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It really does. That's how you know it's bad for you. We're gonna get through this. You'll be able to fill that time again for the gigs and photo shoots. And it's only a few more hours until you see your gf anyways. Take this time for yourself, go for a walk, visit a garden or something, etc. 

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11/03/19 – 2 pm - Days without games & porn: 22

So the D&D-session I did last night was good! I was finally able to give all of them a hero-moment. And I've been making good progress with my worldbuilding. It's really turning int something alive and breathing. The meeting about the podcast was long but fun. We might be doing a live show soon and we discussed the selling of merchandise. There's so many people on our Discord-server nowadays, we've had to enlarge the team and we have a few volunteers now to keep an eye out. We were all happy and proud and suprised and amazed that within 1 year the whole project has truly taken off. There's fans, there's reactions, there's artwork being sent to us, ... Utterly blessed!

Elien and I are doing well too. She needs to chill out sometimes, though. She's always running around doing 1 million things (kind of like me, I know) and it's making her sick. Well, I'd say that she should be majorly sick and lie in bed and chill and just let her body recover and rest. But she's too busy so the adrenaline just pushes her onwards. It's making sure she's functioning but always a tad under the weather. Much like me and lots of other people I know, it's another case of The Millenials. Feeling so much pressure to put in effort to get all your ducks in a row, the the point where just doing your groceries feels like a huge deal. Heck, it's tiring me out just thinking about it.

Japan is nearby and there's one more hurdle to jump. Elien needs to meet my travelmate. Mainly because we used to sleep together and I don't want anything polluting the air. So we're having dinner tonight with the three of us. In a way to show Elien that there's nothing to be worried about, but also to make sure they both see each other at least once and have gotten to know each other a little bit since I'll be gone with her for about two weeks without Elien. Honestly, I'm a bit nervous. I probably shouldn't be, but still. 

I'm going to try and finish my writing today. My keyboard is annoying the hell outta me because the "D"-key keeps breaking... I should've finished a while ago. I don't think I'll be getting another contract from them. But fingers crossed?

 

Recent highlight: The D&D-session went great and I wrote a whole bunch of lore!

Budget status: My paycheck this month will cover just food and rent. I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to feel like I should work more and try my best more at this freelancing... This is kind of scary.

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and have a productive day at the office and then kick some ass at the Krav Maga practice

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13/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 24

My writing gig finished and the feedback was positive. I hope they'll hire me again. It's looking promising but the fact that I'd be in Japan makes it difficult for the timeframe. They want to start casting actors and running trials asap. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

I have been a bit more thorough with my planning and it seems to be taking effect.

I also got a haircut. It's a bit dramatic. I went from full hipster manbun shoulder-length hair to a 1920's cut, like from Peaky Blinders. I did always have a penchant for the dramatic...

My podcast will be doing a live gig next month in my favourite local bar. We're making merchandise as we speak. It's crazy how much we've progressed. We have actual fans.... I wonder if I'll be asked to be on pictures or if people would want my autograph or something 😛 

 

Recent highlight: My girlfriend was very empathetic about me panicking about my hair. I have a bit of a developing bald spot. Normally I'd feel silly and dramatic. But she just rolls with it and reacts with kindness. It's stuff like that that really make you feel special. We even stayed up 'till 1am just talking and laughing. Our sleep pattern hates us, but we're in love.

Budget status: I'm about to check all the boxes I need to for Japan. Passport, payments, ... This means that I'll buy tickets for stuff I want to go to and see and visit. My travel buddy isn't coming along to every single thing. So it's rather exciting to do this on my own. I'm terrified my bank account will recede into darkness. But there's sumo contests to see, temples to visit, guides to book, ... This is why we have a job! To make the money do stuff that we like!

My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass at the office. I finally found something I'm good at and that makes my colleagues give positive feedback on.

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Just wanted to check in and tell you good job man, it's not an easy process but you're staying with it and I think it's giving you results. Keep up the efforts!

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14/03/19 – 23 pm - Days without games & porn: 25

Porn is bugging me less. Nowadayts my brain is already in Japan. I did fuck up, though. A fuckup worth 200 bucks 😕 ... My passport needs renewal. And because of paperwork, timing and flights, I need to pay extra for a quickened procedure. UGH. I hate paperwork...

I have yet to sit down and arrange tickets and stuff for shows, temples, tours, ... I came home and ate and then left for practice. It's so late now. I hope to have finished the Japan stuff by the end of the weekend. But there's the funeral and my girlfriend's move. So I might have to sacrifice some stuff here and there to get it done. 

Got a message from somebody I met at the storytelling conference from 2 weeks ago. She wants me to lead some acting workshops! It's so cool that my presence there really paid off!

Krav Maga practice was brutal. We got trained on how to defend attack from behind and my neck looks like a warzone from all of the grapples

My new haircut feels amazing. It looks cool and I feel like a new man. I honestly believe in doing stuff like this to mark off old chapters and begin new ones.

 

Recent highlight: Everyone keeps telling me my hair looks amazing.

Budget status: I have yet to pay lots of stuff for Japan. It's making me nervous. I hope I didn't miscalculate anything. I tend to do that... I hope I don't rip my bank account in two over this, because there's really no more going back at this point.

My one goal for tomorrow: Help my girl move and try and get 1 thing in order for Japan.

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17/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 28

I helped my girl move her stuff Friday. She's finally moving out of a house with 3 roommates and into her own apartment. She's worried about money stuff, obviously, it's a big upgrade and that comes with extra costs. She's been used to spending money frivolously on clothes and fancy food. But I feel like it's a strong and healthy step towards self-development and growing up. She might get a roommate, though, to cut costs. But for now, she's eager to just do it solo and I encourage that. Her 3 previous housemates were ... complicated. They used to be friends that even helped her get over her ex. But it slowly turned sour. The house is owned by the two dudes. One of them is a nice but a bit of a coward and never stands up the the other guy. That latter dude has some form or autism and is a gaming junkie. He uses memes, math and logic to communicate. I understand why and how, of course, but that's an explanation and not a excuse to be a dick. The last roommate is gamerman's girlfriend. She's got a psychological disorder because of repressed trauma of some kind. When pressed, she dissociates and will just hum, bang her head or just go catatonic for a bit. He is utterly unfazed by this and doesn't see anything wrong with it. My girl was first forbidden to help her out, despite being a trained psychologist, but then after she ignored an episode of hers, they roasted her for ignoring a person in need. They went back and forth with her like that a lot. My girl is lovely, but sometimes a bit too nice. I have learned to bear my fangs and channel my anger when needed. That's something she lacks for now. She can be a bit too kind for her own good. So I'm happy she's moving away.

I spent the night there. It was romantic and hilarious. We tackled the move as a team! I took apart the bed while she filled boxes with stuff. We shoved it all into my car and after 3 drives, we got everything sorted and had all we need to spend the night. She bought me pizza, we had sparkling wine and a show we liked. We ate and drank on her bed, the only piece of furniture we were able to move in those few short hours. But it was all we needed. We had an absolutely lovely night and morning. There was nothing in the apartment but us, pizza boxes and an empty bottle of sparkling wine. And it was perfect.

Then I had to leave for the funeral.

My aunt died last week. She's lost the battle against cancer. The chemo was taking effect, prolonging her life a bit. Her kids had to convince her to get chemo and radiation, she was thinking of letting the disease eat her. The treatment took effect, but she'd waited too long already. It'd gotten into her bones. The kids were still hell bent on saving her or prolonging their time. But my aunt, without telling the kids, took matters into her own hands and stopped the classical Western treatment. She spent her entire life savings on crazy therapies. Shamans and witch doctors, people pretending to be healers, liars, conmen and frauds. My aunt lost herself to the grifters, eager to take her money, spent in desperation. Her discovered all of this only two weeks ago. They feel like they had time with their mom stolen from them by the alternative healers and the person who kept her secret and stimulated this path: my other aunt. There were 3 sisters, my mom being one of them. Now there's only two left. My cousins both didn't have the luxury of time to deal with the frustration and anger they felt, their mom was too far gone already, the money already spent. She was dying. They had to press pause on all of that clusterfucky stuff to sit by her bed in the hospital, waiting for her last breath.

The funeral was warm, fuzzy and lovely. Her kids gave amazing speeches. The eldest is 3 years younger than me and I'm a professional speaker. But I could never have given a eulogy with half as much class as that man. He joked that he was glad the crowd couldn't see his knees shaking. He told stories about how their mom used to spray their rooms from them with anti-monster spray. He was so charming. He had been told by his mom that she didn't want her funeral to be sad, stiff and full of monologues. She wanted people to smile and laugh. He pulled it off with swagger. Her sister, though, the other aunt who got her into the 'alternative swamp', as my cousin named it, had a different approach. She opened the funeral with a 5 page-speech. She even forced her kid, my 8-year-old cousin to recite a poem. The latter chickened out. No kid in their right mind would voluntarily do such a thing so we all assume that my crazy aunt pushed her into it. None of us are nowadays able to look at this aunt with the same pair of eyes. Part of me blames her and feels like she's a lost sheep. Part of me still loves her, she's no mean or ill-bearing woman. She just never learned to truly fend for herself.

Sorry for the huge post. This is my diary after all. I just need to type these things out... It's been an emotional few weeks. The detoxing from porn is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have lost my grandmother and my aunt in the span of 1 month. I've started freelancing more and stopped by full-time job and replaced it with a part-time one. My relationship with my girlfriend has blossomed and is showing no red flags. There's a fucktonne of changes. So many things to adapt to and process. I'm a bit of a mess sometimes. But I still haven't relapsed. It's getting easier. I look forward to getting to 90 days. The next few weeks will be less hard because I'll be in Japan until the 10th. I'll go and see cherry blossoms for the first time. I've been wanting to see Japan all my life. It's a dream come true. I will probably cry a lot while I'm there. A part of me thinks that I'll return as another man. Spiritually more awake. Changed forever. Sometimes I think it's folly and childish and very dramatic. Typically me. And there are other times when I can truly imagine myself there, all alone in the middle of some busy square or desolate temple, thinking about who I am and what I want to do with my life, who I want to become...

There was this man at the funeral. His name is Alfred. I met him a few times when he was a lazy teenager. He'd travelled from Finland to get to the funeral. My deceased aunt was very active in a charity foundation. When I was a kid, there were a few kids from Romania spending summer at our village. My aunt took in one or two or three, so did my mom. He had left the slums a few years after that and had kept in touch with my aunt before she'd gotten cancer. Apparently he'd done quite well for himself. She read a lot of books about succes, finance, entrepreneurship, communication, self-improvement, ... He'd been a student, a butcher, a student again and now she's in healthcare and into globetrotting. He's lived in Germany, Spain, and now is in Finland. This random lazy kid from the slums, turned his whole life around and travelled the world. Switching jobs, self-educating, ... I made me very humble. If he can do that, why couldn't I? 

I've been noticing that I often can't or won't stop browsing Reddit or any other social media or even Netflix. I have a limiter on my PC and on my phone, though. Thank heavens. I'm sure that I'm using it as a crutch somehow. After I am done with the 90 days of detoxing from porn, and when I feel ready, I'll probably detox from this as well. I don't want to make my cup overflow, there's only so many things you can handle. And I have yet to read Atomic Habits and I really still shouldn't be this demanding of myself... But I want to achieve so much, climb so high, ... Sometimes I am angry at myself for no working harder and slacking off so much. But being such a good-for-nothing junkie. I look at the bad stuff and slip into being so demanding of myself. But I've done good things, I've taken the right steps. I guess I'm just still used to getting immediate results.

Maybe after Japan. Maybe after the book. Maybe next year. I hope I find peace with this one day. I know things like these take time. But some days are harder than other. And today is totes a hard day. There's so many things to do and arrange. It's stressing me out, just imagining the list. It never ends. The infernal to-do list.

 

TL;DR - My aunt died. My girl moved. No relapse. And the only thing that's more intense than Netflix seducing me to binge, is how demanding I am of myself.

 

Recent highlight: The first night and morning in my girl's new place and us working as a team to move all of her stuff.

Budget status: I'm going to FINALLY try and sort some stuff out for Japan. I already lost the opportunity to see some sumo's training because of procrastinating. I probably would not have enjoyed it because of how rigid and stiff it was, but still it's a shame.

My one goal for tomorrow: Nail the busy day: Get new pictures for my passport. Then go nail the improv gig I got. Then go and do a photoshoot and get some new headshots out of the shoot.

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22/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 33

I have been sick since Monday. Omfg, I feel like shit. The doctor said it's a viral infection of my airways. I have a stuffy and runny nose, major headaches and a fever. My lungs feel like they're filled with mucus and slime and I cough a lot. Today is the first day it's been a bit better. I leave for Japan in 4 days so I'm a bit scared I'll not be at full strength when I leave. I've taken a few sick days, cancelled an audition and called grandpa (who is now a widower) that I wouldn't be able to see him before I leave for Japan. My girl has been here most days, she's been taking care of my like an angel. Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, ... She's so kind, caring and nurturing. I'm lucky dude.

I feel like I've been half-alive for the last couple of days. There's been no real addiction issues because I'm either asleep, coughing or worrying about Japan. I sometimes get up at night because my nasal cavity feel like it's on fire and I can't breathe that well when I lie down. It's been a few year since I've been this passive and I hate it. I know I'm supposed to sit my ass down, stay warm and do nothing. But it drives me crazy because I'm such a go-getter. I have to actively make an effort to not speed out of here and go do stuff. But I'd make things worse... 

I'll probably spend the next couple of days recovering and planning some more stuff for Japan. Part of me is terrified and a part of me is excited and not worried at all about recovering in time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see which side wins.

Recent highlight: My girl taking such good care of me.

Budget status: I should contact my electricity provider about changing my monthly bills. I'm also a bit scared of spending money in Japan but this is why I worked so hard. To relax and chill out.

My one goal for tomorrow: Do as little as possible. There's a huge list, but a great day would be a day where I just focus all of my efforts on getting better. I'm an adventurer and an improviser, the trip through Japan is going to me amazing no matter what. So I have to try and not worry about things, relax, let go and just let my body heal.

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Sorry about your aunt dying.  It seems there's a lot of misfortune happening health-wise with your family in the past few months.  I'm glad you are staying strong and being supported through it all.  I'm also sorry about your illness.  Rest, water, basic foods, and medicine are all going to help you there.  This is a great time to read, relax, write stand up material, write storylines for DnD, watch inspirational people online briefly, but not too long, draw, idk.

Just giving some options.

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25/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 36

Well, I leave for Japan in less than 24h. Today is all about buying the final tiny things I'd need like an adapter for Japanese power sockets and picking up my passport. 

Sadly, I'm still rather sick. I don't have a fever anymore but I still need to sit down and rest every few minutes. I'm weakened. I also still cough, wheeze and have trouble breathing. I'm pretty sure the worst part is behind me and it's just my body tidying up the mess inside of me. But I'm getting a bit scared. I hope this won't ruin my trip or make things more difficult.

All in all, I always kept up that I love Japan so much, everything could go wrong and I'd still have a blast because of the simple fact that I'd be in Japan when things go wrong. All I have to do today is pack by bag. I'll start in a minute when my medication kicks in. I'm still rather tired and feel like shit. But I have to go. The trip won't wait for me. There's 1000 things to be arranged. Clothes, food, music, ... Granted, I'm going to be pushing myself a little bit here. Not a good thing if you're going to be travelling and you should be resting. But I'm not going to cancel 2 weeks of my dream destination over an infection. My health is important, but I'm also not made of glass.
I have a doctor's appointment this evening and I'll be able to drop by an emergency pharmacy if need be. I'll explain the situation, ask if it's normal I'm still rather sick, ask about the risks and possible medication. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit worried about the pressure in the airplane. My ears, nose and sinusses are so fucked.

I'll be gone for a week or two. I hope to return with a bit more spiritual insight, tonnes of stories, and some peace of mind. I'll be bringing my copy of Atomic Habits with me too. 

I've been waiting my whole life for this. I can't believe it's finally happening. I'm going to Japan.

This is going to be the craziest, coolest shit ever.

See you all when I get back!!!

 

Recent highlight: Did a taping of 3 podcast episodes Sundaymorning. I took something out of me because I was still sick. But we totally nailed it. I look forward to our live show next month.

Budget status: Wired about 1000 bucks for the trip. Should be enough. Still have enough saved for 2 months of rent. Add to that that I'll get my part-time paycheck soon and I assume April and May will be okay months but I'll need more freelance work soon. I have planned a freelance-get-work-brainstorm-day with myself where I'll send my new headshots to casting agencies, try and get some auditions done, etc...

My one goal for tomorrow: Be mindful of my body and my health. Improvise and stay true to myself and what I want from this trip. Relax and just enjoy the ride.

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