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Phoenixking

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Day 76

Woke up at an okay time. There’s a couple of hours to go. I had to go represent my improv group at a culture festival. There’s all these groups that do theatre or entertainment or whatever. So it’s like an open air convention where people flyer like crazy. I wanted to be there fresh and fruity because I have something to prove. I’ve been out of the group for a year and I need to get back in their good graces to get some gigs and get back into freelancing properly. That ànd I would get to spend some time with my improv crush. She texted me, telling me she had gotten there early and was craving some coffee. Great way for me to start the day with a kind gesture!

We hung out, joked around and got a little flirty as we do. It was a fun time. Afterwards we parted ways because of different schedules.

I was texting with this random girl that wanted a second shot at a good impression. I was too nice to say no. She kept insulting my hair last weekend but also kissing me. Confused the hell out of me but afterwards I realized that I no longer have to do shit like that. If I don’t like it, I get to walk away and still feel happy. I no longer need anybody to help me feel good about myself! I ended up hanging out with her and stumbling into a wine tasting. Lucky me! Great wine. OMFG.

She was okay company. But amazing. But okay. I just didn’t feel any connection so I’ll probably let it die down naturally. There are more fun people out there and my time is valuable. I would have never ever looked at it like this before I quit games. But now I have all this confidence. It’s like I’m convinced of the fact that I deserve good things and should not settle for anything less than amazing.

I met up with some friends and went to see a free classical music show that floated on the water, went to a geeky themed bar to celebrate it’s birthday with free foreign booze and drank some Italian wine in a travel café. I had the most European night ever, I feel ?

All in all, it was a good day.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went into a favourite coffee bar of mine and it turns out they had a DJ spinning records that evening, and were organizing a free wine and rum tasting. Free drinks!

Body/health

I didn’t really eat all too much. I should be clearing out my fridge but I just didn’t make the time to cook.

Mind/soul

I feel like I’m more resilient and less inclined to throw myself at others to please them.

What progress did I make today?

I volunteered for my improv group. I cleaned my place properly and rearranged my furniture.

What went well today:

Being social. I dropped into a party where I didn’t really know anybody but I just went with it. It wasn’t amazing, but fun enough to last longer than expected.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Make more time to eat properly. And not hesitate to go out and buy something if I need it.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Mind what I eat and also when. I need fuel and should respect my body.

Goals:

Sleep well and mind my voice. Tomorrow is podcast day. Have a warm, clean and open welcome for my friends/podcast buddies. Have a great episode. Eat properly. 

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Day 77

So I had cleaned my place because today would be the first day I’d have guests over. I was ready. I picked up some donuts, put some coffee on and everything was set. We have a D&D-based podcast and it’s doing rather well. Our guest arrived we spent all day recording. We managed to get 3.5 episodes done! And we’re releasing episode 2 tomorrow. So exciting. We’ve had amazing responsed and this session was the best one yet. Omfg, it was so good. It had emotion, comedy and tension. True D&D. And the guests are really getting into it, so after a couple of episodes, we could be really on track to something amazing here! I was euphoric at the end and I still kind of am. I’m so grateful to be a part of something this crazy.

I also called my mom. I had decided to ask her not to come. If we can’t work out our differences, we are not going to behave well at my party. I’ll be stressed, I know myself. I put the bar rather high. I’ve only since recently learned to lower it and deal with it with more chill. But that’s a new skill of mine. I am prepping myself for being very sensitive and stressed out that day. I’ll probably be better off that that, but I’d rather deal with the worst case scenario. I have prepped for so many things going wrong. It HAS to be a great party with all of my prepping, right? ? (I can hear it, too, don’t worry. I’m doing it on purpose. I’ll be fine.)

So I felt like she didn’t deserve to see what an amazing and strong person I’ve become, she is not allowed to see and reap the fruits of my labor when she hasn’t been there for me. I felt like I respectfully communicated what and why and I added that I also understand this is me burning some type of bridge, no matter how polite my words are and no matter how justified my emotions are. So I suggested getting counseling for our family.

She didn’t respond very well. But at least I’m setting up my boundaries and guarding them. I’m staying true to myself and not even my mother will walk all over me. I am solid now. And I’m staying that way. I no longer sacrifice parts of myself to keep people pleased. I will not relent.

Speaking of staying true to myself… I’ve been thinking a lot about my behavior and how I deal with female attention. I used to be a complete man-whore/playboy. I used Tinder before I had breakfast ànd during my morning coffee. I juggled girls, texts, drinks and condoms like it was a second nature. I now see that I was compensating. Majorly. I was filling up the hole inside me with meaningless sex and flirting and was hurting some people in the process here and there. Myself included. I feel very, very strongly about not going back to that person I used to be. But I am a social and flirty person after all. So I still struggle with finding a balance between flirting and accidentally falling into old habits and just being my fun, happy, social, talkative and flirty self without judging myself for it too harshly.

Also, my improv crush happened to drop by later that night and we kissed!!!

She was on her way home from a gig and dropped by. I notice that lately we’ve been talking a lot and it’s like any excuse is good enough to hang out. The attention is nice and there’s totally some chemistry there. We can talk for hours. She showed me her pictures from her trip to Japan. We were getting a bit more comfortable and when she left it just kind of happened. But passionate or anything. But not a peck either. … I wonder what will happen now. She knows I want to be single. But she’s also in a very vulnerable place. She’s still struggling with the whole cancer thing that’s ravaged her body and her ex has somebody new already. I think I can make her feel better but I don’t want to step on her feelings. There’s going to be 4 cute, single girls at my party Saturday. It’s either going to be completely amazing, or I just created a perfect storm.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The kiss. I have waited years for this.

Body/health

I was kind of under the weather. I didn’t eat enough. When I was about to start cooking, the crush suddenly showed up.

Mind/soul

I’m not sure if I’m taking my feelings seriously and being introspective, or if I’m just being my normal dramatic, overthinking self. It’s sometimes really confusing to be me ?

What progress did I make today?

An amaaaaazing podcast episode. Clean, proper place where I can have guests over. Great social media management done today. And after years or wanting her, I kissed my improv crush.

What went well today:

The podcast episode. It was amazing. We were on fire. I’m so proud of our content!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Make more time to eat properly. Maybe I should meal prep or something.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I’ll have more rhythm again so food and drinking water will be okay again. I clearly require structure to function.

Goals:

Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Go pick up the car from the mechanic. Plan the next days properly because I’ll need good planning to survive the prepping of my party. This is going to be an interstellar week!

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Day 78

Today was productive. I had skipped 2 diary entries because of lack of time. I wasn't going to sacrifice any sleep for it! But I managed to catch up. And we released our podcast today, episode 2 is online! Yay!

I spent the better part of my day texting the improv crush and prepping for my birthday. I had made a list of decorations, shit I had to keep up with or buy, ingredients for my cakes or the chili dogs or possible appetizers, how much booze and beer to buy... A long and complicated task. But I narrowed it down rather precisely.

After work, I immediately set out to go shopping. I bought party and mood lights, napkins, cups, ... I even bought a huge plastic square container to fill up with ice and to put outside. Since the fridge will be full of the food and cakes, there's a logistical issue ? 

When I came home, I spent some time talking to my sister. She's convinced me she'll be here and I can depend on her. We went over the list extensively and then I started unpacking the decorations and cooking. I got tired quickly. I didn't even eat that quickly. I just kept going. It felt good to make progress. There is still so much to do! I'm happy and proud that there's progress.

I ended up watching Bojack Horseman and texting the improv crush and my Krav Maga crush. ... (I should really start coming up with names or something).

I was sad. The BH episode was about the funeral of his mother. It didn't hit me until halfway. He mentioned something about secretly hanging on to a chance that he and his mother would get along somehow, at some point. And even though he was used to how things were, cold and taunting and hurtful, that secret wish was still there. I realized that's inside of me too. And it just hit me hard.

I told the improv crush about it. It flowered into a nice and soothing conversation. It's not bad to be sad, though. It was just nice to be able to share it with her.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The episode of him talking at his mother's funeral. It hit home majorly. It's beautiful how something can do that to your soul in 20 minutes.

Body/health

The rhythm my daily boring job pushed me into, is good for my health. I drink my shakes, mind my fiber intake and drink plenty of water. Body is fine again! Though, I'm rather tired.

Mind/soul

I’m happy. I doubt my views a lot, though. My I feel like right now, that's positive. It's normal. I'm rearranging what I feel is important. It's supposed to shake my foundations a little.

What progress did I make today?

Wrote the diaries. Party supply shopping. Cooked. Ate properly. Handled all my mails. Planned out this week some more. Started decorating a little.

What went well today:

Being productive as soon as work was done and not quitting until I was physically exhausted.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Make sure colleagues don't suspect anything. I feel like I'm no longer giving a fuck. But I should be wiser and cover my tracks a bite more, I guess.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to be a bit more subtle at work. And try not to pressure myself too much. I know I'm doing it again and I understand why and accept it. But nobody is expecting a castle. They just want to see me and have fun together.

Goals:

Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Go pick up the car from the mechanic. Plan the next days properly because I’ll need good planning to survive the prepping of my party. Yeah. This is the same as yesterday ? 

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Day 79

I'm tired. Yowza. Today at work it was busier than usual. Tomorrow and the day after it'll be filled up with clients. I'll probably be running around putting out fires. I tried to make sure that I got as much done as possible for my party. I think I almost have everything now, but I'm not sure. It's getting kind of woozy.

I'll probably stress some more the next days. I already agreed with myself that it's okay if it means I get shit done but on Saturday I let go of everything during my morning shower. I'll sing, dance, drink and chill. No stress. Surfing on the waves of all of my prepwork.

Tomorrow evening I'll still try to go to some shop (if at all nescessary) or start changing the layout of my apartment. I'm getting a visit too! The improv crush is dropping by for supper and she's making me a motherfucking bento box for the day after! Afterwards we're going to improv together. We had a bit of 'the talk' and I think I made it clear we care about each other but that this is not going towards a relationship. But it's nice in any case. It felt healthy ? In any case, the flirting is on. I am loving this being single and handling my shit at the same time. Slowly but surely, I truly think that in 2019 my life will have made a full 180 degrees turn.

I visited my childhood home today. I grew up there but because of the divorce it was sold. Now my aunt is renting it from the person who bought it. Life has a funny way of producing irony. I dropped by because I needed some pots and pans to cook with this weekend. It all seemed so much smaller than I remember. But the nostalgia was nice. I asked if I could see my old room. Or my old bathroom. That's where my dad once told me about the divorce. I wasn't possible. But soon. It's not like I'm not over it or hung up on it. It's just that I want to know what it feels like to be there again. I want to relive a second of that pain and angst and show myself how far I've come and how strong I've become. My jobcoach told me to write a letter to my younger self, back when I was still upside down and inside out. Maybe dipping into it will resolve some things with my mom. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

It's been a long time since somebody has flirted with me and told me I'm sexy. It was kind of nice ^^

Body/health

I'm tired ? I've been really active each day after work. But I listed to my body before it becomes my corpse. Food, nutricious stuff and sleep.

Mind/soul

Very, very excited for Saturday. Already mentally prepping for shit to go haywire. Of course it will! And it's going to be hilarious ? 

What progress did I make today?

Picked up almost ALL the party and cooking supplies I needed. Almost all of the non-food stuff is done now. Also I have my car back. 600 bucks hurts my bank account. But that's why I have savings. 

What went well today:

Being productive as soon as work was done and not quitting until I was physically exhausted. But also letting go on time and not pushing myself over my limits.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Not push myself SO much. Pushing myself is okay. But I need to make sure I chill out and eat and rest on time.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Improv crush is coming over for fun evening and some R&R and improv. She made me a bento. I will squeel from joy.

Goals:

Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between. Let go of everything as soon as the crush comes over and then enjoy it all with a smile.

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Day 79

Waw. Only about 20 more days to go. I wonder if I'll continue this diary...

Well, work was fun. Lots of cute girls passing by. I love a good crowd. There was so much hussle and bussle.

I finished my shopping list and I have just about everything I need for the party! So productive day!

The improv crush came over, we made out a little and she brought me a homemade bento! So adorable. 

 

I'm a tad scared that I'm secretly being self-destructive. It seems like I'm about to jump on any single girl with a heartbeat that smiles at me. I find the impulse to text and flirt and chat them up to be really hard to ignore. A part of me wants to have meaningful, deep connections. And another part of me just wants to rampage. I'm terrified I might fuck up my own party Saturday. There's this crazy cute girl coming all of a sudden. I'm weirdly terrified that something might click. And she might want to spend the night. So I'll have to deny the improv crush. This is ridiculous and a major first world problem. I'm overthinking, panicking and overreacting. But this is what I tend to do. I guess that I'd just have to let go and in the end just see what happens. There is no real control I have over the situation. I should probably just focus on making it a meaningful evening. There's games to be played and drinks to be made. 

I try my best to let go of the whole flirting-obsessed part of me. But it's really hard. I feel like it comes over as arrogant and self-centered. But I think it's some coping mechanism I use to compensate for my fear of being alone. I'm not on Tinder, purposefully. To protect myself. Because I'd go bananas on it. Maybe I should actually start thinking about celibacy for a while. Okay, that was actually ridiculous. How do you manage something like this? How do you manage to dial down something like this, when you don't even know where the lines in the sand lie yet?

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The Bento was delicious and the improv hilarious!

Body/health

Way better! Proper food, proper sleep!

Mind/soul

Overall still happy. A tad stressed but that's normal. And a weird bit panicky for my party on Saturday. As if I'm scared that I'll actually have fun.

What progress did I make today?

Finished my shopping list. Found great recipes for the cakes. Had a day of non-stressing and relaxing.

What went well today:

Work was fun actually. I love it when there's random people to talk to.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Chill the fuck out. And stop chasing after girls so much. And stop judging yourself for doing that.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Honestly, I don't know yet. I have faith in myself that I'll figure it out. Maybe I just need some wine or something.

Goals:

Survive work. Do my personal stuff sneakily in between and finish the last bits of the shopping list. Go to the Turkish shop. Then to the barber's. Then pick up my friend's blender. AND THEN THE MADNESS BEGINS: DECORATING AND PARTY PREPPING

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Day 80 and 81

Yesterday and today are a blur. I woke up yesterday with a killer headache. Doctor told me it's a migraine... Great. Just on the cusp of my amazing party.

I bit through the first few hours of Thursday. There was a buttload of clients around again. I was woozy, badly concentrating, ... Everything was just blurry. I couldn't think straight. After a while, I threw the towel in the ring. I can't really remember what I did yesterday, but I'm sure that it was useful.

Oh yeah! I went to the barber's, finished my groceries and to do list, enlisted some help and got some cooking supplies. Today I did all of the shopping and made an extra cheesecake by accident. Too much batter! Whoops!

Turns out, my fridge is too small so I'll have to get creative... While my sister does the cooking and uses up the ingredients in the fridge, I'll fill up the emptied out space with cakes. Culinary tetris! There'll be cute girls, wine, friends, games, magic, ... Honestly, it's been costing my claws full of money. But it's worth it. I truly feel like it's worth it. I will stand in the middle of the room at some point and realize how lucky and happy and grateful I am. My own appartment, housewarmed by the greatest people alive, living in the greatest city. Paid for by a job that's soon going to change into something that's up my alley. Eating food I made or bought or helped cook. Drinking stuff from cups I chose, during games I prepared, in a sofa I bought. I'm going to be filled with joy, surrounded by my friends and achievements. This is my personal celebration of life. It's my birthday, it's my housewarming, it's a dress-up-party, it's a celebration of who I have become and what my potential entails. And it will be infinite. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I sped around the city and found àll of the ingredients I needed. All of them? Yeah. ALL.

Body/health

The migraine sucks. Also still a tad stressed. I tried minding my diet and sleep but it's hard. Everything feels so blurry. I did take lots of break but I did have a shitload of chores to do.

Mind/soul

A lot of things at the same time. I pay attention to my health and the migraine. But also to my schedule and what still needs to get done. And I also want to be able to fully relax and feel okay.

What progress did I make today?

Finished all of the stuff I needed to finish. Except for 1 cake. That's going to be breakfast stuff.

What went well today:

Cooking and shopping. Despite the headaches.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Chill the fuck out. And don't push yourself so much. Stop worrying. Everybody already likes you.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Let go of it all. There's so many people who voluntarily started helping out. It brings a tear to my eye.

Goals:

Sleep well and proper. Then eat right. Then shower and wash. And then make the last cake. Then the sister will arrive and I'll just try to mellowly flow on the waves of all of the prepping we've done. My friend will arrive too so we'll be able to decorate and prep with the two of us while my sister does kitchen shit. By 4 in the afternoon, I'll be sipping wine, kicking ass and taking names. It's going to be glorious. Like a phoenix rising in a blaze.

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Day 82 & 83

So the party and the aftermath.

I was never any good at asking for help, let alone accepting it. But Saturday people just kept popping up to help out. There was even a friend from the next country over. It was just like that Beatles song. I got by with a little help from my friends. I spent Sunday in a blur of euphoria and trashbags and dishes. I should probably get to cleaning.

I feel like this was a profound experience. I stood up to my Mom and kept her out. I didn't even think of her once. My sister helped me out A LOT. So did my friends. And I found out all 3 of my crushes have a thing for me. Wtf. How is this my life now? 

I woke up with one of them. It was lovely and soft and slow. I'm seeing her next weekend. She's from the next country over, but I have to be nearby anyway. So fuck it, I'll stay a night ? 

I feel like the luckiest motherfucker in the world. I spent the better part of Sunday not cleaning but just basking in all of the positive vibes. The friends, the presents, the fun and the stories. I have come a very long way. So I found that really absorbing all of the love was important, more important than cleaning ? 

I basically spent all day on the couch, hangovering it out, listening to Arctic Monkeys, Lisa Leblanc and the soundtrack from Baby Driver.

This weekend was a succes and a turning point in my life. There's 7 days to go in this detox. I will miss doing this diary.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The Portugese crush kissed me and it was so soft and endearing. 

Body/health

The migraine has left. But that's a vague thing to state because of the hangover, music, endorphines and booze.

Mind/soul

Overjoyed. Deeply. And proud of myself.

What progress did I make today?

Party went off withoutt a hitch.

What went well today:

Accepting help and asking for help.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Buy less food, spend less money.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to start living in reality again. I'll have a black hole for a few days.

Goals:

Try to recover and survive work. Go to a fancy event with my friend. Try no to lull in the black hole too much.

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Day 84 & 85

Still recovering a bit but doing better. The schedule is troubling. I'd like to clean the place but I just have a lot of shit to do that feels like a bigger priority to me.

I notice that I do need a specific structure to work around. Then again, this party was hella crazy, I was sick and I was stressing for weeks. I feel like it's okay that I don't immediately have my ducks in a row.

I'll be leaving tomorrow night for a few days. I'll be in the next country over because of teambuilding, that same night I'll sleep at my Portuguese Belle's place, Friday is my birthday-snowboarding-day and in the evening she's asked me to go to a party on a boat in the middle of the river, dressed as pirates! How crazy is that?! Then I'll spend another day at hers and honestly... That's where my story will end.

I have a looooong way to go. There's much to learn and I already know I'll fall and fail. I'll be back here if need be.

I've been toying with the idea of maybe writing a blog or something of the sort. I rather like writing and it tickles me knowing that people read this. It's intimate, but it's also okay. I enjoy putting myself out there if it means I sometimes get to positively influence people. In any case, I'll probably let go of the diary for the last few days and write maybe one or two final entries. Then I will have done my 90 days. I'll do The Challenge and after that, it's going to be the next step: a new career. And after that? Who knows?! In any case, I'm happier. More at peace with myself. More at peace in general. And videogame- and porn-free!

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The Portuguese invited me to a pirate-party on a boat! It might be a romance that won't survive the week due to numerous factors, but it's looking to be one epic long weekend!

Body/health

The migraine has left almost for 100%. I went to Krav Maga and tomorrow I'll start up my shakes again. Babysteps, as I've learned. Making progress again towards being my best self: a healthy self.

Mind/soul

I am getting back to being me again. Less mopey and drugged, more happy and balanced and passionate. I guess it was just one crazy big hangover ? Thàt and my tendency to overthink stuff when it comes to women. Especially now that I'm juggling the attention of about 4. First world problems, eh?

What progress did I make today?

Bought food, minded my body more, went to Krav Maga, planned out my chores more.

What went well today:

Letting go of my tendency to wallow in my emotions and found some more balance.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Do more stuff at work that actually matters, aka my own chores and stuff.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to do as much as possible when I get home, before I have to go to improv. I'll not be home for a few days and I'd hate to leave it in this foul post-party state.

Goals:

Survive work. Enjoy improv and apply my passion. Do my chores. Start the day with a shake. Try and accomplish maybe 1 thing at work for my personal gain.

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Days 86-87-88-89-90 & 91

I guess this is it. This is goodbye. Yesterday marked the 90th day of this detox. I have been porn-free and videogame-free for a while now. My life has taken a drasticly positive turn. 

I spent the last couple of days in the presence of a Portuguese girl I met and developed a little crush on. I needed a bit of a holiday and that was just what was provided. I spent Thursday in another city doing a teambuilding with the people from work. I cut loose. I had fun and was happy. The sun has been shining for 5 day straight as far as I'm concerned. I have been very happy. Good coffee, fruit, good food and fun people. Thursday was filled with games and competition too and I kicked ass. I won just about everything. I was sooooo motivated, I was on fire! I eventually won 2 big bottles of special craft beer, which I then donated to the company. 1 to each branch office. I just wanted to compete and win, I didn't care about the beer.

After that I spent the night at the Portuguese girl's place. Let's call her Ana, shall we? Makes it easier to type. I didn't really know what was going to happen. Were we going to have sex? Are we just friends and is she being nice? We don't really know each other very well after all, what should I expect? I decided to just let go of everything and just went with whatever life would throw at me. We ended up kissing rather quickly. Not in a gropey, passionate way but softer and kinder. When she kissed me, it's as if I could feel she cared about me. Very loving.

Friday I woke up early and we walked to a coffee place nearby. I got a cuppa java, some pastries and set out to snowboard. It was mayhem! I made the best out of it, but I ended up going home sooner than planned because of the choppy snow. There were just too many people fucking it up. But I did learn that I can hold my own on a board now. Next time, I might get a helmet and try a ramp or two. Or maybe try some actual snow instead of an indoor ramp.

I went back to hers, we couldn't really keep our hands off each other and we changed into our pirate outfits. We went onto a boat, decorated for pirates, and had a floating, cruising, pirate boat party. It was amazing! So many nationalities, cool conversations and costumes, good booze and prices, lots of rum and dancing, ... A night to truly remember. Each time I fell asleep with Ana, we crawled into each others arms. I could tell she felt the same way. I had been thinking about this. There's no way we have a future. But that doesn't mean that for a few days, we could believe our own little paradise could exist without being disturbed by the cold reality. We held hands for the first time on Saturday.

We watched Goldfinger, The Room, Trapped In The Closet and went out for a long walk by the water. We talked about life, our backgrounds, trauma, past relationships... Eventually I had to leave. We kissed one final time and I told her to let me know whenever she was near Ghent. I don't know what might happen next but that's half the fun ?

 

So I had a sexy, fun, adventurous 'holiday'. And now I'm back home. In the middle of my stinky living room ? I will try and spend the day cleaning because I have a friend coming over tomorrow to eat a weed brownie and watch Gaki No Tsukai. There's 2 dates later this week too, a fancy dinner, some Krav Maga and a new podcast episode we're releasing.  And after that? Who knows? I might quit my job when my jobcoaching sessions progress. I might have financial issues again or I might play it smarter and be safer but work more. I don't know. There are many things I would like to see happening. I want to keep writing like I do in this diary. So I am playing with the idea of starting a blog called "The Happiness Enabler". It'd be about personal examples and anecdotes on being happy and deciding to be better and quitting bad habits and swapping them out for good ones. I'd like to change my line of work. I'd like to stay single for a while and just enjoy life and being me. I'd like to keep minding my food and my body. And I'd like to stay happy, like I am now. Thank you all for reading, commenting, being a shoulder and helping me get insights. It has been invaluable.

 

 

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I came back to see what was up with a friend here on the forum. It fel appropriate to write an update.

 

Things have been going well. I am trying to improve the quality of my life, bit by bit. I'm still rather impatient and I still tend to set bars rather high. But I am also aware of that behaviour and I'm learning to meditate and find peace with that side of me. Right now I'm still trying to make meditation a habit. After I cement it, I'll adapt it. I just use it to unwind and relax for now. One day I'd like to use it to communicate with myself. 

I've been seeing a career counselor. She's been helping my figure out what I want to do in life. So far I've learned that I need something dynamic and diverse. So a job with a lot of new environments and new people or several jobs at the same time or something project-based where I switch it up every few months. I need to feel challenged and I want to use my natural skills: creativity, language and empathy. I was worried about the practical side of things. Where to apply, how, what to say, what sector would fit me... But after a while, I realized and noticed that all of my stressing out is useless. And if I don't stress and worry, everything seems to just fall in its place. I am basically learning to listen to and follow my heart. 

Physically we're doing fine. My diet is healthy, with a cheat day here and there. My body is fine. My knees ache from time to time, but I'll manage. I've been doing Krav Maga for a bit now and I'm really progressing. It gives me confidence and the belief that if push should ever come to shove, I'll hold my own. 

Next week, I'll be telling my boss that I'm looking for other jobs. I will express that I need to do more freelance stuff for now and I'd like a part-time job in our Marketing department. If they can't do something like that for me, I'll walk and just figure shit out for myself. I'm not that worried about money. I live paycheck to paycheck, for now. I just moved and I just need a lot of shit. I just bought my first washing machine. Insurance is expensive, ... I like going out to dinner, making trips, ... I do believe I need to budget things a bit more. But I was poor for about 4 years. I think I'll manage 😉  I'm thinking of trying to arrange at least 1 freelance thing per month. And upping things every month until I feel confident that I am financially safe enough. I'll likely get a part-time job in a coffee place or a cocktail bar. I'm looking at event planners and bars as we speak. I feel confident.

And then there's girls. There's this one girl, my improv crush. We're basically friends with benefits. We have strong feelings for each other but we are also mature enough to realize that it's just not the right time. She's been struggling with cancer for the past year and a half and throughout it all, her partner left her. She's been picking the pieces of herself up ever since. It turns out she's been single for about the same time as I have been. We're still figuring things out between us, but it's clear we love each other very much. We're making plans to celebrate New Year's Eve with her family at a theme park and she's helping me plan my dream trip: Japan.

There's also a few other girls but I'm just kind of interested in the attention or the flirting. Nothing compares to my improv girl. I've learned that I use dating and flirting as a coping mechanism. I think that I will let go of this in due time and that this moment might sneak up on me sooner rather than later. It's my ambition to keep the improv girl at a bit of a distance. I don't want another suffocating relationship thing. Though she's a freelancer too and we communicate and respect each other properly. I honestly think we could be a potential couple. But we both, separately, still have some stuff to work through. No matter what happens, this is a good thing because it's teaching me a lot about myself. 

Don't get me wrong. It's all terrifying. I have no idea what's going to happen. I get anxious from time to time. I overreact or freak out. But those moments also pass. Things are growing slowly. But I totally notice the progress. And it feels amazing. I feel happy and loved. I am surrounded by amazing, warm and kind people. I try to give that love back to them and the world.

Quitting video games has been the scariest and toughest thing I ever did. I jumped out of a plane, I travelled through NYC with no plan or money, I backpacked through Canada and California, I changed jobs, girls and cities more than I can count and I once had a random Spanish chick tattoo me in her kitchen. I have struggled with depression and suicide in an environment that basically did not care whether I lived or died. And yet this was my toughest challenge: to let go of something I thought I loved and realizing that I had confused love for addiction. I am free now. I actually burst out in dance randomly on a daily basis. I am happy. Finally. So for all of you who doubt yourself, I understand. It's messy and difficult. But you're not alone and the challenge is worth it.

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Thanks for the update.  I am guessing I am the friend?  I'm glad to hear from you.  I felt terrible when I missed your last progress update.  Be careful with the job search.  I would keep searching and try to maintain your position you currently have until that time unless you have a fall back option.  Sounds like your knee is getting better?

I've been doing a lot better.  I kind of hit a low point with the heavy work load this summer and started playing games more, but I had a realization moment and just kept pushing forward.  I love myself and want to do better.  It's funny, sleeping the first night without playing video games was impossible because I kept wanting to satisfy these passive urges in my mind to stay mentally stimulated and game.

Keep in touch.

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I need to learn how to be kinder to myself and not as demanding. I feel I need to start this journal again. A part of me feels like I don't even deserve to because I'm not really kicking the gaming habit but it's more the search for a healthy life.

I've just been bawling my eyes out, crawled into a ball of my cold couch, sad music basically blasting. I saw my doctor today, I convinced him to let me stay at home for the rest of the week. 

It all started this morning when I was making my breakfast shake. Some astronaut powder, some frozen spinach, frozen fruit, some 'fresh' juice. I had forgotten to clean the whole blending array and my bottle the day before. So it was all crusty. I started begrudgingly cleaning it, swatting away the flies circling the remains of my dishes. It was going to cost me five whole minutes. I'd be late probably. I had to hurry.

And then something just snapped. I couldn't walk out the front door. I just couldn't go to that infernal office any more. It was draining me, burning me out. I used my acting skills to lie my way through a conversation with HR; implying I was sick. Because of an incident they don't really trust me (I'm not sure they should, I try to never lie but I'm a bit of a rogue and really good at deception when I want to and I also tend to steal office supplies because fuck that place) so I had to get a doctor asap to verify that I'm sick. Obviously I wasn't sick. But there was something wrong with me. So I played the overworked/overstressed card. He empathized, advised a therapist, and gave me a few days off. But the thing is, when I use my acting, reality blurs a bit. I know that. I know that I can feel genuinely arrogant or mad or sad or whatever a part I play requires of me. The same applies to lying. My mind and body tend to refabricate what I perceive as real. It's part of what makes me a good actor. So it's only natural I started believing my own lie a little bit. But I couldn't shake it.

And then I realized, I haven't been well for a while. I've been watching porn again. First a little. Then I fought it. And then a LOT. I use it as some kind of crutch. To release chemicals in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to relax. Meditation requires concentration and effort. I had to face the facts, something actually did break. A dam of some kind. Thank god it did. It's healthy to fall. It helps me learn where the ground under my feet is. 

But I'd still like somebody to tel me that I am an okay person and that it's natural to fail, judge yourself and that learning to be kind to yourself isn't easy. And that it's okay to need to journal some more on this forum and that I'm welcome to do so.

I have to go to Krav Maga practice and attend a birthday party after that. I'll write some more tomorrow and try and start a daily structured journal again. I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I have to tell someone.

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19 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

I need to learn how to be kinder to myself and not as demanding. I feel I need to start this journal again. A part of me feels like I don't even deserve to because I'm not really kicking the gaming habit but it's more the search for a healthy life.

I've just been bawling my eyes out, crawled into a ball of my cold couch, sad music basically blasting. I saw my doctor today, I convinced him to let me stay at home for the rest of the week. 

It all started this morning when I was making my breakfast shake. Some astronaut powder, some frozen spinach, frozen fruit, some 'fresh' juice. I had forgotten to clean the whole blending array and my bottle the day before. So it was all crusty. I started begrudgingly cleaning it, swatting away the flies circling the remains of my dishes. It was going to cost me five whole minutes. I'd be late probably. I had to hurry.

And then something just snapped. I couldn't walk out the front door. I just couldn't go to that infernal office any more. It was draining me, burning me out. I used my acting skills to lie my way through a conversation with HR; implying I was sick. Because of an incident they don't really trust me (I'm not sure they should, I try to never lie but I'm a bit of a rogue and really good at deception when I want to and I also tend to steal office supplies because fuck that place) so I had to get a doctor asap to verify that I'm sick. Obviously I wasn't sick. But there was something wrong with me. So I played the overworked/overstressed card. He empathized, advised a therapist, and gave me a few days off. But the thing is, when I use my acting, reality blurs a bit. I know that. I know that I can feel genuinely arrogant or mad or sad or whatever a part I play requires of me. The same applies to lying. My mind and body tend to refabricate what I perceive as real. It's part of what makes me a good actor. So it's only natural I started believing my own lie a little bit. But I couldn't shake it.

And then I realized, I haven't been well for a while. I've been watching porn again. First a little. Then I fought it. And then a LOT. I use it as some kind of crutch. To release chemicals in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to relax. Meditation requires concentration and effort. I had to face the facts, something actually did break. A dam of some kind. Thank god it did. It's healthy to fall. It helps me learn where the ground under my feet is. 

But I'd still like somebody to tel me that I am an okay person and that it's natural to fail, judge yourself and that learning to be kind to yourself isn't easy. And that it's okay to need to journal some more on this forum and that I'm welcome to do so.

I have to go to Krav Maga practice and attend a birthday party after that. I'll write some more tomorrow and try and start a daily structured journal again. I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I have to tell someone.

Hey man, 

Welcome back and don't be ashamed of what's going on. I've written in here a few times that porn is my biggest crutch and harder to quit than games. For some reason I associate it with a mental and physical craving and really turn to it when I'm stressed, anxious, tired, excited, lazy, etc. It drains my emotions and makes me feel dead inside. I'm having a real difficulty quitting it. It's like that last wall of bad habits I participate in. 

I think it's good to journal, even if you quit games. It gives you a bit of a reality check when you're being too hard on yourself or not being realistic. It can be so depressing going to work somewhere you know you don't belong, but battling the confusion of not knowing where you belong anyhow. We're so used to instant results from gaming and porn that it's hard to focus on these long term paths. Our bad habits are also escapism. 

A few of us on this forum really loathe the every day job we do because we know we're doing belong in it. That's part of our path and maybe we'll figure it out. 

Matt

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I need to learn how to be kinder to myself and not as demanding. I feel I need to start this journal again. A part of me feels like I don't even deserve to because I'm not really kicking the gaming habit but it's more the search for a healthy life.

I've just been bawling my eyes out, crawled into a ball of my cold couch, sad music basically blasting. I saw my doctor today, I convinced him to let me stay at home for the rest of the week. 

It all started this morning when I was making my breakfast shake. Some astronaut powder, some frozen spinach, frozen fruit, some 'fresh' juice. I had forgotten to clean the whole blending array and my bottle the day before. So it was all crusty. I started begrudgingly cleaning it, swatting away the flies circling the remains of my dishes. It was going to cost me five whole minutes. I'd be late probably. I had to hurry.

And then something just snapped. I couldn't walk out the front door. I just couldn't go to that infernal office any more. It was draining me, burning me out. I used my acting skills to lie my way through a conversation with HR; implying I was sick. Because of an incident they don't really trust me (I'm not sure they should, I try to never lie but I'm a bit of a rogue and really good at deception when I want to and I also tend to steal office supplies because fuck that place) so I had to get a doctor asap to verify that I'm sick. Obviously I wasn't sick. But there was something wrong with me. So I played the overworked/overstressed card. He empathized, advised a therapist, and gave me a few days off. But the thing is, when I use my acting, reality blurs a bit. I know that. I know that I can feel genuinely arrogant or mad or sad or whatever a part I play requires of me. The same applies to lying. My mind and body tend to refabricate what I perceive as real. It's part of what makes me a good actor. So it's only natural I started believing my own lie a little bit. But I couldn't shake it.

And then I realized, I haven't been well for a while. I've been watching porn again. First a little. Then I fought it. And then a LOT. I use it as some kind of crutch. To release chemicals in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to relax. Meditation requires concentration and effort. I had to face the facts, something actually did break. A dam of some kind. Thank god it did. It's healthy to fall. It helps me learn where the ground under my feet is. 

But I'd still like somebody to tel me that I am an okay person and that it's natural to fail, judge yourself and that learning to be kind to yourself isn't easy. And that it's okay to need to journal some more on this forum and that I'm welcome to do so.

I have to go to Krav Maga practice and attend a birthday party after that. I'll write some more tomorrow and try and start a daily structured journal again. I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I have to tell someone.

I feel kind of guilty saying this, but I am glad you are back, I'm sitting there looking at what you acheived over the 90 days and i'm like "wow I want to see what this person can do with the rest of his life, I want to see the rest of the adventure". I think you have a load more storeis in you , this isn't the end of the story not by a long shot.

And your human and we are inherently fallable. It IS natural to fail and to judge yourself, The important thing is that when you fail, you get back up and make the right decision, and I think coming back is the right decision, even if you have beaten the games.

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20 hours ago, Matt S said:

Hey man, 

Welcome back and don't be ashamed of what's going on. I've written in here a few times that porn is my biggest crutch and harder to quit than games. For some reason I associate it with a mental and physical craving and really turn to it when I'm stressed, anxious, tired, excited, lazy, etc. It drains my emotions and makes me feel dead inside. I'm having a real difficulty quitting it. It's like that last wall of bad habits I participate in. 

I think it's good to journal, even if you quit games. It gives you a bit of a reality check when you're being too hard on yourself or not being realistic. It can be so depressing going to work somewhere you know you don't belong, but battling the confusion of not knowing where you belong anyhow. We're so used to instant results from gaming and porn that it's hard to focus on these long term paths. Our bad habits are also escapism. 

A few of us on this forum really loathe the every day job we do because we know we're doing belong in it. That's part of our path and maybe we'll figure it out. 

Matt

Hey Matt,

Thanks, man. I needed somebody telling me 'Welcome back'. 
 

I can totally relate. I quit porn a while back and I still have a complicated relationship with it. I would love to quit it fully, but I can't seem to let go. I can go without it for a while but not without any effects to my psyche or body. It's an true obstacle and one to be take seriously.

I'll try to do a daily proper thing starting tonight. I want you to know I've been keeping an eye on you from a distance. I've been working about 7 days a week, overclocking my brain like crazy so I'm sorry if I haven't responded. 

G

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14 hours ago, Peregrinator said:

I feel kind of guilty saying this, but I am glad you are back, I'm sitting there looking at what you acheived over the 90 days and i'm like "wow I want to see what this person can do with the rest of his life, I want to see the rest of the adventure". I think you have a load more storeis in you , this isn't the end of the story not by a long shot.

And your human and we are inherently fallable. It IS natural to fail and to judge yourself, The important thing is that when you fail, you get back up and make the right decision, and I think coming back is the right decision, even if you have beaten the games.

Oh, why would you feel guilty? That's like a really great compliment, holy shit! I never figured myself to be deservant of  some kind of 'an audience' for my life. But if I can help you out in any way by just being me, heck, lets' go for that! Knowing myself, I'll probably do some more crazy shit. I like living intensely and without apologies. I'd rather die young and exciting than old and worn out. Live with the idea that at some point you'll die, life is finite. And you owe it to yourself to make it as awesome as possible. But it comes at a cost. I tend to tire myself out and also do stupid shit. I've left lots of broken hearts in my wake and I even have a tattoo on my shoulder from some random fling in Spain, she had set it herself in her kitchen. Didn't even get laid 😛

Thanks man. I think this is a very healing place. I need a bit more support before I'm fully formed, I guess. It's like I'm still a bit 'under construction'.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Hey Matt,

Thanks, man. I needed somebody telling me 'Welcome back'. 
 

I can totally relate. I quit porn a while back and I still have a complicated relationship with it. I would love to quit it fully, but I can't seem to let go. I can go without it for a while but not without any effects to my psyche or body. It's an true obstacle and one to be take seriously.

I'll try to do a daily proper thing starting tonight. I want you to know I've been keeping an eye on you from a distance. I've been working about 7 days a week, overclocking my brain like crazy so I'm sorry if I haven't responded. 

G

I appreciate it man. I think you and my friend fawn are the people who have really made an impact on me. 

I think our issues are more of a global issue with our overall daily lives than little things and we turn to escapism to hide from it because we feel trapped. Mine is definitely career related and I think yours has been as well based off or summer conversations. 

We're going to figure this out. 

Matt

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Alright. So I crashed. I'm going to write all of this out here so it's out of my system. This is going to be long. 

TL;DR: Christmas Eve will be awkward, the fight with my Mom continues and that's making me feel lonely. I keep judging myself and being hard on myself and keep shoveling more things op top of my shoulders. There's cool career stuff bound to happen but I crashed because I was basically going at it at full force 7 days out of 7. I can't really relax anymore. There's been porn, sadly, drinking, the itch to game again and finally feel some progress, challenge, happiness and achievement. And somebody broke into my car and it made me think and feel like a racist primate for a day or two. (Honestly, I still want somebody to pick a fight with me just so I can kick somebody's ass. Not proud of this. This is not okay. I hope it doesn't happen; but the feeling is very much there) There's also a shitload of girls and equal amounts of intimicy issues, one of which stands out and I text daily, I call her Elf girl.

 

 

The jobcoach let me go. Like a young bird I tried spreading my own wings. She felt she had taught me enough and that I was taking proper initiative. She had faith in me, I had faith in me and everything would be swell. I had stepped up to HR and my GM, told them what I wanted and they offered me a part-time job as community manager, telemarketeer and logistics assistant. A different job for each day I'd be there. Lovely. I'd get to spend the other bits of my week educating myself and expanding my freelance business. I now realize I have great charisma and skills but that my weak point is my resumé. I need proper education, certificates and workshops to put on my CV. I'm skilled and a talk a great game. Now I need to try and persuade people using my CV. My factual skills need to reflect my actual skills. It's going to take me a while and I have no idea where to start. On top of that, money will be tight for a while, I'll also need to make a budget somehow without sacrificing any quality of life. I'll need proper planning to make sure I make enough money and progress at the same time, all the while saving up some money for when the shit hits the fan. But I know myself, I'll lose myself in madness like that. So I'll also need to keep an eye on my physical wellbeing and mental health. Proper food, sleep and exercise and seeing my friends from time to time. Not to mention I can't live in a pig sty.

Starting to get the idea that that's a bit of a tall order? Yeah, me too. But I figured I could handle it. After all, I'm the motherfucking PhoenixKing. I get beaten down and get back up again, more glorious than the last time. Well, it turns out that working 7 days out of 7 will send your ass through a dark tunnel towards a white, bright light; and then sombody kicks your ponsy soul all the way back down that tunnel 'till you choke on your own fucked up ribs. So I woke up from that pipe dream a few days ago. Tired, weary, confused. I knew I was biting off more than I could chew, I could feel it. I had lost the ability to relax.

It wasn't all bad, I made sure I ate well, kept an eye on my social life. I started seeing a few girls. Had some great interviews too. There's lots of positive stuff. But I kept on laying on the pressure. I HAD to make it. I HAD to plan this or that. I CAN'T forget this or that. All of a sudden, every detail seemed like a matter of life or death. The dishes, the trash, social media... When every tiny thing feels like it's huge, every huge thing feels like it's Godzilla. It doesn't matter who you are, nobody can fight an army of Godzillas. 

There's a couple of girls floating around too. There's Christmas Eve coming up. There's money issues. The large to do list. Porn. Drinking. Not being able to relax. Not reading enough for my taste. Not doing what I planned out to do. Somebody broke into my car. 

I've been feeling so vulnerable. Like any little thing would set me off. I remember thinking that anybody of color with a hoodie, who looked at me funny in my street where I live, would get the beating of a lifetime. I'm not proud of that. It's like this primal rage took me over. I was so furious about the car being broken into, in front of my own fucking apartment! Where's this world coming to? My government just collapsed! A bunch of overpaid monkeys in suits, circlejerking and cashing in. And here I am, struggling and getting beaten down. How's that fair? How am I expected to still be able to smile, forgive and love? Ever since I started Krav Maga, I've been secretly wanting to actually fight. To know what it's like. I know it's a bad idea, but I also can't ignore that feeling. It's so strong and primal. I strongly assume it was an immigrant, a gypsy or some punk kid who tore the insides of my glove box apart. The rational side of me knows that it could have been anybody at any time, no matter the background, skincolor or whatever. But I live in a city area full of actual psycho's. The amount of people with actual mental health problems nearby is insane. That's something the realtor won't tell you. I don't really want to move, I just started to settle in. On top of that there's my contract. I don't want to lose money over breaking it and fleeing. This is the city. It's one of it's symptoms, I guess. But it's just one of the things I've been struggling with. I've never felt like that. The idea that I would even think of trying beat somebody up, because I'm frustrated and suspicious, because I want to take back some form of agency over my life.

That's what it's all about, I think. I want control over my life. Or at least to feel like I'm in control; like I'm steering the ship somewhere. I miss feeling progress. Games used to give you this sense of accomplishment. It's at crossroads like these that it's hard to stay sober. I'm lucky my computer is busted up enough to not let me play anything proper. I could really use some wins right now. I'd feel great. But I'd feel horrible afterwards, I fear.

I wonder if I'll figure out soon what helps me relax. It sure isn't watching Netflix, that's clear to me now. Reading is just meh. Meditation requires actual effort. D&D is a lot of fun. Krav Maga is good too. I fear that one of the reasons I crashed so hard was that I wasn't going to practice for a few weeks. I relapsed into old patterns, using porn and alcohol a lot to flee from the issues. I should probably not have this much alcohol in my house. I drink more than I want to admit. Same goes for porn. It's safe to say I'm addicted. 

It's still awkward between my mom and me. I keep standing my ground firmly. But honestly, I just want her to hold me and guide me through this. But I'm not sure she even could if she wanted to. I feel rather alone in this battle. I've always tried to survive and figure things out without my parents, I had to. And I've done well for myself. But it's a basic biological thing, to want to feel a mother's love. I think I somehow compensated with relationships in the past. This is the first time, now that I'm single and am living alone, that I realize how lonely that is. Lots of people have a warm backup, a safe haven to help them weather the storm. We have a family therapy session coming up next month. I'm doing it once, as a favor to my sister. But I have no faith in it. I also feel no obligation to pour my hard-earned cash and precious time into that. I honestly and truly just want to find peace with myself, accept myself for who I am and get better at being kinder and loving towards myself. I'll have to face her at Christmas Eve. And her disgusting boyfriend. I had thought about dodging that draft. She tried adding me on Facebook, putting me in a group together with her, his kids and also my sister. I declined, blocked and deleted everything. She wanted me to come to a New Year's Party. In itself, cute, amicabel even, like an olive branch. But when you reckon that one of the problems is that she ignores issues and acts like nothing's going on and I called her out on that several times, and invite like that is infuriating. How dare she not properly talk things through with me? How dare she smile, play with my hair when I last saw her at grandma's after she threw down the phone, screaming profanities. I will not allow this fight between us to be ignored and stuffed away. I will not pretend we're okay, just because there's  other family members nearby. I am not a liar, I wear no mask, I make no apologies. You want to fight with me, Mom? Sure. Bring it on. I'll eat your sorry, broken, immature, tactless, desperate ass for breakfast. But I'll be damned sure to stand my ground in any and every issue. That includes subtle manipulative invitations that imply you shit-talking me to other family members if I dare to not show up. 

Christmas Eve at grandma's will be lovely. But I respect and love grandma, my aunt and my cousin. So I'll bite the bullet, drink a shitload of wine, hang out with my cousin mainly and get through it like a man.

Sorry about the Mom rant. I guess it's a bigger issue than I thought.  

And finally, the girls. There's a couple. I haven't seen Krav Maga girl for a while but she's still cute and still sending out vibes. Either that or I'm misreading it. Both are plausible. Not that I'd feel confident dating her, I don't want to ruin my practice group vibes with my intimicy issues. I'd probably fool around with her for a while and get tired of her because she smokes. There's Christmas Tree girl. A friend from film school, recently broken up with her boyfriend and moved to my city. We've hung out, cooked and admitted we fancied each other. I fancy a little roll in the hay. She's terrified of kissing me because it would push her over the edge and fall in love with me. She knows I'm not fit for a relationship. Despite that we're close. She's kind, loving, sweet and reliable. She's make an amazing girlfriend. But I can't walk that path yet. There's other things to be done first. And I'm not in love with her, it wouldn't be fair to her. Despite that she's spent the night in my arms (no sex) when I needed somebody's shoulder to cry on. She's helped me set up my Christmas Tree and calls me when I have a bad day. That woman is golden. So it's imperative I don't let my flirty habits get the best of me and take advantage of her. I don't want to break her heart. Despite that, I can't keep my hands to myself. She loves it, but we always stop just before we'd kiss. I apologize each time and feel bad afterwards. But it's hard to think clearly in the moment. She's confident in herself enough to stop me when needed, I don't want to put out any rapey vibes. It's all just playfull and a little bit passionate, we hug a lot and tell each other everything and that we love each other and all. ... I guess it's a bit complicated to put it all into just a couple of sentences. There's also Improv girl. She's been busy with work but we're still going to Japan next year and we'll be celebrating New Year's Eve together. She's been out of sight for a while, working a lot, she says. I think she's just keeping her distance because that's what she does. She's always been bad at dealing with her own emotions. I don't judge her for it. Everybody struggles. She's still my friend. But I feel we'll probably be growing out of the whole fuckbuddies-thing. And that's okay.

And then there's Elf girl. I call her that in my head because she's so bubbly and adventurous. I met her through a friend who introduced us. We started talking a few weeks ago and haven't stopped since. If this keeps up, I may even develop a full blown crush on her. We've kissed before and have been on a date. I'm seeing her this weekend too. She's cute and passionate, smart and wise, she almost seems to good to be true. She has the same feelings about me. But just like I have, there's baggage. I don't want to get into a relationship when I'm just in the middle of getting to know myself. One of my big issues is to find peace and acceptance and get past being single. I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, it'll stump my progress and I'll fall back into old patterns, making the relationship the core of my life rather than an addition to it. On top of that, I'm still struggling with the career. I'd rather focus on finally doing it properly first. Then we'll see. I've also noticed that there's a gazillion girls out there. Who's to say that she's the one? She's got issues as well. A manipulative ex-boyfriend who keeps popping into her life. She's too kind a person to properly stand up to him and she's been on his hook for a while. She wants to gather her marbles and flip him the bird once and for all but it's hard to do that if you love someone and want to be kind. All of that doesn't stop up from texting each other incessantly.

That's about the meat of it...

I'll try to keep a proper journal. Make an entry every night. I wanted to clean up my place a bit today, listen to some music or a podcast, put a limiter on my Netflix en social media time and go to Krav Maga practice. I'm still pretty battered. So we'll see where we'll end up tonight.

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12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Alright. So I crashed. I'm going to write all of this out here so it's out of my system. This is going to be long. 

TL;DR: Christmas Eve will be awkward, the fight with my Mom continues and that's making me feel lonely. I keep judging myself and being hard on myself and keep shoveling more things op top of my shoulders. There's cool career stuff bound to happen but I crashed because I was basically going at it at full force 7 days out of 7. I can't really relax anymore. There's been porn, sadly, drinking, the itch to game again and finally feel some progress, challenge, happiness and achievement. And somebody broke into my car and it made me think and feel like a racist primate for a day or two. (Honestly, I still want somebody to pick a fight with me just so I can kick somebody's ass. Not proud of this. This is not okay. I hope it doesn't happen; but the feeling is very much there) There's also a shitload of girls and equal amounts of intimicy issues, one of which stands out and I text daily, I call her Elf girl.

 

 

The jobcoach let me go. Like a young bird I tried spreading my own wings. She felt she had taught me enough and that I was taking proper initiative. She had faith in me, I had faith in me and everything would be swell. I had stepped up to HR and my GM, told them what I wanted and they offered me a part-time job as community manager, telemarketeer and logistics assistant. A different job for each day I'd be there. Lovely. I'd get to spend the other bits of my week educating myself and expanding my freelance business. I now realize I have great charisma and skills but that my weak point is my resumé. I need proper education, certificates and workshops to put on my CV. I'm skilled and a talk a great game. Now I need to try and persuade people using my CV. My factual skills need to reflect my actual skills. It's going to take me a while and I have no idea where to start. On top of that, money will be tight for a while, I'll also need to make a budget somehow without sacrificing any quality of life. I'll need proper planning to make sure I make enough money and progress at the same time, all the while saving up some money for when the shit hits the fan. But I know myself, I'll lose myself in madness like that. So I'll also need to keep an eye on my physical wellbeing and mental health. Proper food, sleep and exercise and seeing my friends from time to time. Not to mention I can't live in a pig sty.

Starting to get the idea that that's a bit of a tall order? Yeah, me too. But I figured I could handle it. After all, I'm the motherfucking PhoenixKing. I get beaten down and get back up again, more glorious than the last time. Well, it turns out that working 7 days out of 7 will send your ass through a dark tunnel towards a white, bright light; and then sombody kicks your ponsy soul all the way back down that tunnel 'till you choke on your own fucked up ribs. So I woke up from that pipe dream a few days ago. Tired, weary, confused. I knew I was biting off more than I could chew, I could feel it. I had lost the ability to relax.

It wasn't all bad, I made sure I ate well, kept an eye on my social life. I started seeing a few girls. Had some great interviews too. There's lots of positive stuff. But I kept on laying on the pressure. I HAD to make it. I HAD to plan this or that. I CAN'T forget this or that. All of a sudden, every detail seemed like a matter of life or death. The dishes, the trash, social media... When every tiny thing feels like it's huge, every huge thing feels like it's Godzilla. It doesn't matter who you are, nobody can fight an army of Godzillas. 

There's a couple of girls floating around too. There's Christmas Eve coming up. There's money issues. The large to do list. Porn. Drinking. Not being able to relax. Not reading enough for my taste. Not doing what I planned out to do. Somebody broke into my car. 

I've been feeling so vulnerable. Like any little thing would set me off. I remember thinking that anybody of color with a hoodie, who looked at me funny in my street where I live, would get the beating of a lifetime. I'm not proud of that. It's like this primal rage took me over. I was so furious about the car being broken into, in front of my own fucking apartment! Where's this world coming to? My government just collapsed! A bunch of overpaid monkeys in suits, circlejerking and cashing in. And here I am, struggling and getting beaten down. How's that fair? How am I expected to still be able to smile, forgive and love? Ever since I started Krav Maga, I've been secretly wanting to actually fight. To know what it's like. I know it's a bad idea, but I also can't ignore that feeling. It's so strong and primal. I strongly assume it was an immigrant, a gypsy or some punk kid who tore the insides of my glove box apart. The rational side of me knows that it could have been anybody at any time, no matter the background, skincolor or whatever. But I live in a city area full of actual psycho's. The amount of people with actual mental health problems nearby is insane. That's something the realtor won't tell you. I don't really want to move, I just started to settle in. On top of that there's my contract. I don't want to lose money over breaking it and fleeing. This is the city. It's one of it's symptoms, I guess. But it's just one of the things I've been struggling with. I've never felt like that. The idea that I would even think of trying beat somebody up, because I'm frustrated and suspicious, because I want to take back some form of agency over my life.

That's what it's all about, I think. I want control over my life. Or at least to feel like I'm in control; like I'm steering the ship somewhere. I miss feeling progress. Games used to give you this sense of accomplishment. It's at crossroads like these that it's hard to stay sober. I'm lucky my computer is busted up enough to not let me play anything proper. I could really use some wins right now. I'd feel great. But I'd feel horrible afterwards, I fear.

I wonder if I'll figure out soon what helps me relax. It sure isn't watching Netflix, that's clear to me now. Reading is just meh. Meditation requires actual effort. D&D is a lot of fun. Krav Maga is good too. I fear that one of the reasons I crashed so hard was that I wasn't going to practice for a few weeks. I relapsed into old patterns, using porn and alcohol a lot to flee from the issues. I should probably not have this much alcohol in my house. I drink more than I want to admit. Same goes for porn. It's safe to say I'm addicted. 

It's still awkward between my mom and me. I keep standing my ground firmly. But honestly, I just want her to hold me and guide me through this. But I'm not sure she even could if she wanted to. I feel rather alone in this battle. I've always tried to survive and figure things out without my parents, I had to. And I've done well for myself. But it's a basic biological thing, to want to feel a mother's love. I think I somehow compensated with relationships in the past. This is the first time, now that I'm single and am living alone, that I realize how lonely that is. Lots of people have a warm backup, a safe haven to help them weather the storm. We have a family therapy session coming up next month. I'm doing it once, as a favor to my sister. But I have no faith in it. I also feel no obligation to pour my hard-earned cash and precious time into that. I honestly and truly just want to find peace with myself, accept myself for who I am and get better at being kinder and loving towards myself. I'll have to face her at Christmas Eve. And her disgusting boyfriend. I had thought about dodging that draft. She tried adding me on Facebook, putting me in a group together with her, his kids and also my sister. I declined, blocked and deleted everything. She wanted me to come to a New Year's Party. In itself, cute, amicabel even, like an olive branch. But when you reckon that one of the problems is that she ignores issues and acts like nothing's going on and I called her out on that several times, and invite like that is infuriating. How dare she not properly talk things through with me? How dare she smile, play with my hair when I last saw her at grandma's after she threw down the phone, screaming profanities. I will not allow this fight between us to be ignored and stuffed away. I will not pretend we're okay, just because there's  other family members nearby. I am not a liar, I wear no mask, I make no apologies. You want to fight with me, Mom? Sure. Bring it on. I'll eat your sorry, broken, immature, tactless, desperate ass for breakfast. But I'll be damned sure to stand my ground in any and every issue. That includes subtle manipulative invitations that imply you shit-talking me to other family members if I dare to not show up. 

Christmas Eve at grandma's will be lovely. But I respect and love grandma, my aunt and my cousin. So I'll bite the bullet, drink a shitload of wine, hang out with my cousin mainly and get through it like a man.

Sorry about the Mom rant. I guess it's a bigger issue than I thought.  

And finally, the girls. There's a couple. I haven't seen Krav Maga girl for a while but she's still cute and still sending out vibes. Either that or I'm misreading it. Both are plausible. Not that I'd feel confident dating her, I don't want to ruin my practice group vibes with my intimicy issues. I'd probably fool around with her for a while and get tired of her because she smokes. There's Christmas Tree girl. A friend from film school, recently broken up with her boyfriend and moved to my city. We've hung out, cooked and admitted we fancied each other. I fancy a little roll in the hay. She's terrified of kissing me because it would push her over the edge and fall in love with me. She knows I'm not fit for a relationship. Despite that we're close. She's kind, loving, sweet and reliable. She's make an amazing girlfriend. But I can't walk that path yet. There's other things to be done first. And I'm not in love with her, it wouldn't be fair to her. Despite that she's spent the night in my arms (no sex) when I needed somebody's shoulder to cry on. She's helped me set up my Christmas Tree and calls me when I have a bad day. That woman is golden. So it's imperative I don't let my flirty habits get the best of me and take advantage of her. I don't want to break her heart. Despite that, I can't keep my hands to myself. She loves it, but we always stop just before we'd kiss. I apologize each time and feel bad afterwards. But it's hard to think clearly in the moment. She's confident in herself enough to stop me when needed, I don't want to put out any rapey vibes. It's all just playfull and a little bit passionate, we hug a lot and tell each other everything and that we love each other and all. ... I guess it's a bit complicated to put it all into just a couple of sentences. There's also Improv girl. She's been busy with work but we're still going to Japan next year and we'll be celebrating New Year's Eve together. She's been out of sight for a while, working a lot, she says. I think she's just keeping her distance because that's what she does. She's always been bad at dealing with her own emotions. I don't judge her for it. Everybody struggles. She's still my friend. But I feel we'll probably be growing out of the whole fuckbuddies-thing. And that's okay.

And then there's Elf girl. I call her that in my head because she's so bubbly and adventurous. I met her through a friend who introduced us. We started talking a few weeks ago and haven't stopped since. If this keeps up, I may even develop a full blown crush on her. We've kissed before and have been on a date. I'm seeing her this weekend too. She's cute and passionate, smart and wise, she almost seems to good to be true. She has the same feelings about me. But just like I have, there's baggage. I don't want to get into a relationship when I'm just in the middle of getting to know myself. One of my big issues is to find peace and acceptance and get past being single. I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, it'll stump my progress and I'll fall back into old patterns, making the relationship the core of my life rather than an addition to it. On top of that, I'm still struggling with the career. I'd rather focus on finally doing it properly first. Then we'll see. I've also noticed that there's a gazillion girls out there. Who's to say that she's the one? She's got issues as well. A manipulative ex-boyfriend who keeps popping into her life. She's too kind a person to properly stand up to him and she's been on his hook for a while. She wants to gather her marbles and flip him the bird once and for all but it's hard to do that if you love someone and want to be kind. All of that doesn't stop up from texting each other incessantly.

That's about the meat of it...

I'll try to keep a proper journal. Make an entry every night. I wanted to clean up my place a bit today, listen to some music or a podcast, put a limiter on my Netflix en social media time and go to Krav Maga practice. I'm still pretty battered. So we'll see where we'll end up tonight.

This is too much information to process because of everything going on.  It seems to me you're all over the place right now.  There's job opportunities, 4-6 different girls, hobbies, conflict with help from your mom, etc.  I feel like you're getting so overwhelmed with everything in life that you're turning to something new and diving right into it.  Whether it's a girl, a hobby idea, or a job you seem to be diving right in like somehow it is going to rescue you from this situation you're trying to get control of. All of this frustration is making you extremely angry and volatile emotionally (I'm not saying this in a derogatory way) and it's consistently putting you into fluctuations between fight or flight mentality.  You either fight someone and get angry, or you flight and fly to a new woman interest, new job interest, or something else like porn, drinking, or gaming.

Fight or Flight is your constant mindset because you're wicked stressed out. You need to take a step back here.  You said you wanted to do a hobby that required little effort and it's frustrating to you because your other activities require effort and you're tired.  You need to simplify this right now.  If you edit that sentence, you can just say "you're tired".  You need to rest and relax for some time here.  Unfortunately, if you're going through a major event in life (job search, relationship search, family issues, healing from addiction) then you can't take on too much.  Your body is in shock from change and needs time to adjust.

I'd suggest giving up this relationship search.  You're all over the place here and most of these girls seem like they're excited to flirt with you and fantasize, but are wasting your time and not giving you romance.  If a girl really likes you after strong communication, they will date you.  If they're dragging it out and making weird excuses like they want to date you, but can't, then they're playing games with you and just want the attention.  You need the attention because you're vulnerable right now.  These girls don't need your attention.  You're giving them attention in hopes of them giving you attention.  This is why you crave your mom's attention.  She can provide unconditional love to you and help you when you're down.  I'm not sure if you and your parents had a falling out and it's bad, or you're just trying to prove you're strong and can make it on your own, but I think it's obvious that you're craving and in need of unconditional love and support from a small group of close friends or family only.  Dating will not help you right now.

You need some stability in your life and your body is crying out for you to stop and give it some reprieve.  I'm sorry for sounding blunt with you tonight in my response, but based off of the emotions you're feeling right now, I needed to speak in this tone with you.  You need direction and guidance.  Mine might not be great, but I think you need some guidance instead of trying to pioneer every step of the way for yourself.  Humans can talk for a reason.  You have a good voice.  Get the help you need, be patient, and allow yourself to heal while you're going through the difficulties of a major career change and lifestyle change.  Humans can only learn so much at once.  That's why I get frustrated.  My job is so difficult I can't stop learning.  This makes finding hobbies terrible because I'm always learning and it pisses me off and I want to escape it.  It takes time and we need to find ways to balance healing, learning, restoration, and pleasure.  

I'll support you along the way, but you need to put the brakes on and be real with yourself.

Matt

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This is terrifying and difficult. It all feels like a blur. As if I'm still in denial, as if I'm still running from this.

I had a talk with most of the girls. Apart from one (Elf Girl) I'd genuinely would like to keep seeing, I will keep them all at a bit of a distance and when needed be clear about just wanting to be friends. I also made sure that Elf Girl knows about my dating and coping habits. Luckily she understands because she's a bit similar. And a degree in Pyschology helps out too 😛 She too likes losing herself in stuff from time to time. We agreed to try and communicate as often and clearly as possible and keep an eye on each other. We also agreed that this is like a speed bump and it's probably healthy anyway to take things slow. But we didn't want to cut ties, we like each other too much for that. We also agreed to not sleep together for a few months. Also due to a medical condition; but a few months of just getting to know each other properly feels like a healthy move.

Honestly, I'm a tad dissapointed in myself that I haven't gotten back up on the horse. I've been drinking daily but haven't watched porn in a few days. It surprised me how difficult it is for me to start up this diary again. I'm going to try and make this a priority.

@Matt S, you're right man. I AM all over the place. I'll try to quiet down a little bit, simplifying things sounds nice. It's proper advice. Thanks man. I took your advice about the relationship search and cut it down to 1 person I'll be seeing casually. I need to find peace with myself first. I tend to use dating and flirting as a way to run away from my problems. I need to face them. It's cool man, it's a proper wake up call. I think I needed somebody putting me in my place. I'm good with taking on my problems, but I tend to not take them one at a time. I tend to do everything all at once and wonder why I can't do even more.

I'm going to go and celebrate Christmas Eve now. I made another cheese cake. It might turn out to be a horrible night but it's where I'm supposed to be. With family. Despite my mom being there. 

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7 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

This is terrifying and difficult. It all feels like a blur. As if I'm still in denial, as if I'm still running from this.

I had a talk with most of the girls. Apart from one (Elf Girl) I'd genuinely would like to keep seeing, I will keep them all at a bit of a distance and when needed be clear about just wanting to be friends. I also made sure that Elf Girl knows about my dating and coping habits. Luckily she understands because she's a bit similar. And a degree in Pyschology helps out too 😛 She too likes losing herself in stuff from time to time. We agreed to try and communicate as often and clearly as possible and keep an eye on each other. We also agreed that this is like a speed bump and it's probably healthy anyway to take things slow. But we didn't want to cut ties, we like each other too much for that. We also agreed to not sleep together for a few months. Also due to a medical condition; but a few months of just getting to know each other properly feels like a healthy move.

Honestly, I'm a tad dissapointed in myself that I haven't gotten back up on the horse. I've been drinking daily but haven't watched porn in a few days. It surprised me how difficult it is for me to start up this diary again. I'm going to try and make this a priority.

@Matt S, you're right man. I AM all over the place. I'll try to quiet down a little bit, simplifying things sounds nice. It's proper advice. Thanks man. I took your advice about the relationship search and cut it down to 1 person I'll be seeing casually. I need to find peace with myself first. I tend to use dating and flirting as a way to run away from my problems. I need to face them. It's cool man, it's a proper wake up call. I think I needed somebody putting me in my place. I'm good with taking on my problems, but I tend to not take them one at a time. I tend to do everything all at once and wonder why I can't do even more.

I'm going to go and celebrate Christmas Eve now. I made another cheese cake. It might turn out to be a horrible night but it's where I'm supposed to be. With family. Despite my mom being there. 

Nice.  Take some time and see if you can work on something with your mom.  I just moved home and I feel so much better.  I actually got some sleep last night.  Keep narrowing stuff out, but don't eliminate everything from your life either.  Just make an outsider approach and stick to the path that is the most broad for you to follow.

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I survived Christmas Eve.

I had bought a couple of them presents, but not all family members. Just the ones I'm close with. But it was a rather akward evening. My mom and her boyfriend say and do tactless things and you can feel the ripple of awkward pass through the room. My aunt brought her boyfriend, there's lots of history there. My lovely niece hates him and was appalled he just showed up to a family event. I tried not instigating anything. I drank, talked to my niece mainly and fiddled with my phone. I brought a flask too. I texted a friend or two and spent time on Twitter. My presents were appreciated and my cheesecake celebrated. But I'm happy it's all over. 

I now realize that it's fucking me up, the realization that both my parents are alive but neither care enough about me to be interested in my life and who I am and what choices I make. I have a friend who's being very supportive and kind and I notice I'll just about explode out of love for her. It's as if I'm starved for love. I often feel lonely lately. There's lots of people I see or speak to, but I still feel lonely. There's no substitution for your parents.

I don't really know how I'm going to try and gather myself the next couple of days. My first reflex would be to have some kind of daily goal? And also try to not watch porn. And keep an eye on my mental health while figuring out this knot I find myself in. I guess I'll try to figure that out tomorrow, what my plan of attack will be. And if I even need one in the first place. Maybe I'll learn tomorrow that I just need to take things one day at a time. We'll see.

 

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Days without games & porn: 1

Today in a nutshell: I spent the whole day at home, watching Marvel movies, eating leftovers. My friend Laura dropped by and I told her about how I've been feeling, how lonely I have been feeling and about the mess in my head. It was lovely to have her over. I made her tea and fed her some of my cheesecake. She told me about her Christmas Eve too. The conversation went so fluidly, I found myself energized afterwards. I thanked her deeply for being such a kind friend. I apologized for sometimes flirting with her and also kissing her and explained that when I'm happy or love somebody, I tend to express that in physical ways. I'm not at all used to being close with somebody and it not being at the  very least a little bit sexual. She understood. I'm still a tad worried she has feelings for me and the kiss we had might bite us in the ass. But she assured me she realizes I don't feel that way about her, wants to preserve the friendship and wants to see me happy. I'm excited to see this become a proper friendship.

Cat's out of the bag. I'm dating somebody now, called 'Elien'. I agreed with her to drop all of the other girls I had floating around. But I also made it clear I need lots of space and want to take things slow. There's also a medical condition involved on her side so we won't be able to have sex for a while. It feels like a healthy boundary for two impulsive people. I told her about my background, my struggles, my career and my ambitions. We've been texting non-stop. She's told me about her volunteering, her degree in psychology and her job, her new-found love for D&D and her manipulative ex, her trip to Peru and her warm and loving family. I didn't expect it, but she seems actually nice and kind. I wanted to keep it under wraps or keep her at a distance but she was véry respectful, open and very easy to open up to. I'm actually a bit excited to see where this might be going.

I spent the better part of the evening cleaning. After Laura came by I had new energy, but I also watched Civil War and Infinity War 😛 I tried starting up my budget spreadsheet but got overwhelmed by the sheer amount of numbers. I have work tomorrow and the day after. I'll probably just do it at the office seeing as everybody will be gone for the holidays. I'll be using this dairy to track my budget efforts as a way to keep my hazy ass in check.

Highlight of the day: the boost of energy I felt after I poured my heart out to Laura. I felt like my internal reactor had just started up again.

Budget status: Chrysalis.

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and get a base document together for my budgeting.

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Nice.  I still have the same struggles you do with physical acts of affection when you just want a hug or something lol.  I totally understand that neglect feeling as well.  This is the time for you to build your emotional network around you and learn what your emotions mean.  Study how you've acted and reached out to these women and then see if you notice that you are lacking something else.  Maybe at night you just want a hug and comfort before bed to calm you down, or just to have someone appreciate who you are and stuff.  It's a really long journey and sometimes you don't even know what you're looking for until you randomly experience it one day.

Matt

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