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Phoenixking

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Day 45

I'm halfway. Holy shit. So much has happened in 45 days. I started quitting one bad habit after another, started picking up new good habits. And then I broke up with my manipulative ex. I moved out and started living by myself. I started looking for a job counselor and ways to improve my career. I started minding my food more and seeing my friends and family more. I signed up for improv and krav maga. I love where I live now.

But I have also relapsed and watched porn after about a week. I have collapsed a few times. I have been drunk, sick, high, ... I have ended up in the bed of one girl, only to find myself in the bed of my ex the very same day. The former won't talk to me anymore, the latter won't leave me alone.

I have called friends and family members to my aid. I have learned that I set my bar vééééry high and that I set myself up for failure. I have goals I am not able to achieve and am yet to change that part of me. I have learned that I am recovering from a lot of things, all at the same time and that I still expect myself to take shit in stride. 

 

Today I survived work. It was very busy. I almost didn't eat. The guilt was gnawing at me and the sleep deprivation was also a factor. Thank heavens I have a day off tomorrow.

After work I went to see my podcast friends. We agreed to start podcasting again and I am véry excited about that. 

I'm still reeling from last weekend. But if this forum has taught me one thing, it's that it's more important to get back up when you fall than to wallow in it all. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had a blast with my podcast friends.

Body/health

Very tired. But not hungry.

Mind/soul

Sad that I lost a great presence, the kindergarten teacher sent me a text that she won't see me again. I truly understand. But it still sucks. I feel bad for dragging her into this mess.

What progress did I make today?

I did not set any goals for the day and just took it an hour at a time.

What went well today:

Surviving work. Asking my sister for help, to see if the goals I set are realistic or not.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat more veggies & fruit and go to the store for groceries

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sleep. And try to work through my chores/ to do list and try to not pressure myself so much.

Goals:

Don't do anything stupid. Go see a band with my niece in the evening. Recover from all of this mess.

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Day 46

My voice is still raspy. I feel like it's a bit of a symbol of me crawling back up after last weekend.

I am starting all over again it seems. I can't bring myself to do anything I set out to do 40 days ago. I crashed because of the amount of pressure I put on myself. So I'm resetting that. Right now, I don't HAVE to do anything. I'm trying to keep up the gratitude journal and this journal. I've slowly let go of everything else for now.

I have Krav Maga tomorrow. It's been postponed twice because of the weather so I've sent the organization a mail. If I don't get to finally work out tomorrow, I just going to go running. 

I haven't been keeping up with my physical exercises that my physical therapist gave me. I hope he'll be cool about it. I started out as one of his most promising patients. 

The show I went to see with my niece was great. There were a tad too many teenage girls there. The front man is kind of cute and the success has clearly given him a big ego boost. I'd be the same in his shoes so I get it. But it just had a bit of a bad aftertaste here and there. The music was divine though. I'm véry happy I went to see them. It's a huge band that performs for thousands normally. Because I keep an eye on their Instagram, I scored one of the 100 tickets of this exclusive try-out. Totally worth the 30 bucks.

I'm also getting more into photography. I went to an exhibit today about Korda; the famous portrait of Che Guevara? That was his. I truly enjoyed it all. 

But I also did a bad thing again. I have trouble letting my mind become quiet. I tend to distract myself often with music or Netflix or podcasts. I haven't started meditating again yet. Oddly enough because of my anxiety. I spent Sunday night at the ex's fucking so I only had a few hours of sleep. Monday evening I went to D&D with my friends after telling the kindergarten teacher that there's an ex and that I had spent the night. So I was home rather late that night too. I wanted some relief and a proper night's rest. I had the day off today... So I took a pill. I'm not fully sure what it was, but I think it's Dopamine. A Czech ex of mine once traded it for my Ritalin (another drug I had 'acquired'). It's no habit of mine at all, but some pills are useful from time to time. In this instance, it was a bad idea. Either that shit went bed from lying in my closet for 2 years, or I'm too physically frail nowadays or whatever else happened, but it hit me hard. Harder that it was supposed to. I was super groggy. At the exhibit, I was swaying back and forth and had to lean and sit down a lot. 

In a way this feels like rock bottom. But in another way it seems like I keep sending my own demons towards me, right in my face, whilst at the same time singing that I'll never die. 

Thank fuck, I have Krav Maga tomorrow. I can use a bit of channeled anger.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The concert was amazing! And I took some killer pictures. I always seem to be a bit more cheery whenever I make a good picture.

Body/health

Groggy because of the drugs. But I rallied when I felt the bass of the music through my body.

Mind/soul

Seeing the exhibit and the concert really made me realize that I'm a performer, a show man, an artist. I miss being on stage. And also, suddenly every song sounds like it's about love, new love or an ex. I hope that mind trickery soon stops.

What progress did I make today?

I went outside to do nice and fun things and made sure I ate. I also tried resetting the pressure I put on myself.

What went well today:

Going outside and feeding my artist's soul. Calling my sister for help when I wanted to talk to the ex again. I remembered to take out the trash.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Not take that goddamned pill. I threw the rest of the baggie in the trash.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Enjoy Krav Maga and put my all into it!

Goals:

Don't do anything stupid. Survive work. Don't stress out too much. Eat properly. Enjoy the Krav Maga or go running if it gets cancelled. Don't overexert myself.

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That ceiling is great. I kind of replied on my thread, but I really want to reiterate that you've made a lot of progress recently.  Just don't forget how you feel when it really counts.  Ask yourself before you're about to do something you don't think is a good idea if it's worth it.  If you sleep with your ex, then how will you feel for the next month?  Don't forget your true self and keep going.  

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Having read only some of the first and last entries in this diary I might not see the whole picture. But I do want to say that I am genuinely impressed with your efforts. You might not be doing as well as you had hoped when you set out, but you are definately making progress. Though you fall through and disappoint yourself through a fraction of your actions you can keep in mind that you are facing hardships much harder than the average gaming or porn addict. Breaking up with someone who has become part of you and your daily life is not easily done. It cant be done through a single action, but through continouos actions over an extended period of time. It goes against so many defence mechanisms in our body. Even though we try to convince ourselves of the opposite, we are NOT logical creatures. Our feelings and subconscious is constantly fighting with everything they got, trying to make us betray our better jugdement and instead go for the easy way out. We are bound to fail from time to time, but your persistance and refusal to give up is truly an inspiration. I will definately be following this diary, since reading about your great efforts without a doubt will help me in my own development.

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

That ceiling is great. I kind of replied on my thread, but I really want to reiterate that you've made a lot of progress recently.  Just don't forget how you feel when it really counts.  Ask yourself before you're about to do something you don't think is a good idea if it's worth it.  If you sleep with your ex, then how will you feel for the next month?  Don't forget your true self and keep going.  

I'm really going to try and keep my true self in mind, man. As I said on your thread, that one hit home. I pressure myself a lot and don't give myself enough credit for my efforts and self-love. I feel like trying to get into a healthy relationship with that True Self is a step in the good direction. Thank you for setting me on a good path. 

And you have no idea how good it feels to, even if you're a random internet stranger, know that there's somebody out there that has my back.

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10 hours ago, Timegainer said:

Having read only some of the first and last entries in this diary I might not see the whole picture. But I do want to say that I am genuinely impressed with your efforts. You might not be doing as well as you had hoped when you set out, but you are definately making progress. Though you fall through and disappoint yourself through a fraction of your actions you can keep in mind that you are facing hardships much harder than the average gaming or porn addict. Breaking up with someone who has become part of you and your daily life is not easily done. It cant be done through a single action, but through continouos actions over an extended period of time. It goes against so many defence mechanisms in our body. Even though we try to convince ourselves of the opposite, we are NOT logical creatures. Our feelings and subconscious is constantly fighting with everything they got, trying to make us betray our better jugdement and instead go for the easy way out. We are bound to fail from time to time, but your persistance and refusal to give up is truly an inspiration. I will definately be following this diary, since reading about your great efforts without a doubt will help me in my own development.

Well, buckle in. I'm a tad dramatic but I think I write in a bit of an idiosyncratic, funny way. Knock yourself out. I have pulled some weird shit in the last 2 months. 

Seriously, though. Your words truly humble me. I feel like I should print these out when my 90 days are over and create some sort of artwork or collage. 

Thank you. ? If there is every anything I could do for you, just name it. I keep getting pulled through dark days because of this forum. I would enjoy nothing more that repaying the service and paying it forward.

 

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Day 47

I didn't sleep very well. I'm not sure why. I still fall asleep with Netflix instead of my previous ritual. I used to meditate, read my book and then fall asleep. Nowadays, my brain is so full of different things; it makes me anxious to deal with them. I know that I should approach it with some calmness rather than numb it with Netflix. But for now, this is okay. I know what the better option is. I have faith that I'll take it when I feel like I must. I'm trying to to pressure myself too much. I was doing very well for a while and it kind of imploded. So whenever I start a new habit now, I try to make sure I truly want and enjoy it. That way it lasts and it feels less like a chore or something that requires mental energy and discipline: two things that I sorely lack and thus require extra effort to produce.

Work was incredibly stressful. I have an international manager coming over next week to audit my section of the firm. There's about 10-15 engineers and just little old me to do their paperwork, send and receive packages and repairs from clients, and so on. I literally have 6 inboxes open at all times. Véry stressful. On the bright side, time flies by and I'm not bored ? The job itself is still rather unfulfilling. But I guess this is as close as I'll get to being challenged by it. 

So obviously I needed to unwind after work. I came home, dropped my ass on my lovely couch (still véry in love with it) and watched some Netflix with a beer. It turned into an hour and two beers. After that I went grocery shopping. Before I went in, I got a text from a friend of the ex's. She had told about us sleeping together and said friend was mad at me. I'll spare you the details, but there's obviously a lot more nuance and complex emotion going on and I'm not the type of dude to manipulate or push a woman into having sex with me. She's a good friend for wanting to stick up for her friend. But the situation was difficult enough as it was. I didn't need the beef. I spent about 30 minutes in the car, texting her. In the end, I just got some basics. I didn't have the time or energy anymore to actually buy food with dishes, recipes and planning in mind. I let go of the pressure of wanting to properly buy and plan my healthy meals. I'll figure it out along the way, I guess.

After that, I was so distraught, I had to do something. So I ran. I got on my running shoes, said 'fuck you' to my injuries that I'm in physical therapy for and just went for it. I figured, if I'm going to be a bit self-destructive, at least do something kind of okay? I could have gone for the ex again, drank too much beers or worse. But I ran. 

And. It. Felt. Gooooood!

Krav Maga had been canceled again due to the weather and I really needed some sporty time! I have amazing running shoes and some good music. "Die Antwoord". Big fan! I didn't time it or check how far I went. I just went to the park, started jogging a bit and just lost myself in the music. And every time the music picked up, so did I! I ended up sprinting the living hell out of myself. But I was so happy, proud and a little bit high. My stress had been relieved.

Obviously, everything hurts now ? I totally overexerted myself. But I missed running and next time I see my therapist, I'm going to ask him all about my options. I enjoy it thoroughly more than my boring exercises. But I can't afford to fuck up my knees. It'll hurt tomorrow for sure. But it will be worth it.

And now I'm here. Home again. There's still about 1000 things to do. But fuck it. I clearly didn't get any further worrying over them. So I try not to. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The running felt amazing. I missed being so fast. It felt like the old me. Like I was The Flash.

Body/health

Food situation is okay at best. Not bad. But not where I want to be yet. Also, my legs will hurt like a bitch in the morning. Worth it, though.

Mind/soul

The running totally improved my mood. I also try to fret less about things and learn to relax. Clearly that's important. But I also lose a lot of time. I guess with my crappy job and all of the challenges and obstacles, it's only normal I take enough time to chill out. I have accepted this. But there's still this fire burning in me that want to up the bar.

What progress did I make today?

Survived the day of work. Got groceries. Prepped the photo shoot for tomorrow.

What went well today:

Running!

What I could have done to make my day better:

I need to work on my mental managing and communicating with my True Self. I need to start having conversations with myself to figure out how I feel and why and stuff.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Juggle my responsibilities at work. Be productive but not stressed out.

Goals:

Don't do anything stupid. Survive work. Don't stress out too much. Eat properly. Nail the photo shoot at work and win that Polaroid with my creative pic! 

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 47

I didn't sleep very well. I'm not sure why. I still fall asleep with Netflix instead of my previous ritual. I used to meditate, read my book and then fall asleep. Nowadays, my brain is so full of different things; it makes me anxious to deal with them. I know that I should approach it with some calmness rather than numb it with Netflix. But for now, this is okay. I know

What I could have done to make my day better:

I need to work on my mental managing and communicating with my True Self. I need to start having conversations with myself to figure out how I feel and why and stuff.

 

What I've been talking to my yoga instructors about recently is the ability to recognize what your body is going through.  Trying to understand its energy.  Are you lacking energy or are you full of it?  Are you anxious or relaxed?  What helps during those situations to alleviate any tension or add some support to yourself?  Change up your routine before bed.  Draw a picture, plan your outfit for the next day, prepare your food and stuff, or just listen to mellow music in a dim lit room and move your head back and forth to get into a nice relaxing mood.  Meditation doesn't require pure concentration.  Sometimes a little atmospheric music or hangpan drum music can go a long way.

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19 hours ago, Matt S said:

What I've been talking to my yoga instructors about recently is the ability to recognize what your body is going through.  Trying to understand its energy.  Are you lacking energy or are you full of it?  Are you anxious or relaxed?  What helps during those situations to alleviate any tension or add some support to yourself?  Change up your routine before bed.  Draw a picture, plan your outfit for the next day, prepare your food and stuff, or just listen to mellow music in a dim lit room and move your head back and forth to get into a nice relaxing mood.  Meditation doesn't require pure concentration.  Sometimes a little atmospheric music or hangpan drum music can go a long way.

I think I'm just afraid of being alone with my thoughts. Is that weird? Or maybe I'm afraid of feeling alone? I just get this sense of dread when I think I have to crawl into bed when I'm still conscious and sober.

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Day 48

Work went better than yesterday. We're getting an audit on Monday and Tuesday, so I hope we pass the examination. Today was a bit more quiet so I was able to bring everything back to status quo. There will still be about 50 mails waiting for me. But for now, we're good.

I took the picture I wanted to. I'll have to do some photo-shopping but it turned out well, I feel. It will take some work, but I feel like I have a shot if I put some effort into it. I first set out to want to win the main prize: the top 3 get a modern Polaroid camera. But after today, I just wanted to do it for the fun. I loved dressing up my colleagues, prepping the shoot, finding the props, planning the shot, ... I miss movie sets and the life I had in the media. The exhilaration and the almost palpable creativity in the air. I guess I truly am a performer by nature. I'm happy that I'll be starting improv again soon. As it stand right now, I think I might truly lose myself in that passion and it might lead to more. Maybe one day I'll be able to properly make my profession out of it. Now that the ex is gone, I only have myself to live for. I used to be able to dedicate myself to my craft but once a girl comes into the mix, I suddenly have to actually think of money and a house later, and so on... I've never stopped to ask myself what I wanted for myself. Maybe a basic apartment but a fulfilling life is a right fit for me? I guess time will tell.

After that I had a few drinks with the colleagues, because FRIDAY!!!

I came home and did some errands. I wanted to take a little nap (because of the alcohol) before I started getting ready for the Glitter-party my friends wanted to go to. I was excited! But they work in retail and they were tired. Both had to work tomorrow too, so even though I was invited to come hang out at their house, they would have to leave in the morning. I didn't want to deal with all of that and decided to text a couple of friends. 

In the end, I stayed at home. First I was bummed out. 27, single and home alone on a Friday evening. LAME.

But there was this Netflix series, I ordered my favorite food  and there's this girl that I keep talking to. In the end, it was a quiet evening but it was okay. I didn't feel so bad. Quite the opposite ^^ It was nice. It felt like I had had a talk with my inner me and we both decided to just have a nice evening. Nothing crazy of amazing. Just nice. And that was enough.

I am trying to befriend myself and look out a bit more for myself. There's a long road to go. But I think I have taken a first step or two.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Taking the picture was fun and hilarious. It felt like the first time the true me was present at work. Creative, driven and caring. 

Body/health

My legs hurt a bit. I haven done my exercises in a week. Food situation is okay, though. I now have a blender and a couple of smoothie recipes. All I need now is groceries.

Mind/soul

I'm slowly recovering from last weekend. I'm still a bit of a mess. But less of a mess than last week.

What progress did I make today?

I stayed at home. Alone. And I was fine. I still feel anxious about going to bed. But this is a step in the right direction.

What went well today:

Gaining up on work stuff.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Still in need of more fruit and veggies and my to do list is looooooong nowadays.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Have fun and try to work off some of that long list.

Goals:

Go to a business meeting at 10:30 for coffee. This might be a freelancing opportunity or better. The rest of the day is a blank canvas. I'll try to do some stuff from the list but I won't pressure myself. Doing 1 thing might be enough, everything else is gravy ^^

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I think I'm just afraid of being alone with my thoughts. Is that weird? Or maybe I'm afraid of feeling alone? I just get this sense of dread when I think I have to crawl into bed when I'm still conscious and sober.

Get to know yourself a little bit.  It's naturally to be afraid of these thoughts.  They're powerful and real.  This is like dating yourself almost.  When you finally feel comfortable with yourself a little bit then you can start asking questions slowly.  What some of the reasons are for these things that are happening?  What would you like to change? But be supportive.  When you say what you'd like to change, then treat yourself like someone you really emotionally care about.  Be supportive and listen.  Understanding.  Don't be afraid of time with yourself.  Be patient and learn to appreciate yourself.

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Day 49

Waw. Day 49. I feel like it's flying by! It gives me a bit of anxiety because I feel there is still so much to do. I know I'm not supposed to have moved the world by day 90 but it seems like such a strange and mythical goal on the horizon.

Today, I started with a business meeting. I used to work, as a freelancer, for a communication company. They provide training and coaching for major companies. It was a pretty big deal. They're looking to expand and they like keeping me on their radar. Professionally, it was a good conversation. I think they're a good match for me but they raised some valid points. I'm an entertainer and not used to working with stiff folk like top tier managers. There's a few other things. It was just nice to feel valued. I can obviously do way more than what my current, boring, repetitive job demands. It was nice to be reminded of that and validated. Other than that, it was such a nice conversation, we kind of lost track of time. She's a fascinating woman in her fifties and she's done some killer things in the field or marketing. She's emotionally very experienced, an intelligent human being. Great way to start the morning. We talked about history, politics, ... I would LOVE to work for them. I would be happy. But it's a long way to go before we get there. They were talking about March 2019. Even if nothing comes out of it, I liked it.

After that I passed by the ex's house. I still had a book I needed to return. I decided that I would want all of my stuff back and I didn't want to hold something like a book she had asked for a couple of times just to spite her or something. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to see her and talk to her. I wanted to drop it in the mailbox. But I ended up seeing if she was home. I felt like last weekend needed to be talked about. Thank heavens she wasn't home. I thought it would have been a good idea to talk. It seemed like such an innocent thing. How could it damage, hurt of have any bad consequences? 

After that I went and washed my car and got some hair bands. I have a bald spot that drives me up the wall. I even posted on Reddit about it. Should I grow out my hair and cover it up with a man bun or something similar? Or go for some time of buzz cut? I'll get a hairdresser's appointment. In any case, I've been wanting to get some hair bands for a while.

After that I just sort of sat around. I have 1000 things on my to do list but I was kind of tired after all of that. I sat down, had some cookies, a beer and took a nap. 

I decided I needed to do something useful at home, like clean up. I started tidying up the place with a favorite movie of mine in the background: "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain". I got a text from my niece to hang out so I took a break after that. 

When I returned I finished up and kept watching the movie.
Today has taught me I am able to spend a useful and fulfilling day alone. And that it's all about perspective. When I look back at the day now, it's been a good day. A properly good day. Filled with beautiful things. But there were several times today that I just felt lost. Hence the beer and the nap. 

I have difficulties being alone. I tend to use my verbal skills to talk up girls, seduce them and spend my time allowing my happiness to be in the hands of others. I want to rebuild my relationship with myself. It starts with small things like not going out and just sitting on the couch by myself and being fine with that. I will try to not fall asleep with Netflix tonight. I miss romance, though. But there are so many other amazing things out there. It's high time I went out and looked for them ?

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Amélie Poulain brought me to tears a few times and also I started my day with a killer conversation that lasted for 3 hours. 

Body/health

My knee hurts a bit. I used to do group sports because I suck at discipline, but it's rather clear I need to make sure I don't accidentally seriously hurt myself by not exercising it the way my physical therapist taught me.

Mind/soul

In a constant state of flux. Swaying both towards the positive and the negative. Which is understandable, given the circumstances.

What progress did I make today?

Business meeting, cleaned the place up a bit, saw my niece skateboard for the first time, took my first steps towards finding peace in being alone.

What went well today:

From waking up to coming home in the afternoon. Everything felt like it had a use and was important. It was a productive day.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I didn't really eat properly. I need more veggies and fruits. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Have fun and try to work off some of that long list.

Goals:

Make a cake and vaccuum the place. I feel like that's the minimum.

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20 hours ago, Matt S said:

Get to know yourself a little bit.  It's naturally to be afraid of these thoughts.  They're powerful and real.  This is like dating yourself almost.  When you finally feel comfortable with yourself a little bit then you can start asking questions slowly.  What some of the reasons are for these things that are happening?  What would you like to change? But be supportive.  When you say what you'd like to change, then treat yourself like someone you really emotionally care about.  Be supportive and listen.  Understanding.  Don't be afraid of time with yourself.  Be patient and learn to appreciate yourself.

I can't thank you enough for insights like these.

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Day 50

Waw. Lots has happened today.

So, I didn't actually plan anything at all today. I told myself I wanted to tidy the place up and that I wanted to make a cake. I set my alarm to go groceries shopping first thing in the morning. I thought it might be a lazy day. But ooooh noooo... I cleaned the entire place! Vacuumed it, got on all fours to scrub, the whole shebang! On top of that, I made one killer of a cheesecake. I used to love eating these and now I'm able to make them myself! I'm very, very proud. I even dedicated it to this forum. I made a post about it here: 

Before I knew it, the day had flown by. Most of my chores were done, I had made a great meal, place smelled clean, cheesecake was chilling out in the fridge.

I sat down to chill out and have a beer and watch a movie. I tend to drink more. Almost daily. But it relaxes me. And it's just one beer! I think I read somewhere that a small amount of alcohol on a semi-daily basis can be healthy. 

It's like something had clicked inside of me. I can change what I don't like. And whatever I am not able to change, I'll just have to accept it. I can choose to view it from a positive angle of a negative angle. That is up to me. But it won't change anything. Might as wel choose the positive side then. Way more benefits. It'd be silly to choose the other.

I still have a long way to go. But there are clearly good things coming my way.

And that's when the phone rang...

It was the ex. I still care for her so I picked up. I had blocked her number a while back but since last weekend, when I had spent the night, I had unblocked it. The conversation took about 2 hours. I realize now that, even though I care and she cares, we're clearly not good for each other. She can't get me the happiness and peace I need. I have to do that myself. I stood my ground. Not always, but more than I did in the past. She was doing that thing she does. Changing words, flipping views around. She's slippery. She was going to hold back money she owed me, to make sure that I didn't pawn her tickets for Disneyland. Preposterous. Love is complicated and difficult. It's harsh but she's slowing down my progress. I hope she stops bugging me soon.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Mother. Fucking. CHEESECAKE!!! It is soooo tasty!

Body/health

Fine. I ate steak, veggies and some mashed potatoes. I bought carrots, ginger and apples and oranges and lots of healthy stuff to put in my new blender.

Mind/soul

A bit more at peace. It's clear to me now that I'm actually gravitating naturally towards stuff that needs doing. I can give myself a blank slate and I'll make something nice of the day. It's cool to be able to trust myself like this and let go. Pressuring myself less feels great.

What progress did I make today?

Cleaned the entire place. Held my ground against the ex. Listened to my inner self and just gave myself what I thought I needed.

What went well today:

From waking up to going to sleep. Everything felt like it had a use and was important. It was a productive day. But also a relaxing day. Until the ex called. But I'll meditate and read and I'll be fine.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Today was pretty goddamn okay. I should have done my exercises though. I had time. But other things kept happening and I just went with it.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I'm meeting my friend. He has a tendency to be a tad brutish in terms of feelings. I'll need some mental preparation to be able to face him, I feel.

Goals:

Survive work. Eat something healthy. Face my judgy friend.

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Day 51

Not your average Monday!

Work was okay. I was swamped so time went by very quickly. Two new colleagues. My closest coworker is starting to develop feelings for a friend of hers. A Brazillian colleague is visiting for the week. Fun day as far as boring shit goes.

After work, I sped to get some stuff arranged and get some chores done. I hopped in the shower and was ready to see my friend. I was worried that he might be judgy but in the end it was all very fine. He's a cool dude and we just hung out and had fun.
We ended up going to an Irish Pub and invited some friends of ours. I missed them. I had spent a full year being obsessed by the ex. Finally getting back together with my friends felt amazing. I feel a bit guilty for leaving them, but they laughed it off. I'm so fucking lucky.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The cheesecake is still amazing. So were the food and the drinks. Chicken Goujons, proper Single Malt Whiskey, all you can eat ribs... 

Body/health

Haven't been doing my exercises for a while now. There will be hell to pay soon. But for now, we're all good. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mind/soul

"The subtle art of not giving a fuck" came in today. I feel like I'm genuinely trying to be a more happy and positive person.

What progress did I make today?

Survived work and was able to do lots of productive shit before I had to go out with my friends.

What went well today:

Work flew by. I took care of myself in terms of food and preparation. I'm proud of myself actually. I hope I can maintain this for a long time!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Think less about the ex and what makes me feel sad and guilty.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Look forward to Krav Maga and the rest of the fun week. I have a day and a half off in the middle of the week. Yay!

Goals:

Survive work. Eat healthy shit. Survive Krav Maga.

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Day 52

I am feeling goooood today!

My copy of "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" came in yesterday. I could not stop myself from reading it. Great book!

I just came home from Krav Maga. OMFG, that shit is fuuuun! I'm totally going to sign up for real. I'm sore but the good kind of sore.

I'm so happy I'm finally pouring energy and time into things like these. I truly feel like I'm turning over a new leaf.

Work was meh, today. 2 new colleagues started and they're pretty fun dudes. 

I'm making an effort not to pressure myself too much and just have confidence in the fact that I'll be able to handle shit when it comes up.

It's like I'm developing faith in myself.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Krav Maga was great. It was also the first time in a while that I showered in a group. Felt nice to kick ass and have my ass kicked. 

Body/health

I'll be sore tomorrow, but the kind of sore that makes you proud you worked out. Food wise, we're good. The new blender helps me get more veggies and fruits in my diet.

Mind/soul

Okay ^^ I'm happy! Fun things to do, cool new hobbies, I feel like I'm starting this whole new type of life!

What progress did I make today?

Survived work. Went to Krav Maga. Didn't stress myself out. I guess I just managed to get through the day without driving my ass nuts.

What went well today:

The basics. Waking up, food, cleanliness, the whole routine felt natural. I used to have major issues with structure.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I had a bit of a hangover. I have a new rule: I can drink whatever I want, whenever I want, as long as I don't get drunk. Tipsy is more fun anyway. But I don't always seem to abide by it.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Not drink too much. So drinking is fine but I don't want to be drunk, just tipsy.

Goals:

Mind what I eat and drink. Survive work. Visit friend number 1 for his birthday, go help out friend number 2 for his birthday party I'm helping out at. Don't do anything stupid and promiscuous with girls (unless my friend who watches over me says it's okay). Get tipsy but not drunk. Be sober enough to drive home because I have an appointment with my physical therapist in the morning.

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Day 53

I took half a day off today. And tomorrow. My boss was a little bit pissy but I hate the job anyway so I don't care about her opinion. My new book is telling me to not give a fuck ?

I had to race home, dress up a bit, eat and leave. I had 2 birthdays to attend. 1 surprise barbecue for the friend that helped me move out and escape the ex. It took lots of prepping and secret messages. It's been in the works for months. But then friend number 2 invited me for his birthday party the same night. We've been friends since kindergarten and he's in the improv group I'll be joining soon. I had to make a choice and I hated it. So I rushed at double speed to see him for about an hour before I had to leave for the barbecue.

When I hung out with him it suddenly struck him how simple he had become. His concerns weren't as existential as mine. He talked about annoying colleagues, his trip to the USA, his grandparents. I, however, talked about discovering myself, the drama with the ex, the secret barbecue for my friend, starting up a podcast again, doing Krav Maga, cooking, ... It felt like I had a bit more of an exciting life. He's not like me so I don't think he's like a life like that. But I just suddenly felt this new difference between me and him. He's got a degree, a girlfriend, a loving family. It made me feel like he's settling into some kind of comfortable life where he has everything he needs. I am in the middle of so many new changes, discoveries and challenges. I couldn't help but wonder if I would be satisfied like he seemed one day. There's always something inside of me, a fiery flame, burning and raging, yearning for new things. I have always had a love-hate-relationship with it. It's what pushes me, what helps me write and perform and look for adventure. But it's also in the way of me achieving inner peace.

The barbecue was fun but the place was dirty as fuck. I love those two amazing people, but they have 3 dogs and their messes are everywhere. I helped out, of course. Cleaned the tables, set up food and drinks, ... But there was fur everywhere. I'm not at all a dog person. I was grossed out for a bit. There was shit being shoveled in the garden and 5 minutes later they were taking pictures with the dogs. I honestly couldn't understand what the big deal was with those little slobbering monsters. 

The party was fun. In the beginning it was just fun. Nothing crazy. Beers, food and chilltime. Suddenly another mate came by and he had just returned from the Kilimanjaro. He had climbed it, and travelled through Africa for 3,5 weeks. The stories he had!! Waw! It sparked my sense of wonder and challenge. I hope I could maybe one day do something similar. Maybe, in a couple of months when I'm all settled in here and everything is nice and stable, I could start saving up for a big crazy trip like that. I'd love to trek through Japan, maybe...

I also talked to some friend who are into psychology and philosophy and some spiritual enlightenment about quitting porn and games, what it did to my brain, and so on... I live for great discussions like these. That was the cherry to the cake. It made me feel like I have taken good steps in a proper direction. 

After that, I drove home and went to bed. Not drunk, just a tad tipsy. Just as I had promised myself ^^

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Friend came back from casually travelling through Africa. His stories were great!

Body/health

Krav Maga made me sore. Running earlier this week went okay-ish. Food is healthy enough, compared to my past. Right now, it's okay. Not great; but just okay. And that's perfectly fine.

Mind/soul

Still happy. There are urges. Something I think of porn, sometimes I think of the ex or the kindergarten teacher girl I dated and screwed over. I still feel really bad. But overall, it's the most stable I've felt since I started this journal.

What progress did I make today?

Survived work. Enjoyed my friends and the party. Acted responsibly. At the party, I just was myself and joked around and talked about that I found interesting. I didn't give a fuck about thinking about people's opinions of me or being bashful. I just dove into the fun!

What went well today:

Going from place to place without dropping a single ball. Pressuring myself less and less clearly yields more resulst.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I'm not sure really. Nothing specific comes to mind.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Catch up on some chores that really need doing.

Goals:

Go see my physical therapist. Have a relaxing day of me-time but also do some stuff from the to-do list.

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Day 54

Today feels like it was a bit of a lazy day. But that's only because I put pressure on myself and it's always too much. It's not like there was anything truly important. Just stuff.

I started with my appointment with the physical therapist. I haven't been doing my exercises. So we looked at my running technique. I get to go running again now! Only 10 minutes at a time. And 5 of those must be spent running on the front parts of my feet. But he's happy and so am I. Krav Maga will start by the end of the month. And I'm diving into making healthy and filling smoothies in the morning. As far as taking care of my body goes, I've laid a proper foundation.

I spent the better part of the afternoon chilling out. I made dinner and prepped my lunch. I went to see my guitarist friend perform and hung out with some long lost friends. I started listening to Twenty One Pilots and the Art Of Charm podcast. 

The local police showed up to check up on the paperwork of me moving. Where I live, the cops have to come and verify if you've actually moved. So I'm now an official resident of my city! Yay!!!

I also called the ex. There are two payments she owes me and I've been missing my hammer and nails. I think I left them at her place. The money should come in by tomorrow, Monday or next Tuesday. After that, I feel like I can end the chapter. She owes me just over 3 numbers. So that's enough to not ghost her, from my view. She talked mainly about how she was hospitalized and how I couldn't be reached. I decided to bite my tongue instead of hers and swallowed the urge to tell her that I'm not longer a person she could call in an actual emergency. Of course, I would help her if it truly mattered. I'm still a decent human being. But she has friends and family she can call if need be. It just felt like a misplaced way for her to try and gain sympathy by making me feel guilty or whatever. As soon as I have my money, I'm blocking her number again and will try and focus on my new life.

I feel happy nowadays. It's been a couple of days like this. I've been actually happy for a few days. How amazing is that? 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Saw my friend perform. Cops went by and I'm now an official citizen.

Body/health

Running, Krav maga and healthy smoothies in the morning should give me a nice upgrade in a couple of months. Maybe less belly, more muscles? More energy and spirit? We'll see!

Mind/soul

I'm doing fine. And I'm very happy with that. I still have a long way to go, though. But very happy with where I stand right now.

What progress did I make today?

Cops showed up. I handled the money situation with the ex. I started working on my little photoshop project. Made good food for tonight and tomorrow and then some.

What went well today:

Cooking! The pasta sauce is the shit! 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Less Netflix and Youtube, honestly. Then again, I had day off and had planned on using it to recover from a hangover so whatevs.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Let go of absolutely everything. I'm going to a silent disco with a friend and I'm eager to not think for a few hours and just dance and celebrate life.

Goals:

Survive work. Start the day with a smoothie. Maybe throw in a little chore? Go out and dance my sneakers off!

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Day 55

Work was véry busy. My 2 days off really made stuff accumulate. But that made time fly by quickly. I started my day off with a smoothie, I had prepped my lunch, some pasta with great sauce I had made and I brought along some crackers and cream cheese. I'm really learning how to healthily take care of my body. The smoothie provides sugars to wake my ass up, the yoghurt in it gets my body protein and I should still add some nuts or something like that. The crackers are there for some carbs and to trick my stomach into feeling full. I hate feeling hungry.

When work was done, I rushed home. I had a final meeting with job coach number 4. Spoiler alert, it was meh. I also rushed home because it was weekend. I felt like dancing my ass off! I kept listening to Twenty One Pilots. I'm really getting into them lately. Especially "Nico and the niners". I was dancing all the way through the hallway of my building with my earbuds in.

Then the ex called...

She suddenly came up with this whole mess of a conversation. She was supposed to pay me back a hefty sum. She'd been procrastinating. Using the whole spiel as an excuse to stay in touch with me. It drove me crazy because she's a horrible liar but tries to mess with my anyway. When you call her out on the bullshit, she remains adamant. It's infuriating. Enraging. Every time she's close to paying up, something suddenly pops up. Some bullshit excuse, some long lost bank statement claiming I owe hér money and thus she feels it's fair to substract it from what she owed me. I was livid. 

I don't really get angry often. I get frustrated or pissed off. But I don't get angry anymore. The last time was more than a year ago. When I get angry, I lose control and my most nasty side comes out. It's usually buried under self-control and past experiences. Because when I get angry, I don't get physical, I get psychological. I turn, just for a few minutes, into a raging psychopath. My acting, improv and knowledge of the human mind all combine with what I know about that person and what they are afraid of or insecure about. I am able to turn somebody into a snivelling mess of a person within minutes. But after the rage subsides, I suddenly realize what I've done to that person. And once you've broken them like that, they're no taking it back. I regret this rage but it's rare that it actually comes out. But when it does, it's a hurricane.

I was screaming into the phone. She was driving me mad. I screamed that I had given her one of the best years of my life. I went out after that.

I had half a mind to call her up or go and see her. I wanted to tell her I had already slept with 2 people. I would dead pan it. That I had gotten drunk and high and that it had happened in the same weekend as when I hooked up with her herself. I would say they were a better fuck, a better kisser, looser and funnier, less stressed and waaay skinnier. I would look her straight in the eye and tell her that I was always displeased with how she looked and how much she weighed and that I was a little bit embarassed in the beginning to introduce her to my friends because they would tease me that I had fallen for a fat girl. And then I would top it all off to really hit the sweet spot of hurtfulness: I would tell her that all of it a lie. And then I would say it wasn't. That both were perfectly possible and that she will never hear the absolute truth from me. I would say that I'm a capable actor and very angry, I could have just come up with all of that and delivered the lines perfectly. But that I'm also a fucked up person with a very flirty personality, so it's also rather likely that it's all true. But she'll never know and the not knowing will drive her crazy. Every time she'd imagine me, she'd be wondering if I thought she was beautiful or not, if I had already slept with two other women or not. 

It's not the insults that would devastate her. But she would destroy herself. I would just give her the rope and she'd willingly hang herself.

I know it sounds horrible. I just needed to vent. I didn't do it. I don't want to give her the proof that she has that substantial of an impact on my mood. But it was tempting to rip into her.

I went out to go dancing but we never got out of the bar. We just kept talking. I hadn't seen my friends for about a year. They're nice people. I keep inviting people to the party next month. I feel like it might be turning a bit bigger than I intended ? 

I went home with a few cocktails in my body, a tad buzzed. Biking home in the cold rain. Fell asleep with some Netflix because, if left to my own deviced, the anger from the phone call would bubble up again. 

She just needs to pay me what she owes me. It's 1500 and she's only going to pay 1200. Honestly? I'm just going to take the money. The 300 is not worth my mental health. The cunniving little thief can just take the money and choke on it. If this means I never have to speak to hear again, it's a price I'm willing to pay.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Absolutely addicted to 'Nico and the niners' from Twenty One Pilots

Body/health

Had I known that I wouldn't go dancing, I would have gone for a run. But there will most likely be dancing tonight, so no worries!

Mind/soul

Angry. As soon as I see the payments, I'm ghosting that woman. It's rare, but I truly hate her now. I just want it all to be over.

What progress did I make today?

Morning ritual is becoming healthier and healthier. I hope I can cement this good new habit.

What went well today:

Work went okay. And hanging out with my friends. I feel like I'm more social. The Art Of Charm is a great podcast!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Ignore the ex or deal with her with more apathy.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to get over the anger. Let it go. Somehow.

Goals:

Dance my ass of tonight. Have a lazy morning but a productive afternoon.

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Day 56

Bit of a mixed bag today. I pulled a muscle ?

I woke up and had my lovely lazy morning. Waking up slowly. Oatmeal, coffee, banana. I was going to go and run and have a productive afternoon and then go dancing.

As soon as I was finalizing my run, I started to sprint. I love the speed, the rush, pushing my limits... But I overdid it. Maybe I didn't stretch enough, maybe I was asking too much of my body. But I pulled something. And it hurt like hell! Barely even able to walk.

I took a shower and decided to buy lunch next door. There's a deli that does great sandwiches. It hurt like motherfucker. I had to lie down, elevate my leg, put ice on it. After an hour or two it started to become bearable. I cancelled my plans and realized I'd be couchridden for the rest of the day. And also no running or physical crazy activities for a couple of days.

I did do some chores I had planned, but I wasn't able to go outside or visit my family, no groceries were bought, ... I did make dinner and cleaned the place up a bit. But it hurt.

I HATE sitting down when I should be doing other things...

In the end I had read all of Respawn. Yay! Finished the book! Now I'm going to do the 90 days of detox and probably do The Challenge when I feel ready. Right now, I'm also going through 'The suble art of not giving a fuck'.

I messaged my new jobcoach and I'll be seeing her in two weeks. I guess with the new hobbies and this new job search, the coming months will be crazy. On top of that, an improv buddy of mine has asked me to be his D&D DM! I was so honored. He's got a starter box at home. Combine that with my librarian-esque knowledge of the rules and bard-like skills of storytelling, and you've got yourself one dedicated DM!

Things might get super busy. But it's like my life is filled to the brim with all these great things to look forward to. I can't believe it's only been 56 days. What a turnaround.µ

On the less bright side, I binged Seven Deadly Sins today instead of working on my photoshop project. A little voice in my head told me that now that my leg won't work anymore, I get to sit down and chill out. I totally procrastinated the one thing that actually requires work: photoshopping and editing the picture I took for that company competition. I wanted to fiddle with it before I sent it out. But I hate shit like that. It always takes ages. Tedious work like that is the opposite of my style of creativity. I'm a sprinter, not a marathon runner.

I'll have to do it in the end, no matter what. Probably last minute. Hahaha, reminds me of how I got through high school. I do my best work under pressure and close to a deadline. I'm not going to scold myself all too much for this. Because I know I'm reliably unreliable. Creativity has always come to me in short, sharp bursts. I'm confident it'll come in due time.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I made my appointment with my job coach! I spent a day on the couch digging into Seven Deadly Sins and getting inspiration for the D&D campaign I might run. 

Body/health

The pulled muscle hurted like a bitch. I was close to actually making sounds of pain. 7/10 on a pain scale. But it died down. I overdid myself. Foodwise, we're great. But I need groceries.

Mind/soul

I look forward to ending the chapter of the ex and beginning the chapter of me. 

What progress did I make today?

Went for a run, cleaned up the place, made food, got an appointment with my coach, some other odds and ends.

What went well today:

Chilling out and not going crazy about it. Well, not too crazy. Also, I have tried letting go of my anger. I hope I'll just receive the ex's payments and I'll be done with her forever.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Stretch!!! Don't use Netflix to procrastinate. I had to reset my PC, so I lost the app that limited my time on Netflix.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Get the app back. Mind my body. Get the chores done I could not do today. No procrastinating.

Goals:

Make a great podcast episode! Also, visit family, drop off laundry, do groceries, ...

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Day 57

I started my day off great. A smoothie with frozen berries, some Netflix and some oatmeal. Not long after that I headed to my family, dropped off my laundry, saw my grandparents and came home to clean up the place a bit. It wasn't all very adventurous or exciting. But it doesn't have to be. 

Then the podcast episode started! Great, fun times! A Belgian D&D podcast! There is no such thing right now, but we'll be releasing our first episode in a few weeks. I hope it brings people some entertainment and a cool story. I'm proud of it in any case. The DM and the crew do a great job. I'm just there for the acting and the jokes ?

We had to cut it short because of one of the cast member getting unwell. Poor girl had severe migraines from time to time. I felt for her.

We had to call it quits and I rode my bike home in the rain. After that I arranged my planning for the week, made a grocery list and had dinner. Now I'm cracking open a beer, watching some Netflix after I read another chapter of "The subtle art of not giving a fuck". I'm totally binging on Seven Deadly Sins. It's great!

A part of me is worried that I might be spending too much time on Netflix. But because of my pulled muscle I kind of have to sit down. It's rare that I have actual hours of spare time to watch shows I like. So I'm trying not to worry about it. I have learned that if I let go, I gravitate towards my goals and chores naturally. So if Netflix is an issue, i'll just set up an app again that limits my time.

Same goes for my photoshopping project. I still keep procrastinating. I even had a dream about that comment I made in my previous post here. About high school. I dreamt I was cheating on a test and got busted for it. I wonder if it's a premonition. 

I hate photoshopping though. We'll just see what happens. Worst case scenario, I'll just work at night like I used to. I know that doesn't sound like a great idea. But my inner artist is a night owl. I've done some of my most creative work at night. I can be truly brilliant. But if I plan a day of writing, the largest part of it goes into me getting into the right mood. After that, my shit is golden.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The podcast episode went great! We're starting to hit our stride now.

Body/health

The muscle has died down a bit but it does sting sometimes. I hope it's going to be okay by Thursday, that's Krav Maga training time! I delayed getting groceries so I could rest up more today. I'll get them tomorrow before D&D.

Mind/soul

Fine. Happy. Relieved that I'll get my paycheck soon, and the money from the ex.

What progress did I make today?

Chores were done, mainly. And a podcast episode was recorded. And the first date has been set with the job coach: September 7th. The next month is going to be amazing!

What went well today:

The podcast episode. And getting shit done in the morning. I can be a slacker before 1 pm rolls around.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Listen to people more. I feel like I don't listen enough and I just way until it's my turn to talk. (Art Of Charm podcast is a doozy!)

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Mind my leg. Survive work.

Goals:

Do groceries. Enjoy D&D with my friends. Try to sneakily print my D&D stuff at work.

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Day 58

As positive changes start building up, I notice I'm becoming profoundly more happier. I catch myself dancing at random moments when I think nobody can see me. It helps that I'm really, really into Twenty One Pilots. But I listen to some good podcasts too! There's a bit of a tradeoff, though. I tend to keep my earbuds a lot. So it's a tad antisocial. But I kind of dance through the supermarket, doing my groceries. That has to count for something, right?

Work kind of sucked. It's annoying and tedious. The more positive fun stuff I do, and the closer I get to realizing that when my jobcoaching starts next week, the more I hate the job because the end is near. I just can't wait to find something new and leave this boring crap behind me. Just like I left my bad habits behind me with the ex, and traded them in for self-love and good habits.

So lots of things feel really great! But they make me realize, by clear contrast, that I really hate my job and I need a different one.

D&D was great too. But the DM has a job now which he combines with his studies. So no more weekly sessions, sadly... It allows me more free time and I might pick up DM'ing more frequently myself, I guess. We had a good run. Hopefully we can manage in the mean time.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

As soon as I closed the door behind me when I got home, I caught myself dancing my ass off, eyes closed, to Twenty One Pilots.

Body/health

The new diet is great, I have waaay more energy! But I also notice that I totally need more fiber, if you catch my drift. Yuck.

Mind/soul

Doing okay ^^

What progress did I make today?

Shitload of groceries were done. And I updated all of my D&D stuff.

What went well today:

There was a lot of work so time went by quickly. I ate healthily. Groceries went well.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Socialize more with random people? Is that a weird thing to say? I like talking to random people but I also love listening to my music and podcasts. I'll need to find some balance, I guess. Or I am overthinking this. That's is plausible possibility.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

More fiber. Survive work. New smoothie recipes!

Goals:

Try new smoothie recipe. Eat more fiber. Have dinner with sister.

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Day 59

Oh, god. I'm seriously starting to realize that I need to escape this job asap. It's so boring and tedious. But there is sooooo much of it! It's stressing me out! It's all this meaningless crap. It's totally not me. But I do it and it pays money. But I have developed an eye twitch. I'm not kidding. It's so fucking annoying. I'm almost certain it's because of the stress at work.

I didn't photoshop today either. I'll have to finish my design tomorrow. All in 1 go. It's going to be tough and I'm a tad pissed at myself for it. But then again, that's kind of what I asked for.

I'm totally looking forward to Krav Maga on Thursday. 

My ex paid the money. There is 300 missing. But I knew that. At least now the cunniving little bitch has no more reasons to bother me ever again. Chapter closed.

Dinner with my sister was lovely. She used to be a junkie and had a messed up life. She's a whole lot more stable now. I'm véry happy with that. We talked a lot, about everything. I hope I get to see her soon again. She is intent on helping my out with the cooking on my birthday. She had all sorts of ideas. I love it. I truly think it's going to be a great night. Just over 20 days to go!

I don't have the feeling that I actually achieved something today. I didn't really 'DO' anything. But nothing bad happened either ? And I sleep well, I eat well, no video games or porn, ... So I didn't actively do anything. But in spite of that, I'm still fairly content.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Dinner with my sister was lovely.

Body/health

The eye twitch is driving me crazy. I hope that some sparring at the Krav Maga training will help me blow off the steam.

Mind/soul

Doing okay ^^

What progress did I make today?

I learned about clothing and style via my podcast. I had a lovely time with Sis.

What went well today:

Chilling out when I got home. I didn't really do any chores. That would have bothered me in the past but I just let go.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Maybe photoshop and do some chores.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Actually make an effort. I need to finish some things and tomorrow is my photoshop deadline.

Goals:

See the foot doctor about new soles. Finish the photoshop project in 1 crazy creativity-fueled session of madness.

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Day 60

Not that amazing a day, honestly. Work was fine. The eye twitch has gone down a bit. There's a bit more fiber in my diet now so body is fine too. Visited my podologist to adjust my soles, that went well too. I need to clean the place up a bit but in essence everything is going swell.

But I feel sad. Annoyed. Frustrated. A bit lost.

I received an invite today, via work, for a cool event. A bit festival and I got free tickets. There's all these amazing bands, food, drinks, activities. The better part is free and there's even a free budget for food & drinks. On paper, it's an amazing thing! The problem is that I get to bring a plus one. I could go to a movie or to dinner by myself. I don't always need somebody by my side, I'm fine alone. But things like these? They require a date, I feel. And I don't want to miss out on the fun. But who the fuck should I ask to come along? None of my friends can go, neither could my niece or sister. It annoys me and that surprises me. I thought I was different. I thought I was above this. I might ask one or two more people. I feel like I owe it to myself to go alone and just try and have a blast if nobody can come along. There are three more people I would want to ask. My parameter is not if there is romantic potential. I want so ask sombody whom I could guarantee I would have a fun time with. One is a gay friend who is hella interesting but super busy. Film industry will do that to your schedule. The other is somebody I don't really know that well. The housemate of a buddy of mine. I've often met her but we don't really properly know each other. She's fun and outgoing so she'd be open to the idea but I think it might be weird if I actually dared to ask. The last one is a blast from the past. When I was single and at the peak of my craziness, there was this girl. Let's call her Siri. We used to go to parties and pretend to be different people, we'd fake accents, dress up and fuck with people's minds. It was fun and hilarious and adventurous. She was also a bit of a nympho. There is a risk in asking her out. You never know what will happen. But I'm up for some antics, to be honest. I'm 27 so this might sound horrible, but it would make me feel young again ? She's fun, adventurous, flirty and just a tad crazy. We had some véry crazy times in the past. I

But it did feel like I was using my superpowers of charm and charisma for evil deeds. I seduced a girl that I knew had a boyfriend and had her kiss me. We toyed with people. Not to brag but I'm an amazing actor and she's a skilled actress. Combine us and sprinkle some pheromones and some alcohol over that and shit gets cray. I'd have to watch out if she'd say yes.

I sent a message to the kindergarten teacher. I told her I still felt very bad about everything that happened. I also asked her why she hasn't removed me from social media. It stings. I have difficulties forgiving myself for that messy weekend. Sleeping with her ànd the ex. She's obviously right to kick my ass out of her life. But she still follows me on social media, Facebook & Instagram. It confuses me. It's also a tad painful. Seeing her pop up here and there reminds me of my mistake. She's read the message. It's been an hour. She didn't respond.

If she doesn't answer, I'll remove her myself. There is no point in helping me torture myself.

Siri just answered the call to adventure. She's up for it and free that night. Waw. I guess this is happening now. I'm excited!

Oh, and the photoshop thing got extended by a month. UGH. So that's on the backburner for now.

Dang. Siri has a boyfriend. I don't know what I expected but I'm a tad disappointed now. I feel silly and stupid for getting my hopes up.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Siri said yes.

Body/health

Nothing noteworthy. My leg hurt today. The muscle I tore isn't fully ready for combat yet. But I have Krav Maga tomorrow. Hopefully it's going to be okay.

Mind/soul

Doing okay ^^ But it seems being single is starting to finally have an impact on me.

What progress did I make today?

Went to the podologist. Took out the trash. The new shake I tried was amazing! Set up a doodle for MY d&d group. I am a DM now!

What went well today:

Chilling out when I got home. I took a moment for myself. But then I lost myself in computer stuff. Nothing like Reddit or Netflix. Just social media and talking and arranging stuff.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Maybe nothing. Not all days are amazing and that's okay.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Let go of everything and kick ass at Krav Maga. Try to appreciate what I have and not focus on what I miss or lack.

Goals:

Mind my body and don't overexert myself, but kick ass at Krav Maga!

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