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Detox[78] Food[0] Hour track[0]

I have a bit of a confession to make. Whenever I go to a forum I try to stay on track but the transient interactions that occur come to occupy my time. Soon my mind begins to obsess over what should be changed or said to make the forum post more... appealing.
This tempted me early on, however this format is different.

While on other forums it can seem like each comment, each thoughts, each topic leads to nexus of social interaction of varying degrees, this forum journey of mine is nothing like that. 

This forum
is a march.

A slow arduous march that seemingly goes on forever. Darkness is all around and tiny lights flicker. Quitting gaming is like Playing Dark Souls.
The road opens up to me and all else falls to the side. It adds to and even makes the journey, but these thoughts are neither the beginning nor the end.

The beginning was a choice to detox.
The end is to be clean.
The end is neverending. The end is eternal.

I can't believe I found something eternal.
A mere sacrifice.

 

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Detox[81] Food[1] Hour Track[0]

Alright, Disregard the last post.
I'm so sorry lol, I have to post early today to calm myself down.

So the World of Warcraft expansion is getting closer and I'm getting slightly crazy. Like I'm seeing the cinematic cutscenes, and I absolutely love the beginning of the new expansions when everything is new. Doing dungeons the first time. Messing around. That's the best part of a game.
ANd, I wouldn't raid or anything, I would just experience the new content and go my own way.

hahahhaha.

Also, I found a roomate and the chance of finding my own place is increasing in possibility so yay. Anyways, I'm visiting family now and getting away from my computer because I don't trust myself right now and I'm losing my hold. With the soft detox goal and expansion coming near I'm just draining out willpower.

I'm reading other threads and you guys are doing great and re-experiencing thigns that I have never intially experienced.
Good for you.

But you gotta understand.
I don't and have never had jack shit going on.

Romantic opportunities.
Friendship opportunities.
I wouldn't have the experience to tell you what those even are. And I'm 30.

So yeah. hurting real bad and escaping right now.
It's cause I was watching those animate my life youtube videos. That's what it was. It's got something painful moving in me.

I need to meditate or medicate or something shit.
Going mad. Going mad.
Need out. Need out.
Make it stop.

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Detox[Unknown]

Well, It's 11:00 A.M.
I'm starring at the blizzard downloader... just staring.
They have a google and Facebook login button now too. That's neat... I always liked those.

sighs

A part of me is just... putting distance between the desire and the choice... Extending the distance as long as possible before I cave in. That's what I'm doing right now.
So, here's my stream of thought, right in the middle of a possibility.
I was listening to Jordan Peterson speak about strength. Blaring some kind of electronic music in another tab.


I don't want to do this.
I want to do this so much.

Part of me wants to tear up. It's so bad.
I should be concerned even though I came so far.
Most of me... does not care. 81 days. What does it even mean.
That's the problem with these sorts of things.

It's impossible to gauge my own progress.
Cause I'm always dancing to the next step.

What was it I needed.
I need to move out, I even have a possible roomate I'm talking to.
It woudl be nice, if me and thsi random guy found an apartment.
If we went to school and succeeded. It would be nice.

Oh, I'm crying. Why am I crying.
I don't even have to look at the screen to type out the words.

keyboards are amazing. I never realized how much pain there was.
It's endless. But, I'll keep holding. Stopping myself from this final choice.
And keep typing. It's all I know to do. Holding it in. Before I cave in.

I'm closing the downloader now. Finding the file.
Deleting the file. Alright. It's gone. This too shall pass.
I closed the door. It makes it easier to make the decision.
That tells me something. What's outside the door is a problem.

I need to move out. Negative emotional energy.
IS that the word. Alright... Slowing down
Coming together.

Hourly stack. Grabbing an hour in discrete math.
Maybe I'll watch a stupid equestria girls movie.
I can't even feel ashamed. Those people who would hate me.
Would be okay with me gaming.

The whole universe is upside down.
Slowing down. Slowing down.
coming together.

I promised I would cal these apartments and apply.
Much of me doesn't believe this choice will lead to anything.
I must next step. I must next step.

School, Moving, Independence.

Sacrifice.

Slowing Down. Slowing Down.
coming together.

Detox[82]

 

Edited by Rualani

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Detox[83]
Umghlghdlkjagdshf;j

only a 12 hour work day and I'm succumbing to sugar addictions really fast.
Watched Terry Crews talk about discipline.
Rule #1: Remove the Temptation.

Fuck I need to move out now. I need to go somewhere where there's no soda.

Welp, w/e Tomorrow I'm going to get these paystubs printed out and hopefully persuade the landlord to allow me and this random dude to rent. He has much better pay stubs so maybe he can carry me T.T

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Detox[85]

5 more days no computer gaming. 5 MORE DAYS.
I'm moving all tracking systems to notecards.
Perhaps I'll move it to Habitica. I'm not sure.

Family visiting so distractions whew.

My grip is weakening though.
How easy would it be to just abandon this project
and jump into the WoW expansion.
How easy would it be to do what I've always done.

So tragically easy.
Self mutilation is so easy.
It happens without thought.

I think that's the problem.




 

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So, I'm ending this journey now.

I managed to get a place to rent and just signed the contract.
So, yeah, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.

I will leave one bit of advice.
It's an absolute necessity to find something to replace the gaming habit.
The word necessity implies that without that something, than the gaming habit will return.
I am a true believe in that. Anyways, I'm going in moderation and My heads cleared.

I

 

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Detox[0]

Relapse

So that's what a relapse is. I have returned and am currently uninstalling all gaming and media applications from my computer.
How fast was I slipping back into these old habits. How fast was everything unwinding.
I was just talking to friends on Discord. Heh, the hope of re-establishing bonds.

No home to return to
But, I can't do it again. It's over. I can't be a gamer.

When I was relapsing. I realized how important these journals have been for me. Continuously tracking those details for depression. Tracking gaming progress. It all made me feel like i was actually improving things. That no matter what, there was something I could control and improve on. The day to day experience made those feeling a reality.
Now they have begun to settle into daydreams once again. Settling into vain hopes and expectations.

I think when I was young, this is how I began to fall. Things slowly degrading from hopes, to goals , to dreams, to shadows, to sickness, to distraction.
With this detox I had made goals and was following them. I was living out my CHOICES.

I kept telling myself that playing WoW didn't change anything. Oh how I was wrong. I could feel the power of CHOICE fading. The power of my own JUDGEMENTS failing.

Cutting bonds
There's another major problem as well. All through most of my life, I've desired to cut off bonds. To isolate and get away. Most would interpret these as signs of depression and warn me to not do this. I view the situation...differently. The truth is, most of the people I'm connected to have been ensnared by addictions and temptations that I'm seeking to avoid. And the frank truth of it is, I won't be able to live a strong and free life, unless I remove the temptations point blank. In the end, I am only running and cutting others away from me. But now I know that it MUST be done. That it is my CHOICE to do so. In the end it will hurt people, but the most I can do for anyone is to make sure I GROW and BENEFIT from this cutting of the flesh. It's like in Boy Scouts. If you kill something, you have to make use of all of it. To leave a piece of an animal unused is to disrespect death itself.

Right now, I've actually found my own place to rent using my own negotiation skills. I'm working a job that I CHOSE to work even when I didn't have to. It's not pretty, the living situation is chaotic. The job is just a measly gas station. But still. I chose.

What I know
I... know so much. Too much. Just from looking up everything online. So much knowledge. But no power. WHY?
Because I don't use it. It's that simple really. So I need discipline. I need to act on the knowledge despite my own instincts.
I cannot afford to be trapped by these routines that don't reflect what I've learned.
The life I'm living should reflect
What I know.

 

So now what

Simply begin again.






 

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Detox-1

I've been wavering, back and forth between the sweet oblivion of a lifetime of habit and the agony of my day to day existence.
However, this ends today. Yesterday at the therapist office I uninstalled the games right in front of him. Now i have a witness.

I was... remembering what it was like when I was 18, sitting in the back of a lecture room with my first attempt at going to college. You know what I was doing in the back of the lecture hall. Playing world of warcraft. There are no words to describe how withered away my soul was or how needy I was for... distraction...for destruction...
I cannot let this play out again. I feel as though I am at a crossroads. A desperate point. I live with my own room now, negotiated by me. I have to cook my own food. I have to build my own social network. I have nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, with which to lean on. Now I can choose how my story ends. I have set it up this way, for If I make the same mistake again. I'd rather not survive such a transgression against nature. A transgression against the piece of me that desperately, desperately, warns me, against the tragic ending that will be my life.

I must give everything to change the story, for it may already be too late. This is the truth.
This is why gaming must be sacrificed.
This is not a story of hope or redemption.
This is a story about pain. Why I must listen.

Depression Goals
(social exercise engagement    sunlight omega-3 sleep)
See the S.O.S
SEE SOS

see SoS means I slept and I got sunlight
There we go.

 

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Detox - 7
It feels so good to be away from gaming again.
It just devours time so much and always lingers in the back of the mind.
Also, I'm moved out and in my own place! Perfect!

This couldn't have gone any better really. As long as I keep trying and stay away from the games.

I feel things going in a better direction and that's thanks to getting gaming out of my head.
When I was wavering between detox's and playing World of Warcraft I would try and convince myself
that I could play only at certain times.
Normally... that would work, but now I've tasted what it's like to live without gaming,
I know how futile of an approach that is.
It's simply impossible to describe how much the mind dedicates itself to games,
changing my own psychology in ways that I can't even see, but can feel.

When I game, even though I think the stories are so fantastic, I can feel something horrible. I can feel what I am
draining into the games. Into the world. It's like I'm taking a piece of myself and rejecting it. Letting it wander
in this magical world... far away from me.
It's got to come back home. And I can only do that if I'm facing all the horrible and beautiful things about myself.

I just can't do that as long as I'm thinking about how epic the Azshara Warbringers animation was. I just can't.

For now, this journal is a more general view of my thoughts towards my detox experience. I'm tracking all other life improvements outside.
Sunlight helps though. It really does. I guess we're kind of solar-powered aren't we?
Or perhaps nature just makes use of any energy it can get its hands on. Who knows.

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Detox -10

-Negatives (I always start negative so I'm going to try and balance this)

-This day started out pretty low, due to lack of good sleep, shit food snacking, and an overall mood.
-I spent time looking at the darker sides of reddit which I never do.
-I do not advise social media... ever
-Low productivity. Pretty Dangerous, considering how busy I am. I need to make sure I'm always claiming hours on hour stack.

-Positives
-Cleaned room some more.
-Got my chefs knife
-Bought some food from kroger and planned for... A recipe. Still the recipe is a whole lot better than fast food soooo, victory!
-I'm still journaling here even though the day was so crappy.
-I went ROCK CLIMBING at a gym today! I decided to join the climbing club. It's obvious I stick out like  a sore thumb and I'm definitely being judged based on looks and mate potential which is really shit. I've decided to focus on the improvements and making friendly connections though! I really need to build a social base before I bury myself in mate potential obsession. That was leads to the dark side.

-CONCLUSION: I was able to use my one free day to build some solid ground

-Future excitement

Tomorrow I'll be heading to the Pokemon club now. I'm not sure about it cause they play Pokemon Go... which is gamelike BUT they're main game is the Trading Cards which ARE NOT video games. So yay. It counts.

IF this week goes well I'll have taken my first steps into three social possibilities.
Applied Computing Club - Career based connections
Climbing Club - Physical based connections, probably a lot more tinder and looks obsession on this side. I gotta learn to deal with competition though! Rawr.
Pokemon Trading Card Club - Speaks for itself. My old roots, something to be familiar with.

Almost all the social context are covered. Physical, financial, and mental. Woot. It's missing spiritual/adventure/wander though. Eh, one step at a time.
As long as I STICK to it and remain consistent good things may happen.


 

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Detox - 11

-Negatives
--
feeling depressed as fuck right now. I tried going to a Pokemon league meeting to see if I can get alone but honestly... It's just like Jordan Peterson said. You can't go back. The old world is dead.

_Positives
--I... went to work and got paid?
-- I got bed sheets and the air filter now, Hopefully I won't mouth breathe when I sleep. Dry mouth and bad breath in the morning is not pleasant.

-conclusion?
--Well, I know two of the clubs are pretty solid. I don't think I can afford the Pokemon club to be honest. I can't game which is 2/3 of it and the Trading Card Game would just bee too expensive... I just... can't go back... Shit, I was getting into Pokemon in Junior High School. Holy Fuck.
Holy fucking shit.
Times expired.
Game over.
Regret.

 

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Detox - 0

Welp, fell into a pokemon game. I think I've already blown 8 hours into it today.
Pokemon. Fucking Pokemon.
AGh.
Seeing the game from these older eyes is so different now.

Like... seeing how everything is all cute and smiley, I can't help but think
about what a pathetic shadow of the real thing is. But I can see why it is so alluring,
especially when the real thing is so scarce.

Anyways. I guess I've come crawling back. I'm hatching a plan in the back of my mind
to sell the system and all the pokemon TCG cards I just ALSO bought as well. Hell,
I'll probably sell it at the pokemon league. I'm sure people will gladly take it all off my hands for 50 bucks easy.

*sigh*

Goddamnit this is hard.

THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD.
UNBELIEVABLY HARD.

The only thing I know to do... is to simply begin again. I'll post again when this system is far away from me.
What's sad is... I feel like I can only say this with clarity because the urge has been satisfied.

The me that's played games recently and the me that's been without for a long time... are two very different people.
I think it's a kind of curse.
When I have games I'm more socially withdrawn but more... psychologically stable... it feels like. Less painful but more repressed.

I also can't tell how much is just a habit or wiring in my brain walked too many times and how much is a psychological dependence do
to social isolation and pain.

What really sucks most is that I'm going to have to leave the pokemon club. I really wanted to stay consistent but I literally cannot
even brush up against the triggers for this addiction.

I feel... damaged in some profound way. I walk through life seeing these people able to balance their lives with games but I know
that I simply cannot balance it. If someone yelled at me and just told me to discipline and willpower up... I think I would just stare
at them.
"You don't even know, do you?"
I might ask.

Anyways, I'm glad this anchor of a forum exist. As per usual.
I'm trying to make progress but the more I try and open myself up the more the pain just spills in.

I'm like a cavern, filled up with internet and gaming. I shovel out a bit, and an infinite supply of pain seems to fill the space.
Maybe it's because games and internet just don't have that much density. So while all these games don't weight this much,
The social pain weighs so much more.

I'm hoping one day I can fill it with something that isn't so dark and dense. I don't know what it is.
I could say something like, love, or connection,, or good habits, but the thing has become so tied down
to what's actually possible to me.
What is the point in conceptualizing the impossible. That's what it feels like anyways.
Really, if speculation is tied down by what I feel is possible in reality. There's not a whole
lot out there.

Maybe that's the problem.

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It's going to be okay. Noone said quitting games was going to be easy. If it were, this forum wouldn't exist, and Respawn wouldn't sell for 99 bucks a pop. Quitting something so familiar that you've depended upon for so long is hard, and it's okay to struggle with it. You never really fail until you give up on quitting for good.

2e037d3a7d39d03c409131655335cfd4.png.858eecc90bc13092f9b769ae114d09b2.png

You talk about how your life seems to be filled with pain once you start with these detoxes. I think that's normal--after all, gaming is an escape right? One of the greatest benefits of these detoxes is that once gaming is off the table, all your real problems start to surface. Depression and loneliness. Boredom. It's not that the detox is causing you to feel these things; rather, these are things that have always been there. You've just been using gaming to keep yourself from fully acknowledging them.

These are the real things that you need to fix in order to truly improve your life. Making the decision to quit gaming is just the first step along that journey.

I'm very new here so maybe it's not in my place to give advice, but I would really recommend that you stop counting days, and instead focus on achieving a long-term goal. I don't know where the concept of a 90-day detox comes from, but I've read enough journals to know that making it to 90 days is by no means enough to ensure that someone will never go back to gaming again. It also doesn't guarantee that your quality of life will really improve--if I stop gaming for 90 days and watch anime with that time instead, have I really changed anything? With that in mind, I think you should reframe your journal going forward. Perhaps consider it a "Journal to beat Depression" or a "Journey to a happier you." And not simply a 90-day detox diary.

My other and final piece of advice would be to post daily. I know it's a pain in the ass to do sometimes, but I find that daily posts really help me to remind myself that I'm on a personal journey of self-improvement. On days where I get lazy and don't post, I find that I lose sight of my end goal and do stupid things, like binge Netflix/anime. Those are also the days where my relapse urges are strongest. So I'd advise writing something, even if it's just a sentence or two.

Best of luck with your personal adventure. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

Best, 

William

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First off, thanks to Deku for pointing me to Iida's encouragement on the matter. I do truly think it's the case that our strength lies in our ability to try again.
0

I was looking at earlier posts and I've decided to pick up the habit tracking again. Just the 6 depression habits again.
Also, marking this as a daily in Habitica. So I get points for reviewing this day by day. Rebinding this to the daily journaling
aaaand here we go again.


*Sunlight*
Ehhh, kind of low.
*Social Support*
Pretty bad
*No negative Rumination*
Bad
*Omega 3 supplements*
ba... Wait, taking one now...
Good...
*Exercise*
uhm nah.
*Sleep Hygiene*
Nope.

Hey it's a start.

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0


Omega 3 supplements - o.O, grabs on and eats it right now. Check, one point!
Sleep Hygiene -  weekends wrecking havoc due to swinging sleep schedule. I turned in my two week notice so I only have 3 weekend work days left. I'll stabilize sleep with a 8am awake plan after this face. Consistent sleep schedule is an important pillar
Exercise - I met some random dude and talked to him about politics and religion. And it was all right. He's of a complete different religion as well. This will be interesting. Going to see if I can sneak into his life as a gym buddy. Looks like we're due for a storm of chaos. Huehuehue
Ruminations - Well geez, NOW I AM
Social Support - Friendship is magic... but not today. /sadface
Sunlight - does the gentle flicker of my monitor count?

FINAL BREAKDOWN
2/6       
"Is it good I didn't think about anything today"

Thoughts
Well, I'm starting to feel a bit more stable, but pokemon is still here... hrmm, would nuzlocke running it and destroying the 3ds when I die be an optimal solution. Geez, I don't know, but the thought of not at least running through this game feels heartbreaking to me. *Sighs*

Social thingies
I didn't wall climb this week omg what a fail. I told the club I'd start up after my weekends were free again. BUT CONSISTENCY NYEEEGH

Reflections
Okay, maybe I'll start up the meditation habit again. I think it was important. Hmm.

Creative thingies.
Ableton live or doodling things. Ableton live or doodling things. Red pill or blue pill. DREAMING OR WAKING. WHAT DO I CHOOSE.


 

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0

Omega 3 - 1
Sleep Hygiene - 0
Ruminatinon - 0
Exercise - 0
Sunlight - 0
Social Support - 0

Rank
1.0
"As long as the fish is sacrificed, all will be well."

Welp, apparently, this is a career fair week and I'm a little blown away by all the things are happening. Can't seem to find my grounding in the madness. Anyways, I made instant pot split pea soup and it was filling had there was much of it. So now I have something to fill me up. It looks like lentils are a pretty stabilizing source to eat. Maybe eggs, some salad, peanut butter and fruits, plus a rich dish like that will keep me balanced. Throw in a vegetable side and boom. Optimization. This all can only happen given a rich stabilizing dish in the day though. I mean, I take the lentil soup away, and I'd probably end up going to Qdoba. So it looks like lentils are going to be my tool to stop the fast fooding. En Guard, Taco Bell.

This pokemon game is a menace though. Thankfully the boredom is already returning. Now that I've got a glimmer of something different I might be able to get rid of it. Oh well, next Pokemon league meeting is almost here. I'll get rid of it there. Hell, I might just donate it. I'll offer it up for $50 dollars and strike a bargain. Then once that fails I'll donate it in desperation. Yeahhh, that will work.

I managed to create a journaling style for my google drive stash so now I can journal more naturally. Organizaiton is usually a pain, but randomly I'll have an insight and know exactly how something should be organized. It's a miracle really.

 

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Hey man,

I've read some of your journal entries and saw you relapsed and keep getting back on the train which is awesome! Perseverance is truly the key to everything in life! I want to help keep you accountable. I know you want to stop playing games, but what are your current goals exactly and what are you doing each day to reach them? You wanna go to the gym more, so whats the week planned for exercise? what days you going to the gym and what exercises you going to do? For social support whats planned? Are you going to any events? Have you checked out whats going on in your area? Don't need to write them down here , but just somewhere. I myself have some trouble planning things which is the big problem that leads me to game. If i am not planning on doing anything then I end up gaming and I end up gaming since i don't plan anything,

Edited by MikeRuns

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@MikeRuns
Yeah, organizing is a pain. Currently I'm trying to get my GTD system under control. (Getting Things Done, based on popular book by David Allen) A big component of the GTD methodology is acknowledging that a LOT of time simply goes into the planning of a single task. Like the questions you are asking about the gym.

Here's a rough map.
image.thumb.png.28cdb83c045f59a49b4e78521076b999.png

Steps 02, 04, and 05 are giving me issue. I don't reflect on the system as much as I should. Why would I engage when I can play Pokemon (not anymore, that comes later in this post). And my 02 step is filled with incubation. Which, I think I'm trying to cheat and just say I'm incubating it. Maybe the key is to forcefully poke all my incubators and demand results. Bah, researchers, always goofing around.

Now I talk about how the day went and goals and the normal stuff
Stomach pain, ouch, so much stomach pain. I think tuna and ramen is a bad strategy. Feeling terrible all day :<. I worked and I TRAINED someone today. So, after this weekend I will be replace and I will be among the few of the elite speedyway employees who are actually rehirable. Bwahahahaha.

That one list
Sunlight is weak
Social is catastrophized
Sleep is terrible (Tuna, stomach sick, the crime rate and neighborehood is unsafe, blue light, Uwahhhh)
Thinking about terrible things isn't too bad. It's hard to tell when I'm drowning myself in agony or just facing the tough problems and solving them.
Fish stuff is okay but I'm sick from the Tuna. NOW that I think about it I have this odd problem where if I try to stay on Omega 3 fish oil supplements I'll eventually get a sore -stomach every morning AND start to masticate heavily for no reason. Like, I'm a poison type human and am preparing to spray acid all over everyone.
Exercise? Does it even happen?

Also, the sacrifice has BEEN MADE AGAIN. I donated my Pokemon Cards, Game, and 2ds to the pokemon league. I do hope it brings someone happiness but... Let's be real here. It's hard to sympathize with such a thought nowadays.

So, just need to finish this last work day. Keep cooking. Maintain AcClub and climbing club relationships. Network more and more. I need to be more concerned with making those one on one connections. There are opportunities but I'm starting to think it's not a fail because I'm mister old and socially terrible. It's because everyone afraid to reach out including me. I can't be afraid anymore. I need to understand the signs of rejections and understand when to try for it.

Status does indeed factor in... but... Fuck it. I'm not a prisoner to status and I refuse to allow others to imprison. I'll stand up straight up no matter how many looks of disgust people throw my way. My own critic is far more harsh and accurate anyways.

Interpreting everything as rejections is just lazy and an insult to those who reach out to me. How many offering hands... have I slapped away in anguish. "You're out to mock me" "Need something worse to make yourself look better" "Dominating me for your own self"

These threats all do indeed exist. But... I have to know where they are. Fearing everything doesn't work. Running away don't work. I need to stand up straight and look the potential square in the eyes. I need to ask. "Are you a friend" "Are you an enemy" "Are you lonely too" "Who are you"

So, who am I. Who are you?
I like Starset and Three Days Grace.
Incubus - the warmth is a great song

Yes I played a lot of games.
I've watched a lot of anime since High School.
I found hope that I could have faith in humanity in friendship from a childrens show.
I enjoy reading Jung.
Maybe I philosophizer life a little too much.

I'm not afraid to talk deep.
Politics and Religion does not scare me.
I'm afraid of the light and easy conversation.
Smiles and laughter scare me.
I can't tell, if they are laughing at me.
The crowd is what terrifies me.

I'm worried my depressive nature ruins whatever attempts I make at connecting.
I feel like I'll ahve to do something "creative" if I want out of this box.
I want to connect freely.
I want to be able to talk about what interest me
without disrupting someone elses good vibes.

Being human is hard and scares me.
I will be thankful if I succeed.
I will be resentful when I fail.
I'm... just a human aren't I?
I'm a person damn it.

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Final work day today.

Goals were just the kinda suck so no reason to mention.
Well, this is another big change though. I let go of my source of revenue.
I have a set amount. And I have to make it count.
Gaming is gone again.

So, a bold new future awaits.
Hopefully. For now I just need to get past the stomach pain.
Bleghhh.

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Sunlight + Movement (2/6)
Rank
"I feel a bit warmer"


No more work, No more work.
Yay.

I cooked some honey chicken with ginger today and some rice to deal with my stomach.
I heard that ginger helps and chicken/rice is pretty inoffensive to the gut.
I guess eating lentils is hard mode?

I need to find a giant bowl that I can put a lid on to protect my salad though.
Giant salads are important. LIKE I CRAVE A SALAD. I might finish it up after this.
Gah, I have no way to protect it though. AND MY HOUSE IF FULL OF LIFE.
LIFE THAT'LL EAT ME AND EVERYTHING I EAT.

It's frustrating. Also, there was a spider on my belly when I got out of the shower last morning.
Fucker was huge.
I was so incredible shocked and flicked him off. He survived and walked away.
I hope this doesn't means he stops eating the insects eating me.

You know, having a house, that is so shambly that extermination efforts are pointless,
is an interesting experience.

Had some pretty heavy lows this weekend too. The internship week left me exhausted and
I don't feel at all hopeful about my prospects. The hope comes in the next steps that I know
I need to walk.

Gtd management was good today, and I now have an external tracking system for my depressive habits.
I'll go ahead and just rank it at the top.

Also, I actually exercised today! It was only 10 pushups but OMG I did it.
On that note I think I'll start doing pushups everyday, just to keep movement momentum
up. IF, I can knock out the movement part of my anti-depression toolkit every day that
will be huge.

Maybe I'll develop the courage to go shirtless and optimize sunlight generation.
Seriously, the fear of showing untoned flesh is so dangerous to our population.
If you're out of shape, sunlight is even more important, so the people in most need
deprive themselves even more.

Sadly, I've acknowledged that this is how life usually works. When you rise up, everything else
rises up with you. And when you fall down, everything else seems to fall down.

Life can snowball out of control in both directions. It's frustratingly unfair.
C'mon mother nature, could you be less of a jerk!

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Detox - 4
Sleep,Omega,Move,Sunlight
Rank(4/6):  Nice job!
2:15 Hour Stack

Social and Anti-Rumination activites still evade me.
It's also a fact that I don't have anything I enjoy doing on the cheap.
The wall climbing thing is promising, but it is so niche and pricey as to be entertainment.
That won't do. I need something creative. Gah, it's so difficult to figure out.

Also, my classes are doing extraordinarily well. I'm off to a great start. That's good. Both Discrete Math and Linear algebra were high A's on their test.
Astronomy was a brutally bad though. That class has a low standard so even if I fail to study properly I'll probably get a B
Geology is also in the A range. So far that's roughly a 3.6-3.75 GPA. I should keep that up.

I managed to record 2.15 study time on top of everything else today so that's cool.

Cooking takes a bit of time. I returned home to cook.
I think I need to start planning times of eating to get through these days. I think a lot of time gets wasted thinking about food or planning ways to food. Much of this happens unconsciously. The reason this is such an issue is that food industries are good at programming that automated part of me. I can't just depend on hunter-gatherer instincts to meet these needs anymore.
Finally, I need to figure out of this split-pea soup was the issue. I want to finish eating it but goddamn does it feel risky. The ginger honey chicken and rice didn't fuck up my stomach. It pisses me off really, because I eventually want to become vegan. But survival first I'm afraid.
Sorry chickens.

It looks like my biggest challenge is getting away from consumption and getting into creation.
I'm not surprised, and I think it's a large reason my soul is so withered.


Overall, my stability still feels pretty weak. I haven't made as much headaway on internships and I'm still consuming as a form of distraction.
Without social anchors it's very easy to deteriorate.




 

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Detox - 5

Uhm, posting for yesterday.

Detox - 4
Sleep,Omega,Move
Rank(3/6):  Meh
Hour: 2:37

Well, this day was going okay, then my family invited me to the movie . Normally this would be good. But reflecting upon it the next day has made me realize just how fragile stability is. I ended up eating things that don't help, and I disrupted my own eating habits.

Just what does it take to have solid eating habits... I'm not sure.

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