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Phoenixking

Not gonna lie, pretty anxious

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Hello.

Uhm. The book suggested that I introduce myself. So here I am. I'm from Belgium, I'm 27 years old and I'm proud to say that I've finally quit videogames. I sought out a therapist, changed my job from irregularly paying entertainer to boring administration worker and I'm now looking to improve who I am and what I do. I basically want to understand what my brain was doing to me and conquer the biggest final boss level: myself. Gaming was a detriment to my physical and mental wellbeing and it took a whole lot to change all of that. I have always been a person with big goals and big dreams and I have always been very vocal about changing everything in my life and starting anew, yadda yadda... 

I truly hope this book and this forum will bring about a tangible change for me. I have decided to (at the very least) try to improve who I am and what I do. I grew up in a hectic home, had to fend for myself for a long time. I've been truly hungry, I've moved around a lot. I have trouble forming and maintaining basic human relationships. I have a personality, due to genetics, that gets addicted easily to things. But in some weird way, I've been coping. Therapists helped a lot. And I'm more stubborn than I'm addicted, I think. So it's not all bad.

I'm just really anxious. I'm afraid this is just another one of my "time to turn over a whole new leaf and change everything"-moments. Just for once, I want to stick to it. I want to finally find something that truly fulfills me, find my spot in the world. Do something good for humanity, in some way. I finally want to feel alive and not in an artificial way like when I was playing video games. 

It just feels like there's this huge mountain ahead of me and I have no idea how to take the first step. It feels more like it's a huge steep cliff going up, inches from my face. And everybody just keeps telling you to walk forwards, because that's how you climb a mountain! Step by step! But you respond confused because it's a steep cliff, basically a wall, right in front of you. You don't walk forwards, you have to climb up. But to climb, there's pitons involved, and ropes and weird climbing belts involved. And you have to take a two-week-course to learn how to make the knots and everything. And so before I even am able to start with the whole mountain-metaphor, I've already convinced myself it's all very, very difficult. More so than others make it out to be. I know it's just my brain playing tricks on me. But seeing the mechanics behind the curtain, doesn't make their effects any less real. 

I will attempt to keep a daily(ish) journal to track my progress from boring administrative worker and recovering addict to succesful and happy human being with a fulfilling job and hobbies and friends. 

Thank you for reading :)

Edited by Phoenixking
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