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Phoenixking

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Day 9

I was in a good mood today. Work went by easily. I talked to the coworker who set me up with the cool movie posters. Overall a nice day. The ex started mailing me again. I ended up ignoring her. I tried to get into a conversation with her, but that's clearly not working. So I let that go.

I went out with my D&D friends. Laughs all night long, an exciting reveal or two in our campaign and we went for drinks to one of my friends' home. Had 1 drink and left because I have work tomorrow.

I feel good. A little annoyed that I'm home so late. So no time for my exercises (also *burps* beer) or anything else, really. Just this quick journal and some meditation. 

I still have a metric tonne of stuff to do. But I always do. So I'm trying to let all of that go. Sleeping properly is more important right now. 

I'm going to have to learn to let go that not each day will be completely structured. I'm scared that if I don't do everything I'm supposed to every day, I'll start slipping. But I also can see that doing the routine (meditation, exercises, journal, ...) évery single day without ever skipping anything at all is just not realistic. 

I just hope that I don't accidentally start losing my new good habits.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had a lot of fun during D&D and got to know everybody a bit better.

Body/health

I went home early enough so I could get enough sleep but not so early that I missed out on the fun. Missed out on exercising though.

Mind/soul

I got véry stressed when the ex mailed. But after a while I realized it was not worth it and just deleted it all. I had some temptations, but looked at them for what they are. Just urges and nothing more. And reminders of sadder days.

What progress did I make today?

I dared to quit the conversation with the ex for my own good. I dealt with video game urges properly.

What went well today:

Work in general went rather fluently.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat more fruit probably. Seriously, why don't I do that? There are 2 apples on my desk.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to do my exercises anyway. I feel like I need the structure, at least for now.

Goals:

Enjoy the World Cup. Get home safely and don't drink too much. Sleep properly. Also be a bit productive before I leave and have a proper meal.

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Day 9

A very nervous day. Because of 3 things:

I couldn't get the ex out of my head. I keep telling her to leave me alone. She keeps pressing me to talk. I keep telling her to stop disrespecting my wishes, she tells me she respects me too much to leave things like this. Ugh. I just want the whole spiel to be over. 

Second, I'm signing the papers for the new apartment tomorrow. It's going to set me back a lot of money, but it's a worthwhile investment. As with all big changes, I get cold feet. I started second guessing myself. What if this isn't the right move for me? Did I rush into this too fast? Is it too expensive for me to be able to afford? What if there's a major flaw and I didn't notice? It's a lot being fired at me in a very short period of time. It's only normal, I know. But I can't deny that it sometimes makes me woozy. I just hope that after this weekend, when I move, my life will be a bit easier to manage.

Lastly, the world cup. I've been so nervous. I really wanted us to beat France. I am so disappointed. We beat Brazil in a stunning match. But we lost to France and they played like shit. Stalling, faking injuries, ... The ref seemed bribed. Bad end of the day. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I'm not sure, but I think a coworker made a move on me. I manage our hotels and flights at work. So I get lots of free stuff. I obviously don't keep it all. I got VIP-tickets to some horse event. A coworker of mine is crazy about horses so I forwarded it to her. She first assumed it was a gift (it was) and then she corrected herself in a second mail, apologizing for assuming it was a gift and then assumed it was an invitation (it wasn't, I clarified). It was a gift for her and a fellow horse loving friend of hers.I kept asking myself "Did she just ask me out in a weird way? Did I accidentally ask her out? What just happened? When she passed me by later, she wanted me to check some document because she couldn't figure something out (It was an obvious problem, 2 second fix, she could have done it herself) and there was a pink heart-shaped post-it note, smack dab in the middle of the page. I'm still giving the whole thing the benefit of the doubt. She's very pink. Everything around her desk is pink. It could just be that her post-its are just post-its and not hidden romantic things. Though she is over 30, single and seems a bit desperate. But I don't go for those people. Also, still mourning. Best case, I misinterpreted and it's fine. Worst case, she came on to me, I didn't notice and we leave it at that because you don't shit where you eat.

Body/health

Fine. I think I might have a stomach thing though. Probably because of the stress. I should mind my alcohol and coffee intake.

Mind/soul

I try to calm my butt down with Headspace. But I've been very nervous.

What progress did I make today?

I came home, cooked, went through the apartment paperwork, there was a lot of progress.

What went well today:

Coming home and being productive off the bat. Cooking too! Yum!

What I could have done to make my day better:

Less beer. Or rather more thinking ahead because now my stomach is kinda upset, it's late, i'm tired and there is still meditation and exercises to do.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Think a bit more ahead when I'm emotional and stressed.

Goals:

Survive the day without freaking out too much. Eat properly. Keep my wits about me when signing the papers. 

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Day 9

I signed the papers for the apartment! The owners seems nice. But that's the thing about landlords.They always seem nice until they're not. Contractually it all seems dandy. It's going to set me back a tick financially, but the mental health and feeling of freedom will be worth it. I just got home from celebrating with my friends and a fancy bottle of scotch.

The ex kept mailing me. I sent her a long rant of everything she's done to me. She responded with rationalizations, apologies, explanations, ... She's in therapy now and doing fine, yadda yadda. Too little, too late. 

I know I should protect myself fiercely right now. I'm vulnerable because of the breakup, I'm stressed because of all the changes and the move, scared because of all the money suddenly being invested in stuff. I try to keep her away from me. Rationally I know this is a healthy move. But she's weighing down on me. I used to have so much fun with her but it was all so tiring and messy. She's trying to play to my good side. I'm a big softy at heart. I know what she's doing, the game she's playing. But it still hits me. I still love her. I still want to feel loved by her. But she's hurt me too much, stepped on me too often.

I'm trying to keep my head above the water. All of this rehab stuff is heavy enough as it is. Then there's the moving and now the breakup that keeps on getting stretched out. I just want her to leave me alone.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I was able to verbalize my feelings and anger towards her in a proper rant. 

Body/health

Feeling fine in general. Looking forward to making proper meal plans when I get to the new home.

Mind/soul

I was truly in distress when she mailed. She always riles me up and stresses me out. I hope she leaves me alone soon.

What progress did I make today?

Had drinks to celebrate with friends but came home early enough for proper sleep and meditation.

What went well today:

Work was fine. Hanging with the friends and getting to know them better too.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Leave sooner and drink less? I feel like I'm starting to see a pattern here...

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to let go of the ex, focus on myself, relax and don't fret

Goals:

Survive the day, cook and plan what the upcoming days will require.

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Day 12

Work was fine. I got to meet the regional manager. He was nice, firm handshake and impressed with my language skills. I'm working on my French, Spanish and Japanese nowadays. But because of the breakup and because of the move it's rather hard to keep up with àll of my good intentions. I eat properly, sleep properly and try not to relapse. That's a big win all things considered. 

After work 3 things happened.

Car had to get a government mandated check. It failed because of shoddy brakes. UGH. Have to go and get them repaired.

Because of this, I was near the ex's place. I told her earlier today that I would drop by to hand her some of her stuff. I ended up bravely making a stand for myself. I got angry, of course. Love is messy. I truly, deeply and intensely love her. There is not a single cell in my body that would not enjoy her presence. But the things she's been doing to me. The effect she has on me... It's just too dangerous to be near her. I lose myself in all of it. I do not guard my own boundaries and she crosses them so easily. I have been hurt too many times and now it's so peaceful in my mind. I kept up my anger-shield and eventually left.

I cried for 40 minutes. I had told her to never contact me again and that I want nothing to do with her. I keeps on feeling like a grave mistake because of how I feel about her. But my brain knows that this is all very healthy for me. In a year I will be so proud of myself.

Finally I ate at my grandma's place. They're helping me move and I passed by to pick up my mail. It's being forwarded to them temporarily. I talked about the ex, what happened and how I cried, how I felt and my doubts. I ended up admitting I regret shutting the door for 100%. Maybe we can still be friends?

I'm still not sure whether it was a good move or not. But I called her, apologized for my anger and admitted I like the idea of not disappearing from each other's lives completely. I just hope I didn't make a grave mistake. I'm not sure about anything anymore nowadays. I'm terrified that I may have accidentally pushed away the love of my life. She's seeing a therapist and says she's really working on her issues. But she also claims it's all an easy fix and I don't buy that at all. On top of that, she's only seeing him now rather than when I asked and pleaded months ago. It's not going to work if I have to break up with her every time there needs to be a change. I just miss her so much. Despite it all. 

Love is weird and annoying.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I stood my ground against the ex. I also had a fun conversation with my boss's boss where I showed off me being a polyglot.

Body/health

Thank fuck grandma cooked some extra food. Because of the conversation with the ex I was ready to drown myself in chocolate and scotch. Now I have eaten properly.

Mind/soul

I fluctuate between doubting évery move I make and being completely sure and proud of myself. I miss that gray area.

What progress did I make today?

Figured out internet, insurance and neighbors of the new place. Also swapped stuff with the ex.

What went well today:

Getting home on time for my evening ritual.

What I could have done to make my day better:

EAT MORE VEGGIES AND FRUIT. YOU FOOL.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try not to let the doubts get the better of me.

Goals:

Survive the day, eat properly, receive keys to new place, clean it and start the move! Also clean old place and prep it for the big move! HOLY HELL! IT'S HERE ALREADY!

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Day 13

It's here. The dawn of chaos is upon us. That a way too much scotch.

The apartment has been signed, paperwork is done, now it's time to actually move. Things have changed so quickly. 2 weeks ago I broke up with the ex. I've seen her twice since and both times have been heartbreaking. I'm still not sure of anything. But there's no going back anymore. My aunt, grandma and niece helped me clean the new place. They were impressed with the size and how fancy it was. It's rather expensive too 😛 So it better be impressive!

They notice the cracks in my armor. They know me well and how I cope. They are truly loving and forgiving creatures. At least compared to me. I set bars very high for myself so often everybody else seems like a saint. 

I'm tired, stressed out, scared (terrified even), ... I have so many things racing through me. I almost relapsed twice today. But I'm still here, still breathing. I didn't eat properly and I probably won't sleep well tonight. I just hope there's a moment of reprieve soon. 

I basically had some cereal this morning, 2 kiwis, a cup of coffee, 2 pieces of bread with some chocolate paste, a lot of water, and then scotch, chocolate and Doritos. 

I know it's all some kind of masochistic coping mechanism. I know I'm capable of doing better. But a part of me just wants to sit here and just let it all burn. Thankfully, despite that urge, I still haven't relapsed. I haven't called the ex, I haven't watched porn, I haven't lost hours and hours on mindless browsing. There are urges, I acknowledge that. And there is still a LOT of room for improvement. There are also many obstacles ahead. I almost sent a message to a hot girl I used to know to find a rebound. There was an instance where she basically raped me. And I was going to go back to her. What is wrong with me? I won't go on Tinder and I won't watch porn. But it's clear there's still some evil shit lurking inside of me.

Fuck. It's all so hard and overwhelming sometimes. I just wish she was here to guide my ass through it all. But then again, if she was, she'd probably find a way to make it all even harder.

Either way, this is my last night in my crummy little excuse for a bedroom. The next 3 days will be rougher than wiping your ass with sandpaper. And the next 3-4 weeks won't be a walk in the park either. But I think I'll live. I might get a bruise or two or maybe even a scar. But I'll live. And after that, I'll get busy living.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

My family helped me clean up the place marvelously. 

Body/health

Sleep can only be called iffy. Food is sub-par. I am weakened, easily drowsy and not very able at some points.

Mind/soul

Complete madness. Alice in Wonderland ain't got nothing on me. I keep feeling like an actual crazy person who needs a mental hospital (being dramatic here).

What progress did I make today?

New apartment is clean, worked on paperwork of new place, met neighbors.

What went well today:

Not relapsing.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Food, sleep, concentration, ...

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try not to faint and maybe eat properly. Keep my wits about me.

Goals:

Basically move everything from old apartment to new apartment and do a little dance.

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About your Ex, just block her man and don't look back. If she was a negative influence as you say she was, then move on. If you don't then you are saying you want this relationship to continue. So you decide.

 By you engaging with her, you are tickling her emotions and making the thing stay alive. It's like addiction, you have to take the temptation away if you are serious about this. A thing that helps is to have the end in mind. Where do you want to go and what behaviours does that require? Surely being in this negative relationship isn't part of that, is it? You have to be rational about this if you don't want to be the victim of your emotions.

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On 7/14/2018 at 1:59 AM, Arch said:

About your Ex, just block her man and don't look back. If she was a negative influence as you say she was, then move on. If you don't then you are saying you want this relationship to continue. So you decide.

 By you engaging with her, you are tickling her emotions and making the thing stay alive. It's like addiction, you have to take the temptation away if you are serious about this. A thing that helps is to have the end in mind. Where do you want to go and what behaviours does that require? Surely being in this negative relationship isn't part of that, is it? You have to be rational about this if you don't want to be the victim of your emotions.

I know man. I blocked her on every conceivable medium: Facebook, Instagram, phone number, ... Everything except for email. We still need to exchange some info about payments, insurance, stuff like that. But it easily ends up just replacing the rest. I should probably block it too. If there's really something going on that needs my immediate attention, she's got ways of contacting me. Through friends or her mom's phone, ... 

Rationally I know I should cut it off. But 2 floors down from my brain there is somebody not agreeing with it. There is still a lot of love. It's like riding on a bike on the freeway with no protection on. And you know that you're going to have to jump off for your own safety because the bike's on fire. But you have no protective gear. So it's going to hurt. It's not just going to be a bruise or a few scratches. It's going to turn you into a human crayon on the road. 

You're right, Arch. I really admit you are. And I've done things, like the breakup itself, that come from a rational place. But matters of the heart can steer you in the opposite direction it seems. Comparing it all to addiction is a very strong metaphor. Thanks for waking me up a bit more.

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Day 14

I am kind of cheating here. It's 1pm on day 15 but I partied hard last night so I was in no state to write.

The move is over! It was a long and hard day. The broken heart and seeing all of my stuff in bags and boxes. That does something to a man. I'm very happy and lucky my childhood friend and my aunt, niece and grandma were there to help me. We broke a few sweats, I treated them to lunch and the old place has been cleaned. Now all that's left is beginning anew.

...

Holy shit. I have to begin anew! From scratch! OMFG THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! I can't even make coffee because I have nothing to boil my water with. I have a coffeemaker somewhere in a box and cleaning supplies to clean it in some other box and in what box did I put the coffee?

*sigh*

In the end, I showered here for the first time and decided to go out. I texted a friend, my niece, my sister, ... to see what would stick. Lo and behold! Everybody was going out! 

I ended up dancing the night away, drinking like an Irish dockworker and reveling in the general feeling of euphoria. I felt so happy, words do no justice to the feeling.

Of course, now that I've slept and seen the load of work before me, I'm much less happy 😛 

There's no internet, barely any furniture, I'm hung over a bit.

But all in all, progress was made. Major progress. Now I'll start using Trello, a budgetting plan, a cleaning schedule, a food schedule, ...

It's going to take some time to get everything out of the boxes and set up the mentioned schedules. But this is truly laying a strong foundation for the next months.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went out for drinks and dancing and I had an amazing time with my niece. We're not that close but we kept on talking throughout the entire night. It was great!

Body/health

Well, ... Hangover. And I'll probably be surviving today and tomorrow on the most basic things like cereal. But nutritious changes are coming soon!

Mind/soul

The move was hard on me. I feel like the people helping me out were there a bit more for the emotional support rather then the manual labor.

What progress did I make today?

Old apartment is empty, new apartment is not ^^ Both have been cleaned. And socially I feel like I made good moves forward.

What went well today:

Dancing, not caring about what people think, not relapsing (I had several urges)

What I could have done to make my day better:

Probably eat & sleep better. But all in all, it's understandable I'm lacking here.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Most likely not drink. Cut off ties with the ex for good. Try to get a good sleep and at least try to eat properly.

Goals:

Unpack everything. Make use of Trello to schedule what needs to happen in the next weeks. What do I need to buy, when, where... Set up budgeting and schedules for food and cleaning. 

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Day 15

Today was a mixed bag. I partied until 3 am last night and had a lot to drink. The result? Sleeping in until noon and a big hangover. I had trouble all day just functioning. It was kind of worth it though, it was an amazing night. You see, that's typical PhoenixKing. Amplifying a good feeling whenever it occurs, even if that means I will suffer for it later. Same goes for food. I have a massive appetite and have always had trouble showing restraint. I am still very appreciative of how amazing it all was last night. But that doesn't make my body ache any less. 

I unboxed almost everything! There's a few odds and ends but overall it's done. I took me a full day. I am also rather empty now. My stomach aches because I didn't have a proper meal. I had some cereal but I just kept on going through the day, not eating well. The broken heart had a lot to do with this, on top of the emotions from moving and unboxing. My guitar also got wasted in the move. I'll have to have it fixed. I wanted to play so badly. I feel like I lost today. Everything was unboxed and I had the balls to read the ex's love letters one last time before throwing the away. I kept on needing a full day to recover every time I read something she had written. It hurt, but it's for my own good. I also told her that I had to block the emails. I need to effectively cut her out of my life for now. A part of me truly wants her back and want to feel loved again like that. But rationally this is very necessary. Still hurts like a motherfucker.

So those two things are victories. Sadly I was not as efficient today as I would have liked to. I skipped the better part of my important new routines. So I'm not having a clean and fresh new start here. I also was hurting so badly at some point, I caught myself mindlessly browsing for a while. I was watching the World Cup finale at the same time but I feel like that's only an excuse. I haven't been using Duolingo either. I had porn urges, gaming urges, ... Overall it was a difficult day. 

Now I'm light in the head from all the work and not eating well. It's always a financial misstep to order food. But I felt like eating something properly was more important than watching what I spend. Also, I'm  going to cheer my ass up with some Whose Line Is It Anyway and some Archer! 

Honestly, sometimes I want it all to be over. Just skip ahead to a few months in the future. Starting over is so fucking hard. You have to simultaneously fight your old habits and work to start and also maintain your new ones! I miss using Tinder to feel attractive and wanted. I miss being held and loved. I miss coming home to her. I miss the attention, the jokes and doing voices.  I miss being kissed and touched and having sex. I'm not against fuckbuddies or a one night stand. But emotionally it would feel like a really bad move. 

It's just all so fucking messy and complicated. The breakup, moving, Respawning, ... I set the bar really high for myself because I want amazing things for me. But damn! I am exhausting! At least I can say that I'm clean. Day 15 already!

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Had the gall to block her emails and throw away all of her love letters. Unboxed about 90% of what I own. Started using Trello.

Body/health

In need of nutrients. Badly. Lightheaded as we speak.

Mind/soul

Numbed. Sad. Tired. I miss laughing.

What progress did I make today?

Used Trello to keep track of what I need to buy. Organized my closets, spent my first night here, unboxed almost everything.

What went well today:

Stopping and thinking of my body and what I need, proceeding to order food and sitting down to watch stuff I hope will make me laugh

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eat proper food. Work more or be more efficient. Not put the bar so high for myself maybe?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Start my day earlier. Mind what I eat. Go outside in the sun and be a bit more social. Not mindlessly browse.

Goals:

Paperwork, insurance, internet, electricity, set up my budget. Be kind to myself.

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