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JustTom

JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

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Hey,

Have you thought about rewarding yourself with something that requires you to go out (something you REALLY LOVE doing) the day after a deadline - it seems that these relaxing days are the most likely ones for you to start playing. (Maybe something that makes you get home at a time where it's not too late at night but also late enough to not start anything like playing poker afterwards)

But still, like you said, you have the POTENTIAL. You just have to find YOUR way of exploiting it. ……… (I hope google translate is right 😕   )

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Just a real quick update: at the uni right now, working hard, trying to save this block's courses. Will update in the evening again or tomorrow and reply as well.

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Day 2/90 | Gaming Media 0/90 | Overslept: Yes | Pomodoros: a bunch

Afternoon update: haven't gamed yesterday and won't game today, so I'm chalking it up in advance. 

I have to say, except for two days that I got to the uni and worked a bit, the past ~10 days have been a nightmare. Even this morning, I felt like my mind is floating in space. I was the opposite of being present. Sooo much anxiety, depression. I wish I could say I was sad or angry or disappointed, but it wasn't even that. There is just no emotion. I'm sorry to you guys who follow my journal for being so negative, but it is what it is. It is now my intention to move on forever. The counter is still set to 90 days just to have some checkpoint or goal to strive towards, but really I'm aiming for indefinite. I crawled my way to the university today again, so I'm going to start working on the AI assignment to at least hopefuly get like 50% and have enough to show up for the exam. I am slowly re-claiming some of my self-esteem and will be back to full force in a few days. 

On 10/9/2018 at 10:32 PM, Peregrinator said:

I think you need to recognise that you are trying, even when you relapse you are still coming back and that's really good to see, I get the pattern is furstrating but you are keeping up the good fight and I hope you recognise this.

 Stay with us , I;m glad you have come back and havn't given up.

Like Karabas says I think when your day counter is low you are more likely to relapse so maybe split out the games from the videos for now.

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it! I used to always pride myself on being someone who never gives up because I try again after every failure. But in a sense, failing in the first place is giving up. Every time I relapse, every time I'm not able to control my impulses - whether it's gaming or videos, or sleeping, or whatever else - I am giving up and choosing to lose. It's just a different way of looking at giving up. I'm starting to think that I've been a hypocrite to myself all this time. But of course, this is just semantic gymnastics, so it doesn't actually matter. What matters is the improvement and trying the hardest we can. So that's what I'm doing, staying here and restarting the detox for the millionth time. 

On 10/9/2018 at 11:38 PM, Philipp said:

Hey,

Have you thought about rewarding yourself with something that requires you to go out (something you REALLY LOVE doing) the day after a deadline - it seems that these relaxing days are the most likely ones for you to start playing. (Maybe something that makes you get home at a time where it's not too late at night but also late enough to not start anything like playing poker afterwards)

 But still, like you said, you have the POTENTIAL. You just have to find YOUR way of exploiting it. ……… (I hope google translate is right 😕   )

100% correct. Cam talks about 3 activites we need to have ready at hand - engaging, social and resting. Right now, the engaging activity is university work and the gym. For social, I can go for a beer with folks almost any time and I also like to do cold approach, but this one has been taking a backseat for more than a year(perhaps not for the benefit of me). The resting activity I don't have figured out at all. In the past I said I would fiddle around in my music production software, but I left my mouse back home in order to reduce the chances of relapsing, which incidentally made it so I can't fiddle around in the music production software. So it's either get a mouse again or find something else for now. But I just don't know what could satisfy that space when I'm home late in the evening and want to just chill after being productive for 12+ hours, yet there is nothing social happening. Next time I'm done after a deadline, I'll do one of two things: go play the piano at the upper floors of our building till late night or just call around some people if it's not too late to have a drink. See where that takes me. I definitely don't want to start watching movies or some shit like last time. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 3/90 | Gaming Media 1/90 | Overslept: A Tiny Bit | Pomodoros: 18

Productive day at the uni. I technically went through more pomodoros, but I had such weak focus and so much procrastination, that I didn't count a few. This whole situation is just so furstrating. If I didn't relapse or if I didn't relapse for this long, I would have been on-schedule with school work. This way, I have to beg for help again, do as little work on the business course as possible and do absolutely nothing else but the AI assignment to meet the deadline. After that, I will have 3 days to prepare for the business exam and 3 days for the AI exam + do a presentation on a research paper. Fuckiiiiiiing YIKES. But I think it can be done. And on top of that, I am sooo looking forward to the mini-break and a fresh start on the last 2 courses. They should also be a bit easier so as long as I don't relapse again, I might even have some time for social life.

WINNABLE.

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Day 4/90 | Gaming Media Detox 2/90 | Overslept: A bit | Pomodoros: 20

I got my tempo back. Even though it took me some time to get to the uni, once I did, I had very strong focus. Started by coding so I got into the zone very fast and despite random external interruptions(fire alarm in the building t.t ), I was able to more or less keep it up throughout the day. Huge progress with the assignment was made. Thankfully, the implementation part was not very difficult, so I might be able to finish the whole thing in time. 

This was also the second day of intermittent fasting in a row, so I'm finally losing weight again, feels much better.

WINNABLE.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 5/90 | Gaming Media Detox 3/90 | Overslept: A tiny bit | Pomodoros: 22

Another productive day. I would just like to point out that these pomodoros are pure hustle time. I don't count lunch, dinner, commuting or talking to classmates/friends. So I'm happy that I'm able to work hard, since it's one of my core values. I was never able to honor this value when I was gaming. But when I'm following a strict system to get my shit together, I can be beastly productive. The gaming media absolutely has to be a part of the detox, it is now clear to me that it makes no sense without it. I will join the counters once I have at least two weeks worth of both.  

WINNABLE.

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Day 6/90 | Gaming Media Detox 4/90 | Overslept: NO! | Pomodoros: 18 + Gym

Another one. Managed to crank out 18 pomodoros AND go to the gym, despite having to spend hours in the morning to buy a new bike. I'm doing it! Deadlines are coming up, but I'll make it. 

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