and from my knowledge of the state of the art I can tell you this concept of AI taking over all jobs is over-hyped in the media. Certain jobs will indeed disappear, but it will take years and years. Taxi and accounting come to mind first, but even then, companies will still want a human accountant because precision and efficiency is not all there is, and sometimes you might not even want it at all(companies wanting to evade taxes and such). In marketing - some channels disappeared, some got automatized and jobs were lost, but then new opportunities came up, such as social media marketing. And sure it is also automatized, but near-future AI still cannot compare with a human when it comes to creativity and entrepreneurship. There is a possibility that we create a general artificial intelligence in the future, which would mean all jobs disappear immediately and the humanity either goes into extinction, a utopia, or a dystopia, but at that point, nothing really matters.

I just want more free time to pursue my own ideas and human connection, rather than being forced to be a robot, do toy assignments that I have to beg classmates to help me with, then get some arbitrary points for and then it's thrown away into the trash bin.

[karabas 397]

Fair enough on the AI... although if you're looking 30-40 years out (at which point we might still be too young for retirement), AI sure as hell sounds more secure than pretty much any other job.

And is university really a place to pursue ideas & human connection? The latter is secondary anyway. The former... I know you want to start your own business and be an entrepreneur, but is business school really good for that? It's definitely not over in the US and most entrepreneurs aren't business school grads. Business school is more for stuff like crunching numbers in hedge funds and calculating investment risks for some bank or fund or other.

Plus, a solid career is a good fall-back option. It's why I do marketing. I've got some entrepreneurial projects in the works, but I know I can fail at them because I've got a back up. And risk-taking is crucial to success for new businesses.

The difficulty will pass. You'll catch up over time. Heck, you're a smart guy, you might be the one people are going to for help by the end of it.

Anywhoo, I think I've overextended my role here on this forum lol. Just playing devil's advocate to help you reason through it. I'll shut up now.

[JustTom 656]

Day 54/90 | Content Consumption Detox: 7/90 | Pomodoros: 13 

Overslept until 4pm - most of the day gone. Then I got to the uni, started working, said goodbye to my social life and happiness for two months and embraced the misery for at least 2 months. I was going to write up another rant here, but I'll pass this time. 

Reason for oversleeping: very bad evening routine - watched the GSL for 2 hours, then I complained and cried about my life, which put me in a bad state, stayed up way too long, didn't prepare water for the morning, kept my phone in bed and even had a video playing while I was falling asleep so I did EVERYTHING wrong. Tomorrow I have class in the morning, so an extra push to get up, but either way, I will set up everything for success. 

Lucid Dreaming Report

Had another short lucid dream! Solid control, but the environment was very unstable since I didn't even do a reality check, I just realized I'm dreaming out of the blue. Next time I'll make sure to do a reality check and observe my surroundings before influencing things, which will hopefully make it longer and more stable.

*************************************************************************

Thank you, @karabas , you're not overextending, don't worry. I'm the one that needs to shut up, stop crying and focus on what's important. If I sacrifice these 2 months just to do school literally 24/7, I will have more freedom, maybe even in november&december. If I slack off and fail, I will have to most likely repeat it anyways, there's just no way around it and I still want to finish the degree so I won't complain anymore. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by JustTom

[karabas 397]

31 minutes ago, JustTom said:

I'm the one that needs to shut up, stop crying and focus on what's important

Nah man, rants are good... at least on here. I don't complain about myself and my addiction to anyone else, but I let it loose on here because it's therapeutic. Also a good milestone to go back and reflect on where you were then and where you are now. Sometimes you forget how far you've come.

We're all just going through this life, figuring it out as we go ? 

Hope tomorrow works out better than today! You've got this man.

Also, try to find happiness in the effort you're putting in. You're doing it for a reason, you have some goals you want to achieve. The process is miserable, but the result is worth it, so life's good ?

[JustTom 656]

Day 55/90 | Content Consumption Detox: 8/90 | Pomodoros: 22 

Got up on time, went to class and hustled all day until ~8pm. I could have pushed for at least 4 more, but I ate a bit too much in the evening, got tired, and got caught up finishing watching the Ali G show(not on youtube, I still had it downloaded ? ). I also progressed decently with the assignment. All in all a successful day. 

Because I'm not watching youtube or browsing reddit on my laptop and also try to not watch anything on my phone when I get back home in the evening, my interest or 'craving' has been going down steadily. I don't even remember most of the channels I used to watch almost on a daily basis anymore. I've lost interest in most of the TV shows I used to follow as well. I also find myself alt-tabbing less while working and in general, just being able to focus more. Since I've got no TV shows left on my laptop, I expect to push myself just a bit more to get to 30 pomodoros one day! Maybe even tomorrow! The second semi-final of GSL will be out, but I will make sure to not watch it in one go, but just watch until I'm done eating instead, and then go back to work. 

Serious challenge tomorrow: Getting up in the morning on saturday without having anything to attend to. I'm going to bed early and make all the mental preparations. If I can build an evening/morning habit, I will have pretty much fixed most of my problems. Let's go!

On 9/6/2018 at 8:35 PM, karabas said:

The process is miserable, but the result is worth it, so life's good ?

Yeah, sometimes I forget that it's supposed to be hard. That's the whole point. I usually do enjoy the process, but sometimes I forget to.

 

Edited September 7, 2018 by JustTom

[karabas 397]

1 hour ago, JustTom said:

I also find myself alt-tabbing less while working and in general, just being able to focus more

This is HUGE, man. Def a game changer in and of itself. Good going!

[JustTom 656]

Day 56/90 | NoSurf Detox: 0/90 | Pomodoros: 0

FAIL. I switched off all alarms and didn't even drink water. When mom called after 10, that woke me up fully, but after that, I watched the fucking GSL on my phone and after that some random dude's video, so I fell asleep again. Got up after 14 hours. I even had good evening preparation, shit. 

Went to the uni, there's nobody here, a total ghost town. I only blocked youtube for a few days, that time has run out now aaaaand I can't turn myself away from the media again. The detox is broken and I didn't do anything the whole day. This is very bad, but as long as I don't oversleep from now on, the assignment is still doable. I feel like if I fail just one more full day, I'm donezo. But not yet, the fight is on!

However, during the last week my willpower and habits when it comes to internet surfing have improved, therefore the new restarted content consumption detox will include my phone usage as well.

• No YouTube
• No Reddit
• No TV shows/movies/anime
• Only check this forum exactly once per day to write a post and replies. 

While eating, I will either talk to people around me, or just sit there in silence.

 

Edited September 8, 2018 by JustTom

[whydoyouloveme 21]

Sounds like a rough day man! Still, you went over a week without youtube or reddit, which is really good! I find that whenever I'm eating I go over to my computer and turn it on, and then I realize that I've blocked youtube. It's such a crazy habit that I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

Also, glad to see that you had another lucid dream, I definitely enjoy reading those reports! I have been trying to do regular RCs, but I keep forgetting and so I'm only doing them for like the first two hours of the day or so and then once I get working I just totally forget. Oh well, one step at a time I guess. 

Good luck on your assignment, I'm rooting for you!

[JustTom 656]

Day 57/90 | NoSurf Detox: 0/90 | Pomodoros: 0

Overslept, although "only" 3 hours, instead of the usual 4+. Then I went to the uni, nobody was there and I also forgot my wallet so I couldn't get food. So I decided to go back home, do the laundry, shop for groceries, cook and try to work from home. I didn't, but at least I got the chores done, so maybe I should give myself a few pomodoros, but none of them were serious hustle. I also overate like crazy and watched youtube the whole day. Stayed up late too. 

The bad: It has been 3 times in a row now that I have failed to get up in the morning, despite executing the evening mental preparations, which include no video, no browsing, going to bed early, shooting for 7 hours, preparing water, the dream journal, taking a shower and having a positive mindset. Although I ALMOST made the decision to not go back to sleep today, I still failed. This is a worrying trend and I don't know what to do other than keep trying. Now there is only one way to do the assignment - I asked a friend to help me out tomorrow.

The good: progress is not a straight line and because tomorrow I will be at the uni the whole day, the curve will go up once again. If this was the furthest I can fall at this point, that signals a big upwards trend! I am confident I can get solid mental momentum in the next 3 days due to classes in the morning, crush the morning on Thursday and successfully break through this week. If not... then I don't pass the assignment, drop the course and I have a free month to chase girls LOL just kidding.

NoSurf Detox:

• No YouTube
• No Reddit
• No TV shows/movies/anime
• Only check this forum exactly once per day to write a post and replies. 

*******************************************************************************************************

@whydoyouloveme: thanks! Eating is definitely the biggest trigger for binge watching, struggling with this very hard. WIth reality checks, the most important thing is to remember doing them every time it occurs that something is strange. It can be very mildly strange, but if you ever have a thought of "huh..", then do the reality check. This builds a habit of questioning the reality and eventually, you will go "huh.." in a dream, do a reality check, and fail. That's where the fun begins! ?

 

Edited September 10, 2018 by JustTom

[Deku 451]

7 hours ago, JustTom said:

The good: progress is not a straight line and because tomorrow I will be at the uni the whole day, the curve will go up once again. If this was the furthest I can fall at this point, that signals a big upwards trend! I am confident I can get solid mental momentum in the next 3 days due to classes in the morning, crush the morning on Thursday and successfully break through this week. If not... then I don't pass the assignment, drop the course and I have a free month to chase girls LOL just kidding.

 

Love the positive attitude man! You're absolutely right that progress is not a straight line, and that shitty days are going to come with the good ones. Good luck with your assignment, and don't you dare fail and drop your course. Get that shit done, even if it kills you!

Also, the fact you didn't hit up the internet even on an unproductive day is insane. On my bad days I'll watch anime until the cows come home, so mad respect for you there. Definitely keep that up!

[JustTom 656]

Day 58/90 | NoSurf Detox: 1/90 | Pomodoros: 16

Even though I was supposed to have a freebie wake up today, I went to sleep so incredibly late(almost 5am) that I didn't go to the dentist appointment and slept through the whole afternoon instead of hustling. Then I got my ass to the lecture and worked after that until 1am. IF ONLY I DIDN'T WASTE THE WHOLE WEEKEND! I could have had at least half of the assignment done by now and attend an epic networking+free beers event on Wednesday with no regrets or fear. Now I probably can't afford to go there, even despite massive help from a friend. Oh well. 

Also, I bought a digital alarm clock so that I can keep my laptop AND phone away in the morning. Might help a bit.

EDIT: actually watched a 10-minute video before bed, but it's not too bad.

NoSurf Detox:

• No YouTube
• No Reddit
• No TV shows/movies/anime

*******************************************************************************************************

17 hours ago, Deku said:

Also, the fact you didn't hit up the internet even on an unproductive day is insane. On my bad days I'll watch anime until the cows come home, so mad respect for you there. Definitely keep that up!

Oh no no, I wasted the whole day watching things. Hence the restarted NoSurf Detox haha. But today I did it:)

Edited September 11, 2018 by JustTom

[Deku 451]

Ay well congrats on getting it done today then! ? 

[JustTom 656]

Day 59/90 | NoSurf Detox: 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 10

Midday update: There are no freebie wakeups anymore. I've come to the mental point, where I'm capable of oversleeping through important things like classes or doctor appointments. So from now on, I will get full-length sleep and execute the evening routine every night. 

Night update: Aight I'm going to sleep super late again, BUT I purchased a digital alarm, so now I will have neither my laptop, neither my phone in the room in the morning. Gotta go to class, then hustle and then get full 8 hours tomorrow night. Can you do this Tom? Can you be a real human being capable of basic functions? Please? Just one time? Let's see.

NoSurf Detox:

• No YouTube
• No Reddit
• No TV shows/movies/anime
• The only allowed thing: stand-up comedy while I eat

Edited September 12, 2018 by JustTom

[JustTom 656]

 

Day 60/90 | NoSurf Detox: 1/90 | Overslept: No | Pomodoros: 20

Great, productive day, but I'm still behind. Tomorrow I got no class in the morning, so let's see if using the digital alarm instead of the phone helps. Most importantly, I need to make the DECISION to put on clothes, pack up and go, no hanging around! The next 4 days will decide the fate for these two months

Edited September 14, 2018 by JustTom

[JustTom 656]

 

Day 61/90 | NoSurf Detox: 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

I just couldn't get out of bed. Massive anxiety, ruminating thoughts, fear, disappointment, what have you. Spent the day watching youtube on the phone, alone in my dark room. 

I will ask my friend to help me with the assignment tomorrow again(if I can get up and get to the uni). I hate to desperately beg for help, but that's all I'm capable of doing, apparently. I have to finish it in just 4 days and I'm barely half-way in.I just keep giving up, every day. So far, this is looking like a complete failure. 

[karabas 397]

Ride it out man. You know this phase will pass, like all others before it. Just gotta minimize the time spent in it, that's all ?

I'm glad you're reaching out help. That's a tough one, but it's crucial.

[JustTom 656]

5 minutes ago, karabas said:

Ride it out man. You know this phase will pass, like all others before it. Just gotta minimize the time spent in it, that's all ?

I'm glad you're reaching out help. That's a tough one, but it's crucial.

Yeah the problem is that I need to not only pass the phase, but also pass the course ? anyways I don't seem to be making progress with oversleeping, I just go back to bed no matter what. 

[JustTom 656]

Day 62/90 | NoSurf Detox: 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 12

4 more days until the deadline, one of which I have to spend on the other course. It would be do-able if I was able to put in 10 hours per day at least, but I'm not even close soooooooo, it's looking bleak but hey, I'll do my best!

Today I concluded that my problem is not "waking up" at all. I often wake up quite refreshed. The problem is that I don't start moving and don't make the decision to go out. Even if just for a walk. Will try my hardest tomorrow. 

[JustTom 656]

Day 63/90 | Overslept: No! | Pomodoros: 12 + social

Mid-day update: I didn't oversleep! Despite going to sleep super late to work(and procrastinate)! Then I watched one ep of a TV series and started working. The dream is alive! ? 

Evening update: Nobody was going to the uni today, so I also stayed home and amazingly, managed to make good progress with the assignment on my own, with just small questions over text. There was quite a bit of procrastination, but considering I was home, it was not bad. I'm going to a small house party tonight even though I can't really afford it time-wise. The reason is that pretty much all my classmates are going there, so it's totally worth it even if just for the teambuilding. I will make sure to not get drunk and get home not too late. As long as I get up tomorrow and with a little bit of help, I might be able to finish the assignment by night-time. Then I'll spend monday working on the other course and tuesday is for final revisions and writing the report. This requires absolute focus and at least 12 hours of work on Sunday.

WINNABLE!

Edited September 15, 2018 by JustTom

[karabas 397]

Yes! ?

[Deku 451]

Any victory against the pillow is a big one in my book. Congrats!

[JustTom 656]

Day 64/90 | Gaming Content Detox: 0/25 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 0

Meh. Same situation as yesterday except I didn't start working, but overslept instead. I'm pulling out my trump card of skipping tomorrow's business classes and team project work to instead work on the AI assignment. Deadline is on Tuesday at 23:59. All is on the line now, if I can't mobilize in this scenario, then I never will. Also, because I spent the day watching youtube, reading reddit and feeling helpless, the cravings have returned. Good thing I have such unbelievably shitty internet in my room that it takes 10+ hours to download the game I wanted, otherwise I would have probably relapsed by now. Anyways...

WINNABLE!

******************************************

@Deku @karabas thanks my dudes, I will not disappoint tomorrow!

Edited September 17, 2018 by JustTom

[JustTom 656]

Day 65/90 | Gaming Content Detox: 0/25 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: 19

WINNABLE