Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
hycniejsy

The Mad Pharmacist's Journal

Recommended Posts

03.05.2016

Relapsed. After 380 hours. For 7 hours. 

Now it's 3:25 A.M. I need to sleep and never come back to gaming. This just isn't for me. I have to forget about it and about passion I had to it. And about gamification, and game designing. I need it to life my life to the fullest.

I'm grateful for that relapse. It made me more aware of my attitude. I don't feel so bad as yesterday. I feel much better.

So, back to basics! one day at a time. Starting from 3:30 A.M. 04.05.2016.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

05.05.2016

Day 0 - 3 hours.

I feel the need to start over again with my journal. That's because I had huge relapse today.

To be honest, from 12:00 A.M. to 8:31 P.M I was playing almost constatly. I had only one break to eat something and give my eyes a rest for 1,5 hours. So it gives 7 hours of playing during the day.

It's always the same. First, I feel like: "Come on, gaming is fine, I can play for a half an hour, right?" After 7 hours of playing straigh I'm realizing that it was DEVASTATING mistake. I lost the entire day.

And this situation happened in my life more than 100 times. Always it's 7 hours.

But do I really need 7 hours of procrastination to be aware of my problem? Hell no! That would be the madness!

And I think that Madness is right now my enemy. My whole behaviour almost drove me mad. My struggles with neurosis, and followed by tachycardia attacks, feeling of doom, and general anxiety.

I don't want to live like that, so I got dispose of "Mad" in the name of the journal.

I need to become more reasonable and gain a common sense in my life. That's what I'm doing it for.

I did my detox once, but I'm not sure if I can count it, because sometimes I saw things game-related, maybe even some streams. That was ridiculous.

I'll leave an entry every day until the end of 90 days detox. If I were unable to do that, I'll leave an information in an entry the day before. If I didn't give an entry, then it would be an indisputable sign that I've relapsed.

I'm going to reread and reimplement Respawn, Challenge and read some books connected to video games addiction to just get rid of this issue and leave my life to the fullest for the rest of my life.

I'm glad if you're reading this. Leave a message or like, so I'll also support you when you need this. And never give up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are really hard on yourself and I understand that, your day was bad.The big mistake we often do is to count everything in numbers, when some things can't be counted like that.You didn't lose any progress you made because you played 7 hours.If you want to restart the counter to zero,just do it (and I like to count my days aswell) but I know this is just a number,it doesn't mean anything more than that.The real progress is not the number.Don't go for the perfect run, there isn't such thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's ok, you're moving past the relapse and it's all good.  It's about getting back up again if you fall.  That also applies to every battle we encounter in life.  You're not a loser for standing back up on your feet and moving forward.  Good job. :)  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

06.05.2016

Day 1 - 25 hours

I've broken my glasses yesterday and I have to wait a whole day for repair. So this is the day without glasses. With extreme myopia.

Hardly looking on the screen so I'll keep my entry short.

No urges today, I'm focused on many different things. I see the replies of some people, but I'll answer on them tomorrow. Too hard to read anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Although you relapsed, I can see that your commitment is great. Just remember the feeling when you relapsed, as you said devastating. Next time you feel urge, just bring back this memory, to keep yourself away from games.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@gresa

Thanks for your opinion. I entirely agree with you.

I don't count it as my real day 0. It's just day 0 of my next 90 days detox, and every one of these detox (previosly I have 2 periods in my life when I survived at least 90 days without gaming) was a huge lesson to me.

Firstly I survived 154 days, second time 115, but the number of days doesn't really matter. What matters is the actions I did during that time to improve the quality of my life and live my life to the fullest.

It's just a kind of feedback which works for me well thanks to my analyst brain.

I have also the best sign of progress: How many days do I need to get back on track after relapse. About year ago it took me about month. Now it's 2-4 days, so that's a huge difference.

Thanks for support gresa.

@Cam Adair

It's a great journey, and I'm glad you're always my companion here. Thanks man. I'm getting better into it each day because I'm gaining the knowledge what works best for me.

@Piotr

Thank you for that advice. It's the best way to keep motivation o high level - to think about things we hate, things we want to avoid in my life.

When I had been struggling with cravings on my previous detox, I had a seriously devastating image of my flatmate. I once met him in the kitchen during midnight, while he was sneaking to the kitchen for some sweets. He was looking like a Gollum from Lord of The Rings, because even though we live in the same flat, I barely see him, because he rarely leaves his room. That's just an example of person who doesn't have anything else to do in his live. And I don't want to a forever alone just like him. NEVER.

I should find some more images like this to keep away from games during detox.

 

07.05.2016

Day 2 - 50 hours

Today I got my glasses back. Thanks to day without day I'm grateful that I have eyes and can see with them so many things.

I'm back to tutoring for last 3 days, really really like teaching others. That's much more fun than games!

Also, working on my daily routines like: waking up earlier, exercising, playing musical instrument, learning Spanish, boosting my English vocab and so on.

 

I also have changed my attitude.

For me, the goal right now is not to stay away from games forever. That's easy, but the real challenge is to harness this behaviour. I want to go through the detox to recalibrate my brain and after that to be able to play video game for no more than 10 hours a day (and no more than 30 minutes a day.) I want to change my attitude, because gaming is bad when I did it for 7 hours straight, because I wanted to escape from real problems. After detox, I want to sometimes do day just to relax after an exhausting day.

 

If I really want to harness this, I need to do a lot of work. But I really want this, because I don't want to have problem with that sphere anymore and harness it for the reast of my life. So, on what exactly should I work?

1) Duties first - I need to give myself some time to rest, but first I need to do obligatory task. That's something I'm struggling with even right now, when I need to do something important

2)You're not a robot! - Another extreme behaviour when I was working for 14 hours a day for 2 months straight. That was also kind of escape from problems. That's the reason why I'm struggling with neurosis right now.

3)Progress, everything's a progress! - I need to work systematically on everything. Instead of preparing for exam 7 hours straight the day before it, I'll get much better result if I'll do it for one hour a day for a week. That's how we humans are constructed!

4)And many other things, please give me ideas in a comments!

 

Gaming is not as bad as masturbation if used properly. But I need a detox with both of them. And I'll never go back to masturbation, but with games it's a different issue.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I want to go through the detox to recalibrate my brain and after that to be able to play video game for no more than 10 hours a day (and no more than 30 minutes a day.

10 hours a day? I understand that this is just a typo... ;)

Anyway, I would be very careful on "dosing" yourself games. Remember that you were addicted and all of this, sounds like an alchoholic would say: "I'm going to drink only a glass of wine a day to dinner, because thats healthy". In most cases this would drag him back to his habit.

I'm amazed by two completed detoxes. Can't wait to see another.

Greetings, Piotr.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

07.05.2016

Day 3 - 73 hours

Great day. Studying botanics for a couple of hours. I'm gonna pass it for sure, but it's not the same feeling like in previous exam, when I wanted to fuck'em up. We'll see the result tomorrow.

I had a great conversation with @Piotr , first time with my countryman! Great experience to share our thoughts in native language.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We were supposed to talk half an hour, but it stretched into two hour tought-share. It's great to have accountability partner and know that I'm not the only one from Poland here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We were supposed to talk half an hour, but it stretched into two hour tought-share. It's great to have accountability partner and know that I'm not the only one from Poland here.

I love this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Cam Adair

Thanks for supportive attitude. I recognized only 2 plants out of 4, so this time I didn't fuck'em up just like previous time. At least I should pass it in first time.

I'm gonna stay with that attitude for next week, we'll see how it works for me!

@Piotr

Looks like I'm a talkative person, as well as you. Good to have an amigo from my country! We don't have any language or timezone barriers to communicate. Can't wait to see the Cameron's short movie on Gamequitters you were talking about to give me a link!

 

09.05.2016

Day 4 - 97,5 hours

Today was a huge challenge for me. First exam, then more and more botanics. After that I came home and I had a choice - prepare some materials for today's tutoring or procrastinate. I choose the first option, and I'm proud of it.

The tutoring is something I really like in my life to do. It's a great challenge, to explain something in the easiest way and great repetition for me. If somehow I was unable to do the pharmacist's job in the future, I'll focus on tutoring as a way to survive financially. Obviously, pharmacy is something I really wanna do, tutoring is just a part-time job for me and a way to practice teaching.

I watched some funny videos after finished tasks, so I feel like more on the right track - duties first, then pleasures. What do you think about it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I watched some funny videos after finished tasks, so I feel like more on the right track - duties first, then pleasures. What do you think about it?

Dude that's awesome. I struggled with that while I was gaming,  but it's slowly getting better. Glad to see you're on the right track. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your work attitude has always impressed me because this is something I am struggling with. Good to see that you find a balance with enjoyment. After all thsi was the reason for your first crash. Relaxation is important.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your work attitude has always impressed me because this is something I am struggling with. Good to see that you find a balance with enjoyment. After all thsi was the reason for your first crash. Relaxation is important.

He's got a killer attitude for sure!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Paul A.

Thanks to your comment, I have more motivation to keep the same schedule today! I mean, duties first, then relaxation. That was just reassuring!

@WorkInProgress

Wow, I didn't know that my work attitude could be impressive!

I have more to say on this topic. Especially to my "work ethic" I have. If I spend enough time on doing something, exercising, practising, researching, anything that needs effort, then I just deserve a success. Same with procrastination: If I'll tackle it one day at a time, then I deserve to control my work schedule.

I can even count it on hours. If I, for instance earn 20 zł (it's about 5 $) per hour of my work, then while doing something productive it's like not only investing my precious time, but also money. 1 hour of studying for exam for 5 day in a row? 120zł (it's enough in my country to survive in good condition for about a week) Exercising for 30 minutes every day for a week? It's like investing 70 zł into my health. I could give more examples, but I hope you've got my point and attitude.

 

10.05.2016

Day 5 - 118 hours

Today I had some health issues. I have terrible immunity, probably because I exercise rarely. I need to do physical activities more systematically. Today I did some situps in the morning. I'll do some more exercises tomorrow.

The day was tough, especially during anatomy exercises. I don't really like to look at corpses, but today I watched them and didn't feel dizziness.

It's still 6:30 p.m. in my timezone, so I'm gonna do some more tasks like preparing for tutoring, for exam and managing my finances. Then I'll have some relaxation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Cam

I didn't try them. But I must start to exercise.

11.05.2016

Day 0 - 0 hours.

Relapsed. For 5,5 hours. That's was a great lesson for me. Gaming isn't for me and I can't go back to them. Never ever.

I also recognized my trigger. Too much of free time without scheduled plan, and with too many tasks to do. It's my way to escape from my problems and tasks. Horrible way.

Never fuckin' more.

I hereby make a firm commitment like I never did before. I can't go back to gaming at all cost. This costs me too much of my life, health, time, energy, effort, relationships etc.

If you'll see me relapsing anymore, then you can kick my ass (even from the other country.)

I want to tackle this addiction, no matter what. And no matter how hard it will be. I'm not giving up!

Future me, if you'll relapse, then you're a fuckin' looser.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also recognized my trigger. Too much of free time without scheduled plan, and with too many tasks to do. It's my way to escape from my problems and tasks

 Don't go so harsh on yourself as this relapse gave you a valuable information. I once heard this chinese proverb: "To experience something once, means more, than hearing about it a thousand times".

You are awesome, not because you never fail, but because you always get up. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also recognized my trigger. Too much of free time without scheduled plan, and with too many tasks to do.

So how are you going to approach your day differently to prepare for this?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...