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Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that :(

Don't take it too hard man. I know you've gone a fair distance without relapsing, so it's just proof you can do it. Use it as a learning opportunity and this relapse will actually become a good thing. There's a cam video about it, you can check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTeV0yIpMig

Remember how good things were while you were off games. You can have that, it's within your capability. From a guy who's failed at this more times than I can remember: the most important thing is to just keep going and not give up.

I find that the thing that helps me get back on track is to analyze what happened. I feel that if I know why I failed or what triggered it, I can come up with ways to deal with that problem and then I feel more confident that I can quit games and not relapse.

And whatever it is, definitely don't stop posting. There's also a relapse forum here, you can post there as well.

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As you said Karabas, I will not stop posting here. So to update the journal - I'm still gaming. 

As of right now, my 'rythm' is to sleep during the day and game during the night, completely ignoring the real world. It's been 2 days. It's 6:30am and I know I will stay up longer until I fall asleep out of exhaustion, just like yesterday. I feel powerless. I wonder if I'm just bound to be a failure my entire life. I don't think so, but it has certainly been looking like it in the past 6 years. So many dreams, all of them thrown away...

My biggest wish is to have freedom over my mind and body, to be able to live consciously and congruent with my beliefs. I thought about how no matter how successful I would be, I would still be suffering in misery if I didn't make this happen. Even though of course it's near impossible to create significant success while being depressed. So really, this is quite literally the most important strategy to execute in my entire life. 

I just.. don't know how to start getting better. I have 0 willpower right now.

Edited by JustTom

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47 minutes ago, JustTom said:

As you said Karabas, I will not stop posting here. So to update the journal - I'm still gaming. 

As of right now, my 'rythm' is to sleep during the day and game during the night, completely ignoring the real world. It's been 2 days. It's 6:30am and I know I will stay up longer until I fall asleep out of exhaustion, just like yesterday. I feel powerless. I wonder if I'm just bound to be a failure my entire life. I don't think so, but it has certainly been looking like it in the past 6 years. So many dreams, all of them thrown away...

My biggest wish is to have freedom over my mind and body, to be able to live consciously and congruent with my beliefs. I thought about how no matter how successful I would be, I would still be suffering in misery if I didn't make this happen. Even though of course it's near impossible to create significant success while being depressed. So really, this is quite literally the most important strategy to execute in my entire life. 

I just.. don't know how to start getting better. I have 0 willpower right now.

Hey there @JustTom,

Don't believe in those lies plaguing your mind. 

Lies:

1)  I am a failure.  I am bound to be a failure. 

Truth:  How are you a failure?  You've just completed 30 days of not gaming!  Holy shit.  That's more days than people I know who are STILL addicted.  You are further ahead of the race than those poor folks stuck in a false reality.  You hit a stumbling block.  That's all.  Failure teaches you about many things.  I can't tell you what they are, as I don't know you that well.  But many successful people have failed in their life.  You are no exception.  The successful people succeed because they 'get up' again after they stumble.  And they re-strategize a different plan.

2) I don't know how to start getting better.

Truth:   You do know how to start getting better.  In fact, there is proof in your journal.  What you probably can improve on is figuring out what triggers you to relapse.  Was it a feeling of failure in real life?  A minor onset of depression creeping in?  Fatigue?  Lack of 'fun' activities that could balance your busy work schedule?  Lack of connection with others?  Lack of sleep?  Too much sleep?  Nutrient deficiency?  An argument with your father?  Goals unmet that were too high of an expectation? 

3)  I feel powerless.

Truth:  You have all the power you need to get back up, soldier.  Even if you have to crawl on your knees to get back up.  Just do it.  And don't linger.  The power is in your DECISION and your ACTION.  Get up carefully and take a deep breath.  Don't rush into a regimented schedule of tasks where you have to 'do this....do that....achieve this...achieve that'.  This is all about endurance, and when you're running a race this long, you need to take wellness breaks.  Feel your emotions.  Write about your emotions.  Not just task after task after task.  You are not a robot.  Humans need nurturance.  Find what nurtures you.  Is it nature?  A short get-away somewhere?  The company of a good friend?  A cup of hot chocolate while sitting outside watching the sunset?  A good book?  A movie?  Writing stories?  Drawing?  Painting?  Crafting something with your hands? 

Lastly, this is all about your journey of self-discovery.  You must unhook yourself from the damn video games to face yourself honestly. 

I believe you can do this.  Please, believe that you can too, brother.

Sincerely,

Dani

 

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P.S.

I use a private online journal called Penzu to write about topics that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly.  It's a daily habit now, but it really helps me purge a lot of my frustrations.  I feel lighter after writing it down.  I could not do this in a hand-written journal because it took quite a long time to write, and my hand was getting sore.  Typing is a much faster method for me, and I will continue using my private journal for the purpose of debriefing and venting.

I encourage you to create a private journal if you have the time.  It may be of help.  But that is up to you!  :)

Dani

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Took inspiration from @karabas and did some brainstorming here: https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/6383-just-broke-40-days-of-detox/

By relaxing, doing a bit of thinking and listening to uplifting music I regained a little bit of consciousness, so I deleted all 3 games from my laptop(witcher 3, SC2, LoL) that I played in these 2-3 days. My internet at home is absolute garbage so it actually it takes me hours to download a single one. This should be enough to keep me from playing at least for a while. Good step 1.

I'll go to sleep soon, but here's the next steps to take:

  • (DONE) Uninstall games
  • YouTube: unsubscribe from anything even remotely related to gaming
  • Shower
  • Trim beard
  • Do dishes
  • Tidy up in my room
  • Read a bit of 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem (the only physical book I have here)
  • Write a vague plan for the next two weeks
  • Reply to GQ (I'm feeling so tired and shit I can't even be grateful right now, sorry @Dannigan)
  • Go to the uni
  • Re-start the detox: re-evaluate the strategy with regard to the relapse and its reasons

Just brainstorming again, not saying I will do all these after I wake up, I'll take it step by step. I just really like lists, the structure helps me everytime.

Edited by JustTom
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Awesome! That's a great first step :) Happy to hear it.

I second everything @Dannigan said. You can clearly handle this and you have a great mind to help you figure out what went wrong, prevent it from happening again, and succeed in your next detox next time.

Honestly man, this is what the whole human project is about. Failing and getting back up stronger. I've found no better lesson in battling with my own addiction than knowing that when I screw up, I just have to restart and keep going.

So you've got this :) Looking forward to some inspiring posts in the day to come!

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I m sorry you relapsed but like others have said learn from it, successful people don't get famous quick but they fail a lot of times learning from their mistakes and making improvements to their products and themselves to see if it will be successful. Like for me I had to do learn a lot before I started making movies and I some my first movies are laughable at best but I m glad I did them because it helped to learn and when I joined another community they helped improve my craft as well and I always find ways to improve. You have to find your own way to improve yourself.  

You need to stop putting the strain on your body by putting too many projects in front of you and believe I tried before tried to schedule everything and did it a few weeks then relapsed. So lesson here focus on maybe 3 goals for the day at the most that way you don't stain your yourself. 

1. Eat healthy for week

2.Week 2 Go exercise

3.week 3 project 1

Something like that does not go ambitious just small steps and build upon this. 

That the best advice I can give

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Thank you so much @karabas, @Dannigan and @zeke365. It took me a few days but now I'm on the right track now. Still didn't give up SC2(installed it and played again) so I'm not re-starting the counter just yet. However, I cleaned up my room, trimmed beard and now I'm going to the uni. Being around people and actually doing some work after 5 days of not doing anything will be refreshing and will put me in a completely different state. This day my main goal is to re-adjust my sleeping schedule. Thankfully my teammates finished the second assignment, carrying my ass again. I will try to make it up on the final one. 

To address some of your comments Danni: I don't mind posting publicly. I don't really feel like this forum is public anyway. The fact that other people check up on me and I check up on them is very motivating to me so I'll stick with that. Although of course I do omit some personal details. And the lies - yeah, I don't *think* that intellectually, that's just what I *feel* like. Does that make sense? 

Confirmed: arrived at the university

Edited by JustTom
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Day 0

I am unbelievably tired, but wanted to quickly update the journal to say that everything was successful. Got to the uni, did some work, got my mind in a good place and I'm back on track! Looking forward to tomorrow. 

Still haven't decided to uninstall SC2, but didn't play. 

Edited by JustTom

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9 hours ago, JustTom said:

Day 0

I am unbelievably tired, but wanted to quickly update the journal to say that everything was successful. Got to the uni, did some work, got my mind in a good place and I'm back on track! Looking forward to tomorrow. 

Still haven't decided to uninstall SC2, but didn't play. 

Good man, good progress. Hey, I wonder if reading your early journal entries and seeing how much you were getting done will help with coming back to the detox?

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Yesterday I just slept a lot to revert my sleep schedule back to normal, which was successful. Spent the rest of the day playing starcraft, but it's fine. I don't feel bad about it. Got to diamond 2 lmao. Today I woke up on alarm so I should be back to normal. Feeling okay-ish, met up with my team to work on the final assignment. In the evening I will cook and watch the Amazon FBA course videos. If I can't resist, I'll play a few matches of sc2, but I'm committing here to going to sleep at 2am latest.

I know it's not the proper way, but I'm not feeling super confident about quitting everything right now. Which is also the reason why I'm not being active in other people's journals - don't exactly feel like an authority that can give advice in any way. But hey, it's getting better. It's not nearly as destructive as it was a few days ago when I relapsed. At least I can function, get to the uni and do some work. Starcraft was always the least addictive game for me and often times I even felt like going back to being productive after playing because of the adrenaline rush the game gives, while not hooking you up with bullshit daily bonuses or XP or progression systems and whatnot. I know those are just excuses, I know it's comparing being addicted to heroin and being addicted to alcohol and I know I am wasting time on it. Deadlines are just around the corner and I'm not putting any time into working on my business or exercising right now. But yeah, at least I'm doing school. 

Soooo.. that's the state of things right now. I will be improving a lot over the next few days. Just need a little bit more time to get my tempo back.

Evening Goal #1: Sleep by 2am

Evening Goal #2: Do not watch streams/gameplays

Edited by JustTom

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Work Hours: 8 | Focus: 40% | Current habit: 8 hours of sleep (0/7)

I'm feeling much better, listening to audiobooks on the bike and being around people is putting my mind in a similar spot that I was in previously. The desire to crush it is coming back. Played a few games of sc2, but managed to stop before 2am. I'm going to sleep for 8 hours, wake up, do intermittent fasting again and work out in the evening. If I manage these tomorrow, I will be almost fully back on track. 

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4 hours ago, JustTom said:

Work Hours: 8 | Focus: 40% | Current habit: 8 hours of sleep (0/7)

I'm feeling much better, listening to audiobooks on the bike and being around people is putting my mind in a similar spot that I was in previously. The desire to crush it is coming back. Played a few games of sc2, but managed to stop before 2am. I'm going to sleep for 8 hours, wake up, do intermittent fasting again and work out in the evening. If I manage these tomorrow, I will be almost fully back on track. 

Nice man, good progress.

I like the way that you accept the way things are and just work on incremental improvements. If I relapse again, I'm gonna do the same thing.

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Non-Zero Day 2 | Work Hours: 8 | Focus: 80% | Current habit: 8 hours of sleep (1/7)

The Rant

I woke up on alarm again yaay. In fact I used starcraft to get my brain going and not fall asleep back again. Played for 90 minutes, then went to the uni. Hmm... it is kinda the same thing as oversleeping in a sense, but I felt awake afterwards and felt like I could control it. Did work in school, intermittent fasting, went to the gym and then did my amazon FBA course. Good stuff. Repeat tomorrow. 

update: in the evening I played for 3 more hours. Yeah that's bad. Just posting it here for transparency and consistency.

Additional Stats

8 Hours of Sleep: 1/1

Ate Healthy: 1/1
Gym: 1/1

18 hours ago, karabas said:

Nice man, good progress.

I like the way that you accept the way things are and just work on incremental improvements. If I relapse again, I'm gonna do the same thing.

Well that wasn't the case in the first 4-5 days. I hated myself quite deeply ha. Now that I'm very accepting of myself, it's making it so that I don't have a strong drive to quit cold-turkey again. Maybe I should, but I'm keeping it this way for a few days still. 

Edited by JustTom

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16 hours ago, JustTom said:

Well that wasn't the case in the first 4-5 days. I hated myself quite deeply ha. Now that I'm very accepting of myself, it's making it so that I don't have a strong drive to quit cold-turkey again. Maybe I should, but I'm keeping it this way for a few days still. 

Yeah, I went through a period of thinking I can control myself last time I relapsed. And it lasted a good 3 weeks, so I felt pretty good about it. And then I lost all control and spent two weeks pretty much non-stop gaming.

So just a heads up :D

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Moderation day 0 | Work Hours: 1 | Focus: 10% | Current habit: 8 hours of sleep (2/7)

The Rant

Alright.. alright.. ALRIGHT. Yeah. Okay. This is probably my addiction speaking, but here we go. I am giving myself 1 single shot for gaming in moderation. 1 single attempt. If I don't adhere to the moderation rule a single time, I push the detox button. Moderation: 5 games of sc2 per day maximum - this is less than an hour because I always cheese in ZvZ :7_sweat_smile:. Gaming right now doesn't feel as bad as it used to, I can't seem to think of why. But the end result is very similar anyways.

FURTHERMORE - getting back to no-vids(with a few exceptions). I have a lot of audio loaded up, so while I eat lunch/dinner I will LISTEN instead if WATCHING. This makes a big difference for me, mentally/emotionally.

Fell asleep in the morning again and slept through essentially the whole day. The rest, I felt bad so I just stayed home and gamed. Tomorrow I'm meeting with my team to work on the final assignment, so I'll be at the uni. Shitty day, but I'm not feeling bad, surprisingly.

Additional Stats

8 Hours of Sleep: 1/1

Ate Healthy: 0/1
Gym: 0/1
Morning push-ups: 0/0

13 hours ago, karabas said:

Yeah, I went through a period of thinking I can control myself last time I relapsed. And it lasted a good 3 weeks, so I felt pretty good about it. And then I lost all control and spent two weeks pretty much non-stop gaming.

 

Erm. I think I'm entering this phase lmao.

Edited by JustTom
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Moderation day 1 | Work Hours: 8 | Focus: 80% | Current habit: 8 hours of sleep (2/7)

The Rant

Update from yesterday: played 5 games, which is the moderation maximum, but I also watched a shitton of youtube and stayed up super late. If this repeats today it's a clear sign that this cannot possibly work. Other than that, I woke up more-or-less on time despite only sleeping a few hours, got to the uni and worked on the project. Meh

Additional Stats

8 Hours of Sleep: 1/1

Ate Healthy: 1/1
Gym: 0/1
Morning push-ups: 1/1
 

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Day 1 | Work Hours: 9 | Focus: 95% | The Main Habit: Get Up! (0/45)

The Rant

So a funny thing happened. I accidentally dropped my gaming mouse on the floor and the left click is now bugging out, not registering half of the time and being very stiff. Eeeeeeh... it's "playable", but not enough for Starcraft, not enough for me. Thus I take it as a sign from the heavens to restart the detox. I didn't even get to play today, but I realized it's really not that fun in moderation. It's either don't play at all or go all out and game hardcore. I think I was able to handle it, but yeah, what's the point. This is a good opportunity for me to quit again and finish the 90 days this time. It's the final week this block at school so I gotta prepare for the exam + start the business. I haven't worked on it since I relapsed. Gotta get back to building the machine. Let's goooo!!

When I'm in work mode, I can not watch videos easily, but when I get home, it's brain-off time. Not good, but that should not be the focus right now.  

The habit building for this detox will continue, but with an experiment to begin with. a 45-day habit, the big one. The one that matters the most and that is the most difficult - getting up in the morning and not fall. As I said, it's an experiment, I will try my hardest, but if I fail, I'll return to weekly mini-habits that aim to build it gradually. 

This is a big commitment that requires all the focus, therefore I'll stop keeping other stats for now.

Random thought #1: It's actually nice to just sit and chill, without music blasting my ears off. I can get so immersed in my laptop, which is a good thing, but becoming more present in my body is also nice. Try it more often, Tom.

Random thought #2: Now that I can't game(no mouse) and I've committed to the detox again, I feel relieved. The moderation thing was actually making me a bit anxious as it did require effort to not play more than 5. It's like not gaming at all is easier than gaming a little bit.

The Get Up! Habit

  • Evening
    • Prepare water and the mission statement
    • Fall asleep without devices
  • Morning
    • Drink Water
    • Push-ups
    • Read Mission Statement
    • Change Clothes

 

Edited by JustTom
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Here's just a list of reason for why I want to sacrifice so much of my time and energy and risk losing money to build the Passive Income Machine:

  • Buy knowledge
  • Buy time
  • Buy health
  • Be free to travel the world and meet high-quality people
  • Be able to create a reach and educate people on things that I find obvious but are not part of the common knowledge
  • Realize my own projects without fretting not having enough money to support myself or the business. Be it life-hack applications, music or content creation.
  • Buy some nice things

And here are reasons for why I think I will succeed:

  • I enjoy the process, not just the reward
  • I am a generalist, I have good social intelligence, creativity as well as technical skills, although not a master of any. Entrepreneurship is pretty much the only 'job' where I can use the congregation of my talents. 
  • I have a competitive mindset, I love nothing more than getting better at something and applying new skills/strategies
  • I am able and willing to work 12+ hours per day to get long-term rewards
  • I am able to recover from failure and learn from it as well as keep the long-term vision in mind

 

I will elaborate on specific points whenever I feel like doing so. Maybe even add a couple more. 

Edited by JustTom
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First of all, YES! Congrats :) Here's to a successful detox this time around :)

Do you have any idea about what led to this last relapse? What are you going to do to prevent it going forward?

4 hours ago, JustTom said:

Random thought #2: Now that I can't game(no mouse) and I've committed to the detox again, I feel relieved. The moderation thing was actually making me a bit anxious as it did require effort to not play more than 5. It's like not gaming at all is easier than gaming a little bit.

I totally feel this. I was doing "moderation" before relapsing and finding out about these forums. It was definitely a lot of mental effort to stop playing after X minutes of playing (especially because I play games that almost never end like Crusader Kings 2... dozens of hours of play in one of playthrough, so there's no natural endpoint). Whereas I actually don't feel that burden when quitting cold turkey.

And God, the clarity and the focus! When trying to "moderate", I would just be thinking how much more time needed to elapse or how much work I needed to do to get to play again. Or I'd be planning what I'd do in the game once I got to play. I was going through my day either playing or thinking of playing. With the detox I'm actually focused on my day and what I'm doing with my life.

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Good morning. Nice to hear you are giving priority to what’s best for you. Having a vision for your own happiness is definitely more important than drowsing your mind with gaming in moderation, or gaming in general. Well done and good luck with your 2nd attempt. You’re a smart guy, you’ll do it :)

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2 hours ago, JustTom said:

I keep watching starcraft videos what the fuck is wrong with me, this is some serious escapism

Breathe. Looks like you’re burn out. The weekend is coming. What about spending a full day of healthy relax? Maybe you can go to the beach if you live near the sea or pick up a book and go reading somewhere out in the open. Or maybe you may hang out with friends or relatives. I don’t know, I feel like you need some rest and you may find a bit of outdoors relax useful. Remember why you chosed to quit in the first place. It’s important for you, and for your happiness. I support you.

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