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Phoenixking

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8 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

How many days a week are you doing push ups? How's it going? Also yeah, you can take a day off. I think at least one day off per week is super important to get some R&R.

Basically doing 10 every day. It's starting to get more easy now so I'll amp it up to 15 or 20 one of these weeks. I also do my physical exercises in the same breath, 40 lunges. So those 2 are the current daily workout. 

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Detox day 77. "Legwork."

Today there only exists one thing: the analysis. I made a template to fill in for myself. A list of prices, service, geographic area, products, ... of all of the direct and indirect competitors; of all of any potential partners and certain key demographics I'd like to tap into. Then I also made a matrix cross-referencing all of my services with all of the targeted demographics and using that to figure out where the money is and where my joy is. Like I'll probably do D&D with the most love but I'll not make a lot out of it. On the other hand, teaching fancy companies about speaking and presentations will most likely make me more money, but I'll feel a bit more bored. The core of my activities will be related to finding a balance between doing what I love and making enough money. It's going to be a lot of work, but I need to lay this foundation to make sure my business decisions are grounded in facts and not instincts.

 

Recent highlight: Hearing grandpa on the phone. Finally. After 2 months.

Budget status: Submitted another request for unemployment money.

My one goal for the next 24h: Sit down, work and not get distracted.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits.

How will I progress my business today: Start the analysis via my template.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - Bottle is next to me.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Not done yet, since it's rather early for me. I still have to have breakfast.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Yesterday I had a G&T at lunch, very stressy day.

-Meditation - Lo-FI music helps me focus and Primitive Technology videos help me escape a bit.

-Exercise once this week - Did 10 push ups and 40 special lunges; this is now going to become a daily ritual, just before I hop in the shower.

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Detox day 78. "Slow and steady."

Meine Gute, this is tedious! I have to do research on how financially doable each ambition is. Find potential partners, research any and all competition and map out their prices, services, USPs, ... And I've been doing that for 3 days just for my DM'ing alone! Granted, the progress is there. But it's a slow and arduous slog. I'm not good at shit like this. Sitting down and doing the legwork. But if you break the rules on what controls you, you break the rules on what you can control. I've now found peace with the fact that I am out of my depth. I'll still do the work, but I'll be two or three times as slow as another would be. I'll not make the deadline several times over. But I'll keep going at it. Slow and steady wins the race. Maybe the next assignment will be something that I find easier to do. And if I don't make it and am unable to finish it all by the end of next month, I'm not worried. The final thing is a public speaking assignment 😉 You have 7 minutes to explain your whole business. Pricing, projected income, marketing strategies, ... Even if I have to pull the whole thing out of my ass without any numbers to back it up, I'm not afraid. If there's 1 thing that I'm a natural at, it's speaking. So in the mean time, I'll do slowly keep my grind going. I'll wash out several times a day, get pissed off, tired, anxious or frustrated; walk away, drink, curse and binge Netflix. But I'll be there, back at the desk, toiling away the next day again. I'll move slower in this specific element than other would, but I'll still come out as victorious in the long run. I just have to not give up. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm built to last, not built for speed in this sense.

 

Recent highlight: Time with my SO. And seeing an inbox full of reactions to the messages I spread, seeking knowledge about how viable my ideas are in the sector.

Budget status: Starting to notice the drop in my income due to corona. It's subtle, but it's there. I just won't be able to save the same amount as I used to. And I asked around if there's any failsafe for freelancers. I don't reckon I'll get much, if anything at all. But you should always give yourself as much chances to succeed as possible.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a good livestream tonight. It'll be the last one!

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits.

How will I progress my business today: Continued contact with people on how to commercialize D&D; mainly looking for opportunities in the care industry; people with mental of physical disabilities and organizations with budget to use D&D as a form of gamified therapy; I'd look for a therapist to join forces with or work as a consultant. 

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done.

-Make the bed - Done.

-Drink enough water - First two bottles down already.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to start 🙂 

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Man, I really loved that G&T yesterday. Been drinking more and more lately, but it's dying down again. We bought new super tasty gin and I was also quite stressed the past few days.

-Meditation - My SO and I are starting to give each other more space.

-Exercise once this week - About to hop into the shower and do the push ups and lunges too. It's starting to become a steadfast ritual. My knees hurt now. But also my muscles. So that means I'm progressing, I think.

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

My knees hurt now. But also my muscles. So that means I'm progressing, I think.

I think that is not necessarily true. It just means that you should slow down. It is this idea that progress occurs by going too far. That is absolutely not true. If you are having pain, slow it down a little bit. 🙂

Edited by Alexanderle
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15 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Good to hear you're adopting the slow and steady mentality. I support this effort. Not that I support binging, but what're you watching on Netflix? I figure if it's 2 hours or less that's about the limit for tv per day. 

I use a cap on data limits rather than hours spent. My brain is hardwired a bit weirdly. I require a lot of recovery when doing tedious stuff like what I'm doing now, it seems, if not I'll fall apart XD So I usually start the day with an episode of Ultimate Ninja Warrior and used to watch Beastmaster on Netflix; then some anime (black clover) and some Primitive Technology (on youtube). In between those I'll have breakfast, respond to emails, manage my social media, read the national and international news and finish my journal here; the latter implies I also work out, shower, get clean, do my Japanese, and so on... So usually it all takes quite a few hours before I sit down to actually work. But when I do do that though, there's nothing left to distract me or worry me.

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17 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

I think that is not necessarily true. It just means that you should slow down. It is this idea that progress occurs by going too far. That is absolutely not true. If you are having pain, slow it down a little bit. 🙂

Yeah, I don't know man. My knees hurt daily, it seems. I got the physical therapy for that reason XD They used to be literally too weak to hold my weight when I walk, run or whatever because of an injury. The only way I got rid of the pain, was to work out the muscles the therapist taught me. So if it hurts a bit, those knees I mean, that's nothing new; but if all the other muscles around it hurts, that means I'm working out the right things. Surely I should let them recover. But they only hurt a bit. And I've only started with 1 exercise: the 40 lunges. There's about 8 and all have different varying degrees of difficulty I could amp up. So I'm doing the lightest of the light right now. When the world starts up again around me and it's safer to come out, it'll all fade back into the background, luckily. My life's pace and the amount of places I need to be in and stuff I need to do used to be enough exercise for years to not have issues. It's because I was moving too little that shit hit the fan. So in a weird way I welcome the new pain on top of the knees XD But I understand what you're saying and appreciate your concern 🙂 

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Detox day 79. "Growth."

Another day, another chance at progress. 

I'm starting to get a bit bugged by the amount of chores that keep piling up. I think I'm going to add something about doing a daily chore in this diary too. I feel like I'll be working daily on the business stuff, trying to research and progress as much as possible. I do get the idea I'm doing six times what another would be doing so as long as I keep going at it, I'll make it in the long run. Just chomping off bits and pieces here and there, whenever and wherever I can!

I set my desktop background to one of my favorite 'Revolver'-quotes: "If you break the rules on what controls you, you break the rules on what you can control." I feel like some of the stuff I'm trying to pull off is pioneer shit in these parts. There's no culture for commercial D&D here. But groundbreaking stuff happens everything. Things always seem like they're impossible until somebody actually does it, then it just seems really difficult to do. 

 

Recent highlight: Getting responses from professionals in the field, reading their feedback and changing and adapting my plans. 

Budget status: Got paid my unemployment money. It's more than last time; but last time I spent a few days filming abroad and getting paid properly for that. So the total amount I got was bigger. I really am going to need some new ways to make money if working via videochat is going to remain a thing... Hard to teach or coach people if one-on-one sessions are out of the question. How can you read body language and subtle micro-expressions if the connection is too tame?

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive afternoon exploring the opportunities in the health and care sectors.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits.

How will I progress my business today: Look up multi-functional centers for mental care, day center for similar patients and student facilities; I feel like there might be some budget in some student groups who might be interested in D&D.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - 65-day streak, yo!

-Make the bed - SO did it.

-Drink enough water - Bottle is next to me, but I'm still a bit groggy from waking up.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do the ritual.

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had my last bit of Japanese whiskey last night while finishing the stream.

-Meditation - I feel a bit more sane nowadays, I'm starting to find a better work rythm.

-Exercise once this week - About to go do my daily push ups and physical therapy exercises.

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11 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I see black butler but no black clover on Netflix. Maybe you're watching anime on a different site. Beastmaster looks crazy. I wouldn't want to do that kind of stuff. It's so dangerous looking.

Oh yeah, I don't watch a lot of anime on Netflix; I just use an anime streaming site that gets revenue from ads.

Beastmaster looks like so much fun, holy shit! If I were waaaay fitter, I'd kill for a go at something like that. To the kid living inside of me, it just looks like a big fun jungle gym!

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Detox day 80. "Let go and finish."

I'm going to try and finish the business market analysis stuff today. Last night I got totally depressed about all of it. I have been doing so much research, it's making me realize how much info is out there and how impossibly perfectionist I'm being about it. I think I'm going to just list up all of the stuff I still need to do or learn and just try to finish my current analysis with what I've got and a estimate or approximation of what I still have to figure out. It's going to give me some more peace of mind, I feel.

10 more days before I finish my detox from porn, games and falling asleep with Netflix or a podcast or whatever. In 10 days I'll drink my glorious bottle of Japanese green tea I've been saving for over 5 months in the fridge. And it's going to taste like victory.

 

Recent highlight: Realizing that I need to not be such a perfectionist and acknowledge that 'good enough' is also okay.

Budget status: SO has been looking at data about average family expenses on food, it seems like we manage well compared to the average. I've also contacted the agency that was looking for coaches to help students to study. I could start as soon as I start my own business, because of the paperwork. But because they had to change everything due to social distancing, I'm not sure if they'll let me start. I told them I'd feel safer in an environment where I could have direct feedback and guidance seeing as I'm just starting out. But there's also a huge workload for them, so I'm not sure if they can afford to refuse a new coach on the grounds of it being more difficult to educate and guide me during my start-up process... We'll see. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to finish the analysis with the info I got and fashion a list of stuff I'd still need to look into

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits.

My chore of the day: Folding the laundry.

How will I progress my business today: Try to finish, as good or far as possible, my prospective customer personas, my business environment analysis and update my business plan.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished it.

-Make the bed - SO did it again. 

-Drink enough water - Took my first sip, but this habit is slowly devolving again.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I gotta make a call first before I go and do my workout-shower-teeth-ritual

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Had a pina colada with my SO last night while watching silly over the top film Shaolin Soccer.

-Meditation - Starting this new week, I'll be allowed to go back to my park again with my car! I'll have to get the new car first, but I hope it get that sorted asap! Then I'll just have to find a moment where there won't be a lot of people in the park. I would LOVE some me time!

-Exercise once this week - I'm well on track of doing 10 daily push up and 40 lunges per day. It's starting to show. I can more easily do the push ups now! If I can do them really comfortably, I'll start amping it up and thinking about what other exercises to add.

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Oh yeah, I don't watch a lot of anime on Netflix; I just use an anime streaming site that gets revenue from ads.

Beastmaster looks like so much fun, holy shit! If I were waaaay fitter, I'd kill for a go at something like that. To the kid living inside of me, it just looks like a big fun jungle gym!

You're a braver man than I

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14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

You're a braver man than I

Hahaha, it's stuff like that that reminds me how getting in shape is fun. I remember Chris Pratt getting in shape for Guardians of the Galaxy. It was a full year of suffering and making sacrifices but he felt so happy and great afterwards because of all of the stuff he could now climb and vault over. 

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Detox day 81. "Almost."

I woke up with a nightmare. Not a common one. I dreamed I was playing a game, a stupid thing where you balance a bike and have to make it across an obstacle course, you know the one. I dreamed my SO was playing it and urged me to try it too because it's fun. After a few seconds of trying it, I realized what I was doing, remembered the abstinence and detoxing and felt agony at the realization that I'd come so close to 90 days but ultimately failed. I'm so happy to be at day 81. 9 more days 'til that bottle of green tea!

Today is going to be a busy day. I already did the socials for my podcast, so that's done. I also called the wrecking company for dropping off my old car tomorrow, it's too polluting so I'll get about 1000 bucks from the city to get it destroyed. I'll also go and get the new car that same day tomorrow. Filled to the brim with cool new gadgets and stuff. Yay! It's also a hybrid so we'll save a lot on taxes on pollution and just fuel in general. But I have to ride my bike. And with my shitty knees, it might not turn out well... I'm prepared to call a cab, though. We'll see... I'll see the insurance guy tonight about the paperwork. The better part of the day will be spent finishing the work I did for the Starterslab workshop of tomorrow and drafting a list for stuff I still need to research. *sigh* A long way to go... I hate doing legwork... 

 

Recent highlight: Cracking a bottle of wine last night with the SO.

Budget status: The 1000 bucks we'll get from the government is a nice plus. I just hope the monthly car payment won't chew into my budget all too much. 

My one goal for the next 24h: Go to the insurance dude and make sure I understand everything.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits.

My chore of the day: Vacuuming the apartment 

How will I progress my business today: Try to finish my business plan and a list of what else I'll need to research and figure out. I basically have the rest of the day to spend at going at it.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - 67 days and going strong

-Make the bed - SO did it again. 

-Drink enough water - First bottle down.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do my bathroom workout ritual

-Less daydrinking at home alone - Polished off a bottle of great red wine last night with the SO.

-Meditation - I'm going to try and get in the zone later today while working.

-Exercise once this week - Knees are starting to properly hurt. I'm going to skip the lunges today to let everything heal a bit more. If I do go ride my bike for 20 mins tomorrow, I might bring pain killers. I'd prefer other drugs, but they influence your body and help the coronavirus fuck shit up, so I better not.

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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I woke up with a nightmare. Not a common one. I dreamed I was playing a game, a stupid thing where you balance a bike and have to make it across an obstacle course, you know the one. I dreamed my SO was playing it and urged me to try it too because it's fun. After a few seconds of trying it, I realized what I was doing, remembered the abstinence and detoxing and felt agony at the realization that I'd come so close to 90 days but ultimately failed. I'm so happy to be at day 81. 9 more days 'til that bottle of green tea!

I remember having these all-too-real dreams at times too. The intensity when I'm in them is great and in the moment I believe everything that happens, but minutes after waking up count as years.

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Detox day 85. "It bugs me."

Entry from day 84:

There's been ants in the house for a bit now. I found their hole in our bedroom, under the window. A tiny hole in the wall, a pinhead's size. I plugged it and several other of their subsequent attempts to invade. But they kept digging more entrances to our home. So I resorted to poison. I'm a kind dude in general, but I draw the line at creepy crawlies like bugs or mice. It makes my skin crawl and so I just go all out. The poison is a micro-granulate kind and the packaging claimed the ants would take it into the nest with them, killing the entire nest with about 20 micrograms of poison because it uses the ants itself as its delivery device. I thought it was a genius thing and thus have tried it. I removed my obstructions of their tiny holes (used a type of gum to uphold posters with) and spread the poison around. It takes a while to kill them all because it's slow acting. It kills them quickly, but not quick enough; it's got to be slow enough to give the ants a chance to bring the poison inside their nests. But sadly, there seem to be more. Also because our house is in a state of disarray. If I was an ant, I'd head to our filthy kitchen too. Let's just hope the poison does what it's supposed to. 

Our place is a mess. Both of us are working so much, it's hard to maintain a regular rhythm when your coach and table are the places you work, eat, relax and live on and at. Work and private life are flowing over in each other. I think it's a clear sign I'm going to have to start pouring more energy in figuring out what my ideal work rhythm is. This week I'm going to try and start working 1 full hour a day, an hour full of focus and without any form of distraction. I'l amp that up to 6 days a week, 6 hours a day. That seems humane but realistic in proportion to my goals. I notice that I'm having actual trouble with sitting down and working. It's habit I've not yet formed. I quit my job in November and have been basically doing whatever the fuck I'd want since then. So suddenly working like a regular Joe would, 8 hours a day, is a huge challenge for me since I'm not really filled to the brim with self-discipline. Slowly ramping it up seems like a solid choice then.

I have been messing up my sleep schedule a bit more. I go to sleep later than I'd planned and thus wake up later than I'd planned. I need to stay vigilant and reel this back it before I allow a bad habit to corrupt a budding good habit.

We picked up the new car! It's so smooth! The electrical motor is so lovely. It's not designed for speeding, but cruising. It's almost silent when driving slowly. I'm in love! We dubbed "Cocktail". I was musing aloud about naming it when suddenly my SO absentmindedly mentioned wanting to go drink a cocktail with me. I'm secretly hoping it'll stick because it's so silly.

I was hoping to get shit done today, but I'm starting to feel a bit sick. Stomach acting up, headache, low energy. I might still be recovering from my recent stunt of working till 2 am to finish a crazy deadline I'd set myself, juiced up on 5 cups of coffee. Or I'm actually getting some kind of bug. Or maybe the virus got me 2 weeks ago somehow. In any case, I'm trying to take it slow today and order ramen and not push myself over any edge. I'll take on the world tomorrow then...

Entry from day 85:

I started writing the entry above yesterday, but shit kept getting interrupted by other stuff. I feel like my days are sometimes such a clutter. I started using an app called Toggl today. I tracks what I do. How much time I spend on anime, reading the news, ... Combined with the fact that I woke up at my regular time today again, I hope to have a productive day.

I'm already noticing how scary it feels. Like, I can't escape it anymore. I'm now accountable for all of the time I waste. It's freaking me out. I feel so conscious and aware of every passing minute, it's crazy.

The ants are slowly dying! Huzzah! I'm not sure what changed, but yesterday I got some gloves and rearranged the mounds of poison powder. I carefully observed how the ants were walking, they follow each other's already set chemical paths, so I just put poison powder on those and some mounds near the entrances I saw were being used a lot. This morning I saw about 100 of them. I've never seen them so active! But upon closer inspection, a large part of them were dead! So here's to hoping we'll kill the lot soon!

Spent quite a few hours figuring out all of the intricacies of a hybrid car. So many fancy buttons!

 

Recent highlight: Craving ramen but having issues with Uber Eats, resulting in me doubling down and going over the the ramen place in person with a backpack lined with silver foil and plastic bags as something to cram in the backpack and in between the nooks and crannies of the take away bows to stabilize the load. After that a few cold beers. I was so happy.

Budget status: Got a call from the car payment agency today. We'll get a letter next week to start the payments... Yay... O.O

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to use the Toggle app as acurately as possible. I already feel it making me more accountable for the time I use to do stuff.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits; getting closer to the end!

My chore of the day: Did the dishes, threw out the organic trash and cleaned the sink

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: I sadly kept procrastinating once again. But I adjusted this daily thing to working 1 hour starting from 11 to 12, daily. Let's hope by making it more concrete that I'll find it harder to dodge.

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished it

-Make the bed - Did it this morning!

-Drink enough water - First bottle down already

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to go do it

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I had some beers last night.

-Meditation - Might drive over to the park today, actually...

-Exercise once this week - Going to have a walk in the park today.

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It could be that you need to take a few days off after working a lot before. I had that happen to me before. You could first start out "working" again by setting the house in order, so you have good environment, a clean kitchen and less ants 😄

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17 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I hope those ants go away. 

It seems we've won the battle! Where I used to see about 100 of them, there was then 100 but 50 and later 80 percent dead ones; and nowadays, there's about 1 or something. So I assume the poison is doing it's job!

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Detox day 86. "The best steak I've had all year."

I'm in love with the new car. I love the smooth sound it makes when I drive electric. We took a trip today, just to get out of the house and came to an area, by accident, where we might want to own a house later... It's like the suburbs of the city we live in. Nice houses, lots of green, ... We went to the super special supermarket again and bought 2 steaks for 30 bucks in total. That's 15 bucks for 1 steak. That's the most I've ever spent on steak, holy shit. But fuck me was it tasty... 2 minutes on both sides, flip for the good grill marks, pepper and salt, down the hatch. Delicious.

I also was able to work a full hour with no distractions whatsoever. It took quite a lot out of me. But slow and steady wins the race. My physical exercises, daily mental habits, push ups, dental hygiene, Japanese skills, chess, reading, ... I've already set a lot of great things in motion for myself and all of them were slowly built up brand new habits. So it stands to reason that working hard on developing the business is one of them. A part of me blames myself for 'only' working 1 hour full of focus, it's pathetic compared to people who do stuff 8 hours a day or more. But I've always hated going to an office and all that jazz. I'm no grey mouse. It's not for me, I broke down last time I did something like that. I noticed also that I'm great at doing what I do and have no qualms working insanely hard. But I suck at and loathe doing stuff like research, planning, paperwork, ... But if I can manage to do it at least 1 hour a day and slowly amp that up, it seems like I can conquer almost any mountain, as long as I do it slowly. It's a fucking long term superpower. It takes energy and I might not sprint as fast as other around me, but I'll win the marathon after they burn out their thrusters and my steady ship sails past them.

I did have a little hiccup today. Because of my rather solidly ingrained habits, it's had to suddenly jam an hour of work into the middle of it all. I'd like to try and stack this journaling habit on top of the working. So that I do the journaling thing as soon as I'm done working to make sure I do the book thing, the push ups, and so on... I'm still looking for my optimal daily configuration.

 

Recent highlight: FINALLY going to the park and getting some true alone time in nature. It was like a different world, everything was in bloom!

Budget status: Splurged way too much money on tasty things at the special supermarket. But fuck me is this margarita tasty!

My one goal for the next 24h: Try to keep in mind that I need to do the journal after I work tomorrow.

What did I read today: Another chapter of Atomic Habits! It's almost done. I wonder what book I should read next. One about how to dress properly or one about how to pitch well. Maybe the latter?

My chore of the day: Did the dishes, threw some trash out, cooked dinner and cleaned it up too.

How I spent the 1 hour of focus progresssing my business today: Researching other coaches, filling in the entire document that was due next Tuesday for class and making a short list of other speaking coaches. There's not a lot of them! Yay! But a pretty big one is super close to me... I guess that means I'll be able to one day say that I started from the bottom 😉

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Done!

-Make the bed - Was done this morning ^^

-Drink enough water - Sadly, didn't drink a drop today. The sudden change in daily rythm due to working kind of threw me off my game.

-Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Didn't do it today. I should shower and do the whole workout and teeth brushing thing asap. No breaking the streak!

-Less daydrinking at home alone - I am totally enjoying this margarita man. We spend a lot of money on drinks, I notice. But I'm not doing anything to combat it. Quarantine is hard on everybody. 

-Meditation - The park was absolute and complete heaven. It was like entering a different world.

-Exercise once this week - About to go do my reps. Push ups and 40 lunges. My knees have been hurting less. So I'm definitely starting to feel some progress.

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It's crazy to see your journey come so far! Looks like your doing well with a belly full of steak! And honestly in this quarantine tasty is in short supply. 

The only thing to be careful is the day drinking mixed with working out. Drinking causes the body to dehydrate even more so than working out and then working out without some water isn't to good. I know this is easier said then done coming from a person who doesn't drink and gave up sodas but just be careful 🙂

stay safe and keep going one day at a time

-Tzen

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10 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

A part of me blames myself for 'only' working 1 hour full of focus, it's pathetic compared to people who do stuff 8 hours a day or more.

Most people get paid for 8 hours a day, but nobody really works 8 hours a day. For a while, I worked in the warehouse where all I was supposed to do was to take books and boxes back and forth from shelves. I still chatted with other people (I liked to call us drones), skimmed through interesting books that I got in my hands, took piss breaks, got lost in an interesting thought... people in the office have even more distractions than these.

I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I am seeing my life in a more complex, united way than before. I don't have a job I'd need to resist with the rest of my lifestyle or get burnt out from it. But everything I do now seems to make sense in one way or another.

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