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TheCrystalLake

☆☆Waves become wings☆☆

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@AssellusPrimus thanks :) I hope that next year i earned enough money to visit the US and canada for the first time. I have always wanting to do this since i was 13 years old but never actually had either the time or the money for it. I maybe am making progress but it feels very slow. I think underlying of this addiction theres a lot more i need to put up with.

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Day 14

"And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Its been 14 days today that i quit gaming. Feels like more. Today i didnt think of gaming so far. My body is still doing weird things so thats keeping my mind busy. And no thats not really good. I get the feeling that beneath of  all this, the compulsive gaming, the depression, the body symptoms, lays something else. Its not the first time i think that. When i have been in the dicsord chat last year a guy told me about the thing with the iceberg. You only see the small part of it, but the part you dont see is huge and lies beneath the surface. Thats where the pain is. I dont know, this sounded logical to me. My depression is way better now though but still its hard for me sometimes getting things done. I feel like stuck in bubblegum then. So much time and iam just lazy. So i try to do at least little things. I think it will be really good  to have a job again from next week on. I will be working in the health department for my state which benefits certain projects regarding e-health and brining better health care to the rural parts of the state, so i think thats going to be interesting and additionally being a useful task. I also plan on searching for a therapist next week. Something thats overdue -_-

What iam thankful for today: being alive.

Edited by TheCrystalLake

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8 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

@AssellusPrimus thanks :) I hope that next year i earned enough money to visit the US and canada for the first time. I have always wanting to do this since i was 13 years old but never actually had either the time or the money for it. I maybe am making progress but it feels very slow. I think underlying of this addiction theres a lot more i need to put up with.

@TheCrystalLake Hey I think traveling is great idea, I did a solo trip in December to South America and it was one of the most influential experiences of my life. I am a host for coach surfers so when you make the trip be sure to send me a message I can show you around Toronto. Traveling to Europe and North America is more expensive then some of the southern countries, but their is lots of ways to travel on a budget on sites like Work Away or WOOFing, which provide you with accomidations and meals for 4-6 hours work 5 days a week, its great if your interested in learning a new language!

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@AssellusPrimus Travelling solo still kind of scares me, i dont know why. I know a lot of people who do it to all parts of the world, but maybe cause it is iam an anxious person anyway.. I think through couch surfing you meet a lot of people then? ;) Should i ever make it to Toronto yea, i will send you a message :P

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Day 16

" I dont know any quote today"

I dont feel very well the last couple of days and i dont feel like iam making any progress. Iam still convinced i have some kind of lethal disease which makes every day just full of anxiety and checking my body. My right arm is hurting and including the fingers sometimes gets numb and additionally it feels like i lose all strength in it. Just yesterday i thought that i have chosen a really shitty moment to quit gaming cause i have not really something to cope for the anxiety like i had before. Yesterday i signed my job contract and im gonna begin on monday, maybe thats gonna help me a bit. Additionally im gonna go and see a doctor next week if those symptoms should stay or get worse like they did in the last 3 days. Nevertheless i try to stay kind of active and meet people. Still i cant think and feel anything else than those symptoms. My compulsive gaming seems like the smaller problem regarding this now so if i would not have deinstalled the stupid game i would have played it today. I was simply too lazy to reinstall. Shit. Why is life so complicated -_-

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Day 18

"Theres a darkness in everyone of us"

The last days have been pretty hard but iam feeling better now. And iam like very proud i didnt relapse although i thought about it various times. Yesterday i went dancing with 2 friends and it was really funny and i enjoyed it a lot. I have been hating my body for like 15 years now. I always found it too fat, too tall, not beautiful. I have decided to love it more. To accept it. Cause its the greatest thing you can have. A healthy body. Without it everything is lost. At the same time i need to be very careful so that i dont replace my gaming with other unhealthy activities. This stupid brain which wants to be addicted. Feeling very dizzy cause i didnt sleep much. At the same time its a good feeling. I begin to discover myself again. After my last relationship i had the feeling for like..years.. i didnt know who i was anymore. I had lost not only my BF but also myself. Last one was even scarier. So yea, how could i like myself and make peace with my demons when not knowing who iam. This is not only a detox. Its the beginning of a new self.

What iam tahnkful for today: Feeling better

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Day 19

" Here's some questions I've been asking myself. What if I forgive myself? What if I was sorry? What if I could go back in time? I wouldn't do a single thing differently. What if all those things I did were the things that got me here?"

Now every time i write here i need to look at what day iam. Maybe a good sign. I went out yesterday with friends and we had a great time. We have been at a popular club in my hometown which hosted a 3 days festival where we already went to on friday. But omg. Events like these make me realize how old i have become and how much time has passed since i last went to those clubs. Not that it really matters but still it feels weird. Youngest people there could be my Kids -_- I sometimes ask myself how my life would be if i did not make the decisions i made. If i had chosen another profession or had chosen different men in my life. And yes. I think i would not do anything different. Regret is a very bad feeling. I know people who are full of it. And i dont want to be like that... anymore. Iam still tempted to play. Especially now since iam feeling better but i will stay strong. Never thought that simply quitting gaming would have such an impact on my life. "Simply". Actually its not really simple. Although being a gaming addict is different from maybe being an alcoholic we all face the same demons in our head. Tomorrow i start my new job and iam kind of nervous.

What iam thankful for today: my fluffy cat

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Day 21

"Forever is composed of nows"

After struggling really hard the last week i feel a lot better now. I have started my new job yesterday and theres so many things i need to learn for it -_- Its only part time but still theres so many things i dont know yet and i want to give the best there i can. I dont have a lot of self esteam in general so i get also insecure in job related issues. Always thought it would get better if i get older but didnt happen. Something that bothers me is that I feel very alone sometimes. I really miss someone to lean on to or simply to hug. Didnt miss that when i was gaming but now after 3 weeks away from it this feeling gets stronger and stronger. I dont really know where to look. I wanted to try blind dating but i would more like to meet someone the natural way now that i have seen what kind of people are there in the e-dating apps -_-  But at my age its very very complicated. So if anyone in the 20´s is reading this, dont waste your best time in life in front of a screen instead of finding ur significant other lol, you will end up alone with a fat cat like i did :P But yea, iam never without hope. Love isnt a matter of age. Tomorrow i will meet with friends after work and i plan on going out on the weekend again. I begin to feel more open minded towards other people. Not to all... theres still really enough idiots in this world, but i dont leave the house often thinking that i hate everyone lol.Maybe i will be a hippy at the end of the detox idk :P Will there be an end of the detox? Hmm.. thats a good question. When i started it i didnt have a plan. I just knew something had to change. As i already mentioned i think i cant go back to the heroingame ever again, its all in the word heroingame^^ So regarding this i think it will be a lifelong detox -_-

 

What iam thankful for today: The sun on my face right now =)

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Day 26

" Clean
The cleanest I've been
An end to the tears
And the in-between years
And the troubles I've seen
Now that I'm clean
You know what I mean
I've broken my fall
Put an end to it all
I've changed my routine
Now I'm clean
I don't understand
What destiny's planned
I'm starting to grasp
What is in my own hands
I don't claim to know
Where my holiness goes
I just know that I like
What is starting to show
Sometimes... "

I thought id quote a songtext today from depeche mode. I love the song for many years now, yet i didnt understand the text really until today.. or better, didnt feel what it was about. Quitting gaming was indeed something to stop a 5 year long fall. For me its not just to stop gaming. Its to finally take back the life i have been missing already before i started behaving like a fulltimenerd. My life is better now. I started feeling better already very shortly after starting the detox. And still i miss gaming. I miss my clan. Maybe thats normal even after nearly one month. Didnt relapse so far so thats good. I started building new relationships and my new job is quiet challenging so after all things are getting better. And still sometimes iam just so unbelievable sad. I dont know where it comes from. No one who sees me would ever think iam depressive. Still i think iam. Maybe thats something i feel more now. Maybe its this way cause of the detox, i really dont know. Maybe its just melancholia. Maybemaybemaybe. Have been eating sushi with a friend an hour ago and i think apart from this i will stay home tonight and just cuddle the cat. Iam still sleepy from being at a party until 7am this morning. Dancing <3

 

What iam thankful for today: everthing.

 

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@Dannigan

Thank you for taking so much time reading and answering me. I have been in a mix of being too busy and then at once being very tired so i didnt visit my journal ;)

Well, i hope at some point i wont miss my gaming clan anymore. Actually i had even 2 gaming clans lol. One which had a server and a real clan structure and for which i did a lot of organisation and stuff in my free time. I also spend a lot of free time in anticheat communities as well since the heroingame had a real big problem with cheaters and i wanted to help my clan and be the one with the best knowledge. So i felt pretty useful when in real life everything was failing. This clan i dont miss that much, i miss what i did there and the feeling to be useful to a group but not really the people. Then there was my other clan which was just a bunch of funny people without structure and who were really good players. When we joined a server all together we usually would get all banned cz of this. I miss this thing of having a group and yes a bit i also miss of pawning the noobs in the server all together. Cant change it ._. I think its just the same with every addict, who has to change his/her environment and loses a lot of friends (being it real ones or only addiction related ones) so yes, we all lose something at this point. I think with building a new life this will slowly fade. And at one point i will just think how silly those feelings were.

My main problem with dating i think is that iam somehow scared of men lol. Sounds really stupid. And deep inside i have a really low self esteem. So yes the idea of doing something physically challenging is good and i think i will need something like this to counter the stress of my new job and to finally get rid of those 25KG weight i have gained in the last 8 years^^ Back to dating: I get what you write. Being cheated on i think is the most brutal thing that can happen to you in a relationship. We tend to trust the ones we love and when this trust is broken we are also. So i totally get why you are doing this slow, especially since dealing with the detox too ofc. I am currently writing with some guys via POF but iam not really sure i really want to meet them.. idk if its the same where you live, but if i go out at weekends it seems to be impossible to meet a nice guy^^So now maybe parties are not a good place to get to know guys anymore lol, i just know in my 20´s this worked but as old as iam now maybe thats not adequate anymore :P

Regarding the sleep, well thats maybe really my weak point^^. I normally dont sleep more than 6 hrs and then i wake up in between. It depends on how nervous i have been during the day. My big problem is that i like the night. In the night iam writing. I exchanged gaming for it. Noticed that it can be addictive as well and can cause really bad feelings. I hope i have not exchanged one bad thing for another^^ So since i have to start my job pretty soon atm there is not much sleep -_- But iam planing to do better. I like that you are seeing a therapist. Thats also on my to do list since i think i have various disorders maybe and not just one. Its only one of them thats always there so i actually never feel like a normal person :( Thanks again for your advice, it is really appreciated :)

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Day 31

" With tired eyes. Tired minds. We slept"

One month of the detox is done. It feels like 300 years already^^ When i look back one year from now what i just did 30 minutes ago i would have never thought that i would be at this point in my life now. That i would have left my clan and stopped playing the heroingame. I was still convinced back then that i could moderate my gaming. My gaming friends are still convinced i can. Its only 2 i talk to now. One of them i meet in real life already last year and we mainly talk about every day things and only maybe 5% about gaming. He knows iam doing the detox and is also supporting me, which feels good. Apart from that i have started my job and while the first week was oke its already getting me really really tired and iam falling back into feeling so weird all day. Deep inside of me there is a feeling like nothing makes sense at all. That i only want to die. Yet iam scared af of dying and i manage to keep a pretty friendly and funny surface. No one would ever think my thoughts are so dark every day. I already noticed this at the very beginning last year when i tried the first detox. Something deep inside of me wants to be lost. It wants to be addicted and wasted. And i dont know why or what it is. Maybe i will find out once day.

What iam thankful for today: That from next month on i wont have to worry of how to pay my rent^^

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18 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

@Dannigan

Thank you for taking so much time reading and answering me. I have been in a mix of being too busy and then at once being very tired so i didnt visit my journal ;)

Well, i hope at some point i wont miss my gaming clan anymore. Actually i had even 2 gaming clans lol. One which had a server and a real clan structure and for which i did a lot of organisation and stuff in my free time. I also spend a lot of free time in anticheat communities as well since the heroingame had a real big problem with cheaters and i wanted to help my clan and be the one with the best knowledge. So i felt pretty useful when in real life everything was failing. This clan i dont miss that much, i miss what i did there and the feeling to be useful to a group but not really the people. Then there was my other clan which was just a bunch of funny people without structure and who were really good players. When we joined a server all together we usually would get all banned cz of this. I miss this thing of having a group and yes a bit i also miss of pawning the noobs in the server all together. Cant change it ._. I think its just the same with every addict, who has to change his/her environment and loses a lot of friends (being it real ones or only addiction related ones) so yes, we all lose something at this point. I think with building a new life this will slowly fade. And at one point i will just think how silly those feelings were.

 

Absolutely.  Once you change your environment to meeting different peer groups, you definitely will go through adjustments.  I can relate to losing a virtual community.  When I relapsed last winter, I had joined a different server, a very popular one.  Because I wasn't there very long, I didn't establish 'close' friendships, but they were friends anyhow.  Still, when I left my kinship and another smaller kinship I lead, I felt like I was turning my back on people who relied on me to be leader or just to 'be there'.  It was uncomfortable and I felt a huge loss.  What helps me is to remember that I never really knew these people.  I never met them face to face.  I never hung out with them in real life.  And that was what I was missing:  the human contact.

BUT....

Like you wisely mentioned, "yes we all lose something at this point.  I think with building a new life this will slowly fade".

I could not have said that better myself!  :)

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@Dannigan You are right again on so many levels and i really appreciate your effort in cheering me up and sharing your ideas for a better life with me :) I think you are already further in your journey than iam. You express a lot of optimism and good energy and i really like and appreciate that :) And i would not say im gonna find a man soon lol.., other people are attracted by our vibes and how we treat ourselves. So if you cant love yourself its hard for someone else to do so. Iam not yet at this point. Iam trying to find some peace with my body though, since its like a song once said " the greatest instrument you will ever own" But my progress is so slowly i sometimes think iam not doing anything at all. For example i really want to do sports but then iam so lazy and sleepy i just cant get out of bed like today on saturday. Its like all the energy i need during the week to function properly is sucked out at this point. Its maybe a very personal question but do you believe in god or a higher power? What you wrote very much reminded me of the 12 steps program which i read a while back and which i think might help us as well. Actually i think it can be applied on literally every addiction. So i have thought a lot about god or a higher power in the past months and that losing connection to my spiritual self maybe is also a root of the problems iam facing now. If this question is too personal we can also write in private or you an choose to not answer at all :) I hope you are doing well today :)

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Day 33

"For a long time i thought things were falling apart when they actually were falling into place"

Yesterday was a weird day which made me think a lot. I went out with a friend yesterday evening who is one of the closer ones in this city i live in for 3,5 years now. There is an age gap of 11 years between us but thats not a problem, although when going out with her i sometimes really feel old... on the other hand she always tells me that when being old like me (sniff) she would be happy to be still as relaxed and funny like iam. This is already part of the thing i began thinking of yesterday. So we went to our favourite bar to drink wine and it was a really nice evening. As iam slowly am opening up about my detox i told her about it. Once again i noticed that people dont take gaming addiction for serious at all. Regarding this it would be easier to just be a "simple alcoholic" -_- So i explained to her like i already did to other people how it affected my life and what i did. And that i cancelled appointments with her because of that, that i was always late because of that, that i left early from parties because of that and so on. Well at first she wasnt really amused cause it meant that i also lied to her multiple times. And then she said: "I would have never guessed you were having such a problem with it. You were always smiling." There it was again. And i was just thinking yea she is right. Why am i always smiling, no matter how i feel. I remember when i was looking for a new therapist in this city already 3 years back i had an appointment with one for a first talk and she asked me: Why you think you are depressive? We talked for 45 minutes now and you smiled like every minute of it. And i was like.. no shit sherlock. Ever thought thats part of the problem? I literally forgot about that until yesterday. I cant remember when i started acting like this. And why the fuck iam doing it. And if i should even stop. I think people dont like to be around other people who always moan, at least i dont. But at this point iam very fed up with smiling and always being nice.  :)

What aim thankful for today: My fat cat :)

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Day 36

"Every day at a time"

Getting into the 2nd month now it gets harder every day to not relapse. Today i have been bored af and it felt like this day would never end. It was free day today so i literally did nothing except watching netfix the whole day, too exhausted to really be active in anything. I have been out last night and although it was funny it was also annoying af. I drank too much and the music at both parties i have been to sucked a$$. So yea fuck this. Today iam thinking of gaming the whole day. Cause normally that would be the first choice for days like today. Idk if iam depressive cause i feel so bored or if its still a withdrawl symptom. Ive been thinking of activities i could choose to replace gaming and i have found some things i wanna do and i think first one i will do is buy new sport cloths this week since thats my nr one excuse for not doing any sports until now. -_- They say sport helps you to feel better so lets see if thats gonna be the case. I feel so trapped in my own body, just like my mind wants to escape and relax from all the stress thats in my head. I hope as this journey continues i will feel more optimistic again.

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Day 55

I havent been here for a while. My life has been pretty busy and beside work i hardly find any energy to do other things. My cravings for gaming are not that bad anymore when i dont talk to my previous gaming friends and dont watch gaming vids ect. But as time and the detox goes by i begin to realize that quitting to game was just the first necessary step. I mean i always knew that i had to quit to get my life back on track but now i also feel it. I feel so many things. And this is pretty hard sometimes. I have very big problems with depression and anxiety, where i dont know yet if they are a result of me not being able to game anymore or if they were caused by gaming. I had depression episodes before in my life but it never has been as bad as it is since last year. Its like i drown in a big sea for a while without being able to breath. And when the episode is over its all normal again until the dive starts again. My life feels like a stupid rollercoaster^^ I have no one to talk to about that. Iam planning for weeks now calling a therapist but i always choose to forget about it again. Maybe iam expecting too much and things dont work like, oh yea i quit gaming and all my problems are gone. Tbh it absolutly doesnt work like this. I dont know. When i read other peoples journals what i rarely do today cause of my low energy level it always feels like iam stuck in the nowhere while other people do great things like travelling the whole world ect. So i feel like iam failing recovery as well as the rest of my life. I would never tell this a friend cause it sounds so negative, and i really dont like people myself who are as negative as i feel atm.

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Day 91

"Hope begins in the dark"

Since i made and completed the 90 days detox i finally want to share my results and feelings here.

It has been a very very hard time so far and still is. Quitting gaming made me realize that there are a lot of problems underneath i needed and still need to face, After removing gaming as a coping strategy it was like standing naked in hell. And there i learnt to survive and iam still doing so. I can assure you quitting this kind of a bad habbit if its really an addiction for you is the same as quitting any other drug when it comes to the mental issues. Iam like very sure i will never be able to play the one game i was addicted to cause i would instantly fall again into addiction without any chance of control.

So apart from that, there are also good things i achieved in the last couple of months. I met a lot of new people. I made new friends. I went to a shitload of parties and danced until 8am. I started learning russian, something i always wanted and never did. I will visit russia in october and iam already nervous af :) I started dating again. I met creepy guys lol. But thats also some good stories for a laugh so far. I started writing again. Actually i do it every day. It feels good to actually create things and not just consume. I started eating vegan again and lost 5 kg already. Cause i am not too lazy anymore to actually prepare food. Iam still not doing any sports or sleeping regulary. Actually sleeping has become a big problem but thats because of the depression iam facing, it makes me very nervous and restless. Iam having very very bad days from time to time. But still. Those days are not as bad as still being a gaming addict. That chapter is over as i really really hope =)

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I don't know who you are, but I am very, very proud of you. Sounds like you're making true progress. There's still a road ahead, but at least you're walking it. Now, slowly but surely, pick up the pace and keep on kicking ass :D

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So i stopped counting the days since i quit gaming. I think thats a very good sign. This weekend i literally had the best weekend in 5 years. I went to another city with a friend for a concert and theres only one word for this: perfect. Everything was so perfect. The weather, the mood, the people, the music, the food, the city, the party we went to.... I would never have experinced this with my gaming routine. We met a friend there which i last met 2 years ago. She was and still is a gamer and back then we shared our stories about gaming and i was happy to meet someone like me back then. When we now met she told me that she did not recognize me anymore cause i looked so..i think she used the word stylish lol ? But i got to say.. when i look into the mirror these days i see a different woman. I think i can say i havent looked that good since about 7 years. So much has changed omg and i still hardly can believe it. I still have urges to play but mostly when iam in a stressed or depressive state of mind. But if i need one reminder to never be a gaming nerd again then it is this weekend. Quitting gaming was the best decision i made in the past 5 years. Its hard sometimes but its so totally worth it! Iam so thankful right now that there is this community and that i saw theres a way out of this and theres other people like me. I stopped feeling silly and stopped lying to myself about having a very very big problem. And slowly iam taking my life back ?

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Today its day 180. Its double the time i think i would make. When i started the 90 days i thought oke, lets try. I got nothing to lose. Now i see how much there was to win.

And still after 180 days i feel the urge to play. But i keep going day after day without. Try to fill my free time with other things. But iam very unsatisfied with my life in general. I would like to travel and to see the world finally. Next year i will get.. well... very old. And i havent left europe on my travels so far. I feel like iam trapped in my life and this makes me weak to relapse. I think i will change job and city again next year. Iam not happy here where iam. It sometimes feels like the end of the world. When i came here i was running from my breakup and all the ghosts hunting me for years. So a town at the end of the world was perfect. But now that i want to get back into life this one is simply not the right place. Everyone has a family and kids here and this is simply not my way of living. I have known it all along since i was young that this family thing is not mine to have. I want adventure and excessive feelings and happenings. Maybe thats why iam so attached to gaming and other substances. Iam still reading "The realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate, which is an absolutly excellent book if you want to know more about addiction and how it happens, especially how the brain is involved in it. He also writes about non substance addiction, which makes this book even better.

 

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Wow...congrats. 180 days. That's incredible.

At this point, I think all you have to do is live your life. Go see the world, find your passion, enjoy every day to the fullest. There's really no way you can go wrong at this point.

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Hey! I'd like to encourage you not to relapse. What kinds of things have you been doing to fill your free time? I believe gaming numbs you to feelings though. Where are you thinking of traveling next? Have you made specific plans yet?

Looking forward to hear more from you

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On 9/23/2018 at 9:24 PM, Deku said:

Wow...congrats. 180 days. That's incredible.

At this point, I think all you have to do is live your life. Go see the world, find your passion, enjoy every day to the fullest. There's really no way you can go wrong at this point.

Thank you 🙂 Thats what i try to do every day. But yes, there is a lot that can go wrong. The only thing between me and my PC is my will not to play. And we all know how weak ones will can be. But i try my best 🙂

On 9/23/2018 at 9:40 PM, PFMA said:

Hey! I'd like to encourage you not to relapse. What kinds of things have you been doing to fill your free time? I believe gaming numbs you to feelings though. Where are you thinking of traveling next? Have you made specific plans yet?

Looking forward to hear more from you

Thats nice 🙂 Some encouragement now and then cant be wrong. Especially on days when like me today you are sick af and have to stay home with nothing to really do -_- Well i try to fill my free time with normal things other people do... like meeting friends, going out, reading, i have started learning a new language, i listen to music ect. Finding something to do is most times not the problem. Its more like the moments when you are sad and alone that i get tempted to play. I then have this thought like omgggg, it would be so nice to sit down now and play an hour. Like switching everything off inside the head and just go. Well. I think i wont though 😛 I plan on travelling the USA and canada in the future. Right now its always a matter of money cause i simply dont have any^^ I hope this soon will change and then life will get a bit easier 🙂

 

Day 210

Yeah my sobertimer told me its 210 and i spent about 22 Million heartbeats without gaming. Thats a huge number ugh... Today was risky cause i am sick with some influenza and not able to go outside or to work. There is a new game out now which i want to play and just on my birthday next year a game which iam looking forward to for 2 years now will be released. But until then i think i will totally stay away from any gaming and not just from the heroin game cause i think it could still trigger me and iam not in a stable mood yet. Today i have finally made an appointment with a therapist in november and i really hope she wont laugh at me when i tell her about the gaming addiction or directly wants me to go into mental hospital like the last therapist i went to^^ I think my problem is that without gaming i am feeling all those feelings i numbed so perfectly. And its simply too much that is there. So iam in an neverending cycle of being overwhelmed and mostly depressed 90% of my time. But iam like fucking proud i didnt relapse once since march even though iam feeling like shit so many days. And so i think that just at one point i will be over it. That the urge to play will vanish completly at some point. And that i will be able to embrace happiness and wholeness in my life 🙂

 

 

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So this is my first autum without gaming. And while summer was easy cause there was always something to do outside i feel like its very hard right now. You know its cozy inside and you dont wanna move out cause its sooo cold^^ So yes. A challenge is coming. And while time goes by and i read many stories from other people saying they dont miss gaming at all ect.. i cant agree for myself. I mean, i dont miss it 24/7. There are days i even dont think of it. But then iam constantly feeling so... disconnected from everything around me. I went to this therapist 2 weeks back and at least she did not laugh at me when i told her about my gaming problem.^^ And she gave me another appointment, which is rare at least if you consider the situation of getting a therapy here. So i hope something will improve again. Maybe iam too unpatient. Today when i was driving to work i asked myself why iam constantly feeling like shit. And then when i was digging more into my feelings and looked back on what has happened this year i recognized that life has become a lot better and its improving. So then i asked myself how shitty life has been before when this here was already the "better". Fuck this. Sorry. Kids, dont curse 😉 Its hard for me right now not to replace one addiction with some other one. I know its not good and that i should look out more for my health and emotional growth. I met a guy last week who was nice and we are going on another date on friday. So yeah iam a bit nervous right now and hope i wont drink too much cause iam shy af -_-

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