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The 90 Day Detox Journal


Natasha
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1 hour ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Those are great goals :D This is inspiring me to set a goal to draw a bit everyday.. should I? I'm not a 100% sure. Once I start I will want to continue on too much, do you ever experience that? So I try to save it for a chunk of free time, like 2-3 Hrs or so. Btw... what are mating ants, don't ants  mate with the queen?

Yes, you should do that. I do experience that, often, the hardest part is always starting though. 

Mating ants....grr...

So ants have an intricate little society. They have the queen, who's job is to create more ants for the colony. (Up to 150,000 or more.) The soldiers, who's job is to protect the hill, and on occasion the scout of the ant line when it's leading to a food source. It's also the soldier's job to bring back any ant corpses. (Dead ant scent.) The scout ant ( the ant who basically finds the new place to hunt for food and leaves a scent), the foraging ants who find food and bring it back. As well as the mating ants. The mating ants are both male and female. They have wings to fly. They stay in the hill eating the food with the baby ants because their whole purpose is to become ready to mate in the spring and summer season. They find an ideal place to mate (apparently my fucking door) and have sex with one another. After the male ant does it's part, it dies. The female mating ants are all potential queen ants. Once the mating is done, they fly around searching for a place to start it's own colony. Once it finds the ideal spot for that, it sheds it's wings and never has wings again. It is now a queen ant that will birth ants and spend the rest of it's life reproducing after preparing it's new home for the colony. Most queen ants don't make it due to predators and nonperfect conditions. But enough do to be a pain in the rear. Gah! ><

30 minutes ago, Cam Adair said:

Very good strategy. Very motivating in my experience.

Thank you. I am going to try and stick with it. 

Edited by Natasha
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Day 19/90 

It's 6:12 am and I've been tossing and turning since 4:40am. Around 5:30 I gave up and continued reading the book I started yesterday. Cinder by Marissa Meyer. My favorite fan fiction author since I was 9, and my favorite real author as well. I even met her in person, and she doesn't live too far away either. 

I'll be rereading all her books a second time, so I can remember what I loved so much and observe what makes her books so popular. Also...the sequel to Renegades, and rewire us coming out November of this year, so...yeah.

So far I want to say the tense is active and she takes her time laying out the scene while things are happening at a comfortable pace. It just flows properly. Every character has a unique voice too. They don't sound the same. 

Yesterday I spent most of my day in the dining room, killing what I believe to be mating carpenter ants specifically. On my husband's next days off we will be investigating the yard and house for ant hills. They seem to be coming from under the back deck. So that's our lead. But we are going to search for the main ant hill. Carpenter ants usually live in wood, do I suspect the tree stump in the back yard and the pile of wood. If that's the case we have work to do. 

I haven't written anything since yesterday, nor have I colored since the day before last. Today I will spend 20 minutes planning out some scenes or starting an outline depending on which task seems more fitting to my style.

Also, no urges to game!  

 

Edited by Natasha
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Day 20/90

Yesterday I was reading about VR gaming on Skyrim. It popped up on Google articles and I read out of curiosity. Then I watched a couple YouTube reviews. 

I've always wanted to try VR gaming, but not in the way it's being produced right now. I'd wanted to be able to breath, taste, and smell in game. I'd want to feel like I'm really in the world, kind of like in Sword art online. If a game like that came out, I'd probably relapse hard. But if that game did come out, I think my father would be dead and my children would be starting their own families. Maybe I'd be too old and physically unfit to play it. Maybe it wouldn't matter that I wanted to play VR like that.

It was easy for me to move on from looking that stuff up to changing my focus to dealing with ants...again. 

I lost my ever effing mind. I vacuumed all the ants, killed the stray ones and then made a big bowl of powdered sugar and baking soda mixed together. I covered every single area they were getting through from outside with the stuff and all the gaps. The sugar acts like a lure and the baking soda makes them die from the inside. I sat on my porch watching where they were coming from and made sure the mixture worked. It did. I watched 20 something ants die in the powder. I watched ants try to carry the dead bodies back only to die themselves. 

I noted that they came from the siding of my home and from under the porch. I talked to my neighbor and we realized that between the two of our yards there was two medium tree stumps and 1 large tree stump possibly infested with carpenter ants. My husband, myself, and our neighbor are gonna try and deal with this on mon-tues- Wednesday. We suspect the main colonies are there because my neighbor is also having an ant problem. 

I also brainstormed ideas for my novel. I didn't write anything down, but I am super excited to write the first chapter. 

I also relaxed and colored a bit. :) 

The kids watched movies quite a bit while I was dealing with ants, then played together a lot. 

Today is coloring day with their adopted grandmom. So I'm gonna tidy up while listening to music and get ready for a day of coloring. ^^

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Day 21/90

Yesterday I didn't work on my writing goal. My constant problem is that, at least, during my husband's workdays, I don't have time alone, ever. I always was one of those people who needed alone time. I don't get to write things down in any true time period. A minute here, 2 minutes there. So, I talked to my husband about it. I'm not making writing a daily goal, instead I'm going to write 2-3 hours a day on his days off so there's someone else to focus on the kids and I can just write in peace. I really want to make the time for this and constantly being interrupted by a 2 and 4 year old just makes me frustrated and angry with them, and I don't like feeling that way towards my kids.

The coloring is easier with the kids because they like to color too. Yesterday I had my friends, including adopted grandmom pick pictures in one of my coloring books. I'm going to spend this next week coloring them whenever I get bored or feel the urge to game. I'm beginning to really miss my colored pencils for more detailed coloring. And this way I can give it to them. So, while I'm getting closer and closer to finishing a coloring book, I'm getting bored of it. Especially the marker and gel pen mediums. 

This was the last picture I colored in pencils.

 

Resized_20180129_211731_2.jpg

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@Natasha

I think you are a natural story-teller.  I knew that right away when I read your first journal entries.  You have a knack for engaging a reader and drawing the reader further into the story.  I also admire your critical thinking and thoughtful responses. 

I don't know why, but I sense that you and I are similar.  It's a rather fascinating feeling, to be honest.  And I don't want to risk describing it either, because more than likely it'll sound contrived. 

I admire how you care about your family, and what kind of lifestyle you want to live.  I don't know many who have that sort of intentional outlook.  I don't have a family of my own, and some days I miss that very much.  My two nieces are like my own daughters, and I want to live my life in a fulfilling way, so that they can follow the same pathway.  To live a life with intention and integrity, and to live it whole-heartedly. 

It's always good to read your journal.  Sadly, I deleted my entries.  Tonight I just felt a bit nervous and anxious about writing my thoughts here for the general public to see.  I have started a private journal, though.  I hope to reflect more truth in my private diary, as I could not fully express myself on this forum.

Kind regards,

~ Dani

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Thank you, Dani. That means so much to me, you have no idea. :) You are such a sweet person. :)

Day 22/90

My husband and I are selling the Kia Sedona today. We're selling it to a friend. She's buying it for ten thousand but she's paying off the balance and we will owe her the 2300 over it. My husband and I are excited. Since I've left my job we've been selling things off and getting rid of debt so we can save up to buy our own house in a couple years. I think that's why quitting video games has been getting easier. We are seeing results from paying down our debts. Also, we have dreams and goals we're working towards seriously. 

This going to be my last post on this forum. 

I'm keeping up with the detox, but I'm taking the Sim card out if my phone and getting rid of the payment and recycling this old broken phone. 

Thank you so much for your support everyone! You are all such great people and you helped me grow so much this month. :)

 

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Aw, leaving so soon! D= Well, I wish you luck with the detox. I hope you come back and post an update somehow, through another computer or phone.

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On 4/23/2018 at 9:01 AM, Natasha said:

Thank you, Dani. That means so much to me, you have no idea. :) You are such a sweet person. :)

Day 22/90

My husband and I are selling the Kia Sedona today. We're selling it to a friend. She's buying it for ten thousand but she's paying off the balance and we will owe her the 2300 over it. My husband and I are excited. Since I've left my job we've been selling things off and getting rid of debt so we can save up to buy our own house in a couple years. I think that's why quitting video games has been getting easier. We are seeing results from paying down our debts. Also, we have dreams and goals we're working towards seriously. 

This going to be my last post on this forum. 

I'm keeping up with the detox, but I'm taking the Sim card out if my phone and getting rid of the payment and recycling this old broken phone. 

Thank you so much for your support everyone! You are all such great people and you helped me grow so much this month. :)

 

I completely respect your decision to leave.  I hope you did gain a lot of positive feedback here.  I admit, I am saddened to learn that you're going.  There are not many females on this forum, and it's hard to lose another community member.  Your insights have been invaluable.  And if you decide to come back, you'd be welcomed with open arms. 

Sincerely,

Dani

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 32/90

I didnt think that I would be back on this site, but I realized that blogging actually made my progress smoother with less bumpy roads so to speak. I may only get on once a week from this point forward. 

Since I last journaled I struggled with the inability to just get out of bed and do things. I had days where I realized that all I wanted to do was sleep. 

I push through that most of the days. I've read 8 novels and two reference books for writing since then. I finished a few more coloring pages. One page completed, and the other almost completed. The others done in markers and pens.

 I also finally got both tvs and three dvd players, as well as my super gaming computer gone. We put up a listing for our large entertainment center, and once thats gone we are selling the large desk too. We are ever progressing in the minimizing and selling of things. 

I committed 12 hours of my week to cutting down trees around the border of my yard and fishing out rocks from the veggie garden. But because my dad isnt committing to actually doing it yet, i dont think we are going to do it this year. 

I also spent 20 hours of my week helping my friend move to her new place. 

Other than that has been board games, d and d, as well as time with family and friends. 

I got sick somehow.

Everytime I thought about playing games I either cried because I just wanted to game so badly or I kept my hands busy as you can see from the above list. 

Why do I think about gaming so much every single day? I'm going crazy. I havent had a personal phone or even even opened a computer all this time and still yet...

What's wrong with me? 

I just feel like a total loser at this point.

 

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Day 32/90

I didnt think that I would be back on this site, but I realized that blogging actually made my progress smoother with less bumpy roads so to speak. I may only get on once a week from this point forward. 

Since I last journaled I struggled with the inability to just get out of bed and do things. I had days where I realized that all I wanted to do was sleep. 

I push through that most of the days. I've read 8 novels and two reference books for writing since then. I finished a few more coloring pages. One page completed, and the other almost completed. The others done in markers and pens.

 I also finally got both tvs and three dvd players, as well as my super gaming computer gone. We put up a listing for our large entertainment center, and once thats gone we are selling the large desk too. We are ever progressing in the minimizing and selling of things. 

I committed 12 hours of my week to cutting down trees around the border of my yard and fishing out rocks from the veggie garden. But because my dad isnt committing to actually doing it yet, i dont think we are going to do it this year. 

I also spent 20 hours of my week helping my friend move to her new place. 

Other than that has been board games, d and d, as well as time with family and friends. 

I got sick somehow.

Everytime I thought about playing games I either cried because I just wanted to game so badly or I kept my hands busy as you can see from the above list. 

Why do I think about gaming so much every single day? I'm going crazy. I havent had a personal phone or even even opened a computer all this time and still yet...

What's wrong with me? 

I just feel like a total loser at this point.

 

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You are making big changes. Whenever you do that, you ego rebels against your new environment - be it mental or physical. Doesn't matter if it's for the better or worse. The body and brain are amazing at maintaining the same equilibrium. This can be easily illustrated on your body temperature - doesn't matter the environment, the body wants to adjust to the same level until it runs out of energy. It will do literally all it takes to get to the center point of comfort. This is how your mind operates - your mind knows you have had a cushy time before and you can survive that way - so it wants to return to that point. It thinks keeping you the way you are is minimizing your risk of death the most. Your ego doesn't know you can be more fulfilled and happy in a different place. It tries to maintain an equilibrium and maximize your chance of survival. So if you make big changes, your mind will naturally try to keep you stuck. Don't worry about it - just accept it as part of the process. I've come to enjoy it in a sense! You know that when your mind is rebelling, you are probably growing, moving forward. It's like muscle soreness. It is 'uncomfortable', but I've come to absolutely love the feeling because when I have it, I know I pushed myself hard and the muscles are growing. Your brain is the same. Because you have these feelings, you are not a loser, on the contrary - you are a winner because of them.

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Day 39/90

After reading @JustTom and @Dannigan s posts I felt so much relief, I felt as though I could breathe normally again. I didnt realize how much I needed to hear how our brains work with addiction or Dani's soothing words until I read them on May 4th. 

So many things have been keeping me busy this week that I haven't had much opportunity to use my phone as of late. Well my and my husband's shared cell that is. 

I put forth more effort into reading, adding another 4 books to my completed reading list for a total of 12 books read excluding writing reference books I'm consistantly referencing or reading through. 

I finished the last coloring page I was working on, did about 3 hours of yardwork, committed about 20 hours to helping my friend with stuff, attempted to sell more things, but got no where with that, but that sort of thing just takes time.

I'm also proud to say that I've been outlining my novel. Im dedicating myself to finishing my outline by may 30th, and to begin writing 1000 words a day starting June 1st until I finish the rough draft. Then I will put it aside to simmer so I can write an outline for my second book that I will write the rough draft for during nanowrimo. That's the plan so far. I am committing myself to this. 2018 will be the year I start taking my dreams seriously and actually make them a priority. 

Other than normal time with family and friends (2 5 hour board gaming sessions! Eee!), and what not, the only thing thus far that has changed is that my Aunt and Uncle decided to hold a memorial for my cousin this Saturday. My husband took a bereavement day so I can go. He'll be home with the kids so I can attend. 

Thank you everyone for your support while I was going through this hard time. Your kindness is overwhelmingly appreciated. It melts away so much of the anxiety I have had from not gaming. I actually only felt that urge a couple of times this week. 

I did have a question regarding my steam, blizzard, and EA accounts. Is there anyway to change the info on them to go to another user? If i wanted to sell the games I bought on disc used or give my accounts away would there be anyway to do that?

Edited by Natasha
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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 52/90

Still no video games. My husband doesn't play them anymore either. There used to be a time that I thought I couldn't live without them. Now, I can't imagine life with them. 

I have so much more time than I ever did before. Recently, my best friend told me she was proud of me for not playing video games anymore. She said I used to be consumed and it was all I ever did. That she's seen me improve in things I care about and spend more time with friends and family than ever. It really meant a lot to me because everyone else just says it's not a big deal. Just play moderately. They don't understand like my best friend, who's known me since we were six. They didn't see me change because of video games like she did. 

I sprained my ankle helping her move. I didn't stop working until we were nearly completely done with cleaning. It was terrible. That was last week and it's still killing me. But I've had to walk and drive, so no wonder. Life with kids didn't stop because I sprained my ankle. 

My book collection has grown. I have a reading stack on my desk piled like they are in queue, in addition to my hutch cabinet full of books. Right now there's only 8 there. 5 are finished, 2 are unread and the last is five chapters in. 

I told myself I was going to do prepwork for my novel, but I did not. I felt like I couldn't start until I revised my first fanfic novel, finished the shorter fanfic I started last november and rewrote my longer fanfic novel. Right now I'm deep into revising the first fanfic novel I ever wrote. It's only been 4 days of work and I have improved it so much in that time. My deadline to finish revising is June 3rd so my beta readers can read it and point out any issues they see. Right now I'm rewriting scenes, cutting unnecessary stuff and getting rid of all the crutch words I have found. My husband is like my alpha reader. We have been reading it aloud together and laughing our asses off at some of the stuff I wrote when I was 18.  It took six years to write this fanfic and my writing skill really developed while writing it. The difference between the beginning and the end is huge. But it will never take thing long to write a novel length story again. 

Anyways, I will be checking in again in another week or so. 

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