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stablish

[HEALTH] Feeling empty inside..Hard to get up

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Hi all,

I was thinking about writing this for a few days, but I think I need some opinions from the community.

Something happened in my life, something pretty bad.

Let's go back 4 weeks:

A very good friend of me had a heart surgery which went quite well, 1-2 weeks after that it wasnt that good, he felt good, sometimes bad, the docs needed to put him into a coma, after he woke up he still wasnt that good at all and the docs decided to transfer him to another hospital (For whatever reason...we all cant explain why they did that), after the transfer they needed to reanimate him 2 times and he died after that.

His funeral was last week on the 28.03., after the hard day I finally got some sleep for a couple of hours, in the afternoon I got a call from my mom, she cried...She told me my uncle died in a motorcycle accident on the highway on his way home from a barber. He wanted to pass another car and a small transporter stepped out, hit him, he felt and hit the guard railing, cars stopped by for first aid, but he was already dead..

So, yeah.. The last weeks I relapsed and escaped into gaming, I built another bubble to escape and let no one touch me, I barerly talk about the 2 deaths with anyone except for my family and 1-2 friends.

I dont know, I feel so weird at the moment... everything is so confusing right now.

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Hello there @stablish,

I was just writing about the analogy of life, that there are peaks and valleys.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent passing of two people you cared about.  In my own life there has been much death, either due to age-related conditions, health, and even tragedy.  You're going through a pretty tough time right now, and the valley is dark.

Don't worry about the relapsing right now.  I think that people process grief in different ways.  It will take time, and that's okay.  Now that you recognize the relapse for what it is, perhaps now you'll be able to feel those emotions fully.  Because gaming will mask that for a certain time, but only so much. 

Take very good care of yourself, that you get enough sleep, and eat well, try to get up and go for a walk every now and then.  Work on your basics of living skills, things that you need to feel good in a physical, mental, and maybe even spiritual way.  And don't be afraid of feeling different emotions in the grieving period.

Kindest regards,

~Dani

Edited by Dannigan
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Hey stablish,

sorry to read that. It truly is a tragedy. Back when I was a kid, a lot of family members died due to cancer and being old. My family really is very old. 2 of my 3 closest friends died. One took his own life when he was drunk and one drowned when he tried to cross the Rhein by swimming through it.

All I can say is the following:

All of that sucks. I mean it like I say it. When people die, we become sad. We grief. But we cannot only accept the emotions that "make sense". Aside from grief, there was also disappointment and anger inside of me. "What a fucking idiot takes a ton of sleeping pills when he is drunk?" or "What kind of assmunch tries to swim through a big river in the middle of the night?"
I was angry. And this anger wants to be accepted as well. Like @Dannigan said, you need to experience your emotions fully. But that does also mean that you experience the full range of your emotions.

Also, use gaming as medicine for now. If you can, use it. Don't even think about labeling this as a "relapse". You did what was necessary to not break down completely. Try to experience your emotions, talk to close people about them, write about them. Accept all of them. But when your emotions become to large, when you feel like losing control, always have in mind that there is a way to numb yourself for a certain amount of time. Don't numb yourself altogether, but simply keep it in mind as an option.

Also, think about using your journal to vent some thoughts.

This is about everything that comes to mind for now. Don't hesitate to ask for anything. And do not suppress your emotions now. Live through this tragic moment. Live.

Edit: Forgot something! The weird feeling is your mind shielding you from the overwhelming effect of these two tragedies. It keeps your emotions at a distance, which is good for now. Otherwise you would not be able to do anything. But you can  use this feature to experience exactly the amount of experiences at a time that you feel is safe for you. You will not always feel empty. But the mind tends not to block simply grief or anger or disappointment, but all emotions altogether.

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The only thing I can suggest is exercise, whenever I'm feeling bad in anyway it has been the best remedy for all pent up energies and anxieties. I don't have experience of family deaths but I think you're probably beyond normal anxieties and possibly in the realm of suppressed emotions. Again just go exercise, you won't want to do it but it will make you feel better.

 

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Mixed feelings, but didnt give up completely. Trying to distract myself a bit with work and learning. Funeral this week, will be the hardest part.

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