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Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

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Day 9

I was in a good mood today. Work went by easily. I talked to the coworker who set me up with the cool movie posters. Overall a nice day. The ex started mailing me again. I ended up ignoring her. I tried to get into a conversation with her, but that's clearly not working. So I let that go.

I went out with my D&D friends. Laughs all night long, an exciting reveal or two in our campaign and we went for drinks to one of my friends' home. Had 1 drink and left because I have work tomorrow.

I feel good. A little annoyed that I'm home so late. So no time for my exercises (also *burps* beer) or anything else, really. Just this quick journal and some meditation. 

I still have a metric tonne of stuff to do. But I always do. So I'm trying to let all of that go. Sleeping properly is more important right now. 

I'm going to have to learn to let go that not each day will be completely structured. I'm scared that if I don't do everything I'm supposed to every day, I'll start slipping. But I also can see that doing the routine (meditation, exercises, journal, ...) évery single day without ever skipping anything at all is just not realistic. 

I just hope that I don't accidentally start losing my new good habits.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had a lot of fun during D&D and got to know everybody a bit better.

Body/health

I went home early enough so I could get enough sleep but not so early that I missed out on the fun. Missed out on exercising though.

Mind/soul

I got véry stressed when the ex mailed. But after a while I realized it was not worth it and just deleted it all. I had some temptations, but looked at them for what they are. Just urges and nothing more. And reminders of sadder days.

What progress did I make today?

I dared to quit the conversation with the ex for my own good. I dealt with video game urges properly.

What went well today:

Work in general went rather fluently.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat more fruit probably. Seriously, why don't I do that? There are 2 apples on my desk.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to do my exercises anyway. I feel like I need the structure, at least for now.

Goals:

Enjoy the World Cup. Get home safely and don't drink too much. Sleep properly. Also be a bit productive before I leave and have a proper meal.

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Day 9

A very nervous day. Because of 3 things:

I couldn't get the ex out of my head. I keep telling her to leave me alone. She keeps pressing me to talk. I keep telling her to stop disrespecting my wishes, she tells me she respects me too much to leave things like this. Ugh. I just want the whole spiel to be over. 

Second, I'm signing the papers for the new apartment tomorrow. It's going to set me back a lot of money, but it's a worthwhile investment. As with all big changes, I get cold feet. I started second guessing myself. What if this isn't the right move for me? Did I rush into this too fast? Is it too expensive for me to be able to afford? What if there's a major flaw and I didn't notice? It's a lot being fired at me in a very short period of time. It's only normal, I know. But I can't deny that it sometimes makes me woozy. I just hope that after this weekend, when I move, my life will be a bit easier to manage.

Lastly, the world cup. I've been so nervous. I really wanted us to beat France. I am so disappointed. We beat Brazil in a stunning match. But we lost to France and they played like shit. Stalling, faking injuries, ... The ref seemed bribed. Bad end of the day. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I'm not sure, but I think a coworker made a move on me. I manage our hotels and flights at work. So I get lots of free stuff. I obviously don't keep it all. I got VIP-tickets to some horse event. A coworker of mine is crazy about horses so I forwarded it to her. She first assumed it was a gift (it was) and then she corrected herself in a second mail, apologizing for assuming it was a gift and then assumed it was an invitation (it wasn't, I clarified). It was a gift for her and a fellow horse loving friend of hers.I kept asking myself "Did she just ask me out in a weird way? Did I accidentally ask her out? What just happened? When she passed me by later, she wanted me to check some document because she couldn't figure something out (It was an obvious problem, 2 second fix, she could have done it herself) and there was a pink heart-shaped post-it note, smack dab in the middle of the page. I'm still giving the whole thing the benefit of the doubt. She's very pink. Everything around her desk is pink. It could just be that her post-its are just post-its and not hidden romantic things. Though she is over 30, single and seems a bit desperate. But I don't go for those people. Also, still mourning. Best case, I misinterpreted and it's fine. Worst case, she came on to me, I didn't notice and we leave it at that because you don't shit where you eat.

Body/health

Fine. I think I might have a stomach thing though. Probably because of the stress. I should mind my alcohol and coffee intake.

Mind/soul

I try to calm my butt down with Headspace. But I've been very nervous.

What progress did I make today?

I came home, cooked, went through the apartment paperwork, there was a lot of progress.

What went well today:

Coming home and being productive off the bat. Cooking too! Yum!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Less beer. Or rather more thinking ahead because now my stomach is kinda upset, it's late, i'm tired and there is still meditation and exercises to do.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Think a bit more ahead when I'm emotional and stressed.

Goals:

Survive the day without freaking out too much. Eat properly. Keep my wits about me when signing the papers. 

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Day 9

I signed the papers for the apartment! The owners seems nice. But that's the thing about landlords.They always seem nice until they're not. Contractually it all seems dandy. It's going to set me back a tick financially, but the mental health and feeling of freedom will be worth it. I just got home from celebrating with my friends and a fancy bottle of scotch.

The ex kept mailing me. I sent her a long rant of everything she's done to me. She responded with rationalizations, apologies, explanations, ... She's in therapy now and doing fine, yadda yadda. Too little, too late. 

I know I should protect myself fiercely right now. I'm vulnerable because of the breakup, I'm stressed because of all the changes and the move, scared because of all the money suddenly being invested in stuff. I try to keep her away from me. Rationally I know this is a healthy move. But she's weighing down on me. I used to have so much fun with her but it was all so tiring and messy. She's trying to play to my good side. I'm a big softy at heart. I know what she's doing, the game she's playing. But it still hits me. I still love her. I still want to feel loved by her. But she's hurt me too much, stepped on me too often.

I'm trying to keep my head above the water. All of this rehab stuff is heavy enough as it is. Then there's the moving and now the breakup that keeps on getting stretched out. I just want her to leave me alone.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I was able to verbalize my feelings and anger towards her in a proper rant. 

Body/health

Feeling fine in general. Looking forward to making proper meal plans when I get to the new home.

Mind/soul

I was truly in distress when she mailed. She always riles me up and stresses me out. I hope she leaves me alone soon.

What progress did I make today?

Had drinks to celebrate with friends but came home early enough for proper sleep and meditation.

What went well today:

Work was fine. Hanging with the friends and getting to know them better too.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Leave sooner and drink less? I feel like I'm starting to see a pattern here...

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to let go of the ex, focus on myself, relax and don't fret

Goals:

Survive the day, cook and plan what the upcoming days will require.

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Day 12

Work was fine. I got to meet the regional manager. He was nice, firm handshake and impressed with my language skills. I'm working on my French, Spanish and Japanese nowadays. But because of the breakup and because of the move it's rather hard to keep up with àll of my good intentions. I eat properly, sleep properly and try not to relapse. That's a big win all things considered. 

After work 3 things happened.

Car had to get a government mandated check. It failed because of shoddy brakes. UGH. Have to go and get them repaired.

Because of this, I was near the ex's place. I told her earlier today that I would drop by to hand her some of her stuff. I ended up bravely making a stand for myself. I got angry, of course. Love is messy. I truly, deeply and intensely love her. There is not a single cell in my body that would not enjoy her presence. But the things she's been doing to me. The effect she has on me... It's just too dangerous to be near her. I lose myself in all of it. I do not guard my own boundaries and she crosses them so easily. I have been hurt too many times and now it's so peaceful in my mind. I kept up my anger-shield and eventually left.

I cried for 40 minutes. I had told her to never contact me again and that I want nothing to do with her. I keeps on feeling like a grave mistake because of how I feel about her. But my brain knows that this is all very healthy for me. In a year I will be so proud of myself.

Finally I ate at my grandma's place. They're helping me move and I passed by to pick up my mail. It's being forwarded to them temporarily. I talked about the ex, what happened and how I cried, how I felt and my doubts. I ended up admitting I regret shutting the door for 100%. Maybe we can still be friends?

I'm still not sure whether it was a good move or not. But I called her, apologized for my anger and admitted I like the idea of not disappearing from each other's lives completely. I just hope I didn't make a grave mistake. I'm not sure about anything anymore nowadays. I'm terrified that I may have accidentally pushed away the love of my life. She's seeing a therapist and says she's really working on her issues. But she also claims it's all an easy fix and I don't buy that at all. On top of that, she's only seeing him now rather than when I asked and pleaded months ago. It's not going to work if I have to break up with her every time there needs to be a change. I just miss her so much. Despite it all. 

Love is weird and annoying.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I stood my ground against the ex. I also had a fun conversation with my boss's boss where I showed off me being a polyglot.

Body/health

Thank fuck grandma cooked some extra food. Because of the conversation with the ex I was ready to drown myself in chocolate and scotch. Now I have eaten properly.

Mind/soul

I fluctuate between doubting évery move I make and being completely sure and proud of myself. I miss that gray area.

What progress did I make today?

Figured out internet, insurance and neighbors of the new place. Also swapped stuff with the ex.

What went well today:

Getting home on time for my evening ritual.

What I could have done to make my day better:

EAT MORE VEGGIES AND FRUIT. YOU FOOL.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try not to let the doubts get the better of me.

Goals:

Survive the day, eat properly, receive keys to new place, clean it and start the move! Also clean old place and prep it for the big move! HOLY HELL! IT'S HERE ALREADY!

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Day 13

It's here. The dawn of chaos is upon us. That a way too much scotch.

The apartment has been signed, paperwork is done, now it's time to actually move. Things have changed so quickly. 2 weeks ago I broke up with the ex. I've seen her twice since and both times have been heartbreaking. I'm still not sure of anything. But there's no going back anymore. My aunt, grandma and niece helped me clean the new place. They were impressed with the size and how fancy it was. It's rather expensive too ? So it better be impressive!

They notice the cracks in my armor. They know me well and how I cope. They are truly loving and forgiving creatures. At least compared to me. I set bars very high for myself so often everybody else seems like a saint. 

I'm tired, stressed out, scared (terrified even), ... I have so many things racing through me. I almost relapsed twice today. But I'm still here, still breathing. I didn't eat properly and I probably won't sleep well tonight. I just hope there's a moment of reprieve soon. 

I basically had some cereal this morning, 2 kiwis, a cup of coffee, 2 pieces of bread with some chocolate paste, a lot of water, and then scotch, chocolate and Doritos. 

I know it's all some kind of masochistic coping mechanism. I know I'm capable of doing better. But a part of me just wants to sit here and just let it all burn. Thankfully, despite that urge, I still haven't relapsed. I haven't called the ex, I haven't watched porn, I haven't lost hours and hours on mindless browsing. There are urges, I acknowledge that. And there is still a LOT of room for improvement. There are also many obstacles ahead. I almost sent a message to a hot girl I used to know to find a rebound. There was an instance where she basically raped me. And I was going to go back to her. What is wrong with me? I won't go on Tinder and I won't watch porn. But it's clear there's still some evil shit lurking inside of me.

Fuck. It's all so hard and overwhelming sometimes. I just wish she was here to guide my ass through it all. But then again, if she was, she'd probably find a way to make it all even harder.

Either way, this is my last night in my crummy little excuse for a bedroom. The next 3 days will be rougher than wiping your ass with sandpaper. And the next 3-4 weeks won't be a walk in the park either. But I think I'll live. I might get a bruise or two or maybe even a scar. But I'll live. And after that, I'll get busy living.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

My family helped me clean up the place marvelously. 

Body/health

Sleep can only be called iffy. Food is sub-par. I am weakened, easily drowsy and not very able at some points.

Mind/soul

Complete madness. Alice in Wonderland ain't got nothing on me. I keep feeling like an actual crazy person who needs a mental hospital (being dramatic here).

What progress did I make today?

New apartment is clean, worked on paperwork of new place, met neighbors.

What went well today:

Not relapsing.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Food, sleep, concentration, ...

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try not to faint and maybe eat properly. Keep my wits about me.

Goals:

Basically move everything from old apartment to new apartment and do a little dance.

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About your Ex, just block her man and don't look back. If she was a negative influence as you say she was, then move on. If you don't then you are saying you want this relationship to continue. So you decide.

 By you engaging with her, you are tickling her emotions and making the thing stay alive. It's like addiction, you have to take the temptation away if you are serious about this. A thing that helps is to have the end in mind. Where do you want to go and what behaviours does that require? Surely being in this negative relationship isn't part of that, is it? You have to be rational about this if you don't want to be the victim of your emotions.

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On 7/14/2018 at 1:59 AM, Arch said:

About your Ex, just block her man and don't look back. If she was a negative influence as you say she was, then move on. If you don't then you are saying you want this relationship to continue. So you decide.

 By you engaging with her, you are tickling her emotions and making the thing stay alive. It's like addiction, you have to take the temptation away if you are serious about this. A thing that helps is to have the end in mind. Where do you want to go and what behaviours does that require? Surely being in this negative relationship isn't part of that, is it? You have to be rational about this if you don't want to be the victim of your emotions.

I know man. I blocked her on every conceivable medium: Facebook, Instagram, phone number, ... Everything except for email. We still need to exchange some info about payments, insurance, stuff like that. But it easily ends up just replacing the rest. I should probably block it too. If there's really something going on that needs my immediate attention, she's got ways of contacting me. Through friends or her mom's phone, ... 

Rationally I know I should cut it off. But 2 floors down from my brain there is somebody not agreeing with it. There is still a lot of love. It's like riding on a bike on the freeway with no protection on. And you know that you're going to have to jump off for your own safety because the bike's on fire. But you have no protective gear. So it's going to hurt. It's not just going to be a bruise or a few scratches. It's going to turn you into a human crayon on the road. 

You're right, Arch. I really admit you are. And I've done things, like the breakup itself, that come from a rational place. But matters of the heart can steer you in the opposite direction it seems. Comparing it all to addiction is a very strong metaphor. Thanks for waking me up a bit more.

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Day 14

I am kind of cheating here. It's 1pm on day 15 but I partied hard last night so I was in no state to write.

The move is over! It was a long and hard day. The broken heart and seeing all of my stuff in bags and boxes. That does something to a man. I'm very happy and lucky my childhood friend and my aunt, niece and grandma were there to help me. We broke a few sweats, I treated them to lunch and the old place has been cleaned. Now all that's left is beginning anew.

...

Holy shit. I have to begin anew! From scratch! OMFG THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! I can't even make coffee because I have nothing to boil my water with. I have a coffeemaker somewhere in a box and cleaning supplies to clean it in some other box and in what box did I put the coffee?

*sigh*

In the end, I showered here for the first time and decided to go out. I texted a friend, my niece, my sister, ... to see what would stick. Lo and behold! Everybody was going out! 

I ended up dancing the night away, drinking like an Irish dockworker and reveling in the general feeling of euphoria. I felt so happy, words do no justice to the feeling.

Of course, now that I've slept and seen the load of work before me, I'm much less happy ? 

There's no internet, barely any furniture, I'm hung over a bit.

But all in all, progress was made. Major progress. Now I'll start using Trello, a budgetting plan, a cleaning schedule, a food schedule, ...

It's going to take some time to get everything out of the boxes and set up the mentioned schedules. But this is truly laying a strong foundation for the next months.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went out for drinks and dancing and I had an amazing time with my niece. We're not that close but we kept on talking throughout the entire night. It was great!

Body/health

Well, ... Hangover. And I'll probably be surviving today and tomorrow on the most basic things like cereal. But nutritious changes are coming soon!

Mind/soul

The move was hard on me. I feel like the people helping me out were there a bit more for the emotional support rather then the manual labor.

What progress did I make today?

Old apartment is empty, new apartment is not ^^ Both have been cleaned. And socially I feel like I made good moves forward.

What went well today:

Dancing, not caring about what people think, not relapsing (I had several urges)

What I could have done to make my day better:

Probably eat & sleep better. But all in all, it's understandable I'm lacking here.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Most likely not drink. Cut off ties with the ex for good. Try to get a good sleep and at least try to eat properly.

Goals:

Unpack everything. Make use of Trello to schedule what needs to happen in the next weeks. What do I need to buy, when, where... Set up budgeting and schedules for food and cleaning. 

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Day 15

Today was a mixed bag. I partied until 3 am last night and had a lot to drink. The result? Sleeping in until noon and a big hangover. I had trouble all day just functioning. It was kind of worth it though, it was an amazing night. You see, that's typical PhoenixKing. Amplifying a good feeling whenever it occurs, even if that means I will suffer for it later. Same goes for food. I have a massive appetite and have always had trouble showing restraint. I am still very appreciative of how amazing it all was last night. But that doesn't make my body ache any less. 

I unboxed almost everything! There's a few odds and ends but overall it's done. I took me a full day. I am also rather empty now. My stomach aches because I didn't have a proper meal. I had some cereal but I just kept on going through the day, not eating well. The broken heart had a lot to do with this, on top of the emotions from moving and unboxing. My guitar also got wasted in the move. I'll have to have it fixed. I wanted to play so badly. I feel like I lost today. Everything was unboxed and I had the balls to read the ex's love letters one last time before throwing the away. I kept on needing a full day to recover every time I read something she had written. It hurt, but it's for my own good. I also told her that I had to block the emails. I need to effectively cut her out of my life for now. A part of me truly wants her back and want to feel loved again like that. But rationally this is very necessary. Still hurts like a motherfucker.

So those two things are victories. Sadly I was not as efficient today as I would have liked to. I skipped the better part of my important new routines. So I'm not having a clean and fresh new start here. I also was hurting so badly at some point, I caught myself mindlessly browsing for a while. I was watching the World Cup finale at the same time but I feel like that's only an excuse. I haven't been using Duolingo either. I had porn urges, gaming urges, ... Overall it was a difficult day. 

Now I'm light in the head from all the work and not eating well. It's always a financial misstep to order food. But I felt like eating something properly was more important than watching what I spend. Also, I'm  going to cheer my ass up with some Whose Line Is It Anyway and some Archer! 

Honestly, sometimes I want it all to be over. Just skip ahead to a few months in the future. Starting over is so fucking hard. You have to simultaneously fight your old habits and work to start and also maintain your new ones! I miss using Tinder to feel attractive and wanted. I miss being held and loved. I miss coming home to her. I miss the attention, the jokes and doing voices.  I miss being kissed and touched and having sex. I'm not against fuckbuddies or a one night stand. But emotionally it would feel like a really bad move. 

It's just all so fucking messy and complicated. The breakup, moving, Respawning, ... I set the bar really high for myself because I want amazing things for me. But damn! I am exhausting! At least I can say that I'm clean. Day 15 already!

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had the gall to block her emails and throw away all of her love letters. Unboxed about 90% of what I own. Started using Trello.

Body/health

In need of nutrients. Badly. Lightheaded as we speak.

Mind/soul

Numbed. Sad. Tired. I miss laughing.

What progress did I make today?

Used Trello to keep track of what I need to buy. Organized my closets, spent my first night here, unboxed almost everything.

What went well today:

Stopping and thinking of my body and what I need, proceeding to order food and sitting down to watch stuff I hope will make me laugh

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat proper food. Work more or be more efficient. Not put the bar so high for myself maybe?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Start my day earlier. Mind what I eat. Go outside in the sun and be a bit more social. Not mindlessly browse.

Goals:

Paperwork, insurance, internet, electricity, set up my budget. Be kind to myself.

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Day 16 & 17

I actually forgot to do the diary yesterday. Oops! Today work was fine. I spent most of my day browsing Reddit, talking to coworkers and trying to find anything to do that wasn't my boring, mind numbing job. I'm very happy that by the end of summer, I will have met with 4 different job coaches. I will go through several sessions of coaching with 1 of those. I basically get to pick who I want to see. I just came back from window shopping and doing stuff at the police office. Just paperwork, mind you. Now it's about 8 pm and I have to wake up at 7:40 am. I slept badly tonight because I'm not used to all of the city noises yet. My bedroom is next to the street. So I thought I would turn in early today and just be in my room. Do my meditation, read my book, Duolingo, ... Just exist near all of the noise and see if I can get more used to it. Or I might bake a cake. I'm still on the fence.

I'm also slowly being driven crazy by the emptiness of this room. I vowed to get 3 new pieces of furniture that I can afford by the end of the month. This week we look for a table and some chairs and next week we have to find a good couch. It's expensive and a bit of a financial risk. But everything is on major discount right now so it seems like a good move. Also I want that feeling of progression. I put a lot of pressure on myself to find thé perfect furniture. But I'm letting that go now. I have a week per piece of furniture. Plenty of time to search, compare and buy ?

It's tough sometimes. But I feel like I'm holding it together. Inch by inch. But at least it's an inch. It's slow. And I want it to go faster. I want all of the schedules to be done, all of the budgeting to be clear, ... But I can't. I have to sit down and lay the groundwork.

There is a huge music festival in town. I passed by one of the sideshows. It was a virtual reality setup. For 5 bucks you could try it out. I was curious. It was a basic game. I had my doubts. I kept asking myself if this would be fun or not, worth the money or not, is it a threat or not, ... In the end I figured it would probably be fun. And if I felt like it would be harmful, I would quit. I liked it but it was tedious and physically demanding. I'm not saying I relapsed or that it didn't do anything at all to me. I guess it's somewhere in the middle? It sort of just... happened. I don't really feel like anything is different today. I just needed a quick stress relief and my improv nor my krav maga haven't started yet. I think that's why the bar to do it was lower than usual.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I did A LOT of good paperwork yesterday, biked around town, ... Today was just a normal working day. First time I went to work by bike. Yay! And good for me for staying home tonight and being dedicated to my plan. And out of the blue a male friend of the ex's wants to hang out. When we were still together the ex mentioned he liked me and wanted to hang out. Like a man date! He's a nerd too and seems like a nice guy. We're going to a comic book place this week and going to see the new Marvel movie.

Body/health

Feeling way better. I still need to go groceries shopping. But I'm not longer weak.

Mind/soul

A lot of back and forth. I feel anxious. I hope that by the end of the summer I'll be more stable. I want furniture and money and progress.

What progress did I make today?

Paperwork for parking is done, internet has been arranged, first kitchen tools and supplies have been bought, insurance is almost a-okay, went to the government building to officially finalize my move here. Now all there needs to happen is for a local cop to show up to double check I actually live here.

What went well today:

D&D was fun. Biking around town too. I like being in the center of town. I feel like this move is going to be good for me. Eating better too.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Better sleep. And fix the fan in my bathroom. It's so loud!

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Take a look at the fan. Eat properly. Try to let go and have fun when seeing the new Ant-man.

Goals:

Less stressing about stuff, more relaxing and being okay with not everything being okay. Make a cake maybe.

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Day 18

Set up a couple of new apps and chrome extensions. One extension limits my time on Netflix to 1 hour a day. Another extension functions as my porn blocker. That was ... difficult. I used another app but it was being weird. So I had to open every single bad temptation of mine in a tab, uninstall the app, install the new one and manually put the sites in the new app. It is scary what kind of effect these things have one me. I'm continuously trying to convince myself it's all harmless. But luckily by now I am a bit more hardened to deal with the urges. It felt like a big relief after I finished it all. I also now use the Coach Me app to track my daily achievements.

I was going crazy about my furniture but I turned that stress into a weekend of shopping. No more stress and a weekend of free time filled ^^ yay!

I fixed the fan in my bathroom and I also now have internet! 

I wanted to do WAY more but I got a call for my mechanic. My car needed to be looked at. Brakes tend to be important, it seems. But he's on his yearly vacation. Thankfully he's a family friend and was willing to look at it if I drove it over there. I get to work by bike so I just needed to get back home. My aunt drove me. It's nice she's got my back. But it sucks I lost some time. I now have 1 hour and fifteen minutes left. So no groceries shopping, no paperwork, ... Tomorrow is badly timed as well because I'm seeing a big improv show. So I'm stuck doing my paperwork on a Friday night. 

At least I'll fall asleep knowing I tried my best to reach that high bar I set for myself ? I'm trying to let go of that high bar more and be a little softer on myself. And also be more mindful of what stresses me out and what angers me. And then try to change that. I feel like I'm slowly developing the right mindset. 

I'm also at the final chapter of Respawn!

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I have internet! Yay! Also was able to open all of my blocked porn site (because of technical reasons with apps and chrome extensions) and I survived the ordeal!

Body/health

Sucks that I didn't get to go groceries shopping. But I'll make it work. I have a feeling that next week will be different ?

Mind/soul

Stressed. Definitely under duress. But I'm trying to manage the how and the why and turn it into learning opportunities.

What progress did I make today?

Planned my shopping trip for furniture this weekend. Got internet. Fixed the loud clunky bathroom fan. Started the Coach Me app. 

What went well today:

Work was fine. I feel like I was hungry for being productive. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Go to sleep sooner. Because of the noise outside my window it takes me a while.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Breathe, not stress out and just roll with the punches. Try to find things to do during my boring job that I consider useful.

Goals:

Mind my sleep, food and my mental health. Find useful nuggets of happiness. Enjoy the improv and the time I'll spend with Sister and family.

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Day 19

It's a bit late but that's okay. I'm young!

Went out with my family and friends to the festival again and also saw some hilarious improv. The entire evening was amazing, hilarious, ... It felt sooooo good to reconnect with all these loving open people. I've been out of improv for a while. After I quit freelancing and found my boring mindkiller of a steady job, I had to take a break from all of the creative stuff. No improv, no comedy, no acting, ... I felt like I had to redefine my relationship with those art forms. But they were also my friends and it feels amazing to be back in this known environment where I can shine.

Work was fine today. Nothing special. I did try to make sure I got shit done. Not my soulcrushing, repetitive stuff. But actual things that needed doing. Grocery list, getting my car fixed, making appointments with job coaches, researching earplugs (I have trouble sleeping now that I'm in the middle of the city). 

So overall it was a good day. I will admit I felt lots of insecurity when being so social. I can easily not pay attention to social constructions and what is considered okay and not. My adhd brain tends to cloud my judgement. I hope I didn't offend anybody tonight without me knowing it. And it'll be a short night. But fuck it! You only live once. And it's not like I spent my time doing things that are bad for me. I danced, I laughed, I drank, I talked to my friends and I reconnected. To me, that's worth a few hours of sleep ^^

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I cried of laughter together with my sister during the improv show. We totally have the same type of humor.

Body/health

I feel like I'm eating enough in terms of amounts or calories. But I don't think I eat enough vegetables or fruit.

Mind/soul

Less stressed. I'm trying to do what needs doing and fix what needs fixing. Bit by bit. But every little thing is clearly helping.

What progress did I make today?

Got earplugs for sleeping, started using "coach.me", reconnected to old friends

What went well today:

Work was fine. The evening out was hilarious and amazing.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat more nutritious, I think. And sleep more ? Always the same things...

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Not lose my head at work. Mind what I eat. Try to do a couple of useful things in the evening before (I suspect) I might go out

Goals:

Survive work. Eat enough. Mind my body and my sleep. Exercise. Get my car back from the mechanic. Do stuff from to do list.

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Day 20

I have never been good at saying no to things. Another glass of wine? Sure! Meeting this random dude that you once spoke to? Yeah! Want 52 free drinks? Why not!

Work was fine. It's still dulling my mind. But I trying to find bits of personal goals I can try to achieve in between. So it makes it all a bit more bearable and I can scratch things off the list.

The ex contacted me today. I responded to a post on Reddit a while back about what red flags you have ignored and what happened. I responded with what happened between me and her and that I should have been smarter. Somebody responded with exactly her way of writing and her opinions. I checked the account and it was one day old! After all of this "Everything is going to change." and "I'm going to give you your space." she is just fucking stalking me. When I confronted her she even denied it and later on admitted it. That woman is a walking hurricane that I need to dodge.

I went out tonight. Through a colleague and some scratcher tickets I had won about 52 free drinks. My niece was celebrating her birthday so I gave a drink to everyone nearby and asked them to go congratulate her ^^ the result was priceless!

I also feel like I relapsed. Not like I fully relapsed and lost control. But more like I slipped. I browsed through a website with erotic drawings and animations. I knew it was wrong. But I felt like it had been haunting me for weeks. I just wanted to satisfy my brain's curiosity... I'll think about this whole ordeal some more tomorrow and figure out how I feel. Not proud, in any case.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Celebrating my niece's birthday.

Body/health

Slow. Fatty food and alcohol. Ugh.

Mind/soul

The ex still tends to freak my out. I feel like any day she's just going to stab me. It's turning a tad stalker-y.

What progress did I make today?

I was social, got my car, got some nutritious food, filled my car with stuff from storage, ...

What went well today:

Work was fine. Partying was fun!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Drink less and eat more healthily.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Focus! Be productive! Mind my food and sleep and body and mind.

Goals:

Unpack my shit and get furniture!

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Day 21

The dawn of week 4 was not a good one. I relapsed.

I'm still not sure what the true cause was. Probably a mix of things. The ex tracked down my Reddit account, had made a fake account and had responded to a comment I had made on some post about not seeing a red flag in time. Shit storm followed. She denied and denied. And then the admitted. I threatened to go to the police for stalking. She won't leave me alone. It is truly driving me crazy and a bit paranoid. I'm scared she has read my journal on this site. My friend jokingly said she might stab me one day. It was a joke and rather funny because she does seem a bit unhinged. But I'm not sure I'd rule it out. It's been weighing on me. 

Another part of the stress is not having furniture. I have a huge list of stuff I need to do but I also have to manage my time and my money. I feel very, very overwhelmed with it all. I wanted to make a cake and then I realized I don't have a bowl or anything to mix it with. After I went out and bought those, I found out I have no cake tin to bake it in. I have barely figured out the over. Then there's the paperwork, the lack of sofa or table. I broke a light fixture in the hall. There's a key missing. Everything smells like attic. 

It all feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle. And every time I win a bit, it just doesn't keep getting harder. There is just so much to deal with. I try to rely on my discipline and exercise daily, see friends, meditate, do this journal, don't watch porn or don't game, ... I used to meditate and read my book before I went to sleep. But I've been going out so much, enjoying seeing my friends again and every time it's so frigging late when I get back. My ears hurt because of the earplugs I need to be able to sleep because of the noise outside my window. 

None of this is not manageable or impossible to solve or deal with. It's just so fucking much. It feels never-ending. I realize I have come a long, long way. I left home at 19, I was hungry for a while when I was freelancing, had money issues, psychological issues. I've gone through much worse things than this. I think this is just a bad day. But it still sucks and I have difficulties picking myself up. I look forward to the end of the summer. By then I will have started a few new hobbies, the big festival in town will be over and things will be more stable.

But with all of it, I succumbed to the weight. There was this specific erotic comic site that had been giving me urges. I was often able to lay them beside me. But the junkie in me convinced me that the best way to deal with it was to satisfy my curiosity and then I'd be able to better let go. Spoiler alert. It did not. I made things worse. It opened the door to mayhem. I'm not proud to say that at a certain point I just thought to myself "Oh, well. Guess we're fucked now. So it doesn't matter if I relapse for 5 minutes, 5 hours of 24 hours. It's a relapse in any case. So I might as well dive into the rabbit hole a bit deeper."

I feel horrible. I can feel my brain wriggling around, clucking for another fix. I fed it the wrong things and it's going to take some time for its hunger to die down again. I have let myself down. Majorly. Days are starting to seem like a big blurry mess. I can't remember what happened yesterday, last night or the day before that. All of this madness is so confusing sometimes. 

The annoying thing is, it's going to take a lot of work to set shit straight. At least it's only 2pm right now so I have the better part of Sunday to recover and do something useful.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I found an amazing sofa and a table!

Body/health

I'm not there just yet. But I'm considering quitting alcohol. Or at least limiting my consumption somehow. Not having a lot of energy. Sometimes it's more like I exist rather then I'm alive. But luckily it's not always like that.

Mind/soul

Chaotic. Messy. Looking for redemption.

What progress did I make today?

I  dared to ask for help. That's a major win for me. Found a great sofa, a table, something to bake my cake with.

What went well today:

Hanging out with friends. Seriously. I now live in the middle of the city and I'm surrounded by my friends. I am 5 minutes away from everybody I know and like. Waw!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Drink less and eat more healthily. Also not relapse. Also quit the relapse the moment I realized I relapsed.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to be mindful of what issues I need to solve first. Try to do things that make me feel joy and like I'm making progress.

Goals:

Survive work. Eat properly. Go buy food, I guess?

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I had the same problem with my ex some years ago. I didn't want to be "the bad guy that blocks a girl just because she loves him to much to let him go" so I had to stand emotional abuse, stalking, threats and lies for a long time. I tried everything to make her understand me, but it was useless. So I realized that I had to stop thinking about what would others think about it. I had to do what it was best for me

I told everyone around me how I was feeling, the things that she had put me through. Everything. This is crucial. If you keep it to yourself, you won't get any support. Let the bad feelings flow out of yourself. After I did this, I had the strengths to ignore any kind of contact. Never, never, never fight back. Let her make her moves and ignore them. If she finds any of your online accounts, keep doing what you do as if she didn't find it. Don't even throw hints in your messages as if you noticed it. If you ever see her in the street, do not turn away, because she might notice it. Continue and ignore her presence. Don't engage with her at all. She will realize at some point that she doesn't have the power to control your emotions and will stop trying. Your ex is trying her best to make you notice her. Deny that.

What I did gave me my freedom back. I still sometimes receive an email or some kind of message, like once in three or four months, but there is a higher distance every time between those. I just ignore it and everything is ok. Maybe a rush of anxiety, but it goes away quickly. You'll be able to train that to make them not take control over you.

I know it's hard, but I didn't do it perfectly the first time. I have emotions. But, in order to improve, I had to be aware of those emotions and take the lead. Every time that you succeed will hurt less and less, until you can control it and regain the power over your emotions.

Hope this helps. Take your time to consider what is the best you can do to handle this before it's too late. And keep up the good work! Don't feel so ashame, everyone fails. Learn from your failing.

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Day 22

I went out with friends again last night. Which is why I was hungover today and did not get much done. I'm starting to realize that I'm fighting several battles at once. I've quit gaming so I've had to change a whole lot and adapt. Then I quit porn and I've relapsed twice already. Then there's also the broken heart. And the new and very empty apartment. I keep putting the bar rather high and keep failing. It's only normal I go out a lot and drink and stuff. In a way, I'm supposed to be a mess. And that's okay. Maybe it's healthy? I mean, apart from fucking with my schedule it's not really causing actual problems. I have enough money and I don't vomit daily, I don't have liver issues.

Anyway, I spent the better part of the day recovering from last night. Writing about how I feel and watching Netflix. At least, I think so... The whole past 2 weeks are a bit blurry. I've never been very good at remembering things. Now that the music festival is over, I assume my life is going to be a bit more steady. I was wondering when it would hit me, though. It always takes a while for big and complicated emotions to trickle through me. I now see that all of the seeing my friends and drinking and dancing is simply my broken heart wanting to forget itself. 

In the end I didn't get much done today. But I think I've learned a valuable lesson. I am allowed to do stupid things as long as I don't actually do anything serious like fighting or things that might influence my health or job. 

I think I'm just tired. Tired of all the thinking about my own behavior and where I should go. 

I have a meeting set up with a job counselor tomorrow. 

I'm still looking for more fulfillment. I hope tomorrow evening is a step in the right direction. I try to find joy in the little things. It's just hard, I guess.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I told a friend how I felt. We have a complicated history. I used to be madly in love with her. But she's a tornado of emotional trouble. I dodged her for a while and she got mad at me for that. I can respect that. That's when I told her how I felt. It felt good to clear the air. She only lives a couple of blocks from my new place. It'd be silly to not try and simply get along as friends. We have similar humor.

Body/health

Apart from the hangover, doing okay. But it's been a while since I exercised. My ears hurt from the earplugs.

Mind/soul

I hope this workweek will bring a bit more stability.

What progress did I make today?

When I felt hurt and confused and chaotic, I sat down to write it all down and structure my mess a bit.

What went well today:

Unless you're from my city, you wont get this. But I went and got a Spitburger and wore a noose around my neck. Both are cultural icons and I felt like it was the proper way to end the festival.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Be more productive. Doing anything at all would have been great.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Not let this shit get the best of me.

Goals:

Survive work. Eat properly. Go buy food and also see the counselor. 

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Day 23

Better! Woke up and went to work. Awfully hot day. I spent my day trying to be as productive as possible. Since I'm now doing 2 jobs at the same time (because of coworkers going on vacation), time flies. But I managed to get stuff done. Appointment to check my car was made, I arranged lunch with friends, ... It felt good to feel like I was making progress. 

After work I went to see the first of my 4 job counselors. Government pays for it so that means I get to shop around and see which one I like the best. That too gave me a tremendous feeling of progress. The first of 4. She was nice, professional and gave me the idea that she would be somebody that would tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. But it's not as if I'm raging to go back. It was professional and informative and communicative. We talked about happiness, communication, ambition and oddly enough, quantum physics. I'm curious to see what the other 3 counselors will be like. 

And then I went shopping. And spent over 400 bucks on groceries. Yeah. That happened. I filled up my fridge and cupboards. My kitchen was empty but she is not anymore! Before you judge, I really looked at what expired when. The better part of the money went to stuff that remains edible for a long time. I also bought kitchen supplies like a water filter and a water cooker. I CAN FINALLY MAKE GOOD COFFEE!!! 

But it was A LOT. And heavy! Over 60 kilo's of stuff! I didn't even unpack everything yet. I even skipped the freezer-section because my cart was full. But I now have cleaning supplies and all sorts of stuff! And my friend is giving me a whole bunch of his stuff. Like a fruit juicer! I am so stoked about that. I've been meaning to eat way more fruit but now it'll be a whole lot easier.

I had the feeling today, for the first time in a while, that I can do this.

I did not waste a single minute today. Even when I got home, I just started unpacking. When I was done, I started cooking. Then I exercised, I did some more paperwork. And now it's almost 1 pm! It's insane! It shows that when I apply myself, good shit happens. It also shows that I am one impatient motherfucker when I don't get immediate results, I set the bar rather high but I feel so completed and fulfilled when I make a bit of headway. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

My friend suddenly sent me a message saying he's getting rid of a bunch of stuff and he wanted me to have it: a fruit juicer, wine glasses, ... He basically made me some kind of loot box.

Body/health

Hangover is gone. And now that there's proper food in the fridge and a juicer on the way, I'm getting into an upswing.

Mind/soul

Not chaotic and frantic. Not peaceful or zen either. Bit of both? Neutral?

What progress did I make today?

Lots. Foodshopping, the counselor, cooking, buying the right things but also minding my money and expiration dates, doing paperwork, ... Long list! Yay! 

What went well today:

Being productive in the evening. Normally it takes more energy but I just started and kept going! I don't know what came over me. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Wear a fucking t-shirt. I just figured out after +8 months of work that I'm allowed to wear t-shirt instead of proper dress shirts. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Wear a t-shirt. Try to continue this upswing. 

Goals:

Survive the day, don't do anything stupid or destructive. Keep it up like this and keep on shrinking that to do list!

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Day 24

Waw. Heatwave. Everything is twice as tiring. Work is intense, yo. Doing two jobs at once makes you have to seriously prioritize what needs to get done that instant and what can wait. I was tired when I got home. And also because of the heat.

I've started using StayFocused to limit my combined Reddit & Netflix time to 1 hour a day. So I naturally spent that hour immediately when I got home. I'm really getting into Japan, Japanese and Japanese television. I'm even able now to read certain things and I'm starting to get to the basic phrases. I'm also using Duolingo to get the rust off of my French and broaden my Spanish a bit. If I were to do everything perfectly, I'd speak 5 languages! I mean, we are a LONG way from that. But the feeling of progress is amazing. Soothes the soul.

I was scared that I'd get swept up in old habits. But the stuff from Respawn seems to have taken some kind of hold. I still have a ways to go. There's matters like budget, I still need furniture, I need to switch jobs, ... I am fairly confident that stuff about the ex will pop up sooner or later. Crazy stuff is bound to happen. But I'm proud that when I'm home alone for a night, I spend a much bigger part of my time doing stuff that trains my body or my mind. It gives me a sense of progress and ability. 

In terms of porn, I've found a glitch in the system! Erotic stories! There's a subreddit called "Gonewildstories". It's not the same as porn and though I'm not sure it's okay yet (and my Reddit time has a limiter), it's a sexy read from time to time. Actual buildup and eroticism instead of videos of meat being slammed together. It feels like a healthy way to express sexuality. But still, I'm not sure it's okay or not. But time will tell, I believe. If just hope I'm wise enough to take a step back if need be. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I saw a trailer for a Japanese movie and I was able to read some of the words! I wasn't yet able to translate it, but I could read it ?

Body/health

Less energetic as yesterday. But because of the heatwave that makes sense. I found myself snacking on lettuce today. Bought apples and ate one of them. Baby steps. The fruit juicer my friend is giving me will make this easier too. 

Mind/soul

Sometimes a bit restless. I'm still getting used to lots of things. But better than, let's say a week ago.

What progress did I make today?

I maintained my routine, did Duolingo and exercised and I'm hoping to do some cleaning now.

What went well today:

Surviving work. Heat does NOT agree with me. I managed to pull off doing a full day of combining 2 jobs.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Perhaps be more mindful when I procrastinate. I feel like I wasted some time this night. But I also feel like I sometimes need to cut myself some slack.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to stop and figure out what is eating my whenever I feel stress

Goals:

Survive the day, maintain my health (mind + body), trim the beard. 

Tomorrow I planned a little date with myself. I now have everything I need to play Cake Or Death. That's when I make chocolate cake and watch the "cake or death" comedy routine of Eddie Izzard. I'll most likely watch other comedians while making said cake.

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Day 25

Waking up, it felt like there was something off. Like a glitch in the Matrix. Like it was a day off but I forgot and as if I knew I'd be heading into work for no reason, only to find a closed door. I wondered if it was the heat, imagination, some weird dream, ... But nothing out of the ordinary. Weird way to start the day. My brain was so convinced there was something askew.

The heatwave was excruciating. I ate more that I did yesterday. I worked properly. Got rid of the backlog. Smooth sailing from here, I hope. Nothing specific happened, but I noticed in myself that as soon as things stopped being stressful and super busy, I got bored. I would look at my phone more, I would ask myself "What could I Google or read about that would benefit me?". I ended up surfing on Reddit but I was disappointed I, for example, wasn't able to read the book was reading at home. I could maybe find a .pdf? 

In the end, I went into a conference room alone and played Duolingo again. I'm really getting into Japan and Japanese! I'm watching a Japanese drama with my allotted 1 hour a day of Netflix. I keep practicing my Japanese. I even woke up again before I fell asleep. Because I remembered a Japanese comedian I once saw. A rakugo performer I saw in Edinburgh, Katsura Sunshine. I'm planning on sending him a message, telling him how after all these years I've developed a soft spot for Japan and comedy and what an honor it is to have been able to have seen him. Just talking to somebody who was able to combine comedy with Japan is awesome. I truly hope to one day travel there.

Money is tiiiiiight. It was an expensive month. I'm going to have to dip into my savings once again. I'm most definitely going to have to start budgeting. As  soon as my paycheck comes in, I'll start scanning the financial subreddits for help and try to keep track of everything properly.

I hate the heatwave. 

This evening was productive and nice. I did the whole "Cake or Death" thing. I ended up watching a large part of the Eddie Izzard show and some Iliza Shlesinger. I'll try a piece tomorrow. I ate rather late. I get home by 5 and go to sleep by 11pm. It's 11:10 now, to give you an idea of when my day ends. I'm supposed to be asleep by midnight. So I have about 6 hours every evening to myself. 1 hour is spent on Netflix. To me, using 5 hours usefully, each day, is a HUGE step. More often than not, I can't really remember what I did. But I try to push myself and keep working on the big to do list. I keep trying to improve my quality of life here. How it smells, how it looks, the food I eat, ...

I might bring a couple of pieces of cake to neighbors or take it to work. It was from a packet but I used proper Belgian chocolate and British lemon curd for the filling. It might turn out nice ^^

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

The cake turned out nicely.

Body/health

This heatwave is so exhausting... A couple more days to go...

Mind/soul

Better than last week. I had a tough moment or two today. A sad song, some stuff that reminded me of the ex. I wrote her another angry letter that I obviously didn't post. 

What progress did I make today?

Maintained my routine, prepped the coming days, place is tidied up, cake was made, food was eaten, no relapses or emotional crashes 

What went well today:

Working. I got a lot of shit done today. It's still horribly boring and mind numbing. But when I work fast, I have a lot of free time that I can use to sneakily Google or read things online.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Think ahead of what useful stuff I can do when I'm bored at work. I don't like browsing Reddit mindlessly. I want to do/read/find stuff that enriches me!

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to really find something at work that I can dig into. Maybe find a D&D book online, something that allows me to prep for being a DM!

Goals:

Try the cake. Survive the heatwave and work. Mind what I eat because heat fucks with my appetite. Try to continue my upswing. Be productive when I get home. Go to my physical therapist appointment. Wonder what to do with the rest of the cake. I can't eat it all myself, can I? Work down the to do list. Maybe clean the place up a bit. There are (currently) no more boxes to unbox.

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Day 26

I slept so poorly. Ugh. I thought I might be fine without the earplugs. Nope. My street is active, yo! On top of that, a mosquito flew in my ear in the middle of my meditation. And it was boiling hot. I almost passed out today. It's so hot... One more day, though! We sell scientific measuring devices. My boss used a fancy thermometer to measure the temperature just outside of our building. It hit over 39 degrees. WTF.

The heat is killing me. I can feel my brain boiling...

I didn't get a lot done today because I was gone all evening. I called my granddad for his birthday. I went to see an audiologist to have a mold made of my ears. I'll sleep better with custom made earplugs. At least, I hope...

I went to go eat at my friends place. It was supposed to be some kind of potluck but in the end it was just my and my 2 friends. Still had a nice night, though. We ended up eating my cake. They were a fan! I nicknamed the cake "Cake Or Death" and told them about the comedy thing I was seeing when I was making it. I think I might like baking now.

The cake tasted too lemony and not chocolaty enough for what I was aiming for. But still. Cake! I am full now, though. The meat, potatoes, more meat and then the cake. All of that in this heat? Holy shit. I wonder what'll kill me first. The food baby bursting out of me, the heat boiling me or the sleep deprivation I'll probably get from the former two. 

I also visited my physical therapist. We're going to start working on going for runs now ? yay! I miss running.

Also got a call for me second counselor meeting out of four. As soon as I do the last one, I'll pick who gets to guide me to a new job/career ^^

Things are going well ? Not great. Not bad. Just well.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

My boss came up to me with a bicycle pump. He saw my bike was crap and wanted me to not get a flat tire. Which is weird because that was his own personal pump from home. But he lives in the next province and drives his car 1 hour to work. He must like me?

Body/health

If this heat doesn't kill me, the lack of appetite will. I spent so many hours just feeling sick today. I had brought food but the idea of eating alone made my stomach churn.

Mind/soul

It's kind of too hot to think about this. I still get pricks from needle sharp thoughts. I still miss here. I feel like it was proper love but she just ruined it by smothering it all. Some sad songs are nice to sing in the car and then suddenly that one random commercial that made her giggle comes up and I just get a flashback and am sad for another 10 minutes. It comes and goes.

What progress did I make today?

Physical therapist. Had my ears checked and a mold made. Tasted the cake and saw my friends.

What went well today:

Keeping busy at work. Even doing two jobs at the same time, it's mindbogglingly boring. 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Successfully send the D&D book to myself. Some thing technical went wrong. Other than that, fine day.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I feel like I handled today rather fine. I played the cards that were dealt to me.

Goals:

Survive the day. Go have dinner with an old friend of mine. Not get drunk, don't get home too late. Bring the cake. If there's leftovers, I might bring it to grandpa or the neighbors. 

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On 7/8/2018 at 5:28 PM, Phoenixking said:

Comments about me needing to be less harsh on myself are working. I am more forgiving towards little leaps in judgement. I'm curious what the daily meditation and gratitude diary will do to me.  

It's good to hear your becoming more forgiving rather then getting crushed by the internal critic. The critic is such a hard one to please.

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Nice to see your progress here.  I really enjoy your updates and the progress you're making. I want to give you some advice that I hear all the time since I think we have some similar traits.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself to do everything at once.  I tried quitting a lot of things at once before and it's just very difficult to find new outlets out of no where, while constantly analyzing my day, behaviors, and thoughts.  This constant analysis is so draining sometimes.  It's naturally to want to fix things right away because of how dominant we were in video games.  Video games also make achievements and things we strive after easier to attain than what happens in reality.

This time around I'm just focused on removing gaming from my life and getting to a place where I can feel comfortable to take on more challenges.  Keep up the good work and just do your thing.  Don't beat yourself up in the wake of failure either.  Let yourself heal and let yourself forgive yourself.  Beating up yourself when you think you're not moving or doing as well as you could be is not forgiveness.  Understanding the toll of recovery can be exhausting and letting yourself be at peace for a little bit of time is very rewarding.

I look forward to reading more about your life and seeing the progress you're making and going to make.  Keep on being yourself and do your thing.  After reading some of your earlier entries I actually started writing my own style diary.  It's pretty enjoyable to write and journal.  You're an inspiration so don't give up.

Matt

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23 hours ago, Rualani said:

It's good to hear your becoming more forgiving rather then getting crushed by the internal critic. The critic is such a hard one to please.

Yeah. My relationship with myself is an odd one. One part of me is so convinced I deserve a good and healthy life. That to the point where I will look at the way my mom treats me and views me and I will take steps away from her for my own good. From time to time, I can be a life saver for myself. 

And then there's other times where I find myself fused to the hip with somebody like my ex and it takes me months and months to figure out that I don't want anything like that. Sometimes it's really hard to stand up for myself. And then there's other times where I'm miraculously mature.

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19 hours ago, Matt S said:

Nice to see your progress here.  I really enjoy your updates and the progress you're making. I want to give you some advice that I hear all the time since I think we have some similar traits.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself to do everything at once.  I tried quitting a lot of things at once before and it's just very difficult to find new outlets out of no where, while constantly analyzing my day, behaviors, and thoughts.  This constant analysis is so draining sometimes.  It's naturally to want to fix things right away because of how dominant we were in video games.  Video games also make achievements and things we strive after easier to attain than what happens in reality.

This time around I'm just focused on removing gaming from my life and getting to a place where I can feel comfortable to take on more challenges.  Keep up the good work and just do your thing.  Don't beat yourself up in the wake of failure either.  Let yourself heal and let yourself forgive yourself.  Beating up yourself when you think you're not moving or doing as well as you could be is not forgiveness.  Understanding the toll of recovery can be exhausting and letting yourself be at peace for a little bit of time is very rewarding.

I look forward to reading more about your life and seeing the progress you're making and going to make.  Keep on being yourself and do your thing.  After reading some of your earlier entries I actually started writing my own style diary.  It's pretty enjoyable to write and journal.  You're an inspiration so don't give up.

Matt

Waw, Matt. Thanks! Damn! 
I appreciate the advice. I hadn't thought of the progress I want to make in such a way. It's true that my brain is probably used to achieving goals much quicker that reality permits. I had a conversation with a job counselor recently and one of the things she noted right away was that I'm rather impatient. As if I need immediate results for just about anything. If it's my personality, I'll need to work on that. If it's my brain recovering from years of gaming, it'll subside on its own. Still a creepy thought that something deemed so innocent can be so destructive if you allow it to be. 

Thank you man. I'll try not to be so hard on myself. A part of me is just scared that if I let up, I'll slide back into chaos and it'll be harder to crawl out every time after the previous one. I think I judge myself rather hard for all of the lost time. My dad's a schizophrenic and an alcoholic. I will probably never inherit anything because of his money issues. Obviously I'm a completely different person. But I'm also all I have. I have no parents to rely on or to guide me or teach me. I have a great place to live now, I pay for every tiny thing myself, everything I have or achieved, is only because of myself and nobody else. Somewhere along the road, it's like I've put this extra load of responsibility on my shoulders. Like, I not only have to do just okay, I have do be great. I cannot allow my parents' mistakes to lead to a sub-optimal life for myself. Maybe I'm overthinking this; but you're totally right. I need to mellow out on myself. It's just that I'm scared what might happen when I do. I don't want to damage my progress.

I am humbled and honored, Matt. I hope you draw as much inspiration as you like from any ordeal, joke or write up of mine. If there's anything I can ever do for you, just gimme a shout ?

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