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Rualani

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Detox(23)
Omega 3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, guitar, drawing
Workflow -1:00

Rough Day.
Is it because I don't understand this linear algebra.
Is it because I wasn't as prepared as I could be.
Is it the recent diet of me finishing up my ramen noodles.
Was it the potato cabbage recipe.
Was it the chips and the queso.
Is this just a cycle.
i feel ill.

Adding a new section.
Promises.
I promise not to drive to school and to use my feet or bike.





 

Edited by Rualani
Detox update.

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Hey, my name is Kenan and I’m on my 21st day of quitting.

Just one quick thing I noticed was your dreams. You seem to be dreaming of something that you desire, could be addiction or a behaviour you are missing in your life. I have few questions for you to answer for yourself that might figure out why you are dreaming the things you dream. Here goes: When you think about that dream, what are you doing with the console? Is it just the feeling of ownership? If so, what feeling does it give you to be the owner and where does it come from? Could it be that you are missing the entertainement of the gamplay such as racing or strategy, or is it the social interaction, or the challenge? Maybe you are missing that thing in your life that you are dreaming about and your mind is telling you about it in your dreams and it’s for you to figure out what so you can figure out what you could do next to overcome this need. Anyway thats how I feel about that situation concerning dreams in this particular situation, it isn’t always this way but I think it is worth to think about!

Good luck and keep going until you hit that first month and go beyond!

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6 hours ago, KMD said:

Here goes: When you think about that dream, what are you doing with the console? Is it just the feeling of ownership? If so, what feeling does it give you to be the owner and where does it come from? Could it be that you are missing the entertainement of the gamplay such as racing or strategy, or is it the social interaction, or the challenge? Maybe you are missing that thing in your life that you are dreaming about and your mind is telling you about it in your dreams and it’s for you to figure out what so you can figure out what you could do next to overcome this need.


On the Console I'm playing Splatoon and The legend of Zelda game. Both games offer two distinct important things to me. Zelda offers adventure and exploration. Splatoon offers me social shenanigans in a fun competitive realm. Plus, the mechanics of splatoon just look fun as heck.
So, social shenanigans and challenge, but in a fair and fun way. Exploration and adventure.

I think there was a good recent real world example. I was with a team in this 'escape room' where we had to locate a raspberry pi (the bomb) and dismantle it correctly. We managed to unplug and the correct pin and we celebrated! But, mainly, we had a group team hub and went our own ways.
I was thinking about it...
Do you know the last time I hugged someone who was mutually hugging me back in such enthusiasm.
I actually can't remember right now.
It's intellectually difficult to wrap my head around though. I've never conceptualized myself as a 'competitive' person. But, team challenge are really fun. It's just hard for me to figure out.

Anyways, good questions, I'll look into it
Continuing on
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Detox(24)
Omega 3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, guitar, drawing
Workflow -2:00

So, this day was, productive. Turned in an assignment. Did a really difficult test. Overall, I don't think I'm on top of things as much as I should be. I really need to double down on the hour stack and try to keep an hour flowing into each class.

The things devouring time by far are cooking. Cooking, cooking, cooking, and more cooking!
Anyways, I actually, technically haven't guitared yet so, I'm going to do that... and resume my attempt to get a development environment up and going on Ubuntu.
I'll probably learn server side stuff on centos, but for my own preference I'm going with Ubuntu.

Until I get a mac and throw it all away.
Muahaha.

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Detox(24)
Omega 3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, guitar, drawing
Workflow -FAIL

I had a ... fall today, and ended up drowning in suicidal ideation.
I've... calmed myself down, but it was harrowing.

I was dressed up and trying to attend a Halloween party...however
I ended up fleeing in shame and fear
I had many thoughts about why I was doing this.
Being that emotions are contagious I didn't have it in me
to continue this foolish quest to 'socialize'.

Temptation to game has indeed increased... I think I'll java in linux or something. Or something l....  yeah.


 

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Detox(26)
Omega 3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, guitar, drawing
Workflow: 2:00 p

It was so very difficult to focus today. I even ate a ull breakfast. It was doing... research. Sifting through articles online and trying to find the useful ones... It was horrible. I hated every aspect of it. It showed in my work as well. I'm also getting ahead so I don't have that urgency pushing me forwards. Still, I have my citations now and I just need to organize and turn them in.
Last semester of dealing with this arbitrary stuff. From here on it, only the necessary will be a part of my existence.

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Detox(29)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar
workflow: 3+

So, I've realized something. Coffee and study groups are magical. I keep forgetting how much it lifts my spirits. Also, I spent a lot of time just talking to people
Talked to study group mates for... studying and my professor dressed up as Darth Vader for astronomy.
Talked to someone who is from Hungary and had some good political insight on authoritative regimes. Oh, I need to look up an essay on 'exploitation' by George Orwell now.
Fascinating stuff really.

Anyways, back to the coffee. So. I've tried many depressant. I actually found a cure though. I know it's a cure because my roomates noted social differences when on it. I guess I became a lot more... lovey/hugable instead of all isolated/paranoic and I find that interesting. Now, Why am I bringing this up in a public forum. BECAUSE. THE COFFEE.
IT all fits. The anti-depressant that worked the best was Wellbutrin XL whose mechanism of action is by reuptaking norephinephrine and dopamine. Why is this important? Norephinephrine helps in reacting to stress in a healthy way. Dopamine deals with regulating appetite... I guess you would... I'm a bit more fuzzy on that one. ANYWAYS, Coffee... well... actually. Coffee just boosts everything!

As a side note. I, personally, believe that any dependence on drug, unless clinically necessary, is just not a good thing, which means I'm not making a habit out of this. Sorry fellow coffee drinkers but my stubbornness is just too powerful.



 

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Detox(31)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar
workflow: I played around with Centos trying to get Nodejs up and going. Was kind of a waste of time.

Okay, I'm
A. Getting a mac
B. Using windows.
I just can't keep fiddling around with what is basically an ocean of knowledge. I need to get something created and out there. The fact is, I can get everything done in windows.
The president I'm working with has apparently been working with linux and php web development for a decade. Soo, I don't think I should make it a goal to keep pace with him.
Plus, he makes instruction guides for cent os and is the one setting up the server. It's better with him leading the charge.

Next time, the club should really keep a focus on the shortest track to publishing a website with node.js as possible. All this extra stuff. Is a needless distraction and an early one at that.

Plus, I think I need to be honest. I'm NOT AT ALL interested in geeking around on programming projects for the joy of it. This is not joyful for me.
So, as far as what I've covered so far, no signs of passion have been found. But I will keep building and exploring territories while building a useful skillset.
I'm sure there were blacksmiths who held no passion for the his craft, but for his family and his life.

Still, when I can transcribe an idea into an app, an app that truly solved a problem for me. Then I will make my final decision.
Is this but the labor of a blacksmith for me? Is my passion somewhere else? Should I invest somewhere else?
 

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Just one thing I would like to point out is that 'programming' is a very very wide term. I would hate programming in php and managing a linux server too. I like AI in python, I like mobile apps, I like high-level, I like little hacky tools/extensions. It wasn't until I found python and its community that I really started to like programming. And then there is also the degree of convenience that the IDE's offer you. I LOVE jetbrain products for example, their IDE's make programming much more enjoyable, even if just for the visuals and integrable VIM hotkey scheme. Anyways, what I'm saying is that there is a big difference in what you're programming and in which language.

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@JustTom
I've heard a lot of good things about the python community. All I remember from my python class was how easy it was to solve the coding examples. They weren't any more difficult or easy than my C++ class, it just felt easier to implement the solution.

Detox(32)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar
Workflow: Another terrible day.

So, I've been wasting a lot of time, browsing articles. Agonizing over mac purchasing decisions.
Mainly though, Not keeping up on my homework.

My main goal was to keep at least an hour per class chugging along every day. Now I find myself having a really difficult time.
I really feel like I've lost a lot of focus all of a sudden. I did have a mildly depressive episode for sure... But I'm not sure that's all of it.

It's... happening again. I've been browsing gaming videos...
A hungry distractible something is moving around again. Christ, it's returning.
Time to pick up my damn bow again.

And shoot the bastard full of quivers.

So, some planning.
Waking up at 9:00 A.M. Tomorrow.
4 hours poured into school work.

We'll stick with that for now. The trackables are always there for me, but I need to keep the central backbone of my system up and running.

 

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Detox(32)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar
2 Poms

Alright, tracking poms instead of hours. I tried this a couple years ago and I think it might be a better idea. It's much easier to sneak in that one pom, rather than an hour
Recommendation of the day is Zenpen.io . Somehow mines filled with words after setting it to my home page and I'm still not sure how this happened.

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Detox(38)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar
Time: 3:37                 It turns out my pomodoro app tells me the time, so I'll stick to that.

I've noticed a trend. When I do a good job, with homework. I typically lose out on three of my 6 anti-depressant activities. This is a rather critical weakness. I've already stated all the obvious answers to this problem so I'm at a bit of a loss to the problem.

Also, I'm trying out the keto diet for the month.
Hunger is less of an issue.
Headaches and the overall feeling that my lifespan is shortening.
Still, Hunger is less of an issue.
I'm thinking I can stick to this diet, but It's mandatory that I cook. It already king of was, but I could cheat and it was no biggie. If I cheat now, the ketosis process will be interupted.
Thought, I still can't figure out if ketosis would happen anyone when it ran out of carbs? Right?
Anyways, I love heavy cream.
Like, seriously, Id be that weirdo who would order it at the bar and chug it down.
It's fucking delicious.

Purchasing madness. So, I also wasted my time and got on the wrong track obsessing about getting a new mac. I don't really know how this happened. It befuddles me.
So far, I mainly use windows for my school work, then I switch to Ubuntu to learn programming. I'm still conflicted as I think the command lines tools in Ubuntu are what I want. Thought, I think my conceptualization has improved and now I understand that, that kind of knowledge is most beneficial for systemadmin/it/networking type labor. And I don't think that's the direction I'm heading, even though Mr. Robot on Amazon makes it looks cool. This is why I wanted a Mac in the first place. I want a main system that's optimized and completely comfortable with all the proprietary software (adobe, I'm looking at you), as well as having command line tools that are similar to linux. Right now, that equivalently the same as switching between windows for creative and front end exploration and Ubuntu  for command line knowledge.

My best counter to this obsession seems to be gift shopping for my family for Christmas. I'm definitely liking the stuff at Etsy. I'll probably get one family the "exploding kittens" card game since they love their cats a little too much. Some kitten explosions will be good for them.

It does seem that understanding how files are organized to be a bigger issue. On another note, I'll be learning a lot more about this stuff next semester. Will be hitting up Design Patterns in Software development so I'm willing to bet that 300 level class will give me a great start. I'm hoping. Anyways.

Can I just complain about all the credits for classes unrelated to computer science I've taken. Like, I'd say I've become an extreme critic of the "breadth" argument from the college experience. Maybe it's the application. Meh, anyways.
 

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Detox(39)
Omega3, Sleep, Vitamin D, Exercise, Social, Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, NoJunk, Guitar, journaling
Time: 1:00

Today I worked out with two people who visit from Kentucky. They had warmth to them, but my inability to remember a name. My inability to recipricate their warmth... concerns me...
This has happened a lot... My inability to look people in the eye. To be at peace with that form of communication, nonverbal. It concerns me.

I've been cold for too long. They always show up on the weekend... So
Every weekend I will see them. I will work out.
Every morning I will start out with pushups and sit-ups.
That feels like the correct next step.

And for fucks sake I need to stop watching Mr. Robot.
It's so fucking good.

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Detox(41)
Omega3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
Nofap, Meditation, Nojunk, Guitar, Journaling 
time: 1:00

Bad start today, ended up skipping a class to sleep. 
Third day keto diet so maybe the flu has already hit.

After the weight is lost, I'm doing a balance (1/3 carbs | 1/3 protein | 1/3 fat). 
If I fail the keto thing I'll probably just switch to that. Making budget recipes and keeping everything in balance. That seems reasonable.
 Going from these brief three days, I do think that I was neglecting fat in prior diets. Probably why previous dietary lifestyles failed.
For example, I did vegan for roughly 6 months and the break was a PEPPERONI PIZZA.
SIX MONTHS
PEPPERONI PIZZA

Oh no

Now I need a pepperoni pizza
What have I done.



 

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Detox(43)
Omega 3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
Nofap | Meditation | Nojunk | Guitar | Journaling
Time: 0:00Well, the keto flu is getting worse. I crashed at 5 p and slept till 8 p today. Woke up feeling completely refreshed though. It's a shame that the construction area next door emits this annoying noise constantly. That's the price for really low rent. 

I've been doing personal journaling on the side to try and get a grip and constant theme of creating music / art whilst pursuing a median income from computer science keeps coming up. It's gotten more clear actually.



 

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1 hour ago, Rualani said:

I've been doing personal journaling on the side to try and get a grip and constant theme of creating music / art whilst pursuing a median income from computer science keeps coming up. It's gotten more clear actually.

I fantasize about doing this exact thing. I wonder if there's people doing it regularly?

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@JustTom Honestly, I hope that's the case. With the sheer ratio of people working jobs that don't really light their minds up, a ton of them probably pursue art on the sides. Well, finding your passion is all about splashing around in different acts of creation sharpening your skills.

Detox(44)
Omega 3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
Nofap | Meditation | Nojunk | Guitar | Journaling
Time: 3:50

So, I had a pretty decent start today. I mean, I sort of skipped 30 minutes like I always do. That's about how long it takes to boot. But I got di.fm opened on my phone and started showering. It was intense. I was super clean and done in 5 minutes. Got my pushups and situps in. Really hit Geology hard today... And then at 6 I go on my shopping journey for food. Now it's 10:30, I watched the pirate of silicon valley for some stupid reason, and I just want to at least get an hour of node.js in. THAT'S ALL. *sobs*

Seriously, watching a movie about programmers instead of programming. That's really sinister brain. Don't do that.

All the time I put into cooking and meal preparation just keep on pissing me off. Transition time to the store, buying food, walking around the store awkwardly and alone. 
So, I'm getting my next meals planned out and ordered BEFORE I even cook all my current meals. I'm going strong with optimization. GOALS!

 

Edited by Rualani
Updating that detox counter

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Detox(46)
Omega 3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
No Nut | Meditation | Nojunk | Guitar | Journaling 
Time: 4:00

Talked with someone a bit today. She's pretty cool, but she really needed to study. I'm being kind of careful and keeping everything within a friend zone. See, my masterplan is to friend zone the world. The world WON'T SEE THAT COMING. HAH
Thanks to the study session I got a bit done today. My time is lower than it should be since I have to manually set the timer every time. I probably missed an hour.
I do miss gaming a bit. I really want to try harder for the Nut November. I know it's already too late for me but it's the spirit of the thing.
The main reason I want to do this... is because I'm not winning. By choosing to nut, I'm telling my body that it has won. BUT IT HASN'T. 
Lies are dangerous.

So, yeah, today was reasonably productive. I went out to eat, so that wen't sour. I think I'm going to try and do some programming before bed time hits. Not going to track times after a journal recording. That might get complicated.

Finally, I'm so goddamn happy the new RWBY volume is out. It turns out my Club Presidenct watches it too, so we have been watching it together over the weekends. He always drives over to the campus when I ask him about it so I guess it's our thing. It's a bit weird for me since I'm the one making the social arrangements. To be honest, I should just get used to it. I feel like this life would be easier if I just become more socially aggressive and try to make things happen.

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Detox(48)
Omega 3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
No nut(1)  | Create | Journal
time: 1:00
FOCUS: Exercise

Simplifying secondary ruleset. Adding focus mechanism. 
Tracking is good, but FOCUS will put the impetus on me to IMPROVE something.
Also, data tracking?  Could also track moods and put data together. 
If I could track nutrition too... HMMM
That would be very interesting.

Oh, I didn't nut for a day. IT'S JUST A DAY, BUT I DID IT. 
YOU PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS. I'm an addict. I don't even use images. I don't even use porn. MY BRAIN MANUFACTURES ALL OF It. 
SO, here's the algorithm that may lead to success

Sleep algorithm.
Melatonin consumed before bed, blue blocking shades before bed, Earplugs in, Finish journaling, Turn on fan, read some psycho-emotional babbling about tortured childhoods, put on blinders, sleep.
With pants on. 
Fuck maybe I should buy a chastity belt... Well a no nut belt. 
A nutty belt.

Okay I'm done.

 

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**HOLIDAY** NO TRACK

Some thoughts inspired by wine, and a lot of food. Like, way too much food. Anyways, I had a rather dramatically emotionally journal entry that is heavily related to the purpose behind this forum journal. And, my body is dealing with a lot of drama too. Carbs really rocking the place hard. Ugh. So hard.. *dies*

I had just been trying to track down a though, vision, I had while at the thanksgiving family get together and found it.

I had just been told of the wonders of the World of Wacraft content. New and DIFFERENT raids for each faction. Never before in the history of WoW had this been done. NO, I must not distract, I must finish this thought And Jaina Proudmoore was going to be a raid boss. I walked off at some point, the vision sank in. In it, I was so desperately sad. Somehow, I have made myself invisible at the party. I am thinking about how fun it would be… but much more than that… Something has sunk in. An inevitability. I know that path only leads to hurt and I am hurting. An image of a female lies before me. Her image coalesces more firmly into someone I had met before. Firmly, she tells me that yes, I am hurting. No, I am not crazy for this pain. It is not simple or meaningless to suffer so much for a simple choice. That my choice to not game, is just some stupid vapid illusion. No, it was real. She gave me strength, benediction. It was real. It mattered. An echo of the possible emotional intimacy with the opposing gender. Was it lit up by libido? Or… was it simply a desperation. A hungering for what she told me.

I left that party. I chose not to stay. I will meet up the next day and do more things with the family. But my sleep, and my waking are my own. No one elses. I will not allow games to lure me to slumber. And no matter how many times I wake up groggily, no matter how many times my sun doesn’t rise. Every, single, goddamned, fucking, day. I will fight. I will await it’s rise.

It’s not meaningless.

 





 

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Detox(51)
Omega 3 | Sleep | Vitamin D | Exercise | Social | Engagement
No nut(0), Create, Journal
Time: 0:00

Well, I've passed the halfway point for the detox, woot.
Congratz?


 

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Detox(0)
Alright, so I'm in threat.
I somehow managed to play overwatch on my potato labtop.
And, I talked and played with someone I haven't in years.

Jesus, it all transpires so fast. I also, skipped two classes and I'm wondering if I shouldn't just request a deletion to this thread.
 
Hard Timez.

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