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JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

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Full Detox Day 62/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomrodos: 20

Stats are looking good, but ehhhh. I procrastinated a lot and also couldn't focus properly due to some random drama of my classmates. Not the ones from AI course, the ones from the business course. The level of intelligence and maturity is as clear as a day hahah. Anyways.. I now have two days to study for the first exam, which is uncomfortably short, but still doable so... fingers crossed I get up tomorrow! Otherwise I'm buying my one-way ticket to absolutely-fucked-town!

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You got this man! Real close!

What's the plan for after exam time? Be careful, I feel like it's easy to relapse after a stressful period is over.

Also, aren't you over your previous detox record now? 🎉

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Full Detox Day 63/90 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 0

Full Detox Day 64/90 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 0

Absolute failure. I just couldn't start studying, at all. Made a mistake of taking my laptop home for the weekend, which gave me an excuse to stay home to "study" instead of going to the uni after oversleeping. I just watched youtube and day-dreamed the entire 2 days. Now I still have a few hours to study and maybe get a miraculous luck and pass the exam, but I'm in such depressive state that I don't even want to go to the exam. I want to quit it all, I hate it. I'm not going to, but I should have, a long time ago. I should have quit doing what I hate YEARS ago. But I didn't, because I wanted to conform to what my dogmatic environment was telling me I should be doing. But now I "only" have the thesis left, so I'm not gonna quit obviously. Mostly because I'm a pussy. I will kill 1 more year of my life and maybe then start actually doing something that I like. Maybe. 

ANYWAYYYSSSSSS. Nothing like a nice positive post on a sunday evening. The point is, the exam tomorrow is 100% failed, I have studied for like 30 minutes total, the resit is in february. I'll just try to prepare for the exam for wednesday, try to pass that one at least. 

The worst thing is that I can't control my sleep. AT ALL. It's worse than before. I always had my aide call me in the morning if I didn't start doing my morning routine and then I would do my push-ups, do the rest of the mini-tasks and then leave the house. For the last couple days/weeks, I couldn't even get through the morning using that. I will lie about everything and go to bed even after 30 push-ups. I'm completely detached from the gaming world, yet I feel the same depression and resistance creeping in, and I feel 100% out of control.

Sorry, @Deku and @karabas , I failed.

Fuck. 

Edited by JustTom

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It's OK man. You failed and you'll fail some more in the future, I'm sure. We all do.

You're not gaming and that's a huge win. You're over your previous streak and I think you've got it in you to finish the 90 and hopefully never go back to gaming at all.

If you remember from my journal, after I quit gaming, I still had days where I binge watched youtube, netflix, and God knows what else to the point where I wasted weeks away on this nonsense. But at least I wasn't gaming. And it seems like now I'm finally starting to win the battle against videos as well.

It's hard to see any progress at all in these moments, but it's there. Go finish the gaming detox, then attack the rest of the crap that's holding you back. One battle a time. Yes, there'll be setbacks and failures, but you'll win it in the long run.

As always, I do recommend allotting some time to spiritual questions, because I think in the long-term it's the best antidote to all of this and the best coping mechanism for failure.

But you've got this man. You've come a long way. You're not at the destination yet, but neither are you back to where you started. So key here is not to give up, not play games, and keep going!

From what I noticed from your journal, your worst lows are usually followed by your best highs, so just accelerate the getting out of the funk part 😄

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@karabas Thank you. I really can't figure out why I did this. Does this happen to normal people? That they just become a zombie for a few days? I wasn't even particularly stressed or anything. 

I still can't start studying, so what I'm going to do instead, is just meditate for 20 minutes and then contemplate. Have some silence. 

Edited by JustTom
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50 minutes ago, JustTom said:

I really can't figure out why I did this. Does this happen to normal people? That they just become a zombie for a few days? I wasn't even particularly stressed or anything. 

I don't know if I qualify as a normal person, but it happens to me, obviously 😄Although obviously it's good to reflect on why it happened. Sounds like you got the best of yourself by bringing your laptop home and it's still too much of a temptation.

52 minutes ago, JustTom said:

I still can't start studying, so what I'm going to do instead, is just meditate for 20 minutes and then contemplate. Have some silence. 

Nice!

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Mate, you ever wondered why not every person who wants to get for example rich get rich? Its simple. People are lazy af. We are thinking about our goals instead of working for them. Why? Its easy to figure out how nice it could be, instead of working for it. And thats the point where ppl make a difference to each other. Thats why some people get what they want, and some not. So dont think you are alone with your problem, when its clear that the majority of the humans are like this. But they simply lower their goals they want to achieve. But you are different. You dont lower your goals. Maybe you fail, but you will get up again!

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2 hours ago, JustTom said:

Does this happen to normal people? That they just become a zombie for a few days?

Not sure about you guys but when I was in college, I would do literally anything during the finals week instead of preparing for finals. It was almost like I was ruining my grades deliberately. The truth was that I couldn't accept a bad grade after working hard for it. Somehow it would hurt my pride. Subconsciously I chose not to study at all. Then a bad grade would be a result of not studying hard, instead of my incompetency. It was stupid, of course. 

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End of the day update at 5am in the night: I'm cutting my losses and going to bed. I'm not going to the exam at 9am. I tried to force myself to study, but I just wasn't able to. I'm setting up 7-8 hours of sleep and starting fresh tomorrow to study for the second one. I still have 1 more shot at it in february and since it's not a SUPER math heavy exam, I'm fairly confident I will be able to prepare without the help of classmates, it will just take away a couple of days unnecessarily. And also impose a lot of stress, but it is what it is.

3 hours ago, Samon said:

Mate, you ever wondered why not every person who wants to get for example rich get rich? Its simple. People are lazy af. We are thinking about our goals instead of working for them. Why? Its easy to figure out how nice it could be, instead of working for it. And thats the point where ppl make a difference to each other. Thats why some people get what they want, and some not. So dont think you are alone with your problem, when its clear that the majority of the humans are like this. But they simply lower their goals they want to achieve. But you are different. You dont lower your goals. Maybe you fail, but you will get up again!

That's pretty spot on and also pretty brutal to think that I'm just being one of the many unsuccessful ones. It's true that I'm not going to ever lower my goals so it's either succeed or live in a constant limbo of self-disappointment. I always identified with these two options. 

3 hours ago, Silverlining said:

 

Not sure about you guys but when I was in college, I would do literally anything during the finals week instead of preparing for finals. It was almost like I was ruining my grades deliberately. The truth was that I couldn't accept a bad grade after working hard for it. Somehow it would hurt my pride. Subconsciously I chose not to study at all. Then a bad grade would be a result of not studying hard, instead of my incompetency. It was stupid, of course. 

If I could just take a "bad grade", I would take it in a blink of an eye haha. Unfortunately, this is more of a pass/fail question, as is always the case in this field. Our courses go in 2-month long blocks. I worked very hard in november, so I booted up my social life, which made me completely drop my morning rituals and productivity in december and here I am. Really really sad and disappointed, but hey, I'm still a work in progress. As much as I would like to have discipline like Elon Musk, it just takes a long time to build it up. And even though I failed this exam, I will succeed at the second one for sure. 2019 will be a breakthrough year in many areas in my life I can feel it. I've got many things going so well in the long-term. 

Thank you all so much for the support. I will do my best in these last 3 days of school this year.

 

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10 hours ago, JustTom said:

End of the day update at 5am in the night: I'm cutting my losses and going to bed. I'm not going to the exam at 9am. I tried to force myself to study, but I just wasn't able to. I'm setting up 7-8 hours of sleep and starting fresh tomorrow to study for the second one. I still have 1 more shot at it in february and since it's not a SUPER math heavy exam, I'm fairly confident I will be able to prepare without the help of classmates, it will just take away a couple of days unnecessarily. And also impose a lot of stress, but it is what it is.

That's pretty spot on and also pretty brutal to think that I'm just being one of the many unsuccessful ones. It's true that I'm not going to ever lower my goals so it's either succeed or live in a constant limbo of self-disappointment. I always identified with these two options. 

If I could just take a "bad grade", I would take it in a blink of an eye haha. Unfortunately, this is more of a pass/fail question, as is always the case in this field. Our courses go in 2-month long blocks. I worked very hard in november, so I booted up my social life, which made me completely drop my morning rituals and productivity in december and here I am. Really really sad and disappointed, but hey, I'm still a work in progress. As much as I would like to have discipline like Elon Musk, it just takes a long time to build it up. And even though I failed this exam, I will succeed at the second one for sure. 2019 will be a breakthrough year in many areas in my life I can feel it. I've got many things going so well in the long-term. 

Thank you all so much for the support. I will do my best in these last 3 days of school this year.

 

That's the spirit! You have gone up the growth curve big time.

Getting sober with these finals and a sleeping problem is hard mode. I'm sorry that I never realized this but it could be more difficult for you to stay game free. But hey, you still did it. 

I would suggest focusing on building up a healthy daily routine in the next stage. Let your biological clock work for you. Enter the easy mode. 

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12 hours ago, JustTom said:

2019 will be a breakthrough year in many areas in my life I can feel it. I've got many things going so well in the long-term. 

There you go man. We started here around the same time and those are my thoughts about 2019, too. I think the overall progress is having a huge impact now, even if we still have off days.

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13 hours ago, JustTom said:

Just a quick update for now: studying for the last exam, trying to at least save that one. Will update the journal later.

Give your best mate, i wish you good luck!

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On 12/17/2018 at 1:04 AM, Silverlining said:

 

Not sure about you guys but when I was in college, I would do literally anything during the finals week instead of preparing for finals. It was almost like I was ruining my grades deliberately. The truth was that I couldn't accept a bad grade after working hard for it. Somehow it would hurt my pride. Subconsciously I chose not to study at all. Then a bad grade would be a result of not studying hard, instead of my incompetency. It was stupid, of course. 

I'm going through something very similar the last 3 or 4 years.

I hate studying but deep inside I know that If just learned for the exam I could have answered that question right...Every exam Is like that. 

It screws with you because deep inside you know what you have to do...

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1 hour ago, dirkj3 said:

I'm going through something very similar the last 3 or 4 years.

I hate studying but deep inside I know that If just learned for the exam I could have answered that question right...Every exam Is like that. 

It screws with you because deep inside you know what you have to do...

Why do you hate studying?

Do you hate learning new things, or do you hate the homework and exams?

Learning can be very enjoyable and satisfying. It should not be something that you have to do, but rather something that you desire to do.

Unfortunately a lot of students do not feel this way. I believe that I am on the right track now so that I can purely enjoy learning itself without too much pressure, but mostly because I am no longer in school, . I hope that you can feel the same way.

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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:

Why do you hate studying?

I think it is due to me being in the state of binge learning over the course of my school time especially during exams and  I resented this learning technique but it was the only thing I knew.

I have bought a book about different learning techniques but I never got into it to be honest..

In 8th grade I used to be different regarding learning but As gaming hot large I lost the desire to study for school.

Until I got into that thing that I dread getting back exams.

I feel like shit now all the things I have been good at in school like in 4th grade became dull.

 

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5 hours ago, Samon said:

School and university doesnt allow you to enjoy the learning. Because you are always under pressure(exams etc)

When I was in school I was dreadful of Real Analysis. I have been re-reading the textbook recently, and it turns out that I actually enjoy learning it, although at a very slow speed. Sometime I would spend hours on one proof. I guess school usually defines a slow student as a loser. That's very very sad.

10 hours ago, dirkj3 said:

I think it is due to me being in the state of binge learning over the course of my school time especially during exams and  I resented this learning technique but it was the only thing I knew.

I have bought a book about different learning techniques but I never got into it to be honest..

Well, start reading it. Learning techniques are not trivial.

Also I have recommended this several times, but the course "Learning How to Learn" on Coursera has been extremely helpful for my recovery.

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On 1/1/2019 at 9:34 PM, karabas said:

Yo @JustTom - it's been a long time! How's it going?

Ah well, good old holiday gaming. I'm flying back tomorrow so I'll open a new journal then. 

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3 hours ago, JustTom said:

Ah well, good old holiday gaming. I'm flying back tomorrow so I'll open a new journal then. 

We are looking forward to the new one. Everyone can fail, but its important to get back on track with the intention it will never happen again

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5 hours ago, JustTom said:

Ah well, good old holiday gaming. I'm flying back tomorrow so I'll open a new journal then. 

Aw man. 3rd journal's the charm?

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