Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

[Phoenixking]

Day 10. "The sparks"

Recently, whenever I plug my power adapter into my laptop, I hear distinctive zapping sound. There was a moment today I could actually see the electrical sparks fly. I drove around for the better part of the day to find a replacement and I just ended up wrapping all of it with electric tape... I just got to hang on for 1 week. My computer is getting a bit older and tends to randomly go KO. It's either dirty and overheating, or just old (8 years). It's been an expensive period already. The last thing I needed is another bill... I also had lots to do but I lost soooo much time because of this. I need to make up for it.

The place is way cleaner now and cooked a huge batch of mealprepped food, so yay! Veggies!

I started a new possible path today. I contacted the local radio station and asked if they could do with a new voice. Apparently some of the producers there responded with enthousiasm and I already got a form sent to me that I have to fill out with my program concept. I'm thinking of doing something with voices, characters, stories, ... Like something along the lines of War Of The Worlds? I feel like that might be cool, no? Or something like Bandersnatch, where the listeners can choose which way the character goes. I just need to get some mileage on my voice. Gotta be able to fill up that resume with relevant experiences. And it doesn't hurt that lots of people from our local radio station went on to do big things. The fact they're happy to see me and want me to pitch a show is a pretty good sign, no? I have a tonne of ideas, but I'm not experienced. I feel like there's a lot of nuance I'm not getting yet. So I asked somebody for help who knows more about it than I do.

The girlfriend bugs me a little bit from time to time. I'm a bit older and more mature and because of my concentration problems, I've had to learn to plan ahead, get my ducks in order and arrange everything on my own. My parents don't really help out so I'm very independant. She's a bit of a different type. She can be a bit chaotic in her planning. I have LOTS of shit do to and not a lot of time to do it in. I find it difficult to say 'No, I have to work.' But on the other hand, that shouldn't be an issue. I guess it just bugs me when she asks me if we can go do something that she doesn't take into account we have an app for a shared planner. She cancels and reengages appointments all the time. I'm used to being the chaotic one and I tried cleaning up my act really well. She's just not at that point yet and sometimes it just tries my patience a bit...

Recent highlight: The response I got from the local radio station was that I could pitch a show to them. Cool!

Budget status: Barely scraping by atm. Luckily there's money to be made soon, all I gotta do is find some time to actually sit and work...

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my bass in gear and start my big To Do list. There's emails, jobs, money, ... Lots to be arranged...

[BooksandTrees]

On 5/27/2019 at 5:10 AM, Phoenixking said:

Day 8. "The relapse. Again."

I relapsed. I just didn't have the energy to fight the urges. I feel like I need to do what I did when I quit gaming. Write down every single thing that I can think of that I can use as fuel to fight the urges. Why do I watch or look up porn? Why do I want to leave it behind? And so on... I need to be a bit more aware of what I think and feel and why. I'm a tad down that it's the boss of me and not the other way around. But I also feel you should pick your battles. I may have lost another battle, but not the war.

 

I wanted to point out that relapse isn't a relapse unless you binge it.  I'm taking the approach that if you sleep 8 hours a night for 3 weeks, but one of the nights you sleep for 3 hours, you won't be effected by it in all facets of your life.  If you get 3 hours of sleep per night for most of those 3 weeks, then you will be delirious, fatigued, sick, etc. and your life will be in a worse spot.  Take this time to reflect on bigger goals such as the reasons you've quit and don't crush yourself in moments like this.  Reflect on your journey so far and use failure as sparks to push forward because that greater thinking will lead your path.

[Phoenixking]

Day 12. "The fair"

I should be working. I should be watching what I spend. But clearly, I should also chill the fuck out. I'm asking A LOT of myself.

You see, there's this yearly tradition. There's this fair in my hometown (more like village) and my best friend has been playing in the same brass band all his life. They always perform at 11am at this fair and I always go out to see them. I didn't have any breakfast and suddenly I was on beer number 6 and had to drive to another friend to play boardgames. I quickly chowed down some McDonald's on the way, drank a liter of water and had some gum. After the boardgames, we went back, because tradition demands it. Spent another 20 on drinks and food.

All in all it was fun, don't get me wrong. And I don't like cancelling plans. When I decide to dial down my spending a bit, I just dont' plan anything new like dates or stuff with friends. I also don't cancel things. I just watch what I spend. But yesterday was no good move for my bank account. I think it was a very strong reaction to the pressure I always put on myself. There's loads of stuff to do and only so much time to do them in. Whenever I've had time recently, I had been procrastinating. I now have a big list and I make sure I meet my goals. But there's also smaller stuff that piles up like scouting for jobs or paying bills or doing laundry and so on... I guess I've found a system that works for me, but have also uncovered an open nerve for me: smaller tasks and chores. I guess I'll have to figure out at some point how to deal with it. I should probably finally get around to read Atomic Habits. If only I had the time...

Recent highlight: I have been practicing a cool new witch doctor-voice and it's coming along great. My Instagram had a great big boost. I used my networking skills to land a well paying gig.

Budget status: I should actually stop spending money when I say that I will stop spending money.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have fun, pay attention and go nuts tomorrow, there's a great improv workshop/class  planned with a big gig in the evening.

[Phoenixking]

Day 12. "Improv and the fatigue"

My sister and her partner and my girlfriend and me went for dinner Friday night. Indian place, good food, loads of jokes and funny stories. My sis and my girl seem to have hit it off. We went out to get some cocktails afterwards and stayed out late and got a little drunk. 

The next day, my hangover and me, went to a six hour improv class. It was very intense but very educational. Afterwards we had a gig that went quite swell too. I was proud, my girl and her friends came out to see and they had a blast. My bike got busted, though. Flat tire, or torn tire, I stil gotta check. 

Today is so ridiculously warm and the past few days have been quite intense. I'm just relaxing and resting and chilling out. I feel a bit bad because I like being productive. But there was a point in the past where I could not allow myself to rest and chill out like this and now it's not so hard anymore. So that's progress!

I'm just going to try and finish up on some small things.

Recent highlight: My sister admitted to me that I may just have saved her life a while back. I dragged her from het ex-boyfriend to my car, got her to pack up her things and drove off. In the car we had a big fight about her life choices (she was doing all sorts of mentally unhealthy stuff and also drugs and auto-mutilation) and her obviously toxic relationship. All my anger and frustration was because I cared and because I was so worried about her. I ended up driving her to the hospital and checking her into the psych ward. She stayed there for a while and slowly recovered. I was on the verge of bawling when she admitted that that was the point her life turned around. She said that I had saved her. I don't recollect ever wanting anything more in the past 10 years hearing her say that.

Budget status: I passed by the food festival today and was not tempted to buy anything! Just went home and ate sandwiches. I checked everything. I keep bleeding over 1000 bucks per month. What the ever flying fuck? Why is everything so expensive and how am I even able to pay for all of it? >.> Next month, when the month is over, I'm making a plan to check what I HAVE to spend like rent or insurance, how much I'd have to save each month and what my spending money will be. I assume it won't be much the first few months ? Sucks to be me this summer, I guess. My gal will want to go around town and do all the things. But she makes a good 1000 per months more. I guess that's what a degree wil getcha.

My one goal for the next 24h: R&R, have a regular day at work tomorrow and maybe do something productive or fun in the evening.

[Phoenixking]

Day 15. "The busted laptop"

The main thing right now is that my laptop is in the repair shop. And I'm still having money worries :p 

I can loan my GF's pc for now, but it's hella slow and old. But I'll manage... I have some mails to write, some casting agencies to contact, ...

We recently had a big talk about our future, moving in, ... I feel good about it. I freaked out majorly in the beginning, wanting to slow things down, but we got through it all. We're totally postponing everything because we've only been a couple for about 6 months now. But I feel like it was healthy to check out what the other person wanted and felt in terms of future plans.

Having no laptop right now is driving me nuts. I put in limiters on my phone and pc to limit my screentime. But this is a whole new level of cage rage and detox. I try to keep busy, keep my schedule, use my phone, write stories and so on... But I still feel like a junkie who just had to have his favorite artery cut off. It's confronting. But I'm also behaving very productively. It's a very humbling experience. I seem to be indeed very hooked on my computer. But it's a tad difficult to imagine what another person with no addiction issues would do and feel in my situation. Technology is so interwoven in our daily lives, addiction aside, wouldn't anybody be a tad annoyed or have their work crippled if no computer was available to them?

Recent highlight: The big talk between me and the GF about the future, money, balance and moving in together. I feel like we're headed for a healthy relationship that will last a while, if not a long time.

Budget status: No idea, because my budget file is on my computer. I'll catch up on this part later this week.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a good brainstorm sesh tonight about my local radio program I'm trying to get off the ground. Tomorrow evening I hope to DM a good D&D-sesh.

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 15. "The busted laptop"

The main thing right now is that my laptop is in the repair shop. And I'm still having money worries ?

I can loan my GF's pc for now, but it's hella slow and old. But I'll manage... I have some mails to write, some casting agencies to contact, ...

We recently had a big talk about our future, moving in, ... I feel good about it. I freaked out majorly in the beginning, wanting to slow things down, but we got through it all. We're totally postponing everything because we've only been a couple for about 6 months now. But I feel like it was healthy to check out what the other person wanted and felt in terms of future plans.

Having no laptop right now is driving me nuts. I put in limiters on my phone and pc to limit my screentime. But this is a whole new level of cage rage and detox. I try to keep busy, keep my schedule, use my phone, write stories and so on... But I still feel like a junkie who just had to have his favorite artery cut off. It's confronting. But I'm also behaving very productively. It's a very humbling experience. I seem to be indeed very hooked on my computer. But it's a tad difficult to imagine what another person with no addiction issues would do and feel in my situation. Technology is so interwoven in our daily lives, addiction aside, wouldn't anybody be a tad annoyed or have their work crippled if no computer was available to them?

Recent highlight: The big talk between me and the GF about the future, money, balance and moving in together. I feel like we're headed for a healthy relationship that will last a while, if not a long time.

Budget status: No idea, because my budget file is on my computer. I'll catch up on this part later this week.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a good brainstorm sesh tonight about my local radio program I'm trying to get off the ground. Tomorrow evening I hope to DM a good D&D-sesh.

That's great to hear about the girlfriend. I hope it continues to go well.  This will also help finances I think if you share an apartment. You can get something better for technically cheaper due to the split of costs.

[Phoenixking]

On 6/5/2019 at 7:45 PM, BooksandTrees said:

That's great to hear about the girlfriend. I hope it continues to go well.  This will also help finances I think if you share an apartment. You can get something better for technically cheaper due to the split of costs.

That's right! And it makes sure there's less hassle. No more packing up overnight bags, no more late trips to spend the night, less stress... But we also agreed it would not be healthy to move too fast and move in together because it would make things more practical and cheaper. But on the other hand, we do spend a LOT of time together. So it sometimes feels like one of us is paying for their apartment without actually living in it. We've postponed it for now. But I get a sense that we might move in together sooner rather than later. 

[Phoenixking]

Day 20. "Only half a person"

It's been a few days so I'll try to be brief. I got an interview next week for a job as a director. Full time. Major company in the field of escape rooms. I'd be leading a team of 7 people and directing a production worth about 80-200 actors and employees like security and stagehands. This is a huge deal and it's been weighing on me. Career-wise, this could be a really big step. It's also a full-time job with a phone and a laptop and the whole shebang. I don't know the pay yet and it would take me 2 and a half hours to just get to the office. I was playing with the idea of moving. So if I take the job, if the interview would go well, my life would drastically change. I would have to quit my office job, which I use now as a safety line financially. So I'm taking a big risk. If I were to move, I'd leave behind friends and family (at least for a while). My weekly schedule would change immensely and my hobbies, parties and so on would suffer. But career-wise, it's a huuuuuge deal. If you can say that you succesfully managed to direct and coach such an enormous production, lots of doors open. I feel like I should at least try?

But there's scary shit that play a major role too. It's not in my native country, it's across the border. So I'd be an immigrant worker. I know my rights here in my own country quite well. But in another country, I'd have to catch up on the rules of engagement quickly. I have to finished my office job for another 4 weeks if I were to quit, but the directing gig starts next week if I were to be offered the position. The CEO is nice and all, progressive style of leadership. But I've contacted some former employees and they mentioned him being a psycho when shit goes haywire. The company used to have 7 directors. Now they changed it to 1 director, with a team of 7 assistants to be his hands and ears in the field. Easier to manage. But those former 7? They got fired on the spot. In an illegal procedure! So they're still cashing in right now. But they got kicked out because the boss said so. So that's a pretty big red flag. They started bitching about pay vs workload earlier this year. The company is expanding right now and setting up another theater production, so I'd understand there's little liquid assets to be used at the moment. The directors kept being pushed and not payed that well. After that there was an incident with an actor and a director and the CEO stepped in. After that the directors grouped up and made a stand. Then they all got fired instantly. Huge red flag... That's ice cold business behavior. But you don't grow to the size and level of succes of major players, without chopping off some heads here and there. From an ice cold business perspective, I get it. You hear this a lot. I'd be building my career on those 7 people's shoulders. The first few weeks would be stress and mayhem. And I'm aware of the risks. Worst case scenario, I get fired instantly because of the crazy boss. If I could still get some unemployment money after that, I'd be willing to take the risk, to be honest. If all goes well, we'll see about moving. A trial period seems in order. 

So yeah. Next week, guys. Huge opportunity for my career but with major red flags and risks. I feel like I'm clever enough to use them to progress my career before they can drain me with their stress and possible low pay. That's to say, IF the interview goes well and they offer me the job.

My computer was busted and now it's fixed. The guy was super nice. Even gave me some free RAM. I had to pick it up rather late. I was about to see the girlfriend. I said I'd be late, had to go pick it up. She said that it was cool and she understood because I was only half a man without it. She was joking and I'd been watching Black Mirror again, so a grain of salt in in place. But I felt a little bile come up in disgust of how accurate that statement was... I am fused to my technology. And that's a little bit scary.

 

Recent highlight: Had a date with my girl. We are so very much in love. We talked about money, our future, ... Week after week, month after month, this is all green flags.

Budget status: For now, I have about 500 bucks to my name. I need gigs, money and to save every fucking penny right now. I don't like it. How did it get to this?

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive day today. Lots to be done. One thing that's really essential is the list of questions I need to get answers to, prior to the interview. Also, my buddy busted my balls over the social media tasks I had for our podcast. Going to arrange that too. 

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 20. "Only half a person"

It's been a few days so I'll try to be brief. I got an interview next week for a job as a director. Full time. Major company in the field of escape rooms. I'd be leading a team of 7 people and directing a production worth about 80-200 actors and employees like security and stagehands. This is a huge deal and it's been weighing on me. Career-wise, this could be a really big step. It's also a full-time job with a phone and a laptop and the whole shebang. I don't know the pay yet and it would take me 2 and a half hours to just get to the office. I was playing with the idea of moving. So if I take the job, if the interview would go well, my life would drastically change. I would have to quit my office job, which I use now as a safety line financially. So I'm taking a big risk. If I were to move, I'd leave behind friends and family (at least for a while). My weekly schedule would change immensely and my hobbies, parties and so on would suffer. But career-wise, it's a huuuuuge deal. If you can say that you succesfully managed to direct and coach such an enormous production, lots of doors open. I feel like I should at least try?

But there's scary *** that play a major role too. It's not in my native country, it's across the border. So I'd be an immigrant worker. I know my rights here in my own country quite well. But in another country, I'd have to catch up on the rules of engagement quickly. I have to finished my office job for another 4 weeks if I were to quit, but the directing gig starts next week if I were to be offered the position. The CEO is nice and all, progressive style of leadership. But I've contacted some former employees and they mentioned him being a psycho when *** goes haywire. The company used to have 7 directors. Now they changed it to 1 director, with a team of 7 assistants to be his hands and ears in the field. Easier to manage. But those former 7? They got fired on the spot. In an illegal procedure! So they're still cashing in right now. But they got kicked out because the boss said so. So that's a pretty big red flag. They started bitching about pay vs workload earlier this year. The company is expanding right now and setting up another theater production, so I'd understand there's little liquid assets to be used at the moment. The directors kept being pushed and not payed that well. After that there was an incident with an actor and a director and the CEO stepped in. After that the directors grouped up and made a stand. Then they all got fired instantly. Huge red flag... That's ice cold business behavior. But you don't grow to the size and level of succes of major players, without chopping off some heads here and there. From an ice cold business perspective, I get it. You hear this a lot. I'd be building my career on those 7 people's shoulders. The first few weeks would be stress and mayhem. And I'm aware of the risks. Worst case scenario, I get fired instantly because of the crazy boss. If I could still get some unemployment money after that, I'd be willing to take the risk, to be honest. If all goes well, we'll see about moving. A trial period seems in order. 

So yeah. Next week, guys. Huge opportunity for my career but with major red flags and risks. I feel like I'm clever enough to use them to progress my career before they can drain me with their stress and possible low pay. That's to say, IF the interview goes well and they offer me the job.

My computer was busted and now it's fixed. The guy was super nice. Even gave me some free RAM. I had to pick it up rather late. I was about to see the girlfriend. I said I'd be late, had to go pick it up. She said that it was cool and she understood because I was only half a man without it. She was joking and I'd been watching Black Mirror again, so a grain of salt in in place. But I felt a little bile come up in disgust of how accurate that statement was... I am fused to my technology. And that's a little bit scary.

 

Recent highlight: Had a date with my girl. We are so very much in love. We talked about money, our future, ... Week after week, month after month, this is all green flags.

Budget status: For now, I have about 500 bucks to my name. I need gigs, money and to save every fucking penny right now. I don't like it. How did it get to this?

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive day today. Lots to be done. One thing that's really essential is the list of questions I need to get answers to, prior to the interview. Also, my buddy busted my balls over the social media tasks I had for our podcast. Going to arrange that too. 

The job is something you'll have to weigh. I'll add some of my thoughts:

1. Don't commute longer than 45 minutes to a job. I did longer than this for 4 years and it made me want to commit suicide. I'm not joking when I say that. I got in a very bad spot mentally.
2. Jobs should be secure. The pressure of someone getting fired will always be in your mind. I was doing well at my old job and someone was fired last year. It still hit me. If I had a few bad days where I wasn't as productive as possible I got very paranoid. I'm not saying you will, but since you are already mentioning it as a red flag, that means you'll think of it on bad days as well.
3. If the CEO is a lunatic that's something that you'd have to experience and weigh out. I have had a great relationship with certain bosses of mine and had people tell me that they were assholes. I got along just fine. I think that's something you'd only be able to decide on after working there.
4. The first few months might be stressful, but after having multiple jobs over 10 years, as well as you, I think you know the first full year is really stressful regardless of how well everything is going due to learning how the company works, who is there, etc.

I personally don't like the sound of this, but if it's something you're leaning towards then it could pay off. It's just something you'd have to decide and create a list of pros and cons. This kind of job could have lots of cons with the pros and weighing them vs your current situation is important.

[Phoenixking]

On 6/10/2019 at 4:56 PM, BooksandTrees said:

The job is something you'll have to weigh. I'll add some of my thoughts:

1. Don't commute longer than 45 minutes to a job. I did longer than this for 4 years and it made me want to commit suicide. I'm not joking when I say that. I got in a very bad spot mentally.
2. Jobs should be secure. The pressure of someone getting fired will always be in your mind. I was doing well at my old job and someone was fired last year. It still hit me. If I had a few bad days where I wasn't as productive as possible I got very paranoid. I'm not saying you will, but since you are already mentioning it as a red flag, that means you'll think of it on bad days as well.
3. If the CEO is a lunatic that's something that you'd have to experience and weigh out. I have had a great relationship with certain bosses of mine and had people tell me that they were assholes. I got along just fine. I think that's something you'd only be able to decide on after working there.
4. The first few months might be stressful, but after having multiple jobs over 10 years, as well as you, I think you know the first full year is really stressful regardless of how well everything is going due to learning how the company works, who is there, etc.

I personally don't like the sound of this, but if it's something you're leaning towards then it could pay off. It's just something you'd have to decide and create a list of pros and cons. This kind of job could have lots of cons with the pros and weighing them vs your current situation is important.

Thanks for your input, man. I appreciate the perspective. I don't like admitting it, but I do think you're right in that driving over 5 hours a day just to get to and from my workplace is insane. I'm totally going to ask about that during the interview and hope that they'll allow me to use the laptop and phone the job comes with to work from home. That'd be delightful. But if I were them, I wouldn't allow me that luxury from the get go. I realize the distance is insane and if I have to slug it back and forth on a daily basis, I might move. I'd have to save some money to pay for the breach of contract, though. I'd have to pay twice my rent if I were to up and leave. But it would make the daily trip more doable. I've also talked to my girl about this and she'd be cool with it. We'd have to find a new rythm as a couple and it would affect my personal life, friends and hobbies too. But I'm thinking of this as a career move, not as a permanent thing. So I'm inclined to download a shitload of podcasts and just binge them. I also swallow just shakes and coffee in the morning so I'd have that going for me. No breakfast needed. And the company in general is pretty progressive and nice. I can easily see them being flexible and kind towards my being an immigrant worker and allowing me some freedom. But it is totally a big factor. Hence why I'm not planning on actually staying for ages. The main reason is experience, moving up the ladder, and being able to learn to coach, direct and lead.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm stressed. I am in front of a choice to change every single stable thing I'm built and trade it in for a career upgrade. It's a risk and there are no gifts or presents along the way. But deep down, I feel like I should take the leap. I'm the PhoenixKing, man. I don't take that name lightly. I bounce back hecka crazy from bad shit. I can take punches easily. I'm prepared to do this for a whole year, absord as much as I can and get the heck out before it actually damages me permanently. I feel like the worst case scenario would be getting fired instantly like those before me. This is why I'm already getting legal counsel beforehand. Just in case. I'm scared man. Stressed too. But I feel like this is a dive I should at least try to take. I think I would regret it if I didn't. I just hope the pay is okay, that could really be a dealbreaker.

[Phoenixking]

Day 1. "Never a good time to quit. So anytime is okay."

Pressure is mounting. The crazy interview for a potential life-changing job is next week. I have 5 days left to prepare and lots to study for it. I'm terrified. Even more so of the idea of them actually offering me the job. Because that would open up a huge can of worm, throw a bunch of curveballs my way and set stuff ablaze. But I'd be a director, leading 7 people, coaching 200 people, making a true difference... That feeling deep inside my gut, telling me to tell stories to people, to teach and entertain and to pour my passion into something... I gotta try.

In the meantime, I've chosen to quit porn. So I'm detoxing for 90 days to reset the pleasure centers of my brain. I'm going to try and not abuse Reddit to find steamy things, visit any pornsite, the whole spiel. Anything that could 'force' my brain to pump out dopamine in a synthetic way, is to be shunned. This is a big assignment and I have been postponing it for a while. But I feel like I'm armed better this time around.

On a side note my bike was stolen, my laptop broke down again and I just got another bill. Also my boiler broke down so I have no actual hot water right now.

I used to use games, porn, social media and Netflix as an escape from life. Resulting in a me that handled life itself less well. It's time to change that. I feel motivated to take on the monkey on my back. I acknowledge the difficulty, though. The stuff mentioned above are stressy stuff. But truly my life has never been about stability and regular stuff. I'm a crazy, hyperactive dude, a walking fireworksshow. I'm sure I'll be fine. And if I'm not, I'll bounce back eventually. As long as there's food on my plate, right?

 

Recent highlight: Every week my girl amazes me with the quality of our relationship. The support, the communication, the amount of love... I am the luckiest guy on earth.

Budget status: I should be fixing up gigs but because of the interview, I'm putting all my eggs in that basket. Also, the computer is still busted so my budgetting file is temporarily unavailable. Still, I'm rather broke. And it's not a pleasant feeling. But hey, at least I have my health, love and my passions, right?

My one goal for the next 24h: Get some studying done for the interview and blow everybody's mind at DND tomorrow evening. They will meet their first recurring NPC, I have an artist coming in to draw scenes on the fly and they have all this cool stuff to discover and investigate. I've been looking forward to it for a whole week.

•  

[BooksandTrees]

8 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 1. "Never a good time to quit. So anytime is okay."

Pressure is mounting. The crazy interview for a potential life-changing job is next week. I have 5 days left to prepare and lots to study for it. I'm terrified. Even more so of the idea of them actually offering me the job. Because that would open up a huge can of worm, throw a bunch of curveballs my way and set stuff ablaze. But I'd be a director, leading 7 people, coaching 200 people, making a true difference... That feeling deep inside my gut, telling me to tell stories to people, to teach and entertain and to pour my passion into something... I gotta try.

In the meantime, I've chosen to quit porn. So I'm detoxing for 90 days to reset the pleasure centers of my brain. I'm going to try and not abuse Reddit to find steamy things, visit any pornsite, the whole spiel. Anything that could 'force' my brain to pump out dopamine in a synthetic way, is to be shunned. This is a big assignment and I have been postponing it for a while. But I feel like I'm armed better this time around.

On a side note my bike was stolen, my laptop broke down again and I just got another bill. Also my boiler broke down so I have no actual hot water right now.

I used to use games, porn, social media and Netflix as an escape from life. Resulting in a me that handled life itself less well. It's time to change that. I feel motivated to take on the monkey on my back. I acknowledge the difficulty, though. The stuff mentioned above are stressy stuff. But truly my life has never been about stability and regular stuff. I'm a crazy, hyperactive dude, a walking fireworksshow. I'm sure I'll be fine. And if I'm not, I'll bounce back eventually. As long as there's food on my plate, right?

 

Recent highlight: Every week my girl amazes me with the quality of our relationship. The support, the communication, the amount of love... I am the luckiest guy on earth.

Budget status: I should be fixing up gigs but because of the interview, I'm putting all my eggs in that basket. Also, the computer is still busted so my budgetting file is temporarily unavailable. Still, I'm rather broke. And it's not a pleasant feeling. But hey, at least I have my health, love and my passions, right?

My one goal for the next 24h: Get some studying done for the interview and blow everybody's mind at DND tomorrow evening. They will meet their first recurring NPC, I have an artist coming in to draw scenes on the fly and they have all this cool stuff to discover and investigate. I've been looking forward to it for a whole week.

•  

Good job sticking with things and just remember to keep a good sleep schedule, eat regular meals, and stay hydrated. I know that sounds dumb, but maintaining your health promotes a strong mentality and helps you make decisions. Good luck.

[Phoenixking]

Day 7. "Round 2?"

My computer is still busted. Laptop repair guy gave it back and it worked for 1 day. Then it just kept shutting down more often than when I gave it to him in the first place. He found out another guy had the same issues and thus deducted it was a similar software issue. He was every embarassed when I came back and had to tell him he had made it worse. Now, truth be told, my power cable for the laptop has been so used up, it's literally shooting sparks. I might just be poking in the dark here, but that might have been a cause XD He said he'd benchmark the computer and call me when it's fixed. I'm rather miffed that I still haven't gotten it back. It's been throwing a few wrenches in the works, surely.

Still no porn, tomorrow I'll be a week free of the stuff. I do notice that I still use a lot of things that artificially give me shots of dopamine. My Duolingo-app is an example. A language learning app designed to gamify discovering new words and phrases in foreign tongues. I haven't learnt Hiragana any faster than now. There's a leaderboard and I'm totally nailing it. It's odd to see my competitiveness in such a healthy way because I'm learning Japanese now at an interstellar rate. 

The foot is still healing and it hurts from time to time, so no sports yet. Which is annoying, because after 2 months, I've been gaining a little weight...

The interview went well. I feel like the HR lady was totally on my side and into my story. The other dude was ex-military, so I'm hoping his pokerface was because of that and professionalism and no because I wasn't doing so hot. I'll hear tomorrow or the day after if I make it through to the final round. That means I'll be expecting a call from the CEO next week. He's going to advise HR who he'd pick and why and then leave the decision up to them. I've worked with him before, and it went well, though I did have to stand up to him and not take his shit. It was a writing gig and he was trying to push me beyond what he was paying me for too often. I'm not sure he'd respect me for standing up for myself or if he's a sneaky dude and wants somebody he could make do what he wants.

The biggest news is that my girlfriend and I have decided what to do with the next few months. We're going to be hitting major milestones. We're going on our first vacation/adventure together using a travel company that only tells you your destination an hour before your flight. They share the weather, the time your flight leaves, but you only get the info of where you stay just before you actually go. Sounds like something right up our alley! On top of that, we decided that moving in is totally going to be a thing. We're just working out the logistics. Everything has been almost nothing but green flags. Our relationship is nurturing, healthy and communicative. She's going to stay at mine for a month and after that I'm going to stay at hers for a month. I hope we end up moving into my place because I realllllly don't want to pack everything up again... Or we both move into a third appartment we both feel good about. Either way, it's going amazingly.

Recent highlight: The interview was fun and I felt like I was being true to myself the entire time.

Budget status: As soon as my next paycheck comes in next week, I'll have a bit more space to breathe. I'm hanging on by a thread this week, but hanging on nevertheless.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get some work done right now so that I can go get groceries tomorrow evening and cook for the girlfriend.

Edited November 5, 2020 by Phoenixking
Anonymity.

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 7. "Round 2?"

My computer is still busted. Laptop repair guy gave it back and it worked for 1 day. Then it just kept shutting down more often than when I gave it to him in the first place. He found out another guy had the same issues and thus deducted it was a similar software issue. He was every embarassed when I came back and had to tell him he had made it worse. Now, truth be told, my power cable for the laptop has been so used up, it's literally shooting sparks. I might just be poking in the dark here, but that might have been a cause XD He said he'd benchmark the computer and call me when it's fixed. I'm rather miffed that I still haven't gotten it back. It's been throwing a few wrenches in the works, surely.

Still no porn, tomorrow I'll be a week free of the stuff. I do notice that I still use a lot of things that artificially give me shots of dopamine. My Duolingo-app is an example. A language learning app designed to gamify discovering new words and phrases in foreign tongues. I haven't learnt Hiragana any faster than now. There's a leaderboard and I'm totally nailing it. It's odd to see my competitiveness in such a healthy way because I'm learning Japanese now at an interstellar rate. 

The foot is still healing and it hurts from time to time, so no sports yet. Which is annoying, because after 2 months, I've been gaining a little weight...

The interview went well. I feel like the HR lady was totally on my side and into my story. The other dude was ex-military, so I'm hoping his pokerface was because of that and professionalism and no because I wasn't doing so hot. I'll hear tomorrow or the day after if I make it through to the final round. That means I'll be expecting a call from the CEO next week. He's going to advise HR who he'd pick and why and then leave the decision up to them. I've worked with him before, and it went well, though I did have to stand up to him and not take his ***. It was a writing gig and he was trying to push me beyond what he was paying me for too often. I'm not sure he'd respect me for standing up for myself or if he's a sneaky dude and wants somebody he could make do what he wants.

The biggest news is that Elien, my girlfriend, and I have decided what to do with the next few months. We're going to be hitting major milestones. We're going on our first vacation/adventure together using a travel company that only tells you your destination an hour before your flight. They share the weather, the time your flight leaves, but you only get the info of where you stay just before you actually go. Sounds like something right up our alley! On top of that, we decided that moving in is totally going to be a thing. We're just working out the logistics. Everything has been almost nothing but green flags. Our relationship is nurturing, healthy and communicative. She's going to stay at mine for a month and after that I'm going to stay at hers for a month. I hope we end up moving into my place because I realllllly don't want to pack everything up again... Or we both move into a third appartment we both feel good about. Either way, it's going amazingly.

Recent highlight: The interview was fun and I felt like I was being true to myself the entire time.

Budget status: As soon as my next paycheck comes in next week, I'll have a bit more space to breathe. I'm hanging on by a thread this week, but hanging on nevertheless.

My one goal for the next 24h: Get some work done right now so that I can go get groceries tomorrow evening and cook for the girlfriend.

I'd be careful with how demanding this guy could be in the work environment especially if you've worked with him before and had this experience. I'm glad the interview went well and hopefully you find something new for yourself to enjoy. Weight comes and goes and there could be other ways to change how it's coming along if you really needed. Don't feel too bad about that one. Good job with the girlfriend and hopefully things keep going well.

[Phoenixking]

Day 12. "Bugs & Fatigue"

I had a rough week. My part-time job at the office had somebody take a vacation, so I had to work full-time to cover them. I'm very much not used to that anymore. I have so many projects and stuff I entrepreneur that really had to take a step back and take care of myself and realize that health, mental and physical, took priority. After the full office week, I had a Fridaynight and a full saturday of acting. On Sunday I had a choir gig I had to host and another taping of our podcast. 7 very busy days. Today is the first day I have to myself. I tried giving my sleep and food schedule enough attention. I noticed in all of this that having a girlfriend is not always perfect. I wanted to sit and chill and watch Jessica Jones and sip scotch. She was making chili and I just wanted to sit down and turn my brain off for a while. She kept asking stuff and bugging me. Not really bugging me but just small stuff. I had trouble actively shutting her out because I didn't want to be an asshole. She's stepped into my personal time before and I have communicated my boundaries before; it's not like this is a big issue. It's just something I should keep in mind if we'd move in together: I need a personal space to shut the world out a bit. And she is somebody that requires lots of stimuli, talks, attention and confirmation. I'm her go-to guy for lots of things and vice versa. I'm happy I have a day to myself today, though. It's clear I needed it. We talked about it and agreed that personal space is an important factor if we'd be living together. I'm also just tired and cranky.

We had a long conversation about bugs in her place. She's àlways working and she has trouble arranging the small stuff. A clean kitchen, screens to put over her windows, air circulation in her bathroom... These are all things I would fix asap. I hate bugs with a passion. But she's been to Africa, Peru, ... She's been in bug-infested hotels and slept on the floor with rats and stuff. She's got a higher tolerance for all those things and she fall asleep in a matter of minutes so she doesn't notice any pesky mosquitos. I am not that person, however. I try to kill all the bugs in the bedroom by hand, I activate an electric bug poison spreading thingy, I close the bedroom window because she has no screens, ... But then she leaves the light on in the bedroom, door open and window open and the place is crawling again... It's just a few bugs or mosquitos, not the end of the world. But it turned into a long conversation about how she feels like she's failing to manage her life and how it always seems that I have my ducks more in a row than she does. My place is cleaner, has no issues like hers and she's ashamed of it because her appartment is the first time she's been fully on her own. It's not her fault because her parents raised her with less self reliance than mine did. And I HAD to figure out all those things because I was all alone and nobody was helping me. It's all a bit of a gray area. 

Safe to say that we communicate well and make efforts for each other and we are still totally doing fine. But sometimes shit just ain't easy. If you're tired, stressed and it's hot, if there's bugs and you don't have time to unwind, ... I just hope she doesn't burn out or something. She's always running around the place like a crazed FOMO-lunatic. I think she might be running away from certain issues like I used to. I used games and porn to compensate for so many things. I'm now about 2 weeks clean of porn and almost 3 years clean of games. I've only found a bit more peace inside of me since a few months. And even that can still be a struggle sometimes. But it's totally there and that's a major step forwards. 

I saw the CEO of the company I'm hoping to be a director at. Normally I was going to get a call from him tomorrow. But he asked if I would be willing to make a 2 hour drive to see him in person. I agreed because I'm a pleaser. Afterwards I realized that this was him getting a finger and asking for a hand. I felt like I should reconsider, call him and say no. I wanted to respect myself and stand up to him in a way. But I decided not to. I'm aware and strong enough to set proper boundaries. I'm not scared of working for him. But I think it's a smarter move, if he really is how I think he is, to just play along for now until I get my contract signed. I'm seeing him in 2 days. I hope I'll get a call by the end of the week. Let's hope that all of this effort won't be for nothing... If worse comes to worst, I still have enough cool projects coming up. Teaching improv, teaching acting and I've been allowed to make a local radio show.

Recent highlight: The choir gig was so much fun. And the DND-podcast session Sunday was a rollercoaster of emotions. I look forward to the fan's reactions!

Budget status: Right now, I'm coasting by. Being careful is always a smart thing to do. I'll get my bigger paycheck this week, normally. But the computer is still KO so no budget file. It's starting to piss me off. It's been in repair pretty long now... Also, hail ruined my car windows. I might need to get them replaced and I don't know if insurance will cover it because I've been slacking off with the paperwork. I have a yearly government mandatory check-up soon, so fuck me, right?

My one goal for the next 24h: See the job coach today, see my neighbour tomorrow for afterwork drinks with her girlfriend and have a great improv rehearsal tomorrow night.

[BooksandTrees]

On 6/24/2019 at 6:59 AM, Phoenixking said:

Day 12. "Bugs & Fatigue"

I had a rough week. My part-time job at the office had somebody take a vacation, so I had to work full-time to cover them. I'm very much not used to that anymore. I have so many projects and stuff I entrepreneur that really had to take a step back and take care of myself and realize that health, mental and physical, took priority. After the full office week, I had a Fridaynight and a full saturday of acting. On Sunday I had a choir gig I had to host and another taping of our podcast. 7 very busy days. Today is the first day I have to myself. I tried giving my sleep and food schedule enough attention. I noticed in all of this that having a girlfriend is not always perfect. I wanted to sit and chill and watch Jessica Jones and sip scotch. She was making chili and I just wanted to sit down and turn my brain off for a while. She kept asking stuff and bugging me. Not really bugging me but just small stuff. I had trouble actively shutting her out because I didn't want to be an ***. She's stepped into my personal time before and I have communicated my boundaries before; it's not like this is a big issue. It's just something I should keep in mind if we'd move in together: I need a personal space to shut the world out a bit. And she is somebody that requires lots of stimuli, talks, attention and confirmation. I'm her go-to guy for lots of things and vice versa. I'm happy I have a day to myself today, though. It's clear I needed it. We talked about it and agreed that personal space is an important factor if we'd be living together. I'm also just tired and cranky.

We had a long conversation about bugs in her place. She's àlways working and she has trouble arranging the small stuff. A clean kitchen, screens to put over her windows, air circulation in her bathroom... These are all things I would fix asap. I hate bugs with a passion. But she's been to Africa, Peru, ... She's been in bug-infested hotels and slept on the floor with rats and stuff. She's got a higher tolerance for all those things and she fall asleep in a matter of minutes so she doesn't notice any pesky mosquitos. I am not that person, however. I try to kill all the bugs in the bedroom by hand, I activate an electric bug poison spreading thingy, I close the bedroom window because she has no screens, ... But then she leaves the light on in the bedroom, door open and window open and the place is crawling again... It's just a few bugs or mosquitos, not the end of the world. But it turned into a long conversation about how she feels like she's failing to manage her life and how it always seems that I have my ducks more in a row than she does. My place is cleaner, has no issues like hers and she's ashamed of it because her appartment is the first time she's been fully on her own. It's not her fault because her parents raised her with less self reliance than mine did. And I HAD to figure out all those things because I was all alone and nobody was helping me. It's all a bit of a gray area. 

Safe to say that we communicate well and make efforts for each other and we are still totally doing fine. But sometimes *** just ain't easy. If you're tired, stressed and it's hot, if there's bugs and you don't have time to unwind, ... I just hope she doesn't burn out or something. She's always running around the place like a crazed FOMO-lunatic. I think she might be running away from certain issues like I used to. I used games and porn to compensate for so many things. I'm now about 2 weeks clean of porn and almost 3 years clean of games. I've only found a bit more peace inside of me since a few months. And even that can still be a struggle sometimes. But it's totally there and that's a major step forwards. 

I saw the CEO of the company I'm hoping to be a director at. Normally I was going to get a call from him tomorrow. But he asked if I would be willing to make a 2 hour drive to see him in person. I agreed because I'm a pleaser. Afterwards I realized that this was him getting a finger and asking for a hand. I felt like I should reconsider, call him and say no. I wanted to respect myself and stand up to him in a way. But I decided not to. I'm aware and strong enough to set proper boundaries. I'm not scared of working for him. But I think it's a smarter move, if he really is how I think he is, to just play along for now until I get my contract signed. I'm seeing him in 2 days. I hope I'll get a call by the end of the week. Let's hope that all of this effort won't be for nothing... If worse comes to worst, I still have enough cool projects coming up. Teaching improv, teaching acting and I've been allowed to make a local radio show.

Recent highlight: The choir gig was so much fun. And the DND-podcast session Sunday was a rollercoaster of emotions. I look forward to the fan's reactions!

Budget status: Right now, I'm coasting by. Being careful is always a smart thing to do. I'll get my bigger paycheck this week, normally. But the computer is still KO so no budget file. It's starting to *** me off. It's been in repair pretty long now... Also, hail ruined my car windows. I might need to get them replaced and I don't know if insurance will cover it because I've been slacking off with the paperwork. I have a yearly government mandatory check-up soon, so *** me, right?

My one goal for the next 24h: See the job coach today, see my neighbour tomorrow for afterwork drinks with her girlfriend and have a great improv rehearsal tomorrow night.

Nice dude. Sometimes it's tough to explain boundaries because they can be so interchangeable. Like you might always want to talk but then one out of 50 nights you want to be in a quiet space and consume yourself with only yourself. I'd be pissed about the bugs as well. I think some people have seen the lowest of things and are just happy for some higher level of things and it might not meet your standard of living. This could be why she feels your dominos are together over hers. But if you saw a millionaire business mogul's standard of living it could make you feel unsuccessful and insignificant. Like you could do better. So it's one of those try to help them see your standards slowly over time and it might need a few reminders. If they don't change or acknowledge the issue then it's a red flag in a relationship to me. I think she's been supportive of you over this period so I wouldn't break up with her over it unless you've mentioned it for 6 months to a year and you're living with her full time. If you're over there a few nights a month then it's kind of out of your control and will need to be a staple of living conditions if you move in. If you move in with her and she continues to do it then that's a big no-no.

I think couples will always disagree over certain things, but if it's a direct request that isn't met then I'm kind of an asshole and cut people off and move on, but I'm in no way suggesting you do this at all lol. So don't do that. I'm just saying from past experience from a relationship or even living wtih my parents or other roommates. When they would continuously do things I've talked to them about I got offended and I think they were just careless and didn't think about it. I'd think they were directly trying to piss me off when they were just being careless. But I'd be hard on them for it after multiple instances. I don't like that.

I guess it's just a pro and con thing. I think you have something great with her so I wouldn't blow it up too much.

[fawn_xoxo]

Well done with your progress man.
Couples fight, sometimes it gets bad, sometimes it's easier. Love isn't fairytales, it's giving and putting in the effort every day, every week, every month, every year, because you know you have something good, even if it's not always good. You are not perfect and she is not perfect, and that's fine. Chasing after perfection makes us miserable, makes us really demanding of others and of ourselves. You seem to be doing really well, personally and with your relationship.

All the best to you, keep going. It slowly gets easier every month, would you agree? It's been my experience at least.

[Phoenixking]

On 6/27/2019 at 3:42 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think you have something great with her so I wouldn't blow it up too much.

Yeah, we talked about. We basically talk about everything. And writing it down in this journal helps structure thoughts and feelings. We had a talk about personal space and being clingy too. She's cool with it. But it's up to me to set that boundary, I can't expect her to be telepathic and just 'sense' whenever she needs to back off a bit. And I bought a fan to deal with the heat. And though she despised it, she's agreed to put up some fly catchers, you know, those sticky types? She hates them because she once got caught in one of those. So all in all, we're good.

[Phoenixking]

Day 17. "When one door closes ... you flail through the window you try to open yourself."

I didn't get the job. I was so close, I could taste it. I was one of the best candidates and they liked my for my leadership qualities and growth mindset. But I got one-upped by a dude with actual directing experience. I can't argue with that. So I've allowed myself a day of mourning or two. It's been a day or two and I'm still a bit raw. I was so ready for it. It was finally going to be my big break. I've been close to awesome shit before... Auditions, tv shows, amazing opportunities that could have opened up the field for my career. And time after time, I came in second place. Too young, too old, inexperienced, experienced but in the wrong field, ... After a while, it get very depressing. So that sucks.

I also flew too close to the sun, I feel. My office job is no longer enough for me. It's a good way to pay the bills. But I feel that I've gotten everything out if it that I can. I'm not doing myself any favors staying there. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the next few months. But I'm setting myself a deadline. I get to pick up my big end-of-year bonus. After that, I HAVE to quit for my own mental health's sake. If I find something cool to pay the bills in the meantime, that's cool too. The directing job had a cool company attached to it. Modern means of communicating and organising. Open and flexible. Lots of millenials and very progressive mindset. My kind of place. I got a taste of what I could be. So the office is no longer enough.

I'll probably be a little loco for a few days or weeks because of this fallout. I was so focussed on the job that lots of other things got pushed aside. My broken and now also stolen bike (good luck repairing it, asshole thief!), my busted computer, the money issues, ... I now also get to focus on all of the projects I have. The radio show is going to be expecting results soon, I have class in the fall that I have to teach, ... I even got a call from a buddy of mine who's in the same league as I am. He's at home with his parents and has no girl like mine. So less bills to pay but also a different sense of support. I get a lot out of my relationship and he's not there yet. Not that I'm comparing us... Okay, I am. He's ahead of me. Connected to some tv people and he does crowd warmup gigs, some music thingies for radio an events. He asked me if I wanted to get back into comedy again. The rage and frustration the office gives me could provide me with good fuel. Since it's only in the fall I have a few months to try out my material at open mics. 

And then there's the vlogging idea and the screenplays. A friend has sent over some screenplays and wants to see what his options are. Some of them are written with me as a lead in mind. I have yet to see if it's worth anything. But I can imagine that if there's something good in it, we might want to send a few messages to a couple of producers. And last night I got recognized by a fan. I was at a music festival and some random dude addressed me. He had been a fan of mine 10 years ago when I still made vlogs. I can't believe it's that long ago. It gave me the tickle to maybe start doing them again. It's fun and a cool medium to tell my story. I was thinking of a blog, but maybe a vlog is better? I still have to work out the logistics and if it's a good idea or not... And obviously because the job fell through, I'm now suddenly looking to invent the next sliced bread because of compensating and mourning. I know, don't tell me.

 

Recent highlight: Getting recognized by a fan was pretty cool. My girl taking my sorry ass to dinner, having cocktails and loving me up was pretty great. That girl is golden. So supportive...

Budget status: Eh. The pc needs to be repaired, car needs to be maintained and I'm sure some bill are right around the corner. Thank god for my steady job, but I might have to dial down my activities this summer...

My one goal for the next 24h: Be mindful of my busted foot (hurt it last night while dancing) and have a good time at the music festival and see one of my favourite local bands!

[Phoenixking]

On 6/28/2019 at 10:32 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

All the best to you, keep going. It slowly gets easier every month, would you agree? It's been my experience at least.

Thanks. It does. But I can still feel it scratching at the back of my skull, though. It seems like I'm no longer actively looking or longing for a fix, not even when stressed. But it's now deceptively dormant. As if it's lying in wait, patiently eyeballing me for it's next opportunity to pounce. It sometimes makes me lower my guard.

[Hmmge]

Sorry about the job. Don't get discouraged by external circumstances though. To put it in science terms: keep maximizing the probability of success and eventually, the result sampled from your distribution will be successful! ?

[Phoenixking]

On 6/29/2019 at 9:03 PM, JustTom said:

Sorry about the job. Don't get discouraged by external circumstances though. To put it in science terms: keep maximizing the probability of success and eventually, the result sampled from your distribution will be successful! ?

Hahaha, I love this line XD Thanks, man. Lots of people around me, both professionals and just random friends, keep saying the same thing. You have gotten so many noes at points where you could have had your big break. That means there's been so many moments you could have had a big break. That means there will easily be more of those moments. So all you gotta do is keep it up and be lucky. Or something like that.

[Phoenixking]

Day 19. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

I"ve been thinking of my projects. The vlogs, comedy, photography and my other million ideas. I'm starting to come down from my sadness and returning to normal. I have a summer to write a comedy set, an episode of my potential new radio show, and so on... I have a lot of work cut out for me. Which is cool. But sadly it's all a long term investment instead of an immediate payout. I could really use the money right now. I probably will have to skip out on some cool summer festivals, parties, ... I went out all weekend and spent over 100 bucks on food and drinks. In that sense my girl is a horrible influence. She's very living la vida loca. Lots of FOMO. I'm lucky I'm a bit more chill at at peace. I can spend a week just staying at home and working on my projects and that will fulfill me. If I have a week with nothing in my calendar, I have faith that it will not go to waste. I used to spend all that time playing games. Now I do actually useful stuff that make me feel good about myself. 

I am social, though. But I'm more the guy that get asked to go out. I'm not the guy that asks to come. I'm a dude who agrees to come. But she's different. She has all these places she wants to go, people she wants to meet. And though I'm up for it because I like having fun and am open and adventurous. I also notice I spend lots of money by accident because I'm impulsive and a type that enjoys life a lot. I splurge easily. It's always been easier for me to not go out instead of grow enough discipline to actually contain those impulses. I'm trying to be more mindful of this and try to push her away a little bit more. She can be a little bit clingy. And though that's okay, I need to be aware of that and set and respect my own boundaries.

My computer is still busted but should return in a few days. It's been a big setback. My whole world is on there. It's like a room of my apartment has been taken out, suddenly. I can live without it obviously, but everyhing was set right where I wanted it to be. I had my screentime limiting apps, I had everything I needed where I needed it. It's annoying to not have it. I feel like I'm less productive, less in the zone.

I spent the day with family yesterday. We had a huge talk about my aunt dying. It was incredibly cathartic. Mourning is a very personal and complicated experience. 

 

Recent highlight: Seeing and meeting a local band I'm a big fan of and getting a picture with them. Also my podcast got mentioned as the number one thing to listen to in an article of a student magazine of a big city. Mind=blown.

Budget status: Eh. Ouch. As soon as I get my PC back, I'm starting a money plan. I've been keeping track of my budget for half a year now. I can turn all that info into an algorythm, a system and use that to figure out how much I have to save, how much I can spend and what my monthly minimum wage would have to be from freelancing to remain healthy. But I need my computer back.

My one goal for the next 24h: Have a productive day today and try not to let my spirit get broken at work tomorrow.

[Phoenixking]

Day 21. "Everything is an addiction."

I'm hooked on this app called 'Duolingo'. I always wanted to learn Japanese. It gives me a daily 10 minute dose of Japanese and I've been progressing rather fast. I pick stuff like this up very quickly. It's how I'm able to impersonate accents and other people's voices. There's just this quirk in my brain. Seeing as I relapsed 3 weeks ago, I figured I'd hack my brain and it's reward system! It would be as some kind of controlled replacement drug and it'd teach me Japanese. Now, there's also this leaderboard and it's woken up my competitive streak. I don't care about the ingame money. I care about learning new words and getting that sweet number 1 spot. I was doing this for a week or two when I noticed that to keep up the pace with the others on the leaderboard, I had to spend several hours on the app... I have been number one on the bronze, silver, gold and now saphire leagues. I make efforts to maintain it all. And suddenly I realized it's very similar to my time as a gamer. The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine? I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online. I even used to have a sextoy in the house and I threw that away because it scared me how often I would use it. I feel like I'm this junkie who, if I can't use video games or porn, would find just about ànything to satify the needs of my badly wired brain. I'm happy I threw the sextoy away. But a part of me thinks it's an overreaction. Isn't literally everybody in life addicted to feeling good in some way? Some use performing comedy or food as a way to get that rewards mechanism going, others use gaming. I quit gaming because I felt like it was hurting my life's potential and my career. But after that I quit porn because it used the same artificial ways that games or some app would use to 'force' happy-hormones out of your brain. 

For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are? Am I overthinking this so much that I ruin things I could enjoy if I were to just worry less about them?

 

Recent highlight: The podcast session last night was a true knockout. I look very forward to the reactions.

Budget status: I try to postpone every purchase I have to do. When I get my computer back, hopefully this week, I'll try to work out a system to see how much I can afford on what. That should help and will also make me feel a bit more in control.

My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the date and the movie with my lovely girlfriend. And do my best to have a good dnd session tomorrow evening.

[fawn_xoxo]

7 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

The addiction to increase that highscore, the rush of beating somebody else... I'm on the fence. How serious should I take this behaviour of mine?

I feel progress in Japanese, major progress even! But I'm scared this is, just like porn was, another way to keep the addiction online.

For the first time in so many years of this, I'm actually scared. Is this just who I am? Is this how humans are?

According to https://www.asam.org/ :  Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. 

Just thought I'd paste this here too and remind you that getting rewards isn't the problem. There are multiple problems that stem from a repetitive/obsessive use of certain things that make those things bad, that make us call them addictive. 

Is eating addictive? If you obsess over it and think about it all day and it disrupts your life, it is.
Is love addictive? Same rules apply to all. 

Don't be scared, be happy you are vigilant. Not a lot of things can now happen to us without us noticing them, cause we're scarred from being junkies, is my own conclusion.