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BojanB

My daily journal

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Hey guys. I'm Bojan from Croatia, EU, 30 and addicted to porn and video games to a lesser degree. 

 

Few years back I reached rock solid bottom. I was gaming all day, and when I wasn't I'd use porn. I was in so much emotional pain and anxiety that I couldn't recognize the scared being I had become. From a fairly open individual I completely withdrew into myself, almost never left the house and dropped out of college for a few years.

Then came my rock bottom, and with it I had to make a choice. Either I was dead, or I was turning it all around. I just couldn't bear the pain of that existence. 

 

In a period of 2 years I turned it mostly around, became very famous at my college for leading an organization, and did well generally. But somehow I lost my discipline and while never returning to binging I was back to occasionally gaming for weeks at a time and back to occasional porn.

 

This brings me to this moment. I'm still not independent. I am still addicted. I played video games because I excelled at them and got validated from them both internally and by my gamer friends. Porn allowed me to stay isolated, pretending I don't need anyone, to protect my delicate self - esteem and avoiding risking rejection from girls. What girls I did date, always approached me and I basically took what I could get.

 

I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I cannot live this way any longer. I deteriorate if I don't do something meaningful and if I don't do it in a way that's impressive. When I led a student organization I had those needs satisfied and gamed only rarely. Now I'm unemployed, in a small town, with no friends, and two addictions on my back. 

 

I want meaningful connections in my life, I want love. I want to do meaningful work and to help more than myself. Mostly I struggle with being in the house too much which I call my 'heroin room'. I get up to 2 weeks of abstinence and productivity but since all my actions seem forced, eventually I break down and relapse.

 

But I really can't do this anymore, this is too painful. Years are passing me by, and I'm stuck in place. Single, no friends, 'figuring stuff out', my intelligence card is wearing out thin and I can't respect myself when I can't provide for myself and when I'm still hung up on addictions.

 

I journal in my notebook, but I will also write a post here every day. 

 

Also for ANY of you that need someone to talk to, I'll share my Whatsapp and I'll be there for you whenever you need me. Let's help each other, move on with our lives, and live the life we're proud to live, being the men we're proud to be.

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You're off to a good start Bojan. So many of us here are givers who haven't quite figured out the best ways to take care of ourselves. We want to help others but to be really good at it we first have to figure out how to discover and help ourselves. It's not easy but it's going to be worth it! 

 

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Day 2

Yesterday I've set up a morning routine, took notes on Respawn and set tasks for today. 

 

I've deleted my Blizzard account and all my games and I've set up Cold Turkey on my laptop. I've set it up so well that I have to write this on my phone, because for some reason I'm locked out all day. Oh well..

 

I also have a few rules I'm implementing.

- I don't stay in my house at all until 8 PM when I return from the library.

- I don't use the internet in house at all. Whatever it is, I do it elsewhere.

- Get up at 6, no questions asked.

- I get up, journal, meditate, go for a run, shower, get out of the house.

Now for the actual journal part:

Today was brutal. It was the second worst I've ever felt in my life.

I woke up in anguish, just this dull emotional pain. It was a sense of overwhelming fatigue, apathy and hurt.

Once before I've hurt this bad and I knew it would be unbearable. This is the kind of pain that you can't chase away with pills, games or porn. All those things might push you over the edge into places you don't want to go.

I knew there was only one thing I coulf possibly do.

Run.

I picked myself up the best I could, drove to the track in a daze and than ran 3 miles.

Started to drive back home, but turned around and ran 3 more.

Demon has been fed. My emotions was the most part cleared up. Darkness has lifted, and even glimpses of joy came in. 

As I'm writing this, half a day went by, by I feel fine now. Like ok.

Soon I'll head out for yoga, and then close day 2.

This too shall pass, wish you all the very best.

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Hey,

thumbs up for yoga classes. Also it's awesome that you already took the step of deleting your Blizzard account.

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Day 3...

...was awesome. Kept smiling for no reason. Woke up, did my morning routine, did 2 runs, I'm addicted to them and had a yoga class in the evening. Physical activity is the best therapy for me. Spent the evening finish a great book and I turned in. 

 

Tomorrow I'm visiting a great friend in another city, really looking forward to that.

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