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Rualani's Journal

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Intro: 90 day Detox
intro Goal: First chapter will contain multilayered symbolic representation of inner struggles that play a piece in the causality of the creation of this daily journal.
Goal: Succeed and prove non addiction to gaming. Cause it would suck to truly never play video games again.
Goal: Write in daily journal. I think this is the place to express these sentiments because I truly do believe that so much of this struggle is defined in my relationship to gaming/internet --------distraction.
Stats: Exercise, Meditation, Cooking, Social, Creative Construction.

Beginning analysis.
Day 3:
I'm listening to the NieR: Automata soundtrack and thinking about what an epic game it was. It infuriates me because I always end up rushing through games eating up the plot like a goddamned vampire. In the end I miss the subtler moments and the emotional impacts are reduced for the sake of Diablo style rushing. I know why.
It's because there are things in my life that desperately need attention. So if I pause and reflect and immerse in the subtler details of the game my life comees rushing back into view. But I don't want to live, I want to game. And the cycle goes on indefinitely

It's almost meaningful in some weird way. The quality of the games that were meant only distract were reduced because of the narrow purpose I gave them. I feel like I destroyed on some level the messages and meanings the games tried to give to me because of my hunger. It's almost a contradiction. Games are distraction and emulations of meaning, but to escape from ones own meaning means to use games as a distraction. Is this a never ending tension. But this is an old story. Most drugs have the most majestic highs. And while the drugs don't change your tolerance towards them changes.

What was a meaningful experience becomes nothing but a perpetual loop. You resonate and experience dimmer and dimmer every time. Until nothing but regret remains. Whatever messages I experienced were overshadowed by my unwillingness to bring them home and make them my own.

"A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize majesty. Great works of art have no more affecting lesson for us than this. They teach us to abide by our spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility then most when the whole cry of voices is on the other side. Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another."  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

To me this quote sums up the problem for me. So much of these soul shaking moments and messages already lie dormant inside. But instead I distract and shamefully take the messages from games. In this way I am always seeking for something to resonate what is already there instead of confronting it myself.

If I lived out that self and truly met it head on in my daily life I don't think video games would be such the addiction they are now. But that self that I've been growing more aware of ask of me everything. It demands a bloody tribute. An agonizing walk through the desert. I must return to it and reawaken it, for the peacefulness of slumber will twist to a dark and suffocating pressure if the dreamer does not awaken.

Meditation=15 minutes
Creative Construction=0


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Day #4

Day was productive. Ended up sleeping in the afternoon. Unsure if bad or good.


Exercise=0, Meditation=0, cooking=0, create=0,social=1

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Day #5

7a: Alarm snooze cycle
8a: Alarm cycle ends midway. I had interesting and inspiring dream in the cycle(then forgot). Snooze button shall be used for predicting improper sleep
     Breakfast{A Brownie} A goddamned brownie.
9a: Travel then class
10a: Class information absorption subpar

Stress was pretty high.
4p: Ocular Migraine's
5p: Too intense. Light too bright. Made journey home from Indy. With traffic time cost was too high. Need to lengthen study time past rush hour.
      Prequisite Techology to study time. {Mobile Foods, Daily Breakfast}
6p: Dinner(Spaghetti and meat sauce- rating 3/10)                
      Wishing to pickup food logging habits. Desperately need to up plant intake. Current environment inhospitable to cooking plant based foods. Must build plan and implement.
7p: Journal writing.
7-10p: Expected study and mental distraction{anime, vegan videos, youtube, random}
9p: Expected meditation time. Goal{x>2.5 minutes} - - - - THREAT THREAT Energy Drinks break meditation habits. avoid.
10p: Expected sleep time - - - Take melatonin to rebuild sleep habits. Broken by video games...Melatonin brings dreams. Dreams bring conflict and agony. Prick your bloody eyes open.

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Day # 6.
[The cravings begin]

I played VR games at my college campus. Being in close contact with steam and using it's interface. I haven't succumbed in any other areas so should I grant this an exception to my detox or not. I'm quiet confused on this.

-Breakfast[popped beans,tomatoes,eggs] Cooking success!
-School quiz. Not so well. Statistics difficult. Finding correct material to study difficult.
-Probability at low mathematical aptitude increase. Difficulties rapidly increase closer to theorems and proofs.
-Philosophical quandries. Theories can seem pointless. Abstract research disqualified.

-I found out there was a VR room on my school campus. In the spirit of exploration I decided to try it out. Business had been slow so I had the room to myself. Two people showed -me the ropes but I felt like I was picking up on the material fast enough. Once a gamer always a gamer. Interface skillset already high.

-I played a bow and arrow game and two rhythm games. I love rhythm games so it was a blast. One was this light saber rhythm game so that was interesting>
-VR experience was frighteningly smooth. Even with my thick glasses it wasn't too bad heading into virtual reality
-Exiting the experience was a bit jarring. I had to sit down to readapt to reality. IT felt different though. At first the buzz carried with me and I was more attentive to my surrounding.

***KEY HINT***
It seems I am actually more aware and attuned to surrounding if m y surrounding are changing and I am experiencing more stimuli. Perhaps I just need a forest or something. Either way a key vulnerability to video game addiction is probably my capability to explore novel areas and moving(nature based) environments. Very problematic problem. With the rise of human population places of privacy and adventure grow smaller and more populated. In any case this is evidence that space travel will become a reality. Core human drives always find a way.


cooking: 1
social: 1 (VR people)
meditation: 0 (energy drinks again, I'm almost out though)
Creative construction: 0 (This is a problem area. Week point. Vulnerability. It's hard for me to peg when an idea just seems cool or if it's something I'll invest time into)
Exercise: 1/2  (VR games actually was a bit of a workout. I'll give credit)


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Days # 6,7,9:
Work weekend has arrived! So far going strong. On Day 7 I managed to cook this vegan pasta thingy yay. My family members cook meaty all the time so I figured it wasn't really necessary.


***Some stressful bitching****
Speaking of which, there is something seriously wrong with my grandmother. Whenever I try to cook for myself she tries and shoots it down.

I say I like the idea of cooking everything in the morning. NOTE I never said I would: She'll dig into me about it even while serving dinner rather forcibly.
If I try and cook something for myself and someone walks by, it's always a comment about how nasty it is, or a criticism about what the fuck am I even doing.
During last holiday season she actually COMPLAINED about my eating habits and when my parents suggested that he "cook for himself then" she shot them down and said no
---"that's what he wants". Which is true. I want them to leave me out of their eating habits completely. They complain about all these inflammation bits of chronic illness, but when
---someone tries to take on the habits that lead to said illnesses. BAM SHOT DOWN.
Like what the fuck? So I've decided, I'm going to prepare my meal plants and cook for myself and keep to my silence. These people I'm living with are literally capable of being supportive of habits that support my independence and wellbeing. So why the fuck should I even involve them in discussion about it. I should be able to navigate my own damn life.

I'm trying to make it so that I'm out of the house and at school more but I'm a very hungry person and a sleepy person, so I MUST have food on me. Therefore the next step and the biggest thing I must aim for is to ensure I have a steady supply of mobile calories. As far as I can tell all forms of convenience eating are grossfully unhealthy or healthy at the sacrifice of calorie efficiency. Therefore, I must cook in the morning.

IT's on me to master this habit. The unsupportive people can be lost to my silence. I don't care.

***I've still fallen off the meditation habit*
So I think I'm going to restart the presence process. There are definitely some pseudo science claims so I'm going to have to integrate those contradictions before restarting. As long as I negate all solipsism I think the rest of the message will be genuine. (Talked to therapist about said claims so pretty sure I'm not mad).

*** Exercise ***
Not going to willpower exercise until steady stream of calories and steady sleep is aquired.

When the due date is close and it is a specfic assignment I can stay focused, but when it comes to studying in general or getting ahead on homework I slow down measurably. Harder for me to structure my own goals. This is bad. If I have any hope of becoming more entrepreneurial than this habit must be constructed.


***Gaming habit***
Cravings come and go. I decided to take up the Respawn program, primarily given how difficult it is to REPLACE gaming. I can go cold turkey (That's how I passed last semester all As and Bs), but I will always return until replacement happens.
It would be nice to be able to game casually but I gotta accept it will always be simulating something I should have aquired in Real LIfe.

The elephant in the room
The big bad wolf
The boss
I don't even know.

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Day #10 [Respawn Entry]

Oh sweet Gywnevere, Dark Souls remastered is out. Pvp issues are fixed. This is agony. Pure agony. Thankfully I'm drowning in homework so there we go!

***Module 2 Journal***      may as well put it here
**Reasons I like To game**
---exploration of new places and ideas
---to be a part of a team and be useful despite conflict
---to build and collect useful things
---feelings of improvement and challenge
---Distraction from self anguish
**Reasons I want to quit**
---Feelings of stagnation. The need to individuate and form identity. I need more chaos.
---So bored, desperately trying to quell it, but it never ends
---A large piece of my identity is repressed and I feel like the only way to let it out is NOT through gaming---
---This awful feeling I get when I ignore the calls for integration from my subconscious. This feeling of being alienated from the self---

*Really most of these are just problems I need to focus on. The primary argument against gaming is that it sends my mind into a flurry where none of these questions will ever *get answered. And the fact of the matter is that TIME matters. Every year that passes where I don't make it count exponentially makes the rest of the journey that much worse.

I silently cooked breakfast stubbornly and steadfastly and said relatives complimented me for my independence. I've decided that they're behavior doesn't makes sense but as long as I just COOK what I need without mentioning it they won't stop me. Whatever, stubbornness, is the key trait to surviving in this family. Hell maybe it'll help me become independent since I'm stubbornly trying to quit games and go to school.

Breakfast and snacking on premade lunch. Having a meal to eat on every now and then is salvation. Veggie pasta should be cooked much more often. Okay!

Alright, as long as I remember to sit back and quantify my next task I'm usually fine. I can drown myself in action and lose track of where in the world I am pretty easily if I don't. Those next steps are pretty important

I think being close to the carpet and sleeping on the floor is terrible for nasal congestion and forced me to sleep on the bed. Meanwhile I've figured out that beds are a piece of the carpet industry. Carpets require vacuums to clean them, beds to raise people above them, pest killers since carpets are miniature ecosystems, cleaners, carpet layers, and much more. I think I've shifted to hardwood floors in my thinking. Carpets just aren't worth it. I'm up for debate, even though I've made my mind.

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Day #11
Changed back to the bed. Nasal congestion quality showed immediate improvement. Honestly, I am really sleepy when I wake up from a good nights sleep. I just want more of a good thing I suppose.

Progress Kind of wonky today. Energy levels very low DURING A STUDY SESSION. I feel like I just need more food than most people or something. I power down quiet easily.

Failed to cook breakfast. Ended up eating an $8.00 Bagel.
Failed to cook lunch. Ended up eating $12.00 soda and noodles.
I can't resist food or I just power down and can't do the homework. Like, I've literally tried to stubbornly go through homework and many times my brain just can't even. I don't know how other people do it.

Going ahead and adding section for my adventures to the VR room. I'm not counting it against detox since my addiction is centered around me isolating myself in the gaming world on my pc. I'm still unsure if this is just an excuse I'm giving to myself. Whatever. It's confusing.
Anyways I played this Escape Horror game in the VR room. I meant to play the Rythmn game, but NOOOO. It was recommended I try the Escape game. WELL JESUS CHRIST. Horror games in VR are ridiculous. I mean fuck. It's only a 6x6 space I could walk in to.

***Thoughts on addictions***
I actually meditated the full 15 minutes last night... Well more like struggled. I was thinking about my relation to social groups and what they meant. How other people can judge each other so harshly and what I can do to help. I think there is a connectivity coeffecient modifier for each person. Who they are connected with, they're ability to connect with others, and many other factors. The idea is that people want to immerse themselves into connectivity pools with higher levels of friend potential. From Aquaintance all the way to Lover. This pool can be manipulated, hence bullying behaviors in high school.

For me though. I need to figure out how to improve various connectivity potentials. Potential mate. Potential friend. Potential connector to others. Potential Teammate. Basically, I need to figure out the various pieces of my personality that can be leveraged to benefit these connectors. In any case, self improvement generally improves many of the metrics.


Edited by Rualani
Added VR experience

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Day #12

Weak, really hard to focus.

more money wasted on food.
I'm much less focused if I don't cook for myself

introduced someone else to VR and had a meal with them. Was pleasant.

I played a lil slither.io. Going ahead and waving a red flag. Will count as a relapse if I touch it again.
Really hurting right now. Hard to focus. I jsut want to game and distract. God. I just gotta stay outside the house.
I gotta keep 2000 kcals of food on me and stay outside the house. I think that needs to be my mother goal right now.
Frankly, there is no such thing as healthy economical convenience food. I think I just need to accept that.

Getting that food together every day and staying outside the house IS THE solution. I must make it an omega goal.

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Day #13 [Another support crumbles]

I have to flag VR experiences as detox breakers. Now this is also not something I will do

***Primary Objective***
My depression is back with a vengeance. The times I cooked breakfast I was stronger and able to challenge the world. When I didn't cook I succumbed to convendience foods and now suicidal thoughts have been drifting through my head.

Therefore, The time before bed must be always spent planning to cook 2000 calories a day. Every day. For the rest of time.

-- Cook all at once in a day, Cook enough for the day. Store the food for the day. Eat throughout the day.
--Cook all at once in a day. Cook enough for the day. Store the food for the day. Eat.

Will fill later. Planning to homework till 8:30 p.m.

Fill later. should be after 8:30 p.m.

No support network.


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#14, #15

so far so good

-*Filled with determination*
-Was a work day, so 8.45 hours flew.

Didn't cook. Failure. === Two cups soda, Qdoba burrito. Ice cream cone.

No changes

***Hourly Track***
5:30a - Barely awake
6:00a - At Work
2:45p - Left work
2:50p - At Qdoba eating, with a coat on... to hide my Gas Station colors. Felt bad man.
3:20p - At home, grabbed soda and ice cream
4:30p - Finally Organized All of my statistics stuff and got started
6:15p[Tracked] - Focus pretty good, I'll naturally distract when exhausted, so I just return.
6:15p - 7:00p  Probably shutting down around 8

**Further notes on Friday**
Productivity was kinda meh. I tried. Research requires a lot of mindset changes. Most of my work was done in a fraction of the time while the rest was me grappling with how to navigate databases and how to grasp the problem generally.

***Further notes***
10:23-still not asleep. I feel like if I don't get my internet distraction in I can't settle. Trying to set up a social event though. Everyone birthday is coming up.
I'm the one setitng up an event.
What the hell?

Edited by Rualani

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So far so good

wrapped up around 8:00. Then brain ceased to function.
8:45 hour work week.

Might start meeting Wednesdays at coffee shop

***Hourly Track***
5:30a Barely awake
6:00a Work
3:45p - 4:00p Ate Taco bell and popsicle. Pretty damn fail
4:00p-4:50 productivity and internet failure, caved into slumber and took a nap
4:50 - 6:00 naptime
6:00p VERY DIFFICULT to wake up. foggy. headachey.
6:00 - 6:20 Dinner food from grandparents.
6:20 - 8:00 Wrapped up homework.
8:00 - 9:00 Internet stuff, I don't even know. Looking up random stuff. Read a bit too much about the nihilistic worldview of PUA, MGTOW manosphere stuff.
I call it nihilistic cause it states that unless you conform to a limited set of man codes, you're trash. It's more narrow than the Baptist Church I grew up in.
Nietzsche was right.

Taco bell -  Salt dairy overconsumption, low quality meat
Popsicle, Ice cream cone - Sugar Overconsumption
Served dinner{Salmon, Salad, rice} - Healthy

Sugar and salt overconsumption leads to inflammation of the scalp
Sugar and Salt overconsumption leads to me becoming a viable host for fungal alien overlords

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Day #17
Girl wasn't in VR today. I realized it was habit forming. I should be glad she wasn't there, gave me enough of a time to think about how unconscious my behavior was. It's kinda amazing really. Gaming just fits over me like a well tailored suit. People can even quickly identify me as a gamer just through non verbals not even including my personality.
I just... don't like how much of my identity has been meshed with this form of media. Hell it's not even the fact it's gaming. It's that it's consumption. I am seen and known for my... consumption. If it is true I lean more towards Creative than stable than this is a really heavy blow.

My psychologist told me, not as advice but as a value he believes in, that effort is a value worth having. I think I see why.


***Hourly Track***
8:40a - barely awake
9:20a - taking off towards school
9:30a - Hardees' (Their burritos are actually a lot less offensive then burger king OKAY!)
10:10a - Chatting with professor about a question. I don't think I ever got through the whole question. Owell
10:30a - Taking the quiz {went better than the last one}
12:50p - tutoring center for project
2:50p - 6/7 towards project completion
2:50p - 5:00 - Talking to advisor, planning courses, thinking about the future, NOT doing any homework
                        Master procrastinator here
6:00 - arrive home and food
6:00 - 7:00 - meditation over social events {Social group settings always end up badly for me due to poor social skills, I think I just need to be a lot more patient and hold my   poise better. I get very all over the place chatty in a hectic and mad way. It doesn't end well in acquaintance circles. I guess I gotta work to find the few people I can be silly with. For now I need to be more patient and observe social events. I'm still unsure if this is the right strategy. Owell.    
7:00 - 9:00 - Internet-ting... thinking... I purchased necessary gear to pick up Zombies RUn app again. {Jogging pants, bluetooth earbuds, phone protector} so that should help me pick that habit up again.
9:56 [Tracked}

Breakfast - Burrito from hardees not too expensive
Dinner - Qdoba meal from grandparents.
Sugar - Root beer soda. I wavered and tried to resist. Worse part is. Soda isn't a normal thing for me.
Why is it that whenever I THINK about my food habits they get worse. It's like living with a dragon. You just learn to accept him and he quiets down but when you stir him up and point your finger at him HE BITES YOUR MIND IN HALF.


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***Hourly Track***
8:00a- Barely awake
9:00a- Therapy
10:20 - 3:30 - Statistics homework. Reasonably productive
3:30 - 4:00 - Don't really know
4:00 - 4:30 - Vr room. Wanted to try VR chat but was warned against using it as a platform of hate speech. When inquiring about meaning, Uganda Knuckles was referenced.
                   - I will never return to that room now. Pity, since most of the time I just played rythmn games. Ideologies FTL.
5:30 - arrive at home and the rest was unproductive whatevering.
10:50 [Tracked]

Oh you stayed productive while at school. Got hungry and came home and ate. Then you weren't productive.
It's time to face facts. Home is dangerous. Should only be for cooking and sleeping. Nothing else.

Sugar is dangerous. Drank another soda today. I'm going to have to escalate this threat level to red. Must abstain. It's obviously worse with lack of calories which leads back to central point.

I'll spend all 90 days yelling at myself to cook. I swear to god. Maybe some pitying soul will realize that I'm making no progress here and enslave me as a cook for their household.
Assuming the food I cooked was healthy this would STILL be a good option. That's how bad it is. Anyone need a cook slave? Will cook for bed.

The association between bad eating, sugar, and productivity is RIDICULOUSLY HIGH. LIKE. I've been blaming depression, motivation, addiction, procrastination, but when I do manage to eat heavy breakfasted and cook proper meals it's like everything improves.

SO, I believe we have all been fed a lie. IT's possible to get by on convenience food. I'm going to say it. There's no such thing as convenience food. It'll just degrade live quality until much WORSE inconveniences arise.

Seriously, this issue bothers so much, that's it's one of the few things that make me wonder if proper doses of self-injury would help. Like maybe a lashing everday I don't eat cooked food.

What's the solution to this problem. Should I schedule a time everyday to prepare food?

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Day #19, 20

***Hourly Track***
9:00 - barely awake
9:50 - Travel to school, was late 6 minutes.
12:30 - Class Finishes -It was surprisingly productive, I had done the problems before the lecture so the intense pace and details the professor covers was more useful-
12:30-2:50: Went to home early.
2:50-7:05: Anime... Food... Cleaning room. I don't really know.
7:05: [Track]

***Productivity/Philosophy of addiction***
I know I started trying to stay at campus later to get more homework done, but I shouldn't be so fragile that I'm doomed to unproductivity if I'm home.
This is a serious contradiction for me. On one hand I'm fine considering the environmental impacts and manipulating them, but on the other I get frustrated that I have to do so much to be productive. I have the resources, why don't I just do my homework. Why does the environment matter! This is not just me. It's a cultural item of America thought. Right now most peoples way of adapting to the sheer pressures of the environment is to ignore them and focus on personal responsibility. If you aren't doing something you need to then PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, WILLPOWER, RA.

There's a limit to this approach and it's a sheer cliff. Over this cliff two problems attack people. Addiction and obsessive/Anxiety disorders. First off is addiction. Addiction means that we find easy and cheap ways to meet our needs that leads to detrimental effects. The biggest addictions I see around me are screens and sugar.
Screens lead to the world of technology and simulation which can continually emulate our needs to great and greater levels of precision. Completely accomplished through the trials and errors of the market as well.

Sugar is a common food addiction that everyone gets wrapped up in. Since the culture hasn't agreed on it's damage it completely become a part of peoples lives and goes unnoticed. Simply challenge yourself to a 90 day sugar[by sugar I mean added sugar] fast and see how that goes. Most people couldn't even fathom it. They simply deny it's not a problem. In truth, the sheer cliff of such a challenge is too much for people to handle so they adapt to it's presence. It's no big deal. It doesn't effect me. It will be far too late for the people most damaged by it before the scientist can even craft a strong enough argument.

This obsessive control results from Constantly resisting the temptations, constantly working, constantly doing what "You're supposed to do". Truthfully temptations merely switch to something else. And even if you successfully resist all addiction temptations, what's left but a life of self-denial. Addictions were merely there to simulate a need. Blocking all addiction could be a shadow of the real problem. Denying the needs of the self. For both false and true call to us with the same conviction in this well simulated world. This leads to obsession. The need to control what little terrain there is. For all else has been denied.

Thought on the note of addiction. I have yet to meet someone that has resisted food addiction. Hell if bad food habits were restricted to 20% diet intake that would be marvelous. Even something to aim for. I don't think exist in my own social network. It doesn't exist in me either.

Finally this leads back to me. I have acknowledge this sheer cliff of a problem. But if I can't overcome it myself. I have no right trying to tell someone else how to do it. Frankly, I usually just try to point out it exist. Even pointing it out is too difficult and leads to anguish. People are aware but they distract. If you bring it up you are basically responsible for bringing into being a horrible thing in peoples minds. And they will gleefully take you on for such a sin. Take on the hill by yourself. Show others that it can be fought. Perhaps that is the only way. Not because it's scientific or logical. But because it's human.

Okay, we're simplifying. THE NEXT STEP is to plan 30 minutes EVERY DAY AT 8:00 P.M to plan out recipes, cooking and shopping.
S.M.A.R.T Goals huzzah.

Gear is in, I exercised. Earbuds might be cutting out. Tested with Relatives earbuds and they were fine. Anyways will do zombies run training before getting back into the grind. It's hard to pay attention to missions since I just started so I'll get back to training endurance.

Getting better at it. I'd rather choose to meditate when I feel a storm brewing in my heart. Usually when the past ambushes me with a particular cringeworthy moment do I take the time to integrate.

Yesterday I went out with an old friend. He's busy as fuck but manages to have a social outing per week. He was much more successful at relationships in the past so I need to consider what habits of his led to his success. Previously I just exhausted so much energy trying to deny his success or how much it wanted because I felt like I would get swallowed up by his personality. I was unstable and couldn't respect my own self. There's a difference between thinking you have to mimic a persons essence and paying attention to the HABITS that lead to that persons success. I don't have to be like him. I just have to learn and be wise about the choices that are mad.
Ugh, I typed this all out just like that didn't i. Welp, Time to hit Submit Reply for a stream of conscious journal madness.

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# day 21

***Goal Track***
Exercise: Good
Meditation: Fail
Cooking: Fail
Sugar: Mega Fail
Productivity: Meh

***Hourly Track***
9:30 - awake
9:30 - 11:30: Cleaning up room for guests arriving.
11:30 - shopping journey [food]
12:30 - home
2:00 - I'm finally productive and finish some assignments
4:00 - Assignments didn't take as long as thought
4:00 - sleep: I'm guessing I watched stuff on youtube/internet/netflix/crunchyroll
6:40 [tracked]

Keep spending hour per day on cooking problem.

Hard to keep time invested into schoolwork. As I'm tracking my hours I'm realizing just how much is illspent
I'm maintaining a part time job but I'm unsure if I should keep it for this coming semester. It worries me a bit.


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#day 22 [ A wizard is born][WARNING, MADNESS, If a person sees all as a clear narration. A clean story. A proper construction for the view of others.. Steer Clear]

***Goal Track***
Exercise: Good[walking]
Meditation: Nope
Productivity: Meh

***Hourly Track***
5:20[I actually cook breakfast}
6:00 Worktim
3:45 I'm off work
4:40-5:49: working talking to family.
6:00: I turn 30
7:54: [Tracked]
11:46: I'm officially a 30 year old virgin...

Well, it's more about being interconnected with different people isn't it. I guess that's the real cause. Eep.

So seducing right now

Today is a day of loss for me. Not the loss of innocence. Not the loss of a life. It's the loss of any dream that anything good came of my past. I sit here alone without much social support or friends I can really lean on. The fruits of my labor burst forth. My measure is had. No more questions remain. I'm taking the right steps. I'll struggle forwards and backwards till the grave.
I failed. Depression. Games. Isolation. Self-Wounding
IT has all culminated. in. this. one. moment.

This age symbolizes transition.
By choosing not to game, I erect a barrier between my past and future.
This habit shall not pass, ever again.
From now on, my past is a tragedy.
But I can at least rewrite the future.

This age symbolizes my struggle. Even when I was a teenager I dreamed of a purification. An expulsion of the poison.
By choosing not to game, my innards begin to stir. No longer imprisoned by the dream. Healing begins.
So much toxin is still ingested day by day.
May my agony ascend.
May my anguish rise.
All of me rise up. RISE UP I SAY.
Shower the world with blood, with life.

This age symbolizes my despair.
By choosing not to game, I choose not to distract myself.
I never connected with a possible mate.
I never connected with a friend.
I never connected with family.
Even with such despair. I still am wary.
Even in agony. I still watch.
You, you people out there. I see your fangs.
I see mine too.
It is isolation. It is oblivion.
If you cannot play fair. Drown in despair. Drown from your own poison.

This age symbolizes my hope.
By choosing not to game, I am forced to gaze upon my future.
Even as chaos surrounds me, I begin to feel it again.
A most divine feeling.
I felt it in my dreams. Calling out to my broken side.
Hope I know you're out there.
Lost and alone.
Surrounded by hell itself.
Burn with me, why don't you?

This age symbolizes my strength and desperation
By choosing not to game, my desperation rises in anticipation. Fearing starvation.
A wolf will bite it's leg off to save itself.
I will bite off my present source of happiness.

This age symbolizes my independence and freedom
By choosing not to game, I am forced to my own life.
I am where I am at the behest of others advice
But that which I know to be true.
I do not use at the behest of others
But that which must be done
I do not do for the fear of others
But that which must be sacrificed
Is not sacrificed for other cherish it far too much
I'm sorry to all those out there that tried to help me.
But it is a rare few of you the seeked to elevate.
Most was just the spread of contamination.
For now I declare my independence.
If I truly believe to know the path free of toxicity.
Then I will walk it.
May I walk wisely.


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# 23
exercise: nope
Food: nope"
Sugar free: another fail
Productivity: I did what was necessary
Meditation: nope
Gaming: Fine.

I keep thinking about the guild experiences in WoW. I  think that's when I had the most fun. I could never really go all the way since my life was never stable enough to meet the static schedules of the guidls. It's silly really. The games prevented me from living the life that would have allowed me to play them in a more enjoyable way. What does that even mean?

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Day #24 [A fellow warrior arrives]
***For Cam***
My biggest challenge is finding an identity outside the world of games. Outside the world of virtual consumption.
I think you said that in the Respawn guide. The only true cure is to find other ways to meet the needs. The needs that were met by the virtual world.

***Further Thoughts on the Question***

Well, I think I need to move forwards with the Respawn. I think I stopped at part 2. I documented in one of these journals somewhere. Maybe download all the worksheets.
I guess the reason I'm thinking about WoW is cause my mind is rewinding. My emotions are seeking something in the past. Something pushed me out of the real world and while I logically know what it is, experiencing it fully is a completely different scenario.

Ah, that's why I'm rewinding. I'm trying to remember. What are my needs. I've spent so much time running away from things. What do I want to run towards.

***Goal Track***
Productivity: Pretty Good
Exercise: Bad
Food: Bad, but I didn't fret over it cause the final exam is coming and I'm scared.
Meditation: meh

***Hourly Track***
8:00: Wakey waky
8:50: Literally been sitting with the shower on staring at phone
9:00; Oh look he's alive
9:50: Talking to professor before quiz
10:300: Quiz still pwned me. What even does it take to be ready for these things?
12:00 - 6:00:  Study
6:50: At home eating bacon and pancakes. This is why I should cook for myself. This is not optimal food at all.
7:20: Distractionasaurs
8:20: [Tracked]
8:30: class meeting.


Edited by Rualani
wrong day number.

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Day #26

I touched slither.io for 10 minutes. Ahhhhhhh. It was refreshing.
I miss WoW.
Jordan Peterson is in town Friday!
Hard to focus hard to focus.
Too much sugar.
Need to cook.
need to sleep.

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Day #28

Friday I actually went to a major theater event with a favorite speaker of mine!
Afterwards I went to a party. It was with old high school buddies but things went good.
It's so hard to me to keep up with the flow of things. I was able to be patient and not
make a fool of myself, which is all I really wanted to do.

Weekends workweek woo.

Studying for final after work, We'll see how it goes.

***Added sugar addiction***
It's something I'll have to keep aiming at. Right now my grandparents that I live with surround themselves with it. SURROUND THEMSELVES.
Thus I am surrounded by a substance which will steal so much of my potential away. Mother nature's razor is so close to my throat. I think she would feel bad about it, but if I don't carry my weight blood will rain down.
-Speaking as a matter of degenerative disease and failure to reproduce, not suicide or anything. Calm yo'self-
***Gaming addiction***
So far so good. There's a new Ori game coming out 2019 after the detox is over and nothing is stopping me from playing it. IT'S ART OKAY.
Will be cautious though. I don't think I have addiction as bad as other people simply because of my personality. Even when I was young I always dreamed of this day of reckoning. The day of purification. Of my sins. Of my addictions. So something in me is obsessed with balance. Keep on obsessing bro.


****************************************Factor analysis. By combining multiple factors new correlations and predictions could be made************************************

***addiction & social***
Protective benefits noted immediately. Greater willpower and determination in goal seeking efforts. It looks to be like a multiplier to what's already there though. If I had no major goals or determination I doubt I would reap any social benefits in this domain.


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Day #33

hanging out with family.

I've finished my statistics and successfully passed the class. Which was pretty difficult. I have A LOT of time opened up so I'm going to try and get the eating habits figured out.

I've been tinkering around with an app called eat this much. I think I will lower the calorie prediction amount to 1300-1500 calories and edit out fruits. This means I can use fruits and other snacks to fill the gap while still having a stable supply of cooked calories. Right now predicted grocery list was 67 for a week at 2000 calories so I need to see what I can do to lower that.

I actually checked out the government data for the average cost of food per month per person and it was actually around 184 LOWER END. The percentage of people successfully pulling off lower end was smaller than I thought so it looks like I need to take that into consideration.

I really need to get a steady supply of cooked calories to come in so I can move onto more intense exercise regimens

I'm going ahead and changing the meaning of this activity for me. Bringing my mind to silence can still be important but I think it's more important that I spend time away from
distractions and just let my mind thing

*** Exercise ***
First step is running and I need calories to manage. If I have an insufficient calorie supply I'll just fill my budget up with fast food again. This must not happen.

I engaged in multiplayer games with family. I'm resetting this to a Soft Detox. Primary Objective is not to cave into gaming on my own. Basically like alcohol. Social drinking is fine, but drinking alone is pathetic in sad. My goal is not to be pathetic and sad.But, this does mean this isn't a "HARD" detox. It's only SOFT. Maybe i'll try hard during the fall semester.

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Day #35
The relapse. I'm writing this before actually gaming, but I can't detox anymore. It's over.
I think I'll keep journaling though. I do plan on going detox again for the fall semester. But it's summer break. I have like 4 weeks blah blah blah, excuses.
Anyways, some main points to cover are all my addictions.

...You what what. No, Fuck this. I'm not gaming. Nope. Uninstalling steam. No darkest dungeon for you. I just drank a fucking yoohoo and a candy bar. I am destroying my own DNA for what. For fucking what. For fucking who. So people don't get upset when they realize I don't share their pain. When people realize that their own habits are fucked up through the struggle of another. Well watch me struggle bitch. Death's the only one allowed to stop me. Fuck everyone. This is my choice.

Actually I know wtf happened. The sugar hit right before I clicked play. I fucking transferred the addiction. That's all I'm capable of right now. God fucking damnit, I didn't realize I was so fucking close to the brink. Have I even made progress/??!?!?

This sucks
Anyways, I need to review the various ways my reward system in in pieces.

***The addictions***
-Food addiction (fast food addictions. Essentially high glycemic foods front load fast energy that triggers dopamine reward response.
-Game addiction
-Fap addiction (Uncontrollable and used to get to sleep.)

Primary reason for addiction is based on uncontrollable nature. Using the 90 day detox rule. If I can't even imagine doing a detox with severe difficulty, it's a problem.


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Day Detox[37] Cooking[0] Nofap[0] Calming Down

Alright, Alright. I think I may have gotten a little crazy. Just a little bit.  It was quite the experience.
I looked around my current living situation in horror and boosted my determination.

So, I'm simplifying my journalism and just free writing about gaming, fooding, and fapping.
Just three sections for me to talk about it and one section to talk about the day.

I haven't gamed even though I had that weak point

I don't even know how to begin. My main problem is that I use it to get to sleep. The sleep fap should probably be my first target. Honestly, I just want to shrink down the amount of times I do it per week. Like, If I'm lighting up a bunch of candles in some sacred dine with pictures of attractive ladies up there. Fine, maybe I'm owed self love or something. But this straight up manipulation for the sake of sleep. I'm not alright with it.

This is probably the most important one. I think the biggest factor in my lack of focus on productivity is the food I eat. It's also a large factor in my depressive symptoms as well. So, In order to motivate myself I'm tracking the days I go with consuming only cooked calories. I want to get that number high as possible.

It was alright I guess. I got to the library and was productive after eating a cooked breakfast. Energy lasted me a good 3 hours of solid productivity with minimal distraction. Which is not something I can usually get. Usually it's distracted productivity. It's the type productivity of which I'm not quite sure how it happened.
Anyways I headed home (bad idea) and my productivity died as I tried to eat this previous beef and onion meal with broccoli. I don't really know what was in the beef meal but I started sliding off the productivity bandwagon and ended up watching tv while curling up hoping to fall asleep but not fall asleep.
The bean and egg breakfast was just fine though. So, I guess beans are alright and those beef chunks weren't. Weird.


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Detox[39] Cooking[0] Nofap[0]

No issues, trying to resist other internet temptations is hard. I still think of games. Also my dreams are getting more and more trippy. This is the part I like about myself so that's good.

So very difficult. I think maybe I should think about how to get to sleep maybe... It's a puzzle. My sleep schedule is reasonably stable. Problem is that I have to wake up at 5 in the weekend.

20% cooked calories
Sins {Arbys, Sweet treat}

Relatives cooked tacos so my stomach feels like I'm going to explode. I think I might be on the addiction treadmill. I get so frustrated, agitated, and unfocused then I just end up retreating from whatever work habitat back home. I usually indulge in food at this point. Once again, the critical element of my productivity failure is food.
I have a one pot so I'm going to try and find recipes that will last a day in the one pot.

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