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hycniejsy

The Mad Pharmacist's Journal

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@Piotr

Thanks for reminding me that. You're absolutely right. This relapse gave me experience I never had before. Now I recognized my weakness and I'm gonna fight it.:)

@Cam Adair

I planned different activities especially for the moment when I'm finishing my work and have time off. It's a moment of activity choice. So, today instead of gaming I did some personal development knowledge implementation, watching documentaries, researching interesting things for me, studying, calling some friends. It's much better than gaming, however I scheduled completely different things for today like tidying up my room, managing finances, playing guitar, re-reading Respawn.

 

I need to work more on that sphere. To focus on doing what I really WANT to do after my courses/job/chores instead of doing what MY BRAIN WANTS to.

 

12.05.2016

Day 1 - 26 hours

Passed exam without preparation and tutored for some time. I really like that things in my life.

Called many friends to feel more social. Tomorrow I'm going for a town event to meet new people and socialize more.

 

The biggest obstacle I'm facing now is my neurosis. I have an irrational phobia and feeling of doom in random moments of the day. That was the reason why I relapsed after detox, to deal with stress connected to that. And that's my vicious cycle. My parents told my to go to the psychotherapist and to cure neurosis this way. What do you think about it?

Ah, and to be consistent, let's start the gratefulness list right here!

1st Gratefulness list (I am grateful for...):

  • Having 2 hands
  • Every chemical reaction I could observe in my life
  • Opportunity to live in 21st century
  • Food that helps me survive
  • Every smile I get
  • This forum
  • Supportive people here
  • Awesome weather today
  • Facing my fears and phobia like a man
  • 24 hours of being game free again!

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Hello!

First off, I like your gratefulness list. And grats on your 24 hour game-free detox!  I read that you had some struggles with relapse here and there, but don't worry about that.  Seems like you are doing your best to get back on track again, and have delved into further insights about why you slipped:  feelings of doom and gloom.  Hey, I think that seeking professional help and to get a real assessment of your condition would GREATLY help you.  I would expect that some sort of cognitive-behavior therapy would assist?  In the meantime, I highly recommend starting meditation (can't remember if you do this already!).  But it'll help keep you focused on the PRESENT, deep breathing techniques, and it'll help with mental stress.  I don't do meditation enough, but I really should because my job is stressful.

 

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I think it never hurts to try therapy. It should not be a stigma to need/want therapeutic help. If a doctor gives you penicillin against your Infection noone thinks you are admitting to be sick and should work it out yourself.... I think there is a social bias at work preventing us to try therapy. This being said just try it out for some time and if it doesn't help you you can still stop seeing him/her.

Another thing I realized as I thought about your progress is that you are very unforgiving with yourself  and your actions toward yourself. You sometimes study the whole day and then plan things like personal development and other willpower demanding activities. Maybe you need to find some abilities which aren't great in the self-development area but are effortless and just for relaxing. something like reading or watching a good movie. As long you don't get addicted to it or it keeps you from you sleeping schedule, here is no reason to totally avoid these things. Especially if you have a lot of constructive things planned at the day

To release some stress the best ways I know are exercise and meditation. Both help you also to be more focussed at work and to build willpower so I would advice you to start one. I guess it will be exercise because I know that you have some bad feelings about meditation.

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@Dannigan

Thank you for support. And I really appreciate your attention on grateful list that I'm going to continue it along with achievements list (list of things I did/achieved each day)

I deny that meditation is helpful. Tried it once and nevermore.

However I have other activities to de-stress myself. Like drawing (I've drawn today dincing goth kids from South Park for example xD) dancing, listening to music, napping, etc. If there is emergency, like I feel seriously doomed, I'm phoning to any family member or friend to talk a little about anything. This helps me A LOT.

Today I tried something that worked for me perfect in the past: morning pages. Writing 750 words each day about anything. Great eercise which I can also recommend for you to lower stress after your job.

I know that the best way to tackle my condition is to know myself as best as can. So, I'm thinking a lot about what motivates me to do something (like relapsing) and that's the reason I see. Feeling of doom is serious terrifying, I don't wish it to anybody. And obviously I can deal with that any other way, but games was something I knew for 13 years of my life, so that's the easiest and most comfortable way.

Ah, and thanks for you opinion on therapy. That's really helpful for me right now.

@WorkInProgress

Wow, looks like you seriously read my entire journal!

You know my attitude on meditation. I'm not gonna change and I appreciate that you accept that. If you enjoy meditation, that's not a problem for me, I can accept that because it's your choice and that's fine.

I'm not afraid of this kind of bias. I don't give a fuck about other's people opinion in most cases. And it doesn't mean that I don't respect anybody, but I appreciate people who knows what are they talking about. If somebody is just looking into situation he had probably never been before, then he or she has nothing to say about it. And for me therapy is a part of my private I'm not gonna to share with anybody. So any bias or stigma is not my problem to go to the therapist.

The problem is with money. This will cost A LOT my parents, so I'll have to work more to get enough cash for this. Let's be honest, I'm 19, and I should be responsible for therapy for myself. I don't wanna ruin my parents financially.

And I took your advice to heart about pushing myself too hard. True, that I can do ton of things, but I also need to find balance between work and relaxion, that's my main objective right now. I planned the whole week of studying. This will take 33,5 hours to study for every subject systematically, and that's because I have 9 colloquiums to pass next week. And that's how I divided my work time and free time: I have time for myself after waking up (2 hours of morning routines, exercises and morning pages) and after 8 P.M until I go to bed. So that's my relaxation time.

All right, let's go to entry!:D

13.05.2016

Day 2 - 48 hours

Today I spent most of the time at home. And I haven't been having any urges or cravings all day long.I was doing what I was supposed to do and I scheduled my whole week to finally find some balance between work and relaxation.

I did ton of relaxing things today, so I feel seriously peaceful. Even though I spent day home alone, I made about 15 calls to friends and initiated hanging out on board games on Sunday,

What do you things about board gaming? Is it ok or can it be a trigger? Because for me it works well as a way to socialise with people and spend some time much better than during a club party. Especially if I'm playing board games about twice a month.

Gratefulness list (I am grateful for...)

  • Feeling peaceful
  • My appearance
  • That I'm gonna be pharmacist one day
  • Working cooker
  • Electricity in my flat
  • Trying new things I did probably first time in this year (drawing, morning pages)
  • Being young
  • Amigos that support me here
  • More free time for rest tomorrow
  • The chair I'm sitting on

Achievements list (What I've achieved today):

  • 1,5 hours of planning next week (and specifically tomorrow)
  • 1,5 hours of implementing knowledge from Persoal Development
  • 1 hour of watching documentary movies
  • 0,5 hour of houseworks
  • 20 minutes of dancing
  • Over 1000 written words on http://750words.com/
  • 2 awesome drawings
  • initiated hanging out with friends
  • Added journal entry here, and commented on Piotr's journal!

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14.05.2016

Day 3 - 72 hours

Today I spent almost the whole day on relaxation. Just a day off which everybody deserved, especially during weekend. I visited my hometown and spent some time with my family. My parents have completely different point of view on addiction - they're saying that I should quit games once and for all and don't focus on it. Just do other tasks and don't even think about staff like triggers, personal development, talking with other ex-gamers and helping others. That's fucking ridiculous.

I did a lot of hard work to vanquish this addiction once and for all. But gaming isn't a problem, the problem are reasons why I was playing, basically: temporary escape (especially from stress and feeling of doom and neurosis), constant measurable growth (I'm analyst, so it was a great point of view to see how my character was levelling up), challenge (more challenging than doing the laundry). I didn't mention social aspect, because I played alone singleplayer games in most cases, but when I was spending too much time on video games, I didn't have enough time to be a leader of the social group and initiate hanging out or even basically hanging out, so that's the main reasons. And quitting games like my parents said, cold turkey is a great way. However without recognision and know myself better I can just swap games with anything else like watching TV series, Youtube, Internet at all etc. So the solution should be much different in my point of view. Tell me what do you think about this situation? Should I listen to the parent's advice?

Gratitude list (I am grateful for...):

  • Conversation with my parents
  • Helping homeless man by buying him a lunch
  • Every book I read in my life
  • Possibility to be educated well
  • Peaceful day
  • Science
  • My fingers, which I'm using right now to type
  • Waking up early
  • Very talkative bus driver
  • Opportunity to live in free country

Achievements list:

  • 2 hours of listening to podcasts
  • 1 hour of studying anatomy
  • 0,5 hour of studying botanics
  • Over 750 words written!
  • Exercising for 10 minutes
  • Waking up at 5:30 a.m.
  • Helped homeless man
  • Being peaceful for the whole day, despite the diffucult conversation with my parents
  • Planned tomorrow

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14.05.2016

Achievements list:
  • Planned tomorrow

I'd say this is the small thing that changes your life extremely fast, and what is more important - it leads you in the direction you want to go.

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Follow what I share in Respawn. That is what has been proven to work time and time again for people. You got far last time, you just slipped and have had a harder time staying focused moving forward. Now it's time to just keep working the things that work :)

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I think the whole idea of self development in gamequitting is to explore other things then gaming. But if  you ignore your present state and your past how should you learn out of it? Unhealthy focus on not gaming isn't advised either. Just balance things out. It helped me to focus on not gaming for the detox period and now It is kind of the norm that I don't game. Now I can focus on other things. It just takes some time which may defer from person to person to overcome to build new more positive habits. I think your parents are right if you overcame your negative habit of gaming as an escape and replaced it with more healthy habits. One step after another.

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I've just been catching up on your journal, and well done on getting through your relapses then successfully restarting your detox. It takes a lot of courage to admit defeat and failure, I know that feeling from my own relapses whilst in this community. 

It's great you have such a big gratitude list, but I'm digging the achievement list. I tend to only name one or two successful things about my day, and it seems that naming multiple would really help to raise self-awareness of what you're doing right.

The best advice I have for you right now is to find activities that'll be beneficial to you and/or fulfill your needs that gaming has. You'll likely need several activities to do this, but once you do you'll have far less reason to play video games and will lessen your cravings besides. If you haven't already, I'd recommend Cam's 60+ hobby ideas, but the best way to see if you like certain activities is to just try them; it's almost impossible to think your way into liking something new.

All the best for completing your detox! Hopefully you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way :D

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My parents have completely different point of view on addiction - they're saying that I should quit games once and for all and don't focus on it. Just do other tasks and don't even think about staff like triggers, personal development, talking with other ex-gamers and helping others.

I will disagree with your parents opinion. Firstly, you can't cut yourself off from triggers, because there will always be stressful situation, commercial or something which will bring back cravings. That's why we should be aware of them. Secondly, if everyone would think that we should stop talking with other ex-gamers, than this community wouldn't exist. There will be no help for us, if we won't give it to each other. It's easy for them to say to quit games once and for all, because they are not addicted to them, they have no struggle with it.

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@mli

@Cam Adair

@WorkInProgress

@AlexTheGrape

@Piotr

Thank you guys. You are helping my in my toughtest days. I had a relapse today, not only to games, but also to masturbation. I have to admit it and say the reason why this situation happened.

I didn't planned today's free time after finishing courses, so after coming back home at 1 pm I felt like "Oh come on, I need to study a bit, but I have enough time to do it, so let's do something else. Maybe even game! It can inspire me to create my own game!"

And this way I've spent 6 hours straight, without any control. I blocked all gaming websites right now to create a barrier of entry. Now I don't want to have anything similar with them.

This may hurt, but I'll survive it like a make and now I can do it, because I accepted my situation.

So, it's really hard to say for me, but I can't be gamer. I can't be game designer, I can't try gamification to improve my life. All of this leads to relapse. And I had enough of them in my life to get experience from them.

I'm grateful for every relapse in my life. They're teaching me a great lesson, everyone of them.

But now, I have to go to much more interesting game and also the perfect one. It's called the real life.

So, from now I reset the day streak counter to 0.

And to motivate myself better, I'm gonna make it more powerful, by this commitment: "For every next relapse to video games or masturbation I'm gonna literally burn 100 złotych" (it's equivalent of 25$). I need to tutor for couple of hours to earn that amount of money.

This may sound insane, but I did the same when I was to afraid of extending comfort zone while building confidence. Always worked for me, and I've never burned any money.

So, today is day 0! Let's start from 7.pm and see how long will I survive on this path.

 

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And you will do it!

You've completed two detoxes,  this means you're STRONG. I admire this.

Lastly, you relapsed few times at the beggining of your third detox. Maybe there is something behind it? Don't think about these relapses as bad thing, because blaming yourself lead to nowhere, only taking lesson from them changes life for better :)

Burning money is a bit selfish, maybe it will be better to donate it to charity? This will also help you feel better, improving someones lifes.

Greetings, Piotr. 

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And you will do it!

You've completed two detoxes,  this means you're STRONG. I admire this.

Lastly, you relapsed few times at the beggining of your third detox. Maybe there is something behind it? Don't think about these relapses as bad thing, because blaming yourself lead to nowhere, only taking lesson from them changes life for better :)

Burning money is a bit selfish, maybe it will be better to donate it to charity? This will also help you feel better, improving someones lifes.

Greetings, Piotr. 

I agree with Piotr, a hundred zloty is rather a big sum in Poland, and burning it would be senseless and also egoistic as Piotr said, as it could be used to help other people. It would be a lot of aid for some poor families. I do not think it would be a good idea to devote the money to a cause you are against, it seems to extreme to me. Alternatively you may give a tutoring lesson for free as a way to punish yourself, or another alternative would be to donate a thing you like, for instance a favourite sweater, book etc. to the charity if you break your gaming fast. Burning money is a terrible idea, it shows a lack of consideration for others who could use the sum and for whom it would be a great help. Maybe if you cannot refrain from games and it is a problem in your life, you should sell your computer (if you do not need it for university work). Have you tried blocking gaming websites with Leechblock? I am not sure whether the option of buying a sub-standard computer instead is a good one, I have a netbook which is very slow, of course it makes it hard to use it for games, but at the same time, it crashes so often and it takes hours to load a website on it so that it is not possible to do any serious work on it, either. I believe the best weapon is your will and motivation, knowing why you should stop playing games, and other things such as using technology to block gaming websites etc. are only tools which cannot be relied upon too much. Ask yourself once again why you stopped gaming and list the negative effects gaming has in your life.

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18.05.2016

Still alive... and not bitten...

I mean I still didn't relapsed and I'm on the right track. For 37 hours. And I like zombie apocalypse scenario :D

Didn't make and an entry because I felt asleep after a great conversation with my accountability @Piotr. Sharing thoughts with an open-minded person even for 2 hours is much more precious than any video game played for 10 000 hours.

I woke up today at 5:20 am, and that's seriously awesome. I'm going to repeat that

I reinstalled the Leechblock and surprisingly after 30 minutes of using youtube it was blocked. Great that the old anti-procrastination mechanism works!

 

@Cam Adair

Thanks for support. You have time to answer to every active journal which is incredible for me.

@Piotr

Also thanks for support. I did changed my attitude and you know about that because we were talking about that yesterday.

@WorkInProgress

@Primmulla

I have even better idea what I'll do if I relapse to games - I'll donate 100 złotych (equivalent of 25$) to Gamequitters, so if I'll lose time on relapse, then at least I can make a fresh start by supporting the community.

And I admit that burning money IS selfish, but I was writing right entry in a desperation, right after quitting, so I needed something to keep me away from them.

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20.05.2016

Day 4 - 96 hours.

Time is passing so fast. Even though I have some headache recently I'm still moving forward.

Did some revisions on Respawn, other materials, cleaned up my room and computer in almost 100%.

I feel more peaceful right now.

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It's nice to hear that you feel more peaceful :) time goes fast and we live even faster, but it seems that you getting everything right. Keep it this way.

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Just read through it. It is good that you name what triggered it, this way others can learn. You already have spent significant amounts of time without gaming before. You can do it!

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@Piotr

@TheJan

@Cam Adair

@SpiNips

Thanks you all for your support. I really appreciate that. And if I know that I have other people to help me "in case of emergency" then I feel more peaceful.

:)

 

22.05.2016

Day 6 - 135 hours

I'm changing my routines right now. I need time without computer 2 hours before going to sleep, so I'll be unable to procrastinate to midnight.

This is just adjusting my path.

So, I'm gonna write an entry here every morning after writing 750 words. This way I'll share about last day and what I've already done during my morning routine this day.

 

Yesterday was awesome, I did many productive things, however after 9P.M I watched mindlessly Youtube, and this way I ended up at midnight. This was my mistake and to avoid situations like that I'm changing my routine of computer usage.

Today is amazing day! I did morning running for almost half an hour, eat healthy oatflakes with fruit (my favourite breakfast which I hadn't been  preparing for last month!) and did my morning pages. Now completed daily journal.

I'm gonna motivate myself a bit more to studying, because I see this is something I avoid. Probably because I want first to concentrate on relaxation, to not fall into the cycle of constant work.

That's just my inner fear, what do you think about it?

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Its nice to hear that you eat healthy :)

About your routine, I think that sometimes we need to experiment what works best for us. This means finding new ways, but failing is connected with experiment, thus don't blame yourself if something goes wrong. Just change it to improve your life. :)

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23.05.2016

Day 7 - 157 hours.

Awesome to be game free for a week!

I don't have much time to write, but let you know that I feel awesome!

Thanks to changing my computer usage routines I finally feel well-rested!

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