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Signs of the Depression

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Is this just me?  Here are some things I noticed about myself that just made me wonder how I could be so oblivious.

In no particular order:

  • I noticed that I stopped brushing my teeth regularly
  • I was always late paying bills
  • I was always late invoicing my clients.
  • I had trouble facing my assigned tasks at work.  I could not force myself to accomplish the work.
  • I find it impossible to finish anything.  (work or creative endeavors).
  • I dress like a slob.  Right now I am in swim trunks and a tee shirt. I dress like this when I work (from home)  most days.  When I look in the mirror, I see that guy who has given up on his appearance.
  • I am still having trouble billing over 15 hours a week (before my detox it was 3).
  • My lawn was a disaster.
  • I have a list of about 75 little half hour things to fix around the house.
  • It can take weeks for me to change a burnt out light bulb.
  • my desk is covered in bills, notes, and other paper fragments.

I will tell you this.  After my detox, I have used that victory to spur me on in other areas.  I say things to myself like:  I can give up coffee for lent, that's way easier that the detox and I can leave my wife's Oreos alone (sugar is bad for me) because I did the detox so I know I can.

I feel like there is still a hard path to get myself away from the horrible life I have constructed.

To totally misinterpret 1 Corinthians 3:12...


If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work.

Bottom line, most of what I do is wood, hay, and straw.  Now and then I do the quality stuff.




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Ok, @Dannigan, Good ideas.  Here's today's list.

  • :636_money_with_wings: Invoice Clients
  • Get Project S ready for deployment.
  • Clear Bills
  • :179_necktie: Upgrade outfit to polo shirt. :)
  • if there is time, nail down some baseboards in the living room. Seriously, my wood flooring has no baseboard along one wall for years.
  • :635_oil: Oil Change the car.

I will line through these as they are done.

Edited by Some Yahoo
did some stuff
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Today I'm having trouble working hours.  I am back in that place of not being able to attack tasks.  Gonna take a break right now to deal with an intense headache, but after the Tylenol kicks in I will attempt to get something done.

What we have done to our brains with this dopamine addiction is brutal.  It takes effort.

I have decided what I want to do as I get older.  I think my years of useful programming are probably coming to an end, so I will have to fill my time with something else.  Since my retirement evaporated in 2008, I plan to retire 5 years after I die, so no travelling and gardening for me.

I think I'd like to open a smallish Motion Capture Studio dedicated to providing custom mocap for games, animations, and small-studio film.  This is a pie-in-the-sky goal, but I think it may actually cause me to start thinking long term, and maybe since my years doing my current work are so limited, I can force myself to make a final push to get the whole dream started.  


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I am using some ideas from the Mini Habits book.  I have set a mini-goal of getting 1 hour billable between before 10AM every work day.  If you can't see how that helps, give that book a look.  Turns out it's a lot (and I mean a LOT) easier to get your willpower to accept 1 hour of work than it is to tell it you have to do 8.  Once the door is open however, it's much easier to continue than it is to start something else.

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Instead of thinking negatively of yourself try to think positive thoughts like others say write down what you're grateful for. Think about the good you have done in the past how you may help people or making friends or the adventures you 've been on and just try to turn that frown upside down and smile you be you glad you did. (excuse the puns)



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