Jump to content
TheCrystalLake

☆☆Waves become wings☆☆

Recommended Posts

Day 4.

"Choose life."

I quit again 4 days ago. After being relapsing for about 3 months. Not as bad as it was but i was really scared to lose control over my gaming habit again. Its still just about one game. I literally didnt touch any other game since iam lost in the heroingame. Lost my login to my account here and couldnt restore it. So i made a new account and hopefully i will not lose the login and my motivation and strength again. The problem with my prior quit was, that i didnt really wanted it. Although i started to see what gaming has led me to. How shitty my life had become. And i still sit there sometimes like today and i am shocked how my life is. Iam alone. I dont have a boyfriend or husband. I dont have kids. I dont have many friends cause i didnt do much effort. right now i dont even have a job. So hey rockbottom here we are again. Although this is seems kind of pretty hopeless i refuse to lose hope.

Cause at the same time, everything has changed. The inside-me has changed. Becoming aware there is a problem was the first step. Since then i have started to write again. I literally could not stop. I have always been writing fiction from when i was 10 years old until like 10 years ago, when i stopped. And when i started again.. omg i could not even imagine why i stopped so long. It became my new addiction -_- I stayed up until 2am when i had to get up at 7am. But there was so much to tell. There is still so much. After being numb af for the last couple of years it was incredible. I have started to go out again. I also started to at least try and date again. Last one does not really work so far cause iam like the shyest person in the world and additionally at my age i almost only meet people who are married with kids. I also met some nice people this week and we planned on going out together. Next steps i wanna do is starting working out again, since gaming has made me a big momma and starting a therapy again.

What iam grateful for today: Being in my own home. Eating delicious pasta :)

 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back, @TheCrystalLake, good to have you here

I hope that journaling will be a good way for you to stick with some long-term goals.  I think I relapsed because I did not keep up with journal writing or checking back with the website.  This forum, its members, and journal writing has been profoundly helpful so far.

It appears that you're already looking forward to a bright future.  : )  I love that.  It's inspirational to me.  Like you, I am also single, never had a husband or kids.  And like you, I'll be entering the dating scene again.  Not right away, but it's something I'll be working on in the near future.  I wish us both good luck and good health, and many rewards to come as we do this Detox together with others on Game Quitters. 

Kind regards,

Dani

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Dannigan said:

It appears that you're already looking forward to a bright future.  : )  I love that.  It's inspirational to me.  Like you, I am also single, never had a husband or kids.  And like you, I'll be entering the dating scene again.  Not right away, but it's something I'll be working on in the near future.  I wish us both good luck and good health, and many rewards to come as we do this Detox together with others on Game Quitters. 

 

Thanks for your kind words :) Good to know iam not alone in this situation. Dating is always some kind of horrible for me cause iam so shy and iam ... yea kind of afraid of guys lol... but at the same time i want someone at my side so badly. -_- But hey i think we can do it if we really keep up being sober and working on ourselfs! :)

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 5

" I write. Cause you exist"

This day has been horrible so far. I kept on doing things in my appartment the whole day to distract myself. In between i discovered my old diaries and began to read them. And omg.. i was such a different person back then. Not only from mind and age... but my body.. omg -_- 1 year ago i showed a friend a picture from where i was like 29 and where i had a very healthy social life and wasnt fucked up like iam now. She said she never saw that look in my eyes i had on this picture. It shocked me. We had known each other for almost 2 years then. That was in my 16 hrs gaming period. Thinking about it it becomes clear to me again that the eyes are the mirror of the soul. If you are happy your eyes shine. If you are unhappy for a very long time they get dull. So its again very clear also that i cant ever touch the game again. But then... omg i want it so badly. Its my way to relax and to be... all calm. Theres so much noise in my head, it kills me. And i feel so unbelievable lonely. All this stupid feelings i feel now. All the pain. How people live with all this pain without doing drugs or other things to numb them. How they live every day with losing people, losing loved ones and not getting mad. How you live a life where you feel like the only person left. Anyway, i will try and go out tonight. I have spent enough time all by myself and my shitty thoughts for today -_-

What iam grateful for today: That my 20´s were all kind of a big party, that its soon gonna be spring again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Those emotions are what I call a tornado effect since I went through something similar and all it really is your body recalibrating itself from what was used to but it should subside once you say for good no to games and do not look back and keep pursing. 

Try to focus on goals what do you want to do or be in 5 years? Stuff like that and focus on baby steps on how to get there.

hope that helps.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks guys for your support <3. @zeke365 Yea a tornado of feelings totally describes it. Also the body recalibrating lol, thats a very good description. Imo its the brain thats getting normal again once you quit gaming. When i first stopped my heavy gaming later last year my brain felt so fucked up. I could not remember things anymore. I could not speak normal without having to search for words. I could not write anymore. It was sooo scary. Then someone here told me that its the detox. And isnt that scary af? -_-

@Dannigan you have some weeks ahead of me already, wish i would be there =) And i agree on having to face and feel the feelings. Also its a good idea to write down some goals, i will do that from now on :)

@Cam Adair Thanks for doing so much work and for raising so much awareness for this problem. Without this place here i guess a lot of us would be still lost in a virtual world!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 6

"And when the bass kicked in, it was like taking a deep breath after holding in the air for 5 years."

This sentence above totally described my last night. It was literally the best night i had for almost 5 years. So after this shitty day yesterday which was full of sadness and wanting to kill myself i went to a party. Through facebook i met a girl and we planned on going out together. So she invited me to her home where i met her bf and 2 friends of his. They welcomed me like i was a yearlong friend. At first i was a bit scared visiting people i dont know, i even thought about cancelling it and staying home -_- But no i didnt. So after we drank a bit we went to this party with 2 big floors with electronic music. I always loved dancing. In my 20´s i have been out sometimes 4 times a week. I could dance 6 hrs straight without even doing drugs. Cause dancing was my drug. When i went to parties in the last couple of years i never enjoyed them. All i could think of was going home and play more. I left early in this time and never really danced. Sick when i now think of it. So yesterday the magic happened. I felt the music and omg that bass <3 it was so incredible. Its soo incredible what you can with your body, what joy it can give you! So when i was dancing there and just being happy about where iam i got in contact with a guy. He told me i was pretty af (oke i think he was heavy on drugs lol :)) and that he wanted to kiss me. And i was like: oh yeah ! :D And omg kissing that strange guy was like the best thing in the world at this moment. He tasted of cherry bubblegum lol, it was so good! I even thought about getting this further but then i was too scared lol. So after we´ve been making out for half an hour i went home. My feet hurt from dancing, i could not walk anymore. I was home at 8am this morning. It was the first time since i live in this city (for 4 years now) i have been coming home in the morning sunlight. I can assure you it was like life opened up on me in this moment. Hearing the birds singing and seeing the morning sun... omg. I have no words for it how it felt. Incredible how one night can change your whole feeling.

What iam grateful for today: That last night!

Goals to achive: meet more nice guys :P

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, TheCrystalLake said:

When i first stopped my heavy gaming later last year my brain felt so fucked up. I could not remember things anymore. I could not speak normal without having to search for words. I could not write anymore. It was sooo scary. Then someone here told me that its the detox. And isnt that scary af? -_-

 

Yeeeup.  This sh!t is for realz.  Scary af is right.  And it's something I never want to experience again in relation to addiction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2.4.2018 at 3:50 PM, Dannigan said:

Yeeeup.  This sh!t is for realz.  Scary af is right.  And it's something I never want to experience again in relation to addiction.

Well in all honesty, i never thought something like that would happen to me. I mean i know i have a weak spot for drugs ect, thats why i have rarely done them in my life, cause i always was scared of an addiction. And then the addiction lurked at me from somewhere where i never expected it and i was already addicted af when i didnt realize or denied it. I mean... i would have more thought i end as alcoholic or somehting like that but not as a video game addict -_- it sounds still silly to me. Hope you are well today @Dannigan :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 7

" The hand is not different from what it creates"

Its finally spring! Omg it felt again like the winter would never end. But when i said today on my balcony with the cat and felt the warm breeze i knew the cold times are over. What a relieving feeling. My sobriety ticker (yes i have something like that :)) reminded me today that iam 7 days gaming free. It feels like 10 years already. It feels unreal i never should meet those people again i literally spend my life with the last couple of years. I meet so many people from all around the world omg.. thats something i miss. I dont miss gaming atm in particular but being in contact with the people is what i miss. Yea yea, i have to focus on real life contacts now..and its oke. But sometimes people drain my energy. When theres too many people or too much noise i dont like... i normally locked myself in and played. And now? I tried to get a writing routine. Even if i sit there and write only 3 sentences. But i do write every day. So my fictional story iam writing is not really positive as well... thats not really a problem. I channel a lot of bad feelings into it. Thats what the quote today is about. This thing iam writing is the most personal thing to do. More personal than any diary could ever be. So yes i do it every day. It distracts me from the urge to play. Sometimes it even distracts me when the depression takes over. Today i went to the cinema with a friend and 2 people i didnt know so far. Meeting new people is my new goal so that i have a lot of people i can go out with and dont stay at home at the weekends. With gaming that was never a problem. I stayed at home out of free will. Hmm.. was it really free will? Was anything i did during that time ever out of free will? Idk. Maybe not. The addicted brain is a tricky biach^^ I get the feeling it wants to be addicted. So if everything goes as planned this will be the first summer in 5 years i dont spend inside in front of a screen. Holy Shit. I love summer and i have lost 5 of them. I wont lose one more.

What iam grateful for today: Spring!

Edited by TheCrystalLake

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 8

"once upon a time and its over now, that happiness was prevented"

Today i received the message, that i got a new job from end of month on. Omg, iam very relieved... me and my cat will not have to starve... :P After that i went with 2 of my friends to the garden they own about 30 min away from my hometown. We spent the whole time gardening and made barbeque later. It was such a great time. The sun was shining the whole day, the birds were singing and we really had much fun. I told them that i quit gaming and they could not really believe it. Cause they met me when i was on my way down to hell and already playing like a mad woman every day. Although i tried to hide it from them. They even asked me again when we went home: and you wont be playing games when you come home today? And me was: nope. And i didnt even feel sorry about it. I indeed plan to play one game later this year cause i simply love the series, but its a single player game and it will be in november... and who knows whats gonna happen until then. Maybe i will not even be interested in it. I never had a problem with single player games anyway but at this point in the detox i think its best to stay away from all games for 90 days first. This day was so great. Theres always this quote that comes to my mind from that 90´s antidrug campaign: choose life. Back then everyone made fun of it including me. Back then i didnt know how it feels to choose between life and something, that sooner or later gonna destroy you. Iam very happy i made this decision 8 days ago. Sober counter says 903940 heartbeats clean. Finally it beats for the real things again :)

What iam thankful for today: Feeling the sun on my skin, getting the job i wanted

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@TheCrystalLake

Hey I am enjoying following your journal, like you I have a problem just one game, stupid gaming companies. I am really glad you have been getting out and having such a great time at the movies and gardening, its nuts how much time passes us by when were stuck in front of the screen numb, we forget how pleasent human interations are. I am really excited for the spring/summer here in Canada, gardening actually sounds like a great way to get back to nature! 

I noticed you mentioned you had a single player game you were thinking about playing later, if you can do it go for it, I like you don't really feel I have a problem with single player games but I noticed that they cause me to rationalize multiplayer games, I think well if I am going to be gaming anyway why not spend an hour online? Bamn Relaspe! So be careful about that, but its all a learning process, keep up the great work!

-S

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@AssellusPrimus One of my big dreams is visiting canada one day and doing trips into its wild nature, so i think you gonna have much fun when it gets warmer now and you also like to be in the nature. I think its not only we forget about how important human interaction is, but that its also important to get in touch with nature as well as often as you can. And yea that doesnt happen in front of a screen... thats more like a zombie mode.... :P Yea i know that my plan with playing this game later this year is a bit dangerous, esp since another episode of my heroingame gonna be released in november as well, i havent thought yet about how im gonna react to that, so far i dont plan to touch it. Another thing is that for the single player game i would have to buy a new cpu and a board and thats dangerous as well. But until november theres much time. Maybe i will not even want to play it then. ;)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 9

"Fear is a liar"

This day has been divided into 2 parts, one shitty part and a better one^^ When i woke up this morning i instantly got the feeling i could not really swallow. That feeling persisted when i tried eating breakfast. Since i also suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time when it comes to certain letal diseases it didnt take long until i was sure im gonna die soon. It was really bad. There was nothing i could calm myself with. Normally, again, i would have just play a game or 10 until the attack was over...this sometimes can take  up to 2 or 3 days... So i sat down on my pc and started watching my recordings instead. I watched the last game i recored. Its more than an hour long. And omg yea... i felt like i was ingame ffs. It was really bad. Only afterwards i noticed my fingers were on the wasd keys all the time lol -_-. But i didnt relapse. After i watched the game i turned the pc off so i dont get even tempted and was alone with my anxiety. Shitty shit that was. So i started cleaning the appartment for 2 hrs. Then i went to meet a friend to distract myself and even told her about my attack. Shes one of the few people i told about my detox and to whom i explained what a bad time i had because of gaming. After that i went home and the symptoms are better now. I should maybe really try to get a therapy for stuff like this. But its so hard to get one here where i live. having to wait like 6 months for seeing a therapist... its just insane. Anyway. When i had this attack and i thought again about those 5 wasted years i was very sad.. cause if i would have to die now i would have wasted my last 5 years in front of a shitty game instead of living. But then... those last 8 days were the best days i had for a very long time. They were filled with so much life (joy and sadness). So iam glad i had them.

What iam grateful for today: Being alive.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/2/2018 at 2:45 PM, TheCrystalLake said:

I could dance 6 hrs straight without even doing drugs. Cause dancing was my drug. 

 
Quote

I felt the music and omg that bass <3 it was so incredible. Its soo incredible what you can with your body, what joy it can give you!

I TOTALLY RELATE TO THIS Hahaha. Dancing is so awesomeee!

I enjoyed reading through your journal, keep it up! Fight through the pain and live your life to the fullest! :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

Day 9

"Fear is a liar"

This day has been divided into 2 parts, one shitty part and a better one^^ When i woke up this morning i instantly got the feeling i could not really swallow. That feeling persisted when i tried eating breakfast. Since i also suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time when it comes to certain letal diseases it didnt take long until i was sure im gonna die soon. It was really bad. There was nothing i could calm myself with. Normally, again, i would have just play a game or 10 until the attack was over...this sometimes can take  up to 2 or 3 days... So i sat down on my pc and started watching my recordings instead. I watched the last game i recored. Its more than an hour long. And omg yea... i felt like i was ingame ffs. It was really bad. Only afterwards i noticed my fingers were on the wasd keys all the time lol -_-. But i didnt relapse. After i watched the game i turned the pc off so i dont get even tempted and was alone with my anxiety. Shitty shit that was. So i started cleaning the appartment for 2 hrs. Then i went to meet a friend to distract myself and even told her about my attack. Shes one of the few people i told about my detox and to whom i explained what a bad time i had because of gaming. After that i went home and the symptoms are better now. I should maybe really try to get a therapy for stuff like this. But its so hard to get one here where i live. having to wait like 6 months for seeing a therapist... its just insane. Anyway. When i had this attack and i thought again about those 5 wasted years i was very sad.. cause if i would have to die now i would have wasted my last 5 years in front of a shitty game instead of living. But then... those last 8 days were the best days i had for a very long time. They were filled with so much life (joy and sadness). So iam glad i had them.

What iam grateful for today: Being alive.

Heya friend,

I'm really glad you're here and alive.  You did something productive to distract you from anxiety.  You went to a friend for support.  You were able to resist playing video games. 

: ) I think you won a few battles today, @TheCrystalLake

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks @Dannigan <3 i think we are all fighting battles daily. We would not be here if not. And every battle we fight we will get stronger :)

@Brad_Hurst Yep dancing is awesome lol. Incredible how such a simple thing can bring so much joy. I am really not that much into sports (except i played airsoft for quiet a while in a different life) but dancing omg.. i can do it for 7 hrs straight lol. When i watched your video i asked myself...why you drive your car with gloves? :P

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 10

" Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

Today was the first day after i quit playing that i seriously thought about doing just thaaaaat one game -_- This morning i wrote a bit with a friend if my former clan, which i left in november last year. In this clan i have been doing pretty much. I have been admin on 2 servers and was responsible for keeping the cheats out of them. This additionally held me in the game and this clan longer than it should. I met really awesome people in this clan to whom i talked a lot about also non gaming things. At the same time i made me aware of how lonesome i was. Having only people online to share my sorrows with is really bad. Cause you cant hug someone through a screen. So yes, i still miss those people. With some iam still in contact in Facebook so this morning i told one of them with whom i kept playing before my quit that i deinstalled the game and that i dont plan comming back. We then talked a bit about how life is going in the clan and thats maybe something i should not have done cause it triggered me more than yesterday watching my video. I felt like i left people behind who count on me and who always appreciated what i did. Silly feeling cz its just a game. Actually it was my life for 5 years. I then went for a walk to buy some food. I like to go for a walk recently. I call it my creative walk cause when i walk i can think of how to continue my fiction. And it was just then and i dont know why i thought of my stupid ex boyfriend, who i still some kind of blame for my situation. One part of me knows thats silly, cause he didnt do the bad decisions for me but me, but then again there is a part who thinks that after we split up everything went to hell. And then again it was him who gave me the heroingame. And it was cause of him i started playing it. And it was also because of him i began to stay at home at the weekends and instead of dancing and meeting people playing videogames with him. Oke fuck him. -_- So when i was walking down the street i wanted to playyyyy sooooo baaaddllyyyyyyyy. Omg its so good i got this silly sober time ticker lol. I refuse to set it back to 0 -_-  Later on i telephoned with a friend and she and me plan to go onto vacation together later this year to italy. Omg that would be really great! :) I will now dress myself and go for a drink with friends. If my fat cat lets me out of the bed :P

What iam thankful for today: Not having weird symptoms like yesterday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

When i watched your video i asked myself...why you drive your car with gloves? :P

2

Er cause I live in England and it's cold! Plus they are really comfy and they feel nice on the steering wheel! Plus I feel kinda bad ass when I wear em :P

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Brad_Hurst said:

Er cause I live in England and it's cold! Plus they are really comfy and they feel nice on the steering wheel! Plus I feel kinda bad ass when I wear em :P

Oke lol, thats all very good explanations :D

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 11

" Strawberries, cherries and an angels kiss in spring, my summer wine is really made from all those things <3"

Just quoted this above cause today it was already pretty hot outside und reminded me of summer. I went early today with friends to their garden and we spent the whole day there until now. I totally forgot about the real life threads....so i got a very bad sunburn right in my face except where my sunglasses were...so i look like a pandabear now -_- But still this has been a very nice day with barbeque and a lot of laughing. Its incredible how good it feels to socialize and how long the day is. When i spent my time playing games a day was like a second. Now its really a... day. I cant describe it. My feeling of time has totally changed. And slowly i begin to realize that i can never go back to the heroingame. I would be lost from the very first second ingame. This makes me really really sad although iam having a very good time since i quit. Today i had something like a flashback^^ I was laying there in the sun in my chair and was chillin when i suddently out of nowhere thought about a certain map in the game and about a certain spot where you can camp perfectly to shoot people out of headglitch. You need to have good aim for that. And i loved doing that. So really... laying there in the sun i was suddently in that spot, i saw it before my eyes. It was very creepy. It made me also sad for a moment. I feel that, where at the same point i gained to much, also left a part of myself back in that game. But... no time for sad feelings now. Its time for more going out... :P

what iam tankful for today: having apres-sun creme at home -_-

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, TheCrystalLake said:

Its incredible how good it feels to socialize and how long the day is. When i spent my time playing games a day was like a second. Now its really a... day. I cant describe it. My feeling of time has totally changed.

I totally know what you mean by this!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 13

"Recovery didnt open the gates of heaven and let me in. It opened the gates of hell and let me out."

A very nice quote i read today on a recovery page on facebook which felt very true. Yesterday i didnt have time writing my journal. Iam still deep in my anxiety attack. It was better one day but yesterday and today its bad again. Still yesterday was a nice day. To not stay at home i first met with a friend and we went to something called city beach here in my town. Its at the river where some kind of after hour was with DJ and music and drinks and stuff. I used my bike for the first time this year and it felt good riding in the sun and the warm breeze. After that we went to a small open air which was also in the city and just had more drinks. I think i need to watch my drinking beahviour as well. It always gets a bit out of hand. When i already wanted to go home i called another friend who lives nearby and we also met for just another drink. It was really really funny. I know her for 4 years now, yet i have been at her home the 2nd time now... -_- All this socializing... it feels good and bad at the same time. I wish my anxiety would get better. I try not to think of it but its hard when your body constantly does weird things. On wednesday i sign the contract for my new job, i hope when i work again i can distract myself even better. Not gaming i feel gets harder every day and not easier. Today i was really tempted again and what held me back once again was this stupid sober timer lol -_- I just dont want to have to start again at day 1.

What iam thankful for today: having one more free week

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@TheCrystalLake Thanks for sharing that quote, really enjoyed reading it. You are doing great to be getting out, being back on your bike for the first time, and visiting a friend house for a second time, seems like your moving forward and creating new experiences with your free time. Congratulations, on your new job, not only will it provide you with a chance to practice new and different skills but it will help bring in income to pursue new things that you are passionate about. I recently, started listening to podcasts on spotify, and I find them really interesting, there are does of different topics, probably some dedicated just to learning about anxiety. I find not only does listening to a conversation help with my social skills, but I learn new things to implement and feel like i am learning, I used to listen to a lot of rap music, but I find the lyrics while catchy really don't align with any of my values. One podcast that I enjoyed listening to today and I felt was relvent was called Discrediting Feedback does you no favors - by the Personality Hacker Podcast eps. 217. 

Thanks again for sharing, :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×