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23 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

That last phrase really made me laught out loud; thanks! I do tend to be rather demanding of myself. I have difficulties with chilling out and just being happy with things. I feel like I've wasted so much time gaming. There's a career to be made here and I'd rather do it while I'm young! Although you are right. Explaining why I'm being hard on myself is one thing but it's no excuse. I feel like being kind and forgiving to myself is one of my big life lessons I've yet to grasp.

You'll get there. I'm learning myself that there's a difference between no excuses and being too hard on yourself whilst not giving yourself an excuse. I think we'll all get there with some time and work. Keep it up anyway.

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19/02/19 - 11 pm - Days without games & porn: 2

I installed a pornblocker and I'm more aware of my cravings and the hows and the whys. It's still a daily battle though.

My replacement is starting next week at work. Yay! Finally some changes. I'll start part-time on the first of March, so I'll get two days a week where I can focus on myself, freelancing and trying to do what I love.

The feedback on my writing wasn't that bad. I have yet to actually sit down and work, though. I also need to send a message to renew my contract. But I'm a tad swamped at the moment. Starting from the 1st, I'm happy I'll have some more breathing room.

I spent the better part of the day prepping a d&d-sesh for tomorrow. One of them is a friend, one is an aquaintance, one is the girlfriend of the last and and the last one is a doozy. He owns a super popular bar in town and is a massive boon to my freelancer network. I feel like this is a great way to get on his good side and connect properly. 

I'm rather tired so my brain is a bit fuzzy. I'm struggling but also doing fine at the same time. I've been texting my mom more and more, which is nice. And I have a good shot at getting the 1000-bucks-gig! They already asked me to keep a specific date open in my schedule. But that means I'll have to make the office let me go. I do think that if the freelancing picks up and I can risk it all financially, I'll probably be gone within the year. Worst case scenario, I stay for another full year and I get my year-bonus at the office. Best case scenario, I shine like a bright diamond and really apply myself and try to make a living as a freelancer. Maybe I should start a business at some point?

Recent highlight: I bought Atomic Habits and a DM's Guide Book for D&D.

Budget status: Might land the commercial!

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and have a great D&D-session while also minding my health, physical and mental. I have a lot going on, I don't want this hobby to feel like an obligation because I like giving others a good time. I am the DM and in a sense I am the boss. When I say that it's done because I want to get an early night, I should lay it down like that. The last thing that I want is to get behind on important stuff like my work and my writing and my household because I can't say no to my players.

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On 2/19/2019 at 4:41 PM, Phoenixking said:

19/02/19 - 11 pm - Days without games & porn: 2

I installed a pornblocker and I'm more aware of my cravings and the hows and the whys. It's still a daily battle though.

My replacement is starting next week at work. Yay! Finally some changes. I'll start part-time on the first of March, so I'll get two days a week where I can focus on myself, freelancing and trying to do what I love.

The feedback on my writing wasn't that bad. I have yet to actually sit down and work, though. I also need to send a message to renew my contract. But I'm a tad swamped at the moment. Starting from the 1st, I'm happy I'll have some more breathing room.

I spent the better part of the day prepping a d&d-sesh for tomorrow. One of them is a friend, one is an aquaintance, one is the girlfriend of the last and and the last one is a doozy. He owns a super popular bar in town and is a massive boon to my freelancer network. I feel like this is a great way to get on his good side and connect properly. 

I'm rather tired so my brain is a bit fuzzy. I'm struggling but also doing fine at the same time. I've been texting my mom more and more, which is nice. And I have a good shot at getting the 1000-bucks-gig! They already asked me to keep a specific date open in my schedule. But that means I'll have to make the office let me go. I do think that if the freelancing picks up and I can risk it all financially, I'll probably be gone within the year. Worst case scenario, I stay for another full year and I get my year-bonus at the office. Best case scenario, I shine like a bright diamond and really apply myself and try to make a living as a freelancer. Maybe I should start a business at some point?

Recent highlight: I bought Atomic Habits and a DM's Guide Book for D&D.

Budget status: Might land the commercial!

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and have a great D&D-session while also minding my health, physical and mental. I have a lot going on, I don't want this hobby to feel like an obligation because I like giving others a good time. I am the DM and in a sense I am the boss. When I say that it's done because I want to get an early night, I should lay it down like that. The last thing that I want is to get behind on important stuff like my work and my writing and my household because I can't say no to my players.

Good job.  I actually made a strong discovery into why I get such a rush searching for porn rather than watching it.  I'll write about it.  I hope you get the gig.  Porn blockers are a great thing.  I'm taking my writing slowly.  Even if I do a couple minutes here and there it keeps me on track.

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22/02/19 - 1 am - Days without games & porn: 5

My last 'regular' day at work. I'm so happy the replacement is starting this Monday. I've already been thinking a lot about what I'll be wanting to do with my newfound extra time. Auditions, casting tapes, networking, ... My colleague isn't so happy that I'll only be seeing her properly one day a week anymore. But it's time to spread my wings and fly! 

I spent the better part of the evening clearing out my spare room. It was filled with unclassified paperwork, silly hats and stuff I use for dressing up or sketches, decorations, sports gear, stuff from moving, laundry, ... I organized everything and made some new space. Eventually I'll have to save up some money to buy furniture like a proper desk, some shelves and bookcases and stuff like that to store everything in. Right now it's in boxes on the ground. But my ambition is to turn it into a workspace. 

The landlord's coming Saturdaymorning. So now that this has been done, I only have to clean up my living room and give the whole place a bit of a scrub'n'rub. Elien will be coming over too. I have an improv show Saturday night and during the day a workshop about how to teach classes of improv. My first class I'll be teaching is in April. I don't really know if it's going to be making me any money, but the experience is more valuable at this point. I need to educate myself more and prove on my resume that I'm capable and experienced. Elien also pointed out that the volunteering she does for a phone center for people in need could be useful for me because I mentioned wanting to help or coach people and because they give great training. I did agree, but nuanced that I might need to look a bit closer. My only actual proven skills are acting, performing and speaking. Those will be my bread and butter for now. I'll have to pick 1 more aspect, only 1 more longterm goal to work on this year. Will it be starting a blog? Will it be training to be a coach? Will it be educating myself in social media or copywriting or content creation? I have to be focused because if my spectrum is too wide, results won't come fast enough and I'm not made of money. I think it's good that I take things so seriously, but we'll have to evaluate things every month at a time.

I can still feel the nagging sensation in the back of my skull. My brain needing it's fix. I can feel it starving. It wants me to go on social media and lose time there, it wants me to binge on Netflix and YouTube, it wants me to find and watch porn or pornographic stuff. I can feel it being hungry for a quick fix. I've had a slight headache for days now... I hope it slows down soon.

I've been having all sorts of cool ideas for my D&D-world. A town that's all about lavender, it's main export product, with a lavender festival and fields surrounding the city, guards with black and yellow outfits. A city far up north, built as a giant mountain fortress, taken over by demons, using people as slaves, a dark city with even darker secrets. A mystery surrounding the continent, something about an ancient druidic prophecy and several circles endeavouring to stop the end of the world as they know it. A whole area of the continent torn by war, so badly that their level of technological advances are slowed down by their thirst for combat. Themes like racism, family, hard choices and learning to embrace new people and daring to be vulnerable. I'm soooooo looking forward to this. I now have 2 groups I DM for and I'll be placing them on separate ends of a continent. They won't know it, but one day they might meet and the adventures of one group will influence the plot of the other and vice versa. I'll also make a huge map, effectively creating my own world in detail. Rivers, villages, hills, ... I fucking love making stories like this and then seeing the effects it has on my players.

Recent highlight: The messy spare room got cleaned and is ready to be slowly transformed into my freelance workspace.

Budget status: Got paid once more for my writing gig and for a poetry gig I did a while back. There's still one more payment due. I actually am saving money now! There's about 2000 on my savings account, together with the 370 I already have ready for Japan, means that with my next normal paycheck and maybe in combo with either the commercial or the extension of my writing gig, I'll both have enough money to splurge on Japan and not risk being broke when I get back and have a little extra to cover the risks of being a freelancer. I am so fucking relieved. Let's not hope something crazy were to happy like my car exploding or my breaking my leg.

My one goal for tomorrow: Finish the cleaning and maybe try to write.

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51 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

I have an improv show Saturday night and during the day a workshop about how to teach classes of improv. My first class I'll be teaching is in April. I don't really know if it's going to be making me any money, but the experience is more valuable at this point. I need to educate myself more and prove on my resume that I'm capable and experienced. Elien also pointed out that the volunteering she does for a phone center for people in need could be useful for me because I mentioned wanting to help or coach people and because they give great training. I did agree, but nuanced that I might need to look a bit closer. My only actual proven skills are acting, performing and speaking. Those will be my bread and butter for now. I'll have to pick 1 more aspect, only 1 more longterm goal to work on this year. Will it be starting a blog? Will it be training to be a coach? Will it be educating myself in social media or copywriting or content creation? I have to be focused because if my spectrum is too wide, results won't come fast enough and I'm not made of money. I think it's good that I take things so seriously, but we'll have to evaluate things every month at a time.

May I ask where you're going with this? I haven't really been following your journal so far, but this sounds spicy 😄 

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19 hours ago, JustTom said:

May I ask where you're going with this? I haven't really been following your journal so far, but this sounds spicy 😄 

Well, I've been working in a dull office for a while and this is kind of me taking the jump and daring to find a more fulfilling career. I have many things that I'm capable of or passionate about, the main one being talking and speaking to people and helping them grow. But it takes a while for new skills to grow, let alone actually being able to market and sell them and live off them. So starting from the 1st of March, I'll be working part-time at the boring office and I'll have 4 days a week (weekend included) that I'll be filling in as I seem fit. I'll probably worry a lot about money and do stuff like actualy make a home office. But I'll also go to castings and try to audition for stuff and I'll try and figure out along the way what I want to be doing. Short term I'll be making money by acting, doing improv and public speaking. So lots of trying to get gigs and next month I'll already be teaching improv, so I'm trying to get several revenue streams. The months after that, wel... It's a mystery! My girl is a psychologist and thinks that coaching would suit me well. But I have many skills to develop, I feel, before I dare say that I'm ready for that. But I could also try my hand at social media or marketing. I could start a blog about communication or emotions... There's just so much ambition!

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22/02/19 - 23pm - Days without games & porn: 5

Work flew by. I did spend a lot of time thinking about the world I want my D&D-players to be in. I thought of some cool stuff like a town that's all about lavender and flowers, with city guard dressed in yellow and black and a nearby druid of the spores that went a bit crazy and summons big insects to ruin it all. Or a city, taken over my demons but in secret, so it all looks normal untill you remain there for a while and they try to indoctrinate you, ... Anyway, next Monday the new girl is going to be starting. I cleaned up my desk because we'd be sharing it. I'll be at the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. So when I work weekends, I'll be able to take a breather on Mondays. It's certainly going to be a new thing to adapt to. I hope my acting skills and all of the extra time will be the things I need to generate a big enough revenue stream to support me while I educate myself further and enter the world of freelancing.

I hung out with another freelancer I met through Instagram. We exchanged ideas and got to know each other. He has a greeting card business which he combines with 2 other jobs. One is tending bar at a shared workspace in the center of town and the other is working at a hipster shop for flowers and plants. It all sounds so cool. His Instagram looks amazing too. He seems like a good connection to have and honestly, he seems like a cool guy. I wonder if we'll stay in touch (because I'm horrible at maintaining connections).

Elien is coming over tonight. I gave the whole place a rinse. Now that my spare room is cleaned up, I'll start morphing it into a workspace but that'll need me to get more furniture because it's still filled with boxes of stuff right now. It's going to need a makeover. I'll get a bookcase or something similar to store my stuff in. Or I'd need some wardrobe or a new way to store my other clothes so I free up some space for my stuff. It's going to be one of those longterm projects. But I'm rather happy and proud with the progress. 

I'm scared on the one hand. But I'm also rather happy. This is the beginning of a new chapter. 

Tomorrow the landlord visits me to see if the place isn't wrecked yet. I know it's weird but contractually he has the right to check up on his property. On top of that, I think the previous tenant was a huuuuuge issue. So they just might want to get some peace of mind and see for themselves that I'm no freak or something that uses this place as a meth lab. I'll also attend a workshop about teaching improv. And there's an improv gig I have in the evening that's meant as a dry run for a Theater Tournament next month. So it's an exciting day tomorrow! I'm not sure I'll be able to write tomorrow. On top of it all, on Sunday I'll be going with Elien to her family's. A busy weekend!

Recent highlight: Hung out with this really cool dude, a freelancer I met on Instagram. He's been freelancing for 8 years now and was really motivating me to start my own business as a performer or a blogger or a coach.

Budget status: Nothing specific to report. No millions made yet. But also no crippling debt.

My one goal for tomorrow: Pull of a killer improv show and dazzle the crowd.

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Things will get better the more you hang out with like minded people. It worked for me with my cartoon. Glad you're meeting similar people. Your dnd night reminds me of my board game night. Good crew, good fun, healthy social life balance. I'm proud of you. 

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24/02/19 - 22pm - Days without games & porn: 7

Landlord visited and gave no issues but one. The water bill. Apparently there's an issue and I might have to backpay some stuff. Other than that, everything is okay.

I got taught how to teach an improv class rather basically. But in April I'll get to try it live. I hope to exceed expectations and maybe work my way into being one of the new regular teachers next season. It'd pay about 50 bucks cash per class so I totally feel like that's a well spent evening.

The gig was amazing. We killed it. We had a particular crazy moment when the other improv team (because it was a battle) challenged us to do a scene with Shakespearean English. They proceeded to do their scene first and kind of used up all of the good Shakespeare jokes and references so we had to get crazy. I jumped up because doing voice work in English is kind of my jam. (I should probably use this more for things but I'm not there yet, voice acting might be my cup of tea though) I set things in modern times! In a milkshake diner where the boss and his wife suddenly received the baby of the prophecy. After some hijinks and language jokes and puns, I took to the scene myself as an angry Scotsman who needed to kill the baby to save the honor of his clan. My two improv colleagues were at that point no longer using proper English, for comedic effect, and I suddenly was ranting in true Scottish. It was a great evening and we blew them all away.

Elien was sick though. I took her to see a docter and she's got an infected stomach 😞 We went to see her family today and it was great, but it was touch and go there for a second. We've been seeing each other for a while now and things have been so healthy, solid, communicative and warm. We've talked about the future, expectations, money, ... She said she'd known for a while, and then dropped the L-word. In my native tongue "Ik hou van je" is a big deal. I obviously reciprocated. I feel so blessed to have somebody so amazing by my side.

Tomorrow my replacement makes her debut. I'm curious.

I'm very tired and trying to make a new habit out of reading before going to sleep instead of Netlix. I'm not sure which it'll be when I turn in later.

Recent highlight: The gig was amazing and I'm very proud and happy. We're going to rock that tournament in 3 weeks!

Budget status: Learning about the water bill sucks. I do plan on contacting the electricity company and ask them about the high bill. Something feels off about those as well. 

My one goal for tomorrow: After I come home, I'd like to do some work and write.

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25/02/19 - 22pm - Days without games & porn: 8

 Today was soooooo boring. I spent an entire day working on 1 excel sheet. And my replacement isn't exactly interesting. I feel like they just tried looking for a sheep or something. She's not exactly somebody that looks like she collects dirt bikes or might be a dominatrix. She seems more like the type of person that gets excited about puzzles or something.

Anyway, a horribly boring day. I wanted to get stuff done though. Arrange my participation for an audition next month, mail a dude about my high energy bill and try and reduce it, prepare for the gig tomorrow evening, write and arrange my new contract, ... I know I'm often very demanding of myself, but still... I had an entire night.

Eventually I ended up going grocery shopping. It was crowded, annoying, filled with smelly people who seemed sick. It stressed me out like crazy. Then I proceeded to cook and accidentally spill and waste some of the food. By that time, it was 8 pm and I was tired and stressed and burnt out. I had a phone call with my girl and she lined out that I was pressuring my ass too much again. So I chilled out and chipped away, bit by bit at the little tasks.

I'm still stressed and frustrated about not writing. It's driving me insane. I've been procrastinating for ages it feels. I'm very much looking forward to the coming months of part-timing and freelancing. So much more peace of mind, less stress and more time.

Recent highlight: My girl called me and hit the nail on the head and helped me relax and kept making clear that doing 80% is still a good result. I keep wanting to get 100% but only my best is still good enough. I tend to need a little reminder now and then. 

Budget status: Nothing specific to note. I've been saving lots of money by shopping smart and spending less on food and cooking more at home. 

My one goal for tomorrow: Perform like a boss at the improv gig 

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

25/02/19 - 22pm - Days without games & porn: 8

 Today was soooooo boring. I spent an entire day working on 1 excel sheet. And my replacement isn't exactly interesting. I feel like they just tried looking for a sheep or something. She's not exactly somebody that looks like she collects dirt bikes or might be a dominatrix. She seems more like the type of person that gets excited about puzzles or something.

Anyway, a horribly boring day. I wanted to get stuff done though. Arrange my participation for an audition next month, mail a dude about my high energy bill and try and reduce it, prepare for the gig tomorrow evening, write and arrange my new contract, ... I know I'm often very demanding of myself, but still... I had an entire night.

Eventually I ended up going grocery shopping. It was crowded, annoying, filled with smelly people who seemed sick. It stressed me out like crazy. Then I proceeded to cook and accidentally spill and waste some of the food. By that time, it was 8 pm and I was tired and stressed and burnt out. I had a phone call with my girl and she lined out that I was pressuring my *** too much again. So I chilled out and chipped away, bit by bit at the little tasks.

I'm still stressed and frustrated about not writing. It's driving me insane. I've been procrastinating for ages it feels. I'm very much looking forward to the coming months of part-timing and freelancing. So much more peace of mind, less stress and more time.

Recent highlight: My girl called me and hit the nail on the head and helped me relax and kept making clear that doing 80% is still a good result. I keep wanting to get 100% but only my best is still good enough. I tend to need a little reminder now and then. 

Budget status: Nothing specific to note. I've been saving lots of money by shopping smart and spending less on food and cooking more at home. 

My one goal for tomorrow: Perform like a boss at the improv gig 

Good luck at the gig.

I would like to mention that I hope you're not pressuring your girlfriend too much with these issues all of the time.  I doubt that you are, but I know that once you guys get into a meaningful relationship it can be easy and almost rewarding to open up to her so much that you're both working together with each step of your problems.  But as long as you're being equal in solving hers and not using her as a sounding board for advice more than a partner in a relationship I will be less worried.

I don't mean to sound like a pain.  I know you two have a good relationship so I'm not trying to say anything.  I just want you to be careful of disturbing the balance of equal partner towards a better life together vs one leaning on the other at times for emotional and mental support more than the other receives.  I've just done this in the past before and seen it go south fast and losing someone I cared about.  I think you two have something special going and know how important she is to you so I just wanted to throw that in.

I apologize if this sounded rude, it is not my intention.  I just wanted to make sure of things and keep giving the outsider perspective so you two can continue to flourish, which it seems like you both have been doing over the past few months.

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On 2/22/2019 at 8:55 PM, Phoenixking said:

Well, I've been working in a dull office for a while and this is kind of me taking the jump and daring to find a more fulfilling career. I have many things that I'm capable of or passionate about, the main one being talking and speaking to people and helping them grow. But it takes a while for new skills to grow, let alone actually being able to market and sell them and live off them. So starting from the 1st of March, I'll be working part-time at the boring office and I'll have 4 days a week (weekend included) that I'll be filling in as I seem fit. I'll probably worry a lot about money and do stuff like actualy make a home office. But I'll also go to castings and try to audition for stuff and I'll try and figure out along the way what I want to be doing. Short term I'll be making money by acting, doing improv and public speaking. So lots of trying to get gigs and next month I'll already be teaching improv, so I'm trying to get several revenue streams. The months after that, wel... It's a mystery! My girl is a psychologist and thinks that coaching would suit me well. But I have many skills to develop, I feel, before I dare say that I'm ready for that. But I could also try my hand at social media or marketing. I could start a blog about communication or emotions... There's just so much ambition!

I absolutely love this so much! I have been toying with an idea to go part-time after I finish my degree as well and make music with the rest of the time, but it's still about half a year away so I'm not planning that yet. I wish you so much that you succeed, I think this is living the dream, this is sick!

On 2/24/2019 at 10:22 PM, Phoenixking said:

"Ik hou van je"

Do you live in Amsterdam by any chance? If you don't wanna disclose for the sake of anonymity that's fine. I was just thinking of doing some kind of meetup at some point, if there's enough game quitters in NL.

 

 

 

 

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On 2/26/2019 at 4:41 AM, BooksandTrees said:

ood luck at the gig.

I would like to mention that I hope you're not pressuring your girlfriend too much with these issues all of the time.  I doubt that you are, but I know that once you guys get into a meaningful relationship it can be easy and almost rewarding to open up to her so much that you're both working together with each step of your problems.  But as long as you're being equal in solving hers and not using her as a sounding board for advice more than a partner in a relationship I will be less worried.

I don't mean to sound like a pain.  I know you two have a good relationship so I'm not trying to say anything.  I just want you to be careful of disturbing the balance of equal partner towards a better life together vs one leaning on the other at times for emotional and mental support more than the other receives.  I've just done this in the past before and seen it go south fast and losing someone I cared about.  I think you two have something special going and know how important she is to you so I just wanted to throw that in.

I apologize if this sounded rude, it is not my intention.  I just wanted to make sure of things and keep giving the outsider perspective so you two can continue to flourish, which it seems like you both have been doing over the past few months.

Thanks bro. Nah, you don't sound rude, more like well meaning or concerned. I do try and make sure that I listen enough to her, that I ask about how she feels and try and take care of her. Like she's been feeling a bit under the weather as of late, so I try and stick by her side and lessen her load a bit. Make sure she eats and keeps warm, small stuff like that, but it's those things that make her aware that I'm there for her, big stuff or small. I try to make a point out of it. I don't want to be somebody that 'becomes one' with his partner, but I also don't want us to be detached. Balance is important. When we go out, I try to be aware of how much time I spend with her, or her friends or my own friends. I don't want to favor one party of the other without realizing. Or like this weekend, we've got a staycation planned. I actually cleared my schedule. No gigs, no obligations, ... I don't want to let my work slip into our quality time. 🙂 So no worries 😉 But i appreciate the caring

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21 hours ago, JustTom said:

I absolutely love this so much! I have been toying with an idea to go part-time after I finish my degree as well and make music with the rest of the time, but it's still about half a year away so I'm not planning that yet. I wish you so much that you succeed, I think this is living the dream, this is sick!

Thank you! It's a very, very tiring path that I'm walking right now. It's rigorous, honestly. But it's like that maddening tiredness that takes over your body the next day after a big gym session. You know WHY you're tired and you feel accomplished and fulfilled and happy.

 

21 hours ago, JustTom said:

Do you live in Amsterdam by any chance? If you don't wanna disclose for the sake of anonymity that's fine. I was just thinking of doing some kind of meetup at some point, if there's enough game quitters in NL.

I honestly don't know how I feel about that. I think I like the anonymity. It makes it easier to divulge so much information. It feels like a safe space.

On the other hand, I acknowledge the impact of hanging out with like minded individuals. I'll have to think this over, buddy, no offense. And for the record, I'm not from The Netherlands but somewhere nearby. 😉 

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27/02/19 – 10 am - Days without games & porn: 10

Omfg, I’m so tired. I’m writing this at work. It’s all boring anyway so I might as well do something actually useful and that I enjoy. I woke up yesterday and forgot that I had taken a day off to go to a storytelling conference. I dashed in and out of the shower, threw together a breakfast shake and ran off to catch a train. I got there, miraculously, only 10 minutes late. It was a very tiring day with lots of cool information, perspectives and viewpoints launched at me. At the same time it was a great networking event. I met a few cool people, mainly producers and writers. I was nervous because I tend to overdo it a little bit. I told myself I wanted to be relaxed, have fun and just give in to my authentic feelings. Which resulted in me entertaining people and showcasing my skills 😛 I’m still not sure if I went full Jim Carrey/Robin Williams or if I’m just too scared to make a bad impression and very critical of myself; my view is thus a bit askew on these matters. But I did learn, through a podcast, that I shouldn’t squeeze or force any opportunities. Just try and get to know a few people, be cool and chill and have no expectations. Don’t immediately accept opportunities and make sure you keep control of the offer/demand-situation. I met a few producers and I’ll be mailing one of them later on. I also met a girl I used to hang out with a year or 10 ago, she’s a writer now and is graduating soon. She’s already started a small writer’s collective and she asked me to join and see if it’s something I’d like. There’s not much pay involved but they do do workshops and movie nights and those pay properly, I’ve been told. I told her I’d think it over but I do feel it’s a step in the right direction. It might turn out to be a crazy cool company that has solid freelance work for me or it could be just another delusional student that wants to make an impact but has no idea how. I’ll have to take things slowly and assess the situation at each junction.

I met one of my improv buddies at the conference too. Throughout last night and today I had been wondering about the conference. Because it seemed like I had nailed it. I connected, was attentive and happy, learned a lot of stuff and met cool people. I feel like it was a personal success. What changed? I used to do this stuff all the time and no opportunities like the writer’s collective popped up then. The improve buddy’s mentality is what made me realize how I have changed in the last few years. I’m happier. I’m more open. He whined about the conference and was very negative and critical. I’m not saying he’s wrong, though. There was not a lot of time to eat, that’s right and there’s no natural light and they’re all small rooms with a LOT of people. Sure. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make the best out of it. He was just so sour… He was tired and risking a lot, sure. But he’s getting married, expecting a baby, he’s got his own company. He must be under a lot of stress on the one hand, so I can empathize. But I still feel like it’s no real reason to be such a Debbie Downer. Yeesh. I’m glad I’m often such a happy chap.

The gig was only so so. Because of the conference, I had to time to shower or eat and I was very tired because of the intense day with my switch on “ON” the entire time. Doing a gig after that is hard. I wasn’t focused and fucked up a few things. It’s understandable, sure. But it still sucks a bit.

 

Recent highlight: After a long and tiring day, texting my girl and asking each other how the day was. Joy is to be found in the small stuff J

Budget status: I just got paid my salary from the office. Everything seems peachy for now. 

My one goal for tomorrow: Nail the second improve gig and redeem myself for yesterday. Also use a lot of funny accents, I’m good at those and don’t nearly use them often enough. 

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28/02/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 11

The gig was definitely something worth feeling redeemed about. I tend to forget how good I’ve mastered Scottish and Irish accents and characters. There was somebody from Glasgow in the crowd who kept complimenting me for how accurate it was. I hung out a bit afterwards with some fun people from Portugal and Slovenia afterwards. A cool night.

I feel asleep after reading for the second time. I’m starting to enjoy my book more. I hope I can pick up the habit of reading before sleeping and let go of Netflix soon. I feel like it’d be a healthy move.

I’ve been missing my girl a lot. We’ve both been swamped lately. Luckily, we’ll be calling each other tonigh and we’ve got a staycation-weekend ahead of us. Monday is my first day as a part-time freelancer and I’m hell bent to make the most of it. I wonder what I’ll get done that day.

I’m skipping Krav Maga tonight again. I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve trained. My knees hurt because my muscles aren’t strong enough anymore. They inflame easily and therefor I need regular exercise. My body aches when I don’t do enough sporty stuff. But I’ll start picking it up again from next week on. Can’t do it tonight because I have no more clean clothes, I need to cook and clean up the place for the staycation. There’s also mails that need sending to producers that I met at the conference on Tuesday and the paperwork for the money of last night’s gig. If I can, I’d like to try and write. 

Recent highlight: Nailing the accents at the improv gig. I love playing in English. I’m almost funnier in English than I am in my native language.

Budget status: This is the second entry I’m doing from work, so I don’t have acces to my budgeting file here. I did have a phone call with my power supplier, we’re going to check on the 22nd of March what we can do about lessening my power bills. I pay over 200 bucks and I feel like the average my friends pay is half. So I called to change it but they could only offer me a cut of 10%. I pressed on to figure out why it’s such a high bill and it turns out they calculated the average use of the past years. But I’ve only lived there for a few months and I don’t even have a tv. So I have to be a more frugal power user. Anyway, we’ll see next month and I want to see that bill reduced and get the money back that I overpaid!

My one goal for tomorrow: Call the girlfriend. Do useful stuff after I get home.

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28/02/19 – 11 pm - Days without games & porn: 11

The place has been cleaned and odd jobs are being taken care of right now. Everything that can't wait for 3 days, has been done right this evening. I didn't go to Krav Maga but after this evening, I can't imagine that I would have had any time to. I want to be able to take my mind off things this weekend, hence my work this evening. Starting from 4 pm tomorrow, I'll be on staycation! And we start anew this Monday as my first day as a part-timer. I'll be here, at home, doing what needs doing. I'm not sure yet how I'll fill my day, but I'm excited and I'm sure I'll totes find something to set my career forwards a step!

Today was okay-ish. I spent the best part of the day training my replacement (who thought it was weird that I ironed my clothes and did my own laundry.. Like wtf? Who do you expect would do my household chores? My butler?)  and missing my girl. We agreed to call each other but she kind of fell of the planet sinds this afternoon. I hope she's okay... She sometimes falls asleep, so I hope it's that. I'm getting a little bit worried so I might call her.

I look forward to tomorrow. Staycation is going to be great!

Recent highlight: My girl texting me throughout the day, being her hilarious self.

Budget status: Did the math and it's now my second month of minding my budget. It's starting to look like my part-time job will cover my rent, my power bill and a half of my food bills. So my freelancing will need to make up for my 3-monthly insurance bill, gas, food, savings and all recreation. I'm not sure if that's a tall order or not...

My one goal for tomorrow: Let go of eeeeeeeeverything at 4 pm and enjoy the staycation! ^^

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4/03/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 15

Oh, god, the staycation was amazing. So laid back, so relaxed. Apparently there was so much stress pent up that the moment I got home on Friday night, I developed another herpes outbreak the moment I tried letting go of all the stress. I've heard of people getting sick in their first week of vacationing because the pent up stress kept them going in some way.

It was all very lovely and lazy. Lots of Netflix, reading, Community, books, The Mask, Gourmet Samurai, going out for cocktails (where I might name of one their drinks!), walking, sex, free pizza, ... All in all, it was perfect. All very typical of Elien and me. We tend to have weird, cool shit happen to us. Our pizza got delivered wrongly, so I called up the pizza place and they delivered a new one. Left the old so, so free pizza for us! We went for a walk, just at random. And we ended up in a 1930's style cocktail bar. Usually the lines are huuuuuge. But we must have had impeccable timing and we just walked in. We sat next to a fireplace and the view through the windows was amazing. But I wanted to see the mixologists at work so we moved to the bar as soon as we could. I guess the dude kinda took a liking to me because when I ordered "the drink of the week" he told me that maybe I should come up with a name for it. I gave him my name on IG and about 20 cool names that had to do with the types of alcohol used, the color and flavor, the possible myth or story surrounding the drink, the whole shebang. It'd be cool to wipe "name a cocktail" off my bucket list!

Elien was a delight. Funny, bubbly, adorable and supporting. We had a great talk about our relationship, slept in often, she's been so amazing. We've gotten very, very close to each other and there seem to be no red flags in sight. I feel like the luckiest dude in the world.

Today is my first day that I'm at home, freelancing. I've got a phone call with a director in 30 minutes. Feedback for a gig I did a while back. I'll also be doing my household chores, do some writing work I've been postponing and most likely work on my D&D-universe. I also slept in this morning. I know it's my first day and I feel like I'm being lazy by not working 8h fully dedicated to the career. But I felt that it would be wiser to ease myself into it. I'm a very hard and demanding person when it comes to trying to achieve things. Normally I'd make a huge list and a big fuss of waking up at 6 am and relentlessly working away at it. This time, I just want to be kind and nice to myself and do whatever the fuck I want. As long as it makes me happy, or makes me money, preferably both. I want to be ambitious. But I don't want to overwork my own ass too much. There's much to be done but there's time. I don't need to drive myself crazy over it. I feel like, at least for now, if I do 1 thing that's useful towards my career and making money, it's been a proper day. The more I do it, the more I'll get better at it and will find more structure. And I'll be working a lot of weekends anyway so there's nothing wrong with taking it a bit easier on Mondays and Wednesdays when I'm at home 🙂

Look at me, being all mature and self-loving. Who ever thought I had it in me?

Recent highlight: The entire staycation was amazing. Elien is amazing. And I now have a D&D-worldmap to play with. Life seems so good.

Budget status: Was able to save some money last month. But I'm sure I'll probably spend a lot of it in Japan 😛 I'm still a tad worried about the money. On short term, we're fine. But I'm going on a crazy trip in 3 weeks so I hope I don't spend too much over there.

My one goal for tomorrow: Try and get the Social Media at the office properly done.

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6/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 17

This is the longest I've ever gone without porn, I think. I feel like, for the moment, it's no longer a huge burden. I still get urges and cravings, but I tend to handle the better than I did before. I also read more nowadays and feel more relaxed. Probably because of all the positive changes. 

I've been trying to be a bit more active on social media but I have a love-hate relationship with it. I don't want it to take over my life, but it's very useful for networking and getting freelance gigs. There's still a long way to go. I notice that I'm véry eager and that it's a bad thing. I need to learn how to calm down in a pinch, I think. My enthousiasm and good intentions tend to get the best of me and then I act like a fool or embarass myself.

I went to Krav Maga last night and it felt soooo good. I'm happy I'll have a bit more time nowadays for stuff like that. I really feel like going part-time and trying to invest more time in myself and freelancing was the right way to go. I feel like I have more energy. Sure, on days that I'm at the office or in the weekends I have to burn twice as much fuel as any other person would because of all of the writing, household stuff, social life and freelancing on top of the office work. But now that there's a bit more time to do what I love and have quality me-time, I have more reserves. I'm happy. I'm learning a lot and I notice I still have A LOT to learn and a long way to go. But I feel like at the very least I started to take a step in the right direction. I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?

Recent highlight: Saw Captain Marvel last night at a midnight screening. OMFG. Please, everyone, go see this movie. 😮 

Budget status: There's already about 370 saved up as spending money for Japan. It'd mainly be for food and entertainment and drinks. I have about 2400 on my savings account for imporant stuff in the coming months like rent and whatnot. And another 900 on my checkings account for Japan. I'm not really good at estimating if this is a healthy money situation or not >.>

My one goal for tomorrow: Have a good therapy session with my mom and sister.

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

6/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 17

This is the longest I've ever gone without porn, I think. I feel like, for the moment, it's no longer a huge burden. I still get urges and cravings, but I tend to handle the better than I did before. I also read more nowadays and feel more relaxed. Probably because of all the positive changes. 

I've been trying to be a bit more active on social media but I have a love-hate relationship with it. I don't want it to take over my life, but it's very useful for networking and getting freelance gigs. There's still a long way to go. I notice that I'm véry eager and that it's a bad thing. I need to learn how to calm down in a pinch, I think. My enthousiasm and good intentions tend to get the best of me and then I act like a fool or embarass myself.

I went to Krav Maga last night and it felt soooo good. I'm happy I'll have a bit more time nowadays for stuff like that. I really feel like going part-time and trying to invest more time in myself and freelancing was the right way to go. I feel like I have more energy. Sure, on days that I'm at the office or in the weekends I have to burn twice as much fuel as any other person would because of all of the writing, household stuff, social life and freelancing on top of the office work. But now that there's a bit more time to do what I love and have quality me-time, I have more reserves. I'm happy. I'm learning a lot and I notice I still have A LOT to learn and a long way to go. But I feel like at the very least I started to take a step in the right direction. I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?

Recent highlight: Saw Captain Marvel last night at a midnight screening. OMFG. Please, everyone, go see this movie. 😮 

Budget status: There's already about 370 saved up as spending money for Japan. It'd mainly be for food and entertainment and drinks. I have about 2400 on my savings account for imporant stuff in the coming months like rent and whatnot. And another 900 on my checkings account for Japan. I'm not really good at estimating if this is a healthy money situation or not >.>

My one goal for tomorrow: Have a good therapy session with my mom and sister.

I'm glad you're doing better. Great job on the porn addiction. Personally I like to keep more of a savings account, but as long as you focus your budgeting I think you'll be ok. Just stay on top of it. It must be freeing to write when you want. 

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57 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

It must be freeing to write when you want. 

Yeah, but I notice that I'm slacking off a tad too much. I need to figure out some sort of system or get a bit more disciplined. I should try and get my desk/work room done too.

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9/03/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 20

So a lot of stuff happened over the past few days. I've been a bit off lately. My aunt died. After the death of my grandma a while back, I am now in mourning once again. She'd had cancer for a while now and she had decided a couple of years back to not do anything about it. My grandpa (her dad) died of cancer too and despite best efforts, he died. I guess she didn't want to get treatment because it's no guarantee you'd live, it's lots of suffering and she's kind of insecure and shallow. She didn't want to risk a masectomy or transform into a walking corpse. So she kept it a secret. Her kids, my niece and nephew, were beside themselves with anger and frustrations and sadness when this was revealed. They pleaded and conviced her to get treatment. Chemo pills. Sadly, she died anyway. This came to a shock to them and our whole family because she was so young. Only 49. Her kids are younger than I am. The family is deeply saddened.

But it gets worse. So there's my mom and this aunt, her sister, right? There's another sister, my other aunt. 3 sisters, still with me? The third sister is the youngest one. She'd had an aneurysm a while back and never really worked a day in her life because of it. She's capable, smart, and there's no actual reason why she shouldn't work, the aneurysm was ages ago. It all kind of reeks of laziness. To be fair, if I had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted and get paid anyway, I'd take it too. So she's already a bit of an odd bird. Mainly because she was always swaddled too. She was always the weaker sister, the one that needed extra special attention. It turns out, she may actually be crazy. 

I went to the hospital to the wing where they give the people who'll die soon the best care. Stuff like morphine drips and pain pumps are everywhere and it's a calm and serene wing. I met up with my niece and my mom. Believe it or not, my mom and I had an actual pleasant conversation! It was a milestone! She listened, was kind, shared her feelings... It made me feel like the relationship could actually be salvaged. I talked about her sister and I heard stories from my niece. This is what had been going on for the past years. My other aunt is a bit new agey. Angels, demons, books, spirits, pendulums, powders, herbs, chakras, ... She's convinced that phones give her headaches because of the radiation. I'm a man of science and proof. Sure, there's research backing up the negative effects of phones. There's also research about people imagining that electricity hurts them mentally. I think there's a character in 'Better Call Saul' that has this issue. Long story short, I shut her bullshit down often and quickly. But it turns out that my aunt, dying of cancer, did not. Those two really got into it. Apparently she'd been using all sorts of mystic shit. Powdered root of the Himalayas, tarot cards and mediums, special chakra enforcing necklaces, ... My nephew did a financial state of the whole thing and all of my cancer aunt's money is gone now. It's a disaster. The kids now blame the other aunt of stealing away time they could have spent with their dying mom. It's a horribly family drama right now, in the middle of arranging the funeral... We all agree that she might be suffering from psychosis. We're very worried. It's been a grim past few days.

I've been clean from watching porn for 20 days. I was going to crack. I really was. I wanted to feel a bit of endorphins, some rush, anything. Food, drink, Netflix, nothing was really giving me what I wanted. My libido has been going crazy for the past few weeks. I've been really getting my nose shoved into how my brain has been being affected by porn. It's very discombobulating. I'm still figuring things out. A big thing is boobs. My girlfriend has rather small boobs and the better part of my exes had big ones. I know it's a very shallow thing to note, but I like'm big. The thing is that she's near perfect. A proper soulmate. Future wife potential. A measly things such a cup size is nothing in comparison to it. I know it, the world knows it: beauty fades. Personality, morals and values, ... That's where it's at. And yet I still find myself thinking about it. Feeling the itch in the back of my mind to search for porn. I honestly hate how my brain craves it, is starving. It makes me feel like the addiction is warping the way I view the woman I love as someone that's not enough because I've been bombarded with picture and videos of promiscuous women with huge boobs. I was going to relapse a few times this week. But thinking of my girl and not wanting to have this strange mindfungus have actual influence on our relationship got me through it. Me suffering from it is one thing, this is my battle. But I'll be damned if I let it hurt her or our relationship. I am very happy I held up. 

Work has been ... educational. I started using social media more to branch out and learn from other freelancers. I've also been noticing that I can sometimes still be a slave to Instagram. I met 2 IG-famous people and the only thing I could think of was figuring out a way to get into a picture with them, to get a shitload of likes and followers, without seeming creepy. My friend and my girl were luckily nearby and calmed me down. I always think of myself as a man of principles. This was a very daunting experience and made it clear to me that I should try and be more mindful of who I want to be as a person and that I should try and be more authentic. I recently did a photoshoot with a friend who's IG-famous (locally) and she told me of a girl she knew that bought followers and even got a boobjob. I NEVER want to be somebody like that. 

In terms of work, I need more discipline or more of a schedule or whatever. My freelancing is so unstructured. I am going to finish my current gig and have a good long hard think about a communication plan and a work schedule. I require more structure. I have Atomic Habits nowadays but I'm still reading my book about Japan and the history of Samurai. There's also 2 other books I'm reading 😛 I guess it's about the long game?

 

Recent highlight: The girlfriend's support throughout all of the death and psychosis story. She's been overseas but keeps calling me and texting me with supportive things to say. I can't believe I'm so lucky to have met such a beautiful and warm soul.

Budget status: Nothing shocking for now. I just hope that Japan isn't going to destroy my financial state 😛 

My one goal for tomorrow: Focus at the content meeting of my podcast and in the evening kick ass at the D&D-session as a DM.

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I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm fucking proud of you for not watching porn. You had watched it when your grandma died. If you don't see this as a huge stepping stone and learning experience I don't know what is. You're incredible. 

Also, nice job with the mom conversation. That's important and maybe the relationship can be salvaged if you find yourself ready. I also hear you about porn cravings. I'd explain features that I'm attracted to, but I don't want it to be a trigger for you at this time. A girl I'm talking to has short hair and I find it ugly, but she's been a great person so far and I'm trying to give it a chance. 

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm fucking proud of you for not watching porn. You had watched it when your grandma died. If you don't see this as a huge stepping stone and learning experience I don't know what is. You're incredible. 

Also, nice job with the mom conversation. That's important and maybe the relationship can be salvaged if you find yourself ready. I also hear you about porn cravings. I'd explain features that I'm attracted to, but I don't want it to be a trigger for you at this time. A girl I'm talking to has short hair and I find it ugly, but she's been a great person so far and I'm trying to give it a chance. 

Thanks, man. The girlfriend just cancelled on me for today. Miscommunication. I'll see her after my D&D-sesh tomorrow. But that kind of was a blow to me. I was really holding onto seeing her. On top of that I misinterpreted the funeral date. Resulting in me losing a paid gig and a photo shoot. On top of now having to cancel a 3-day improv event to make sure I can make the funeral on the correct date. And I'll lose money over it because I had already pre-paid the lodgings and I probably won't get it back. 

I could feel myself slipping into a dark place, panicked and quickly opened the forum, looking for some light. I think your comment and you pat on the back just saved my stupid ass from going over the edge... Thanks man... If I ever make it to 90 days, I feel like I'll have to be a changed man. This is all so hard sometimes, what the ever flying fuck? This shit really has its claws in us, huh. Sorry. Had*

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